sharirouse

I can definitely relate to this. I love distractors and I have realized that I have been ignoring the ideas that might cause me to cry. Ill be approaching the second year of loss this year and Im a little scared. That and life has situations that make me face it dead on. I have trying to summon all the courage I can to write about it and just let it all out. I cry because Im frustrated and sad but I still have a lot I havent dealt with and now I think I need to dig into and just let it all out. Maybe that'll help you! I had a random phase of depression and it was kind of scary. I cried every night and wanted to run away. Ive pulled out of it though. You can too!

OH I understand that completely. My dad never told me how sick he truly was. I appreciate but then Im like "DAD WHY!?" Do you think you could just tell him directly how you feel? My dad lived alone but I was his regular caretaker when his nurse wasnt there and I was at college. Neither parent knew how much I was struggling with my dad being sick, I hid it so well that I didnt even know how much it had been affecting me. Anywho, I showed up at his house one day at 11pm, crying and told him how I felt. Hopefully he will listen. I think my dad knew that I did it out of love, not being a jerk. I had threatened him with a feeding tube cause I thought he just wasnt eating. His digestive tract had died. How terrible of me! But I know he had to of known.

I believe life after death is so much better than it is now. I remember that when my dad died, it was so peaceful, outside of the grief. My dad didnt want me to cry either because he said it would be okay. I think its okay to cry though, just to let some of those feelings out that we cant seem to death with. The tears are for our missing them. Its hard living without them, its so lonely and I know thats why I cry. As for your dream, I bet it was her! I watch a lot of ghost shows, not sure if I believe or not, they scare me so I dont know how I feel lol I told my dad before he died, that he wasnt allowed to scare me when he was around LOL! I bet it was her! Some things happen to me and I think they might be him. They dont happen to often though. Maybe try talking to her and see how you feel? Maybe she'll confirm it.

Me too! She (grief counselor) may know some people I could talk to if anything. And thats what my mom told me. I was terrified for rotations as I am basically working as a lab person for the last semester of my degree. I talked to him while I was sad and that helped, as well as crying to my mom. Im feeling a lot better thank goodness. Im not sure what it was but it was an intense sadness. They come out of nowhere!

Thank you Marty!! I had been struggling with depression early this month, to the point of wanting to throw away my degree and had been talking to my grief counselor. Since Im moving back to Farmington, I think it would be cool to try to see if there was a group there.

Thats so true. And I know you guys have said that before because I know Ive mentioned that Ive hidden from it before. Hmm. Thats true. Do you have any ideas on how to go about finding a group? As of right now, the only idea I have is to go and google it lol

Thats very true. He definitely is very bad at it lol I turned to him for comfort and then I started liking him and omg. What a mess. I do need to just take what he says with a grain of salt. I definitely think he was digging a hole. He's the wrong person, I told him I wouldnt talk to him if he started to make me feel worse. And I havent really found a group for that but I havent looked. I have a friend in my program who's dad died awhile ago from cancer but shes the type that doesnt talk about it. I do think I need to try. Although I have more time now and maybe I can finally write about it. Ive been really wanting to paint. Although i think i focus on the problem with this guy than my grief, if that makes sense.

That's very true. And that probably is what he thinks and it upsets me to think that he believes I didnt struggle. I finally told him that we are from different worlds and pain is pain. I expected to hear something to this extent when my dog passed because "she was just a dog" but never with my dad. I told my roommate about it and she keeps reminding me that he didnt say what I think he did. But you are right that comparing the two is useless. I didnt even mean to go that route but he likes to push my buttons LOL I have struggled with him not understanding grief for awhile but I need to quit trying to make him understand and keep my feelings in check, like you did. I should forgive him but I think eventually I will have a talk with him. I have been struggling on what to do with him because he helps with my loneliness of my dad, but he upsets me lol. Another problem for another day!

Well it finally happened. I shouldn't really say it was an argument. It all makes sense now. I have this friend who I began talking to because I was lonely. Hes male and he helped with the loneliness of my dad. Well he grew up in Palestine (by Israel for those that dont know) for a good portion of his life. Well we were talking and we were talking about struggles. It started as teasing but turned into a type of argument. Since he's from a different country, he's gone through some traumatic events but when talking he basically belittled the fact that my dad died. He didnt directly say it so maybe I am being over sensitive but its how I took it. He knows its sad but since his uncle got stabbed to death, he didnt think it was as traumatic I guess. He kept telling me that I act like my life is hard when its a lot better than others. I dont think I act like its bad though, I do still talk about my dad but I still feel like I need to say outloud that he passed away. This guy never really seemed to understand my grief but now it makes sense. He doesnt understand that we come from different places. I can only imagine what he's been through but Ive grown up in the states and still struggled with the passing of my dad. I hope this all makes sense. I was pretty hurt. I mean, we arent fighting but he still made me mad.

I love that! You know, a bottle of nail polish fell of my desk on Saturday but it was no where near the edge and I hadnt touched it in weeks. The first thing I thought was it was my dad. I told my mom today and she was like "Im telling you, he is with you." That and we lost a slide today at my clinical rotations and he is an ornery man. I definitely believe you when you say that lol I just hope doggy ghosts come visit too. Sometimes one of my other dogs looks like her from far away. She was the smallest one though.

Im glad you think Im wise but I feel like it was just a feeling that came. Same thing with my dad, it was just a feeling that overcame me. I feel like its from God or something. Its so painful giving them permission! I love that they wait though. My roommate things my dog waited for me to get home. In the prior months, I was worried I wasnt spending enough time with her and that she didnt know I loved her because the other dogs got jealous of her attention so she'd avoid coming over to me because they would growl at her.

It makes sense right?! I am feeling better although I am still lonely with her gone. Its hard not seeing her everyday. I know she's out there running around. I didnt cremate her or bury her myself and I feel a little bad about it but I thought it was best to just let her go. I dont know if I could of done that anyway. That and financial issues.

I apparently dont know how I feel lol sorry to laugh! Anyway, we were told that the student died unexpectedly and no one really knows how he died, other than his family of course, but we all suspect it. I really dont know how he died but I do believe he killed himself. He wasnt religious but now that he is gone, his soul is with God and he can help him. Thats what I meant but didnt articulate well! I cant listen to things and type apparently lol. I just kind of feel bad because how do I mourn both?! You are right that they are both the same in many ways. Her passing was very much like my dads so that was very weird. I also told her that she could go, just like my dad did and the next day, she did! She had a seizure and cardiac arrest. She could of died then but we didnt have a DNR and I needed to say goodbye. Im just so surprised all this is happening?! I just feel weird! They dont tell you that this stuff happens when you are an adult!

So last week was a pretty rough week for me. I found out that student in my program, who sat directly across from me, had "died unexpectedly." I was devastated! Since my dad had died, I wasnt afraid to have conversations about death because I feel that we need to be able to talk about it but when I found out that this guy had passed away, I freaked out! He had passed about 3 days after finals. I put it in quotes because I completely believe that he had killed himself. He was one of those students that everyone else was afraid of or thought was weird. I talked to him because he was there and Hell, Im a little strange too so why not? He had later told us that he was going to kill himself after his mom died. My lab partner and I tried to talk to him but he was having none of it. I knew he was serious. He wasnt religious and his dad had killed himself when he was just 2 so its not like suicide was new to him. I knew he was serious but omg. Its just so sad to believe someone was that sad. Secondly, I gave myself a concussion feeding my dog. Funny if you ask me and not a sad event but wow! I had been watching my dog behave weird and finally took her to the vet and found out she had kidney failure. Oh it was awful. I cried hysterically since I knew we needed to put her down. Later, found out she had a seizure/cardiac arrest and was ready to go herself. We put her down on Christmas Eve. Very sad but its better and Im dealing with it okay. The point of this post is that I just want to withdraw. Im feeling suffocated being around my mom, which makes me feel awful! And I just want to be with my thoughts. How do I grieve over my dad and my dog fairly? Im not really mourning over that student because I feel like this is better as he can get the help he needs now. I do plan on talking to my friends more and trying to prevent that sadness though. I had been watching a video about this guy who had lost his dad to cancer as well. He said not to pull inside yourself and sit with your thoughts because its rough that way. I kind of feel that its true but thinking those hard thoughts is how I deal with them. I am very good at "ignoring" things and just going until it catches up with me. Im just not sure how to handle this correctly.

I definitely agree with that. And I dont think we need to compare anyway because its love and pain and doesnt matter how or what type. My baby girl will never be like loving my dad but it definitely hurt the same! LOL I have a very large lab and she is just fat no matter what so I completely understand. She grew up with my dog, she is turning 11 this coming year so shes old too and I realized that when I lost my little girl. Ugh I dont want to do it again. But anyway, I agree! They are sweet little creatures and God did that on purpose lol. Im feeling better about it. I had read an article that Marty had posted somewhere it says that people tend to work through pet loss faster since the relationship isnt as complicated and I agree. It was pure love and she was one smart pooch so she had to feel the way I did, and understood what I was doing.

Kay, I am so sorry to hear that! I worried that someone might take offense because I have never carried or...created a child and that is something you dont ever experience with animals but you made a very good point! Its really upsetting that people would tell you that but we have already established people arent very nice LOL. And thats so true! We are responsible for them and with them everyday and some say they are about as smart as a 2 year old. Permanent children! I have an aloof cat too, we feed him and thats about it. We swear he has another home lol Before I had posted about my dog, I had read other posts and some of the links that Marty had posted and one of them mentioned that Love is love and pain is pain. Doesnt matter the "type." and its so true! Losing this girl felt very much like losing my dad. It of course had its differences but that "sick with grief" feeling was the exact same as well as that loneliness. I just wish they could send updates on how they are doing

Marty, that is so cute! I love it! I was always the one to get the dogs excited lol and that is so true. Thats how my friend helped comfort me when I was scared that my baby might not know how much I loved her. The love was definitely returned to me so she had to of known! I kissed her and pet her and talked to her all the time. We even carried her inside and had a blanket and sweatshirt on her. And it definitely is hard not to miss them! Every morning during the summer, without fail, she would whimper at my window until I woke up. My bed is right up against the window and she would sleep under the window.

Oh good! And the bottom half of New Mexico got hit with tons of snow which is weird because its hot down there lol and maybe some light yoga will help not that you would want to if you were sore lol That is very true. Ive moved passed that part in grief kind of. I was crying to day before and she looked right in my eyes and she had to of known I cared for her and I was sad to see her go. After all, she was my baby. She even answered to it. She did what my dad did when she died and it was weird. I gave him permission and he went, and I gave her permission and she did too. I dont believe in coincidences so that is strange to me. I am very glad! And on another note, I hope my post doesnt offend anyone cause I said i was losing a child. I dont know that pain but she was my child in a sense since Im only 22.

Oh Im so sorry. I lost an old one too. Cancer has no dignity. It takes everything it can and doesnt care. I think its great you wrote him a letter! I planned on doing that and writing every memory I had of her so I could come back and enjoy them. You loved that baby the best you could and you really did everything you could! We have to see them again. HAVE TO. They love stronger than most people we know!

Kay, I always felt bad because she was an outdoor dog. I mean she wasnt her entire life but she was once we moved hours. We have a small house and I understand why but it sucks! And I wasnt there for her as much as I wished. I did go visit her but I wish I could of stayed more. She wasnt cognitive when I saw her last (Thank God) though. I just wanted her to know I cared! I think she did but I wanted her to really know. And we dont really know how much they can understand, although she was smart as Hell. I swear they always say its the modem! They just want you to buy another one! And its been snowy there right? Hopefully itll stay put. Our area likes to get disconnected and the internet at my university is bad lol sadly!

Kay and Marty, I wish we could vacation to the Rainbow Bridge, or they could send post cards! And those little eyes spoke more than i though they could. My mom asked me what she told me and told me not to make her beg. It sounds harsh but I know what she meant. And Hiena, go ahead and cry, I ugly cried for my dog. Ive been avoiding the backyard cause it feels so empty, even though I have two other doggies. Poor babes. Ive been praying for my little girls soul and thats given me some comfort.

Marj37; Thanks for your comment It really does! I just wish I could have held her but I dont know if I could of handled it. I didnt really cry when she passed but I was a mess the day before. And oh I kissed that muzzle so much! She had a little mohawk of hair from her nose all the way up to between her eyes. Sadly, she looks different in that picture. She used to have a lot more spark. But Heck, if I had kidney failure, Id look sad too!!

Kay, she's one of the first real pets I have lost. I had a dog at my dads and I regret being there but sadly I wasnt as close as I was with this sweet girl. I had just finished leaving a message for the vet when I got a call saying that she had a heart attack. Started as a seizure and went into cardiac arrest. They had to do CPR for her. I should have let her go then but I needed to say goodbye! I hurried over there and kissed her and talked. She wasnt there but I thought maybe her soul would hear. We put her down a little later and it reminded me a lot of my dads passing. As weird as it sounds, I am glad she did that before we put her down. That way I didnt have to look at her little eyes. I told her she could go if she needed to (the day before) and she did. I swear they know. I think the hardest part for me is I just hope she knows I love her. I wish I could have been there every minute. And you know, our internet has been having issues too! The City workers unhooked our internet and just let it hang. Stupids lol

I too think that they are just not wanting to upset you on a holiday. They have to know how difficult it is. Holidays are like big billboards reminding you that someone died so I dont think they could forget. I think you should try to talk to them about it at some point. If you think it will help of course. Although I dont like that people are so weird when you are grieving. Avoiding it doesnt help, its not like you dont remember!