sharirouse

Gigi, Thank you for that and I am sorry for your dads passing as well, Im feeling better about it so hang in there! And you know, after my dad got sick, he was kind and happy and almost a little too mushy lol so I know what you mean, I apologized to him too and he said there was nothing to apologize for. And you know, I feel bad because it shouldnt take us until they are dying to realize we are being jerks but it does, sometimes its the sad truth and sometimes its a blessing. I am sorry you are crying but I do know it helps to get it out You know, I do know for a fact that I deal with things through anger and i honestly think my parents did too. My mom told me that its hard for her to let people in because her other marriages were hard and my dad was her third and same for my dad so there are other factors that I dont know. Im so happy you got me to see it from the point of view because that makes a lot more sense. She didnt cry much when he died because shes married now but sometimes I would get her to cry with me lol I dont know her true feelings on him or his passing because she wont tell me! But that definitely makes sense. I used to resent him so its not like it was just my mom being upset with him because I too had issues with his behavior. To be honest, maybe its better your mom wasnt around that much because she could cause more hurt and I do think your dad made up for her. I regret not doing a lot of things with my dad so I know how you feel but i wasnt invited either! Like my mom says, its a Catch 22! You always learn more after they are gone that changes things but you wouldnt know if they were still here! But at least you have some good memories And girl, I am a mommys girl so i know what you mean. I told her shes not allowed to die like my dad did and not for awhile and i know that will take me out like my dad did, just harder and personally I dont really want to love anyone either!

So, its been about 6 months since my dad died and I realized I dont know much about him. I know him but not much about him. I turned 21 a month after he died but I can only remember back so far and I dont think I was old enough to make valid opinions, if that makes sense. My dad was abrasive to say the least. He was controlling and he was mean sometimes. He was verbally abusive to my mom and thats why they are divorced. I wont lie and act like he wasnt but talking to my mom the other day, she kind of hurt my feelings about him. She would tell me things he had done, old memories that pop up about things he did and I felt bad talking about him like that. Perhaps its because Im still grieving but Im not sure. I dont think my mom is the best person to talk to about him because they are divorced lol she helped take care of him and she was there when he died so its not like she didnt care but she, lately, has only been telling me some of the bad things. she has a hard time opening up so perhaps thats another factor but it really upset me. Anyway, how do I not let other people's opinions shape mine about my dad? I loved him and I know he loved me. He was my biggest fan and ask anyone, but I was his biggest achievement. He told everyone about me so I know he loved me. He got so much kinder when he got sick because I think it opened his eyes but I feel like he was make out to be this major @sshole, which he could be, but it bothers me! Any opinions? I dont want to show my mom as a jerk but I feel so bad for my dad because he lived alone and was lonely and such, which was his fault/choice but he wasnt a bad person. He had a huge heart. Its just that the chip on his shoulder was bigger.

Well thanks for the thoughts! Im actually about to post and Im going to need some advice as I feel like its definitely something you can relate to. And I am on break right now and Im loving it. I do have a lot of things I feel like I should do so I can get ahead and stay on top but I havent, hee hee. The schooling is more of me being busy with studying rather than actual work so its really hard but then its not if it makes sense. Ive been taking naps though so thats good! I average about 5 hours of sleep a night at school though lol And thats how I feel too! I talk to my roommates at school and I have school friends so I dont feel alone per se but its more of a "we are always together lets at least be friends" thing. And Im not sure if its your town because I feel the same way. I have one friend here at home that I talk to about my dad and such but only when Im in town, its not a call up and chat you know? Friends are a lot harder for me too because death opened my eyes to people who matter and who dont and I wouldnt say im less friendly but Im more hermit like now so I dont reach out to new people. My best friend is in the marines and in Japan so I can confide in her but only to an extent lol and I have to agree! I was just replying to an email and It was so nice but I want to hang out in person too! No one else understands haha

I apologize for such a late response on this and the same goes for if I repeat what someone has posted as I haven't read through all of the replies yet but I'm happy Im not the only one feeling this way! My dad died in September to cancer and this is the first death Ive experienced and I feel like once people found out, they ran for the hills. Even four days after he died they quit talking to me. I had been talking to my roommate about it and she said its because they are around of our emotions. That is also what my grief therapist said but I dont feel like thats an excuse. I dont need to talk to my friends and stuff about my dads passing or all the horrible details as I do that with my mom but it would be fantastic to just have a friend! I just want to talk to someone, about anything! And I too sometimes feel like I get ignored, especially when I reach out. I definitely have to agree, people are strange.

Hi guys, I know I havent been around for awhile due to my classes and the fact that I think I have a sleeping issue and I sleep ALL the time. For those of you that know something about college credit it hours, I am taking 18 and for those of you that dont know, 18 is the full load that most are allowed to do with approval from the Dean. That and all courses are recommended 3 hours of studying and holy crap these courses need it! Anyway, heres my update! Im feeling okay, I still think of my dad of course. Some days I feel empty and miss him. Still feels like I am missing a limb but its not a crippling feeling anymore. I do feel like I have my brain back though so I am able to concentrate. I did grief therapy, it was a condensed form that takes 8 wks but I did it in 4. I did all the exercises and am meeting with my counselor over spring break just to check in. That definitely made me feel better as it felt like I purged some of the deep pain. Ive been rather busy so I havent had time to actively grieve. I cry at night sometimes but always when I need to be asleep or studying so they are short. I did send him a balloon though so I think that helped. March will be 6 months and Im not sure how I feel about that so we will see. We will be losing his house soon so that hurt a little but I think its better that it goes anyway, its not the same and its not home. Very lonely place. Just will all of this time and getting rid of all of the old stuff just kind of makes me feel like he is getting farther and farther away and I dont know how to deal with that. Anyways, thank you to those who have messaged me, you are all so sweet, even if you didnt send me a message, I still appreciate all the kind words on my posts.

You know, I know someone who lets balloons go on their loved ones birthdays. I did that the other day for Valentines Day and I think i will for my dads birthday. Why not give it a shot

I am so sorry for loss but I am so glad you posted. If you want to write to write then go for it. My dad died in September and I was lost for awhile but after about two months the pain was a little better. Scream, cry, beat things (like a pillow) if you need because it helps. Talk to him if you want to. I can relate to how you feel because I sometimes feel like I am still waiting for my dad to come back but I know he cant. I would suggest grief therapy because I finally gave in to it and it felt like emotional purging in a way. It made the pain more bearable. But like you read, grief is different for everyone and we all grieve differently. Keep posting

It was meant to be in 12 weeks but I finished it in 4. I finished the book and wrote my dad a letter where I "completed" my relationship and such. I think Im going to reread the book sometime though. I didnt cry all therapy until I had to write the letter. Im done with the therapy program but not grief itself lol. she says when Im back in town we can meet up and talk. Im upset i dont get more dreams or feeling his presence! I think thats why I am struggling. I want to go back to when I could just go over to his house and hang out. now its cold and empty. I just wish I could feel him.

Hi guys, sorry Ive been MIA. Ive been lacking motivation but I completed grief therapy! So thats good. Im going to be replying to old posts too so bear with me. Lately, Ive been feeling down in the dumps. Kind of like a storm cloud is following me. I no longer feel like a black cloud is over me but its more of a rainy gray cloud. Ive also been feeling disconnected and far away. Especially from my dad. I mean I know its cause hes gone but I feel so far away from him. My mom thinks Im afraid to open up to feel him because Ive watched so many paranormal shows that I freak out lol which is true. But how do I open myself up to him? Sometimes I dream about them but I dont remember them and he's still sick in them. Im not sure if I actually do dream of him or not. I asked to be visited but i dont know if I am. Any advice? I feel like grief therapy took away a lot of the pain. Its chipped some of the pain but I am still having issues.

LOL thats funny! She helps but she can definitely "sabotage" it because I really do let her. She never finishes her plate of food and I often clean her plate lol Since I am on the north campus now, I park about half a mile, maybe less, from the building and I have to walk there, so that is my first step! Thank you so very much for helping me I am motivating my mom as she was born with type 1 Diabetes and has a bunch of health problems that come along with it and I told her she has to stay with me forever now that my dad is gone lol

This is mainly something about a post by KayC that I remember reading. Not in these words, she ultimately said that we need to realize that our loved ones were not perfect and that many of them were mean or had flaws and such and its so true but at the same time its hard for me to accept that. Or admit it at least because after my dad died, I hated when people would say anything mean about him because its like he wasnt there to defend himself. I was telling my mom how guilty I felt for not spending more time with my dad throughout my life and especially closer to his passing. I saw him at least once a day for the most part, if not 5 days out of the week. My mom had to remind me that I did spend time with him but sometimes I didnt want to. My parents are divorced for multiple reasons, some I do not know, but one of them being that my dad was controlling. He got mean and he ruled with fear sometimes. After the divorce, he changed that and really tried to fix that about himself but honestly, I forget and I dont want to admit it. He had said some mean things and I know those were why I left or didnt talk to him for a few days. I guess Im not really sure what Im asking here but how do I realize that he wasnt perfect without making myself feel like I am saying he was a mean person sometimes?

I guess I am not exactly what grief work is then. I know in previous posts, someone had posted links it and I think I will go reeducate myself on it. Now that I have the time to really let out the emotions and fully express them, I want to. And Im glad Im not alone on that! I didnt want to be weird but I love the shirt and pillow. I sleep really well with it. I used to lay in his bed after he died and that helped too. Le sigh. I hope counseling is cathartic for me!

I guess Im just so surprised that I am progressing because I havent done much grief work. And I never thought about the fact that we cant endure the initial grief for a long time. Thank God! I think grief counseling will help with the guilt and my mom is trying to help with it too. Its hard for me to remember that my dad can see me now and he knows whats going on, more than I think he does lol. And thanks The shirt still smells so that helps too. It also helps when I want to imagine I am hugging him.

Its possible that all of the stress and emotions you have been feeling are finally seeping out. I am so sorry you are going through this but you need to let some of them out. Expressing emotion isnt weakness. You can hold everything together but you need to let some steam off! I was in denial forever about my dad having cancer and I finally had to face it when he died. Let it out. Admit that you are scared (or whatever you are) and know that you too will get through it. I never showed any emotion about my dads illness until a month before he died because I couldnt hold it in any longer. Its ok to be sad and scared. go somewhere to collect your thoughts and let it out. I cry in the middle of the night or at the bottom of the shower. Let it out and pick yourself up off the ground because you can do this. It freaking sucks but you both can do this.

So my dad died on Sept 7th and I completely missed the 3 month mark. I realized it today. Given it is finals week and I literally spend 12 hours at the library studying and didnt go to bed until 7am, I still feel awful. I was upset and to my mom about it and she thinks its progress. She says that I didnt forget the date but I am not counting the days since he passed like I have been and there will be a day where I stop counting the months. She says that he wouldnt mind but I feel like I am almost forgetting him in a way. She says Im not but I feel like hes so far away. Just now, I was hugging one of his pillows I have that I put one of his shirts on and pretended it was him. I dont feel progress. I dont feel like Im healing. I cant believe its 3 months and I dont want to think about it. I feel like he has been gone for so long but I was just laughing with him a couple months ago. I just wish he didnt feel so far away. I know that may sound stupid as he has passed and I cant actually reach out and get him but I feel like I am not loving him enough or missing him enough because I missed the 3 month mark. What if I forget his birthday? Or little things that he used to say that were unique to him? Im so scared Ill forget.

Thank you so very much for the links! I definitely like that I dont have to buy anything special because as a college student who is still a dependent, I partially by my own groceries but when I go home, my mom does and her and I like sweets lol so I need to help her change too or get a stronger will which I do not have. Also, i have a full time college student so fast food is convenient when I am starving and dont have time. I know I need to prep food and thatll help. I need to get back on food journaling because it helped me own up to my mistakes like you said you needed. I definitely need to learn maintenance too and dont have any help issues yet but I know I will if I dont take care of myself! I think running with help and something to give me an emotional release. I do turn to God but I think I need a little something like exercising too, just to make sure I dont ignore myself lol

I saw that you were doing a diet and was curious as to what it was and I was planning on to start clean eating. And the appointment is on Dec 15th and I plan on talking to my doctor about it too. The only hard part and perhaps excuse is that I am getting into the harder parts of college so I am always exhausted or starving and want to zip through a drive through but I think im going to start prepping food so there is no excuse. I definitely need to shrink my stomach and knock off the carbs and sugar, like you said. I mean I lost 50 lbs before, but they came back with a vengeance! I would definitely love to have control of SOMETHING. I know I over eat and i dont even know what correct portion sizes are! Thank you!

I feel like I am stuffing my face, But I almost feel like I am forcing myself to do it whether or not I want to. What do I do? My mom thinks I am trying to physically fill the void but this isnt healthy and its really killing my already small amount of self esteem. Im going to start going to grief therapy so maybe thatll help but this will cause health problems if I dont get ahold of it. I almost feel like I have an eating disorder because I cannot stop or control myself. I know ive posted about this before but Lord, I need help

I hope I can too, I just know that I need to actually give some time to grief and let it out. I am glad too and I really hope it helps.

I really love that idea. Lets hope its whats happening ((hugs)) And in other news, I set up a therapy thing with Hospice in my home town and I was lucky enough to get a one-on-one because they generally have group ones. They also have "grieving" homework so we will see how that goes. They say I can finish it in my college town too so hopefully it will work. I plan to take my entire break for grief.

I also emailed the local Hospice and see what I can do. My mom told me that I need to talk to someone. I told her how I felt but I need to open the flood gates to a stranger and tell them every thing. And that makes sense because I was so blind and I did not want to see how bad he was and I want to kick myself for it now. Yes Maam my dads sister. There is one that lives in my town and one that lives in Phoenix. I think Ill talk to both. The local one was there when he passed though. Shes trying to help me and shes come to terms with it. She told me she prayed he would die like a mercy prayer. I think I need to wallow in self pity this next break I have. Ill have a month home. I also feel like I have been looking for another father figure. Not to replace my dad but to feel like I have him again. His best friend feels like him when I hug him. Is that weird?

I dont have an appt yet because I havent gotten a response yet but Im going to call them again, as well as Hospice when Im home for the holidays. For now, I think Ill talk to my aunts and make my mom hold me like a baby. When I say "them," Im referring to the thoughts Im having. Some people I know arent helping the situation either but its easier to brush them off rather then the feelings. I feel awful not being able to talk to him because it hurts so bad but it did help get their tears out. I know Im still struggling to accept that he's gone. My aunt is telling me that its good to accept it because this is better. He is so much better now. He suffered up to his last breath and its still haunting her and its still haunting me. I didnt realize how much my life revolved around him and as naive as I am, I didnt realize how painful this was. Each month is harder than the last. Im not doing as good as I want to in school and my mom tells me to pull up my bootstraps but its so hard. Im drowning but I want to just sink. I dont want to try anymore. I have been getting sassy with her because that remark really got under my skin. I think I did shut her up though, but she of all people should know how I feel. But our dads died differently. Hers passed suddenly and I was there the whole way through. I do think Ill write him a letter and send it away in a balloon or something and there are some grief blogs I have been meaning to read. Im so grateful to have this site because I think I would be so lost without it. And I think ill harass the counseling center after class Nicely of course.

How do I deal with them? Its late and Im saying my prayers and then the reality hits me, some nights harder than others. He's gone. Im going home for thanksgiving and I cant hang out with him until my mom gets off work. He's so far away and it kills me. I know hes dead and gone by he feels so far away. I want to feel him around me and I want to see him again but I cant bare to think that I have to wait 80 yrs until I die to see him. I havent been talking to him because it hurts so bad. I know Im still numb and just crawling through the weeks and months but how do I deal with the thoughts? Im angry and hurt and alone. Im mad at everything and no one understands. My roommate lost her dad to Cirrhosis 5 yrs ago and she doesnt understand. Shes putting all her focus into superficial things like her boyfriend and telling me I dont understand what its like to miss someone. I want him back and i know thats so selfish. he was miserable and I was in denial. I was so deep that I ignored and failed to see how much pain he was really in. I want him back so bad and I want to see him but I know he would be miserable. How do I deal with this? Im trying to get in to see a counselor but its not happening fast enough and Im not getting the emotional support that I need. I need my dad. I could always go and cry to him. Edit: I also feel like I have been looking for another father figure. Not to replace my dad but to feel like I have him again. His best friend feels like him when I hug him. In other words, I feel like Im searching for my dad in other people.

The goal is to really show him how I feel. I will definitely use "i feel" language, rather than " you" language. I am mad at him but Im not going to send him a hateful letter because I dont need that. I do plan on telling him that Im upset that he didnt get to see our dad before he died because he dragged his feet but that was his decision. I dont plan on starting a fight but I am going to write a letter so he has time to sit and listen to my words and think about them. Even if I do plan on parting ways with him later on in life, its going to be hard because I created a relationship with my niece and nephew and sister in law. There is a lot more to this story than I am letting on, and that side of the family is extremely stubborn. My brother was estranged from my dad and another point of the letter is to tell him that he needs to forgive my dad for it because hes gone. He can stay mad but now there is nothing he can do. I have been told by multiple ppl that my dad felt that my brother didnt love him. My dad was happy when my brother came back into the picture but my brother tried to become my dad and thats also what created a little tension. Anyway, before i get too involved, I ultimately want him to see my perspective and just like you guys have said, I dont have to send it. My mom told me that too. I think ill talk to a counselor and pray about it before I do it. In other news, I have called a counseling center at my university and they are accepting new patients. I left a message and now I am waiting to see what happens

I know Ive mentioned my brother a few times in my post but while I was confiding in my lab partner, she suggested I write my brother a letter. The letter would consist of me airing all my pain. Everything. Telling him that Im mad at him and upset and that I feel like our dad was disrespected. And all of that jazz. The reason I chose a letter is because I want to be able to send it and put it in his hands. I want him to sit there, read it, and think about it. Im a little afraid he will think I am a coward because I didnt tell him in person but my lab partner made a good point, "why do you care?" Well, I dont. If he is being the jerk that I feel like he is then whether or not I put it in a letter wont matter. I also feel like this will help with the grieving process a little because I almost feel that my dad had POS kids and yes, I am in fact calling myself, a piece of sh*t because i could have been there. My dad raised me and he didnt get to raise my brother. Its not my fault but I do feel like he holds it against my dad. What do you guys think? I know ultimately it is MY decision but I wouldnt mind hearing thoughts from people who arent involved in the situation.