mittam99

I can't change anything in our house. I can't bear the idea of change. Maybe I live in a fantasy world where I want to keep things the way they are for when Tammy miraculously comes back home. The reality is, it just helps me cope. It's a comfort for me. Not so much a reminder that she's gone but that somehow everything "will be ok" again. I find myself extremely sad when I'm doing anything that Tammy and I used to enjoy together. It just feels wrong and in a way I feel guilty that I'm enjoying anything, I guess. I cry when I see a commercial for restaurants we used to enjoy going to. It's just so hard.

I know that the IPS software that powers this forum has the ability to add a member chat room. This might be a very nice add on and would allow members to chat either one on one or in a small group real time. Imagine if a member is having "one of those moments" and other members could help them in real time! Just an idea. Mitch

Janka... I know there are many in the medical profession who are very caring and outstanding in their jobs but... Over the years, with Tammy's many hospital stays, I've seen so many things that simply make me cringe thinking about them. Here are just a couple examples. There was a particular drug that Tammy was allergic to. It caused her blood pressure to drop so low that once it actually caused Tammy to go into cardiac arrest. I made sure it was noted in her chart that this medicine was something that NEVER was supposed to be given to Tammy again. Well, one evening I was sitting next to Tammy in the hospital when her meds were being dispensed. As I always did, I asked the nurse what medications were being given to Tammy. And guess what? One of the meds was that drug that Tammy was deathly allergic to!! Thank god I was there to stop her from taking it but I'm certain in many cases the wrong meds are given to the wrong patient. On another occasion, I drove Tammy to the ER because she was in intense pain. Not even her very strong pain prescriptions would touch it. Keep in mind that Tammy had a pretty high tolerance for pain and due to her medical conditions she was on pretty heavy narcotic pain meds. Anyhow, the doctors in the ER basically refused to give her strong enough meds to lessen her pain. The stuff they gave her was weaker than what she had at home. They actually were trying to lecture her on the "evils" of narcotics. Yes, Tammy and I were well aware of that but she needed pain relief at the time. These doctors were treating her as if she was a junkie coming to the ER for a fix!!! I wrote a very angry letter to the president of that hospital for the way they treated Tammy. I did get an apology but still... I could go on with many more stories. And you wonder why I have a VERY low opinion of the medical profession? I truly believe if Tammy's doctors weren't so wrapped up in trying to earn as much $$$ as possible and actually cared about their patient she might have been around longer in this life.

The last words I heard Tammy speak were "help me... help me..." and then they put an oxygen mask on her. I felt so utterly helpless. I'm crying just typing this... the pain of knowing I couldn't help Tammy at that point makes me sick to my stomach and breaks my heart.

I am so angry at the medical profession and insurance companies. Tammy had severe systemic Lupus, Sjogren's and Raynaud's. So few physicians, especially at the hospital level understand how to treat these patients. A doctor once told Tammy she was the most complicated patient he ever had seen. When Tammy was in the hospital that last time, she was rushed there because she had collapsed at home. The doctor's assumed it was her heart. The emergency room doctor tried putting in a central line but failed on several occasions and finally was able to get one in. As it turned out, Tammy's heart was ok. But... in the process of botching those attempted central lines they caused a couple of blood clots in Tammy's legs. When I first saw her afterwards it looked like someone had beaten her up. During that hospital stay, I saw so many levels of incompetence from the staff there. And I was there 24/7 throughout Tammy's stay. I took off of work. Yes, money is important but Tammy was much more important to me. When the time came for her rehab assignment, we were limited by insurance to where she could be admitted. The place she wound up going to had a wonderful physical therapy dept., but the staff there and the "cleanliness" of the place left a lot to be desired. Matter of fact, the entire floor Tammy was on got a severe intestinal bug ... and since I was there as often as I could, I also got sick. The night Tammy was transferred it was icy outside and travel was difficult. The head nurse would not allow me to stay the night... said it was against policy. So, there was Tammy crying because the wouldn't let me stay and she was worried about my safety driving home. I argued my point to the nurse but ultimately I had to go home. I told Tammy it would all be ok. Tammy was sent home from rehab on a very cold and stormy Wednesday night, She couldn't make it all the way up the steps to the bedroom and the ambulance guys carried her to bed. The next day we had about 10 inches of snow and I was unable to get her newly prescribed meds. Friday morning I got up super early to dig out from the snow and I was the first one in line when the pharmacy opened to get Tammy's meds. As, I always did before leaving the house I asked Tammy if she would be ok, while I was gone. She said "yes". . That was Friday March 6th 2015. I bought a corned beef (one of Tammy's favorite foods) and was making a special meal to put a smile on her face. I was setting up some exercise equipment for Tammy to use to continue to build up her strength. She woke up and we watched some TV... The Price is Right and The Young and the Restless. Then, Tammy needed to roll over and get some sleep. Nothing unusual there because Lupus and fatigue go hand and hand. A bit later I was talking to Tammy and she seemed a bit confused. I wondered if it was the new narcotic pain pill she was prescribed. I was worried, so I called my brother-in-law (a physician), and asked it that medication could cause those symptom and he said yes. I was relieved. Overall, Tammy just seemed very restless, couldn't get comfortable. She wasn't really complaining about anything, symptom-wise though. I went back to work on the exercise equipment for a bit... when I came back to the bedroom, Tammy was sitting on the edge of the bed and then just felt back. Almost in slow motion. I ran to her and she wasn't responding. I called her name, louder and louder... and then she opened her eyes and just said how tired she was. I was again relieved but worried. What just happened??? I couldn't fathom that she could be getting seriously ill again. She just was sent home from the rehab place. Then she was having trouble breathing. I called 911. And... I got a busy signal. How crazy is that? I finally got someone on the other end and in the middle of talking to them, Tammy told me that she was ok. (on hindsight, I think she just had caught her breath for a moment). She told me she was sorry to have "scared me". Again, I was relieved but now was staying with Tammy in the room and monitoring things. All of the sudden, she seemed sweaty and clammy. My first thought? "Oh my God", these are the same symptoms of the sepsis Tammy had a while back. Then, Tammy was again having trouble breathing and I called 911 again. and again it was busy. (the storm had apparently caused an abundance of 911 emergency calls). The EMT crew arrived in less than 10 minutes. Tammy was put in the ambulance. I ran outside and asked for updates. No one was telling me anything. One of the guys out there just said "our people are just doing what they do". Huh? I had to find out what was going on, so I got on my tippy toes and looked in the ambulance window and was horrified. Tammy was laying there motionless and the guy was pounding his fist into Tammy's chest. All I could think of was "PLEASE DON"T HURT HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". Why didn't they have paddles on this truck? I realize her was trying to save Tammy's life but this just seemed so brutal. Shaking, I drove my car to the hospital. They had taken Tammy to the trauma room in an effort to revive her. They couldn't. And my beautiful and perfect wife Tammy was gone. I stayed with her for many hours. I could not leave that room. Finally they basically "threw me out" because that was the only trauma room they had. But this was my wife, the woman I love, the person that made my life complete and made me happy. I just couldn't say goodbye. I'm still traumatized by what happened on that day. Tammy was just 45 years old. She had a zest for life. A magical smile and a sweet and gentle spirit. I feel so lost without her. Our life wasn't always easy. When Tammy's health started to deteriorate in 2007 it became one medical struggle after another. Money was tight after Tammy lost her job. But the thing was, we had each other and we had a love for the ages. Yes it hurts... it's a hurt like no other.

I just can't stop replaying the events of March 6, 2015 in my head. Why did Tammy die? She had just come home from the rehabilitation place less than 48 hours earlier and we had great hopes for the future. Tammy worked so hard in physical therapy and occupational therapy to get her strength back. She was planning on making lifestyle changes to improve her health. By that evening she was gone! It all happened so fast and I had no idea Tammy was literally dying at home... I feel guilty because I didn't know what was happening. She seemed tired and then confused and then she started to get the sweats. All these things were not too unusual because Tammy's Lupus was severe and presented with many terrible symptoms. By the time she said she was having trouble breathing and the ambulance arrived, she was near death. I just can't fathom how all this happened on that dreadful day. I was supposed to be Tammy's knight in shining armor and her protector. It hurts so bad. In a way, I feel like I failed her.

I miss being part of a special team. Tammy and I were made for each other and were two minds, two hearts sharing one soul. I miss Tammy's smile, her spirit, her soft skin.... her hugs and kisses. I miss feeling loved and being accepted for who I am. I miss sharing my life with someone I love. I miss my Tammy. My everything. My love. My wife. My soul mate.

Gin... I'm at 11 months without my dear Tammy. There is no doubt in my mind that for those of us madly in love, the pain and sense of loss never goes away. All you can do is take one day at a time.

I also think Facebook has helped make this a "look at me" society... along with YouTube. It's all about getting some attention for yourself and how many "friends" you can acquire (a friend being someone clicking on a button lol). Or how many "likes" something you post gets. Don't get me wrong, the internet is great, and hey, I've run an online forum based community myself for nearly a decade and a half. At least forums allow for informative, genuine, discussion between people. Unlike having to read all the Facebook posts about getting a haircut and posting selfies of it or having a bad day because those burritos gave you gas.

Sorry to steal a Yogi Berra quote but it seemed appropriate. Ever since my beloved wife Tammy passed away on March 6, 2015, my life has been in a holding pattern. One day seems like the next. It's a never ending pattern of sameness. Of loneliness and sadness. I know there's no going back to my life before, yet, I find it hard to see a future that's any different then my today. In other words, life just doesn't seem to have a real purpose or meaning. I waited my whole life for Tammy. And she truly loved me for me. I've never had that in my life. That unconditional love. We truly were soulmates. We lived for each other. And then suddenly, she died. To go your whole life without true love, then find it and then suddenly be without it again is a terrible thing. I don't know how to have a new "good" life. All I want is Tammy back. That's the only thing that will make me truly happy again. I don't have any real friends just a few relatives and co-workers and a lot of acquaintances. None of them understand the depth of my grief. I ache to my core longing for Tammy. Missing her so badly. It hurts thinking about all the pain she endured and all the horrific medical ordeals she went through in her oh too short life. How unfair life was to Tammy. And how I wasn't able to "save her" from death. Why couldn't I? Was I just not good enough? So here I am, nearly 11 months later and the pain is the same. The woulda shoulda couldas still playing on my mind. I can't listen to music without hearing something that makes me cry. The other day, while working out, the Kelly Clarkson song "My life would suck without you" was playing and I literally started screaming out "my life does suck without you, Tammy" while I was lifting weights. Good thing I was lifting at home because it might have seemed weird at the gym! I'm trying to live my life but it's so hard to feel good about anything. For "shits and giggles" I bought some Powerball tickets recently. But you know what? If by some chance I had won, it wouldn't change a thing... other than me owing a boatload of taxes! The only thing that would bring me happiness is winding the clock back to March the 6th and Tammy having a good day and we actually wound up eating that corned beef dinner I made for us. Am I frozen in the past? No doubt. I can't throw or give away anything of Tammy's. It's just too painful. Just the other day I wore the coat I had on when Tammy passed and found a prescription list she had made in the pocket. And of course, I cried and cried and cried. I'm here at home alone with no one to share anything with. It's such a boring and lonely life. But... I have no desire or interest in finding someone else. Some people don't understand that. It makes perfect sense to me. Tammy was my perfect wife. She was the one. My one and only. I know this is my life moving forward. A lonely man grieving over the loss of his most special and wonderful wife. And tomorrow will be pretty much like today.

The past week or so, been dealing with the aftermath of the historic blizzard we had here. 32" of snow and 6-7 foot drifts.

Yes it has.

I hope what I'm about to write makes sense and maybe puts some things in context... I've dealt with grief and loneliness and sadness before in my life. When my dog was killed by a hit and run driver when I was a boy, that was so sad. When my grandfather (my mother's father) took his own life, that was an overwhelming, unimaginable time in my life. When my father died of Leukemia at only 55 years old, I was crushed, but somehow I survived. Then my grandmother (my dad's mother) passed away. And then my other grandfather passed. Then my mom's mom passed away. Many of those tragedies happened in a couple year period. Needless to say, I've dealt with grief before. I became "the man of the house" when my dad died and I was very close with my mom. In 1998, my beloved mother passed away after a battle with cancer. In the last few years of her life, I was her primary caregiver, although she had a nurse with her at home in her final days. When my mom passed away I was inconsolable. The nurse later told me she had never seen a grown man cry like that. I thought my world had ended. Most of my family was now gone. At that point, my friends from my younger days had moved on. I truly felt alone. Fast forward to 1999. I remember my mother telling me that every one needed someone in their life. Someone to love and that loved them. But, I kind of figured I was never going to be lucky in love. And then, Tammy and I found each other. And my world changed. I knew she was the one the first time I held her hand in mine. I also knew that Tammy had a little 3 year old daughter and that was fine by me. And in 2000, Tammy, Katie and I became a family. And I loved that new world of being a husband and daddy. And then March 6th, 2015 happened and I lost EVERYTHING. So here I am today, in a world of hurt. Thinking of the future and realizing it's a scary thing. Everyone I have loved or loved me is gone. And the one person that I shared everything with, that put up with my quirks, that loved me like no other, is no longer here. How do I motivate myself? That fact that I turned 60 this year would have been no biggie if Tammy was here. We would have gone out to dinner to celebrate and I would have made some jokes about being an old fart. Now though, 60 seems old, especially in the context of Tammy dying at only 45 years old. I will admit, it plays on my mind. At least I do try my best. I haven't crawled up into a ball. But, damn this is hard!

Thanks Kay. It's been a very difficult holiday season for me. I'm all alone and the emptiness and pain of Tammy being gone is almost too much to bear. Christmas Eve was our wedding anniversary (as you know) so you can imagine my sadness. Life was so unfair to Tammy in many ways and now it feels like the life I have... well... it's not much of a life. If I'm not working, my days consist of eating and sleeping and watching TV and not much else. Woohoo! I was exercising recently (a good thing, right?) until I tore muscles in my forearm and shoulder. I just have no "oomph" to do things. No motivation for the most part. No one to share my thoughts with. No one that loves me. I have nothing but nothingness (is that a word?). I just don't know how to live a meaningful without my special (and perfect for me) Tammy. I know I probably sound like a broken record but grief seems like the movie "Groundhog's Day" to me. Different day... same $hit. Fact is... grief sucks.

It's all just so overwhelming right now. I can't stop thinking about how Tammy didn't deserve any of this and how unfair life was to her. She was a sweet, beautiful, loving, gentle person. How can I live this life without her? This life of emptiness and unbearable sadness. You simple aren't supposed to die after coming home from the hospital and rehab. Tammy was in good spirits and had a renewed interest in trying to be stronger. I was so happy we were back home together again. And then, less than 48 hours later I was with her again in the hospital... but she had already gone to heaven. How could this be? How cruel is this? Tammy was only 45 years old. I'm trying to cope. Trying to function. And I do to an extent, But, most of the time I am just biding my time, going through the motions. Thoughts of Tammy bring me to tears. I find pleasure in nothing. No one really contacts me or calls. I have no one to share my life with. All I really want is Tammy.

I've been dealing with a lot of those moments recently. After all, December 24th is Tammy and my wedding anniversary. It also was Tammy's absolute favorite holiday. Thinking about what should have been, would have been and could have been is eating me up. This should be a time of happiness and Christmas music and watching those classic Christmas movies and shows we loved so much. Now, even the thought of watching one of our many Holiday dvd's like "Holiday Affair" has my stomach in knots and me crying out "I CAN'T WATCH THAT!!". Tammy and I should be cuddling on the sofa watching A Christmas Carol. We should be together, like we always were. Instead here I am, alone, in anguish and contemplating what this new life is about. And missing Tammy more each day.

Good job on the tweak. It works.

Nope still not showing. Marty, I run a major online car forum and this is just me throwing an idea out there. Have you set the "permissions" to allow all members to use this feature?

Definitely not visible to me on Firefox. Here's a screen grab of my view:

Thanks Marty. Oddly, I can't find the button!

One of the nice little options of many forums is the "Thanks" button. It's a great way for a member to thank someone for their post without needing to write a post that says "thank you". I think it would be quite helpful here. What do you think?

I'm having a very hard time this holiday season. I did go to Thanksgiving at my sisters house, but honestly, it just doesn't feel like I have a lot to be thankful for. Realistically, how else can I feel? My biggest treasure in life was having Tammy by my side and sharing our life together. Christmas was Tammy's favorite holiday (so much so I said "let's get married on Christmas eve"). You can only imagine how hard our anniversary day of December 24th is going to be for me. This new, lonely, empty and meaningless life sucks. I long for Tammy. I ache for her. I cry for her. I want and need my old life and my old world back. I'm trying the best I can but it all seems so futile to a large extent. Tammy was the only person who truly loved me for me. Life without love isn't easy. I miss being her knight in shining armor. I miss her soft skin. Her sweet lips. I miss the smile on her face that could light up a room. Tammy was not just my wife, Not just my best friend. Not just my soul mate. She truly was all that was good in my life.

WolfsKat... I lost my beloved wife Tammy on March 6th. She was only 45 years old. I want to tell you a little about my story in hopes that in some way it will give you some help. I met Tammy online in 1999. I had just lost my wonderful mom and really had few close friends. Tammy and I hit it off online and started talking on the phone ... for hours at a time. It was clear we had something special. When Tammy came to Maryland (she lived in Illinois with her 3 year old daughter Katie) for the first time, I KNEW she was the one. Holding her hand for the first time was magic! When she went back home to Illinois, I felt so sad and I ached for her. Well, a few months later Tammy left her hometown (and all her family) and brought Katie along to start a new life with me in Maryland. Tammy was not only a funny, sweet, beautiful person she was perfect for me. We lived together (in sin, lol) for a few years until we married on Christmas Eve 2003. Tammy suffered from a severe case of systemic Lupus as well as having some other autoimmune disorders. Her health was always a challenge. Tammy went through many surgeries, sepsis, infections and even cardiac arrest but always beat the odds. And I was always there by her side. Tammy was my whole life, my whole world! I loved her with every fiber of my being. Early this year she was rushed to the hospital after she collapsed in my arms. She fought hard and got well enough to be released to a rehab facility to get her strength back. She came home on a stormy Wednesday night and I was so happy she was back in our bed! But... on the worst day of my life and just a day and a half after coming home, she took a terrible turn for the worst... by the time she was put in the ambulance she was unresponsive. My wife... my life... was gone. I'm telling you this because I loved Tammy more than life itself as I'm sure you felt about your Conner. In the first few weeks after Tammy's death, I didn't think my "new life" was worth living. But, I had a dilemma. As much as I didn't care about or want to be in this life, I am not a person who would ever take my life. I found this forum and on one of those nights when I had no one to turn to and felt like I didn't know what to do... I posted a topic called "Dealing with those moments". Those "moments" being the times you just didn't want to live anymore. Losing your spouse is losing a part of yourself. Losing your identity. Losing the future that you planned or expected to have. This grief journey is hard... painfully, gut wrenchingly hard. I can tell you that now, just under 8 months since Tammy's passing, the pain is still there. At times the pain is every bit as bad as it was early on. I think in the early days there is sort of a numbness that gives way to reality sinking in, as time goes by. The reality of life without your beloved. So all that you are feeling, sadly, is a normal part of the grief process. All you can really do is TAKE ONE DAY, ONE MOMENT, AT A TIME. There is no right or wrong way. You need to do what YOU are comfortable with. Those who haven't lost a beloved spouse will give you lots of advice. When they do, listen, but realize they don't have a clue! I wish you all the best on your grief journey. This forum is a great place to vent. You may find a grief counselor will help or a grief group. There are no magic answers. There is no cure. Time doesn't heal all wounds. One of the members here gave me a piece of advice and wisdom that has helped me get through many difficult moments. Hopefully it will help you... Just remember, your Connor will always be a part of you. You are not the same person you were before you met him. You see things through his eyes and with his spirit. Hopefully that will give you some comfort. Mitch

There are a number of sites online that let you create a memorial page of sorts but most charge for their use. I found a site called Never Gone that is free and allows you to create a very nice memorial. You can add pictures and tributes and memories and even light candles. Others can join and add their memories and photos as well. I'm in no way affiliated with this site. http://www.never-gone.com/

For those of us who have lost a soul mate, this pretty much sums up our existence. Our beloved completed us and made our lives feel special. I've been grieving for 8 months and I can tell you the pain has not eased. The sadness and emptiness of not having my sweet Tammy by my side still overwhelms. What I've learned so far is that all we can really do is take one day at a time and cope the best we can. Maybe some form of happiness will return at some point in the future...