mittam99

Tough one today. It's been exactly three months since that awful, gut wrenching, devastating day in March. The world is missing one of the best smiles ever. Missing an absolutely amazing laugh. Missing those perfect, squishy hugs. Missing one of the sweetest human beings ever. Tammy was and always will be my sweet, little angel. Anyone who knew her knows what a wonderful person she was. You had to feel good around Tammy. She was a charmer. I was blessed to have her in my life. I was so blessed that she said yes when I asked her to be my wife! I will love her forever and always. - Mitch

I know what you mean about being a widow Maryann. I was so proud to be a husband... Tammy's husband. I still wear my wedding ring, it makes me feel good. I definitely still feel more married than single but I can't reach out and hold my wife, can't kiss her or touch her soft skin. I miss her laugh and her voice and the smell of her hair and the way she made me feel so special. I miss everything about my Tammy. I have noticed a difference in my grief. Early on I would mostly just cry. Now when I cry it's usually accompanied by calling out Tammy's name over and over or repeating some phrase like "why?". My voice sounds like a wounded animal during these grief bursts. It seems like my pain is coming from my very soul. Honestly, my grief seems deeper now than a month ago. Yes, I'm coping in some ways but it's obvious my grief rocks me to the very core of my existence. I so want to believe she can hear me and see me in some way and there have been some "unusual" occurrences that make me feel Tammy is still with me. My sweet angel. Here they are listed in chronological order: 1. I may have already mentioned that I fell asleep on the highway traveling to Illinois for Tammy's services. My car hit a concrete construction barrier at 70 mph and there wasn't even a scratch. Logic says that's just not possible. Tammy knew how crazy I was about keeping the car looking good. It had to be my angel Tammy. The fact is, if I had drifted off to sleep a mile further ahead I would have driven directly into oncoming traffic. 2. I was talking on the phone to my niece about Katie and I started to get upset (Katie was very rough and disrespectful to Tammy at times) when all of the sudden our ceiling fan turned itself on at the highest speed (it's a six speed fan). First of all, Tammy loved that fan and especially the higher speeds. The timing was perfect... as I was getting upset on the phone the fan suddenly got my attention. An electrical fluke? Or was that Tammy saying "Don't get upset about the way Katie treated me"? 3. Our bedroom and upstairs bathroom floor creaks when you walk in certain spots. Our kitchen is on the floor below and you know when someone is walking to the bathroom. It makes a distinct sound. I'd hear that sound many times when I'd be in there making a meal and Tammy would get up and go to the bathroom. Well, a few weeks ago I was in the kitchen and I heard that distinct, unmistakable sound of someone walking upstairs. I actually called out Tammy's name and ran upstairs to see if she was there. 4. Just the other day, something odd happen on my desk at home. I keep my watch and keys on top of my wallet. I was watching TV when I heard a sound that startled me. What I saw gave me chills. I saw my watch moving and realized it was no longer on my wallet. It was now a couple inches away. Keep in mind the watch was pretty stable on the wallet. It's never done that before and we didn't have an earthquake. Yes, it could have been a fluke or was it Tammy letting me know she's still with me?

Working as it turned out, is a good distraction for me and I'm grateful for that. Beyond that though, it's very difficult for me to get motivated to do anything else. I think about what a wonderful person Tammy was and then I cry because of all the medical ordeals she didn't deserve. I think about how sweet she was and again I cry because life was so unfair to her in so many ways. Most of my anguish comes from just missing her. It hurts... it hurts so bad. Why was Tammy given all of this pain and suffering??? And then there's the stress of living this new life. As we all have... there are bills to be paid. Well, in my world for many years Tammy had the better job than me. She worked full time, I worked part time. To make up for my lesser income, I did most of the cooking, cleaning and house chores. Then in 2008, when Tammy went on disability, our life become more stressful. Her income dropped about $20,000 a year. You can only imagine how hard that was, especially considering that Tammy's medical bills were getting higher and let's face it, the cost of everything got higher. I mean, when I met Tammy in 1999, gas was hovering around $1 a gallon! And now in my new life, I have my same 25 hour a week job but I'm trying to pay the same bills without Tammy's income. Essentially I have to decide what bills have to be paid or skipped (and hope I don't get a turn off notice) and where to buy the cheapest food. The real ordeal happens when something goes wrong at my near 30 year old house. I have some plumbing issues and part of my exterior was damaged in a storm this past winter and still is in need of repair. I just found out my roof needs to be replaced. Grieving is hard enough but with the added stress of no money and a house needing big repairs it's pretty gut wrenching. Tammy had been paying into a life insurance policy since way before I met her. Sadly, a couple years ago while in the hospital she missed some payments and the company canceled her term life policy. She lost everything she paid in. The fact remains though, I could be a millionaire and the devastation of losing Tammy would hurt every bit as much. My old life was happy and filled with love. This one is filled with tears, loneliness, emptiness and anguish.

I think about the fact that Tammy isn't alive and I cry her name out. Over and over. The sense of disbelief is still there. How could this all have happened? How could she be gone? I should be out shopping for gifts for her 46th birthday on June 10th. This "new life" sucks.

This is just too hard. The hurt is too deep. I'm sort of functioning. I'm working, I'm doing the chores I absolutely have to. Beyond that, I'm going through the motions. Thinking about Tammy brings sadness, tears and guilt. The unfairness of everything she went through. The fact that I miss her so much it hurts. The fact I wasn't always the perfect husband. I know I tried my best but ultimately I wasn't able to save her. I was supposed to be her knight in shining armor and her protector. This life put simply... sucks. Honestly, I don't know why I even work. For what future? I know people say it gets better with time, better how? The truth is, I doubt life will get better. How could it? I lost everything that meant something in my world. This is how it will be. It's called torture.

Brian, first of all, my condolences. I lost my beloved wife Tammy on March 6th of this year. Everything that you posted resonates with me. This is all part of the grief journey. It's certainly the hardest journey any of us will ever take. You've lost the love of your life, your reason for happiness... this is life changing in every way. Don't worry about "controlling your emotions", this is a time to grieve. The guilt, the overwhelming sadness for the future that will never be... that's all a normal (not that anything feels "normal" right now) part of this. This site will be a blessing for you, I promise you that. Post here anytime you want.

I just had one of those moments. I scraped up my hand pretty badly working on my car earlier today and just now decided to put some ointment on it... well... For the past couple years I took care of Tammy's wounds including the many open MRSA ones. We kept a plastic shoebox sized storage container for many of our wound care items. Anyway, I remembered that we probably had some ointment in there I could use. I opened the box and saw many of the wound care supplies we used almost daily and a special scissors we used. When I saw the scissors, I lost it. I let out a huge scream and continued with more anguished screams and tears. I guess it was a reminder that we tried so hard to keep Tammy as healthy as we could. We fought the hard fight. We wanted more time together. More love. more smiles. Yet here I am, alone and Tammy has gone to heaven. Why did this have to happen to such a wonderful person as Tammy?

Lori... you mentioned he "kept asking questions and just would not stop talking." That in itself just sounds like he was trying to strike up a conversation. Considering this was in the setting of a BBQ for the group, that doesn't seem out of line. Of course, you didn't mention the type of questions he was asking. Is it at all possible he was just trying to be social? On the other hand, I'm very sorry he made you feel so uncomfortable. Marty may have actually hit the nail on the head. You simply may feel more comfortable with one on one grief counseling at this point in time.

This one is simple. Give him a swift kick in the azz and be done with him. He's toxic for you.

I'm just taking one day at a time. It still feels like this life is nothing more than going through the motions. Get up, work, eat, pay bills, sleep and repeat. Honestly, how could it be otherwise? I've lost my best friend, my lover, my confidant, the audience for my silly humor, my soulmate, my wife, the best kisser and hugger ever, my happiness... Tammy was my everything. I still can't fathom what happened or why. The emptiness of this life is overwhelming. I feel so lost, so lonely and so alone. On a positive note, I had a terrific phone chat with Dew's Girl (Amy) the other day. She was very nice and it was good hearing her point of view on things. Made my day, for sure.

Thanks Marty and Kay... at least two people on this board noticed! My 60th birthday on Sunday was just another day. Back in March, I was expecting it to be a very special day for both me and Tammy. After all, my birthday is only on Mother's Day on a rare occasion. And 60 is a big number. I spent about 7 hours on the phone yesterday talking to a lot of people. I was grateful for that. Everything still feels empty and meaningless though... If I'm occupied with something, I can concentrate on it. And I don't cry during those times. However, anytime my mind thinks about Tammy (which is all the time really) I lose it and cry like a baby. I still can't fathom that she's actually gone. How did that happen? The shoulda, coulda's still consume me. How do we go from watching TV together and eating lunch to Tammy being gone in a matter of hours? This funny, sweet, loving, beautiful and perfect for me woman not here on earth with me. Why????? She was the only person that made this world right for me. It feels like I have nothing.

I just got back from my birthday dinner and things went well overall. It was me, my older sister and her husband, my nephew and his girlfriend and a couple that was a long time friend of my sister. The food at the restaurant was good and they had a big red velvet cake for dessert. I have to say that I had a pretty good time... although... my sister's friend was pushing me to "move on", "find a girlfriend" and I almost lost it when she said I should "look for a rich one". I think (hope) that was the two glasses of wine speaking. Some people simply don't understand how devastating losing Tammy is to me. I can't believe I will be sixty in just a few short hours. At least I still have good hair.

I just can't stop crying. I think about how much I miss Tammy and the tears just pour out. My heart feels completely broken... My sister invited me to go out to dinner tonight to celebrate Mother's Day and my birthday. I'll go, but obviously, my thoughts will be elsewhere. It should be Tammy there by my side. I can't handle this feeling of being without my sweet TamTam. It's not just the sadness. It's not just the loneliness. It's not just the emptiness. Every moment of my life right now feels meaningless. People try to tell me encouraging things. That I should try to find happiness it the little things... the little "victories". To find some happiness in things like listening to the birds chirp or rainbows. Or telling me I should get a dog or something as a companion. I guess my take on having a pet is different than most. I've had two dogs in my life. The first was hit and killed by a car. My second dog was like a best friend and when he died, I simply was overwhelmed with sadness. I haven't had a pet since. For all the wonderful things a pet brings, I'm not equipped emotionally to handle another potential loss of something I love. I'm trying to cope. I want my days to go well. Unfortunately, the grief overwhelms me. It's going fairly well at work because I've always had the ability to have a "work personality". What I mean is that I've always been able to put aside my personal issues and give my customers what they want... I'm extremely friendly and nice to them. I listen to their stories and smile at them but inside I'm thinking "I really don't feel like listening to this". Right now, I'm consumed in my grief. I'm sure Tammy wouldn't want me so overwhelmed that I'm not really functioning. I just don't know how push myself to do all the things I need to do. There seems to be no real incentive. The only thing that would make my life good again is for this to all have been a bad dream. To wake up and see Tammy there by my side, smiling. Since we all know that can't happen, I pretty much have a life and future that looks to be filled with gloom. How in the world can I be optimistic? Believe me, I want there to be happiness in my life. But how?

It's been two months since Tammy passed away. Certainly the hardest, worst two months of my life. Tammy truly was the one person in my life that loved me unconditionally and my love for her was (and still is) infinite. She was the reason each day of my life was better. With her health not being great the past couple years, each and every one of my days was spent doing my best to make sure Tammy was ok. If it meant taking off of work to be with Tammy at home on one of her especially bad days, that's what I did. If it meant sleeping in an uncomfortable chair for two weeks straight in the hospital to be by Tammy's side I did it. I did it because she was the most important person in my life and I did it because I knew my being there would help. Tammy and I were as in love with each other on March the 6th as we were that day I first met her at the airport those many years ago. Actually, we were more in love than ever. We fought the battle against her health problems each and every day, All we wanted was more time to spend with each other. Another day... more smiles, more kisses... and Tammy wanting at least a few more massages! When Tammy went to heaven on March 6, 2015, the world as I knew it ended. Tammy and I really were as one. Like two peas in a pod as we used to say. Right now, my world feels empty, lonely and sad. I feel like I lost everything. She was truly my better half. And she always knew how to make me feel better about things. I tend to not only be a worrywart, be also tend to jump to conclusions. For example, I'd go into panic mode if I misplaced my keys at home. I'd frantically start looking for them and telling Tammy "I must have left them in the door and somebody probably stole them". Tammy would calmly tell me to relax and that she was sure they were somewhere in the house. And every time she was right! Or, I would tell her I was upset because I was having a "bad hair day" (yeah I worry about such things lol) and she'd say "Mitch, your hair looks fine, there's never a hair out of place". She always made me feel better. And in the same way I tried to make her feel better about things. She really stressed out about money issues after she lost her job. I'd always tell her we'd find a way to take care of things. We were so right for each other. If she was cold and needing warming I was warm. If I crawled into bed, freezing, she would warm me up. Tammy was the most incredible person. She fought more health battles than 20 people should deal with in their lifetimes combined. Yet, she never lost her amazing sense of humor and that wonderful smile and great laugh. I don't know what my life will become in the future. For now, I'm struggling to find a reason to go on. I'm trying my best... I've gone back to work for example, but... for the most part, I'm going through the motions. This is grief I know that. The bigger the love, the bigger the grief. I'm having a hard time coming to grips with Tammy only getting 45 years. She deserved so much more. We had many plans (like going to the ocean this Spring) and I've never seen Tammy so ready to get stronger and to exercise. This Sunday, will be very difficult for me. It's Mother's Day and of course Tammy was a mom (a very loving mom to Katie for sure) and I will be thinking of my mom who passed away back in 1998 as well. But... May 10th is also a milestone birthday for me... I will be 60. The thought of Tammy not being here to celebrate is so painful. I know she would have made me one of her incredibly moist lemon cakes. I love you Tammy with everything I have. You will always be my perfect angel.

Steve... thanks for the wonderful post! You said some things that really helped.

Some random thoughts... I often write here regarding the fact that nobody cares about me these days. It hurts because it just seems so cruel that people won't reach out and help comfort someone in overwhelming grief. Yet, the fact is, when Tammy was in my life, selfish people like that wouldn't bother me one bit. I'd just figure it was their problem. I had Tammy, and honestly, she was all I needed. Our love was amazing for each other... and she made everything better for me. Now that she's gone and I have no one in this world that loves me, everything feels so different. So empty and meaningless. It's like I have the plague or something and people feel the need to avoid me. Another thing I'm noticing is that I dwell less and less on me and more and more on how unfair life was to Tammy. She deserved good health. How could she be taken away at only 45 years old? I find myself looking at pictures and crying out "Tammy please come back" over and over. I see a preview for the new season of a tv show Tammy liked and I cry so hard knowing she can't watch. I keep crying thinking about things we planned that will never be. This "life" is nothing but gut wrenching misery.

Micki... Kay is right. Don't set an end of month timetable for cleaning out Don's side of the closet. Do things when YOU are ready. No need to rush.

Maryann, unfortunately most people are very self-centered and someone else's grief is simply something they'd rather not deal with. In my grief I've reached out to so many and so few have cared enough to even give me a shoulder to cry on. Put simply, that sucks but it is the reality, Try not to let other people's insensitivity get to you. I know it's easier said than done, though. This May 10th is going to be very traumatic for me. My 60th birthday falls on Mother's Day this year. The only birthday present I'd want, I simply can't have.

I'm still just going through the motions. Nothing feels right in this world. This so-called "new normal", feels very abnormal. I just don't know how to live without Tammy. She was my life, she made my life happy. Without her, it feels like I'm here, but why? I take pleasure in nothing these days. Honestly, that's not who I am. I like to have fun, like to joke around. I loved making Tammy laugh and being silly. Now, I have a life of nothing (unless emptiness counts as something lol). I get up, shower, work, eat and sleep. And repeat. The people that may have called to check on me in the first couple weeks have since forgotten about me. It's a lonely, depressing existence.

Lori, I don't mean to hijack your thread but what you said about guilt made me think of my own... BTW, you certainly did everything the best you could. I'm dealing with the guilt from the what if's ... it overwhelms me. I play the day Tammy passed away over and over in my head. I was her caregiver, I was supposed to make the right decisions. I was supposed to be her knight in shining armor... her protector. Of course, everything I'm feeling right now is in hindsight. I know that definitely plays tricks on your mind and causes unwarranted guilt. In my case, I know I did everything to the best of my ability. I acted the same that day as I would have on any other day. I always only wanted one thing... for Tammy to be ok. One thing about Tammy was she knew her body. She knew when she needed to go to the hospital or had to call for an ambulance. On that fateful Friday though, all she said was she was extremely tired. There were some odd signs like her little bit of confusion.. she seemed much more tired than normal. I guess I simply couldn't believe that it was more than that. After all, we had just come home from that hospital/rehab stay and she was getting better, right? By the time her symptoms got worse (trouble breathing), it was basically too late. Why didn't I know to call 911 earlier? I know in my mind I felt like these symptoms had to be from that new narcotic pain pill she took that morning. I consulted my brother in law (a physician and he concurred that it could be the med). Tammy herself just said she needed sleep and she was restless and couldn't get comfortable. A couple of weeks ago, I came across an article online explaining some common signs of someone being near death. They mentioned the restlessness, the extreme tiredness and the confusion. But of course, I had no idea of this on Match the 6th. The symptoms Tammy had were similar to things we've dealt with over the years of her living with systemic lupus. I keep beating myself up over this. I know Tammy wouldn't want me doing that. She knows I always lived my life to make sure she was ok at all times. I loved her more than anyone in this world and now my world is a world of nothingness. How do I accept the fact that this was essentially out of my control, that it was not my fault... that her organs were shutting down? This is eating me up.

Like my female co-worker telling me it was "time to look for a girlfriend"? Not sure what she was smoking. People really are clueless.

Maryann, my TV is on all the time as well. I just don't have the ability to focus on a full show for the most part. It's just background noise. For the most part I avoid any shows Tammy and I used to watch and enjoy. Anytime a happy married life scene is shown I either tear up or turn the channel. For a while I was hardly eating at all... now I'm overeating. The love of my life... my reason to live, isn't here anymore and I have no one in my life that loves me at all. Tammy and I had a love for the ages and I've gone from a perfect love to feeling absolutely unloved in any way. It's pretty unbearable. I'm trying to "cope" but honestly, I'm just going through the motions each and every day.

This loneliness, sadness, emptiness and longing for Tammy is just overwhelming me, consuming me. It seems like the only time I can subdue those feeling is when I'm at work, at the counselor or on the phone with someone. My life is mostly just crying, sleeping and eating. I have things I need to do that I just keep putting off. I just seem to have no "oomph" and maybe I just don't care anymore. This "life" sucks.

I've had a rough few days and have had a few of those moments. Yesterday was a tear-fest. Thoughts of Tammy, looking at pictures.. all of those triggers are hitting me extra hard right now. I keep replaying the day Tammy passed in my mind and questioning why I "didn't know" Tammy's organs were failing. Of course Tammy herself just felt very tired, but I'm beating myself up with guilt and it's based on hindsight. I know that's totally unfair to me but it's where my head seems to go. On another note, I live in a suburb outside of Baltimore. You probably are aware we had rioting and bedlam here. I watched CNN in disbelief last night. Scary stuff. You'd think that Tammy's family might have tried to contact me to see if I was affected in any way... but of course, they didn't. How horrible is that?

I'm sorry about your loss, Lori. My beloved wife Tammy passed away on March 6, 2015. She had suffered with systemic lupus for 24 years. The past 8 years or so have been traumatic. Surgeries, life threatening infections, a cardiac arrest, hemorrhaging, MRSA, clots, falls... on and on. And I was always there for her. The last few years in particular I was Tammy's caregiver as well. Losing her feels like my life has ended. And unfortunately for all of us who have lost the love of their life... our life as we knew it has ended. First off, as Jeffrey said, there is nothing wrong with you. You are grieving the loss of the most important person in your life. We all feel an emptiness. Not only have we lost our best friend, soulmate etc. but it feels like our heart has a huge hole in it. All we can do is take one day at a time... one moment at a time, really. I look at pictures of Tammy and cry like a baby. I think about the day she passed and question my every move. I mean, Tammy just came home from a hospital/rehab stay... she was supposed to be doing better! All I can tell you is that this journey is the hardest thing any of us will face in life. For me, it's extra difficult because I don't have any real in person support. I think having your kids with you has to help in a lot of ways. Certainly it isn't easy though. Posting here, among people who have also felt the pain of losing their beloved spouse will help you.