mittam99

Life without Tammy sucks... in so many ways. It's been 8 months to the day that Tammy died suddenly and unexpectedly. Today was a rough day at work. I'm not sure why but every customer of mine seemed to be a problem customer. By the end of the day, I was about ready to scream... Leaving work meant going home to my house. In the past that would have cured what ailed me. Tammy would be there and the smile would return to my face. Now there's no comfort, no sharing and no love. Yeah life without Tammy sucks. I miss her so much.

Tejas, I'm very sorry you have lost the love of your life. I lost my perfect wife Tammy in March. She was only 45. You mentioned about trying to cope with your loss. Coping is the key word. You don't "get over it" as some will say who haven't experienced this. You just sort of take things one moment at a time... that's really all you can do. There will be grief triggers that will overwhelm you but somehow, some way ... you will get through the day. Remember, your Karen will always be with you in your heart and your soul. You've joined a very understanding and compassionate group here. Come to the forum anytime and let us know how things are going in your grief journey. Wishing you the best.

A bit off topic, a bit on... I wasn't sure where the best place was to post this... I saw a counselor to help me with my grief. I went to her for 9 sessions and each time I gave her cash for what I believed was my co-pay. About a month after I stopped seeing her (I felt like I wasn't getting much out of the sessions) she called me to let me know my insurance paid for the sessions in full and that she would be sending me a check for the money I gave her in excess, I was grateful as my money is very tight. Out of the blue, about a month later, she called me to tell me that she messed up and that I owed her $207. I was shocked because I've never had anyone refund me money and then say "oops". It just seemed so unprofessional. Why would she refund my money if she wasn't sure what insurance paid? I told her my money was extremely tight and I said I'd pay her when I could, but it might be a while. Well, I've been getting phone calls from her and a hand written letter demanding the money and honestly, I haven't paid yet. She's never sent me an actual itemized bill. Never once has she said "Mitch, how are you doing" or "Mitch, we can work out payment if you're having financial difficulties". I find it remarkable that someone in that field could be so cold. She won't even accept a check via mail and said I need to pay her in person. I just am appalled,

I've kept most of Tammy's things just as they were. Her clothes are still here, her laptop, her phone, her cosmetics etc. For me, I guess it's a comfort thing. I mean, I've lost the most important person who was ever part of my life. I need her things here to at least let me feel as though my world is not competely different. I don't think it's some sort of denial or that I think she's coming back to use her stuff. Sure there are times seeing Tammy's belongings brings tears to my eyes (seeing her wound care supplies made me lose it the other day) but I don't think I could easily deal with them not being here. They were things she used or things that touched her skin. That's important to me. I don't want to forget anything about my Tammy or the life I had with her.

I'd be more surprised if you were in the partying mood.

So true Debi... I did virtually all the cooking in our house and I loved seeing Tammy's face light up when I made something delicious. Now there's no real joy in cooking for myself. One of the big things in our life was humor. Be it a funny story I told Tammy about my adventures at work or a funny comment about something we saw on tv or just some random joke. My whole life, I've been a funny guy and I love making people laugh. I still have those funny things to say, but now, it all stays in my head or maybe I just say it out loud (to myself). I mean, I do make people laugh at work and that's fine but I spend most of my time alone at home. On another note, another widower (customer of mine) was telling me today the only thing that got him over his grief was finding a new woman. That's great for him but that's not me. I found the one great love of my life in Tammy and she's all I ever wanted (and needed).

I like it. Very cool way of honoring your love.

Gwenivere... I know what you mean and beautifully said. It's hard (almost impossible, really) to look at the world with the same joy we had before our beloved passed. It's amazing how everything just seemed better knowing we had our perfect partner there with us. My world is now so "un-magical" without sweet Tammy by my side. Btw... don't be so sure that some adults don't believe in Santa. Tammy loved everything about Christmas. Matter of fact, I decided we should get married in a small ceremony on Christmas eve because I knew that was Tammy's favorite day of the year. Tammy and I both used to say we were kids at heart because we just liked to have fun. What's the fun in being a grown up, right? Now, I have an empty house to come home to, a broken heart and I'm always a moment away from tears. Yes, I totally get that loss of innocence you wrote about.

I've lived through the deaths of my parents and grandparents but nothing... NOTHING... can ever prepare you for the enormity of pain you feel losing your beloved spouse. Combine that with the fact that Tammy's death was sudden and unexpected and the traumatic stress of that, well, my grief is intense. Add to that the fact that I just turned 60 and I now find that dying is on my mind probably more than it should be. Life is so fragile. We truly need to appreciate the time we get. It just hurts so bad knowing that Tammy spent nearly half her life facing a devastating illness. Life isn't fair.

It's been a couple weeks since I last posted. I was thinking about my original premise for this topic.. "dealing with THOSE moments" ... Those moments when the grief hit me so hard and was so overwhelming that it didn't seem possible to go on with this life. Those moments when things were so emotionally bad that suicide became a word that popped into my head. When Tammy passed away, my life was shattered. After all, she was everything positive in my life. She was my happiness and her love made me feel so special. When she died suddenly, and at only 45 years old, my world became a bleak and empty place. How could this happen? What didn't I do right? The guilt began to consume me. Yes, she had been dealing with that horrible disease systemic lupus for over 20 years but in my mind, she wasn't ever going to die. She would be with me forever. Yet on the horrible evening of March 6, 2015 she was gone forever. I was devastated and truly felt like my life was over too. Now well over seven months later, some things have changed and some haven't. My grief is still overwhelming. I miss Tammy with every fiber of my being. I still feel like so lonely and so empty without Tammy. The difference now is that when those gut wrenching grief waves hit me, I realize I do not want to die. Yes, I want to be with my Tammy again but... I realize that I need to live this life that I was given and live it in a way that keeps Tammy's memory alive and honors who she was and the love she gave me.

I just don't know about the group idea yet. While I certainly find this forum to be helpful and enlightening at times, I don't know how well I'd do in an in-person group. I'd be worried that listening to so many others in pain might just be a little bit too gut wrenching at this moment. I mean, I watch TV and the moment I see something that relates to Tammy I either start crying or need to switch the channel or fast forward because it's so upsetting. Just this morning I was watching a show where they mentioned a woman had gotten Lupus and ... I burst out into tears. This new life is so hard because it's a life without Tammy.

Another thing that makes this grief journey so hard... The few people that were willing to listen to me talk about Tammy seem to be less interested as time goes by. I know I shouldn't take it personally because it's on them but it still hurts. I look at it as not just disinterest in me but as a lack of respect to Tammy. People still continue to amaze me with the ridiculous things they sometimes say. A customer of mine (a recent widower as well) told me "Mitch, you know what you need? You need a woman". He knew it had just been a few months for me. Seriously? Most people just don't get it. Tammy was all I ever wanted. I don't want someone else... ever. I just feel so heartbroken.

What's extra hard for me is that Tammy truly was my world. My one and only happiness. I'm pretty much alone in this world now. It's hard to come home from work and not be able to share the day with Tammy or make her laugh or love on her. I have a lot of things to say and no one there to listen. What a life! As an adult, I never was one who had a ton of friends (mostly just acquaintances and co-workers). Tammy's daughter Katie and her family have shown they have no interest in maintaining a relationship with their "ex-daddy", "ex-son-in-law" and "ex brother-in-law". I loved Tammy with everything I had and still do yet Tammy's family treats me with apathy. For the first seven years I was with Tammy and her health was relatively good, Tammy's family told me I was amazing for Tammy and Katie. As Tammy's health declined, their view of me seemed to change. I try not to dwell on it, but still, it hurts. I'm glad my sisters understand how losing Tammy is a horrific, life altering event. Unlike Tammy's side of the family, they do seem to care and I'm thankful fr that.

Debi, Maryann and Kay... Thank you for your wonderful replies. It means a lot to me that you take the time to write those thoughtful words.

Some random thoughts about my grief "journey". I'm trying to live my life in a way that honors Tammy. I just feel so lucky that I had such an amazing wife who loved me so much. Why do I feel guilty that I am still here? When I laugh I feel like I need to apologize to Tammy. If I make something tasty to eat, I feel guilty that Tammy can't enjoy it as well. If I buy something for myself, I feel guilty. It's as if my mind is telling me that a life without my beloved Tammy should be torture. Is this madness? I look at pictures of Tammy and her smile makes me feel better when I'm down... then that smile turn to tears, anguish and pain. She should still be here. No one as sweet and loving as Tammy should lose their life at only 45 years old. Why did God give her these horrendous medical issues for most of her life? I miss her so much and it hurts so bad. Life without Tammy to put it bluntly, sucks.

That's a difficult thing to answer. The easy answer would be that she'd want me to be happy somehow and to go on living. But, at the same time, I know what she really wanted was to have her health and for us to live that life of love and happiness together. I'm doing the best I can considering my life has been torn apart. Considering that the one person in this world that cared is gone. The one person that truly made my life worthwhile is in heaven and I'm still here. The sheer sadness is overwhelming.

About the same Debi. It's just so hard to take any joy in anything now. I loved making Tammy laugh and loved being silly with her. Now, I have no one to share anything with. The loneliness is difficult but the hardest part is trying to understand why this happened. Tammy had come home from a hospital/rehab stay and she and I had plans for a whole life ahead of us. A life of love and happiness. And then suddenly, two days later... she was gone.

Just checking in with the group. My heart is still broken and I miss Tammy with every fiber of my being. I'm still having a hard time realizing she's not coming back. Still wondering what I could have/should have done differently or better. Still not able to function beyond the very basics. Still have the same stuff on my to do list. In other words, it hasn't gotten easier or better. Tammy was all I ever needed or wanted. Without her, not only am I lost... I feel like I have no life.

I lost my beloved and precious wife Tammy suddenly on March 6. 2015. Now, 6 and 1/2 months later, I still can't believe it happened. Still can't fathom that she isn't just on some extended vacation and coming back. When you love someone deeply, I believe the grief lasts a lifetime. It may change over time but grieving will always be there. After all, the person you lost was your everything. Your world is changed forever in an emotionally powerful way. I just basically take it one day at a time. The waves of grief will always be there but someday they may not overwhelm as much. Ricky, what you are feeling is absolutely normal and to be expected. Brad... I was my wife's caregiver as well. My wife Tammy went through medical ordeals that no one should ever have to and I was by her side always. I know people will say "she's not in pain anymore", but that's little consolation to those of us left behind. We want our loved ones to be pain free, but... alive! One of the tough things about being a caregiver and grieving is the added guilt that goes with it. What more could I have done or what didn't I do... etc. The bottom line is that this is clearly the hardest and most emotional thing any of us will go through. What keeps me going is that I want to live my life in a way that honors my lovely wife Tammy. Tammy will be with me... heart and soul, for all my life.

I work with the public and on a near daily basis I see people who haven't seen me in a while. I dread those moments and those questions... "How have you been?" ... How is you're wife doing"? It is so gut wrenching and painful. I still can't believe Tammy passed away. I've had people ask me to do things socially (invites to lunch and such) but I'm not quite ready to do that. I've forced myself to go to a few family events but that's about it. I basically work and go home. All I want is my life back that I had. My life with my Tammy. On another note, Tammy's family does not stay in contact with me. It's pretty clear now that Tammy is gone I do not matter to them in any way. It bugs me that they are so cold but that's their choice... I can't worry about it at this point.

Not doing so great, Debi. Thank you very much for your thoughts. Even after 6 months there's a part of me that's holding out hope that this was all some sort of nightmare and Tammy will be coming back to me safe and sound. Then reality hits and I am in shambles. How can I possibly live without my special lady... my perfect wife... my sweet Tammy, for years to come? I simply can't fathom that. It still plays on my mind how fragile life is. How could Tammy be talking one minute and gone the next? My whole world as I knew it was gone in an instant and replaced with a life of loneliness and nothingness. I do take solace in the fact that in a way Tammy will be with me for always. I will never forget her joyful spirit and her immense courage and her incredible smile. What hurts so deeply though is not being able to share the rest of my life with her. She made me feel so special and so loved. And my love for her had no limits. I'm trying to live the best I can. I'm exercising and trying to eat a healthy diet. But, there's a voice in my head that asks "why bother"? Life without Tammy is so empty. I miss her so badly. This pain is nearly unbearable.

It's been 6 months since since my beloved wife Tammy suddenly passed away on March 6th. My life was forever changed and it surely feels like my heart is shattered in a million pieces. Tammy wasn't just my wife, she was my everything. My whole world. She was the only one who truly loved me. She made me feel like somebody special. I loved (and will always love) Tammy with every fiber of my being. This "new" life, this "new" world without Tammy is very difficult for me. Everyday there are grief triggers that bring me to my knees with tears and anguish. I often cry out in agony from the deep pain of missing her. Not having Tammy by my side makes my life feel so empty and meaningless. I don't understand why God chose to take Tammy away. That's far, far beyond my comprehension. I only know that she was the most sweet and wonderful person I've ever known and deserved a very long and very healthy life. Unfortunately, Tammy's health was poor for a very long time. She fought health battles that few could even imagine. And she maintained that positive and loving spirit throughout. She truly was an inspiration to me. She was not just a perfect, wonderful wife to me, She was a great mom and loved her miracle girl Katie will all her heart. That smile of Tammy's could turn any frown upside down. I know I'm a better person because Tammy was in my life. Truth is, she will always be in my life. She's a part of me... forever and always.

It seems as though there is no longer a way to preview something that you post in the forum. In the past, when posting, there was a separate "preview" button to allow you to see your formatted post before submitting. Is that function gone or am I just not looking in the correct place?

My life still feels like it's on hold. It also seems like the few people that kept in contact with me have abandoned me. Family and friends. Even the few people from this forum I've had phone contact with me have stopped returning my occasional calls or texts. I guess I shouldn't take it personally, but I do. I mean, I have pretty much nothing in my life without my beloved Tammy and even the few "bright spots" appear to have vanished. It all reinforces the feeling that it truly was me and Tammy against the world. We were perfect for each other and our love for each other knew no bounds. Every one else seems to be wrapped up in their own world. To them, I'm nothing but some guy grieving for his wife. My grief is never ending and the tears comes so easily. Even over 5 months later, I still can't fathom what happened. I guess I'm still holding out some hope that this all was some sort of nightmare and when I wake up, Tammy will be back by my side, just like before. I can't understand (no matter how hard I try) why someone as sweet and wonderful as Tammy was taken away from this world after only 45 years. People have told me "she's out of her pain". Yes, there is truth to that. But... what she deserved was to be out of pain and alive!!! Tammy was what I lived for. She made my heart beat a little faster. She made me feel like something special. Now I'm but a shell filled with utter sadness. My days are filled with longing and loneliness. Still, I am trying to do things the best I can all the while trying to do Tammy proud. Virtually every thought in my head is about Tammy. How could it not be? She was the love of my life and the only person I will ever call my wife.

Jeff, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my beloved wife Tammy suddenly on March the 6th and my life seemed to just stop. Those folks who tell you to "move on" or that you "have to be strong"... well... they're simply talking out of their behinds, to put it politely. The fact is that what happened is tragic, it's life altering, and no one but you knows how you feel. I know people are well meaning but unless they've lost the love of their life, they really don't have a clue. This grief journey is best taken one day at a time. Just put one step in front of the other and see how it goes. As far as counseling, it's certainly not a bad idea, just make sure you feel comfortable with your counselor. In person grief groups are another thing to consider and of course forums like this. It all helps. The pain you're feeling is so deep because you loved Sue so much. I'm only 5 months into my grief journey but I have come to realize one thing. You never "get over" a loss like this. All you can do is wake up in the morning and face the day and see where it takes you. I wish you all the best.