mittam99

Don't listen to those "fools" who tell you that you should be over this by a certain date. I can tell you without question, they are clueless. There is no timetable for what's in your heart.

Teri, welcome to the site. You've definitely found a caring place to share your thoughts while you grieve the loss of your beloved Brian. I also met my soulmate online ... my wife Tammy.. We met in 1999, she was from a very small town in Illinois (population 200) and I was a guy from the suburbs of Baltimore, Maryland. And she was my everything. She passed away suddenly on March 6, 2015 from complications of a 24 year battle with systemic lupus. The people at this forum have definitely helped me through some tough days. We need all the support we can get in this journey. I know exactly what you mean about not being able to touch our loved ones or be touched. Tammy had the softest skin ever... like "butta" as I used to say. And our hugs and kisses we magic. At night in bed, If my legs were warm and needed cooling, hers were cool. If her feet were cold, mine were warm. We were perfect for each other. Now all I can do is hold her pillow and hope some of her scent is still there. The sadness can be overwhelming. I actually feel dehydrated every day from crying. Our lives are now completely different in every single way. The deeper the love, the deeper the grief. I think it's safe to say all of us posting here are mourning the greatest love of our lives. Post here as often as you like, I think you'll find it really helps. Mitch

Glad you took care of yourself Amy. I know that's not an easy thing at this point. Hope you're feeling better soon!

Amy, how are you doing today?

Micki, it's been over a month and a half since I lost my Tammy and many things are still as they were. It's too painful to think about going through all of her stuff. I think you're doing the right thing. There is absolutely no need to rush it. Do things at your pace and don't do anything that overwhelms you. This is your journey, do it your way.

Change Mark to Tammy, wife to husband and him to her and I could have written that. It seems like all of us here in this forum have something in common. We didn't just lose a spouse, we lost a spouse that we were (and will always be) madly in love with and who made us feel complete and whole. That's why we grieve so hard. Maryann, everytime I read your posts, I feel the same anguish and longing and emptiness in your words that I am feeling. In a way it makes me feel better... knowing that I'm not alone in my pain. I wish we all could invent a time machine and go back and spend more time with our loved one. I wish we'd all wake up and realize this was all a bad dream. We know that's not reality, sadly. I'm glad you post here. It's good to get out your feelings and whether you know it or not, you're helping others. Mitch

Jeffrey, I'm so glad you have people in your life that are supportive of you. That's wonderful.

You mentioned Mark being your knight. I know I tried to be Tammy's knight in shining armor for sure. She always told me when I was around she felt safe and secure. And she gave me so much comfort and love.

Smudgie, your words certainly convey the emotions many of us are feeling in a very eloquent way. Thank you for posting that.

Maryann, my heart goes out to you. I'm only a month and a half into my journey, and as you are, I'm overwhelmed with sadness. I also am now dealing with an insurance problem, so I'm sure you can relate. My Tammy was on my health insurance at work as a dependent. My premium was pretty low for myself but quite a bit was taken out weekly for Tammy's coverage. I called the insurance company after Tammy's passed explaining everything and filled out the paperwork I had to. Today I looked at my paystub and saw they are still taking out for her premium even though she isn't even alive! I've talked to one person today who said it was a mistake but couldn't help me. She gave me two other numbers to call and neither of the people were available. Going through the emotions of grief, this is the last thing we need!

Cassandra, I'm not one to tell others how to live their life but if you want feedback, here's mine. While we all miss the affection of our loved one, you're too early in your grief to think about another possible relationship. You've heard the term "on the rebound" regarding people who are divorced. Meaning that people often make bad relationship choices at that point. Well, that's a divorce and certainly that's emotional. You on the other hand have lost your beloved Jack to a sudden death. That's a whole different level of emotional hurt and anguish. This is not the time to make any big decisions and certainly not any decisions regarding something like this. You said in your first post that "I need to force myself to push through this already. It is kind of unfair, but I think it will grant me a second chance on life. I understand it takes time, but I don't have much time to spend grieving right now!". To be honest, you really need to take all the time you can to grieve the loss of Jack. You shouldn't just "push through" this as you said. If you do, I'm afraid that your grief will hit you even harder down the road. Mitch

To Marty and all other members... let me try to explain why it feels like no one cares. To do that, I need to write about events that have happened to me and Tammy. This post will be very long and maybe rambling but please stick with it. I hope it will put things in perspective. And I want to mention right off that I've gotten wonderful replies from members here that have helped. The fact that no one was interested in chatting with me when I asked was disappointing, sure, but I knew it was a long shot. Many people just aren't comfortable talking on the phone like I am. I have found a friend here on the forum though (Kay) and she is very sweet. So, let me try to explain why these waves of despair come over me. The feeling that no one cares. First off, let me toot my own horn here. I am a good guy. I do care. People find me to be funny and smart. And well spoken. OK, enough about me, I just wanted to say that because it does feel like I get treated like a nothing these days. Sure some of my feelings are based on my emotions being raw since Tammy's passing, no doubt. However, I really do think people tend to be very self centered these days and I'm "just another guy who lost his wife". When Tammy came into my life, my world was changed in so many ways. For starters, I was a lifelong bachelor. Now I had a beautiful woman in my life and someone to share my life with. And I had an instant family as 3 year old Katie was part of the package. And that may tell you the kind of man I am. There are guys out there who would be reluctant about the instant family aspect of the relationship. I knew how much I loved Tammy and I accepted Katie as if she were my own. I also knew Tammy had pretty severe systemic lupus, but again, it didn't matter, I was in love with Tammy. So in the year 2000, Tammy and Katie left their life in Illinois to start a new one with me in Maryland. From 2000 until that horrible day in 2007 when Tammy was rushed to the hospital from work, her health was pretty good. She did have the occasional flare and fatigue and pain of course. But overall she was very active and we did lots of fun stuff like taking trips to the beach and going out to eat a couple times a week. 2007 was the beginning of her health issues becoming the major focus of our lives. She had a pulmonary embolism, pleurisy and a collapsed lung. She had a 6 and a half hour surgery and a couple month hospital and nursing home rehab stay. Even though she was Employee of the Year at her job, she was fired because she was out for 9 months. Of course, they didn't say it was due to her illness but we knew better. I thought we should consider legal action against them. Tammy said no because she thought she might have had a chance to get her job back. Of course, that never happened. I won't go into all the details of all of her medical ordeals in this post. I think regulars here who have read my prior posts know she had more medical horrors then 20 people should have in their lifetime combined. She always handled them with a strong will to live and with grace and humor. And I was always by her side. Why do I think no one cares? Well... let me talk about some of the things we endured in dealing with people in our lives. From day one, my family (my sisters and their families) questioned my decision to be with Tammy. They were concerned about her lupus and the fact I met her on the internet. It angered me but I took it with a grain of salt. I mean, I loved Tammy... who cares what they said. But... they didn't treat Tammy all that nicely. For example, they'd send me birthday cards but not Tammy. How disrespectful was that? Sure after Tammy passed they said what a wonderful sweet person she was but they didn't treat her all that well. My older sister has a beach house in Delaware and she invited my younger sister there all the time. She never invited Tammy and me. Tammy was ill most of the time after 2007. Whether it was due to pain or fatigue or dizziness etc... she missed a number of her doctors appointments. Two of those doctors dropped her for missing appointments! I realize being a doctor is a business but Tammy clearly wasn't just rescheduling because she didn't feel like going... she was sick. How cruel was that of these doctors? I remember Tammy talking to one of those doctors on the phone and begging the doctor to please keep her on as a patient. The doctor wouldn't budge and Tammy was in tears. Again, there's that theme... people not caring about us. There was another very bad situation with an entire group of doctors. I took Tammy to the ER due to intolerable pain. This was on a weekend and the staff was mostly student doctors. Essentially the young doctors would not give her pain medicine to help. They treated her as if she was an addict! Keep in mind, Tammy has been on prescribed narcotic pain meds for over 20 years. This was not the time to teach her about the possiblity of addiction!! A day and a half later, Tammy went home never getting any pain relief. I wrote a letter to the president of the hospital. I got an apology but that was it. Again, there's that theme, people not being fair to Tammy. Over the years, people seemed to abandon Tammy. Her work friends that she'd go out with or called, slowly disappeared. When Katie, her own daughter chose to leave in 2014, to live with her grandmother, well... that was as hard a hit to Tammy as any medical ordeal she'd been through, probably worse. Although, Tammy realized that Katie had been planning this for years (how many times did Katie say "I hate Maryland, Illinois is awesome") it still was a huge blow to her emotional state. Add to that the fact that her beloved dad had passed in 2012... Tammy was clearly depressed. The only constant true source of caring we had in our lives was from each other. Tammy was rushed to the hospital in February 2015. It was one of those scary moments when I thought I might lose her. But she made in through ICU and off the ventilator, into a regular room and then off to rehab to regain her strength. And again in rehab, another of those, "why us?", moments happened. Tammy was taken from the hospital to the rehab place by ambulance. I followed in my car but traveling was tough, the roads were icing up. When we arrived I told the nurse I was staying the night due to bad roads and simply wanting to be with my wife. They told me I couldn't. Their brochures had mentioned that guests can stay 24/7. When I mentioned that, she said their policy had just changed. I spoke to her supervisor who coldly told me the same thing. All the while Tammy was in tears and they didn't care. Tammy was concerned about me getting home in the ice (I had recently had a fiasco in a snowstorm due to not having good tires). They didn't budge and they made me leave. I calmed Tammy down and told her I'd call her when I got home. The next morning I voiced my concerns to the head of the facility. She apologized and told me that the nursing supervisor was wrong. Not that it much mattered. The harm was done. The rehab place had excellent physical therapists but the nursing staff and doctor were poor. The facility didn't even have antibacterial gel for the staff. They were supposed to wash their hands in the bathroom but sometimes didn't. The water didn't even get hot. The entire floor Tammy stayed on got a severe stomach bug. Tammy got it and so did I. The doctor was more concerned about Tammy's depression than her medical issues. Just a day and a half after leaving that facility Tammy passed away. Hopefully, you've read what I have written and tried to put yourself in our shoes. Tammy was a beautiful, funny, sweet, loving, heart of gold person that never seemed to catch a break. I think the biggest good break that happened to us was finding each other. And a lot of times it felt like all we had was each other. Honestly, that's what got us through. The incredible, deep total love we had for each other. If no one else seemed to care about us, we always had that. When Tammy passed away on March the 6th, my world felt like it ended. The only person that cared about me, loved me, laughed with me, ate meals with me, lived with me... was gone. All the love I have for her is still there... and what hurts is that others don't understand how devastated, how depressed, how confused, how lonely and how sort of dysfunctional I am now without her. And how much it hurts. I have posted on Tammy's Facebook page several times. It's interesting... and sad. So many of her friends from work that abandoned her are now posting how wonderful she was. I started a memorial page for Tammy and asked others to tell their stories on the page as well. Only a couple have responded. Her mother, one of her sisters and Katie haven't even written any memories there. I'm sorry, but that simply isn't right. I've talked to a few people on the phone but it's clear most people don't want to hear about my feelings or my loving stories of Tammy. Our society is so messed up. The media has programmed people to think you need about a month to get over the loss of a wife and to move on. They don't want to be bothered with someone else's grief. It's not their problem, it cramps their style. Yes, I realize my grief is my grief and everybody has their own issues and their own life to live, but how about trying to comfort someone in their time of need? I run an online car forum. One of my former moderators there started a GoFundMe page to honor Tammy and to help me with expenses. Keep in mind we have over 9,000 members. The community has been online over 12 years. I honestly thought my members would help and we'd meet the "goal". After all, as the "respected" founder of the community, and people knowing how Tammy was my world (because of all my posts there about Tammy), I knew it would work out. Well, in a month we've gotten some donations and (I'm very appreciative) but only 1/5 of the fairly modest goal. My house was badly damaged in a winter storm and still hasn't been repaired. So here I am today, wondering if anyone cares if I'm alive or not. That may sound harsh, but it's the reality. Can you imagine this... I texted Tammy's youngest sister a few weeks ago during one of those "moments" basically telling her I didn't know if I could go on with this life. Her response? "Do you have any hobbies?". Seriously?? I'm doing the best I can do. I'm working at my job, I'm eating a little more although not as healthy as I should. All the other things... the house chores, my to do list and other basics are being neglected. I just don't have the motivation. When I think I might be doing better, I have one of those moments. When I have one of those moments I try to reach out to people but they don't feel the need to help. This is all so hard, so overwhelming and so depressing.

Well today was one of those days and I'm having a "moment" right now. I didn't sleep well last night and simply couldn't make it to work today. Those waves of intense grief just hit me when I looked at a picture and saw the sparkle in Tammy's beautiful green eyes. I try to reach out to what little support network I have (on the phone) and I'm lucky if I hear back from someone a few days later. Can you imagine feeling life is hopeless and there is absolutely no one in your world who cares? No one wants to be "bothered" with my grief. I just don't understand what I've done wrong... I'm simply reaching out in my time of need. Are people really this cold and selfish? I'm trying to cope and trying to function but... when people in my life aren't willing to reach out to me, how am I supposed to feel good? I don't see much reason to feel positive about anything. I have no motivation... really what reason do I have for living? To get up in the morning and repeat this every day? In desperation in an earlier post in this thread, I tried to reach out to members here hoping someone might call. Of course, there were no takers. Maybe my life moving forward just wasn't meant to be.

Stephen, what you wrote about Kathy sitting there cross stitching really resonated with me. Tammy also loved to cross stitch and she did some really incredible stuff. Unfortunately as her illnesses weakened and fatigued her, her cross stitching became less and less frequent. Here's one of her completed projects that's hanging in our kitchen: I also totally relate to you feeling joy when you came home and saw Kathy. For me, just walking into the house after work and seeing Tammy there (whether she was asleep or awake) just made me feel like everything was ok. And that's the thing. Right now there is no "ok". I'm living in a world that I know logically is filled with color but it feels like it's nothing but shades of gray. Even the lights in our bedroom seem to be dimmer (maybe it's just my old eyes lol).

I still don't know how I'm going to ever feel happy again. I am back at work and overall (bills to pay, helping keep me somewhat sane) I guess it's a positive. It's just that I come home to an empty house and when I need/want to talk to someone, they simply aren't there. This new me feels like a zombie just going through the motions. Then those waves of sadness hit when I think about Tammy and my world feels like it's nothing but despair. I find myself crying like a baby and saying "Tammy please come back" over and over. How will I ever feel "whole" again? On another note, I got a call 1:30 in the morning from my step daughter. She was reaching out to me to talk about her pain and her feelings of guilt about Tammy's passing. We talked for a couple hours.

I just created a photo slide show of Tammy and used the song Lady in Red by Chris De Burgh. Every time I listen to that I tear up. Watching the slide show of Tammy I pretty much lose it and cry like a baby.

Glad you're ok Kay!

Amy... I'm not sure it's brain bandwidth for me although my mind certainly isn't in the game most of the time, I think it's more about motivation, or more precisely lack thereof. Really what's the incentive to do chores and other meaningless things? So many things seems pointless. I have a list of things I need to do that I wrote many weeks ago. Probably 20 items on my to do list. I think I've accomplished two of them so far. ailee... Reading your words mirrors the way I feel as well. It's like our world has stopped. And in a way it has. Sure, I cry out my wife Tammy's name and ask her to please come back but we know that can't happen in this world. I too have left many things still in their place. I haven't even washed the plates and forks I used for the last food Tammy and I ate together. I've wanted to buy certain foods I like but I can't right now. If it was something Tammy really liked I feel guilty. My only happiness is in the past. We all need a group hug!!!!

I actually will be back to working five days next week. The truth is, it might just be better for me. Staying at home alone, day after day just probably isn't healthy for my emotional well being. On the other hand, it just feels like such an empty life. Sure, I need the money I earn from working... bills need to be paid. But, where's the happiness? Without my Tammy around it all just seems so meaningless. It still hurts to think about all that she went through medically and emotionally to ultimately be taken away and at such a young age. Another thing... I've started an online memorial site about Tammy. It's really a great way to honor her and to keep all my memories alive forever. I'm posting pictures and adding stories and memories about our life together. The frustrating thing is that I've asked Tammy's family and friends to add their memories to the page and only two have. I just don't understand people. I realize Tammy's memorial doesn't hold the same importance to them as it does to me, but... sometimes I think people are so wrapped up in themselves they can't make a small effort to help someone else. Sad.

Yeah I definitely started crying when I saw the money. I mean, they certainly didn't have to do that.

Ok, so I did the work thing today... It didn't start out very well. It felt like I came back too soon. About an hour into it, I wanted to run home. But, I didn't. As the day progressed I got a bit more comfortable with it. Surprisingly I did pretty well on the procedures and such. The hardest part was the customers asking how I was. When I said "not so great, honestly" I heard the "what's wrong" question and I don't think they were prepared to hear "my wife passed away". A number of my co-workers seemed happy to see me back and genuinely seemed to care about me. The only truly weird moment was a co-worker telling me "I need to look for a girlfriend". I know she was just kidding (I think) but it was a pretty ridiculous thing to say. I kind of considered the source and let it roll off of me. By the end of my shift I actually found myself joking a bit and overall, I did ok. One of my peers told me I did really well. I believe Tammy would have been proud of me. An hour and a half after my shift ended, I had my 3rd session with my counselor. The worst part of the day? On the way to the counselor I decided to go the "back way" to avoid rush hour highway traffic. Something in the road (big rock maybe) bounced up underneath my car and hit something on the suspension. The car seemed ok for a mile or two and then the car started making a bunch of odd sounds. Hopefully there's no major damage, but it's always something, isn't it? Most surprising moment of the day? After work and in my car, I opened up a sympathy card a co-worker gave me. Inside there was some nice words and shockingly, money. Apparently, a few of my friends at work pitched in to help. I was very touched.

Amy, unfortunately my job requires efficiency, speed and friendliness so going at "my pace" won't meet with approval with my bosses. As far as breaks as I need them, I can't do that either. I'm at the mercy of my employer telling me when it's time for my once a day break. This just isn't the type of job that is very accommodating to someone who has lost their soulmate. On the other hand, even if I called work today and asked to push back my return date. I'm sure I'd still have the same anxiety. Be it a week or two or three down the road. I guess I just have to go in and see how it goes. Do the best I can. Like Marty said in an earlier post, I've already experienced the worst day of my life on March 6, 2015 so maybe going to work won't be as bad as expected. Thank you Maryann, Kay and Amy for your caring posts. It means a lot to me. I really don't have anyone in this world right now. Last night I had one of those moments where I didn't know who to turn to. I needed to talk to someone. I had just talked to Kay (she's very nice) the night before and didn't want to burden her again. If any of you are the type that like to talk on the phone feel free to PM me. Maybe we can help each other on our grief journeys. Just a thought. Mitch

I'm the same way and I'm sure most of us early in our grief journey are the same. I think it just eases the pain more to say or write "passed" or "passed away". Maybe that's a form of denial and lack of acceptance or something. I guess for me it's just a more gentle and appropriate way of saying it.

I am extremely anxious about returning to work. Like Kay said, it's a very difficult type of job to return to while in deep grief. For starters, I've been there nearly 25 years, so all the customers know and like me. Normally that would be a good thing but not so much in my current frame of mind. It's a retail business with a huge amount of repeat customers. And I'm extremely popular there and known for my sense of humor and jovial attitude. They expect that of me (customers and my employer). I'm anything but in a lighthearted frame of mind these days. I cry with so many different triggers. Add to that the "where have you been" questions I will be getting over and over and you can understand my fear. On top of that I broke down thinking about going to work as a widow in terms of co-workers. How many times will I hear the "I'm sorry" replies and "what happened" questions. And keep in mind I work at a huge place with hundreds of employees that know me. Plus it's a job that does require concentration in terms of procedures and things. And right now I barely can remember to feed myself. So honestly, I know I am not ready to be thrown back into that type of setting yet, emotionally. But, I have bills to pay and with no income since Tammy passed, I don't have much choice. My stomach is in knots.

Kay, I actually go back to work Thursday and my stomach is in knots thinking about. There are a ton of reasons why I'm anxious and somewhat afraid. Will I be able to concentrate and do my job the way I need to? Since I work with the public, how will I handle all the condolences and questions I'll probably get? What will it be like to come back home for the first time after work and Tammy's not here to talk to? Just last night I thought about being at work and how co-workers would be treating me differently and that I'm a widower. And I just broke down. Without Tammy, I feel broken and like 1/2 a person. How do I begin to function? I mean I barely do the basics at home like cleaning and cooking for myself. Getting the mail is a big challenge for me. My one invite to someones house for dinner made me feel like I was having an out of body experience. Everything triggers my sadness and despair over my beloved Tammy not being here.