mittam99

It's been 5 months since Tammy suddenly passed away. It's so hard to believe she is gone. My life will never be the same, obviously... how could it? The best and most wonderful part of my life is gone. Tammy was what I lived for... her love made me happy and her being in my life made me a better person. I think about March 6th, 2015 and I simply don't understand. I mean, this was supposed to be a good day. The snowstorm had ended and the sun was shining. I got up early to shovel the snow and clean it off the car so I could get to the store and get food and Tammy's meds. Before I left to go to the store I asked Tammy if she would be ok while I was gone (I always asked that question) and she said yes. When I got back home Tammy was sleeping comfortably. I decided to make a special dinner. I also was setting up stuff in our "exercise room" for Tammy. We ate lunch and watched some TV. Then Tammy said she was getting tired and went back to sleep. But in a matter of a few hours, Tammy was gone. It's just so incomprehensible. Sure I know that Tammy had been through more medical ordeals then anyone should ever go through. Sure I knew her health wasn't great. But how could Tammy be gone? She had that incredible smile and laugh and that spirit for living. I just don't understand. Tammy was an amazing and perfect wife to me. She accepted me for who I am. She loved me with everything she had and I loved her with every fiber of my being. Tammy will always be my inspiration and my one true love. I love you Tammy, forever and always. Mitch

scba, I actually saw a counselor for a couple of months.

As time goes by, my intense sadness and longing for Tammy grows. It seems like the reality of life without Tammy is setting in and it's a life that is almost unbearably painful. Tammy was my whole world and my one source of real love. And life without love, well, it's pretty meaningless. When Tammy was alive my days were better because she was in it. She made everything better. These days, I just barely function. I work because I have to. I eat and I watch TV (well, the TV's on but I don't really watch it that much, lol). I know people say it gets "easier" (certainly not better) but in my case, I don't see how that will happen. Not that Tammy and my love was deeper and stronger than anyone else's... it's just that she really was my only source of true happiness and love. I miss Tammy so badly my heart literally aches. I don't know if it's real or imagined but I just don't feel all that great most days. I don't mean emotionally (it's a given that my emotions are not in a good place), I just have a lot more physical aches and pains than I used to. I get heart palpitations and am often short of breath. Grief does not do a body good!!! I took this week off from work. I think I sort of needed a break. On the other hand, a week without work means more time to think about things and more loneliness. Before I started typing this post, I put on my wedding ring. When I put it on, I feel different... I feel more important in a way. That ring symbolizes the best thing that ever happened to me. I was so proud being Tammy's husband. I have many things on my "to do" list that I keep putting off. I keep telling myself "I'll do it when I'm ready". The problem is I don't know if I'll ever be ready. I have no motivation, no get up and go. My best friend, my lover, my soul mate, my companion, my confidant, my perfect wife is gone. How do I find some meaning in this meaningless life I now have?

The last week or so has been tough. So many triggers, so many tears... so much pain and anguish. When I met Tammy, I found that one person who truly was my soul mate. She completely changed my life for the better. I mean, I was sort of alone before Tammy came into my life. My mom had died the year before of cancer. My dad had passed away many years earlier of leukemia. My friends had moved on or had moved away and I wasn't all that close with my sisters. Tammy was simply my everything. It is no exaggeration. Now that she is gone and gone at such a young age and gone unexpectedly... my world is utter sadness. I can't stop thinking about how unfair life was to Tammy. I'm still feeling guilt about things I did or didn't do... but those things were just me being a human being. My future is now an unknown where before I was happy thinking it would be Mitch and Tammy forever. In the past I thought I had a certain amount of control over things; I now realize, ultimately, I have little to no control over anything. I'm depressed, I'm lonely, I feel little hope for happiness. Deep love = deep grief and this life is harder than anyone (outside of those who are also grieving) can imagine.

As time goes by I realize that the pain of losing Tammy may never ease. I think about things Tammy and I used to enjoy doing and I'm overwhelmed with grief. How could we NEVER EVER do those things again? I don't just cry, I scream in agony. It's unbearable, I almost hyperventilate and I feel like my head is going to explode. This world without my Tammy is complete and utter emptiness. I can deal with being alone. I don't like it, but I can deal with that. I waited my whole life to find that perfect person that would make my life better and happier... and now she is gone. All I ever wanted was Tammy in my life. It's hard not to dwell on death. After all, Tammy was 14 years younger than me. When she passed away in March I was 59. Now, I'm a 60 year old widower. 60 is a scary number at least for me. It's not easy to go on when nothing really gives you pleasure, when the future seems bleak and you are in a world of emotional pain. But... I am trying my best. I'm glad I have a job to go to, it helps. But, It's so hard to come home to the empty house. To not have that special person to share your life with. There's no one to tell silly or naughty jokes to. No one to kiss or hug or tickle. I'm living, but for now, it's a very lonely and sad life. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thankfully this had a happy ending... I still wear my wedding ring when I go out. It just makes me feel better. I'll always be married to Tammy. Well, today when I got home from work I was washing my hands and realized my ring wasn't on my finger. That was a horrible, gut wrenching feeling. How could my ring have fallen off? I called work and asked them to look for it and thankfully they found it. I'm so grateful they did. If it was actually lost, I don't think I'd handle that very well at all.

I had a very overwhelming and intensely sad moment last night. I was eating a snack in the kitchen and of course was thinking about my Tammy. Then it hit me that she had died. In a flash I found myself running full speed up the steps, then into our bedroom screaming her name and pretty much ran into a wall, sobbing like a baby. It was the utter disbelief that she really lost her life. It was like I was running to somehow go back in time and find her so we could be together again.

Amy, you are extremely lucky to have so many in your life who love you. No one can replace Daniel, but at least folks are there to comfort and support you. Sadly, I have no such luxury.

Thank you, Steve. What you wrote really touched me deeply! Thanks for that, Maryann!

Haven't been feeling all that well physically the past couple weeks. I've been quite short of breath and having heart palpitations. I know I probably should be checked out by a doctor but for now I haven't. This life without Tammy is brutally sad and lonely. I truly have no one that cares. I plan on going back to counseling in the next few weeks... maybe that will help but I have my doubts. I simply don't know how to function in this new life in a way that's meaningful. I feel no happiness. My only motivation to work is being financially broke. I know I'm depressed. Who wouldn't be after losing everything that meant something in life? This life without Tammy is empty and horrible. It doesn't "get better". I have nothing. Thanks for letting me vent.

Another interesting video from Eckhart Tolle... https://vimeo.com/11549409

It's four months to the day that I lost my Tammy and my world changed forever. The pain seems worse now because the initial shock is changing into an even harsher reality. I'm all alone and the love of my life has gone to heaven. In my life, all I ever wanted was Tammy. A beautiful, loving woman who made each day of my life a better one, a woman who loved me for me. She accepted all my flaws. This hurts so bad. I cry because I miss her so badly. I cry because of all the medical ordeals and pain she endured for a lot of her (way too short) life. I question how I can have a meaningful life without her. A happy one? It doesn't seem possible. Thinking about the future brings more tears. I find myself screaming out "I can't live without you" and "Tammy please come back" or "God, why did you have to take her away?". It's so hard knowing that the future we had planned and wanted together won't happen. My life was supposed to be about Mitch and Tammy. The couple that loved each other all the way to the moon and back times infinity. Tammy was and always will be my perfect angel. I ache for her, heart and soul.

scba... what I've come to realize in the four months since my beloved wife Tammy passed away is that unless someone has experienced the loss of a spouse or soulmate, they truly cannot comprehend the enormity of the loss. And, as Marty says we live in a society that simply doesn't talk about death or grief in a meaningful way. I mean, watch TV and you'll see beloved spouses dying left and right and generally the surviving one is hooking up with a new love after a few episodes. That's not reality. If you're madly, deeply in love with someone, they are your world. Losing them means losing a part of yourself. Unlike any other loss, losing a spouse/soulmate affect EVERY part of your existence. And don't get me started on the cliches... "you'll find someone else"... "they're in a better place"... "time heals all". When people say such things, it's simply because they don't know what to say. I know what you mean about it being hard to deal with other's good news. Honestly, how else could you feel? You've just lost the love of your life. All you can really do is take it one day (really one step) at a time. This grief journey we're on is life changing. This forum is a very good place to get help along the way.

RainFire, I've been a member here for about four months. It is an amazing resource for all of us in grief. Marty is a wonderful group leader, there is a great moderator staff and a great group of members. Having said that, I want to speak to the donation issue you brought up. I hope I'm not speaking out of turn here but I think I'm very qualified to make sense of this. I've run an online car related message board community for nearly 13 years. Forums like this are not run by big corporations. The donations go towards helping Marty with the rising costs of running a wonderful community like this. At my forum, as well as at this board, donations are voluntary. This is a free site to join and post and read. Clearly, just as at my site, not every member is in a financial position to donate. Marty fully understands that. So RainFire, please don't feel guilty in any way that you aren't able to donate money at this time. Continue to post, and in a way, that's a form of donating and contributing. A forum is only as active and good as it's postings. On a personal note, I haven't been able to donate yet either, due to poor finances. And I've certainly never felt pressured to do so.

I think from day one of my relationship with Tammy, her family has always looked at me with a negative eye. Not because I'm a bad guy, I'm certainly not. Just the fact that Tammy moved to Maryland with 3 year old Katie to be with me. Instead of looking at it in the sense that Tammy found a man who loved her and she loved, they looked at it as me taking them away from their clan. And that is a very warped and selfish point of view. The situation was that Tammy had lost her job out there due to illness. She was having trouble paying bills. She went to her family for help but there was none to be found. If you ask me, they sort of forced her hand in a way. So when we started chatting and realized that we were falling in love it was Tammy's idea to consider moving out here to Maryland. Truth is, it was an upward move in many ways for Tammy. She lived in an area with few opportunities for employment. Health care was better in my area, schools were better. So if anything, her family should have looked at it in a more positive way. And it wasn't a move Tammy took lightly. Her whole family lived in Illinois, but she was in love with me and wanted this new life. She found a job quickly here in Maryland. Katie went to some good schools. They both went back to Illinois often to visit. And Tammy's health overall was not too bad in the first 7 years she was with me. As her health deteriorated it seemed like her family (mostly her mom) got colder and colder towards me. I never understood that. I was always at Tammy's side. I was devoted to her. I always did my best to both comfort her and care for her. I made her laugh. And I loved her with everything I had. And when Tammy was rushed to the hospital time and again, her mother was the first person I'd call. And I'd constantly give her updates. Yet, here it is four months after Tammy's passing and her mother hasn't picked up the phone to call me even once. None of her family even called me on my recent milestone birthday in May. I'm also dealing with another extreme hurt. As you may know, Tammy's wish according to her family was to have Illinois as her final resting place. That's hard. And then two weeks ago I got another hard emotional blow. Katie sent pictures of Tammy's headstone. Her family never consulted me in any way so I assumed it would be a typical one. Probably mention "Beloved wife, mother, daughter" etc on it. When I saw the stone I was surprised to see no mention of that on the front. Along with her married last name (my name) her maiden name was on the front. It also had words like courage on it and that was fine. It was when I saw the second photo, that I pretty much lost it... The photo showed the back of the stone. On it, in big, bold letters was her maiden last name. In addition Katie's first name was mentioned as her loving daughter. I was in shock. I've never heard of such a thing. Singling out her daughter only on the stone? People seeing that might think her life was only about her being a mother. It's as if they made an effort to erase the fact that she was a beloved wife. She was proud to be my wife. I have the feeling in heaven, Tammy's a bit perturbed at her family right now I think that's why (among other things) I've been quiet here at the forum... that just hurt so bad. But it also shows me that her family has no interest in having a real relationship with me. And it shows me how they overvalue their importance in life. It's not just about them. The bottom line is that I know what Tammy and I had. We were madly in love. We lived through a very challenging existence. Money was low and Tammy's health was poor but we had the one thing that kept us going... unconditional love for each other. And that made us richer than most.

First post in a couple weeks... The pain of losing Tammy is still overwhelming me and I find myself having bouts of crying more often. Still can't believe how unfair life was to Tammy in so many ways. Still can't believe she was taken away so suddenly and at such a young age. Why? That's the question I ask over and over. Tammy was my life and my joy. She really was all I had in this world. Tammy's family continues to act as if I don't exist. As if the love and caring I showed Tammy didn't mean anything to them. You know what though? I can't let that eat at me. That's their problem/issue. I know what I had with Tammy and that's what matters. I honestly think a lot of it is that her mom and sister haven't experience the kind of love and devotion Tammy and I had for each other. They just don't get it. Daughter Katie is simply wrapped up in her own world and doesn't communicate with me. I've tried but it doesn't go anywhere. Again, I can't let it get to me. It's been nearly 4 months and I still can't believe what happened. This isn't how our life was supposed to be.

I called my counselor today and have decided to take a break for a bit. My sessions were going fine but my new temporary work schedule was making it difficult to attend. I still think I need the counseling if just for the fact it gives me the opportunity to talk about Tammy. Other than this forum, it seems like people in my life don't want to hear what I have to say regarding how I'm coping/feeling. Or more precisely, don't know what to say. I sort of feel guilty for taking a break but I've felt run down the past few weeks. Getting up 4am for work hasn't been easy.

It seems like my sadness and pain has gotten worse in recent weeks. Everything seems to trigger tears and anguish. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. We had our whole life to look forward to. Mitch and Tammy. Tammy and Mitch. We were always better together. I waited my whole life for Tammy and she made my world so amazing. Now, I have a life of nothing but emptiness and longing. One day rolls into the other with zero joy. I'm trying to learn how to live in this new reality but, honestly, what do I have to look forward to?

I apologize if this has already been posted. I didn't have the patience to go through all 99 pages of this thread. Grief never ends... but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a weakness nor a lack of faith... It's the price of love.

Wonderful and enlightening post Maryann. Very uplifting. In the past I would have been skeptical of such things. However, so many "unusual" things have happened since Tammy passed that I know she's here with me. I believe she's trying to let me know that she's ok.

Tammy would have loved the shrimp scampi I made. I put in as much of my secret ingredient (TLC) as I could. She loved how much pride I took in making good food and I loved seeing her eyes light up when she ate my food. I served a plate for me and another for Tammy. I even put a glass of her beloved lemon ice water out in case she got thirsty! It wasn't easy sitting there though and not seeing her smiling face across the table. Not an easy day. Here's Tammy's plate of the scampi:

Thank you Marty and Maryann. Tammy was such a sweet, funny and loving person. She was one of those people you couldn't help but like. It's just so hard coming to grips with that fact that she was taken away so soon. And that she had to endure so much pain in her life. She will always be my angel and I know she will always be with me in some way. My love for her today is as intense as it always was and I will forever be in love with my beautiful TamTam.

Thanks to everybody for their kind thoughts, words and prayers. My beloved wife Tammy was born 46 years ago today in Urbana, Illinois. Tammy wasn't just my wife and soulmate, she truly was my whole world. I wrote her a little birthday note and put it on her pillow. I'm making one of her favorite shrimp dishes today for dinner. I miss her so much it hurts. The pain of Tammy not being here to celebrate brings me to my knees in overwhelming sorrow. No words could ever describe how much love I feel for Tammy. She is forever and always my special girl. - Mitch

Tomorrow is Tammy's birthday (she would be 46) and I know it will be a difficult day. When I met Tammy I found out that you didn't just have a birth "day" you celebrated with a birth "week"! She was so cute about everything she did. Such a sweetie pie. I bought some jumbo shrimp and I'll be making some of her favorite shrimp scampi with as much love as I always did. I know she's here with me. It's hard even writing about this without crying. She should still be here. We were supposed to be going to the ocean this summer and we were going to travel to Illinois to see her niece graduate. It all just hurts so bad.

That book is actually considered to be very outdated. The truth is there is no order that things will happen in. It's all an individual thing. You may not even experience all the so-called "stages" of grief. One of the books I've read that seemed to help me a bit is called "I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye" by Brook Noel & Pamela D. Blair PhD.

Suzanne, I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved Ric. I know today had to be a very difficult day to say the least. This grief journey we're all on isn't an easy one... it doesn't just go away. All we can really do is to try to put one foot in front of the other and cope the best we can. This June 10th would be my Tammy's 46th birthday and I think I'm going to celebrate by making a meal of some of her favorites and know she's there by my side with a smile on her face. Keep posting your thoughts. It will help and you'll find this is a very welcoming, understanding group. Mitch