Gwenivere

Politics and religion are part of each of us. Politics doesn’t impact grief, but religious beliefs do. I’m not a religious person, but I’m glad people can express their beliefs here as it pertains to them. Would never want that squelched. I’ve learned a lot about different beliefs and given me things to think about. All we have to do to is always remember it’s each persons comfort and valid to them.

I guess it depends on the RX, Karen. Some of mine last a year, others only 6 months and they want to actually see me. I have stuff going on I wish they could see like edema. It’s the controlled substances they have to justify for their DEA numbers. But, as I can’t walk well, I dread having to go in places now. glad your getting your teeth fixed. One of mine totally broke off, just....gone. Would take an implant to fix. Lots of money for that. I’m letting it go for now but if I have to get a bridge for my lower front teeth I’ll have to have it for an anchor. Yup, the breaks in the monotony aren’t what I like either. Miss the days it was fun stuff or at least not problems. Or if they were, had my Steve to help. This is assuming I have the surgery. I know I’ll never get better without it, but honestly? I’d rather just not exist anymore looking at the process and winding up right back here with no life. I know it keeps gettIng to me how dates keep being moved out. They say this may be worse than the Great Depression. I believe that is a big possibility. So many businesses are going to fail with no way back. The little ones that made places feel homey. Will even the big chains make it? Grocery stores will, but what about the neighborhood places? Youd think they’d come up with a better name for depressions. Great is not what comes to mind considering it lasted a decade. I don’t know how people did it, but I guess we are going to find out for this century. I know my mom lived thru it and she felt it truly changed her and why she always kept extensive back up on food. Just like her daughter now. It was how it was done in our house. Never, ever thought it would be needed. Just a quirk from my mother.

Hope this works.......

I spent today in frustration. I had to wait around for a tech in a 2-5pm window. Of course he showed up just after 5. Made for sitting on the couch all afternoon fielding phone calls about this supposed back surgery. They want all kinds of tests and assessments due to my age and health. The sitting makes my back worse. I did a quick trip to Petco for dog supplies. That is when.i really felt the inactivity of the day and time on a subject that gets me all twisted inside. A day I again wondered why I got up. Got dressed only to go back to comfort clothes a few hours later. Saw there was nowhere to really go to provide contact with others. Another day in this forced isolation. Tried reading the latest AARP magazine but it was all about long standing celebrity marriages. Was going to call someone from here but I got too depressed. Can’t find anything on TV worth staring at. I watch the late night shows being home with families. Makes me wonder how long people can take this. I agree, Kay. Will we be able to go back to life as we knew it? Will life even be the same after this for us that are alone? I was watching an episode of The Blacklist and Raymond asked someone if they thought about flying. I’m not sure how this relates to all of this, but it struck me. He said chosen was feeling free, exciting, gaining a power that felt so good. Forced created fear, anxiety and panic. Chosen was life, forced was death. Of course at the end of the show you saw the body of the guy he threw off his plane. I guess it just reinforced this prison we’re all in. No escaping even if we do go out. I know there are so many desperate to get back to their lives. Wish I was one. This is as good as it gets for me, virus or not. But then I have that fun option of surgery to make me really locked up with no driving and needing strangers to dress and bathe me for months and lots of painful PT. I also found out I wouldn’t b able to bend down to reach the floor. I’m afraid pick up sticks won’t worknfor dog bowls, packages I order and tiny pills. Yet, I am told to stay optimistic. This from people that can breathe and walk without assistance. Babble off. Time to kill more time to go to sleep and do this all over again another day. ❤️ To you All!

You make an excellent point. I’ve found a couple obscure things about people alone and keeping up phone, video and mail contact. But all the headlines and shows like Fallon and Kimmel are from home with thier families. The news always talks about creative ways to spend the time with your family. New things to try like recipes, games, backyard sports. Takes participants. How parents are going nuts having to be working and teachers at the same time. I’m very sure that is a major challenge, but on this side of the fence, it looks preferable than this deafening silence and not one single human being to be close to. And yes, silence can be deafening. Yes the dogs bark, the phone rings, the TV drones on. But that isn’t the sound of life created by someone being here to interact with or hear doing things. Even hearing Steve on the phone to his buddies was a voice. Sometimes I curse he was a musician. Hearing him practice or his buddies here making music. I miss my neighbors of over a decade. Seeing them doing stuff and thier dogs coming every day for treats to my door. Life. I miss life.

A video chat would be cool with everyone. Don’t know if screens could handle all the people. I stil haven't mastered a cane. It’s for lack of trying. Stubborn and will catch up to me. Arg, have the TV on for noise and so many commercials about contactless delivery or pick up. This is getting drilled into us over and over again. I stopped by a gals house to drop off some M&M's as she had massive plumbing problems and was stressed out. She was wearing a mask in her own home. The plumber was long gone. Guess she was worried that it could survive in air for hours but so weird to see. Tho they don’t protect you. Only others from you. I stopped by the church by me and got some food. Someone asked me if I feel bad about doing that. Nope, as I send them donations now to keep the program going every Sunday and I so need a night I don’t have to do anything but heat stuff up that isn’t fast food or freezer meal. Hot dog tonight and it smells great. Side of Doritos and I’m set. Came home and immediately started with a runny nose and congestion. Soooooo much dog hair. This place hasn’t been thoroughly vacuumed in months. My feeble attempt was a couple of weeks ago. Weather is shifting to not pleasant to sit outside to brush Ally. Wouldn’t help what’s in here already. I have to call the oxygen company to have someone attach the humidifier as this dry air is uncomfortable. I’ve tried several times and can’t get the cup screwed on. Plus I have to take off the oxygen to do it. I broke down and dusted my coffee and end tables last night. Couldn’t stand seeing drool drops from the kids reflected in the lights. There was a protest Sunday about the stay at home restrictions here. People are hitting a breaking point. I passed it weeks ago. This could get ugly, I would not be surprised. I’ve never felt so lonely and think about Steve all the time. Crave him. Anyone else finding getting up I the morning.harder as the days pass?

I’m really freaked out today. My leg giving out yesterday twice in public and feeling very unbalanced has me very worried. It was bad enough that pain made things tough, but feeling my balance off is pushing it. I want to grab a paper today as I read parts and use others for lining the bird cage and am freaking myself out with walks down the hall to tend to dog duties. My video chat was cancelled today as the gal is having plumbing emergencies. This leaves me stuck in my head and that is a very bad thing. My vision is blurred and I feel idizzy, probably from the anxiety over all this. I get tremors and clumsy. Gawd, I’m so beaten down with these daily physical fights. I just want to be going insane from grief, how others are being frustrated staying home so much and lonely. And yet I can’t cry alone. Another frustration.

I’ve got to stop checking Huffington Post when I get up. It’s such a habit I got into when Obama was running for president. every article now, it seems, is tied to this virus. I’d like to say there must be other things going on, and there are, they just don’t command the attention. The virus has also diminished stuff with people so locked away.

I’d love to do yoga but physically can’t. I know I frustrate many with good suggestions, but I’m not making it up to dodge things. I was out today after posting and my right leg went 'dead'. It was scary and has happened before. Afraid it would just give out. I was walking like I was drunk. Part of the back compression or neurological. Im glad you have that, Ana. Books are tough, I do the magazine route too. Going to try a novel tho. It would be great to have that back, good exercise for the brain. Hope we hear more from you. Have missed you. 💖

I’m so glad you checked in, Ana. I try to avoid news too. The whole world is adapting to this change and it’s pretty much the same everywhere. I hadn’t really thought of it, but I have been isolating as well since Steve died. I still did things at the nursing home, took the dogs to the park, shopped and kept med appointments. But I wasn’t really me anymore. Just the half tha was left. I couldn’t give my all and wanted to get home where I could be the broken me as it took so much energy. I started to notice just how tired I’d be for the rest of the day. I stopped playing with the dogs much, meals became chores little things seemed monumental. It snuck up on me as the first 2 years was the typical crying and screaming, yet I functioned. 5 years later, I’m out of steam. I now know this is forever with no goal that gives life meaning. It dismays me that this pandemic is training me to be a more perfect isolationist. Isolationists are far more susceptible to illness both physical and mental and I already know mentally I’m walking a very thin edge. I look back on the past few years and see no one really ever came over much. My phone calls turned into medical or crisis from catching up and regular chit chat. I’m sitting here now wondering what to do with another day and the many ahead. I read about the others locked in and all the plans they want to get back to and see if we were virus free tomorrow it wouldn’t change much of anythIng for me. I lost spontaneity when I lost Steve. People talk about 'color' coming back time passes. Not for me. Going into my 6th year I wonder how long I can play the 'widow' card. I know that is how many see it when they find out how long it’s been that haven’t experienced this. I bounce between it was like yesterday to it’s been so long I’m surprised I’m even trying anymore. Hearing how others have found some contentment fills me with envy. I’ve tried so many things. I want to be left alone yet I don’t. I abhor suggestions as they abound and I have thought of them myself. I know myself enough to know outcomes of forcing myself into things. I did a lot more social things when Steve and I were separated for 2 years. Big difference, he was alive and we would talk. I think outsiders look at this as some kind of divorce. I see many ex’s still in contact. And they move forward because the ending was what they wanted, not a choice. i don’t wear masks either unless forced to. Like in the ER. I feel suffocated and it adds to the stress. It’s not protecting me from others, I’m protecting them from me. I don’t mean to sound heartless. Of course I would hate to make someone sick. It adds to the isolation beyond the practical in my head. It’s bad enough we can’t touch each other. Now we can’t even see each other. Are they smiling or not? I’m still trying to adjust to many not even looking each other in the eye. Noticed I don’t do that much myself. My mind is flooded with the images of health care workers in protection garb, both first hand and on the news that I try and avoid. I try and catch the weather amid it all. Occasionally a brush fire will start and I’m giddy that it is something unrelated. I’m resisting masks so I confess with you, Ana. I had plans to go to the $ store today, but looking in my pantry it seems I have overdone that. Can’t volunteer. I hate watching TV during the day. It’s been 'suggested' I learn meditation. I’ve tried, but not enough and I wonder in this venue if I could with the added anxiety that comes with having the disorder as well. Drives are becoming less stress reducing seeing the emptiness out there. Rather a good reflection of how I feel inside. Can’t concentrate to read but I should try that beyond magazines. If you got this far in this post, I’m sorry it’s just another whine I normally would have posted in the venting topic I started for this. Ana made some good points so the fingers took over and I couldn’t quote her there. I know everyone here is struggling in many ways. Either you’re good at dealing with it or have someone to talk to. You’re it for me guys! I love you all for it too. ,

Not crazy at all, Dee. I want to be with Steve every day. Or if that is not what happens, I tire of being alone in this life. It didn’t take a pandemic to show me that, but it has sure driven it home.

Read Dr. Phil went on Fox. I love this guy but this got me really had me wondering about him now. Every time I have seen him he seems to have common sense and a good grasp of his field. Anyway, in this article he told Fox that the mental fallout from this isolation is already harming people and will continue to do so. I’m still with him on this. But he got his statistics wrong comparing death tolls to it compared to driving, swimming, etc. (Also, they aren’t contagious). He went to say this has become paradoxical and should never been implemented. That This will cause more deaths than the virus itself. That people be allowed to come and go as they please going by their own judgement. That is the case right now. No one can stop you from going anywhere that is open. (I did hear of one arrest of a woman who was positive and deliberately tying to infect people) It’s been proven that this self quarantine is working. Much as we hate it. I don’t have much of a life outside it anyway, but the way this has changed regular life around me and has had a huge impact. I know it has for everyone here. Just the knowledge we are in danger changes how we think. Point being, it’s making we wonder if a lot of 'trusted' figures are being affected themselves. Dr. Oz did much the same thing to having people up in arms for his license to be suspended. Oprah haters are blaming her for launching their TV careers. That’s just nuts. At least the CDC and cooler heads have prevailed in updates. All I know, for me, is that this IS proving to be more challenging than for many others by stirring up the intense grief, being alone as I face aging and serious physical problems and knowing things won’t get better going forward. Feeling more unproductive as time goes by drags me down, seeing all I used to do but can’t now is hard. I’m not opposed to hiring help, I just wish Steve was here as I don’t do strangers well anymore. A fallout of some sort with him gone. It wasn’t a problem before. My new world doesn’t include people as it did so now it’s uncomfortable. Only 2 select people and they haven’t been accessable with this home stay. This is a definite curse of grief. One without human contact will never be without a fight every day to keep going.

I read a story on Huffngton Post yesterday of a woman whose best friend died in an accident and having to handle grief in lockdown. Another thing that we took for granted of being with others when we so need it. There are many people out there losing loved ones including spouses. I so feel for these people. Yup, Kay, sanity isreally being stretched to the limits and it doesn’t help when they keep moving the dat further out.

I was watching the news about dental emergencies and it wa just that, emergencies only. So many of the dentists donated their supplies to front liners. Can you imagine how the hair dressers, manicure, opticians and so many places will be swamped? Are you in a lot of pain, Karen? That sure qualifies. I think you said you were. Can you call today? As much as I hate to hear how we don’t get much done, it’s reassuring to me I’m not the only one. And I didn’t even make a brownie cake! I did refill the snack jars with popcorn, rice cakes and raisins. Does that count? Today I hope to get a to go sub for a couple of nights and Safeway is having a $5 special on Chinese meals. It’s taking a chance going out, but I’m losng my sanity staying in too much. good luck on your teeth Karen!

But! We know you are there, Dee! I don’t even know how to gauge what I do and don’t get done anymore. The world is just too upside down to combine with grief.

No ones checking in. Where’d you all go?

Ya know, when I hear about separate accounts I always wonder why. Is it a trust or control issue? Even before Steve and legally tied the know we shared a bank account living together. How can a husband not share money sent to them both ethically? I don’t get it. I know India couple that do that and the reason being one spend money without thinking of other expenses. This forces her to as she has to anty up when bills come due. But they surely will split the stimulus check. i made the call to the cardiologist and they need a referral from my doc. I’m not a fan if appointments as it is but while I don’t feel like I’m going to pass out as much, I’m still scared of what is happening. Plus now that this is happening, I have to lug oxygen with me when I used to not have to. We had a 70 degree day here. Another close tomorrow and then back into the low 60’s next week with clouds and possible rain. They’re predicting a hot summer so I’ll need help setting up the portable AC come that time. Kicking myself for not having a window unit put in last year when I was not so compromised. Got thru a shower and rebandaged my scraped off skin from my fall, this time with some antibiotic cream. It’s so sore and bleeds taking off the huge bandaid. Just hoping it isn’t infected as getting care is impossible and I wish I would have remembered when I was in the ER so they could have cleaned it. Still going crazy in this isolation. I was surprised the drug store took back the cream I bought forgetting I had some and the pet store won’t take anything back as I grabbed some treats. Disappointed they quit carrying the vitamins I always bought. Gonna have to make a trek to the competition which is a long way away for close parking. The one by me is a parking garage and I hate those on general principle. You don’t get wet in winter and it’s shelter from the sun in summer, but the echo and concrete creep me out. Bad things happen in them in movies too. 😱

The stimulus money mess is just that. Even the bailouts for the airlines are going to pay employees, not to necessarily save the company. Now people are clamoring for refunds, which I don’t blame them, for cancelled flights. Airlines are making it hard when people really need that money back. Karen and Kay, sounds like a mess on the mortgage situations. We were fortunate having paid this place off a long time go when the stock market was doing great. I think we did because you couldn’t write it off your taxes anymore. I feel so bad for you as I have no one to leave anything to. I did some checking and they do not have to be paid back or aren’t an advance on 2020 income tax returns. One less worry for you all I hope. I noticed when I was driving yesterday that I have never seen so many people walking dogs. Makes sense to get out of the house safely. It just seems the drop of car traffic has been replaced with foot traffic now. And they have to dodge each other. Lots of joggers and cyclists too. The couples taking walks are what drags me down. The new tubing is working much better. I don’t feel like I’m going to pass out when I stand. I still feel I can’t breathe sufficiently tho. So I’m still scared. Have to let the doc know. Hope they don’t say make a cup of tea and breathe slowly again. I made the mistake of looking at headlines this morning. This lock down is not a bad dream. Just got calls from my insurance nurse and psych nurse, same old crap. They just don’t get that I’m so overwhelmed that thier suggestions are monumental when you feel so down you cat see up. The suggestions make sense if you have the energy. All I want is to take a shower and curl up and cry for a much needed pressure release. I’m supposed to call the cardiologist in hopes he wil see me in person. I guess if I can rule out my heart it will help. But no stimulants. As always I want Steve. Someone I can touch. Someone to hold onto. Someone to hold me without fear I am a physical threat.

Is your home owned or mortgaged, Karen? Seems I heard something about that. Also, direct deposit will come faster than those that filed thru the mail that didn’t file online. have no idea when/if I see a cardiologist. Have a phone visit with my PCP late this month and the pulmonologist in May sometime, by phone also. I talked with them yesterday and had noticed when I took a drive I felt better on the oxygen in my car. Don’t know why I thought of it, but tested the output of my oxygen and it was hardly anything. Forced a tech to come out replacing some tubing I can feel lots more flow. He checked the generator and it was working fine. He suspects it had a leak. Very possible as it is stepped on and snagged often. I sure hope that helps. Will find out overnight. I had slept without for many nights with little oxygen and tried to function all day on it. Maybe I wouldn’t have needed the ER if this was the problem. I could use something to go 'right'.

Good chuckle there, Kay. I pushed myself today and brushed Ally for about half an hour. I know getting rid of some fur helps, bu not sure it loosened more to 'weave' my carpeting. Just felt good to make an attempt and she tolerates that better than my picking at obvious clumps. Then, if courses, Mel had to have her time which was maybe a couple minutes. Had a very bad day with the breathing. As soon as I got up I started feeling very odd. Anytime I stood all day I felt like I was going to pass out. Called the pulmonologist and his nurse said it could be blood pressure drops, didn’t think it was a side effect of the antibiotics but said stop taking them anyway. That it was more likely hyperventilating from anxiety even if I wasn’t conscious of thinking of all the stress when I got up, but it started the cycle. All I know is I’m definitely more scared today than ever with this. I did go for a drive to drop stuff at the PO bos drive thru andhad to go to the drug store from that fall I took Sunday fir more big bandaids and antibiotic cream. I wrote the lung doc that I wouldn’t take an stimulants for a stress test. Whenever the cardiologist could see me they will have to come up with something else. Seems to me just walking would be sufficient as when I do my heart reacts under the stress of it. So, nontelling about that and unless I start actually passing out (oh yay, possible falls which no one wants) I just hope this eases up. I’m getting so unconditioned tho muscularly. So now we know, you can make chocolate cake from brownie mix. Our resident experimentor proved it. Good going Karen! Now I’m having a craving for icing. Used to buy the tubs of it when I moved out of home and could 'play' with my food. Used to drive my mom nuts buying a dozen chocolate or lemon chip cookies and only eat the chips and leave a pile of dough. Now it’s crackers and potato chips. Bad for salt, but I prefer that. I did find a Xmas chocolate caramel Santa last night and that was a treat. Hoping getting off these AB's will let me enjoy food again. Got a notice today and the government stimulus check had been deposited. Not nearly enough to cover my property taxes so I’m going to take advantage of Washington states extension to June from April to pay and enjoy a higher checking account for awhile. Maybe stimulate Amazon for something.

Karen, that is funny. I’ve lost count of the many things I do now I have done ritually for years and go into a mind blank. Some I know is the lack of oxygen, but I think it’s also anxiety and loneliness. Rituals I know will lead into another repiticious day. How many of those can a person take and not feel they are losing their mind? All I want to do is sleep. I keep trying to do tasks, push my way thru and am wiped out. Get so lightheaded it’s scary. I was supposed to have much needed housecleaning yesterday, but they didn’t have the correct protection. So more than a week in this dusty and dog fur covered house. I may break down and change the pillowcases and have them do the bed later. That’s over a week from now. I always forget how massively hard it is to walk in pain and needing oxygen. I went to the drug store for some wine and chocolate. Wearing a mask was suffocating me even more so. It’s so depressing to have all this time to fill and not be able to take advantage of it. Brush the dogs, shake out rugs and bed covers. Not have my body shift between freezing and burning up all day. Talking to doctors that want to induce stress with stimulants to check my heart even tho an ER doc said my artery scans were great. To voluntary have a panic attack seems no big deal to them. They obviously have never had one. No one can give me answers beyond my lung condition worsening meaning this may be it. The downward slide with no way back. Now, if that isn’t a reason for despair, I don’t know what is. Rambled again.......how was the brownie soup? Heck, it’s chocolate. Can’t be all bad. I’ve eaten melted and reformed shapes of it and the taste of that heaven is grand. But, I’ve never had the brownie experience. Do tell!

Wow! Thanks Kevin! A little eye candy was needed today as well as the laugh. Truly both great guys.

I loved Patrick Swayzee. I had seen so many interviews with him and you could tell what a nice and compassionate man he was. Never sought the spotlight, loyal to his marriage, never on the cover of rag magazines. Yes, he was extremely easy on the eyes. He had that final show, The Beast, with his cancer and it was so sad to see him wasting away. I’ll always remember the SNL skit with he and Chris Farley competing for a Chippebdale dancer and him saying no way he could win over Farley. Although billed as a chick flick, Ghost is one of my favorite movies. Dirty Dancing is another. He and his wife had 37 years of marriage. That’s commitment and not some if this crazy stuff I see with out front celebrities. I honestly don’t get the fascination with following the likes of Jennifer Aniston or Brad Pitt. I watch actors for their jobs, not thier personal lives. That would be like wanting to know all about my refuse or recycle collector. Can you tell I have time to kill writing this? Never heard of the black dog. But from the explanation I have a big one.

No,Nina does not have a clue to being utterly alone with all these complications. I missed a month with Ally when I was away for the 35 days January thru February. I do need her to make decisions if I cannot. I have reframed the 'friendship' as a casual one and placed many borders not to cross in conversations. It’s not ideal, but this way I do have some contact and I need any I can get. I’ve given up on tight relationships except for how I feel here. It’s interesting I feel closer to all of you than I do to someone I see physically. But then again not. I can be totally me here. I will make the decision when the time dictates and will call either her or Tom (Melody's godfather) to be with me. I am in the ER again. Got my fav doc and waiting for an X-ray result. Everyone is pretty sure it is inflammation of my lungs since the pneumonia, but want to verify. I also want to go over what antibiotics she feels I need as I trust her more than having been tossed around between 4 docs from my clinic. The frustrating thing about AB's is the wait of 24-48 hours and of course side effects. Might mean a couple days of staying in jammies to ease the getting dressed, but giving up drives. But then, drives don’t require fancy clothes and I’ve seen people out in thier stay at home clothes. I was able to straighten out my glasses without breaking them as they are my favorite. Even a slight change in distance from your eye changes getting used to the same prescription. I wish you could get another pair. I know there are the very inexpensive places as long as you have your exam and get thier frames, but probably not in your town. That light at the end of the tunnel is so dim. My doc was talking pulmonary and cardiac appointments he would like me to get into in person. The cardiac one was for a stress test and they use a drug to speed up your heart for measurements. That means a guaranteed panic attack. I’m so sick of myclinic,I’ve been passed around to so many docs with different opinions and solutions. I’m waiting for the release papers from the ER right now. I trust this doc and she said to try one of the AB's I was prescribed and call the pulmonologist tomorrow. She’s no nonsense, said this would be hard and 'I was not a well woman' with all these conditions. On top of this my PCP lied and had not called ahead to the ER. I just called the drug store where he said he was calling in another AB and didn’t. I’m going to have to switch to another there who isn’t great, but she does what she says. Going home for a good cry and feeling sick and try to get thru this.