Gwenivere

You two need a taste tester? 😁. I’m sooooo not into cooking I’d love to help.

Fortunately they didn’t send a double amount for a couple. I’m guessing from tax returns and people that lose someone this year will get them. Still think that would have tipped them off he hadn’t filed in years. Yah, keep getting things now and then for Steve. Closing our PO Box was so emotionally hard but really cut back on that as he used that for his stuff which generated a lot of catalogs. I have called places, Karen, that annoy me with their mail to him. It’s a good outlet for pent up frustration and you can be legitimately mad at them. Hopefully your returning with that horrible box checked you won’t get anything else as reminders. I’m so sorry, Andrew. I know when Steve’s arrived I was numb for the day. Didn’t know what to do with them. Kicked myself for opting to get them as we did that for our dogs but had talked about if we wanted to do that for each other. Don’t recall the answer so I figured I was supposed to as most do. Do you have plans for them (her)? I know it’s a bad day and I understand you just need to deal with this first. Ashes are such a personal thing. The worst being they force us to accept they are truly gone. Not that we needed.that, but we have the physical proof. I’m just making this worse so I’ll stop. Big hugs to you today. ❤️

I reread what I wrote and can't make sense of the first sentence. Went over and over it and don’t know what I was trying to say. Definitely scrambled brain. You said have something to fight for. That is what I am lacking. Why I have slowly been fading away. Do the hygiene stuff, but keep my hair up all the time. Haven’t touched my lipsticks. Change my jeans less frequently as well as shirts. Need to have the house cleaned, a tree taken down, carpets steamed, Ally brushed, find a possible way to sidestep the back surgery, get some kind of exercise, feel interest in the world again, can’t force it. I’ve tried. Some afternoons I just sit here in a stupor. Think of things to google in hopes I’ll find some solace. I come here so much as I have nowhere else and type out all my thoughts because there is no one to talk to that would understand. I reread my posts and say that person is melting down. She is. For brief moments I feel calm, but they pass so fast. I crawl into bed and say please let this last a long time. I’m sorry about your friends deteriorating. Always a sad thing to see. I saw it happen with so many residents Ive known over the years. It’s never easy. I get very attached as there are so many wonderful people there. I’d give anything to visit them and hear the stories. I knew all the players in the gossip too. I wonder how they are doing being confined to a room. At least I have a house, yard and car. I have my furry monster to brush when I get extremely bored as hair in my mouth is most annoying. I watch my kids sleep most of the day and envy them. They got this down. Internal alarms deem food time. I actually used the oven last night to cook some salmon and the house smelled great. Used all my tricks for minimal clean up. Bake on foil, nuke some corn and use kids to lick plate after their share of fish. Raw carrots for them, dark chocolate kisss for me. Next up a glass of wine and treats for them. Televist with my doc today. Don’t know why. Just talked to him last week. If he addressed the mental side as well it would help. Don’t expect counseling, but full care would be great as it’s a big part of us too. Many symptoms may be mental stress and not just a physically defined. I could use help from headaches besides take some Tylenol.

All the legal and filling out forms now change. Some places don’t have 'widowed' so have to mark single. That stings as I don’t feel that in my heart, just physically. I say 'we' a lot and it’s been 5 years. I hate that dreaded death certificate. I recently had to send my brother in law a copy for something. Hit me like a train too. Next of kin is a toughie for me, my only cousin is in NM so I put in my DPOA and one of Steve’s band buddies. Sometimes a woman I know depending as she doesn’t want certain responsibilities. It used to be so easy. His name!

I wish I could say I deserve your being proud of me. These are challenging times in so many ways and honestly, it’s only the next. dogs that keep me going and this instinctual thing to survive even when my brain says we’re done. I don’t count dragging myself out of bed, forcing myself to eat, and wanting to sleep all the time a sign of any progress. I have no plans, but if something happened that would be fine as long as it took me and not made it even worse. Yes, these trying times are a very strong contributing factor. It’s frustrating when you can’t make yourself care about anything as you once did. Losing volunteering also has taken a huge toll. It’s all about human contact and mine gone.

You’re right, Kay. A sensor, to me, is not ordinary maintenance. That is oil changes, tire rotations and stuff like 30,000 mile checks. I’ve never gone into a dealership service and said I need my sensor (or alternator water pump, etc) serviced. I’ve got about 33,000 miles on my 2010 Escape. Not even close to normal calculated driving. Dee, I also don’t do long drives anymore. Going to Lynwood would be a major jaunt. Used to a lot but the thrill is gone now that 'we' decide to get a new couch and all the big furniture stores are up there. Sometimes, when we did matinees, the best time was up there. I have a little larger radius than you, but not much. Don’t like going out of it. I put miles on for driving atound in it especially to escape daily from the house from this lovk down. I’m a terrible hermit. Got off a therapy televisit and went to Petsmart for dog food. ANYTHING to get out of here for even an hour. I’d do the walk thing, and I didn’t care for walks before. They sound good now.if I could do it in massive pain without oxygen. Kinda takes the fun out out of it. Ah, to be free to walk out of here without all kinds of prep. 😷

Really hard is an understatement. Maybe best to use those as what I see, hear, read and experience shows me life will never be the same after this. Economically the fallout will be astronomical to small businesses. How people work will be impacted. Everyone will have trauma of some sort from all it’s going to take to get thru this. That guidelines change not just from day to day but sometimes during one day is frustrating and no one can at least have a sense of a timeline. The experts are working overtime on this and finding more hurdles than expected. This virus is a combination of 2 usually separate kinds. Widespread but not life threatening and widespread lethal. Never seen before. The 1918 flu was lack of knowledge and resources not yet invented for sanitation. Ebola was quickly recognized by comparison and relatively quickly contained. Also mutations which this is doing. People are having to face crisis with strict guidelines for safety for help if they can find help. Abuse statistics are rising as are homeless people being ousted from encampments with no place to go. Those of us fortunate enough to have homes and food are still impacted mentally seeing all this helplessness it’s creating. For young people old enough to remember this as they age it will impact their lives forever. My mother never got out from under living thru the Great Depression. She was always in fear of running out of things. We weathered 9/11 but look how that changed the world. Sorry for the run on, but facing this alone is a fear inside that makes handling this the heaviest thing ever. Like the song goes....we all need somebody to lean on. We don’t have that.

If it didn’t require me so much money to get rid of our bed I would. It’s hard for me to maintain it being a king. The cost of another bed and linens would be monumental with my other unexpected bills like emergency vet visits. Thousands in property taxes, etc. I also don’t have the physical ability to shop like I did. I bought 2 new mattresses since. Steve died. I should have downsized then but didn’t see the coming back disability. I remember when we got the king and thought wow, we really made it! We had bought the house and it fit and gave us lots of sleeping space, him being over 6 ft. and me close to it. Had room for the dogs too. It would look odd in there without it, but maybe I could change it more often than waiting on the housekeeper. Especially now as it will be weeks! I miss sleeping with him, but the venue isn’t what’s important for me. It’s missing him so very much. Too much if that’s possible. This darned pandemic has me missing him to an extreme. Going back to phases I cannot be consoled wanting him back. This is the hugest challenge we’ve ever faced and I never thought I’d ever be alone, much less having this happen, I truly feel there just is no place for me in this world anymore. Without his love there is no life. I’m tired of existing and the work it takes when you don’t care.

I’d say you got them nailed, Kay, with your warranty. I’m really surprised they would charge you just for finding your tires were overinflated. My dealership has fixed air problems and replaced bulbs for nothing. I have an extended warranty too. They do get picky about some things. You would have had to grow up in the desert to get it. While I love the greenery here, I hate all the rain, moss, debris from trees creating messes I need landscapers for. Limbs down in wind storms. Losing power. Oh, and lack of sunshine. Never needed lights in the daytime. Snakes? Heh heh I never ran into any, but they are there. Definitely not looking forward to this heat wave for us. I got out a really light shirt for at night and a fan. Couldn’t tell by today. I don’t think it’s hit 60;yet. Wow, Dee. No keeping you down with that kind of mileage! You crazed woman about town! 🙂

I’m sorry Kay. I think it was just one of those days I read things from a really depressed perspective. I know you enough after all these years that you wouldn’t judge. Maybe it’s because I’ve been being judged lately on some things and I carried it over.n I do apologize. Words are hard to interpret sometimes without inflection. Or with different moods.

There’s something mystical about horses to me. They are so noble and beautiful. To watch them run is mesmerizing. They symbolize a freedom that I wish I could feel. Even 'broken in' horses have a majesty that is humbling. I remember seeing Clydesdales at Busch Gardens and felt so small by them. Truly magnificent. I miss seeing them as I did in NM. Not unusual way back when to pass riders on the street in certain places. Here in Seattle it’s snooty cyclists.

I’m sorry about your friend and the other you lost recently too. I remember my mom and the other older relatives losing people and each other. I had 4 aunts and uncles and it was so strange when they were all gone. Technically we die alone, but it sure would be nice to see someone I loved at the time. There is no one here for that. I guess some just take it in stride like the nursing home residents. They know there’s only one way out. I can’t imagine how that feels. At the rate I am breaking down, who knows where I’ll be. I hope I won’t be found in the shower or collapse in a public place tho that would at least get me noticed. No one checks on me regularly so that’s a worry. sour cream and cheese are a fav of mine, but sour cream and onion win. What was wrong with Cheetos?

Gads, Karen! I spent 2 years in Phoenix and lived at night. Even then it was too hot. I don’t like AC but it’s a must have there. Always struck me so odd on my treks back and forth to NM I’d go thru Flagstaff and there would be snow. 83 is hot for us so my whine still stands. 😎

I admire your fortitude, Marg. I am not to be trusted on some things I overdue it on. Potato chips are the worst! When Steve was here I could say 'help' and he would take the bag from me. Now that I’m on my own it’s downright dangerous with salt and me. I try and not buy stuff I know I’ll overindulge in but always say this time I’ll have more control. Never works! 😎

I’m so sorry it’s an anniversary and that one. So very hard. Steve surrounds me too daily. But the date when i half died too is the worst. All the things I wanted to do somehow involved him. I had my own things which are now gone because of this damned pandemic. Hear ya on getting one thing done an feeling it was at least something when I didn’t have enough hours in the day. And those things that sit because I can’t do them. I did the major cleanings too and now have adapted to less rigid levels of perfection. I’m too unmotivated to get carpet cleaners out which would be great and something I used to do, but finding it too much to handle. It comes from nothing bringing accomplishment anymore. Just something to cross off the 'should do' list. I was reading that people are actually spending more during this lock down from boredom or trying to fill the emptiness. I know I have by overbuying food. Their talking impulse buys that don’t pay off. Fallon had quarantine quotes from people and one woman said she can now tell the difference between USPS, UPS and Fed X by the sound of brakes and engines. I recognize the unmarked vans now to keep up with demand as my neighbors get deliveries almost daily. I can’t even think of anything useless to buy and I don’t want to give up my grocery shopping. More hours in this house? No thanks!

Kay, once again you summed up this hell in perfect words. I didn’t have much, but to have those ties cut pulled the rug out. The restrictions preclude finding anything to replace them with. As has been discussed, we are even more challenged if we are alone in this. Glad we have technology, but it’s sorely lacking for true connection. Even the video chats I’ve had have a chill about them. Guess cause I look at a screen that often freezes rather than the true human. My connection to mankind are strangers from afar now. That messes with my head big time. I know because watching shows where people are interacting like laying in bed talking, meeting for lunch, having a beer together depress me as I sit in my chair in a house no one has been in for months except repair people. Where’s the warmth? speaking if that, we are supposed to get close to 80 this weekend. I hate feeling hot so dread that as my house gets warmer than outside fast. Used to like summer when I could participate in it.

I think you both are focusing on what you can have. Saying what you can’t isn’t bad. It’s normal to miss things. Of course it’s your life, just as it is Marg's. I’m sure you didn’t mean to, but I read the above as kinda judgemental. Perhaps I am overstepping bounds as this was a response to Marg, but we’ve always said what we feel here. Safely. So my apologies if I stuck my nose in where it didn’t belong.

The system won’t let me react to your post, Dee. Yup, my neighborhood has so changed, I feel like the outsider. Literally no one I converse with anymore except the kids next door on rare occasions they aren’t zipping hither and yon. The landlord on the other side only because he was renting the house out. Those were the neighbors that had been there over a decade that really helped me after Steve died. Their moving was a huge loss socially. Birthdays are hard. I know the tears. I feel it on mine too because I don’t feel special to someone in that way. Almost a lifetime of that snatched away is so very painful. I still miss getting a card/call from my mother and it’s been decades. Another one of those bonds that run deep and can’t be replaced. I got the idea of the human community, but yes, Kay, it’s very different for us that live that way all the time, pandemic or not. I got up today to yet another nondescript day looking at endless hours to exist before I can go back to sleep. My feet feel more numb today so walking is kinda weird. That’s gonna be the big change today? Wow, that’s added fuel to the sadness. I’m silently uncaring when I hear from people I know about their gripes regarding how they have to find ways to coexist 24/7 with their mates. I know it’s a challenge but I also know how Steve and I would have handled it with minor irritation. I play the part and say yeah, that must be tough on you guys but that’s not the truth. They can’t see our side obviously. I know one couple that distance a lot at home to not burn out. They have the right idea. It doesn’t take a genius. I know that is why I reacted so strongly to that email I got from Steve’s buddy saying I wasn’t 'desperate' enough or I’d have gotten a roommate. Ignorance and hurtful judgment on that for sure. I’m grateful I have the dogs even if it’s hard with Ally and her changes from very old age. Being mostly deaf and messed up on pain killers breaks my heart. Hearing a friends dog has cancer tore me up. It’s all life, but others have someone to share the pain. A neighbor just stopped by I didn’t know. She is having yard work done and wanted to let me know as it is along my back fence. She wanted to know if I wanted a quote on removing my huge dead cherry tree. Something we needed to do years ago. It’s a project needing done and she saved me the research for someone to do it. Here’s the problem with this stuff. They aren’t adventures any more. They are pains in the ass. This is something Steve would oversee and hevliked doing that. I schedule, he dealt with the action. Ally? Tree? Surgery? All things I want Steve for. Yes, I can do them, I have no choice (the surgery thing is getting unlivable but I still can’t see doing it), and that is the worst reality. No choice. No one to discuss and share concerns or accomplishments. Yes, Kay. Always alone.

Sanity keeps being tested. So tired of the redundency of the days. Trying to find things I can do with minimal pain. So tired of being alone and hearing 'we'll all get thru this together'. I often wonder if I will be able to ever go out as normal again, even IF things are normal. When you’re by yourself it’s hard to think of things to do to break the monotony. I know some people that go with the flow. Wish that was a part of my personalityagain. I think of times in my past I took afternoon naps, but that was so long ago. I really want to be careful being so depressed not to possibly get trapped in things I might I might find too seductive escapes that don’t really help fight it. Yesterday was going and getting more pain meds for Ally as I watch her struggle with age. Seem to always have a tension headache. Went to the grocers to walk around and found more food I promised myself not to buy. I did put much back. I had gotten a message from a friend whose dog has been diagnosed with cancer. Tried getting info on my home alarm monitors for continued coverage that they want to do in email. The sales guy was giving me a hard sell talk and I told him he didn’t need it, just cover me. I keep promising tomorrow I’ll do better in my attitude. Then a few hours after I get up I hit the witching hour that I have to get out of here. The first thing I think of is covid every frigging day. Then surgery they say will stop my pain. Then it’s see if Ally is OK, get dressed and see there will be little to do and every thing I do find will hurt. Of course then there is Steve missing. I’m sick of dragging an oxygen tube around that gets snagged or the dogs rip off. Having to make sure the portable tanks are working in the car. Sitting here like right now at 2am dreading going to bed to have to repeat this. I do have a televisit with my therapist today but have so little to say that has changed since last week. Yet I hate when it ends. Jimmy Kimel put up an email address to write him because he is so desperate for human contact. And he’s at home with his family broadcasting a show every night! What does that say about us that are really alone?

Gads, you poor thing. No onions, cucumber, crisp raw fruit, and corn? I don’t do on the cob now without Steve here, but canned and frozen are so good too. And baked potatoes? I make meals of those with butter and shredded cheese. Can you have cheese? I don’t know what grits or purple hull beans are. That’s southern stuff. I don’t know what I’d do without apples. An apple a day and all that. Can you have chicken nuggets like MacDonalds? Those are decadent to me with the breading Nd all, but some tasty sauces. At least you get ice cream. I’m still reeling about no chocolate. I wasn’t a sweet eater til about 15 years ago and discovered dark chocolate as an adult. Cannot turn it down. I just found some new toffee peanut M&M's. Could live without the peanuts as I have PB every day, but like to try new things. So sorry, shouldn’t be talking this taboo food to you. I take it even your ice cream choices are limited. How about crackers, potato chips and other snacks with no nutritional value? You get to have those? Hot dogs? I sure and nosy, aren’t I? 😳

I don’t know if we wil get Cookie back, hope so! I poked her in mail here and she must have gotten a notice. If you do peek in, Cookie, drop a line once and awhile. We miss you! Rio is gorgeous. Forgot he is black. Still a baby with energy.

Finally saw the pictures of you and your wife, Andrew. Very touching and the love is so visible. I’m fond of your name as my once closest cousin (more like brother) to me had the same name. Lost him too.

No chocolate Marg? That’s criminal! really, tho, I just cannot imagine being so tightly limited on edibles. Som people might think it’s great you don’t have to adhere to the stuff we all don’t really like but eat to balance things out. But that’s just it. Balance. My body will even crave veggies when it’s running low on something one is abundant in. Do you take supplements for vital stuff? Like the B vitamins? So necessary for nerve conduction. I use vitamin D as there is little sun in Seattle in the winter and I’m not outside much in the summer. I’ve let much of my appearance go since last year. Spending so much time in the hospital I got used to very low maintenance on that. Never used to pin my hair up during the day, but I can now do that and not have to brush it. Don’t have a bike and couldn’t use it if I did. Lack of exercise is really doing me in. That and loneliness. I don’t even remember what it is to feel good. If I get a few hours sleep without pain, that’s as close as I get. I’m trying to get my head wrapped around that even when this quarantine is over, the world will still be changed from things learned to survive it. Job and how thy are done may change, how people interact will change. I wish I had something to look forward to like friends or family I’ll finally get to hug again. If we were freed tomorrow there would be no one to do that with for me. I’d be able to see docs and get medical tests easily again, that’s it and that’s really depressing. All of you waiting on seein your family are so fortunate. Those with close friends too.

Saw this on SNL and as she matures, I’ve grown to like Miley Cyrus. It brought tears to my eyes as the meaning of the song has turned from something I was familiar with and liked to a whole nuther level. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zUYo8xQf4PY

I don’t know if it will come to that, Karen. But I do wonder if life will ever be the same for us after this. I know that is my biggest worry as I was adapting to life as a widow and now this. Most all others just want to get back to familiar routines like work and missed established socializing. They want their lives back as they knew them. We do too, but we have the added wrinkle that a huge part is missing and that won’t change if this pandemic disappeared tomorrow. But I do see as much hostility starting as well as increased kindness. The hostility is very disrurbing. I feel it aimed at me at times just for existing and viewed as a threat. It’s very heartbreaking to feel. Hard because I am used to reaching out to people with kindness. I worry the protests will escalate and drag this out longer because some people have lost perspective. Yes, we are having to compromise our rights. But this is life an death for many and some are not seeing the big picture.