Gwenivere

We couldn’t have kids and accepted that. Never looked back. The docs offered al kinds of ways but we felt nature had spoken. It worked out well as we found other ways our life flowed that was easier without that. There is no guarantee that having them would be a source of help anyway. Know some people that their kids are removed or impatient and making things harder. They are dealing with a natural expected order sooner than we planned on and a whole different grief. The ones that have great support are so fortunate. I read it here so appreciated. My cousin is being almost bullied to make changes to make things easier for them. My heart goes out to her. It would be easier if they did nothing as they break her heart. When we did try we never had the expectation of future caregivers as that wasn’t fair. All we can do is look back and trust we made all made the right decisions. And that our expectations were realistic.

Not trying to be a pill pusher here, Metal, but Kay pointed out how important sleep is and I don’t know anyone here that didn’t benefit from some pharmaceutical help. It won’t erase the pain or change your path, but can ease the fatigue and help focus what energy you have to face the journey. As was once said to me, there are no awards for suffering. It’s not a crutch, it’s a tool. I don’t know if you are Christian. I know many have felt deserted in the beginning. I am not so I sometimes envy those that are to have a target for my anger or something to turn to for solace. I see the randomness of nature and know I am helpless to change that as far as big things. Only small choices like quitting smoking, cut down on fats, etc. those can affect big things, but Steve’s prostate cancer was not something that could be prevented. That creates anger as he would have done it. It does get to me that there are people that do horrible things, yet they live on and that’s a horrible thing to say. I don’t wish suffering on anyone. But in grief my eyesight has changed in regard to how I see others interact with the world. Or sharpened it as I was always aware of the pain people can inflict. If there is anything positive that has come of this is increased empathy and less stress about others often self created crisis. The guy that blows up at me in traffic because I don’t want to speed or dare to make a left turn in front of them with plenty of time. The woman who glares at me when I lean into the 6 foot marker just to put down something heavy on the checkout and then step back. I totally hear you on her ring. I once thought I had lost the 30th anniversary ring Steve gave me and was going bonkers. Fortunately it fell off at the nursing home I volunteer at and the receptionist kept it til I could come right back over and get it. It wasn’t a 'it can wait til tomorrow' thing. It has fallen off at home too and requires immediate finding. It’s a very expensive monetary thing, but that means nothing to me. It is the symbolism that is priceless. The poem he wrote with it and the presentation for all we had been thru to get where we were. To me, more important than my wedding ring as that was the easy one. The start, the hopes, dreams, head over heels new love. This one is the reality which while not as polished as the dreams, led to many good and bad times we weathered and still were in love. In a way we never knew existed. A way many never will. Only people that find that 'soulmate' would ever understand. I’ve seen many marriages and don’t judge them. But I can see when there isn’t that unbreakable bond. Those that would move on more easily. Like I said, I don’t judge. Just 'happy' I knew more of love tho the cost is incredibly high for losing it in return. I have yet to figure out what to do with this love I still carry for him. I feel empty not having it replenished in return. I seem to not run out of words, but I hope you see the reaction marks on your posts. Those help me see that something I said touched someone else even if they don’t have a reply. That always feels good. As always, my love to you all. ❤️

Good for you, Kay! Yeah, weight distribution is so much different now. I weigh the same as I did since my 20's but you won’t catch me in shorts or a bikini. We’re you taking oral meds for the diabetes? Will this help eliminate some or all of you were? 50 pounds is fantastic! Quite the achievement and I know you will maintain it. I’m finding that heavy starches and sugar just aren’t appealing much any more. They sit too heavy now that I’m so much less active and I’m sure my stomach has changed with age. The hardest has been having to cut back on my amount of wine. It’s disrupting my sleep too much as well as depression. I so enjoyed my 2 glasses before bed. Had just one last night easily. Just miss a longer time of feeling relaxed after the long days. I’m also finding the pain med for my back is now causing side effects like headaches and feeling clammy. I really depended on a couple hours of some relief so will have to decide on that now. it all used to be so simple. Wake up happy, live the day, go to sleep, repeat. It was a great system.

I don’t even have to go to sleep for that feeling, Kieron. But I understand when we are in that awakening state we are more vulnerable to those sensations. Being in this most abnormal quarantine I have been feeling a real loss of purpose. Being cut off from the few things that kept me loosely tied to the world are shut down. I have always assumed that if Steve were here, this isolation would be easier. I think it would, but was reading about couples that are feeling stress with each other as the weeks pass. I’d like to at least try it with him. If only. One thing I do know is it’s getting harder to find things to do to take my mind off the loneliness and loss of purpose. I’m getting better about buying some things just because they are on sale. I miss him being here to kid me about my acting like sales will never come around again. I really do check stock in some things now before going Shopping. I’m embarrassed to reveal how many jars of peanut butter or loaves of bread I have. Yup, it’s that bad! Being left behind? I feel that every moment of the day. I don’t think i will ever lose that feeling. I’m still where we were holding down the fort. I often wonder where or if his path continues.

It’s so hard taking sides when things like the Amazon strike happens. I really can’t. I know they are the go to place for many things now and it annoys me how long the delivery times are even with extra drivers. Yet, I understand if workers don’t feel safe, they have the right to demand that or get out of harms way. We never know the inside story fully either. Is it as safe as it can be or did a few overly paranoid employees ramp up others? I never take headlines at face value. I think about details like why, if anyone, Amazon (or any large company now shipping more) would jeopardize anything/one to keep business going? But then, we hear about unsafe working conditions at many places. I have way too much time on my hands it seems. was reading (very quickly as it was too sad) how pig farms are having to destroy perfectly good animals because of packing plants closing or cutting back. The interesting part was the farmers were having a more emotional reaction to it as they never had to deal with that part. It’s a sense of denial, but I get it. Sorry for sharing this, but Steve isn’t here.

Lots of trouble sleeping! I would either go into too deep a sleep or sensitive to every noise AND non noise he used to make. Waking and seeing he was not there. Thoughts of things I wanted to talk about. Often it was sobbing so much I’d wear myself out and drop off. When you’ve slept with someone for years, decades, it’s a hard transition. Every time I change the bed I am aware half was not used. I tried clearing away his Cpap and ashtray but it made it more barren. I’m used to it now, but every morning he enters my mind almost immediately. Some get insomnia and often a doctor will prescribe something to help for a short time. I was on the other end still am, I don’t want to wake up because in that sleep I might see him healthy and we are doing something. At the very least, I’m not engulfed in death. I don’t know what Problems you have.. Maybe if you could elaborate, people of the same reaction could share their experiences.

Whole new meaning to an old classic by Jimmy Fallon and Sting. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GbZtFKgqXIs

I cannot even fathom how much harder this is for you during this pandemic. Also how quickly your wife was taken and at such a young age. I can only echo Dee as this place/family is totally understanding of all the emotions that overwhelm your heart. That you are finding no one understands is the hardest. That you were robbbed of more time to be together thru her cancer is so very sad. I’m sorry you can’t even reach out to your grandfather. What you can do is write anything you are feeling and know you will be heard here. Some are new to this, others have years of the horrific void this creates that wil never be filled. Outsiders will tell you it will get better, and it does lessen a bit, but they don’t know the anguish we live with losing the most important person in the world. And being the most important person to someone being ripped away. I had to tune out just-about everyone when my journey began. Here you will find others that speak the new language of your broken heart as second nature. Please feel free to write anything as we are here and alone too. Even those with families don’t know this pain connection. Theirs is a different kind like friend, sibling, parent. All valid but so very differentMy deepest empathy for your so fresh pain.

Our governor in Washington just extended the stay at home til June. 2 protests happened immediately. He has a 4 tier phase system. Next week we get to try phase 2. Still means stay at home, but can go to parks except using the kids area and added a few businesses that could open like car washes. Never understood why those were shut, the drive thrus. Some counties are going further with experiments on openings so all eyes are in them. I picked up some drive thru Mexican fast food today and they passes the bag to me on a tray. I had it mute the TV after the weather because of covid overload. Here's the link again about how this is mentally affecting people if you missed it.......

I’m so sorry to read of your loss. I can’t even comprehend it not being a mother. There is one other member in this forum that lost a child as well as her husband. I have the deepest respect that she marches on every day. You might want to try posting in the loss of a child forum as you’d find more parents that really understand such an unbelievable loss. How against nature it is. I wish I could offer you more than what Dee did. Every loss has such deep roots and the grief is a very heavy reality we now have to carry forever. As with all loss, you are among people that truly understand that.

Besides my carpet burn which has a good reason, I’ve noticed my skin and nails are acting weird. Much more hangnails, cracked nails, skin more sensitive. Lots of stuff. Patches on my body that come and go. Definite worsening of existing stuff like edema and blood flow. I had a televisit with my doc today and he said the lack of activity is affecting so many people. Even if we feel like we are getting enough it isn’t close to what it was when we were out and about. I walked in to get my RX's today just for movement. I also think we are more tense than we realize. I’ve been picking at those hangnails making them worse or scratching patches thus irritating them. Lots of times it’s unconscious til I see some blood! Trying to be more aware and leave things alone or tend to them with proper tools like cuticle scissors and nail files. Rub my itches instead of using fingernails. I know I don’t relax when I sleep. Or bodies are really being put thru the mill by our emotions.

I don’t like the phrase social distancing. I prefer physical distancing. The last thing we need is more social disconnection. You are so very right, Kieron. Video is OK, but it does keep a wall between people for the subtle non verbal cues. I have a phone chat with my doc in a bit and wonder what good it will do for much of what I want to address as he can’t see me and if he could, he can’t examine my body. All this disconnected doctor stuff is making me wonder if I can handle face to face anymore. It seems alien and anxiety inducing. I have my disorder to help with that. I need to have things consistent or anxiety replaces it. All I know is this pandemic is going to change so many things and escalating depression for me dramatically. Others seem to be handling it better. Then that leads to more depression. Having my back issues and watching my elder dog struggle are hard for the at home time. I don’t know anyone else in the real world who is alone so no one to connect there except contacts from here. Thank gawd for here. I get so many suggestions from people not alone it drives me crazy. They just don’t get it wih having their partners to face this with. I had one person tell me I wasn’t desperate enough or I would get a roommate. Really? A stranger wandering in and out or here 24/7 with their own routine? That was for my youth, not after over 30 years of marriage and common interaction from knowing each other so well. Snail mail is fun too. Today it was info to get started on prepping for Medicare. How uplifting.

I was the on site technician for my last stint for Honeywell for a 50 story building. I programmed the phone equipment, installed and maintained it. I was a phone tech for several companies and loved the work. That was back when you actually fixed things. It wasn’t a disposable world. Unfortunately I got the panic disorder and had to quit, but they sold out my office shortly afterward anyway. I was tired of just plugging in new stuff and losing the feeling of accomplishment beyond programming in new extension numbers and switching out malfunctioning phones or circuit boards. I had been offered a job at Mountain Bell as I was the only female in the biz at the time before the Bell system tumbled but declined because I would have had to go to pole climbing school even tho I would have been an indoor tech. No way I was climbing poles. I did some dirty jobs pulling cable when I started, but heights was not my thing. Putting up paging speakers freaked me out in manufacturers wear houses. I once had to walk the heating vents over one pulling large cables as I weighed the least. Got some nice perks when I moved up the ladder like tech schools all over the country for products we sold. Free trips and food! Got accredited certification. Those skills made great gifts to my family and friends as I could make their phones do things and install fancy ringers which back then were unique. Beat the heck out of the waitressing jobs I did in college. Never finished as this opportunity came along. Glad I grabbed it. I would have kept the chocolates. 😎

I’m glad you’ve found some help here. Just wanted to point out that anger often hangs around as long as the loss which is forever. As you travel you path, you’ll be amazed the things that will jump out of nowhere or triggers you nor suspected. Obvious things are just that, obvious. A favorite song, restaurant, movie, etc. A 7/11 closed by me and I was often annoyed he would want to stop for some little thing. Seeing it boarded up brought me to tears the first time and every time I pass it I miss those days. It sounds like you have a good sense that it will be around saying 'less' encumbered. Life with them was good and bad. Life without is as well. Tho less good stuff, a lot less good stuff.

My deep abrasion from the carpet fall might be getting infected. Like you, Kay, I want someone to look at it. Can’t go into the regular docs for something like that here and all the urgent cares are closed. If ever we need urgent care clinics,it’s now. But I can see it would hard to keep people safe there. my vet has always charged twice the rate of pet stores. I’ve only gotten complimentary ones if my kid was in for surgery or overnight. I don’t think they should charge more, but they don’t care what I think. I found my color palette! Yippee! It’s come to this. Something trivial in this crazy time.

Found out thru massively confusing emails sent hither and yon between docs and me this test ordered is the heart stress test. I complained months ago about not being able to breathe well. That was shortly after the pneumonia. I called the cardiac place and sure enough it’s the one with an injection of a stimulant, then another to calm the heart down, they test both. I told them nope. Not gonna happen and will tell my doc when he calls today. WAY too much stress as it is without adding a test that would terrify me and I’d never be able to get to knowing that was what was going to happen. It’s too bad they can’t monitor me attempting to get there, it would be as effective as the med. 😱 lessee......now I have a lamp that has a touchy cord. Thought a bulb was out til I moved it and it came on. Think it’s happened before and I forgot. Then I tried to trim my bangs and seem to have lost my grasp of spatial.reversal in mirrors because I couldn’t do it like hair dressers do. I kept missing with the scissors. I finally just cut up across and called it good. Don’t know what I’m gonna do about how long it’s getting. If I had Steve, I could have him do it. Heck, if I had him, I’d be a normal insane person in this virus mess. I miss that me. I miss really laughing. Make that laughing in general. Was at the store for stuff and realized I bought some baked beans with the thought WE could have a different dinner with these and I could add some more protein. I was unpacking the bag when it hit me. I looked at and went.....why did I buy this much? It was totally unconscious old habit. Haven’t had that happen before. I was always aware of it when I saw something I’d pass on. Or think, that’s 2 meals for me. I found this link today......hope it still works......

Yah, we do. Actually got them both to the vet today and got their nails trimmed. You inspired me, Dee, getting Maddie’s done. What chaos it was getting them in the SUV. Melody had to practically be dragged out of the house as she hates the car, and Ally was iffy getting her in with being weak in the legs now. None of the pet stores would do it because they have to be on a table inside the store so that left Ally out as she’s too shakey. The vet did and it was more than twice the cost. But after months, I suppose it evened out. Ally’s mood was drastically changed. She got a car ride and I shut the front gate so she is out there for the first time in forever. I’m in my chair with a very sore back on top of my sore back. Nice to hear her barking out there tho. Poking her nose out the window driving around. All Mel did was leap out and scurry back inside. Wish I had her love for being home 24/7, would make this quarantine easier. Anyway, I knew. Ally was depressed and this proved it. Tides will not be a daily thing, but I may start giving her the front yard again. Part of that tho is the getting home and surveying her kingdom. I think she’ll take it tho so at least one thing back in her old routine.

I can’t think of the last time I saw someone in a dress! It has to have been almost a decade since I wore one. No plans of ever doing so again. Life is jeans and sweats. Sweats can be somewhat fashionable if you find the right kind. I never buy the ones with electric at the ankles. Mine are all loose fitting lounge wear. Heavy for winter, lighter for spring and fall. Summer is just long shirts. I don’t know how I’ll do these compression socks come then. That will be way too hot and not sure they do me much good anyway. I haven’t been a sandals gal in years now. I hear ya on ironing. Haven’t used that device in forever. Most I will do with some shirts (no button down either, have to be pullovers) is hang them on a door and smooth them out if I don’t dry them. I have no idea what is 'in'. One thing about Seattle is anything goes. Really love the laid back life here. I remember when I worked downtown for Honeywell and had to wear nice jeans an a professional shirt. Had to have a suit and pumps for muckity muck meetings with big wigs. Didn’t mind then, I was young, but now? No way!

As always, it amazes me, Kay, how you deal with the added isolation of such a rural town. I can’t fathom driving that far for anything I needed. A couple miles to my pet store sometimes makes me say screw it. You must be taking Kodie's collar off. I do that at night with my kids. I hope you don’t go metal, they must have some tough chew proof ones. Metal seems so......for aggressive animals. no TP. In your area yet? Purell, flour and store brand peanut butter has replaced that here as paper products are back. Do you have any Slarge chain grocers there? I’m guessing not as you’ve talked about the long treks for supplies. Yup, meat is going to change as in what’s available and higher prices. I don’t have any restrictions, but I don’t buy stuff I have to cook. Only fish as that’s easy in the oven. I got a letter from the IRS about the stimulus check, which I already got, and now see what a small amount it is for those struggling as I watch my bills come in and added expenses because things have to become emergencies for help. I wish I could donate some of the food I don’t make anymore. I hate seeing it go to waste as I switch over to microwave stuff from things requiring a pot or pan. I was shocked when I heard this quarantine could be so long. More and more articles are coming out about our mental health from this. The doc that committed suicide is now speculated to have had her thinking altered by the virus. Just got my Psychology Today mag and it’s cover is about being fac to face with people and how essential contact is. That words are more important to what we express facially when we interact. I notice a big difference in my counseling sessions as one I can see them, one I can’t. Even going out and not seeing people’s mouths if they wear masks. Hard to tell if they are smiling or not. Trying to figure out escapes for the day. Might as well get gas while it ps so cheap. Maybe stock up on some peanut butter and raisins. I just called the store and they aren’t accepting food donations for health reasons so will have to find a place that does like a food bank. Hope there are some by me. At least it would be a project this worn out body could handle, I think.

I have a stubborn twist pole on my wooden blinds that superglue and duct tape just won’t fix. Both lasted just a few days. I need to get somine who can stand on a chair to try a better job than this old lady can do. That includes standing on a chair. 🙂 Another essential in my kit is spot carpet cleaner. Dogs with mud, drops of red wine, yard debris’s and occasionally Melody decides a fresh dog turd is needed for ambience. Just realized that could mean she goes in the house! Nope, she brings them in from outside. Need doggie mouthwash!

You asked aren’t we alllowed any good anymore, Kay. I’d quote it but man that would take a lot of editing! Anyway, that is a daily question for me too. You have some good in Kodie. I have that with Melody. Ally is becoming a bigger concern every day. She’s changing is so many ways because of her age and having gotten pneumonia. Other damage besides her back, but not anything I feel can truly be treated at her age and my inability to transport her (bring on the guilt there). It breaks my heart each day something she does or doesn’t do from the dog she was. The thing she does most often is lay looking out at the back yard. Like she is waiting. It used to be the 3 of us in here at night but she goes into the bathroom now. Isolating is not a good sign. Enough of that, I’ve got to watch it happen another day. She so rarely comes up to me to say hi. I cried myself to sleep last night for how much I miss her overly affection tactics. Kodie eating anything that hits the floor is SO puppy! I used to have to be careful about that too. Fortunately when all my kids got older they distinguished between pills, coffee beans wouldn’t appeal or anything else not smelling of food. I remember calling the vet once because one ate a Tylenol. Didn’t recall if it was bad for dogs or cats. Now I know it’s cats. Now that they are older, if it hits the floor, finders keepers. This virus catastrophe is the flies on the turd to me. So many things going wrong as it is and now this anxiety on top of it and usually I absorb it from others. I get the protocols. I hate them being shoved in my face time and time again. Like Ipswich said, it makes you feel like a leper. Or when Dee was told to keep a pen as no one wanted to touch something we had. I’m always using sanitizer when I am out and often can’t remember....did I touch something after I used it? My keys as I get them out to get back in the car. Now I should carry a bottle of Purell? It’s impossibly mad times out there. I watch people at home for weeks like the late night shows. I see an advantage they have. Their family. People they can touch and be near. Yes, I’m sure they get irritated at times, but can take a break and still have contact. Even my neighbors who are roommates have company. I’m in this house watching a dog struggle, can hardly walk and have had no contact with another human being except phone or occasional video with one therapist. Can’t even do tasks that hav been waiting as I get worse physically. Same old whine, I know. I was talking to my grief counselor today and she heard the virus may come back later this year in regular flu season. Just as savagely as it is now. It makes sense to me after trying all the denial tricks I know that because over the summer, somewhere people be infected and as we start reopening the cities it will have ways to to travel again. With no vaccine we really are at the (non) mercy of this bug. I did a small grocery sanity run and took a good.look around at what things may be like (if not worse) for a very long time. I paid my neighbors to mow my lawn and that looks so much better. When handing her a 20, we stretched to reach each other. She said they were doing rather well in the lock down, but said it was because there were several of them and they have pizza nights, movie nights or plan a dinner to keep up the social contact. I smiled and said that’s great, as it is. The smile was for show. Another long lonely night ahead. A psych nurse calls tomorrow to see how I am and my doc on Friday and I am so frustrated with my swollen feet and he won’t be able to see them again. He has before and nothing he’s had me try worksm nor the urgent clinics in the ER. That gets to me more. When or who can do something? So frustrating having something wrong and absolutely no help. I’ve been asking for over 6 months. As the new parting phrase of the day goes......stay safe. Miss 'see ya later'. Can’t recognize people in masks anyway. ☹️

You took the easy way out on the questions. That’s a given! Saw you peeked in, brat, but ya didn’t say your thought! OMG, no way I can leave dirty dishes around. Can’t have the dogs water bowls get too empty. Always straightening out pillows and furniture covers from the dogs lounging. Can’t even blame on the pandemic. I used to grit my teeth walking thru Steve’s room. No discomfort in massive clutter for him. Tho he said it was organized clutter. I guess it was. My first thought, after crying myself to sleep last night was how much longer can I keep living this loneliness and is Ally OK? She stumbled more last night so I’m getting very worried. Mostly what I would do if she couldn’t get up. Then I moved my legs and switched to what if 'I' can’t walk well? I was pretty wobbly trying to brush my hair bent over last night. I sure miss the days waking up felt good. So much to do and freedom physically to do it. Was reading an article that many don’t wear jeans/pants anymore. Sweats are the thing. Same with shoes I have to get dressed and then switch in the early evening. I’m sure it’s a good feeling for those that had very professional type jobs for apparel. Many are wondering if their clothes will fit after all this down time. Too easy to gain weight. I’ve picked up a few pounds and I wasn’t that active before but apparently more than now. It was a bad start spending over a month in a hospital bed. My thighs are getting flabby. Hate it! OK, if no one has any thoughts to share how about do you get dressed or changed to pure comfort clothes?

I do the routine thing too, Kay. Most times I wonder why but I know if I slack off it I would get more down. It’s bad enough I keep my hair pinned up all day and night. I’m kinda OCD so if I change the routine I get anxious. Ok......for the heck of it.....what was your first thought when you woke up today? Is it new or consistent?

I hear ya, Karen. The only thing that works is disinfectant after every use. The grocery stores here now have employees wiping carts as they are brought in. Even the people wearing gloves don’t realize that they are infecting thier gloves when they touch those keypads. Touch your face and bam! Jimmy Kimmel had a good skit of a scavenger hunt and the winner got a small bottle of Purell worth $800. 😁 it’s replaced TP for demand. We haven’t seen the end of craziness still coming.

First, I’m sorry you are here because of the admission cost. Im sorry to read your marriage was not as equal as you would have wanted. Over half a century is a very long time together so I am assuming there was something that kept you both together. Anger is something I think every one has felt here. For each person it’s often for different reasons. I feel it because I often resent that he was spared the pain I now endure being alone. That no one will be there for me like I was for him. It’s not rational as he had no control of his cancer and certainly didn’t want this to happen. That doesn’t prevent me from cursing at him over the years when I really need him. People that have never experienced this don’t understand the anger. Tears are acceptable and I have had so many and more will come. So, yes, anger is common. Everything you feel is valid because your path is unique. Don’t let anyone tell you how to experience your grief, including the anger. I know you are asking because you were unhappy about incidents that happened long before he died. Someone may feel that in a way that can relate. You also tagged this with fear and loneliness, perhaps you could say more about how that is affecting you? Marty has written many articles, she may have something she can point you to.