Gwenivere

I couldn’t agree more. I know how I view the world and what truly matters has drastically changed. Hearing the stuff a lot of people bitch about just rolls off me. I have forgotten that former life. I kinda miss some of it. How nice it would be merely annoyed someone parked too close to me. Or miss my favorite candy bar is out of stock. Now I fake it for friends. Part of being a friend is taking an interest, just wish I felt more genuine about it. It’s hard the other way around too. I try to talk about stuff they take interest in as they’ve burned out on my grief. I understand why. They don’t live it daily. I don’t know how all of you feel, but when I am out around people I know I don’t fit anymore. I look like the norm, but I’m just a shell walking around. I’ve seen homeless people with more passion for life than I have. That leads to that destructive guilt but more feeling philanthropic. Since my needs are so small and theirs so large, it’s something I can do. of course it is Steve I miss the most. One tangible is my 30th anniversary ring. Thought I lost it twice and went into full panic mode. That was a landmark to everything we had I can still have with me, unlike him. One of the best nights of my life when I got that with a poem he wrote. He even strung the ring in the card and gave me the empty box first. Long way of going about saying again, it’s an excellent quote.

I was hoping for a less stressful day but again it has been absolutely confusing med phone calls for hours. The only person I wanted to talk too I missed and haven’t been able to get anything but her voicemail. I’m going to do an escape run soon and hope the pain allows me to do a couple stops and a shower before settling into another lonely night. My headaches are getting worse daily from all this. One of the med calls was from a vascular surgeon and I don’t understand why as I haven’t had the test done to see if I need it. Wouldn’t be surprised if I did, but shouldn’t that come first? I can hardly eat these days my stomach is in such knots. The only good thing about the weekend is all these places are closed. Hoping Monday will be a break too. Just have to face the dentist Tuesday. I look at my calendar thru July and just want to burn it. Appointments and scratched out changes and notes. The only consistents are counseling and that isn’t helping all that much. All the docs are in their specialties so I’m just pieces to them. I tried calling a resident where I volunteer last night and got his voicemail. Forgot it was movie night tho I thought they were all confined to their rooms. I’m desperate to talk with regular people or someone in the med mess that can make sense of it. The call I missed was the nurse who could do that and I still can’t get her live. Off to another fun filled rest of the day. Marg, we would have gotten along great way back when! Hormones ruled and often morecfun than sense. Sense lasts when it kicks in. Being wild was just that. Truly in the moment.

Everyone told me I was strong also. It did create a lot of conflict. I didn’t know what was expected from me. I knew I was during his care giving, yet no one saw my break down moments. When that was going on and then ended I go so many pats on the back and accolades. They never made me feel good or strong. It was reflex for love of my man. I didn’t even like it when Steve expressed his appreciation as it was a reminder of the hell we lived in. No fun bringing home supplies he needed rather than treats that made him smile. I still stare out the windows every day feeling how empty life is and if he were only here for all the craziness going on and now my being in such need. Back into the driveway, walk in th door knowing what awaits. Nothing. I see why outsiders think I’d be used to this. I often feel I should too. But it doesn’t happen. Today I’ll be going out for our fast food tradition night. But I’ll be doing it during the day to reheat, not at dinner like before. Always wondering how he will screw it up. Had to teach him not to take existing fries, wait for fresh. Little things. Bringing home extra stuff cause he couldn’t resist. No one understands grief til it crushes your heart.

I forgot about them! So many great looking guys way back when. I honestly look at the hot celebrities now and rarely see any appeal. Swayze was classic to me as he was genuinely a shy, nice guy. Grew older with Costner. Only DD Lewis role I found him attractive in too. Tho he is awesome in all his films. Heard he never breaks character for all of filming. i gotta laugh about your hooker thing. I don’t remember when I leaned about them, only the differences between a slut, hooker/prostitute and escort. See them all the time on a major street close to me. Obvious as they are meant to be. Stilettos for a stroll? Don’t think so. I just cannot imagine such a life. I don’t know if I feel for them (I know they’ve become hardened women) or they annoy me. It’s not even my place to judge. I was pretty loose in my day, but I picked the partner. No cash either. 😎 i asked Steve about it once, being in the military for a short time. He said he never paid for it in his life. Being in a band after certainly gave him many choices. Too many! All this talk about authors. Most of mine are male now. A couple women like Patricia Cornwell as she is a doctor who writes murder mysteries. Otherwise it’s Sanford, Kelleman and Cobin mostly. Used to like Patterson but he churned them out so fast it became reflective in the books.

Everyone has their secret crushes, right? I remember the first time I saw Tom selleck in Magnum and went WOW! Wouldn’t kick that guy out of bed for eating crackers! Steve’s was Teri Garr. Got hooked on Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow in the pirate movies. We watched a few porn movies back in the day. Didn’t do anything for me but make laugh they were so bad. I remember going to the red light dustrict in San Francisco and I wanted to see a stripper. Always got left behind at tech schools as I guess it made the guys uncomfortable. So Steve and I are there and we pass lots of places. I finally drag him into one and he wants to leave. Must be a guy thing having a woman with them. I insisted on stopping in a sex toy store and he was so nervous as I’m loudly saying....look at this! Look at that! Even decades into our marriage while he was in car toys he’d have to come find me at the sex shop next door. I just got a kick out of looking at the crazy stuff. He’d be so anxious to leave. So here I am at 64 and still haven’t seen a stripper. Ah well, I was about their age way back, now I’d just get too depressed. Just like I wouldn’t dare look at a Playboy now. Ah, to be young. Love your pic Marg. Very attractive and awesome hair! I still feel my hormones, just no one to use them with. ☹️ I heard the song Cowboy Casanova the other day and immediately thought of Steve. How intense I got addicted to him and it never stopped. Even the couple times we split up, we couldn’t keep it up for long. I love the line that says 'his love is like a drug'. Guess that explains why I feel in withdrawl every single day.

Oh my gawd, Dee! You not only used that horrid term new normal but made it bold! *thud*. I so hate that label. 🤬 Seriously, tho, thanks Dee. I don’t know any other option but to get up and tolerate the day. Some days I don’t even do that. This is how crazed my mind gets...I saw the doc today who assesses if you can have surgery. She passed me. Now, had she not that would mean I had something too wrong to take the risk. So another problem. Yet, it would give me good reason not to have back surgery. Solves that dilemma. I’m just a rat in a maze with no exit. My counselor says I always make it too, but it is getting harder to pull off. You sound much more grounded than me. Just cause I go out daily doesn’t prove anything. I just can’t hack it staying in. So I’m in awe of people that are doing it and surviving. Tomorrow I have an actual 'need'for Melody. She usually carries a small pillow around when she’s all excited. She so destined hers it is just flat cloth now so she steals me slippers I need. I planned on getting a sub and ribs on special Friday so I can add that. I told her and told her that this was going to happen as I got tired of putting it back in. Thought the cloth would be enough. NOOooooo.....now she’s picky. A basket of toys and none will do. The brazen wench even stole a cracker off the coffee table and she knows that is forbidden. Never had to even think about leaving food out. She tried looking humble, but it didn’t work. Hows Maddie handling lockdown? Anyone else with pets going bananas?

I’m with you on the sex and language to tell a story. It’s mostly the women authors I like that use more sex and I skim over it. I want to get back to the mystery. Does sound like you got hooked but it was messing up your daily life. There’s a lot of that going around as people try and find ways to manage this quarantine. You would actually not read something if Billy didn’t want you to? I’m not judging, just surprised. All couple’s have things that annoy the other. The only thing I forbid Steve from doing was driving after a few drinks as he always overdid it. I don’t know how I would feel if he liked porn. Guess I’d ask him to not, but then I think if he did, that’s not the guy I knew. Now ya got my.brain scrambling about all this! 🤪

Dee, If you were a burden, would your son have done this for you? Just another way to reframe it sinc you didn’t ask him. Then it would look like a burden put upon him. Sounds like he loves and wants to spend the with his mother. At 64 I’d love to do the same thing. I don't know or have a clue what the world will be like for anyone when/if this virus ends. I think that is what gets to me is they keep finding more about it to fight. Now it’s reallly not showing as much age distinction lines as it did, tho older people are the majority. One report I read said that is a little skewed tho because so many are in close living quarters like retirement apartments, assisted living and nursing homes. It’s not only the physical, I’m deeply concerned how this is affecting people mentally. From the extremely paranoid to those that are not taking it seriously. Add in the homeless that have no access to quarantineing and running water. So many ways the virus has to keep going. They don’t even know yet if you are immune once you’ve had it. It’s like something from a sci fi horror movie but we are really living it. as I do venture out every day I’m finding it very depressing and only to ease the loneliness this house has accumulated because of this. Can’t see my counselors, volunteer or meet up with the one friend I have. The few people that have been here for business purposes don’t come close and fill no inner void. So many physical things going on and either telemedicine appointments or going to new places I abhor doing, reminders of how much is wrong. I miss just 1 - 3 month check ins. No big problems, no extra layer of daily anxiety that everyone’s feeling. Even my routine which I have kept as suggested feels uncomfortable. I’m too aware of it now from this. I have constant little headaches I never had from stress. Trying to stay in the present is hard seeing things changing to more isolation among people. everyone becoming trained to rules against our social nature. It’s no wonder people are cracking over the smallest things. Perhaps a bit dramatic, but there are times I drop something and could cry. I’m so tired of being clumsy and the pain to pick things up. Tired of trying to think of things to do. Knowing inside life is f*cked from our loss and not knowing what it will be outside from this catastrophe. How does one find an anchor in this? I know some do in their kids or other family, but we that don’t have that are so adrift. And the ones that do,it isn’t the same as with their spouses. But I read the experiences and look at pictures posted and sigh thinking some close connection has got to help. It’s great you have kids and maybe grandkids to keep a flame in your heart going. If I sound bitter it is not at any of you. Your lives have unfolded as they were meant to or worked at. It is a bitterness at the hand I was dealt and there is nothing/one to blame. THAT is the frustration. I can’t point a finger at a person or event and if that had or hadn’t happened I’d be better beyond Steve dying. AND I can’t fix that. Can’t rewind or go back and change something to alter the outcome. I have always hated things being totally out of my control. No wiggle or bargaining room if not totally up to me. I don’t have the make up of accepting defeat gracefully either. What disturbs me the most is in the past I would be angry about it, so it was a spark that kept me feeling alive inside. Now I sink into despair with no fight anymore. Which means don’t fight for a future. I’ve already given up no matter if I still do the day to day things. I was beaten. I lost, plain and simple. Other battles I lost I had my anchor who helped bring me back to fighting status. To life status.

I’ve never understood how those work. Where's the water stored for access?

Karen, if you read the post from Monday it says mostly how the visit went. Basically it was good. At least they backed up everything I researched and said I was right about the risks of surgery itself plus it leading to more surgeries down the line. It could also do nothing or so little that I’d do the longgggg recovery to be no better off. The nerve deadening would be hit or miss but works very well if they can find the right one. Lots of trips possible for that and painful injections. I at least felt validated that my concerns are rational and thought out and not swallowing the surgeons glossing over the seriousness of it. I’ll have to see if I can find the Hallmark channel on Direct TV. I, akso, don’t like romance, but dramas I do. I only get disks from Netflix, you must have streaming, yes? I pretty much swear like a sailor from working a male industry in my heyday so if you and I talked you’d mute me. 🤐 Thanks for the wishes tomorrow (today). If she clears me for surgery that means some of my body is still OK. How are you holding up? how about everyone else?

I’m so sorry to hear about your grandfather. Your losses are so new and upending. It’s only been a little over a month for your wife and now him. I’m glad you got some human contact with Jenna's best friend. So much to try and process. I didn’t speak to many people, it was too overwhelming. Just a few trusted people as repeated retelling or pulling me into what was so intense tore me up. Yes, the days keep passing. They will continue to do so. I hope you find a way. It’s definitely a very hard endeavor. Feeling lost is so natural. You’ve lost your anchor. Do take care. Always remember everything you feel is normal, as much as horrible that is. You are also being hit by triggers, conscious or not, constantly.

I can’t decide on this virus. I mean that as it’s the biggest catastrophe we will probably ever see and nothing will be the same after this. Showing my age, this is the kind of change I’m not sure I’ll handle well. Or maybe it’s just too much with the endless grief factor. Others will be facing this with their mates and friends. I wake up and just see emptiness. I really prefer 'living' in that sleep world. It’s just too complicated out here now alone. I so want to feel connected again and after 2 months, knowing this isn’t going to end anytime soon, I feel invisible now. I have interactions with people and I feel a spark of life. As soon as it’s over, it’s gone. Exactly showing what is missing with Steve gone. The endless hours to fill that were not even a thought before. I want to care about something. Be excited. Be motivated. Be truly and justifiably angry. Not just the petty annoyances that feel so overblown now. The oxygen and housekeepers have come and gone. Have a Zoom counseling session soon. I don’t even know what to say anymore. Don’t know what I’ll do when that is over. I’ll have to get out for a bit. Wish there was something I wanted or needed. It was never a dilemma with Steve. Know I’ve said so many times and we all feel that way. Can’t go back. I want to scream about that but I only feel depressed. I’m angry I have to go to the dentist and it won’t be an easy fix. The thought of eating dinner has no thrill. It’s just fuel and creates chores of flossing and brushing. Those were once just a part of the evening. I now add aspercreme to that ritual. Don’t get to come back to the living room to meet Steve for a movie. Getting to dislike the at home editions of Fallon and Kimmel. Just a reminder of this crap. I don’t think I will ever get past hating being alone. More so, it intensifying. A friends dog died yesterday and I never got to see or touch her since her cancer was diagnosed. Now she is gone and it feels wrong. The world is full of people but you’d hardly know it anymore. My lawn was mowed by my neighbors today because one got bored. I’m sure they don’t mind a little extra cash for beer or a pizza. Just getting around to posting this. Settled back in for another night. Suppose to see the assessment doc tomorrow fir the back surgery. Guess I’ll go and gather info about my body. It’s early for me in the afternoon so I put off going to the Dollar Tree to have something to do after. I went to the grocers and as usual it was odd with all the people in masks and avoidance. Running out of stuff to watch at night. I thought most of the new seasons would have been filmed for the spring but I’m not getting anything. Can’t really jump into shows that are years in and know what all is going on. Even if I increase my Netflix level I’ll go thru that faster than anything new will come out. Never though I’d be so dependent on TV. We always had way more to choose from. I’m going thru magazines fast too. Can’t concentratrate on books. Email has more business stuff than personal. Truly a lonely time. Babble over. Have to try and clear out some email that is bugging me like a pet grief counselor who just can’t seem to get I keep telling her I’ll call her when I am not caught up in all this medical crap. She ends every email with wanting to talk the next day. Maybe this is a sign this isn’t a good idea. I just don’t know anymore. See ya'all tomorrow. Holiday weekend and can’t do usual things like a BBQ. My grill master is gone. I could tell the people at the store buying stuff for their families. 😓

Geez, my post just keeps being repeated when I try to delete the duplicate. HELP MARTY! Congrats Kay on your good news health wise. That is so important. I know my outlook would be much better if mine were good. I think we’ve all shifted in various places as I weigh the same as I always have, but clothes feel and look different. I’m a little down on the tax refund because even tho there are projects needed and can paid for, we definitely would have bought something fun like a new TV. Steve wanted to upgrade years ago. Doesn’t really appeal if I don’t get to watch him set it up, cuss about this or that and finally win. Best Buy people don’t motivate me plus it’s not a big deal without him. Pretty much nothing is. My neighbors mowed my lawn! There’s a positive. That got balanced out by a letter from the gas company about my leased water heater and how they want to do something to get out of doing that. Hopefully another company will take that I’ve as I don’t want to own it for service reasons. Had to set up my health insurance recurring payments as they changed systems. Rep thinks I did it right. as I have begged each day.......please......just one without complications. Still waiting.

I discovered brownies! A meal that was given to me had one in it. I’ve tasted them before, but never got into them. This had chocolate chips in it. Truly decadent. A week ago I had one with icing. I have chocolate always after dinner, usually individual pieces. But I did buy those white and pink circus iced animals cookies. I’m not a cookie person normally. I’m also addicted to raisins lately. Pretzels too. Funny how this isolation is creating new cravings. Safeway has $5 deals on Fridays. This week iis half rack of ribs. I’m there for that. I’ve been noticing lots of people when shopping are stocking up more snacks. The chip aisle is always bustling now, sale or not. Got 5 bags myself. I bought an individual bag of the new MM's with toffee and peanuts. Blah. Thru them out for the crows and rodents.....they even passed them up! Need the seagulls to come inland. They eat anything. Got a nice surprise that my IRS refund got deposited. Just in time to pay for home owner stuff. Need a tree down and the roof cleared off. Maybe a little left over for some dark chocolate. 😎

I’ve been hooked on Werthers caramel nips since quitting smoking. Had to get the original coffee nips last time. I forgot what coffee tasted like since I gave it up 30 years ago. Doesn’t appeal at all. But the caramel levels it out a bit and I hate throwing something away. I never heard of cauliflower rice. Pretty much a meat and potatoes person. Make that pasta! My gluten free acquaintance eats all kinds of things I never heard of. She’s the one still getting 10,000 steps in and cooking super healthy meals while I nuke the closest I can find. She doesn’t even have a bag of potato chips in her house. I’ve got about 4. Beans are OK. I usually get those in Mexican takeout thinking it’s healthier. Housekeepers coming back Wednesday now instead of today. Boss said they’d revacuum where they missed. I was expecting the whole house for the inconvenience. Told her both kitchen and bathroom floors had to be done. Need to call her back and find out about this 'not healthy' thing. Also checking with my oxygen company to find out they don’t have me on the calendar today for supplies. They are on mine and I wouldn’t have put it there if it wasn’t set up. Why is everything a fight? Man, I feel bad for taking it out on the rep, but she’s my only avenue and I did tell her it wasn’t personal. So everything I had organized for today is now tomorrow. My neighbors are the ones that mow. I left a message for the one that runs the house about doing my place. Since they live by text it may take her awhile to get it. Calls are soooooo outdated. Things are opening up here too. My dentist left a message about my chipped tooth about coming in. I’m not too worried about that, but the restaurant seatings I am. Hairdressers too, tho I’d love to get mine washed and cut. I know they tried this in a few states and don’t remember how it went. As there won’t be a vaccine for well into 2021, it’s going to have to be judgement calls for everyone. It’s something I weigh all the time as I don’t feel much, if any, reason to keep drawing out this Groundhog Day loneliness. I certainly wouldn’t want to infect anyone, but when it comes to me possibly getting it, do I really care? Since getting up today I feel there is no escaping the pain of waking life, watched Ally struggle to come up 6 stairs, sit here to type this knowing when I stand it’s misery. Only thing now is counseling at 4. It’s frustrating to have to add in the stuff that happened today as I had plenty to cover without it. Thought I would have a non medical week next week but got in at the dentist to have the chipped tooth attended to. Found another article on HuffPost. Thought it was the same one, but it’s slightly different. I know I love with daily headaches, digestive changes, blurred vision, all kinds of whacky stuff from the anxiety and stress we often don’t realize we are under big time from this outbreak. We see the obvious stuff. That’s tough enough. But there is so much more affecting us.

I asked the question 'what next?' Got my answer when I woke up. The housekeepers did a lackluster job were scheduled to come back out and do what they missed tomorrow. Just got a call from the owner saying the women who were out were 'not comfortable' because I had been sick. ??? I haven’t been sick since February. She wanted to knock some off the price and didn’t have it in her notes we agreed to have someone back out to redo the floors. I distinctly recall the conversation after they left Friday. Have it on my calendar. So now she’s trying to find a way to get someone here but it may not be tomorrow which so conveniently fit for me. Arg! I so often feel the one with the nonfunctional brain. Times like this make me so angry, granted my patience is stretched thin, as I get so frustrated when businesses don’t document a conversation and I have to constantly say 'I told you that when we spoke'. I keep notes too. I'm the customer. I know what my house looks like. Now her employees are afraid? The oxygen is not remotely related to covid. It was here last time and no problem. My neighbors that mowed my grass last time didn’t this time. The one that did said she would talk to the house 'master' to make sure they did every time and I would pay them. She didn’t relay the info as theirs is done and mine isn’t. I keep doing things to keep up aound here being so limited and it’s more stress. I’m reposting the link of how this pandemic is affecting people. I reread it as Huffington ran it again after another week passed and more people are losing it. I just want to get thru a doc appointment at the pain clinic over with and call it a day. I did sleep well last night, right up to the alarm and then it hit me, another day in paradise. Seeing a world in masks as we are being cut off from facial expressions like......smiles. If anyone is smiling. An acquaintance admonishes me for not wearing one all the time, but she has something to protect herself for.....a life. Her marriage, her purpose in the world. A reason to get up every day. She’s still getting her 10,000 steps in on her fit bit. I told her if I had one it would cry. It’s Monday, long week to go til the weekend and no being bothered by docs and housekeepers. Just plain boredom and uncomplicated loneliness. Oh yes, and pain. I took a quick shower last night for lack of anything to do. Might get to run the dishwasher tonight. Ya hoo! Had the appointment. Meds were a problem as I expected. They do think surgery should be the very last option as it is risky. I go again in 2 weeks if I want to try to deaden the nerve/s causing the most pain. It’s a bit complicated tho, go once for anesthetic to see if it’s the correct nerve. If so, then again and they blast it dead somehow and is supposed to last about 6 months. Then you do it again sans the finding it step. Have to think on it. They want me to consider gabapentin which makes people dizzy. Pass. One day down. A gazillion to go.

Is there something you can substitute for rice? Do beans spike blood sugar? They are very healthy too. Gave up coffee decades ago......darned anxiety attacks. Used to be that and Diet Coke all day.

Good luck to you, too, Kay. I’ll be glad when tomorrow is over too. One more doctor visit Thursday and a break for a couple of weeks. Much needed too. Wonder what will come up instead. Not really an optimist right now. back to trying to figure out how to open some foaming soap I’ve opened many times before. I’m probably overthinking it. I brushed the dogs when I got home and fighting back the pain. Seems to make everything a struggle. I was refilling the dogs water bowl and of course had to spill a significant amount on the table and floor. Such little things that make ya feel dumb!

Yes, I have a humidifier cup. Problem is the water trap doesn’t work very well so water gets in the line. I have it placed close to the machine so my fault there, but when I tried putting it where the cannula hooks up to the long tubing it was flopping around and snagging constantly. So it’s a trade off. The connection itself without it gets snagged enough. There is nothing more infuriating than having tubing pulled from your face many times a day. The dance you do with it. For a half hour I don’t wear it while I’m preparing for the morning and wandering around. It feels so free! I sure miss those days. I should try more times like that. I try and remember to take it off when eating. I’d love for my car not to have the passenger seat and floor full of tanks and backups. I need to take Steve’s van out for a run and now I have to transfer the equipment. At least one tank. Really a pain. Before I just needed a bottle of water and my nicotine lozenges. Back is the worst ever today from organizing a high shelf of food. Knew I was bending it backward but as usual it waited to wake me up early to complain. Found a 'comfortable' way to lay and was so exhausted when the alarm went off. I’d love to test that theory of sleeping without one and see how much sleep you need. I’m just afraid I’d still be in there well into the afternoon since it goes off at just before noon and I allow one snooze. Accidentally didn’t turn on my power nap one before dinner one night and woke up at 3:30am. Ate dinner and went back to bed. That was too freaky. Cool, cloudy day here. Supposed to chat with a gal via Zoom later and going out for a Sunday paper and by a church I donate to their meal program for a dinner. I reheat it later. They usually have fresh fruit which I don’t buy except apples as they hold up long. It’s more to be among some people too. Many are from the homeless camp nearby. I feel for them as they are often ignorant of the distancing need thus vulnerable. Others like me that more want the contact as we are alone. Then back here for the usual night of passing the hours. Wish TV interested me more. TNT is running Black Panther so I have that set to record as I hate commercials. I’m going to have to upgrade my DVR by years end and haven’t figured out how I will get the new fall seasons. Can’t transfer recordings. I’m wondering if this means I’ll have to stream. That will be a new experience I never wanted. I hate being forced into changes. I like options and being a dinosaur fits me fine. I run into so many probs not having a smart phone. People are stunned I can live with a basic flip one. What they don’t get is I have no one to text or talk to while I’m out. They have real lives. The internet would be handy, but I’d have to join a plan. i get to prepare for a pain management clinic appointment Monday. Not looking forward to that as the more I thought about it, the more I see it will be meds or saying I have to have the back surgery. More emphasis on feeling trapped. Just want normal backaches from being iny 60’s. Worries about my elder dog when something happens. Never seeing anything positive happening beyond littlecgems like the Arby’s guy not charging me for an order to brighten my day briefly. If only I knew people that could consistently provide those little boosts that make being alive more palatable. Marg? We need your annectodatal stories to balance out my salads of downer stuff! I’m wondering ho you all handle being alone, if you are, and not feeling the need to pour it out. I don’t know what I’d be doing in this 'new normal' (hate that term), but I know it was better than this. I miss talking to people and fear as them mostly bypassing everyone often without at least saying hello. Last I heard that wasn’t a risk. I miss wearing my hair down, but it not mattering to me anymore. I’ve even stopped wearing 2 rings I always did with my wedding and anniversary ones. No lipstick. It’s hard to love yourself when no one else truly does anymore in that special way.

I’ll be thinking of you todays. Virtual hugs, wish they could be real. 🌹

George, you so adeptly described how we can’t know everything and make mistakes. I know I made my share in my 5 years of caregiving. It’s a long time to have to adapt to changes as they come as well as knowing it will end too fast. Will be thinking of you today on Rose Ann's birthday. Virtual hugs, wish they were real. 🌹

I honestly don’t know what to tell you except that the doctors told you there would have been no saving her from the heart condition when it happened. As for how you acted (or didn't) is something you have to grapple with. I don’t know the intricacies of your relationship with your saying she looked for attention. If this was common and maybe anyone would feel someone was crying wolf. I don’t know if she was aware of her condition or not. I would think if she were, so would you and would have taken how she felt very seriously. I don’t know why you were in the hospital, but glad you are speaking with a counselor. All I do know is forgiveness comes from within now. She can’t do that for you and, depending if you believe in life after death, may not be feeling what we do on this plane. Your talks with people if many faiths could help you there. Her memory will have to be enough because that is all any of us have. I look at my relationship with Steve as a book we were writing and never got to finish. So it will gather dust as I try and find meaning without him. I never will find any as intense, but without any life is existence and very cold. This pandemic has afforded me way too much time to think about it. I feel half of me died when he did and this other half struggles every day to find reasons to keep going forward. My body literally feels too heavy to get up in the morning. My forgiveness issues lie with him leaving me. I hope you will start looking inward where you have power. You’ve been thru a year of firsts. First holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and a date now that carries a significant meaning. Mine is in October and one I hated to add to ones I’ll never forget. We all look back. Crave the time we were with them. You are not alone on that..

I Yup, just needed a place to unload. It goes with out saying that everything is accompanied by grief. Why it makes those tasks Nd projects seem harder than they already or are as hard. I can’t quite picture this grate problem. If it’s back on, wouldn’t it stay in place? This is in the ground, right? I do see the concern about driving over broken bolts. I don’t know how big it is, but I’ve seen driveways around here with boards on them covering something. Probably muddy places. I wish ibuprofen or Tylenol would dent my pain. I’m not even sure why I’m keeping this appointment Monday at the pain clinic as I know they will suggest meds and I’ve tried some and in general don’t want to add more pills to my day. There's the added tranquilizers I take that will complicate things too. Short of opiates, I don’t know what would be effective. Oh yeah, surgery. I just posted a link to Jimmy Fallon's new lockdown song in the covid thread. Called Ready To Crack. How I feel but for less comedic reasons. One line is wanting his old life back. Just like I hear from many others. I go wow,. At least you have one to go back to. Not much difference here except so many places of distraction that are closed or too hard to do much walking in. I’m at a total loss of what to do today. It’s drizzling and cold. I have a long list of tasks, but no motivation. I’m tired of having to force myself to do things every day or so desperate I do too many and wind up with nothing later. The usual anger that if my back worked there is so much I could do with a much better attitude. Or at least be frustrated, lonely or bored without having to dread standing up, much less walking. My tradition is to hit one grocer I usually do today, but I don need a thing. I’d just find things to buy to justify being there. One thing I am finding is I’m a lot less scared of the virus than I am at going crazy.

Heard this on Jimmy Fallon last night. His facial expressions say as much as the words. https://www.today.com/popculture/jimmy-fallon-starting-crack-song-captures-quarantine-blues-t180081

I know we all want to believe there was something we could have done to save them. Unfortunately, that creates guilt. Guilt is one of the most useless of emotions in this situation. I know there was nothing more I could have done for our situation. I had no control of cancer. Even the treatments I researched and convinced him to stop were so he could enjoy what time he had and maybe it cost a couple months,I don’t know. What I do know is I wanted him to have the best of the time he had left, which he did. Time with me, his buddies, our dogs and not sick from poisons. We have to have faith in ourselves and remember this was the most important person in our life and we did the best we could for them because of deep love. We have to let go of looking back at what if we would have made an ER trip, called the doctor sooner, whatever pops in our head. We were dealing with conditions that were going to win no matter what. Ask yourself would you ever endanger the person you love the most in the world? Of course not. We aren’t doctors, we weren’t our partners to know everything they felt. I know Steve didn’t tell me things sometimes to not worry me more. It's hard to accept we would be where we are no matter what. Those are the times I yell, scream and cry. But I don’t go back. I lived it once. Never want to again. I’ll sometimes pass where he died forgetting as it was once just a traffic shortcut. I guess I’ve made peace that when I see it, I don’t have to go in anymore and see the things I did anymore. This is such a complicated process. We’ll be dragged back forever just hopefully less and less. I want to go back to the good times even tho they hurt as much sometimes.