Gwenivere

Same here, Joyce. With the TV on more than ever for background, I have to mute it now and then. Commercials often use songs that remind me of times way back when. We really are fragile things right now.

My reaction to that statement has always been whoever said it never got more than they could handle.

Thank you, Kay, Mitch, Joyce and Brad. I spoke with my counselor and she said I should maybe mourn the bed. Not exactly sure how to do that. It's not like he will ever sleep in it again. Perhaps dredging up all the horrid memories of operations and convalescing. Hate to go there. On the other hand, his place will still be there. Still feel wierd.

Maryann, the special days are so hard without them. I know my birthday will never be anything spcial anymore. I only hope that memories of ones you had with him can sustain you. It's all we have, but at least we have that.

I agree, I really like the picture of Tammy. Such a beautiful smile!

Brad, I heard chewing gum works. Honestly, I read that somewhere. I've not tried it but I know how annoying it can be to have a song stuck in your head.

I moved our birdfeeder to right outside the dining window. Now I see it everyday eating lunch. There is so little that I find any pleasure in, so I consider it a good sign I tend to it now keeping it filled. Baby steps.

I almost hesitate posting about this because I'm so conflicted. I bought a new bed that has yet to be delivered, that happens Fruday. I found I am quite agitated about it. I'm replacing OUR bed. The old one is hard with my arthritis so it seemed logical with the need for sleep so important to try and remedy that. Buying it and making a heck of a deal with skills Steve taught me was kinda uplifting at the time. Now I want to cancel. Ive not made a purchase of this magnitude without him. So that feels odd. I know he would be saying, don't be silly. If that is what you want, do it. That is how it always was. My new car in 2010 was his idea. Tho that was overshadowed too as he wanted me to have something dependable when he was gone. Anyway, I am confused because most of the time in this old bed he had the cancer. But in removing that reminder I am removing those last years of being together as opposed to this waking alone. Yet I have been doing that for 15 months. Gawd, do these triggers ever end? It's just a bed. It will still be our room, our linens, his pillow. This frigging grief is like a magnifying glass.p on everything we do now. Refridgerators, beds, moving small personal belongings of theirs. It's no wonder that my anxiety is climbing. Sometimes those steps forward feel like a mile rather that a few inches and too much. I know I will do fine while it is changed out and then be left alone with it. I'm sure many can relate to how normally we can handle the physical task. Then we deal with another change alone. I thought about putting if off, but Steve would be pretty impressed at the deal I made. He would say....I taught you well, grasshopper. Plus, I don't know if this would ever get easier. Then I would be nagged by my brain I could have this done and over with. perhaps screaming I frustration would help? I really need a target to take out this craziness. If only I could shoot arrows as well as Katniss in the The Hunger Games.

My fridge is mine. There are things Steve gave me, but about the only I things I did ditch were outdated magnets of companies and a couple things from former friends that let me down. Lots of love type things are there, kinda tough to look at, but they have to stay. There is a mini chime on the freezer side that used to nail Steve for sneaking in there. That still gets to me.

That's always a tough one, Gin. We're finally getting some really nice days here and they don't do much for like they used to. Mostly I'm just glad I don't have to towel off the dogs. Last year I was still in shock and enjoyed the sunshine. This year is so much different. It may have come from going thru the winter and holidays with the realization this is permanent and forever changed, the big scare with a mini stroke and realizing I was alone and/or I'm just tired of everyday never seeing him. Probably all of it. Whoever said we are not given more than we can handle never got more than they could handle. The worst is so wanting to enjoy things around me but I can't. It's not a won't, it's definitely can't. I've tried and it only emphasizes how hard this is. Since when do we have to try and enjoy something so simple as sunshine or other little things that used to bring us joy? It really sucks. I feel happy for those that are seeing some 'light'. It hasn't been a year and a half yet, so I cut myself some slack. Just odd that I find better last year. But then......I was still under the protection of shock and finding I could manage our home alone,. Now I know I just plain old don't want to.

Makes perfect sense to me. I've been in places I cannot lose it and can feel,physically so off I can't wait to get out and see if it will pass or needs release. It is like your whole body is encompassed in the emotions. I know many things I feel are from bottled up grief. As for what a way to go.......yup, would be a heck of a way to make an exit.

Same thing happened with us. He had been thrashing and incoherent for days. I turned my back to look at the picture of us I had in his room and he said it. I could hardly believe it. Then he was gone again into the place he was. It was his final gift to me. I so wanted to hear that and did. I've heard of people doing that, becoming coherent just long enough to say something they really want to and go back into the dementia or whatever.

Thank you for your post, Kat. There is no doubt I am changing into a person I don't know yet. It's the only reasonable option considering there were the early times that I didn't want to go on without him, tho I still feel that way but know to do that would be very extreme. It just amazes me that my whole life, even since gaining consciousness as a child, I never had to work at it. Life was full of things I wanted to explore or experience. It's like watching a puppy and how the world is total magic to frolic in. Then you meld with that someone and things just keep flowing without effort. Like you I have adapted same mannerisms because I learned from him a better way just as he did from me. It's 2nd nature to me now. Every time I solve a problem, no matter how small I want to say....Steve, look! I try telling my dogs, but they are never impressed.

That is the thought that stirs that wanting to give up in me. The times I wanted to die. I don't recall consciously thinking I had a purpose, I was just living life as I always had. Without sharing that now, purpose has become this 'thing' I am supposed to be searching for. I never had to before, ever. Even before meeting him in my younger days. It seems when you find that connection with someone it is just there. Whether it was caring for them when ill or out shopping for the foods you ate together. So it's kind wierd now to be thinking....what is my purpose? Never had to define it before. Now it is a tough question that never crossed my mind. I also think it is society that adds to that pressure. I never gave a darn, and still don't, about what I did. This is like the grief demon poking at me to make worse. I really hate that guy! Won't leave me alone to work on issues I choose. It says....here, have another one.

I dread those calls. Remind me yet again he is gone. Depending on my mood I will say deceased or dead. Next thing I know they have hung up and are gone. Some have the politeness to say sorry and will remove him from thier list. I guess I could say this is his wife and what is this about like the old days, but that would mean having to talk to sales people....ugh.

Oh! Those are the worst as far as pain. So many things that meant nothing to anyone but us. When they pop into my mind I sometimes wish I could forget them because I know I will never hear them again for real. Even telling others about them Justus cuts me to the core. At the time they were just.....part of life. Gone now except for the voice in my head and I'm lonely enough!

Joyce, I also miss my sense of humor. It makes little appearances when I am with some people, but nothing like t was before because I was happy. Steve and I joked all the time. It was like a competition who could be the wittiest. Out due the other. Now my thoughts are so dark that even when I am conversing with someone I miss opportunities to poke at them often. That is so not me. But then, I haven't been me for a very long time now. I want me back but the hitch is I only know that me with him. So I don't know what I am really shooting for now.

One of the things I loved to hear too was being called Steves wife. He'd often say to friends on the phone 'his bride' is calling him to lunch or whatever. I will always be his wife. I will always consider myself married to him. Legally I have to be single or widowed. But even as I feel, there is no getting around that in the here and now, I am alone. Ana, you may not have the ring and pictures, but from my journey I can say, yes they are nice and things I can hold onto. But in my heart they weren't necessary. The pain would be as intense without them. To the world all I really have is his last name. It's so sad your hopes were dashed into the rocks and destroyed. They might have helped you or caused more pain, I don't know because I can't look at the pictures. The ring is just there and a part of me. It's what's inside that tears us up and I know that is not news to anyone. I really don't think about our wedding. I think of the times we had leading up to that and the life we lived after. That is what you were robbed of and that is such a tragedy. I totally understand your grief about not having those memories and my heart goes out to you.

As much as I hate the suffering we are all going thru, it's very validating to me knowing others find mornings so hard. No matter if I had a good or bad nights sleep, the first thought is always he is gone. That it will be another day without him in any way. While getting dressed today I thought I would give anything to hear him say good morning. I'd probably drop dead from a heart attack if he did, but it was such a deep desire. Usually I lament it. Today I wanted it so much.

And that task is monumental. I don't think I've ever faced a harder challenge. If there is one, I don't want to know!

Isn't that amazing? I go thru my day listening now to what upsets people. I know all of it is important to them, but so much that used to bother me doesn't now. I have bigger issues than someone frustrated by the traffic that exists every day, for example. Guess it would be nice to have my biggest worry about a mismarked item. Well, know it would. Want to tell them I would trade but that is just an inner fantasy. Then you hear them on the phone to their spouses about thier anguish not knowing how lucky they are they can!

Kay, does talking to yourself all the time count the same as laughs?

I have read so much about your anger and know it is more compelling than other emotions because it provides energy. But I really wonder if you are harming yourself more keeping it alive. Is it possible the work with your counsellor is not working because you are fighting it by hanging onto the anger which really won't gain you anything but (in my opinion) more grief?

Truer words were never spoken. As I get further into this with time passing, I am becoming an expert at quickly deciding who's thoughts are helpful and who's are not. If they are not....bye bye. Comfort zones have shifted dramatically for me. I do so little from what I used to and even then it is draining. I notice I am not as congenial as I was. Since my biggest activity is volunteering, it makes a difference. I am more quiet too. I think that is because I feel sometimes there are no more words. I've said them all about this pain. Then it will morph into another phase and more thoughts come with more words. The 'wallowing' is a perfect example as the definition is totally different now. Not a negative thing in relation to grief. Maryann, I am guessing it still is some shock for you. We are on the same time frame and I'm still amazed waking some days or coming home the slap in the face he is gone hits me as hard as ever. I know it because of how long he has been gone, but it can be as cutting as that first week. I don't understand it, but there isn't much I understand these days. The whole world is like some kind of parallel universe where things are shifted just enough to make it surreal. Not the place I used to live. When I get frustrated with my new self I have to remind myself how tragic and life shattering this is. It's not that I forget really, it just keeps blindsiding me relentlessly. I'll be doing something that has my mind distracted for a bit and then get swallowed in grief. It's my new roommate I never invited and won't leave or least back off. If it were tangible at least I could are a real therapeutic swing at it or shove it around a bit. I hate fighting things I cannot get to be brave enough to face me and let me have my say.

HH, I've read all of your posts and feel you are letting people have too much power over your grief. This is just my opinion. It doesn't take long to see people continue on. Our choice is whether to let that keep annoying us or to let it go and tend to our needs the best we can. Every now and then someone surprises me by taking a sincere interest. It's too easy to have expectations of others and they will usually fail. We are the ones altered by our loss. You can't replace her and neither can these people. It just saddens me you keep letting these people drain so much energy or distract you from your pain in a way that seems to increase it.