Gwenivere

That's a tough one. As I don't beleive in the devil, can only speculate. It implies there is an afterlife and trading some years here for a horrid eternity later. But as I feel like I am in hell already, don't want to think of it being ever lasting. I'm counting on my death bringing the ultimate freedom from this pain whatever comes after, if anything.

I wish I found more comfort at home too considering how much time I spend here. I love our home and how we made it ours. But I sure miss him in and out of rooms, playing with the dogs, playing his music, just in general being a life force here. I don't know how to live single. Not liking it as I did when I left home at 18. Plus, the place is too darned clean!

Joyce,. I haven't been to any of the social place Steve and I went to since September of 2014. Just can't do it. I tried getting take out twice from our favorite and drove home in tears both times. Maybe I could do it now as I do miss the food, but I don't want to take the chance? and am too well known by the staff so that means asking his I am doing and such. I haven't been out to eat sit down dining since he died. Had offers but no interest. It was rare we went out with others, but we were together. It's like every place else to me. I'd just be so aware he wasn't there. He was the boisterous one that kept everyone on thier toes. That's why the house feels so cold now to me. He was always making 'trouble' of some sort. I may have bitched about it back then, but it was the norm. The silence really gets to me. I know that why restaurants hold no appeal. Seeing all those people interacting as I once did.

I'll let Brad explain his hikes, but I know I try and get out as much as I can because being home is so hard alone now. I hate coming home and even have a physical reaction to it. My mood drops and often I get a headache. So when I can someday come home without those feelings, I'll know I am becoming more accepting. I want to feel this is a safe place again too. When I come home and feel that, I won't feel the need to create reasons to not be here.

I think it means we can get so lost in the emptiness that we neglect the life we still have left. It may empty always because they are gone, but to live in that and forget we still have those very special and personal memories we could miss being grateful for them. Its just so painful for us right now. So close. So we spend some time there, but hopefully we won't take up residence in the emptiness.

Patty, I feel just as you feel. I hear that clock ticking loudly all the time. I know it won't get all better, but I keep waiting for some relief!

It's amazing how different this hits us all. I am finding round 2 much harder. Almost paralyzing at times. The relief valves (crying, trying motivational thoughts, grief attacks, etc) aren't as effective. I had read for some it hits later even stronger and my luck ran that way. Round 1 was hell, I can't think of a word to describe things now. Somehow it became more real. Or maybe because I am experiencing a longer time away from him. The longest ever. Patience with this is very hard but I know there are no shortcuts.

I'm not liking spring either. It used to make me happy having warmth and bright sun after months of dark and rain here in Seattle. Truly one of the most beautiful places I have seen in summer. I kind of enjoyed it last year, but I was still being protected from the reality. At 18 months, the depression is the worst it has ever been. That scares me. Especially reading posts from people that are doing better after hitting the year mark and all the other anniversaries. This post probably won't help you guys that are behind me, sorry about that. But we are all different so just take this as my thing. I think about the projects I want to have done this summer and don't know how I'll do it. And all I have to do is call, tell someone what to do and pay them. Yet it seems monumental. All I want to do is sleep too. Escape. I know we bounce around on lots of other emotions, but this one seems stuck like glue. I got a movie in the mail I wanted to see months ago. But the wife died in it and now I can't handle that being a driving force of the plot. So back it goes unseen. Im thinking maybe I ought to legally change my name to include it. :-)

Let's just hope Marty doesn't notice all the crayon marks on the walls. When the cats away.......:-)

Mitch and George, I truly think there are gender differences that affect grief. I feel men are 'trained' to act strong no matter what. It was only later in life that Steve felt the freedom to express his emotions openly. The deepest were only with me, but he started opening up to his friends during the last year or so. His male friends were kind of taken aback at first, but he was able to give the talks he wanted with them, tears and all, to tell them how he felt about having them in his life. the few I still see have told me what an impact that made on them and how they are learning it is OK to be open emotionally. It was hard for him to feel helpless, but I would always tell him.....let me be the strong one for a little while.

Brad, I can't think of a good reason to go into the hospice. I have no plans of ever stepping foot into the faculty Steve was in ever again. The memories are enough, in fact, way too enough.

Actually it makes sense. Making changes creates triggers because we have changed something we always knew and was a part of the 'us'. The things we don't change are constant reminders of thier absence. It's like walking thru a mine field with every step.

I have often passes where Steve died. It's on a regular street that was one of my short cuts for avoiding traffic. For a long time I could pass it and be glad I never had to go there again. Now I notice I avoid it. It will change my mood for the day. You are braver than I. I know the triggers will find me and don't seek them out. As I am in a phase that feels like I am encompassed in it from waking to sleep, anything that stops it, even for a few moments, I relish. One thing I know is it will be back. Just had to take an online test for food handling where I volunteer and for 45 glorious minutes, I didn't think of the grief. I was pretty amazed I could even concentrate to do it, but maybe my mind wanted the break too.

Marty, we were pretty good kids while you were gone. So glad you are back tho!

I have 2 more shows on my DVR that are the series finale and our favorites. Been sitting there forever. Many nights I have nothing to watch, but haven't hit those. I watched the finale of Sons of Anarchy last year without him but I was pretty numb. I feel like when I lose these last 2 shows it will emphasize an era really lost. I've always had my shows, but these were important sharing times. Bailed on a movie from Netflix last night because it was too intense about love. I don't do romance movies so it was an easy decision. I hear ya, Brad on what is offered on cable and satellite. Never was a problem before when I didn't need sound in the background. I had no idea how many shows that are just air space are out there. I try to find a decent old movie and it's tough! How people get hooked on reality shows I will never understand!

Maryann, we'll never lose those memories unfortunately. As someone said, it's too bad that zapper of memory from Men in Black doesn't exist for those memories. I know what you mean about television shows and movies. That you could watch that and find something uplifting is great. I have a very hard time watching things dealing with realistic death now. I can do fantasy or action/adventure because it is removed. What gets me is I often put something on now it it will be about a love loss. Or a love blooming. I'm like....really? What are the odds? I also run into more stuff about prostate cancer. Can't it just be non specific cancer? We are so finely tuned to death now. I can't count how many times how's have triggered tears. Sometimes I even hate happy stuff because it reminds me of other times too. Is this why people shoot thier TVs?

I felt I had lived a magical life too. Even during bad times, I seemed some good force would help me. I expected that after I lost him, but it seems to disappeared. I hope that force was not solely him because that means I am screwed! Steve seemed to have lived a charmed life too. Like all the things that detour people never happened to him. I thought about that when he suffered, if there was some kind of pay back, but I don't or can't believe it works that way. So none of this makes sense to me. I got dropped into another world now filled with losses. Or now I am really aware of them outside the cocoon we had. And when things got in, we fought them together. Deaths we encountered we could console each other. Minor problems, again together on that. I've lost my wing man, my partner who always had my back. I don't like this flying solo so I feel grounded. Stuck in the gravity of grief.

Kat, that is the only thing I wish I could change, those last 2 weeks. Erased from my memory, gone for good. They add nothing to our life together. They went on so long watching the inevitable in helplessness as you said. Maybe I would be better about them if Steve had died in hospice, but his body didn't fail fast enough so they made me move him to a care facility that did not give that level of care because they couldn't. They couldn't do IV's to at least keep him zoned out for the days it took him to leave. Administering pain meds was not as effective. To watch that is something I can't believe I did. Hospice sent a nurse every day, but I will never understand why they didn't take him back the last couple of days when the nurse told me it was so near. This is what haunts me. Yes, hospice is great and so needed. It would have given me (and him) more peace at that time.

Time is such a hard thing for you right now, Sherbear. I don't know about time off as I didn't have to do that. Our society is an impatient one and wants thing ps to move fast. Could you maybe talk to someone in Human Resources for some help?

Kay, I am so sorry you are left with that memory. Steves death was not really peaceful, but it wasn't chaos either. Death can never leave anyone without memories we don't want.

I think anything that helps us is something we should hang on to. As for making sense, doesn't sense take on a whole different meaning now? I'm still trying to figure that out among the other gazillion things.

I like them all, but the last really hits home! It's so hard for the mind to accept impermanence. At least this addled little one.

I don't understand. Why in the world as his wife would you be removed from his room? That makes no sense.

Talk about crazy thinking. If he were here there would be nothing to understand because I am still here. The mind is really a crazy thing at times. But, I know I don't have to make logical sense here. Thank gawd for that!

We all know that people that have not experienced this do not get it. That is a given. I was thinking about Steve and if he exists in some state, neither does he. I have been trying to pin down why the loneliness is far worse than I expected as time passes. My go to guy for anything that I needed to talk to is not here to understand. It's a crazy thought because if he were, this would not be an issue, but I play it out in my head so I can try to find ways to cope. Everyone says they would spare thier partner this. But I really wish he knew how I felt. That was how we became the couple we were. I had to know all his fears about facing a foe that would take him away. Live with that knowledge every day. Our paths diverged as he reached an acceptance in the end. He wanted it to end. I wanted his pain to stop, but not lose him. I think I understand why he was drawn to death because it was too much to bear. I did not feel relief or 'happy' he was free. I walked into this twisted world because of that change. Some may feel this is selfish. I guess it is in the strict sense. But it is his very absence AND not being able to experience it with me that makes the loneliness so much harder. As I said, in reality this would not be an issue were he here. But he is not and I so want him to be. H never deserted me in time of need. This time he has. I don't feel anger. Just want consolation from the one person who could actually do it. Now I am getting what secondary losses are. Big time.