Gwenivere

There are many times, Kay, I feel you are a master for all the time you have lived with this. You are like the mother hen in a good way!

Thanks Maryann. You have what my counselor has been trying to drum into me...stay in the now. I've had 2 times with the holidays and birthdays. The first were so close to his death I don't even remember them. The 2nds were like a first. Anyway, I am failing that NOW thing too much. I try but given any moment not busy with a task, I'm in the funk. Too many now moments without him in it. Just one of those days today.

It's not selfish, Joyce. You are more realistic about the love and loss thing than maybe you realize. When Steve died I only had one of our dogs left. The other had died a few months before him and he had his wish fulfilled he would be there for her. I was so lonely for both of them as was my dog I got a puppy and she is now almost a year and a half. Sometimes I wonder, what was I thinking? I added another life that I grew to love and now have kinda screwed myself. I just couldn't bear the thought of being totally alone and losing my whole family. Now I have to stick around for the new one being so young. Not that I had plans about doing something dire. He/I lost dogs before, but always together. Sorry, it's just one of those sh*tty days I am encompassed in the pain. I don't even make sense to me.

I love my furry one too, Kay. What sucks is my dark mind knows I will lose them someday. I really want to master that being in the moment and stop future tripping. But this huge loss has me in its grip for how cruel it can be and now a reality that nothing is permanent. It took the most loved things I had and I know it will be back to take more. My ignorance about the reality of life has been rectified. I always wanted to know more about life, but this is a tough class. I'm not a good student in it.

Maryann, I am a month behind you and seem to be getting worse at this acceptance. I read your post and say....maybe in a month I will begin to feel better? It's those darned timeline and personality differences that make comparisons so useless. I know it is only a fantasy when I think of him being back. I know SO many things logically. They just don't meld with the emotions. I don't want to live my life like this. What gets me is that last year I did so much better. I don't know why it is hitting me so hard now. Perhaps because it is so real and I had so much to distract me with tasks before. Now that they are done, I have all this time to really think and feel and see this is forever. Having just had a major grief attack last night has me shaken today. It stopped my evening cold and all I could do was cry myself to sleep. I did give it some thought after reading your post and can interact better with people, but I can't shake the emptiness that has grown larger over the last few months. I get so frustrated about that. I'm happy you are doing better. I try to look at it as hope, but if I am to be honest, I am envious. Not fair to you or me but it is what it is.

I was watching a movie and grief just hit. No obvious trigger. I thought the evening was going about the best it could. I walked into the kitchen and the too often feeling hit me....this is all wrong. I saw our table and his chair that is always empty. Walking down the hall and seeing into our bedroom knowing I would be alone again to sleep and wake up. Tomorrow he won't be here at all at any time. It's all just so wrong. Punched in the gut again with reality. Just makes me want to scream this cannot be!

Since we have no kids except our furry ones, going together would have been ideal. Sure would have beat the heck out of watching one us suffer. We both knew it would be the kids that would be the thing left to keep the one left behind going. My fantasy would be one a drive and the last thing we heard or saw was each other laughing or in one if our philosophical discussions. Ya know, anyone outside this group would think we are such morbid people!

In the beginning I hated hearing the life continuing on in my neighborhood. Now I do somewhat enjoy it. It reminds me that I once was a part of that enjoyment. As the anger faded away towards losing that, more energy returned. That also helped. My closest neighbors are a couple just starting out. Still have thier parents visit and always something going on. They are so new to thier journey together. Sometimes I see them out the window when washing dishes and have to smile. I remember those days well.

Thanks, guys. Really relevant article. Ana, I'm supposed to be getting the book you recommended Thursday. Looking forward to that.

Could you tell me where to find it? I didn't have any luck on Google.

Mitch, I don't seem to have the post you made referencing that maybe we hold into sadness and pain maybe to punish ourselves and guilt because we don't deserve happiness. I know for me that is not the case. I can't think of anything to be punished for. I don't feel guilt either. I've always felt guilt and shame are useless emotions tho. I think it is that we lost so much of ourselves that the concept of happiness was lost too. True happiness anyway. I don't know if it will come back. When I find times (like you doing little things around the house that were on hold) I feel less pain, I long to hold onto them. Not just because Steve wouldn't want me to feel this way, but because living life includes the positive emotions. The fact they are out of reach right now makes it existence, not fully participating in being human. That's why I feel like an outsider now. I look the same, but I am not who I was at all. My basic personality is there somewhere, but accessing it in full is not possible beyond maybe my political stand, choice of food, favorite color, etc. The parts that laughed and knew joy are squelched. Interest in what is going on is practically non existent. Ever time I try and figure this out it always goes back to Steve. How so much of me went numb when he left.

There are brief moments I think I accept it, but they vanish so quickly. By secondary losses do you mean the things we now have to do because they are gone? It's hard enough they aren't here, but to have to now do things that were thier 'job' is what drugs me down because they are more reminders. I never knew what a broken heart was til now. So I don't know if they can be healed. That is my dilemma. This isn't some break up like in the tabloids or in college. This is the real deal. Plus neither of us wanted it, and oh yeah! The other person is dead, not out there going on with life without us. We are the ones stuck in that hell.

All these replies to Gin ring so true. We do gets things done, it's that they don't matter right now. Hopefully they will again. I looked back at the list I accomplished last year and it is very impressive. Does it make me feel any better? Nope, not one bit. I live in meaninglessness. Never have been here before and there are no guidelines. I can't think of any time in my life there wasn't some kind of specific answers. We are all here and can give each other validation. Can you imagine going thru this not being able to talk to someone who understands? That is the hardest part, when we have to deal with the world day to day. Then we come home alone. So many tell me they understand, but they don't. They don't know about the dark in our brightly lit homes, the cold while the heater runs, the silence no matter how loud we turn up the sound. Many times I lay down and just wish for some mercy from the universe.

Our Friday was Saturday night. We always went out to dinner to the same place and would store up topics knowing it would be a good time to talk without distraction. I am still not used to it being gone. The last time we went, about 2 months before Steves death, I had pulled our waitress aside and said we wouldn't be back because he was getting too confused. I always treasured those nights and now I know how much as it Saturday again and I will be dining alone again. Other nights are not as bad as this one. That man loved his Mexican food and our waitress we knew for years. That was a biggie to give up. Brad, I hate thinking of the last conversation. My heart truly goes out to you. I don't exactly recall our last, but I didn't know thatv it was when it happened. I do remember the many in his dementia state that tore me up. He was leaving me sooner than his body did. That was hell on earth. To have him and not be able to reach him.

I'm really glad this reminder comes up from time to time. It's a way to say thank you, Marty! Thank you for creating a place that I know has saved much sanity and created many friendships.

I think there is a part of me that wants to still believe I can get him back and the life I love so very much. Sometimes it is just too surreal to believe this really happened to us. We were just living our lives and one day he comes home at lunch and says...I have cancer. It almost feels my mind is rejecting that 6 plus years later as I did at our kitchen table and he said it. Years later when I found out our baby, a golden retriever, had it too I actually slumped to the floor and was screaming NO NO NO! I saw them both die. Yet at 15 months often cannot believe it. If you find some way to make use of this grief, I sure want to hear it. And not focusing on the pain. Everywhere I turn are things to remind me they are gone. I want to talk to him about Trump running for president, our leaning fence that needs repair, how the new dog is eating the deck, what he thinks of a new rug I bought. Normal stuff. No mater how many people I have brief conversations with in the world cannot ease coming home to this now silent house that is mine alone. I hate it. It's like a prisoner in isolation. I see now why people go a bit crazy without that human connection that they forged over years of comfort and safety.

It's not just you. I had a new bed delivered yesterday and while it is nice and needed, I felt so sad Because the very first thing I would have asked Steve what he thought of it this morning after sleeping on it. It wasn't guilt for me tho, it was realizing just how much we were used to talking with our partners. It reminded me that I have another day I can't talk to him about anything. I scan the news online and no one to tell about it over lunch. No one to make plans with. I've watched shows that have made me smile, but can't really laugh without him here laughing too. It's an emptiness all the time. We aren't torturing ourselves, grief is. I would never voluntarily do this to myself. Steve didn't mean for this to happen either. He had no idea (tho he thought he did) how hard this would be. I like it when I feel some glimmer of, well, happiness is a stretch, let's say not consumed in pain. I don't trust those moments to last, but since I have to go in existing, just a brief moment I can breathe is a gift.

I went to Amazon and ordered it. I read some online reviews that had nothing but praise for it. I normally don't read books about grief (having lost other people), but I've never had a loss turn everything upside down. My mother was hard to take, but it was the natural order. That's the same with couples, but the bond is a chosen one that we committed our lives to. And one we didn't think would end despite logic dictating we all must die. I really liked the description as it doesn't sound like the usual going over the stages because we have heard those ad nauseum. This is a whole new experience we've never faced and had NO idea how intense it would be. So, Ana, thanks for the heads up.

I guess I had to wonder...can we really educate anyone who hasn't gone thru this? It seems from what everyone posts we cannot. The best we can do is tell them that platitudes are useless and simetimes hurtful because they are invalidating. And that's the last thing we need right now.

Not really. I've had the oddest things hit me and obvious ones not. It jumps around all the time. I wouldn't say I am on alert always, but when it is something I didn't expect it's unnerving. My gawd, the whole world is different now. I don't need another thing to remind me. I'm looking for things that will bring some solace. They seem to be terribly lacking.

Hope you got back to sleep, Ana. It's the nights that are the darker, and I don't mean lack of light. You're not a leper, your a woman in tremendous pain. I'm up too. Not usual anymore.

I had a musing last night while sobbing in the shower. Steve us everywhere but nowhere. I live in this house with all this stuff that is ours, so he is here no matter where I turn. Yet, he is not here. I hate when I get these revelations. It just goes on and on and on......

Mitch, I wish I could say something that would help. I read all the replies and agree. We can all go back and rethink what we did or how things happened and wonder. Maybe in some we might have bought a day or two. I don't know and never will. All I can do is say I did the best I could looking at him, my options and how quickly these needed decisions. The Patty Duke story was one I hesitated reading. Any stories about death I stop and think...should I do this to myself because it will send me back in time. Do I need to add someone who was not close to me, nor did I have all the info people around them had to relive my situation. Now I pretty much see the headlines and say no. What good will it do me to know the details? This is where our minds are not our friends. Places we should not invite them to. Someone today at the nursing home was telling me about 2 other celebrities that died and thankfully only said thier age. We will always, as we were before but weren't in such pain ourselves, hear about death. We've been there already. We still are. I guess I kinda look at it as cancelled my 'milk dellivery' because I don't drink it anymore. I hope you find some distance from this soon. There are so many other places to revisit which are sad too, but they were of happier times.

I miss those cathartic tears. Don't know what happened to them but hope they come back. If I have to melt down to my core, I sure want to feel better after. Isn't that the point?

I'll put in a show just as filler and I can't count how many time cancer (my trigger) comes up. I'm like....really? And all those gawd awful ads for medical conditions. And the narration is always so light and flowery as they talk about debilitating side effects while showing happy happy people. If I could take the silence I would. Right now this is a lose/lose. Have to work on that.