Gwenivere

That is what is happening to me this 2nd year. I certainly felt the grief last year, but I was also so restless I was knocking off put off chores and tasks that had been neglected for years because of Steves illness. Now that those are done, I don't know what to do but wade thru the days watching life happen, but not connected to it. I see me walking around in the world as an observer. It is like an out of body experience. And like Groundhog Day, it just keeps repeating day after day.

I don't know much about Valium, but I take Xanax regularly. I have panic disorder. I have never had to increase it unless I am in a very stressful situation. It creates dependence, but doesn't create the need for more. I know a lot of people on something to sleep. Sleep is so vital to our well being. More so than ever thought. Our society stresses this go go go mentality that, I feel, is harming us a great deal. So, Marg, I will never give mine up. The odd thing is I am taking more once Steve died. Maybe it isn't that odd. When he was here, even in crisis, he was my calming force by his very presence. This being alone is so hard to navigate with greater fear, lonelines, and anticipation. Grief itself has its way of inspiring anxiety and panic too in people that never had it before. One thing I have learned is whatever it takes to get thru it.

Well, I have read the thread and I guess I am an idiot. But I'm not going to defend myself here. I just saw those words and had them said to once in person and was shocked. I know the bad about it. I also know that taking on a challenge of quitting now would be a failure and increased stress.

Marg, don't know if you meant to, but your above post gave me my laugh of the day.

I wholeheartedly agree with you on this. I always assumed other couples we knew were just as committed and bonded. One thing I have had my eyes opened to is a clearer look at them all. I can pretty much predict which will feel this enormous pain and be forever changed and which will be crushed, but not this extent. There are a lot of unions out there that just scratch the surface of how deep a love can be. This experience has truly made me see why I am where I am because I invested my life into this man. And he into me. Now I have a better understanding of things that were around me all the time but didn't see because I had such a great thing. Listening now to how couples talk to and about each other hurts because they do have each other, but many times that is about the extent of it.

My gawd, Gin! I cannot believe someone would say that to you! How absolutely insensitive. Then again, I think about things said to me and wonder what planet they lived on. Like you, I had no 'secret' wishes unfulfilled cause of Steve. Our life together was.....my life! Oh yeah, now I can go do that skydiving I always wanted....yeah, right. I just want to talk to him over dinner again!

Let's try this again....

Odd, I see it on my computer. I'll have to try again from my tablet.

Saw this this morning.....

Ah, maybe there is where I get messed up. Pulling me back. Seems it would be better the other way around.

Same here. Cooking has lost all its charm. It's just a necessity now. Sometimes a chore to get out of the way. I miss it being a means to enjoyment and experimentation. I miss his signature dishes too which I haven't had since he left.

Traumatic indeed! This has been suggested several times and my reaction is always the same. Logistically, I can't even fathom moving from a place of over 30 years of occupancy. Packing, sorting and probably downsizing. There are dogs to consider. My age works against me on such endeavors too. I'd also have to get into every nook and cranny of this place also. Emotionally, a new place would intensify everything. It's enough adjusting to the change here much less being in a place I have never been. While it pains me here, I see all we did to make this perfect. The thought of strangers living here while I am alive is gut wrenching. I'd never be able to accept that and have to avoid my neighborhood. I know moving helps some people. The very thought of it sends my anxiety level thru the roof. I already feel like a stranger in a strange land.

You're doing better than me! I haven't been out for a sit down meal since August of 2014. I don't think I will ever go back to any of our places, not that there were many, but the few we had were great. But it was more than the food as you know. I was talking to a guy at the nursing home I work at who said the same thing happened to him. If he had to socialize,it was ANYWHERE but a place that was dear to them. I often don't want to be at home, but I want to go out even less.

I was going to suggest something like Xanax that could be taken as needed til I read Marty's post which makes even more sense considering you would be forcing yourself into something you are not ready for. I know my doctor would easily write up something to back me up if needed. I think Marty really nailed a great solution.

I still have the confidence, but it is different and I can't find the motivation to use it often. As was said elsewhere, this homelessness in our home is most unsettling. It's like a roller coaster now. At times I feel OK here and moments later I feel this is a prison of memories. Knowing I wont be making any new ones with the love of my life has me seeing this place with new eyes and wonderering if I will ever feel comfortable again as a natural state.

Joyce, could you ever fathom a time when electricity or technical things became so important we feel almost alone as we do within our partners? Sad. Another ugly view of the face of grief.

Beautiful, Sherbear. I was amiss welcoming you to the club no one wants to be in.

You said it perfectly, Patty. When I am out, I want to go home. When I get here I am lost in a vast emptiness wondering how this place will ever feel warm, light and life again. It's being lost in both worlds. So where do we go? Your describing it as being 'homeless' is spot on. A place that looks so familiar but it's like being between realities. Losing our safe place is so hard. I even feel the emptiness on my way here because I know he won't be here. I have yet to figure out a way to keep this home alive on my own. The energy, which is limited as it is, gets drained so quickly when we are always in this state of being lost.

Kay, I cannot believe the word LUCKY was even said to you! Lucky? We are lucky we are now alone, live in silences, have clean houses? How absolutely insensitive and truly clueless! Mitch, I have a HOPE medallion Steve made me promise to always carry. He gave it to me before his 2nd surgery and went that failed in there's it on a table and he asked I keep it. I do, but am still waiting for it to mean something.

Matpryann, you post such well thought posts. I feel a downer because I always zero in on the low points, but that is where I am. I can't beleive hoe my view of life has changed and his little matters anymore. And I want it to! But it can't be forced. All that matters to me are my furry kids and there are even times I push them away. Thier happiness is something I watch with envy. They live the now and have no anticipation of the future. They only react with fear when there is an actual tangible reason. My older dog would flip out in glee if Steve walked in the door. But I know she doesn't think about it anymore as she did the first couple of months. Got a little carried away there rambling. i just want something to matter beyond 'getting thru the day'. Humans need purpose. Be it with someone or from within themselves. I see why people lost in a vacuum become shadows of a whole being.

These are the things that always hit me. Every day I wake up to this realization. It may lessen over the day, but sticks like a shadow. Late at night it takes over again knowing I will go to sleep and wake to it yet again. i find that is all I can say to Steve right now too....I miss you. Of course it is so much more than the I miss you of long distance friends or his being away on a trip and that waiting for his return. I had a dream last night he came in and crashed on the couch exhausted. My reaction was I knew it! I knew this was all a lie and you weren't dead! That was a tough one waking up. Only his death was the snap of the fingers. Everything after that is the forever. His death was actually the easiest part of this constant fight to live I on. I often wonder if I surrendered if it would help. Seems like I have with no choice. It's real. Every day proves it. I guess I thought if I surrendered it would help move my along. Not yet. He's been gone too long so new ways to miss him keep popping up. Power went out last night for a few hours and no one was here to help light candles and soothe the furry kids. The darkness itself was scary this time unlike the past when I would just get angry. Alone in the dark. Live that way mentally. Physically it really hit me hard. When the lights came back on I felt like I could breathe again.

Kath, everyone said about everything I could. We are a family here with open hearts and arms to those that come here. None of us want to be here and hate seeing someone else have to join the ranks. But I thank Marty for providing a place we can come and know we aren't alone or going crazy. One thing that struck me about your symptoms was they also sound like anxiety or panic. You are on overload and that is so very common. You only have so much energy now after all you have been thru as a caregiver. I spent 5 years as one and when that is over, we are more exhausted than we ever knew. You are also facing the loss of a 'job' and on your own. It's overwhelming. Some do a lot during the shock, others are paralyzed. You have to go with what your mind and body tell you. Doing otherwise will just cause more stress. One thing we have all learned is to put ourselves first right now. People will or won't understand, but we are the ones that have to live this life altering event. If there is one thing you have ahead of you is time. Please don't push yourself.

I have always admired Maryann's ability to put into words many things I can't. She and I are are at the same time mark too so it helps me see that at a time when society thinks I should be well on my way back to a normal life, I feel a relief I am not alone experiencing more things unexpected and the world in general, unless they have been there, knows nothing of the impact of this kind of loss. They see us moving about in the world somewhat as we were, but they have no idea what the time at home is like now. I don't know low to live alone again, yet I muddle thru. I even have physical reactions to coming home now. I know what to expect, but it doesn't make it any easier. Perhaps it is because it has been going on so long and I don't like it. Can't make yourself feel what you don't. I know he won't be here, but each evening I miss the simplest things we did. There is nothing now I do that was like before. It was enough losing him much less having to construct a way of life as well. Or survival really. I miss the contentment that was here before, or safety as it has been called. What I miss, like all of us, was the simple and obvious. One person in the whole world caring I was here and what I did. I get some things done and now have no one that really cares. It makes it hard to keep doing. Even down to the little things like the house smelling like Pledge and clean. Or vinegar because I mopped up after weeks of dog on the kitchen floor. I don't know how to find pleasure and achievement in those alone. I use them to fill time. That is my driving goal....fill the hours. I've never played so many video games in my life. Things I would have found a total,waste of time before. I neglect reading for that because of lack of concentration and interest even in fictional worlds. By far, this is the toughest thing we will face. Time lines are bull. They are for those that don't know, we scare and want to beleive this is less impacting than they want to imagine.

That is so true. I've even had people ask why I am sad when I am just chatting with them because they see it in my eyes. I asked what tipped them off. That was it.

Karen, I had to have all kinds of tests after my TIA. My heart tests came back great. Thier equipment couldn't image the heartbreak no matter how high tech they are.