Gwenivere

Gosh darn it! My post got deleted again! I emplaned more ab out Dee and the police night. No matter, I have. a reference for senior assistance. The biggest I need is filling my pill containers. Have to find out about that. My pain patch is about out and I can tell. I’m supposed to stop another dose of oxycodone too. I’m going to try half another dose again. The weekend. I’m feeling withdrawal already. Talk to the doc Monday. I realized l'll never drive a car again. One more counseling session and we can’t talk. Jinny said we could chat now and then. So many losses. 😰

Dee was drunk Wednesday night and even the police about 3am. This is the first time she has told me I',m a trigger for a slip. At least they saw who had the problem. Yesterday I got beat up and down by my shrink because I stood up to him and made the mistake of telling him I wasn’t doing his withdrawal. So he doesn’t trust me anymore. I shouldn’t have said anything about the meds. My counselor said the.same. Really feeling weird with this pain patch. Off to bed. Have to talk to gal that told me everything wrong last week. 💕

That’s s the truth! And we can't run as fast either. In my mind I feel I can still do anything. Then I get up and find I'm an old lady. Even more so than many others imagine It’s easy to be caught when you can’t really run anymore. I was talking to my bath aide.today and she was telling me aboutt bed baths as this gets harder and harder. Every night I go to bed thinking about the'good old days. I have to decide evert night what side I want to wake up on. Il will have get up once and change sides and which I want to wake up on. These are hard decisions now. Can’t make this post correctly. Kay, I've been on pain patches &or three weeks now.

EI've been on pain patches for over 2 weeks now. I got conflicting info about cutting the oxycodone between 2 providers. One put me. In extreme withdrawal. That’s the truth! In my mind I feel I can still do anything. Then I get up and find I'm an old lady. Even more so than many others mage. It’s easy to be caught when you can’t really run anymore. I was talking to my bath aide.today and she was telling me aboutt bed baths as this gets harder and harder. Every night I go to bed thinking about the'good old days. I have to decide evert night what side I want to wake up on. Il will have get up once and change sides and which I want to wake up on. Speaking of which, I better get to it. Mistakes in this aren’t here when I post. Darned software changes itself. 💕

Oh my gosh…it's Joyce! I know you’ve been waiting on that hip replacement so very long. I sure empathize with pain. I so hope the docs are at least giving you something in the meantime. Wow! I5's Joyce!!! 🫤 Time as gotten away from me. I’m feeling the effects of the stronger patches. Tak to the doc today. The n my PCP. Have. To write later today. Hope it was a good holiday for everyone. I got some mini chocolate eggs . More than I expected. 💕 to all.

Dee isn’t doing her treatments yet. They won’t do it til she has stopped drinking for a month. She blew that big time. Friday by drinking all day, not just the evening. I’m so sick of it. I was already tense about changing to a higher dose patch and being told by another med person to stop all oxycodone yesterday. I made s e several calls yesterday for. Help about the patch and pills to no avail. All were to go to he ER . Creating a huge anxiety attack. I took some oxycodone and dropped another dose at bed. Back to where I was. I don't like being pulled in opposite directions by experts. I tried writing a message to my doctor as he prescribes the oxycodone. Giving up on that til I talk to the patch doc Monday. Last day before another too busy a week with medical, shower and almost last meeting with Jinny. Lunches messed up everyday. Happy Easter to all that celebrate it. 🐇

Very tense day around here. Housekeeper, virtual med calls and Dee over doing it with walks and no food. I'm very worried as she has thrown up and didn't want to eat. I got her to eat about half. Then everything went off the rails a ga in. I don’t know if she’s been drinking or seriously melting down. The verbal abuse was so bad. Now she hares me and there’s no talking to her. The meeting with the behavioral PA was scary. The treatment I am getting is creating perpetual withdrawl. It's either pills or patch as they cancel each other. She said she's called the clinic several times about it and was going to again. Today I start my first day with no pills. The patch level I Have is very low. She said it's also a long term solution. Safe for the rest of my life. Have to try and get ready for today and no pills. Also Dee keeps coming out here and making things miserable. 💕 to all.

Yes, she shows remorse. I've done things I've had to as well. But it’s usually her. I prefer discussions to yelling. Got a message to use higher dose patches and dropping another pill dose. Going too fast from when we started. 2 weeks as opposed 4 as planned. I’m thinking I'll drop the sleep pill since I get so sedated with my anxiety meds. I also take Tylenol full doses every day and that’s not good for your kidneys. I’m having signs my heart is working too hard now too. Talked with the PT woman and she lost her husband 8 years ago too. It was quicker, only a few months. We discussed the pro's and cons. She doesn’t have the prolonged images burned into her brain. Watching for years the changes and pain. Losing him to a dementia like thinking when it hit his brain. But we both ache for the love and friendship lost knowing it will not happen again. Some find it, I know I won’t. We all know ourselves. I’m not open to it. Even if I had opportunity, which I don't in this physical state, I will never feel that again. I thought I was in love 2 other times. Not even close. I have less time to live than I have. Plus i'm still in love with him. Found this at the time change and forgot to post it. Still wish it would stop being mucked with. Had counseling yesterday. Talk to a pain specialist today of how to manage this. Housekeeper here too. Dee to show him the important stuff. The company comped me a half hour for sending a substitute. Hoping he can get the bed linens dry and folded so Dee doesn’t have to. I don't know how long this Zoom call lasts. It's a different platform. Hope it works. I'm hoping it is worth it. I haven't had a medical one that wasn't upsetting. Watched The 33 about the trapped miners. Those guys had to have had PTSD after all that time buried alive. Planning Arctic tonight, another survival movie. Jump to the The Blacklist. Will hate to have that end. Time for bed. 💕

Dee does help so much. It’s her personality that is volatile. Unpredictable . Just have to pick my words carefully. Got totally befuddled trying to get a hold of a medical biller with phone tag and outrageous hold times (30-40) minutes. Rescheduled with the exterminator and housekeeper. Hopefully that happens. If it doesn’t happen it will be 6 weeks. We aren’t slobs. They have much stronger cleaning supplies. Dee's. preparing for an overnight trip to see her dad on Labor Day. On the other side of 5he state . Told her she could take my car once we. Get 5he brakes fixed. The bus was too restrictive. She want's to see him but also not to leave me stranded too long. This is when I know she cares. Counseling today. PT today was depressing. Left me with exercises I did in rehab. Lots harder than they were now. I’m not surprised. I have gravity working against me. Good sleep wises for all. 💕

Got thru my shower. Had To scramble to cover pain patch. ots of phone calls. Problems with my housekeeper appointment, PT coming out today, Dee got pissed about something, felt awful after dinner. A typical yucky day. Took forever to get my hair pinned up. Forgot to call the exterminator and make sure they don’t come back for rats . Only got partial RX refills because my doc is off this week. Covering one doesn’t know me and won’t prescribe full refills so more calls next week. Finished HBO series that was really good. Hate when a good show ends. Sleep time coming. Always leads to crushing memories. Wish I could have good ones with Steve in them, not the void. 😰

I HATE when they do that. CT's are instant, not like bloodwork. Even those are fast these days. Did you have the scan yesterday morning? I'm sorry, but I don’t remember what the scan is for. Found out Dee was acting crazy the other night because she took too many of her nerve pain meds. I now dole them out. I know the name which sounds familiar so need to read up on it. Exterminator found no active rat activity under the house. Just in the outside feeding stations. Going to cancel it. I don’t want to attract them here. Shower today. Want to get it over with. More phone calls have been created by more complications. Story of my life! Fall didn’t seem to make things worse. Grateful for that. 💕

I haven’t looked for a support group. Good idea. Thanks, Karen. I can’t be. The only one so victimized by this surgery gone wrong. I know the concern about addiction and that you become tolerant. I was in my former office, now Dee's room, and slid out of my desk chair. I’ll find out this morning how much damage I Dee has lots of clothes on it. I told her a long time ago to move mine and hang hers. At least I didn’t fall from standing. and hang hers. My computer came up, but I need to figure out how to use. It again as there are 2 mail accounts there I'm sure are flooded with stuff after almost 2 years. I had called Direct TV for a question and forget to get my account number andI think it’s in there. Easier to call back, but I'd like to have my printer back. I managed to.anger Dee again by how I did/did not react to all the work she did hanging up her clothes. Led into how i've never wanted her here, she can’t move anything (tho she has all her personal stuff in the shower, the extra bathroom and bedside table). She went for a walk and I think drank. I didn’t want to escalate things so I’ll confront her this morning. It’s a community center day and I have a call from the pain clinic pharmacist. Narrow window. As always, everything is my fault. Talked to Nina yesterday our usual half hour. Church dinner was really good with brisket and pulled pork. Always healthiest meal of the week. Time to brace for a rapidly filling up week f med stuff. Plus (housecleaning, and. Exterminator. Get a little time to play some games before bed. Z. ZZlzzzzzz…….

I haven’t gotten my taxes yet. And I know I have to sign them. Then have Dee mail them. I know they are being worked as they contacted d me with a question. I’m sure they want to get them done so the y can ill me . I was reading about the upcoming plan for my pain control and not very pleased with it. Sounds like the goal is no opiates which is continuing pain. Build in*g up tolerance to opiates. I don’t know what they do for people like me. You can’t live like this for your life. I don’t believe antidepressants can stop this like I read a blurb about. If opiates poop out, what do you do? I knew a guy once who had to go thru total withdrawal. Lost track of what happened to him. I’m really scared. Will have to press the pharmacist Monday. This is eating me alive with worry. I don’t know how I’ll get my Xanax back either. It's so much to process. This i s my entire future. I got to help Steve with his. He didn’t want to be the one left behind. He always told me living without our love it wouldn’t be worth it. He was so right. You both are so caught up in managing the weight you see how heavy it is. I'll never forget him asking if he could go. How could I say no? It’s the definition of love. They are more important than yourself.

Yes, losing my counselor is huge. No matte r how many notes she gets from Jinny, it’s not going to be close to what we built. I don’t even know if I’ll like her! I record movies and TV series so I can watch them without waiting a week between. Sounds like you have streaming, Karen. I don’t have that as I don’t ave internet to my DVR. I do remember TV's doing the rolling way back when. I would think you'd need internet for the hopper too, Kay. Who do you mean by them calling you? Your tax people? I was discharged by OT yesterday because of hurting my left arm overdoing the exercises. If It gets better I can start up the program again. I’m hoping that is the case. . Nurse came by and didn’t really do anything I found helpful. Rescheduled a missed Zoom meeting for next Friday instead of the nurse. Week is filling up with appointments. Dee just got me for April Fools saying a rat was in the kitchen. Got me out of the reality funk for a couple of minutes. I needed that. New pain patch today. Grit my teeth and try to do it another week. This is when I bailed last time. 💕 to all.

Plan on talking to Dee today. This IS getting out of hand. The home test was negative after 8 days after exposure. Ugh, taxes. I haven’t heard anything from my CPA. I’m assuming we will make the deadline. She hasn’t called about any problems. Has to be post marked by midnight on the 15th. I don’t like B&W shows either. When we got our color TV I was maybe 11. Back then you had to adjust t. My mom drove us nuts-always tinkering with it. My dad would tell her to knock it of. He’d set it up and that was it. Once you taste color, you don’t go back. Unless you’re really 'old' and I certainly wasn’t at that age. I can’t even fathom not being able to record something. Haven’t got to streaming yet. Another crummy day. Found out in counseling I have only 3 more sessions and Jinny is done . Had to move my last one a day early to get it. She as me set up with a new counselor and filled in on my issues. It’s a huge loss in my ilife.. We 'have been together since 2000. I hope we stay in touch. It would be a drastic change. I feel we are friends, but 5here was always a line. You know how these are very calming people by sight and voice? She is one. Time to get ready for the movie. Then uncomfortable sleep. Today 2 med people coming over. Always messes up the day. Facing a new patch Saturday. I'e never done this before.

A lot of things are skewed about Dee. I never know what to expect. I just know she doesn’t want to be alive, is angry, depressed and lost. I’m around it all the time. But she is around me too and I’m no pleasure either. Dee just got home, angry again as a friend of hers just got covid. Scared the friend will die. Had to do a home test. Got mad.at me for not reading the instructions fast enough. She shook out my chair cove rand put it back wrong, but as she can do no wrong,, got in a snit and walked out. When she got back I apologized and said I should have asked her to put it on the way I prefer. I'm at a loss of how to keep the peace around here. So many little things I don’t understand why they are so annoying to her. One thing can not bother her one day and be a long heldp grudge the next. I wanted to write more, but she’s taken up all my time. Have counseling today. Missed counseling with Home Health yesterday yesterday because the woman screwed up the invite for a Zoom. I could have used it too. Have to reschedule. PT coming out ne xt week. 💕

The path is iffy concerning water. Advised to cove it, which I have. Worked fine. Talk to pharmacist next Monday about not rushing this and sticking to the 4 week protocol. Dee's angry att me for paying my-bath aide from my former Home Health and not asking her to do it. Thinks I view her, Dee, as a slave. How she doesn’t see I'm trying to ask for much. I don’t understand. I know she can do it as she did once. I've tried to show my appreciation in many other ways like getting her car heater fixed. Help her any way I can. Have OT coming out today. Still having a hard time with this withdrawal. Finished watching The.Irishman last night. 3 and a half hours. Great cast, but way too long. Trying a silly sounding one tonigHt with Vince Vaughn. Time to unwind. All sleep well. 💕

That’s a clever way to get out of dusting, Marg. We wipe things over as we pass them if they aren’t covered. Neither of us likes clutter so keep up with the major areas and save the little ones for the housekeeper. Dee makes her bed and I used to. Too painful to do now plus I’m only in there alone now. It’s not the mess it used to be in a king size. Her's is a twin. So easy. I slept in there often when Steve was having tough times with his cancer. Found out Dee had been drinking again last night. Several times which matched when she was on me. Said she was overcome missing Maria. I told her stuff she didn’t remember and how foolish it made me feel apologizing for and unfair it always is. Was exhausted from it and slept to less than an hour til the alarm. Talked to the pharmacist today and now I face a shortage of patches since. I wasted 2 of them months ago. Spent the afternoon trying to get that fixed but still in limbo. I was told to put a higher dose one on next week but none were called in. Nor instructions. I don’t want to go back on pills as I'm on my 4th day dropping one dose. 4 for a month that is wha I originally got. 2 weeks seems too fast. I hate they complicate things I finally figure out. The protocol is 4 weeks on this start. I can very much feel the difference between the two. The pills work better, but wear off quickly. I need the time to adapt. Supposed to have a shower today. Hope I can tolerate it and the patch stays adhered. I need luck and prayers. 💕 Thanks!

I’m too old to be a homeowner too, but I lm. No rent, but plenty of bills. Fall on me to fix and hire out everything including yard work. Advantageous is I can do anything I want. Tho I can’t do much. As I've said, being a prisoner here, there isn’t much I can do to live like most do. Dropping anything on the floor, especially pills is a major thing if it goes under furniture. Having tremors makes many things bigger challenges. Yesterday hasn’t ended yet, hours to go. Dee is furious because I didn’t do something and I can’t find out what. It’s so maddening to me she does that like I’m supposed to be a mind reader. So I go back to what I’m doing and it makes her madder. Don't want to explain more because it makes no sense. Oh, now I hear it’s something else and I get the fallout. Then it’s not me at all. Getting close to bedtime. Despite the pain, my only r refuge. Thought that ht me this weekend was I'll never wear jeans anymore. That’s sad to me. I love d them. Ve some that still have the tags on them. Long week ahead. Hope all are well. 💕 to you all.

Love this time quote, Marg. Want to share that link. Gotta figure out how to make .i an open mage. I’m so ignorant on some things on this tablet. The time change messed up my pets internal clocks too even tho the schedule was the same. That animals can detect illness doesn’t surprise me. I don’t know how, don’t think anyone does, but it's evident. If only they could cure it too. I hear this is the last year we'll have to do this time change. I'll believe it when I see it.

I’m sorry, Kay, but being in Oakridge would not be for me. I am definitely city folk. I can’t get out in it now, but I sure would if I could. My place would drive you nuts. As usual, weekends area challenge. Everyday I pick out options to run in the TV background and it’s always the same old stuff. Today I drop a dose of oxycodone. I’m choosing the one before dinner. I sure hope this is doable. I’m so tired. of feeling awful. Sleeping was horrible Friday night. All day was on edge. Will soon find out today.

That is what I miss too. This getting older brings so much negative experience and feeling now. If this is what being a grown up is, I don’t want to be one. I’ve known I’ve been an adult for a long time. It felt like a natural state till so many things started going wrong and I don’t have my best friend anymore. No one I can talk to about what life has thrown at me that used to be an us. Talked to the pharmacist. Starting the patch again today. Keep the same doses of oxycodone. Sunday drop one. Talk to her again Monday and decide on any further changes. She did her best to calm my fear but understood. Nurse came by and said I could stop the hip bandage. Options for digestion issues. None very appealing. Adds more change on change. A body can only take so much. I’m already sweating what to do about my anxiety meds now that my shrink now thinks I shouldn’t take them anymore even tho I was doing fine. I have no idea how I’ll find another. Another,'if it isn’t broken,, don’t fi fix it'.moment broken, but he has me under his thumb. Don’t know how I'll find someone to unfix this. So the disorder gets worse. wated Elvis last night. Almost 3 hours, way too long. We decided anything over 2 splits over 2 nights. Off to seep. Short game time.

No, Flo rid a said said schools couldn’t talk about gay issues. Dykes accident was a totally different story. Dee was saying I was being shallow not being as upset about what she was. Maybe I would be if I lived there and had anything o do with high schools. I don’t like what Florida is doing but I i'm not going to fret about it. I don’t like being judged on my personal interests.. I don’t do that to others. I'm not wearing the patch right now. I did a couple weeks ago with the wrong instructions. Going to try again this weekend. Very scared of it now. Talk to pharmacist today who can replace the ones I wasted from inaccurate t instructions. Nurse cancelled, rather never was scheduled. A different one coming today in a 2 hour window. I like firm times. Have another doctor that keeps being scheduled and rescheduled so I have no idea when we meet. FTF or Zoom. Talk to the pharmacist today as well as a nurse coming by. Have to have fear now of the patch discussed. Dee had o wake me up today. Sleeping with the-radio alarm on again. Off to it. Watched a great old movie las night. Witness. Hope all had a good one. 💕

Got a software error posting last night. No new postings here but need to check other threads. Seems the place has gotten into a very quiet time. I don’t know if some recent members are still here. OT was out yesterday ad we couldn’t do anything because I overdid and hurt myself on t(e arm exercises over a week ago. Won’t see him again until a week from this Friday. Contacted PT for some possible other sitting exercises . Don’t know when that will be. Meanwhile it’s just worse pain, even sleeping now. Things are tense between Dee and I. She’s a very judgmental person. Watching the news she comments on what I say like I'm shallow or wrong . She thought the restriction on talk of gay issues not enough to me because I I said' 'oh no' hearing Dick Van Dyke was hurt in an accident. Yet she can say anything she wants. I don’t comment on her choices. I agree about Florida, but I don’t have a burning anger about it. She filled m med boxes and was on me for not doing the insane taper my shrink wanted. If I did i'd be non functional. Then gets angry when I move the opiates around for a day because of it’s size, they don’t cut equally, to be is most effective for. what I have to do. I don’t expect her to be me and don’t know why I don’t get the same respect in return. She always says that’s the most important to her. Today is the nurse and counseling’. I’m hoping to lose the hip patch. I never know what to say in counseling anymore. I’m too overwhelmed o all 'm supposed to be doing. One or two would be tough, I count about five. I think that’s why the thought of getting up makes me so hopeless. Grey, drizzly days are back. Very fitting.