Gwenivere

I have to agree with Marg here. I also feel you have been judgmental in your choice of words towards others here. You claim you want support but when given you find fault. I read your posts with care, but fear responding from generalized any way but yours is right. Respect is needed fr everyone’s responses. The reality on this plane is money makes a difference in care we can receive. To say it provides ease.is tue, but not something anyone should be criticized for. Of course it is useless when we die. So many here could benefit from having more. So what if they take a cruise? People make choices trying to ease what they constantly carry. We need to support whatever it is.

Dee knows she can’t be here when I have counseling. She’s usually gone. Happiest to come home Jinny and I paused till she left again. She blew off the confidentiality and that is what I am going to tell her again. Plus I don’t restrict her conversations and they’re not even privileged. She is a source of some problems, but I I talk to her about that on my own. If she doesn’t want anyone talking about herr ever, as she says, than don’t talk to anyone. Only way it can be done. I was getting my shower when the oxygen guy came. My issue is they never informed me. You have to sign for ew canisters and that’s fine he took the old ones. I still have many in the garage which are just for the car. Plus, what if he came by before noon? He'd wake us up. Not acceptable I’m getting very down about how sleep is becoming a big problem. I still prefer it, but it’s not a haven as it once was. It’s so complicated trying to figure what causes what. The endless repetition or just knowing this will never really get better. There’s no magic, prayers or medicine that can ease this. I’ve done so much research into the many conditions that I cannot deny the truth. Well, Dee is bonkers again. Just keep doing my own thing. Non engagement as much as possible. Hope this typing holds up. Talked to Apple and they found a deleted file desperately needed tax number. Mucho relief. Morning! 💕.

I’m I haven’t heard any widow/er ever say a life of ease even if they have adequate income. Grateful, yes. Ease, no. I’m grateful I don’t have to stress much about money, but the void is so deep and intense I often want to die. I know I am fortunate. But I think back on all it took and the work Steve did. It was done for us. But there is no us. Perhaps it was you r wording. I see now you posted about what e mess your husband left you with. Yes, some take vacations that they never could. It just sounded a bit judgmental. Grief is so complicated. Many try to run and find out you can’t. Some find out a different place helps a bit. It seems the only consistent is never being complete as we had been. Even if we find love again, it will never be THAT love. That is a great goal. I wish I could feel that way but I am fighting more than the mental choice alone. I don’t see the coming future with any good outcomes and it’s from age and complications of that. I don’t have the freedom of choices. I sincerely hope you find that freedom as you will never lose that love you and e shared.

Dee had no right to ask me to not talk about anything I choose with my counselor, nor any other doctor I see. Or anyone! It will come up again next week after my session. I'll deal with it then. Turns out she was drinking Thursday night which explains her behavior. She usually does not remember, but she did. My utter annoyance is her extreme conveyance of her gripes in that condition and the 3rd player, Robin, who lies and mucks with her head. Dragging me in and have no business in this at all. Dee will say 'them',(about issues), but it’s only Robin. Managed to have a decent night last night. Had my shower. Had to make calls to my oxygen company as they tried to make a delivery I I didn’t know about. Think they're trying again Monday. Home health assessment that day to but only &or PT which the surgeon said won’t do anything. My doctor didn’t add a nurse but wrote about going to the lab for it. He knows I can’t get places without major planning if I were going to do a trip like that I would be for something big like bone density. That need big machines. Ate too big a dinner. Withdrawal continues. Sleep uncomfortable the couple times I wake up. What’s not to love?

Dee just ripped me apart for talking to my counselor about her. Saying I was telling her horrible things. I have, but she resents I talk about her at all, even ways to help her go thru the tough times. I lied to her saying I would never talk about her again to Jimmy. I don’t want the fights so it’s easier this way. She doesn’t react like a normal person in any way. This is confidential anyway. She got even worse as the night went on so I bowed out when she got on about a drawing I did she didn’t like for being promiscuous. Now she’s acting normally. Hoping I make it thru a shower. Had to call my doc to add to Home Health care for a blood draw. Needed Apple's help on an app. Need to rattle my medic alert for the right shipping label. Last day for CCenter lunches that sound good for the month. Always have Safeway. Best deli and hot food and easy. I don’t do complicated with the pain. Gonna take advantage of this pre-bed, no fight time because no telling what this morning brings. My post writing time got eaten up y drama. Very annoyed by that.

My next appointment with the pain clinic was in March. That was nuts. I called asI did the assessment and had given them a week to get moving on this. I’m going to be very picky on options. My patience level is nil for side effects or ANY way this can feel worse. Had a last minute Zoom with my shrink. So hate his voice much less having to look at him. He tilde me,, basically, I I didn’t feel like I did. I told him bull. I live it, not him. It’s like how do you describe how a broken leg feels to someone who’s never had one? He can read his books all he wants, but people have reactions and most importantly feelings. He’s still never explained why he’s changing my regimen that always works beyond the oxycodone being in there which I'm working on. He’s made things worse. Both physically and mentally. So the day got all off track. Ruined lunch. The only meal I semi like. Made me call the clinic, got info for home health to find the 2 I can choose from but can’t d blood draws for lack of supplies. The thing I need most. If I went to the lab I could get it done. It’s terrible how disabled people get the short end of the stick. Have counseling today. Mind.spinning in so many directions. I re read my posts the next and this predictive typing option has often changed my wording or.spelling. It’s so annoying. Will be interesting to see how it posts from last night. 💕 to all.

We become very empathetic to others from what happened to us. It’s like instinctual now. We know that deep pain and drawn to it. Hoping we can help because we get it. I only meet others in grief here. It’s not something people talk about outside plus I can’t go out. I do come in contact with it as my roommate has lost 2 people. I’m so exhausted by grief. It takes so much out of you. Hate getting up. But I know if I don’t it will be worse. I know your house situation is not warm and close, but they are your family. I feel bad that it. doesn’t help you more.

We are in our consistent winter blahs. Dark, rainy and about 40-45 degrees. Ten degree drop overnight. My house is old so temps vary by room despite the thermostat. Convince location in living room which has the most vents. Marg, Dee has mental issues that are becoming very difficult to deal with. Last night was another late night discussion that got me twisted into knots. It’s mostly late when I need to unwind for bed. Really dread that time. Don’t know what it will be today but no doubt it will happen. I was reading in another thread about how we see the world now. So much luster ruined or gone. It’s like my glasses that don’t work anymore. Trying to find some beauty//light in the world. I know it’s there as others have seen it. How I envy them! I once was one. Age, doctors and my body have cheated me. I cannot fight them. They let me take care of Steve %100. Saved nothing for me. I just t take up space. My once organized home has all kinds of medical supplies as it did with Steve, even more. Left me a boring whiner now after-more than a decade. I write this 5o get it out. Not for replies. Had a good movie night. I didn’t say anything about anything. Just acknowledged Dee's presence. We then had to solve why a disc for tonight wouldn’t load and got it done. No criticism about my now using my iPad and playing games. She tried to engage me at dinner but I didn’t bite. Hope this continues. Another day coming. Did get an appointment with the pain clinic for next week. I don’t think I’d make. It is March. Hope all are well. 💕

James, I think we could say that about anywhere. Yes, some places do fall into neglect. More often I see it’s my perception now that I have changed so much emotionally. Some places look improved or different. I resent that life keeps rolling along with no regard Steve is gone. But that is how life works. People die every day. The difference for us here is it is so affected by such a huge loss. It happens for others, and by so many other things like getting turned down for a loan, for example. Sometimes a cancellation of some fun plans. And some people handle this loss loss, I can’t find the word/s, more effective? I know they still f it, but not so paralyzed by it.

Found out this morning she took the antidepressant we already knew made her unaware of what she is doing. We threw out the pills today. It’s so hard balancing living with her. She’s all that stands between me and a nursing home. Even my counselor refuses to go to one of those. She has a plan to die at home. I had 25 years to see what that kind of life is. Works for some personalities, but not mine. No family, friends or pets. Ignored for hours when in need. Little attention when you get it. Have Braking Bad running in the background. H helps a little in t(he exaggerated depression. I’. m seeing Dee keeping busy. Stuff I'd like to be able to do. I’m still resentful of her freedom. Only thing I’ve tackled today was a double order of an iPad cord. II need to see how Tuesday is. Less despair than today not being so dramatic without t(e meds Dee took. Trying to get prepared for another day of Dee being home. Will be so glad there are C Center days coming up. She’s not a problem during the day, but no going there make the late nights whacky. Another night of analyzing how I act or don’t. This is when her illness manifests itself. Worst time for me. Anyway……… Got the final 2 episodes of B Bad recorded to watch when movies run short. My fav show that was marathoned today. Places are open again to create problems. Let the week begin. Kay, hope your hands are. Holding up.

You don’t need to apologize. That’s what these forums are for. It’s helpful &or people like me to see I’m not alone in the same way. I almost wish I had a collection ‘problem'. But I see yours is not really all that satisfying. We’re desperate for purpose again. I overdid it with stuff for the dogs and our food when there was an us. There is so much despair now. When the shopping is done, it’s all different now. Miss those touches. Yup. Know the fe e ling well. I’ve bee n 'dead' a long time. That void is never filled again. I still cry, get triggered by new things that come up I never thought of. Hear some music I haven’t in years, a memory out of the blue. Being alone sometimes i s easier. Not hearing so much of what is missing. I have a lot to say about this . I’m going 5o edit this today. Lost so much time to this again and I have to sleep. Have less than an hour to myself before bed rituals. ******************

Saturday and my first knowledge of the day is no Nina tomorrow, another RX is ready, no new DVD in mail and usual pain and dark thoughts. Have the football game on we have essentially lost. There’s a drama going on between Dee and Robin about Dee's van and turns out not to be issue and she’s back in Robin’s clutches. I’m staying out of any more of it. She gets too stressed out and. I’m not going down that path anymore. I’ve already written too much about it now. Will have to tell her as it comes up, I’m out of it. Didn't use the phone at all today nor have much TV routine being so different with the Seahawks game on and the above. Usually an ‘easier'.day. I make a list the night before of shows for the next day to have options quickly to have on in the background. I reread this and what I could say and see how tedious my life is. Even my conversations with Dee or emails are dull. No interaction leads to…….what can you say? I hear how busy other people are. Or interests they are pursuing. I don’t know how to develop those anymore. Movie time was a bit annoying. Someone (ahem) kept interrupting a nd the DVD wouldn’t play the firs5 20 minutes. It was a library one. Reminds me I need to get a cleaning disc. Who knows how many times the ones from them and Netflix have been run in other machines. No Nina today as is customary. Has some online class. No plans but to survive the day. Get to buy a backup power cord for the iPad. Yippee! Something non medical! Church dinner night which will probably be cold sandwiches and maybe a gut burger. Grateful for it, but pizza nights are better. 🙂

The cos t of food is ridiculous. I don’t know what the justification is. Most probably shipping with fuel prices. I’m sure Russian sanctions play another big role. What’s hard is how it hits the common consumer. Kay I talked to Dee last night when things cooled off. That took hours after the fact. I don’t know how to prevent these and neither does she. The only common link found is it involves her dealing with her partners death and finding something of hers since she got back things her sister kept from her for years. That is the anger part. I get confused as Dee says they get along well now, yet the sister still has more stuff. This could drag out a long time with Dee’s short term memory problems and my being the convenient target at the moment. It felt like a very Friday the 13th day. Setting up a DVD locked up my TV input. Took 4 times to fix by myself. Had to sit on my walker at the TV. Got back to my chair and my iPad was totally locked up. Fortunately on the contacts app so I could call Apple. Did a hard reset and got it back. Didn’t want to stare at a blue screen TV all day and with no access to anything on the pad I would have gone (more) nuts. Now just waiting to get thru dinner to movie time. Hopefully no dramatics. Oops, there were but I ignored them and hoping my not gonna caught up in it works. Just 5o late to get sucked in5o stress. Seahawk game this afternoon’. Our last5 chance to stay a wild card for the Super Bowl. I'm already in dread of this morning, no news there. Limit on eggs? How can that be enforced? Would take me a long time to use a dozen, but I don’t understand that.

I’ve been on Xanax for decades and getting off them was never my idea. It wouldn’t be an issue if not for the oxycodone. Hard to know with my shrink. I have an appointment with a new one, but not til March. Same with the pain clinic itself. Have to push on the home health care. Can’t do anything until the long weekend is over. Just heard the news Lisa Presley died. So many people going through hell. We only hear about the famous ones. I feel for everyone. Counseling was intense. I needed another hour at least. Jimmy (having become friends) told me some of her feelings about this time in life . Found we feel the same about some important issues. She’s 80 and better accepting the losses that I can see. Maybe because she can still get out and do moe. I feel our ages are reversed. My meds are all off as I took m afternoon dose almost an hour late. Was when counseling ended that I realized. Have to be careful for the rest of the night. Dee just came out, started a fight, I don’t know why, and left. I know, I keep exposing myself to this. I’m going to dive into a movie or watch Yellowstone. If she’s here, fine. If not, fine too. I don’t know if anyone here is superstitious butt Friday the 13th I can at least blame for whatever happens just like everyday. Because surely it will. Beyond my planned list.

No, Marg, Dee is taking her own meds. They don’t work right at well over the prescribed dose. I don’t know why this withdrawal hasn’t eased up. I’m not even doing all the med drops II've been told to. I’m so sick of the crawling skin feeling and restlessness. I’ve Had telemedicine appointments with 2 doctors. Didn’t feel I came out of them with anything hopeful. Everything is a guess, risk, gamble and no one sounded at all very high spirited about any choices from them. That doesn’t help my thinking about them. Dee and I went thru half my bedroom clothes closet. 2 stuffed leaf bags 2 donate. Most all left has more sentimental value than practical. Kept one dress and a floor length( skirt that Steve ha me buy, never got the chance to wear. Walked right into that trigger as many others brought up memories. But most was warm stuff l'll never wear as they don’t have buttons and can’t raise my arms. Would mess up my old lady bun too. I'm not feeling well today as usual. Have to eat dinner. Just want to get to movie time and hope to get lost in that. Have counseling today. Nothing is really helpful now. I have no idea what to say. Just the same old, same old. Dee doing her mor usual taking how I say things wrong. All excited about the clothing donation, annoyed wen I made suggestions about packing up a return box. Easier just let her do her thing. Mine is now relish my last game of the night.

I dropped all insurance except storage on the van. The pain was starting and I had no interest in using it. It’s dead now and no us for it. I should sell it, but not sure with my depression being so bad if I should risk it. I don’t know what to do anymore. Dee did take those meds again Monday night. Same amount, double. She was suicidal all day. She says she would never do that to me, but I can’t trust that. It’s making me feel that. I’d be totally alone. Unable to live here without an agency and I don’t know if I want to and do the interviews. I don’t want the option of a nursing home. We’re trying to set up a new life line button and fighting which is ridiculous. Old house without 3 prog electrical where needed. Have to find an adapter. Pull away for another time. May just send it back. Had a bad night with food. Today is back to back doctor appointments. Thank you for the movie suggestion, Karen. I’ll check it out. We watched The Last Duel se t in the 1300's. So odd to u s why things happen and judicial system. Usual going to bed anxiety. Knowing today will be the same. 💕 to all.

GYour messages always touch me, Marg. I’ve spent this afternoon making calls I don’t know will get me anywhere. Taking a break before calling the pain clinic about the withdrawal. Asked my insurance to find a place for bloodworkI need. I don’t see why I should do it. I called about Steve’s van and found it wasn’t street legal to drive. Came from mail today. Have no plans for that. Thought about shifting my schedule to earlier bed and wake time, but I’d run into lunch closings. Would mess up things Dee and I have set up too. Just no way to make this work better than it does. Really stressed about a shower today. Frigging withdrawal. I left a message with the pain clinic. Don’t know what I will hear back. Sitting here right now is so very hard. I got so fed up with the restlessness I asked Dee if she’d help with my shower. It was more effort as she never had done it but we did it!! It took my mind off the withdrawal for now and I'll just have to re pin my hair. Always frustrating. Rescheduled with my aide for next week. I need a calmer week to go back to her like next week. Dee was weird again at movie time. Not meds. Super depressed and said some hurtful things. I opted not to get into anything. Conversations like that take so long. I have enough other things to deal with. Just told her 5he movie she picked out was good and we need an earlier start tonight. Still raining here nonstop. List of calls I hope pass the time not too hindered by the withdrawal. Miss dreaming. I wonder if I'll ever say good morning again.

Zoom is set for a bit later. Sunday started into a very different day than expected. Dee took some prescribed medication Saturday night with bad side effects. It’s the 2nd time it’s happened. She was given way too much when I read up on it. So she needs to contact the clinic the state has her assigned to. I suggested she request one doctor she consistently deals with. You need someone that is familiar with you. Reading up this med appalled me. An antidepressant with off use use as a pain killer. I am not clear if the pain hel is immediate or weeks like use as antidepressan. The plan of a cat is on hold now. The reality of the costs fr the cat itself, supples and initial care like sterilization and shots will be costly. Another situation not entirely thought thru. I am not responsible for any of those expenses. Because of Saturdays movie/med fiasco, we are restarting it from the beginning. I don’t mind as it was a bit confusing. Had a Zoom short chat with Nina. I so admire her sense of purpose and how she’s handled the death in her life. I do know she can’t understand mine. I think I’ve asked before, but do people like that contribute to the loneliness? It does for me. I'm consumed in this withdrawal. Getting desperate. I don’t where to turn. Something to try and look into this week. Too much stuff this week with a jumbled brain.

I’m so tired of waking up sad I’m alive.. I can’t think of any reason to be here anymore. It’s fear that stops me. My choices are do nothing and live like this which is not really living, chance more surgery that may help, might not work and possibly make it worse. How does one face that everyday? Also if it did work i'd be more limited and lead to more? Keeping in mind mote recoveries with no break in pain since June of last year. I used to come here and feel so much better for it. Now I am so self focused I'm not sure I even belong. My grief has become so twisted. I think about Steve constantly thru seeing triggers I never had. All this isolation has me living in the past with things, places or discussions with Dee. How we did so many things and how many I can’t alone and not just from his not physically being here. It's affecting everything. Washed my face and it was such an ordeal. Such simple things. Feels good tho. Cleaned some containers for recycling. Another big pain production. Today I have a Zoom meeting with Nina for half an hour if she’s available. It's a church dinner night. Wish I had an appetite. Hate when dinner time comes around. Like having chocolate/junk food because I can sit comfortably, not make a mess. Not very healthy. But then, I wonder….why bother? Hope you all have a decent day. 💕

Couldn’t have said it any better. Same about Dee. I don’t like that she is my only way of staying out of a nursing home because that is where I'd have to go. I don’t feel she is playing me. Rather she has mental problems that don’t mix with a living awsituation well. She can do other social things, but they are short. She’s a lone wolf so this is hard for her too. My stress is to diffuse situations as they arise I’ve never had to. Exercise extreme patience when I barely have any. Add in withdrawal and all the other medical stuff and I'm surprised I function at all. My bath aide wouldn’t do my shower for how shaky I am. Going to see if it’s possible next Tuesday. I'm sorry to hear that your finances get so strained. That is anxiety producing, repetitious way to live. So much out of both our control. We try and adapt but so much we cannot change. That’s when I get highly frustrated. A lot are leaving messages that are never returned. Or misread. I labor over them so all of the info is there. Often resubmitting then with the same things rearranged. This being a new year, finances will need much tending with deductible. Ugh. A lot more things on the calendar medically now. Had a decent night with Dee and watching a movie. Not looking forward to another withdrawal day. Won’t be hearing any help over the weekend. Wish I had gotten a shower. Tho I would still feel yucky. I’d feel mentally better about myself. Done whining. Time to escape for a few hours. some channel is running a Charmed marathon all weekend and I lo=e that show. Play my favorite game and call it a day.

The withdrawal is very difficult. I had counseling yesterday and it helped a lot. Jinny helped me with Dee and the decision about getting a cat. Had a good day with Dee til movie time and shut it down as quickly as I could. Not going to give it more power before bed. contacted the pain clinic on this withdrawal without changing all my meds. Not everyone is on board yet with all the doctors. I need help with the oxycodone now. I haven’t heard-from my shrink and I want my refills for anxiety. Small as they are and I hate talking to him. I left a VM cancelling, my shower today. I don’t know if she will listen to it or show up. If she does, I’ll have o see ow I’m doing. I’m so tired of being on edge about everything. Can’t do anything all day for relief. I’m so shaky all day. Waking up is a terrible way to start the day. It dawned on me my hypothyroidism isn’t really being treated at all. That has a lot do with functioning too. Don’t know if any of this makes sense at all. Have a few hours break. 💕

If I lose power, the oxygen generator doesn’t work. I have to rely on tanks that last a few hours on continuous flow. I have 2. My only advantage is being i the bi* city with a dense population. The rural areas are usually the last.

I don’t know why our doctors say to contact them if we notice something different. They have never given me any helpful change. Maybe walk a little less. But not too much less. Will lose muscle, like I have much as it is. Don’t do anything that causes bad pain. Everything does. Come in person, tho there is nothing to see or feel for by hand. Xrays confirm hardware is OK. After Tuesday nights craziness with Dee I yelled at her when I got up. Said i'm sick of trying to guess at what was going to annoy her. Tired of being the target of all her struggles. I don’t do that to her. Only what is legitimate. She was stunned. I’ve raised my voice before but nothing like this. I was not backing down. She went for a walk, which she said she said she should have the night before. She’s been fine sine getting home. We’ll see how today goes. She’s always battling the alcoholism and I'e done what I could not feeling it. Done are the days of trying if there is nothing.or something related to me. She has to tell me. We had an actually good day yesterday. The drug withdrawal is becoming a huge challenge. Counseling today, shower Friday. Be en on edge about losing power. Very high winds. Really wish sleep, shower and meds helped. I really don’t like how impatient I get on phone calls. I apologized to an Amazon rep for a refund they owed me. It’s hard being a nice person and that makes me feel bad.

If I could know what sets Dee off I could avoid it. Yesterday I didn’t talk about my depression and we were fine. I can’t say I would want it to hear about hers everyday so maybe that is the key. She’s off on errands for us both. Had my pain clinic appointment. So many things to coordinate as I can’t yet go in person. They are setting up everything virtually at this point in hopes my insurance approves. One very interesting thing was 5he oxycodone starts its own withdrawal after a long time. It’s good I am trying but it kicked in itself. There’s many calls to make between 3 doctors plus PT shows on TV they want me to check out. Another appointment in 8 weeks and possibly med changes before. I 'm just not trusting in them. If I could go in person for the initial ones it would help, but I can’t. Now I wait till the 5 doctors and my insurance are in agreement on payments. Left a message to make sure notes a re posted. I couldn’t keep up with all the plans a n d meds. I’m Absolutely.crazy night with Dee. I’m going to bed after I play a couple games. Here's hoping she doesn’t keep me awake.

I don’t understand why the people you are dealing with do what they do to you. I don’t blame you for saying no more. That doesn’t sound very compassionate to me. This is through your church? Had a day of nothingness. Everything I did didn’t really matter. Sorting TV shows, a Zoom call with Nina that makes me feel more disconnected from the world, and seeing everyday how I couldn’t live on my own, so tapping into that nursing home ultimate fear. I've managed to piss Dee off so many ways. She gets ideas of how I could do things to cope better and some are good. I always appreciate it. Nina does too, but she doesn’t get mad or make me feel I need to justify my decisions. We didn’t watch TV or movie together . Planned Yellowstone, but the DVR. G et the first episode. I read the synopsis and started with the 2nd. Am hooked back in. No other movie had was interesting because she was mad. Took all he library DVD 's out of the living room like always. Don't know what I will do this morning when I wake up in the usual escalated depression. It hasn’t been fair to lay that on Dee. She’s in the same place. We use d to share it but it’s gotten so much worse for us both. Talk with the pain clinic today. Gonna have to charge lunch. I won’t have had my afternoon meds yet. All these pills make everything tough. Whined about it s o much. Better stop here.