Gwenivere

Seahawk game today. Dee already gone with a buddy to watch it. Was supposed to have a Zoom chat today but Nina’ is walking with someone before and not sure she’ll be back or feel rushed. Finally got my pre=pain clinic assessment questionnaire filled out for my appointment Tuesday. 3 tries. Wanted to get info on my anxiety meds and when they were due forgetting everything is closed the holiday. We don’t know if there is a church dinner tonight. Dee is going to check later. We missed las5t week. Fortunately someone else got us 2 and 2 gift cards. I spent my afternoon messing with TV recordings. Tried getting some RX's re filled forgetting it was the holiday. Used their voice menu. Don’t know if they’ll call my shrink or not. Seems they are overdue. Probably will make him angry but I don’t care. I'll hear about it from him. Caught some good old movies. N by NW and In the Heat of the Night. Think they me nostalgic for my parents. I never saw them but they were big deals when I was too young. They’d be 113 and 1117. Boggles my mind.. Watched a very intense movie about Guantonimo Bay. Have to empty my mind about how horrid that place is. The movie we have for tonight I’m not looking forward to. Need something better. The stress continues.

Dee hasn’t been drinking lately. It’s the grief about her friends death. I don’t know how she handled her partner’s , but she’s facing this one like hasn’t had to before. She did sleepwalk Friday night so yesterday was very weird. I’ve d one it before and Steve did a couple times. It’s very disorienting in the morning. Dee found bowls and spoons when she got up. Steve left out paper cups filled with parmesan cheese. I woke up fully dressed even to shoes in bed. Called my counselor and she never had a client that d id it.. googled it and stress is a trigger. She had been planning a memorial for her friend. Picked up our burgers for last night for last night from JIBox. Got 2 new moves front Netflix. Good to go. Heard the cops here already arrested a drunk driver at 9am. Unbelievable. Long way til midnight. Driving. Very many police and state troopers out for the day and night. Already hearing fireworks and loud noises 3 hours ago at 9pm. Don't know if I’ll have a Zoom with Nina today. I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this wanting out of this life and to myself. Just a couple people know so I don’t get locked up and lose all control. Having a terrible time with withdrawal feelings several times a day. It’s the most horrible feeling. They happen the same time every time a day. Even after I take my meds. Makes me want to take-more to stop them. So much an addicts thinking. JIBox burger was a nice change. Been eating too much chocolate after dinner. Almost bed time. S o hot and uncomfortable. Don’t know what to ell my shrink that I haven’t done his lowered anxiety meds. I don’t want to lie and say I had a sr ptas. I always felt that he might pull this and it’s the worst time with the opiates. Glad to see 2022 gone. Don’t have much hope in 2023. Hope 5he best for everyone else.

Woke up and still feel sick from all the pills I am taking. Don’t know how to get around that. Nor the depression that I'll never be a part of the world again. Housekeeper showed up (Larenna), and it wasn’t on my calendar. A surprise to both of us. Nice to have clean house and body. I missed a lot of exercise. Not used to giving myself permission for that. The after dinner hour came as usual. Dee all weepy and angry the same time. Me trying to field it all without huge drama. Watched a good movie while under the effects of sedating pills and. after eating stomach overload. Time to get 5o bed soon. Wiill have to have pretend champagne. Miss the real thing. 🥳

I talked to Dee first thing yesterday morning. Said enough is enough. I will not be criticized for my normal activities. She herself said many times my iPad was my lifeline to the world. I have always put it down when we have something to talk about. That I won’t do that anymore to talk about heavy subjects right before bed. That I never have never, ever commented or judged anything she was doing when she is by herself. She says she gets it, but I never know. Just have to stand firm and consistent. Free myself. If she doesn’t partake in movie time, so be it. I’m done. Missed my chance getting a shower yesterday because of the oxygen delivery which Dee said she’d handle after I told my aide no. Couldn’t get her back. Now it’s Friday. It’s never simple. If I hadn’t needed the tanks, it would be done and over. Now I have to call about a DTV remote, get rid of all excess insurance on Steve’s van and my SS payments not matching a letter I have. Probably kicks in 2023. I'd talk more but yesterday was more draining than I expected and living them again before having to do so again today is enough.🤪 ******************** This is Thursday night. Nightmare nightmare night Weds. Dee so emotionally strung out. Wouldn’t let me help them angry I didn’t. I’m an involuntary pawn in a twisted game with her and Robin. Told her today I want no part of it. Amazingly she understood. Asked if I would give advice if needed and I agreed to that. But no more blow by blow details. I was so stressed and tired I slept my 7 hours and didn’t move a bit yesterday. Felt off all day. Counseling was totally consumed by this D/Robin thing. Picked out From Hell for movie time with Johnny Depp. Hoping Dee doesn’t get so down it is ruined again. Been a long time we had a decent viewing. No response about a shower. I’m not sure I can handle it well. Got a Xmas card fr om a long ago friend who has no idea about what has happened to me in ears. Always says we will get together but never does. Same thingvf this year am replying briefly why it won’t happen. Don’t really want a visit to hear about the letter peoples put in cards I never read. Successful movie night. Hope sleep goes better. 💕 to all.

I talked to Dee first thing yesterday morning. Said enough is enough. I will not be criticized for my normal activities. She herself said many times my iPad was my lifeline to the world. I have always put it down when we have something to talk about. That I won’t do that anymore to talk about heavy subjects before bed. That I never have never, ever commented or judged anything she was doing when she is by herself. She says she gets it, but I never know. Just have to stand firm and consistent. Free myself. If she doesn’t partake in movie time, so be it. I’m done. Missed my chance getting a shower yesterday because of the oxygen delivery which Dee said she’d handle after I told my aide no. Couldn’t get her back. Now it’s Friday. It’s never simple. If I hadn’t needed the tanks, it would be done and over. Now I have to call about aDTV remote, get rid of all excess insurance on Steve’s van and my SS payments not matching a letter I have. Probably kicks in 2023. I'd talk more but yesterday was more draining than I expected and living them again before having to do so again today is enough. It was interesting I thought it was Saturday the past half hour. 🤪

We knew the Seahawks weren’t going to win. But we hyng in there. Now it’s official unless some other team messes up which is doubtful. We could use the positive vibe. Hell of a day. Very rainy and windy. I had a lot of med calls and confusion in them. Was trying. to sort out s ome double billing with Best Buy which took forever on hold and then cut off. Loud Xmas music on hold. Got dropped during the call. Rep never called back like they say they will. Power went out. Found out my spare oxygen was drained. Couldn’t get little bottles that were in the garage needing power to open t. Getting full big canisters today. Dee's driving me crazy about some nail cream she can’t find that she claims I told her to move. Also upset with me about something else too but won’t tell me…….yet. I only have been told it has to do with me but not what I can do as I've told her she can be too cruel which is true. So now it’s late and I need some down time alone before bed. I can’t fight an invisible foe.

I couldn’t take beeps either. Tried it where they. start soft getting louder even Nope. Now its just finding a volume that doesn’t scare the bejeezus out of me. I wish it didn’t have so many pills to take so I could get up when I wanted or had to. Those days are long gone. Great present, Karen!

This is so very normal. People not in this kind of grief cannot understand it. That makes sense. Everyone I know can connect on losing other family. Some deeply, some not. All normal too. Dee wasn’t drinking last night. All that anger and pain she has caused me to wonder if we will survive. I’ve been dragged into a messed up situation with her and another woman’s drama with no choice. The woman is toxic. She’s proven herself as a liar and playing games, yet Dee falls back into them after a time. Stirs up her annoyances with me. I know any 2 people will have them, but not like this. We talked it over. Ways to it not escalating to the level of the night before. Still waiting for the. Holiday shows to end.

Found a Chinese place. SO expensive. We have food here but it’s the same stuff we ell.the time. Looked at the cost and vetoed it. Church had meals we didn’t know plus gift cars a person picked up for us, so have options. I do, Dee already ate and picked up the other stuff. I was very surprised the volunteers came out. Back to mild temperatures but now rain and high winds +coming. Nothing like back east tho. I really feel for everyone in the path of those storms. I called the on call surgeon. Now I'm being told not to walk as much as I have, or when it is painful. Well, that would be every time I stand up. Just keeps getting more complicated and confusing. Thought Dee and I were having a decent day, but I do something that annoys her in some way. Gets wearisome. Last night it was identical gift cards and I said we should put our names on each so we don’t delete the others by mistake. Seemed logical to me. She went bonkers about not caring about money. How that’s all I care about. Left 5 minutes into the and hasn’t been back. On the phone with someone. We were fine at dinner and after she had gone to talk to someone to end a relationship. She’s Been back being nice again. Have to get to sleep rituals. She’s pissed and shut her door. So be it.

Definitely no feeling of Xmas around here. No decorations at all. I know I'll never get used to my Santa being gone. Miss being Santa to him. Miss going out too. Basically, the happiness. The freedom. I hope there’s no power loss as well. Have enough challenges as it is. Really feeling the loss of my mom today. Miss getting her yellow roses for her birthday. Want to talk to her this year. My dad too. Want that feeling only a parent can provide. Found out JIBox is closed today! New policy. Gonna try for Chinese. Hope the place I found is. Calling first thing. Waiting to hear if I talk to Nina or she’s tied up with family. Hard to find anything to have on during the da. At least 3 channels are running A Xmas. Story all day long. Gonna be a hard day. Hope it’s somewhat peaceful for everyone. ❤️

Seattle is shut down except for cars. Buses not running, not even modified service when it snows. This is because of ice. Streets are ice. I doubt we will have trash, mail and recycle pick up. Only 10 planes have departed by 1pm. Ferries not running. Not many cars and lots of sirens. Heard a chunk of ice fall off the roof. My shower is canceled as my aide is stuck on the east side. of our huge lake in the upper city limits. Don’t know if the car door is unfrozen. Never seen it so bad. Finally got the Ford running. Don’t want a dead battery. Jumps will take forever when things start to thaw. TV is full of Xmas shows. The channels that don’t are running crap. I hate the silence. Dee can’t go for a walk so she’s restless. I’m going thru my recorded list and deleting a lot. Interests change as time passes. Expect for writing this, facing dinner, it’'s going to be al long night. Do have a good movie for later. Woke up after sleeping almost 7 hours without moving. Turned over for the short time left but couldn’t sleep. It’s obvious to me that I couldn’t live here without someone like Dee. My bath aide I truly like, but she’s gone for work at hours I need help more. She couldn’t be readily here if I called her . She’s brought up the possibility but I’ve told her this. Watched another older movie last night. Not dependent on special effects. Good plot and dialogue. Fewer of those now. Just harder. To find. Hard to believe it’s Xmas eve, also my mom’s birthday. We’ve decided Jack in the Box Xmas night like last year. Wild living! 💕 to all.

You and I have too much pain for a kind of decent day. I don’t know what doctors expect us to do. Just live with it? We do but the mental toll is so high. My not liking food much is from sitting pain and feeling awful after. Yours is your tongue. The result is the same. Misery. Plus your hands. Doctors have no idea how that feels as they don’t feel it. Let them try it a few days. Long talk with Dee first thing. She remembers absolutely nothing. I didn’t want to get into the details but she wanted to know what she did. So I relived it. I hard a hard time sleeping because she kept coming in my room to see if I was OK. I finally pretended I I was asleep so she would stop. Talked to my counselor about it and no chance of a cat til she can prove she can stay sober. I will not be saddled with t(at and slips together. She has to prove trust first. I’m m still facing letting Mel go to the life she's known for 16 months. It would be selfish of me to ruin that. She is getting older too and Tommy can lift her if/when needed. I’m so torn up it brings me to tears. I didn’t get to say goodbye as there was no reason to at the time. I feel I’m giving my child away and basically I am. It’s with the deepest of love but it damn hurts. My counselor said I have to keep that t in mind . I’m not ready. I have to take time. Find out about a shower today. Might skip it. Just too overwhelmed.

I already know the answer about Melody. I can’t uproot her from the home she knows now. I have to face that pain. Love her too much to uproot her to prove. It. Have to accept my age and hers (she will start needing vet help probably in a couple years) as she gets older. Tommy and Ellen are younger to handle a big dog She has a great, loving home. I don’t know how Dee will react to my saying no to a cat. Spent most of the afternoon trying to order a new cord for my iPad. Somehow ordered 2. Took calls that said it had to be done online or with a smartphone I don’t have. Stumbling around the site I found my order and canceled one. If it doesn’t show in a week I’ll order it again. Got a message to make an appointment with oncology. Have no idea why. Not doing that. Dee was acting drunk last night after a walk to the store, when she usually changes if she drinks. She denies it, we discussed it many times. She said see you tomorrow which means she won’t help me go to bed. That’s another tell. Fortunately I have counseling today. I replied to Jinny I really needed it today. Have no idea what I will wake up to. I expect no sympathy on this from anyone.

I don’t know what to do about pain meds. I hate to have to take any meds at all. I know they have messed me up in so many ways all this time. They have made the depression worse and tore up my digestion. Required me to have to use Mirilax that I never needed. All reminders of how much my life is over. I'm totally in knots. Dee brought up bringing Melody home. It’s something always ion my mind. Now I am consumed by it. She think’s having a pet would be good for our mental health and I do agree with that. Or she thinks we should get a cat. I don’t like cats. So that is out for me. I’m totally not prepared to give Mel to Tommy and Ellen. Now i have to talk to my counselor, cousin and Tommy. I told Dee this is going to take a long time for me. I’ve been so wrapped p in the disability I could keep it at bay. She said it would stop the drinking slips and I find that unfair pressure. Also I know Mel is in a great life. I can’t use her for either of us. Need to try and sleep. See how this affects us day to day. I'm very angry right now. 😰

I don’t know how I’d approach another shrink regarding medication. I think asking about that would be viewed as drug seeking behavior. It i s and they are the ones that dispense it. My concern is them talking to this guy and his. Influence and changes he made that messed things up combined with the oxycodone. That has caused so much trouble since entering the picture. It’s going to be there a. long time too. Called my insurance about a Cologuard test. Should be covered over a colonoscopy. Have to get that ordered. Updated my iPad operating system that took forever. Finally got in without a fingerprint as that wouldn’t work. Haven’t set up my iPad for updating my T Mobile account. I spent a very long time trying to do it by phone last week. The store supposedly fixed it. Dee and I are burned out for the day. Will tend to that today. Can’t find a key for Steve’s van so I don’t know how we will get it open for a jump. The fob requires the battery. Will have to call the dealership as I can’t find one in the house. I know there is one. Don’t carry any keys in my purse anymore. Started snowing big time last night. Can’t say yet what we’ll wake to. I’m guessing I’ll lose TV as the dish will be covered. No temps above freezing for a week. Good movie time. Doing a couple Yellowstone's tonight. Have my brownie treats for after dinner. Calls to make. Off to bed routines. The nothingness that w ill be broken by conscious. Biggest hope is finding a glasses source. Reading would be so great..

My dad went downhill fast when he lost his dog. He had nothing left since his car was taken prior. I think he did some treatment, but stoped. I could never handle a large dog now as far as walking. Mel and I never did that. I think who she’s with take her for very short ones. She hates cars in every way so doubt she would like them. Got my RX's from the shrink. I’m figuring about 2=3 more months and he won’t prescribe anymore and he is useless to me. Will be a relief to me regarding him, but no one to turn to. I’m not sure how things will go with the oxycodone going forward with my doctor. It sure is messing up my thinking. I’ve been making things too complicated switching between DVD and recorder shows. No more of that. TodayI need to make calls about the newspaper, a med test, med insurance and my fri**ing glasses. The progressive is going to be the tricky part. I don’t want to change glasses all the time. Church meal was OK. Burger, chicken and lots of sandwiches. Covered for lunch for the week. Hope all slept well.👀🙂🛌

Woke up to rainy snow which ended shortly after. Very ark and breezy. Got a package with lots of brownies from my cousin. Need to cal my thank you as she rarely turns on her computer. She’s hard to talk to being a fixer. Going to share them with people that give us treats. I couldn’t eat a whole one as it is. Sure was nice of her to do. Dee made scrambled eggs for lunch. Haven’t had any since rehab and actually warm. Nice change. Fought with T Mobile for a long time as i'm locked out of my account online. Still am but it was time to quit. When you’ve talked to 2 agents, been dropped to start over and gone thrU procedure 10 times, best to walk away for the day. Dee’s taking the phone n to get them to set the account up.. Talk to Nina today. Church meals. Will probably be sandwiches. Think we may get gift cards from them. Been thinking take out Mexican. Haven’t had any in a long time. Started There With Be Blood which is. great and.slipping into some Yellowstone at TV time. in a OK, I’ve depleted my small talk. Hard to believe Xmas is so close. 💕 to all.

It’s just Dee, me and the parakeets. No decorations. Oping to have something to watch that is not holiday based or something thats run a gazillion times on Direct TV. No special food. Basically, Christmas means nothing to us losing our partners. Nor do we have other ties but good memories that hurt too much now. Woke up to light snowing. Dark and grey now. Plain old depressing. Weather fits the mood. used to love the lights. Would find places for them all over. Helped with the grey. I tried them a few years. I was mobile the n. You’re post hit me, Karen. I so miss my dog. That would feel so good. I have so many of Steve’s post its from me to him. A drawer of cards and notes to me. I don’t look at them, doubt I ever will. Some things you just have to know are there.

I love Judge Judy. She’s quick, smart and up front with her feelings. I’ve learned a lot listening to her. Pretty unique for a silly reality show. Been feeling so sick to my stomach with all the pills. I’ve got to start having some crackers. See how that effects shitting the bathroom. What crazy things to have to do. Had my shower and it was awkward and tough as always. Didn’t dare eat much of anything after. Trying to keeping my eyes open after my meds after the surgery assessment center news. I’m thinking of trying to drop some Xanax til movie time. Finally heard back from the surgeon that I'm not doing anything that is hurting myself more. That is good and bad. Bad for meaning the pain won’t change for the good. Also talked to my shrink and he’s dead set on getting me off the meds he had prescribed. That’s when we-part part ways. I’ll likely not find anyone so glad I have a decent stash. Up too late to make bedtime.

We all are winding up the victims of old age. Not something we can be cured of. I had a very brief moment yesterday morning of still being very bent over but no pain. I could find some way of living with that. But that doesn’t matter as it won’t happen. Home nurse has been discharged. Didn’t know it was a short term program. I guess I don’t need them right now. It can be restarted if needed. I think it’s another feeling of loss. Keeps happening even with stuff I’m not even into. Maybe contact with people that I crave. Shower today and waiting to hear from my shrink I would like to cancel. I know I’ve said how much I dislike hi. I literally wouldn’t call 911 if he needed help for how he treats clients. He should know what it feels like. I don’t know why he is making my med changes so cruel. Watching Judge Judy and Wheel in between the Seahawks game as we are already beaten. All I’m looking forward to is movie time. Last Daniel Day Lewis movie t before he retired. I told mr counselor about my harmful thoughts every day. Se knows better than to report it. She knows me and how I will get done what I want. I hate feeling so boxed in. I’m still trying to figure out how to handle the holiday feelings. I’d love to hear how others are doing. The nurse yesterday mentioned about the dog bed and toys then showed me me a picture of his gorgeous lab mix. It tore me up. Any of our dogs or pinpointed things opens channels to so many others. On Judge Judy last night she referred to a tree being planted 30 years ago as a little thing and how huge it would be now. Found it a good a good analogy.

I’m having a tough time today after last night. Dee drank again so another talk after getting up. She remembers zip. It was living it again to talk about it. It makes me see how dependent I am on her to not wind up in a nursing home. Also for love in my life. She’s the only consistent one. Sent email to my surgeon about this spinal fracture. I don’t know why I have repeatedly ask. It’s a simple question. I tell him what I’m doing and am I doing anything I shouldn’t? Didn’t *get much done beyond paying a bill and try to put together all the changes the shrink made. That baffled me &or a long time. I have to call him and the RX's don’t make se sense. Have counseling today. I don’t know if it will help. So many issues and pain. Are eat lunch? Call about a shower? I just want to curl up and fade away. Have to make big decisions on what side to sleep on til I switch in a few hours. This is what life has come down to? I can’t even think of anything to say. Just feel gross, losing nails, teeth not professionally cleaned in almost 2 years, addicted more to nicotine lozenges, pain and anxiety meds. No temp but clammy ant hot. Doc talking about dropping estrogen so menopause kick in. Off to bed. 😓

It’s like Dee said. Can’t have anything back and, to me, the memories are tarnished and too painful. I’ve even abandoned the Griinch and Peanuts. Music is definitely out for me too. I can’t wait til the Xmas movies are over. That movie I can’t stand. I hear a lot of hissing and booing on that. There’s something about the narration in it that grates on me. Used to love the G.C. Scott and Patrick Steward ones and the few comedies. Scrooged and National Lampoon. I expected a better day, but Dee ruined that. She’s in a tough position about her van and car, but worse with mental problems. Til shortly after she got home physically, she was fine when she called in to say hi. She’s been hounding me all night analyzing everything that’s said. Can’t wait to go to bed and I normally dread that. Hoping i get to play my calming games first. Now she’s OK. Get a break today as it’s a CCenter day. Hounding my surgeon and contacting my shrink tog ay. That’s enough for a messed up day. I’m sure more will come. I’m' 'lucky' that way.

Kay…..Community Center. I’m trying to find out about the fractures. Also a bill with my CPA. So many balls in the.air. RX 's from my shrink I just noticed the instructions on that would have me in horrendous withdrawal I have to explain I haven’t done as there is withdrawal from two others. Why I have enough pills but it’s because I knew this and keot a staash I can’t tell him. I don’t like to lie. But this doctor that cut my anxiety meds really is harsh. Cruel. Problem with lies is they get too complicated. I feel bad about about myself. I had an appointment with my primary doctor and he’s at least in possession of compassion. I have yet to see how many pain pills he’s called in for January ye t tho. I was honest with him to. That I had made progress with cutting down on my own. Today I do a telemed with a new pulmonologist. Another messed up afternoon for eating. Sleeping as well. Forgot to talk to my doc about my eye thing. He’s pushing me to come in person. I should. Complicated or not, I’m just too discouraged. We're looking at days not even reaching freezing for highs. Just have to look at the rest of the rest of the northern country to see our complaints are feeble. Another day of watching reruns of reruns. I think the channels buy blocks of shows because I keep seeing the same ones. Well I’ve bored myself too. Sorry about that.

Wow, Dee. I can’t do anything related to the holidays. Music is a so very moving thing anytime. Holidays more so. Only for that time. Every morning the radio lays something from my listening life. I’ve tried other stations but they annoy me. Hate buzzers. The real problem is I don’t want to wake up at all. Got off track there. Doing cards and decorations too? You’re really facing this head on. I hope you share how it feels. We are each doing the opposite. You’re walking right into it and I’m trying to throw a blanket over it. Maybe you’ll find some comfort in the memories. I might be fearing something I shouldn’t. Personalities figure in too. Dee stayed home yesterday to watch the Seahawk game. Decided going to a bar wasn’t she didn’t want to. Small break for me with a Zoom call with Nina. I didn’t mind having sports on. I used the time to contact the surgeon about a follow up visit and if my painful walks are worsening the fractures found on the last X-rays. I’m probably being repetitive with him, but that’s what happens when you get tired all day and bad sleep. I’m never sure what is accomplished talking to Nina. She’s so very set calls end in 30 minutes or less. I told her about that feud Robin tried to start. Stay away from the boring medical stuff. Dee went and got Sunday dinner and had a big blowout with Robin so heard about that for a long time. Now going to watch TV till dinner and movie time.. I’m passing on some great looking corn on the cob because of my teeth. Usually cut it off, but don’t want 5o ask Dee to do more. There’s another one. Maybe on a night she didn’t have a fight with Robin. Today is 2 medical Zoom calls. Oh joy. Screws up lunch. But all the days are messed up. Church over loaded us with food. Donating half to another place. Hoping as always for decent sleep. Guess that’s a good sign. Really want to hear what the surgeon says about the fractures. I won’t be feeling the way when I wake up. Dee has been very clinging and I’m trying to keep her at bay. The blowup with Robin has really messed her up more. So weird to want painful sleep for some alone time. Glad it’s a CC day.

My bath aide could be from 15 to 30 miles away. Definitely not in walking distance like now. Bringing Melody home would absolutely upend her life now. I wouldn’t want to do that unless I was positive she could stay permanently here an that I don’t know. It just tears me up. Yesterday was a nothing day. Lots of thoughts of not wanting to be here as usual. Knowing they will never stop. Ive noticed a lot more silence 5he closer th e holidays get . It’ feels like a. survival dome over this place. I have to get it out. I hope it doesn’t make it worse for others. I hope we all get through without more pain than we always carry. I’ve already found more time means more pain. The reminders are so plentiful. I know we always carry it always, but I wish I could go somewhere with no relevance. Or at least the option to move this body anywhere.