Cookie

On ‎11‎/‎18‎/‎2017 at 12:01 PM, mittam99 said:

When Tammy died on March 6th 2015, the world I lived in changed forever. Any and all future plans were gone. In an instant everything was different.

From that moment on, I became a different man. Not entirely, I mean I'm still basically the same Mitch to most people. I put on a good show. But inside, I'm not the same. How could I be? I had one perfect best friend. One absolutely perfect for me wife. One person in my life who I knew loved me. One person who was always on my side and by my side. When Tammy died, I pretty much had no one and my emotions were instantly out of sync. The world, which I thought I had a pretty good grasp on, became foreign and painful to live in. That's when I just started "existing" and not living with the same zest and joy for life.

Tammy and I came together in 1999 via the internet. She was living her life in a small town in Illinois with her 3 year old daughter Katie. Me, I was in Maryland living the life of a confirmed bachelor believing I'd never find the right woman for me. Who would put up with me and all my quirks? Yet somehow, there was this instant connection. First in our writing and then in our sometimes all night phone chats. One night in particular, she read to me from Katie's book "Goodnight Moon" and I fell asleep clutching the phone to my ear. In mid-snore I awoke and Tammy was still on the line waiting for me. Over the months we talked (before her move with Katie to live with me in MD), we were clearly falling madly in love with each other. When we met at the airport for the first time and I saw her and touched her and kissed her... there was no doubt she was the one. And vice-versa.

Tammy never was blessed with good health. She was diagnosed with systemic lupus at 20. Her case was severe. Tammy lived a life of courage and strength facing health issues literally 24/7. Multiple cases of sepsis, cardiac arrest and too many life threatening infections and surgeries to count were a way of life. And yet somehow Tammy had a smile on her face and loved to laugh. I think my sense of humor was a big attraction for her.

Tammy and I were a team. We fought all the battles together. We truly were better together, that's no cliche. Having Tammy in my life made me a much better person and gave my life a sense of joy and fulfillment I never had experienced before.

And then Tammy died. At 45 years old. How unfathomable is that in this day and age? After coming home from another long hospital and rehab stay. Her mind was willing but her body succumbed to the ravages of her disease. When Tammy was rushed to the hospital on the last day of her life, I frantically followed in my car. I had just seen that man in the ambulance pounding on Tammy chest and she did not respond. My emotions at that moment were incomprehensible and inconsolable.

A doctor came to where I was sitting and told me Tammy had arrived unresponsive and that she had died. At that moment, I was gone too. Emotionally checked out. I sat with Tammy in the hospital's trauma room for hour after hour. I could not leave her. I could never leave her. She was me and I was her. After about six hours they told me I had to go and I understood they needed that room. I drove home and arrived at our house after 1 AM on the 7th. At that moment, the world went dark.

My life had no meaning. I had no purpose. No direction. I had no one who loved me and no one who wanted my love. I was there but I wasn't there. I'm sure you all know what I mean.

Time. I have no concept of time anymore. Some days, 24 hours feels like an eternity and then I look at the calendar and see it's been over 32 months since I lost my Tammy. How could that be? How has it been that long? How have I even survived?

And yet with all of this, I still have some inkling of hope. But my expectations have been lowered. It's not about hoping to find a new love and start a new life with someone else. That's not even part of my thinking. What I had with Tammy was a once in a lifetime moment. The hope I have is that somehow I will change my life into something that has some sense of fulfillment and a modicum of happiness to it. Right now, it's just a day to day moment to moment "to-do" list kind of life. I'm functional, but there's no joy to be found.

All of us know our lives will never be the same, it can't be. Life will never feel as good as it once did. But we all want to find a way to go beyond just existing. Beyond staring at the walls and marking off another day on the calendar. The problem is, figuring out how to accomplish that. And the path and ultimate goal is an individual thing. There's no "one size fits all" solution.

And so begins another day on this lonely (but still hopeful) journey...

Mitch

Mitch:  I was so touched by what you wrote...I can say that you truly spoke for me too so well.  It's so incredibly painful but true.  I also hope for a way to live without just existing...I guess if I didn't have that hope I wouldn't be here now.....

Gwen:  Happy late birthday....you're in my heart.  I know, it hurts.  A big hug just for you....Cookie

On ‎11‎/‎25‎/‎2017 at 7:32 AM, kayc said:

Cookie,

Adorable poodle, Oliver!  My Arlie is the world to me.  Not the greatest picture, but I just snapped this of him a couple of days ago.

Oh, he looks like a real sweetie....thanks for sharing

I just have this dull sadness for Thanksgiving that has just fallen to depression, crying....it will pass and cycle around again, though.  Had some nice company for the meal but being alone again after is such a hard part of this.  As an observer of myself, I'm always amazed at how normal I can seem on the outside when inside I'm dying it feels.  Is that the "fake til you make it" thing?  I really hate the holidays this year more than ever, 2 1/2 years later....I have the sweetest pup to walk, though...Olive the poodle, cream, and looks a lot like the brother she and I lost this April.  I am grateful for her....

On ‎11‎/‎22‎/‎2017 at 8:38 AM, kayc said:

Yes, I have to do everything.  I have a man I buy firewood from but I do the stacking, hauling, I shovel my driveway, 40' ramp, paths to the firewood and garbage, it is a lot in the winter.  Still looking for someone to hire for yardwork, couldn't do it last summer after my fall, I still can't kneel.  It was hard to let it go but I had no choice.  They guy I was going to hire died in a car accident.    Living in the country there aren't a lot of options sometimes.  I'd prefer to die here, but realistically, my family lives well into their 90s and I can't see me doing this when I'm 90, especially since I won't have any family around to help me.

Boy, you and I sound like we have a lot in common.  I do all that stuff too, but after my bee event had to hire out the yard maintenance for the rest of the year.  Don't know what I'll do next season....maybe get a bee suit.  It's true that it's hard to find people in the country and ones that will show up.  How big is your house and property?  Keep trying to figure out what my options will be in years to come....Cookie

I had so much fear and anxiety in the beginning, but even after 2 1/2 years it still cycles around, but not so constant.  I really hate it....takes me back to my childhood.  Wonder if one is ever free of it....Gwen:  The enemy is pretty big for me too.  Just when I think I'm going to master this (being able to stay in neutrality), here comes the old fear, anxiety and then sorrow quickly followed by depression.  It just cycles and cycles....that is what is so tiring.  Hugs to you...Cookie

18 hours ago, Gin said:

Can I join you in your neighborhood?

Please...wouldn't that be great?  When I leave here I would love to live in a community of like-minded people.....

2 hours ago, kayc said:

You are wise.  Give it time.  In the beginning I couldn't imagine ever moving, this was the place we shared together.  Now I realize I don't have to hang onto a "place" to remember him, he is inside of me.  But it took a long while to get there.  I realize that when I am in my 80s and 90s I may not be able to shovel snow and haul/stack firewood.  I may not want to drive on ice/snow.  I may need to move to a simpler living situation.  And that will mean leaving this place we shared together, the place we love, and this is where his ashes are scattered.  That's okay, I gave my kids strict instructions to scatter my ashes here too someday and that will have to be a condition if/when this place is ever sold.

Thanks Kayc...John built this house and loved this property; that is one of the problems of leaving it.  It was the last thing he did with his hands.  His ashes are also spread here....but, it's a lot to take care of; so far, so good.  The getting older part is what I'm so aware of.  I am 68, still very active, but I know that will change with time.  So, do you do all the work yourself too?  The carrying wood, yardwork, etc.?  I know you don't need the place to remember, but the attachments are so real...breaking them hurts.  Hugs to you.....Cookie

On ‎11‎/‎19‎/‎2017 at 9:34 AM, Marg M said:

Time is too long to count.  Results the same.  He is gone.  He is not coming back.  Would like to know when I will see him again.  Sometimes even after two years, I think I hear him in the other room.  He used to get so angry if I thought we should stop and ask directions.  He would say "I'm not lost, I just don't know where I am."  I said, Billy, that is the same thing, different words.  So, he is not gone, he is just not here right now.  But I will join him.

Marg:  I love that idea....just not here right now.  Think I will start trying to look at it that way.  You have such a great way of characterizing things...wish you were my next-door neighbor....love Cookie

Yes, it is wrenching to have to hear about everyone's plans for the holidays with loved ones.  I know these people really don't know how it hurts to hear (I used to be one); it's something about myself I don't like now, feeling bad because someone else is happy.....how to overcome it?  I live in a very rural area in the mountains of NC and am surrounded by couples...John and I loved living here just because it was so country and there were many other couples around...I can't move right now, but I don't want to run away either....I would like to come to some peace about this before I take that next big step whatever it will be.....God, this is hard stuff....

On 11/11/2017 at 2:23 PM, Janka said:

For my beloved man Jan,

 

from the bottom of my heart...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNyKDI9pn0Q

            Forever,

            Janka

 

Just watched this....crying....

Two and a half years for me on Dec 13th (my birthday)....but I realize as I look ahead, it's a lifetime......

On 11/16/2017 at 11:12 AM, TomPB said:

I hit the lottery with Susan, and I knew it, but didn't know it as much as I do now! Every day brings a new realization of her wonderfulness, and the pain of the loss.

 

The days are short and dark
There will be no Christmas cookies this year
No shopping for chocolate chips
For flour and sugar
No Susan deploying her bowls and plastic sheet
The smell
The kitchen full of freshly baked delights
Her handing me one along with a huge smile

There won’t be a night when I notice
Susan unpacking the Christmas decorations
I was a Scrooge but miss that warmth so much
Would hang a decoration or two
PB always with the Panda ornament
We’d decorate the jade plant with little lights
And put our presents around it
Last year she knitted me a Panda
Her first attempt, was not quite right
We called him Panda Dog
Now he sits by the picture where I meditate
And try to call my Susan back to me
Like I tried while giving her CPR

This year the Sunday after Thanksgiving at Jack’s
We won’t cook our own Turkey
Doing everything together
Susan the aluminum foil expert
Covering the bird to perfection
The aromas
Collecting the juice for gravy
And apple pie with sparkling cider
But forgetting to dot the apples with butter
And having to open it up again
Congratulating ourselves
Then weeks of turkey
Dinners, sandwiches, in pasta, pot pies
Susan loved turkey  a la King
With green peas her favorite vegetable.

What will I do?
Cook a chicken for myself?
Arrange the lights for myself?
With memories launching waves of grief every step?
Do I want to be here at all?
The days are short and dark
There will be no Christmas cookies this year
 

Tom PB:  What you wrote really hit home for me.  I feel the same, loss at every turn....hurts so much...holidays can be so brutal for people like us who have lost the most important person.  I'm just waiting for it to be over.  Hugs to you and everyone...Cookie

On 11/15/2017 at 6:27 PM, Janka said:

Dear Gwen!

What could I say after 6 long years alone?I know how you feel.I also have no family or children...I even have no animal,except my 70 plush toys looking at me from "my" bed that used to be "our" bed...I bring my little plush rat everywhere I go...I still feel the kisses of my beloved Jan on him...We always used to go everywhere together...me,Jan and rat Pepko with us...that´s why I couldn´t be without him anymore...The 11th of November was his anniversary that I spent at home...I even refused to go to work on the significant day...The moment belonged to my beloved Jan only...Though I feel him rarely here as time passes by,on that day he came...I felt him so strong as I had used to do before and I cried again...No matter how much time goes by,it always hurts so much...it´s harder all the more that it always comes unexpectedly,therefore it hurts even more at that moment...even though it lasted for a few minutes only,the pain was horrible...I was crying loud and couldn´t stop the tears at all...that´s what the pain does to me,although a few years have passed by...In the beginning of December it´s gonna be 11 years since we met for the 1st time...I remember how we went together to see the Christmas markets then...we ate ice cream and laughed like never ever before...It always puts a smile on my face,though it still hurts and always will...The memories are the tyrants,they come back and make us a torture sometimes...Therefore I stopped doing many things I had used to do earlier...It hurt too much...However there´re still the things I can´t be without and they make me smile...I do them every day and night,even after 6 years...No one can replace my beloved man Jan,but I don´t wanna swim in the lake of my tears all the time...I don´t wanna lose the common sense and my beloved Jan wouldn´t have wanted it as well...He never wanted to see me sad...His most radiant smile always took everything bad away...I had the best man in my life and I must go on somehow...I still don´t know how,but I try...we all on here try as much as possible...We´re the heroes who survived it all,and yet we still have so much to give to each other...love,comfort and support...that makes our present life more bearable and happier place to be...

This way I wanna thank to every one person who has helped me on here somehow by now...

With love Janka

Love to you Janka....six years isn't really very long in the big picture.  A lifetime won't be long enough for me.  I think it seems harder to bear the more time that passes since John has been gone; I miss him more not less.  I've read a book by Megan Devine called "It's okay that you're not okay."  It was helpful for me in the sense that I always have thought I should be doing better, hurting less after 2 1/2 years, but this book puts things in a better perspective, talking about it being a process of fashioning a life alongside your grief, because let's face it, we're never going to miss that special person less.  Fondly, Cookie

3 hours ago, Gin said:

My doc visit was a bit of a disappointment.  He thinks that MAYBE it will resolve itself.  Good?  Well, during his neurological exam, he said my reactions (hitting knee with hammer,  squeezing his hands, etc) were exagerated.  Said it was a sign of spinal cord issues in neck.  Have to get another MRI of neck and come back in 2 weeks.  Then he would send me to pain clinic (why wait 2 weeks?) to get injections and physical therapy.  Claimed the back should get ok.  The neck is not so easy.  They operate thru front of neck (hopefully) and separate a couple of vertebrae, placing a spacer in and metal plate.   No thanks.  I am 78 and live alone.  The only "symptom" I have indicating the neck issue is not being able to open jars!  Every oldster I know has trouble opening jars.    Next will be balance and finally not being  able to dress myself.   I played his game getting another MRI,  but I will take the injections and physical therapy.  Neck can wait.

So, back to pain killers and limping around for a few more weeks.  They want to leave the back alone if it is starting to heal on its own.  It is better than 4 weeks ago.

So sorry Gin.  I don't blame you about being nervous about that neck surgery.  It is so hard to try and make these decisions.  I just am getting through a meniscal tear in my knee.  At first it looked like surgery might happen, but it's improved so much.  I do believe in the power of the body to heal itself....Thinking of you, Cookie

20 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I am caught in a strange land again.  A little over a week ago was Steve's death date and tomorrow is his birthday.  

People keep asking me if I am going to do something special.  Driving me crazy.  Make his favorite dinner?  Bake a cake?  Release a dozen doves.  Feh.  I have lit a candle for him every night since he died.  It's all I can do, my energy is so sapped and my  head so messed up caught between worlds.

Sobbing has returned.  I hate it.  No interest in anything.   Just watching the minutes tick by.  Since daylight savings ended, this far north it is. dark by almost 5pm an will only get worse til the solstace when it will be about 4pm.  Truly a cold and horrible time of year for all this.  Happy happy joy joy holidays ads and decor is everywhere too.

Gwen:  My heart goes out to you.  John's BD was yesterday and even thought it's been 2 1/2 years, it was as painful as ever if not more.  I cried all day, felt like I was losing this battle to stay the course and keep going.  I had all the talks with myself that try to keep me looking forward, but it was of no use.  Today is better, still in pain but it's more manageable.  People say do something special, but I have to say it almost makes it hurt worse because I crave for him to be doing whatever it is with me.  Take care, Cookie

On 11/1/2017 at 10:18 AM, kayc said:

Marg,

You are a dear.  I wrote off all of the "friends" that weren't.  When George died, I figured it wasn't about them, it was about me and what I had to live with and when my "friends" disappeared, two of my best friends not even bothering to attend his funeral, others with their hands out...what??!!!  But you, you are considering their feelings.  Twelve years later, they're long gone.  I want friends that are reciprocal and caring, where we can BE THERE for each other.  Otherwise, I'm not interested, don't waste my time.  I've always been that friend to others, I expect nothing less in return.  I wish you well, you're a very caring person.

Loved that Marg about being on different sides of the bridge.  You are a poet, did you know that?  Hey, your country looks like my country here in Western North Carolina....beautiful!

On 11/4/2017 at 5:58 PM, Gwenivere said:

Having one of those days when everything is a frustration.  I was trying to set up my new health care insurance link online and it said I had.  I had been holding off till I had an ID number.  Somehow in have an account and it is now locked out from too many tempts to log in.  It wouldn't even let me create a new one.  Being the weekend, there is no customer or tech support.  Now I am all frustrated and stressed out because of the grief weight on top of it.  So many things I could let go of when Steve was here as he would say 'let it go and deal with it later'.  Can't seem to do that for myself.  So another attempt at a calm day down the drain.  

So sorry Gwen.  What you're talking about is very frustrating and grief does make it just that much worse.  I find myself having much less patience than I used to especially when dealing with techie things, and it all seems so meaningless in the face of having lost your most special person....a little like an unusual torture.....

26 minutes ago, scba said:

Checking in.

Yes, so much going on in my head, in my brain and all the rest.

I've been watching "sad movies" over the weekend. Joan Didion wrote:

"Visible mourning reminds us of death, which is construed as unnatural, a failure to manage the situation.

“A single person is missing for you, and the whole world is empty,” Philippe Ariès wrote to the point of this aversion in Western Attitudes toward Death.

“But one no longer has the right to say so aloud.” 
― Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking

 I've a strong headache today but came to work the same. I'm such a fool. Maybe I didn't want to stay at home alone with my mind racing. 

Checking in and find comfort in being able to come here and share with everyone.....hugs to all

On 11/4/2017 at 5:45 PM, Brad said:

Cookie,

I, also, can relate.  I avoid social situations because I feel so much more alone when I'm in them.  I much prefer the company of those of us who are grieving; to them I can relate; with them I can talk; with them I feel understood and appreciated.  With others, they cannot understand and most really are not interested in trying.  For me, it is worth the four hour drives to spend time with someone who does understand.  I'd rather do that than go out with couples who don't.

I agree, Brad.  I definitely am preferring the company of other grievers....where you can be heard and listen; as simple as that and worth everything....

On 11/4/2017 at 8:29 PM, Autumn2 said:

I have a necklace my hubby gave me with three diamonds...yesterday, today, tomorrow. Cannot wear it any more. There is no today or tomorrow.

Oh my gosh, that was a beautiful gesture from him, Autumn....it all hurts so much...

On 11/4/2017 at 4:25 PM, iPraiseHim said:

Cookie, I definitely understand and feel the same way at times.  I signed up for "and lived happily ever-after".  Alas, for all of us here, life has not turned out that way.  I have learned that "FEELINGS" are not always the facts but they do eventually lead me to the truth. 

On some days, I almost feel " normal" not like before but a new kind of normal.  I'm still reminded daily there is no longer "WE" in the physical sense but there still is in the mental/spiritual realm.  Sometimes, I feel like I am vacillating in three different worlds at the same time (past;present;future).  This grief healing work is a strange dance indeed.

I have had to face some new realities lately but that's okay.  It's kind of like life... It doesn't always turn out like we plan in our minds.

 

... I'm still fixated on the idea that you have to get three shots for bee venom allergies.. UGH!   I hate shots... even bee stings!  Praying you will find something to look forward to and hope for on your grief healing journey.  - Shalom, George

 

George:  I could really relate to the phrase "vacillating in three different worlds."  So strange isn't it?  Yes, three shots, four times in two hours, but I think it's worth it.  It will take 2 months once a week, then maintenance shots spread out much further.  Can't live being afraid of bees as I am outdoors as much as possible and don't want to lose that comfort.  It's definitely been a challenge with a fear of bees lately; it seems like there have been an over-abundance of them in these NC mountains this year....thanks for your thoughts, Cookie

Dave:  Thanks for sharing...it is so comforting to know I'm not alone (but for such a horrible reason)...I'll be thinking of you.  Don't know what I'm going to do yet; belong to Ubuntu (a community singing group) and may go ahead and go sing.  John was a musician.  He and our children all played instruments and sang and I didn't...now, I find myself in this singing group and think he would be quite amused by it.  The music does lift my heart. 

I've started feeling like a "stranger in a strange land."  It's been almost 2 and 1/2 years since John died, and although there are times when things are okay, a lot of times I feel like I just don't fit anywhere anymore.  I don't think anyone on the outside of me sees this feeling I have, but it's almost surreal.  I went for my weekly bee venom allergy shot and there were three couples in the waiting room.  This takes about 2 hours...I get a shot, wait 30 minutes, get another shot, wait another 30 minutes.  The other three people there for the same thing all had their spouse accompanying them and then there was me....boy, I came out of there feeling so out of body.  Watching the loving and familiar exchanges between these couples for so long was unbelievably painful, like holding my feet over the fire.  I don't begrudge anyone their love, but it is so hard to witness others with the very thing that you are missing so much.  So, it's left me with residual wondering where I fit in this life if anywhere.....I know I will get back to some center, as do again and again, but wonder if this fragility will ever end....Cookie

On 10/29/2017 at 5:20 PM, Gwenivere said:

Anniversaries and special days used to be good ones.  Now I have one date that casts a shadow over an entire year and taints the others.   I know I got thru the 2 previous ones because of dwindling protection of the truth.  None this year.  It's so frigging real.  This is it.  Forever in this life....alone.  Because his body died today, everything looks and feeels different.  It's surreal he was ever here, tho his stuff is still around.  I want to scream and sob but it will do no good.  Changes nothing.  So hard waking today with things I wanted to run past him and oh yeah, not an option.  I see this is more than outsiders not having experienced this, but not having experienced the unique relationship we each had.  Look how we all adapt in different ways.  It's a two fold whammie.  Beautiful day here, my eyes see it.  My heart is in the dark.

My heart truly goes out to you, Gwen, and all of us.  Coming up on what would have been John's 72nd birthday on Nov 8th.  I actually wondered why I was having a hard time in the last few days...irritable, feeling hopeless, lost again.   It still hurts so much, so I think I can relate....I agree that all these significant days seem harder.  Hugs to you....Cookie