Cookie

Brad...so sweet, your granddaughter.  Could hardly get through listening to that song....

Oh Gin, 16 years, any years with someone you are truly connected to is everything....

On ‎01‎/‎01‎/‎2018 at 5:52 AM, scba said:

I came to the conclusion that from all the dates I fear, new year's eve is the worst. I had a horrible evening, have accepted an invitation I knew I shouldn't ). I could feel my heart breaking into and more and more pieces during the evening. Witnessing other's people joy, smiles and happiness made me feel worse, there was a moment when I wanted to stand up and leave the place. I did not.

The hosts were a young couple, watching them I imagined us in their place. I usually don't do that, but it is happening frequently now. I picture myself and him on situations I know will never take place

I felt I belonged to another planet, I could not connect with what was going on around me and I could not stop the storm of grief that was arriving. I was scared to loosing it and when I walked home when the party was over, feeling cold and being wet, I asked to the sky: how did I end up here?

I cannot open facebook, I did not reply many messages of good wishes. 

I feel the acute pain of the early days, and it scares me, I thought that kind of pain had changed and was part of the past , but it has not.

 God, how am I going to survive this life of grief and pain? How could this be your work? I was only loving someone with all my heart and wanted to be happy....

This too shall pass.

Scba:  I feel much the same.  New Year's was much sadder than Christmas, and after all this time I keep wondering the same thing, "how am I going to survive this life of grief and pain."  It feels like I'm doing time.......hugs to you, Cookie

Just now, Gin said:

Al told me several times, "You got the raw end of this deal".  I always said that we were partners and I did not consider him a burden.  I sure hope he believed  me.  I would do anything to have my "burden" back!

Oh Gin, John kind of said the same things to me at the end.  He felt so bad that I was having to go through this, and I could only say that he was the one suffering so much.  I also would do anything to have my "burden back."  It was not a burden.  Taking care of him was a privilege and honor and he was so gracious.  Hugs to you......Cookie

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Panic and anxiety are overlooked symptoms of grief.  I read an article that said anxiety should be a stage of grief because it is so prevalent.  I think both Marg and I can attest to that.  I don’t know how often when in emotional throws I feel I cannot breathe which causes panic.  Many write how they wake up in the middle of the night gripped by something more than normal nervousness.  There is a huge brain/gut connection too.  Digestion is so drastically changed for me.  Some is I don’t eat as healthy as I did when I cooked actual meals, but it’s mostly the despair that always there even when we think it’s asleep.  I also think not feeling like we fit in the world anymore is a big factor.  I am places everyday, but I feel invisible or watching from the outside now.  One time I ran into a woman I hadn’t seen in forever and her husband had just died.  Think she was 3 months into it.  She told me she now understood what I had been going thru and echoed what we all have felt, the imagining doesn’t even come close to the reality.  Unfortunately it distressed her I was still in such pain being so much further along.  All I could do is say......my path is not your path.  But.....be prepared for all the advice you will be given and people moving on.  Beware the fixers who really are doing it more for themselves as we scare them.  We represent thier fears it will happen someday.  It becomes a time you choose very carefully who you talk with and learn to recognize when some get tired of hearing about it and you lose more outlets, but not to blame them either.  It may hurt to see, but give them thier time while they have it with thier partners.  I have become a good actor feigning happiness for others.  I want them to have it.  It’s just so hard to walk away back to the loneliness.  

Gwen:  I agree with the anxiety becoming a more recognized stage.  I guess I was slightly prone to anxiety before John died, but nothing on this scale.  Since he's died, that has been my primary problem....and I also agree that it somehow comes out of that feeling of not fitting in, being on the outside looking in, etc.  For 2 years I woke up every morning with horrible anxiety, and now I get up right away and get busy.  They come out of nowhere it seems.  I guess there are triggers everywhere that you aren't even aware of.  I had quite a bit of anxiety this New Year's and I think it had to do with knowing I was that much further away from him in time.  Thought it was supposed to get better with time (that's what everyone says).  Well, that's not true. 

On 12/30/2017 at 5:56 PM, TomPB said:

Yeah, what's the point without Susan?  I was all about loving and caring for her. Then, to make her loss even more cruel, with no warning that she was in a dangerous condition, I just sat in the living room while she died. If a Dr had given us the slightest hint, I would have never left her side, or been up in a nanosecond when I heard the water go on.

Couples. There is a woman in my meditation group who rests her hand on her husband. Couples walking with the woman holding the man's arm like Susan held mine. Couples snuggling on the train. Couples discussing their holiday plans, confident that their partner will be alive. Everything that I had and took for granted. My grief counselor talks about this and says to hope for "compassionate joy" but I'd be happier to see them fighting.

I have to say I'm right there with you TomPB.....Cookie

11 hours ago, Janka said:

Fireworks 2018...

With love Janka

Wow, so cool!  Thanks, Janka....

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Half a leftover ham and Swiss sub, potato chips and a Breaking Bad marathon on AMC.  Wild times here in Seattle.  Odd that the holiday has meaning as it never did before.  We’d only notice if there were firecrackers at midnight.  Just another reminder of happy times for others.  I do wish them a good night.  Turned down a party because......well, I don’t fit.  

But to those that do feel some spirit.......🍷🥂🍕🎼🎉🎊

Not much spirit here.  Sat up last night and watched the ball drop, then said "Happy New Year's" to my dog....so aware of John being so gone.  The bottom did not fall out, but just a baseline sadness as usual.  I also didn't feel celebratory, as in parties.  It's such a couple's holiday.  We never did much other than having a nice dinner together, John would play his guitar or harmonica, and we would watch the ball drop together and always kiss and tell each other how lucky we were to be together.  Wishing for peace in this new year for myself and all of you....Cookie

I'm comforted to read here that I'm not the only one who talks to my precious one.  I had said that he feels near sometimes, but on the flip side always so far away at the same time.  It is the strangest thing and so I always feel this bittersweet feeling.  He's just always in my head anyway whether I'm consciously talking to him or not.  Miss him, miss him, miss him so much!   

On 12/26/2017 at 8:19 PM, Janka said:

Dear Cookie,

I´m sorry to hear that!It happened to me lately after I found out CD with pics of me and my beloved man.It had fallen down behind the furniture in the bedroom and has been there 6 long years.I still can´t watch them,maybe one day I will.I was crying like at the beginning too.It lasted for a few minutes though,but it hurt immensely.Fortunately the moments like that are rare nowadays,but all the more it hurts then.I´ve had a peaceful Christmas full of joy now and did my best to do not cry as much as I used to do before.It works and this Christmas is the least painful for me since my beloved Jan died.I take it for a progress anyway.I also feel the same as you sometimes,but I try so hard to figure it out,otherwise I can´t go on,and I have to.Life still may be beautiful and we need to make it happen.

With love Janka

You're so right Janka.  We do need to make it happen if we can.  I just think this is a long, long process, longer than most would imagine.  I've been reading some about brain science.  They talk about how we have all these neural pathways to this person we loved love and loved us. It takes a long time to rewire all this....not that it will ever be complete, but at least you can create new pathways to other love and pleasures....this makes sense to me, I guess because of the science of it.  You strike me as such a hopeful and beautiful person.....hugs, Cookie

On ‎12‎/‎24‎/‎2017 at 10:50 PM, Marg M said:

I never expected to feel this way, and like I say Billy never believed in the supernatural at all.  He has been gone 26 months now, but sometimes I feel his presence for just an unmeasured moment and I know that it is just remembering he was with me every day for 54 years and it is only natural to feel he is close.  Even knowing he is gone, it does not stop that from happening.  I realize it is just feeling he was there.  Sometimes it is like I forget where I am and am back in the house, for a moment I forget.  But, he was never in this apartment.  No weird feelings, just a natural feeling that he is near.  I cannot see him.  I'm not that "far gone" that I would even say a word.  (Although I talk to him often.  He does not answer.)

My daughter brought a picture of the both of us laughing, a close up.  She had it made to a bigger picture.  I set it in front of his urn.  I accept the moment of nearness and know it is not psychic........maybe psycho, I would not doubt that, but I would not give it up either.  

I still say my prayers before I start reading.  I talk to Billy and Jesus and not necessarily in that order.  Probably both at once.  I think they understand.

Marg:  I also get that feeling that maybe John is here...but nothing concrete.  I always think it's wishful thinking on my part....but, hey, if it works....I would like to think he is here, but then I get mad because I think, well if he's here why doesn't he show himself....then I think I am really losing it.  Oh boy.  I talk to him a lot and the universe....

On ‎12‎/‎25‎/‎2017 at 8:10 AM, kayc said:

Cookie, 

It's good to hear from you and am glad your knee surgery is behind you, now the recovery and I hope that goes well.  Take good care of yourself, I hope you're not alone.

Kayc:  Thanks for the well wishes.  My daughter has been helping me but she's pretty reclusive at times.  I am one of those type A personalities when it comes to physical activities, so I'm my own worst enemy....trying to balance this out.  The problem is, you don't always have good guidelines to follow...they say as tolerated, but that could mean anything, so struggling with that.  It was just arthroscopic, so I'm thinking all will be well regardless.  I know, I'm just being pitiful....all will be well.....good wishes to you....Cookie

I don't know, Brad, about the "big boy pants."  I was told I needed to put my "big girl pants" on right after John died.  I am quite resistant to that idea and said I don't own a pair.  This is just damn hard and sorrowful no matter how much time goes by.  I had some sweet times this year; was only myself and my daughter, who isolates when she's sad, so it was mostly just me.  I had moments of pure crying just like in the beginning, and I always come around to well he's gone, you have to just figure this out.  I alternate between focusing on looking forward to when I will be with him again to trying to work up some enthusiasm for a future where I can find peace even without him.  We don't know what will happen....anything could, right?  I usually cope with this by hiking and yoga, but this year had arthroscopic knee surgery on the 21st and it's been a struggle.  Being physical as a coping mechanism can be quite a disadvantage sometimes.  I wish I was a couch potato and loved to sit around watching movies, etc.  I can't wait to get back to walking and moving.....wish you all the best and hugs to all...I know this is god-awful for everyone....Cookie

On ‎12‎/‎24‎/‎2017 at 7:27 PM, Marg M said:

"Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you are at home".  Carol Nelson.

Yes, exactly how I feel....

On ‎12‎/‎14‎/‎2017 at 6:46 PM, Marg M said:

See why we called him Billy the Kid.  I don't know if I have ever put this before.

Marg:  Love this...he looks like he was so much fun.....Cookie

I can relate to all of you.  Dread these darn holidays.  Trying to get by.  It's been 2 and 1/2 years, but still so sad to be without John.  I also had knee surgery and on the third day.  It was a arthroscopic meniscectomy but it hurts and, of course, I can't seem to make myself just sit and rest.  I'm trying, but when I do that I can't get away from the horrible sorrow.  At least walking and doing something physical allows some peace for a while.  Although you wouldn't wish this on anyone, it is a comfort to know you're not alone in how you feel.  I know you are all hurting too.  Hugs to everyone....Cookie

Thanks all:  My surgery is arthroscopic.  I will have someone to take me and bring me home....listen to what they say after the surgery.  Hard.  It used to be John and I didn't even think about it; just knew he would take care of me (spoiled, I know).  I am grateful that I have someone to help me, though.  I heard from another widow recently whose husband died about the same time.  She said she is managing well....what is the magic bullet?  I want it.  I can say that I'm managing, but well does not fit.  I am jealous; that's all there is to it.  I'm hoping to be up and around quickly.  Activity is what has saved me these last 2 and 1/2 years.  Best wishes to you all.  There are so many sad pitfalls this time of year especially.  I think we all try to get joy where we can, though....hugs, Cookie

On ‎12‎/‎14‎/‎2017 at 8:53 PM, olemisfit said:

Sometimes I feel like I have been able to defeat this grieving beast. I want to. And some days I feel like I do see a significant improvement in the way I handle things. But...then I face the reality of it all and realize that I'm still the same basket case that I was by this time of day on  January 1st, 2016. I have one huge monster riding around on my back. And In the almost 2 years that have gone by since my sweet, beautiful Cookie passed, every once in a while I still feel the weight of that monster on my shoulders. You see, I was raised to believe that it is not right to intentionally end the life of another human being. In the belief system I grew up in, it was just that clear, and just that cut and dried. But that is exactly what I did in the case of my wife. I intentionally terminated my wife's life. I know what all the justification sorts of reasons are. I have thought them all. My wife and I had had the conversation more than once over the years. That conversation where you promise to do for your mate what he/she is not able to speak up and do for him/her self. I wanted to keep my wife around with me.  Oh God, but how I wish she was still here with me. But I also know that if I had kept her around, it would have been for all the wrong reasons. That wonderful, beautiful, red headed, passionate, strong willed, bull headed woman was my rock. My anchor. My reason for being willing to swing my legs off the bed each morning and go through another day with a smile on my face. I could smile every day because God made me the luckiest man that ever occupied space on this crazy planet. Our paths crossed on a day in October, 1974 when I went to apply for a job at a motel in Oklahoma City. I met that special woman I had been hoping would come along one day. She came along that day, and we were still together 41+ years later when I had to end her suffering and misery. We were made for each other, and meant for each other. And I miss her every day so very much. I miss her physical presence. Oh yeah, she is and always will be in my thoughts. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about all the special things she was or did that made my time with her so wonderfully special.  One thing that I will eternally be so very grateful about is the knack she had of always making me feel like I mattered. Nobody else in my life had ever even tried to make me feel that way. But my Cookie did it every day so effortlessly.  I know she loved me. I never doubted that. And I can honestly say that I never took her love for granted. I loved to make sure she always knew how easy it was for me to love her. And then the day came for me to speak for her when she wasn't able to speak the words herself. I knew I was setting myself up for the remainder of my live being lonely and miserable. And so far that is exactly what it has been. I intentionally and voluntarily ended her life when my own life wasn't endangered or threatened. I did it to put an end to her misery and suffering. I did it because I had made a promise to her to do it if the need should ever present itself. When that need presented itself, I ended her life because it was the only right thing to do under the circumstances. And her physical presence is what I miss so very much. Being able to enjoy a TV show while holding her hand. Or ditto while reading a book. Or look over at her and tell her I love her. And hearing her say it. Or wrapping my arms around her, and giving her a big ole hug and kiss just because I felt like doing it. Spontaneously. Those little things were always the things I treasured the most, and thus they are the ones I now miss the most. Just being able to be ourselves around each other. Now all I can do is to live in  the past and re-live all those things mentally---with the memories. This coming New Year's Day will be the 2nd anniversary of her passing. I wish I could just stay in bed and sleep through that entire day. But I know I won't. I'll get up that morning and bounce off the walls the same way I have for the past 102 weeks. And then at the end of that day, I'll crawl between the sheets of this bed the same way I have every evening for the past 102 weeks---ALONE. And then I'll get up the next morning and spend the entire day doing the same thing I have done every day of the past 102 weeks, which is to put...

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

Darrel:  Am so sorry for your pain and feel for you.  It is very similar to how I feel after 2 1/2 years; just when I'm hoping I might be navigating this better, more neutral, it cycles around and I've realized that this is probably what it will be for a long, long time, if not always.  You loved Cookie so much; you did the right thing by her.  I have this terrible feeling at times that I failed John is some way at the end.  He woke up in the middle of the night he died which woke me up but I checked him in a half asleep daze and went back to sleep; I heard him breathing heavily but he had been doing that off and on for a while.  He died at 4:00 that morning; I woke up to his last breath at that time.  I wouldn't have been able to save him, but I've wished many times that I had woken myself up completely and been holding him, talking to him up until he took his last breath...it hurts still.....take care, Cookie

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

They want to do more invasive tests.  Hard to face those alone.

glad you caught some holiday spirit.  I skipped volunteering at the Christmas parties because I couldn’t handle it.  This is the first year since 2014 I have done nothing for the holidays except put up our tiny tree and it does nothing for me.  My counselor reminds me I only think everyone is happy.  Just haven’t run into anyone that isn’t.  

That's the way I feel.  Everyone is so busy, planning to see family, traveling, etc.  I feel very alone in this.  I'm sure others like me are out there, but don't know where.  Clenching in the pit of my stomach...will try to enjoy whatever I can of the holidays but boy this hurts every time it comes around.  So sorry about whatever these tests you are having Gwen.  It is damn hard to face alone!  I am having knee surgery on the 21st; had to do it all alone...the doctor's visits, tests, etc.  It is really hard....but it is what it is as they say.  Good luck to you in whatever you're going through....hugs, Cookie

20 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I understand what you are saying, Ana.  I think it is normal to feel why us?  We were just doing our thing, not bothering anyone, happy and not realizing  that each of our interests were founded in being with someone we love and was our best friend.  I don’t question why others still have it, but I am painfully remind me of what I have lost.  Did I take it for granted?  At times, yes.  Who could ever fathom the end?   It’s just not in our nature.  He would always be there was an unconscious foundation in my mind.   Now that he is not I see the countless ways we interacted.   The hardest for me is not what we physically did to run our lives, tho I miss that strong guy, it is not being able to talk about anything anymore.  The state of the world down to want to share some popcorn?  Miss the jokes and hugs.  The leaving knowing we would be home together later.  I’m sitting here right now on an iPad when I never needed nor wanted one because there were things to do like lunch together.  Now I stare out the window as I sit alone.  Yeah.....why us?

Yes, totally relate to this.....

On ‎11‎/‎29‎/‎2017 at 3:01 PM, Janka said:

My dear Cookie!

So nice to hear from you again!All of my best friends are non-smokers as well as myself,except one of them,but he started using e-cigarettes.They contain the nicotine but don´t make the smoke and bad smell.It´s pleasant to me,especially a peach one.He uses many fruit types......Almost everyone around smokes...at the tram stop,although it´s forbidden already...in the restaurants too,however our neighbours-Czech people made a right decision,so they can´t smoke inside anymore...Most of them are very reckless and throw away the cigarettes wherever they are,in the grass too......My father had died because of smoking many years ago...I was only 22 y.o. when I saw him dying in front of me in the hospital,because he couldn´t breathe anymore...People devastate this beautiful planet...I live in the capital,so there is too much smog,dust,smoke and noise too...Me and my beloved Jan used to go up in the mountains because of the beautiful nature and such fresh air all around...I admire that you can live at such beautiful place and I also miss the peace over there so much...I´d like to live there but there is no place to work...Send you a few pics of the magical place I like the most...we used to go there every year...It also was the last place that me and my beloved one were at...It was the autumn,full of wonderful colours and we were the happiest on there...As for my back pain,it comes back whenever I bring something heavier in my hands,since I have no car anymore...My beloved Jan would have not allowed me to bring something so heavy at all.He always helped me with everything,housework as well...he was the best...

Hugs from Janka

 

Janka:  The pictures are so beautiful.  It's true that in the most beautiful places like the mountains, you definitely sacrifice in terms of employment.  I was lucky enough to work at home as a transcriptionist and John was an 8th grade math teacher, so we were able to live here.  John also was always helping me, like your Jan, even though back then I always wanted to do things myself.  I certainly miss having someone in my life like that now because I realize it was his way of showing his love.  So, how close to those beautiful mountains do you live?  Do you still go at all?  I hate seeing people smoke...something that you have control over and the consequences can be so devastating, as you well know...take care, Cookie

On ‎12‎/‎10‎/‎2017 at 1:33 PM, Gin said:

Another day that has no meaning.  Everything is so empty.  No desire to do anything.  Little hope for anything better.  I will force myself to go somewhere today, even if it is just to the mailbox.  My few friends have mates or are busy.  Tomorrow is another day.

I know what you mean, Gin; it's hard....sometimes I feel the same, and it seems like everyone where I live has a mate except me sometimes; I'm surrounded by couples!

Marg:  I have struggled with fear and anxiety a lot since John died.  It started actually right after he died.  It's changed but in some ways worse, this, now, 2 1/2 years out.  I've come to realize it's definitely related to losing John and it just cycles around.  So sorry it's happening to you...Cookie

On ‎11‎/‎27‎/‎2017 at 9:58 PM, Gin said:

It is so hard to deal with stuff when you are grieving and having to do things unfamiliar.  I had to deal with my son's issues today, get virus protection for the computer, find somewhere to get physical therapy and deal with the sciatic pain.   I put off XRays until tomorrow.  Al should be here beside me.  When you are alone, you second guess decisions you make.

Gin:  I hope I can give you some hope.  I had a terrible back injury about 20 years ago.  It went on for 3 years with no diagnosis.  They finally told me there was nothing I could do and to just take antidepressants and learn to live with it.  I was so depressed.  I had tried everything, but, of course, I had my wonderful husband here to keep supporting me, saying all would turn out okay.  I had sciatica down both legs that never stopped, sharp shooting pain day and night.  What finally worked for me was Bikram's yoga, the hot kind.  It took a year of doing it every day.  I am not suggesting that is what you need, but only saying that it is true when it seems like there is absolutely nothing that will help, sometimes there is; it just takes time to find it.  I'm kind of leaning on that idea in terms of wondering if this terrible grief-induced pain I'm in will ever smooth out...my John would say it would....we'll see.  Anyway, I'm wishing a resolution for your back pain and I know it is so hard to go through alone....take care, Cookie

On ‎11‎/‎27‎/‎2017 at 3:31 PM, Janka said:

Dear Gwen,

I know how you feel.I live all alone for 6 years already.I have 2 terrible neighbours.One of them is smoking every 30 minutes in the window,because she almost never leaves her flat.She made my life unbearable enough,because I can´t open my windows when I need at all.It´s a nightmare,especially in the summer when being without open windows seems to be impossible by all means.I bought 3 ventilators to survive it somehow,but it doesn´t help too much.Nothing works as for the person who lives one floor below.On the top of that she is really bad.Every time I say something,she tries to hurt me some way.Once she even called police,because I complained about her smoking.I couldn´t breathe in the flat at all!Another one neighbour living on the left is the same,she is her friend and when they start to smoke together,it may last until morning mostly,because no one of them doesn´t work anymore.If my beloved Jan would have been alive,they couldn´t do it anymore.Living alone is very hard.I also have no close family.I sometimes have to bring heavy bags that causes me terrible back pains then,so I must be careful all the more.Only those people who live all alone as we do,may understand how it feels.A woman,living alone,without a family,with medical issues and on the top of that grieving so much!It´s very hard.Isn´t it?I do know!

Send you hugs from the heart!

    With love Janka

Janka:  Oh the smoking!  That would be the worst.  I live alone but out in the country, and, although I used to treasure the peace, without John here it has changed from wonderful to painful most of the time.  I don't know which would be worse, neighbors or none at all.  But, I think that neighbors like you're talking about would definitely be worse.  My heart goes out to you.  But really, the actually living alone after having a partner is the worst of all.  Don't know if I'll ever get used to it.  There are so many little things.  Yes, you do just go on and put aside all the painful little things, but that gets tiring and every once in a while I just stop and realize how hard I'm working at trying not to hurt at every little turn in this house.  I hope for change in the future.....I've thought about roommates but can't get motivated for that right now; that sounds like a lot of work too.  I do love being outdoors and living in a place like this certainly affords me that opportunity...just walk out the door and the beautiful woods are all around.  It's the going back in that is deadly.....love to you all, Cookie

On ‎07‎/‎17‎/‎2017 at 11:14 AM, kayc said:

I'm kind of like you, Marg, it's hard to go through that stuff.  I never felt stuck as in couldn't cry, the tears flowed plenty in the early years, and even now and then in later years, but I don't worry about whether I cry or don't.  The important thing is not to stop the tears if you feel like crying, let them come and go as they need to.  I know someone who was married 50* years, happily, it's been over a year and she hasn't cried yet.  She says she isn't trying to stop them.  She had a breakdown after he died.  I would think a grief counselor would be warranted but she hasn't seen one.

Crying is a funny thing.  You can cry but it doesn't always bring comfort.  I have cried plenty, but always have felt constricted in some way, especially if I'm in the presence of someone because it almost always makes them uncomfortable; they can be well-meaning and kind but still have a hard time hearing the pain.  Crying alone can be hard too because I've needed someone to just be there; there is a comfort in that; I guess it's like what John used to do for me when I was upset about something because he cared so much.  I've been having a hard time (like I know everyone here has) with the time of year; I had a dream last night where a woman was standing in front of me and I said to her "I'm so, so sad."  She put her arms around me and I just sobbed and sobbed all out, and she just held me without saying anything; was just a strong presence, a companion to my pain; no judgment, no discomfort felt.