Brad

I had a conversation a little while ago. I was talking to a couple and when asked how I was doing, I replied: "Some days better than others." He said: "At least you're on the right side of the dirt." My reply was I wasn't so sure. She then came up with the platitude about life being a gift to be treasured. For me, life was a gift right up until July 29, 2015, and since then it is a challenge. A challenge to find enough distractors to make it from the time I wake up until the time I fall asleep. And then it's a challenge to try to find a way to sleep. I do have times of joy and happiness. I am getting better at finding distractions: still, the time during the day is mostly spent in solitude when it is easier to remember why things feel so empty.

AB3 and Dave - I've felt this way since I lost my wife. I would have fought tooth and nail (and did twice) to be there for my wife and kids. Now the kids are grown and my wife is gone so in many respects death is a respite and the next great adventure.

No apologies necessary my friend. You have every reason to be grumpy and what better place to vent but here. We all have just cause for being grumpy. For me, it seems, at times, as though I am seeing life through some somber tinted lens. That happened yesterday as I headed out on my hike. It was a bright, sunny, warm day and yet there was a pall that seemed to follow me. Of course, once I was deep in the pines the gloom lifted; but then that's why I hike.

I find my snoring is directly connected to my weight and it seems around 180 is the threshold. Every time I would get over 180 Deedo would break out her earplugs.

Gwen - I am so sorry you are struggling so with everything. Health, activity, emotions are all so interconnected and when one is amiss everything degrades; and then to be so deeply entrenched in grief only magnifies the emptiness, loneliness, and sense of futility. You are thought of often.

We had a beautiful backyard but then I, too, struggle with the why bothers. There is nobody to sit back there with and listen to the pond. The only time someone is back there is when I'm raking leaves/pine needles. Our dry season is April through June. Normally I would hire a neighbor kid to water while I'm gone, but why bother.

Welcome back Janka - you have been missed!!!! Thank you.

I didn't see Marge's comment as a criticism; just a contribution.

I've found three meds that work. Lorazepam - for me works best but can be habit forming over long term use. I was prescribed this long before Deedo got sick. The s same issue back then as now: I'd sleep from 10:30 to 2 and then be wide awake. By 5 when I should be getting up I was crashing. Lunesta - specifically for sleep and does not interfere with my other meds but my experience is that it is not as effective for uninterrupted sleep. This is what I'm taking to Europe. Concerned because I have a thirty day supply and will be gone for forty-five. Remeron - is an antidepressant that has two side effects: if taken at night it promotes sleep and it increases appetite. This was prescribed for me early on when I couldn't eat or sleep. For me, it was perfect for the first six months. I mentioned earlier that this works a little too well for me. On it, I sleep a minimum of eight hours and it was not unusual to get ten hours. A couple of times I was close to eleven hours of sleep. I don't like sleeping that much. I probably ought to give melatonin another try. Back when I tried it was early on in my grief and nothing was working. Best of luck Cookie, I hope you find something that helps. I hate those wee hours where you are too wide awake to try to sleep but fear rising, lest it becomes routine.

I haven't been on Ambien but I have used Lunesta. Last summer I took it nightly for two months. Fought with my insurance company over it. I was on two mgs a night and wanted to experiment with cutting back to one mg a night. Insurance would pay for thirty 2mg or thirty 1mg but not sixty 1mg. My question was what's the difference? I took lorazepam last night and did better. I was still awake from 2:20 to 3:40 but then drifted back off until 6:30 so six and a half hours total- I can be happy with that. Just hate taking meds for it.

I've used the tips in the article for the past year. No coffee past noon, a ton of meditation apps dealing with sleep, no alcohol (doctors won't let me - even as I travel Italy and France ) I do just about everything on the list and for the most part, it works; and then I hit spells like this one. While I was writing this WebMD just posted a slideshow on foods that effect drugs and I learned dark chocolate can cancel the effects of sleep medications: "Dark chocolate, in particular, can weaken the effects of drugs meant to calm you down or make you sleep, like zolpidem tartrate (Ambien). It also can boost the power of some stimulant drugs, like methylphenidate (Ritalin). And if you take an MAO inhibitor, used to treat depression, it can make your blood pressure dangerously high". But I can't blame dark chocolate although I wish I could. Oh well, this too will pass. The drug that works best for me is Remeron but then I sleep eight to nine hours a night and eat too much. I don't like that. I may need to do a short course just to get back to not waking up every sixty to ninety minutes.

JHCP - Joan Didion, in her book: The Year of Magical Thinking", states: " “Life changes fast. Life changes in the instant. You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends." “It was, in fact, the ordinary nature of everything preceding the event that prevented me from truly believing it had happened, absorbing it, incorporating it, getting past it. I recognize now that there was nothing unusual in this: confronted with sudden disaster we all focus on how unremarkable the circumstances were in which the unthinkable occurred” That is the nature of sudden death, I believe. I don't know because what I experienced was not sudden. For me, life changed slowly through disappointments and hopes, until what took seventeen months to culminate was over in a heartbeat - or lack thereof. I am hoping that today, this evening, you can find some comfort or a little peace.

Deedo always maintained her greatest gift was the ability to find happiness in any situation. She didn't have the best childhood, neglectful mother, alcoholic father and yet she was always happy. Her first marriage was to a physically/emotionally abusive spouse and again she found happiness in her life. She is my hero.

Kayc - Like you, my issue is typically not getting to sleep, although occasionally it is. Like you, my issue is staying asleep. Last night I feel asleep at nine and woke up at 10:30, drifted off for thirty minutes and then was awake for an hour, drifted for ninety minutes and was awake, drifted again woke up at four, read for a while, drifted again and was up at 5:30. Add it all up and it isn't a bad amount of sleep but very little was deep sleep, mostly REM and crazy, meaningless dreams. I do have Lunesta but prefer to take that after several nights like this; probably tonight. I also will use Lorazepam but not more than once or twice a month. Melatonin has not worked well for me and I don't like using PM meds because of their possible link with dementia. I actually went several weeks where I'd sleep for five to six hours without waking and for me that is ample. Joyce, Thank you. For me, the issue isn't as much making decisions but more of "buyers remorse" after the decision is made. I am learning it is critical for me to put myself in a position that makes it difficult, in not impossible, to back out because I do, initially, have confidence; it's just so tempting to stay put. And yes, once I am there I know I will be so enthralled with the churches, museums, concerts and operas I will be very happy I went.

Maryann - So very well said. This resonates with me and helps me put my grief in perspective. It is that perspective that is so difficult to maintain.

Reflecting back on the past nearly twenty months I realize there has been so much I did not anticipate and so much I was so unprepared for. I always knew that when Deedo died the pain of her death would be devastating. I knew my life, as I knew it, would be irretrievably changed. But there has been so many changes I never saw coming. There are things about my personality that I am proud of. Amongst those would include my fierce independence, my love for adventure and travel, my ability to accept life as it happens without skipping a beat; that's until recently. Now I find myself constantly second-guessing myself. It seems as if everything I plan I soon regret making those plans. I need to force myself to follow through. It matters not how grandiose or minute the plans are; I struggle. Last weekend I planned a hike and a musical. The closer the weekend came the more I tried to find excuses to just stay on the mountain. I went and had a wonderful time; great entertainment, great company; exactly what I needed and exactly what I knew it would be; but still the anxiety. Last Fall I booked a "trip of a lifetime". The old me would have driven everyone nuts with excitement. Now once again, the closer it gets the higher the anxiety and the more I wish I were staying home. Now my mantra is "What was I thinking?" It's no secret I've struggled with sleep since Deedo died but I really had a good handle on it; until the past week. I'm sure it's the anxiety that is waking me up and keeping me awake to the point I'm exhausted. Now I'm not concerned about jet lag, now I concerned about sleeping at all. This morning, at one-thirty, I was wide awake, booking connecting passes after having slept three hours. Now, nearly fifteen hours later, I'm exhausted but cannot sleep. I haven't had a nap in nearly twenty months. For me that's major. I was always one who could nap anytime, anywhere. I so wish there were a way to prepare for this madness, this insanity, this despair, this loneliness; again that damn dichotomy of distance between the head and the heart. I know that I will have an adventure, the kind I will treasure. It is too late to back out now, but it is such a struggle to fake excitement.

JHCP - I also have a pendant that contains Deedo's ashes and had one made for each of the kids. With her ashes, I chose to divide them into important places from our life together rather than scatter them in one spot. So I have left some ashes where we first met, some ashes where we had our first kiss, some ashes where we got engaged, some ashes where we were married, I left some ashes in the front garden where her parents' ashes are, and I have some so that our kids can mix hers with mine when it's time. Oh yes, she's also scattered around her most favorite place on Earth: Disneyland.

This is an inspiring tribute. Thank you and hugs.

Ana - The interview initially was by Skype but then Skype is not reliable and she was having problems with screen freezes so we switched to FaceTime and then to phone. The interview for me ran about one and a half hours but then I talk a lot. The questions started with talking about Deedo, then her death, how I coped, what I did, those sort of things and then questions about how others treated me and how they communicated with me. Like I said, I had many tearful moments and Erin was very kind and professional. For me, it was a worthwhile experience.

This is one of the "freeing" concepts of my grief. My death is okay. Trying to get the kids to understand that is more of a challenge but I do continue the conversations. I am not suicidal but now look at life on my terms.

I just finished the interview. Erin is a sweetheart, so kind and compassionate. I shed lots of tears but it was also quite cathartic. I think they're amending it to include up to 75 if I remember correctly.

Good looking boy you have there. Congrats.

As one who gets colonoscopies and endoscopies annually (yes lucky me) I have learned not to dread them. Early on, doctors prescribed GoLYTELY and it was horrible. The volume required to be consumed was torture. For the past several years my prep was changed to MoviPrep. Far less volume and a much easier and more tolerable cleansing and yet it works as well. For those of you staring a colonoscopy in the face, it may be worth a conversation with your doctors.

I've struggled with this dichotomy this weekend. Overall things are better than they have been in the past but I still need to stop looking at the grieving times as setbacks or failures. As I've mentioned previously, I have periods where I feel as if I am gaining a handle on things. I've gone weeks at times without tears; then I'll have days like yesterday and today where the skies are gray and so am I. The funk persists and then a trigger: a song, a storyline in a novel, an article, a movie scene; and suddenly I find myself sobbing like I haven't done in a month or more. Cognitively, I know this is grief; the nature of the beast, but then the heart kicks in and I feel like it's a setback, a failure. It is so hard to reorient one's thought processes to accommodate the irrational.

Herc - For myself, I found, and still find, solace in my walks/hikes. It is a place where I can let my mind loose and embrace whatever it decides to throw at me. I plug in the headphones and wander aimlessly, sometimes for hours. Again for myself that is where I really find comfort. Home seems empty. Early on (where you are now) I want to be around others and would force myself to get out and socialize but then spend the whole time wishing I were somewhere else where I could be alone. Celebrating Christine sounds cathartic. For a very long time, I got into a routine where I would spend an hour in the morning looking at letters, photos, memories of our thirty-seven years together. I would cry and laugh and miss her so much. Then in the evening I would spend time looking at my life today and trying to find things that I was truly grateful for because, in spite of the pain and misery, I still have so many wonderful things in my life and I was finding that it was too easy to focus on what I lost and ignore what I have. For me, this helped. But then you seem to be coping far better than I ever dreamed I could. Brad