Brad

Like you Ana, I am trying to find more distractions, and the are working better, hoping that someday these distractions, or others like them, will take on new meaning, new importance, and then become part of the person I will become. I had never understood the concept of emotions lurking just below the surface until this. Even as I write this, the day is dawning, I slept well, I'm better than some days, and yet lying there, just underneath are tears that would take but a whisper to bubble forth.

And I always thought that you reflectively mused and musingly reflected. Silly me.

Cookie - Your posts today brought warm smiles to my heart. It is so nice seeing you finding your way to search for: "that contentedness and carefree life back that I used to have....I know, we all do. I think now that this takes way longer than I could imagine." It is nice to have that companionship again, that person who allows you to be who you are today. I've mentioned my friend whose husband is in late stage Alzheimers. We get to share like I can't anywhere else. We both get it. She knows when and how to figuratively slap me around when I need it and how to be a rock when I need that; I, in turn, try to be that person for her. Now I need to find the same thing on the mountain so I have that companionship here as well. I really am excited about the trip but quite anxious as well. Hopefully, I can find a way to balance out my emotions. I am getting better but tears seem to have taken up permanent residence just barely below the epidermis and still will leak out on occasion.

The reason I created this thread was simple. The discussion back then got a bit heated over thread hijacking (in my most humble opinion a wasted emotion) and I wanted to create a thread that was un-hijackable; a place where people could post anything they wanted without feeling the need to respond to anyone else. Just that space where ideas could float freely and without restraint. So Kay, given your remark I guess it is working.

So happy to hear. This too is where I strive to be and do feel I am moving in that direction. It's been a while since the birds and squirrels have gazed down on a raving lunatic. In a support group, I met a gal, younger than myself, who had buried three husbands. Her comments were she loved the first with all of her heart and then he died. When she met the second, she knew this time she really had found love like no other and he died. The third husband came along and it was the real thing, mad, passionate, requited love; he died. Throughout all of these relationships, she came to realize that she was truly blessed to have found three men whom she could so completely cherish and adore. She knew none of these relationships were close to the same and the guys were all quite different. She came to realize that while different she could love each person as much as the others, each relationship gave her what we all had with our loved ones; the human heart is capable of not replacing the love of our lives but finding new and different loves. This gives me hope. That being said, I am not looking for romance, no one would have me with my fixation on Deedo but I really would like a friend I can talk with, someone I can occasionally dine with, someone to take in a movie, a play, a concert with, someone who likes quiet strolls through woods and someone with enough of a sense of adventure that they might not object to jumping out of an airplane or rafting the Grand Canyon, or swimming with whale sharks. At sixty-five the field is getting somewhat limited.

Warning for those who might dine at my house. Good luck finding silverware that hasn't found their way into the disposal. Makes eating an extreme sport.

Karen - My heart goes out to you. It is such a struggle to comprehend how life continues without those who mean so much to us.

Grace and Frankie is quite entertaining and you are very good at hijacking threads.

Oh AB3 - You are still so early in the process. It has been a little less than three months so yes it does make sense: the emptiness, the sense of being lost, dazed, blind. This is such a long and exasperating process. Right now learning to accept this new life is a major milestone you should be proud of. Initially, I felt as if I wasn't progressing at all but then I learned to not look back at yesterday or last week but to look back at where I was months ago. Somedays are better, but they are rare. As days build into weeks which build into months things do improve. Right now I still don't know my purpose or who I am. Right now I only know that things are better than they were a year ago. Hopefully, for all of us, this isn't all it will be but someday we will have a better understanding of who we are.

Ana - I have struggled with this from the beginning. Everything else in my life has been one of identify the problem, research possible solutions, select and apply, evaluate and proceed. I am getting better at allowing my heart to lead when it comes to grief, but still I wish it wouldn't hurt so. Marty - you know the trouble I've always had leading with my heart but I keep trying.

Steve - I can't begin to tell you how happy I am for you and Patty. You are both so fortunate to find that in each other.

I will be so grateful if the psychosis of grief ever takes a break. I just had a wonderful time with the kids and grandkids. Yesterday I drove to the Valley since I had early appointments today at the Mayo. Left this morning to go to the appointments and stopped for coffee at Circle K. As I pulled in "Lover's Concerto" by the Toys (a 1965 fluff piece) started playing. Now there is nothing about this song that should act as a trigger. I doubt Deedo and I ever listened to it together and I haven't heard it since my teens except once in a movie whose name I can't remember. But knowing the name of the song I suddenly focused on the word lover's realizing I once knew (and still know) requited love. The larynx spasmed and the eyes started to burn. Stunned I breathed deeply and got my coffee. Keep in mind I'm now in a place where I no longer cry daily and sometimes will go several days or weeks without tears. After that, all was good until I was reading a novel while waiting to go to my second appointment. Suddenly there were the same sensations without apparent cause (a touching scene between Harry Potter and Mrs. Weasly). I read the HP series about every eighteen months so it was nothing new. After I headed home Bedrich Smetana's "Ma Vlast" symphony started playing. A couple of weeks ago I had booked some concert tickets for a concert featuring works by Smetana and Antonin Dvorak, two of the greatest Czech composers. The concert is in Prague and I am very excited. I started to think about the concert and suddenly the floodgates opened and I was sobbing away because I will be seeing Europe for the first time but without my wife. Again I don't understand the trigger. Classical music always made Deedo sad and music was one thing where we really never found a lot of common ground. If we were traveling together then the operas, ballets, and concerts would not be on the itinerary. I pride myself on my critical thinking skills; my ability to look at evaluate multiple facets of any issue and then drawing conclusions based on logic and not supposition. This grief thing has had me bamboozled from day one and continues to do so.

Herc - You're a better man than I. I've been on the forum for around eighteen months and the only threads I've read from the beginning are the ones that were started after I joined and even many of them I've not read the entire thread.

Martha Jane - What a comforting thought. Thank you.

This is what 64 years of love looks like.

I just returned from probably the best ten days I've had in the past two years. Most of the time was spent with two of my grand kiddies while their mom and dad ran away for some alone time. It was so enjoyable focusing on giggles, laughs, and adventures. I insisted that the two-year-old stay with me and not go to daycare and we had so much fun exploring the Valley, going to the zoo, having lunch at "Sissy's" school, riding trains and carousels, singing every song he knows countless times and snuggling and reading. Additionally, I was able to spend some quality time with a friend who is also struggling with grief. We took in a delightful piano recital, discovered new restaurants together, and spent hours sharing and comforting each other; very cathartic. This was the first time I found myself so absorbed in the present that the past was not foremost in my thoughts. It gives me hope.

Deedo had a "Wakey Dog" since she was three or four. The poor thing is now as old as I am and shows every bit of the wear and tear of age. She would keep the stuffed dog hidden away but when life was challenging out he would come to comfort her. Now Wakey sleeps on her side of the bed and he is providing me with comfort.

"To where you are" various artists including Josh Groban another trigger.

(((Hugs))) my dear Patty.

I'm a pretty ineffective liar and my kids see right through me plus I want to use our time talking to give them a venue to open up if they need it. Two of my kids have young families and demanding jobs so frequently their grieving time is late at night. I figure it's good for them to know my struggles and my successes. Unlike the family I grew up in, I want my kids to know that grief is not something to be shelved and suffered in silence. I think it is healthy for them to know when I'm hurting. Maybe it all goes back to the adage: misery loves company. But I do think they will share with me things they can't share with spouses because I understand and their spouses; not so much so. I get to talk to all three kids pretty much every day; they call on their way home from work (advantage of three kids in three time zones) so we've had plenty of practice.

I just had all of our home vhs tapes converted to BD. I bit pricy since I ordered copies for self and the kids. Twenty BDs times four but at least we can watch the family as the kids grew. Lots of Christmases and Disney trips. Happy times evoking happy memories. BTW - I have a couple of VHS players I'll ship for free if anyone can use them. One hasn't been out of the box.

Marg - My wish for you is that someday you are able to see that turning your back on him was an act of love and that Billy understood that then. You did not want to see him go. You were doing everything in your power to keep him with you. Give yourself a hug and try to see your actions for what they truly were.

Autumn, In my mind you were saying "I love you." You were showing him how much you love him. You were fighting for his life. He knew that then and knows that now. We all handled those final moments with all the love we had. When my wife died I was holding our daughter and not my wife's hand. I regretted that but then I came to realize my daughter needed me more than my wife did at that time. I was telling Deedo that I loved her by comforting our daughter. We need to understand that actions do speak far louder than words; especially under stress.

Kevin you are my hero.

Yep Gin - But as Darrel kept reminding us "One foot in front of the other". I'm no longer losing it every day and sometimes can go weeks without a tear but still prefer to be by myself although I know I need to get out more. I do make plans but they tend to be farther away from home. For example I'm going to a piano recital in Scottsdale this weekend and a musical in Phoenix next month. As far as doing things around town, not so much so. Will go out to dinner occasionally with neighbors. Maybe this summer I'll join a club or two.