Brad

Pauly, For me it doesn’t matter what I plan, I soon regret making the plans and the closer the day comes the more I rue my impetuousness. I have to force myself into following through. Once I’m there, I do enjoy myself and am happy I forced myself; but it does happen every time I make plans ahead of time.

I still find myself so wishing to share those "good" times with Deedo. So many things that I want to share with her to see her reaction. I find that at times I do enjoy myself but those times are unsustainable. I go to musicals/ballet/symphonies because that was something we never really shared. I don't go to movies because that is what we did. When I travel it's to parts unknown to me. Deedo was married to an Air Force pilot and lived eight years in Germany. She loved that country, she loved Switzerland, and I can see why, so do I but I can go there only because it was not a place we traveled to together. The first year I took the family to Disneyland because Deedo was passionate about it, she never tired of going there. Now that's done I can't see ever going back. In March, I'm taking the adult kids on a cruise. It will be interesting because the last Port of Call is Cozumel, a place Deedo and I went to a lot before she got sick. We never did a cruise so I'm not worried about that and I did book a scuba dive because that was always my thing, she'd shop and wander around town while I dove. Just seeing the island may be a trigger in and by itself. I digress. The point I wanted to make is that some of us may find ways to enjoy life and adapt to what lies before us but it certainly will not be easy nor will it be quick.

It is beautiful, Merry Christmas and Happy Kings Day to you. Continue to take care of yourself, this illness has lasted too long.

Hello Pauly, First of all let me tell you how sorry I am that you lost The One. So did I, only mine died nearly thirty months ago. Looking back, I remember very little of that first year; I remember what I did for Thanksgiving but not Christmas. What I remember was hiking, yelling, sobbing, wailing, swearing, not sleeping, not eating, trying desperately to find relief from the pain, reading everything I could find on grief, seeing counselors, support groups, psychiatrists. The second year wasn't much better. I channeled my energies in trying to reinvent myself. Trying to find ways to escape, traveling as much as I could, seeing things I've never seen, connecting with people who understood my pain and I could theirs. I'm still trying to reinvent myself. I'm still trying to escape. I'm still trying to figure out who Brad is because we were BradnDeedo for so very long. As BillT so sagely said: "Go easy on yourself". You are on a journey that has no travel plans. Know that we here do understand and are willing to share from our experiences. Sometimes it helps and other times not so much so but everyone does care.

There was no question in either of our minds: Deedo would outlive me by many years. I was hoping to live long enough to get the kids out of the house. Having been on life-support twice before forty I knew I would not make it close to fifty. Stupid me. But since one of us had to leave far too soon, I am glad that it wasn't Deedo left behind. With her eyesight she would have become dependent far too soon and that would have destroyed her. Additionally, I would hate to see her endure the pain that we are all living through. That would destroy me.

George, i really do appreciate your post and believe that for most it would be sage advice. Both Marg and I are on low residue diets; me for my Crohn’s and Marg for the damage done via chemo and cancer (I’m assuming). Low residue diets significantly limit the types of foods one can eat. I describe to others as anything that is healthy I can’t touch: no fresh fruits, fresh vegetables, whole grains, leafy plants; anything the doctors tell the rest of you to eat. We have to limit what and how we eat. I’ve had five trips to the ER in the past two years. What sent me there? apple skins, grape skins, potato skins, (I’m a slow learner). I can have apple sauce, white bread and rice, most meats, canned veggies as long as I mix them with other goods and not too much, potatoes without skins; anything low in fiber and processed. The diet is restrictive and BORING. It also is not conducive to weight loss. I tried tracking calories for over a year. According to my app I should have been losing two pounds a week for that time based on exercise (50 + miles a week hiking) and avg 1800 calories a day. Instead of losing excess of 100 pounds I gained five. I also think that meds played a factor as well. I hope this helps to clarify.

Marg - your story brought to mind an episode Deedo had years ago in Walmart. She was having problems with tachycardia that would render her insensible; frequently requiring the doctors to stop and restart her heart. She would feel them coming on and so she was given a few moments to stop driving or to sit down prior to collapsing. She was standing in line, ready to check out when she felt one coming on. Not wanting to colllapse in front of everyone, she ran to the restroom and locked herself in a stall. When she collapsed her body was wedged between the toilet and the wall. Paramedics were called and while they were trying to extract her, which necessitated removing the plumbing, rendering both men's and ladies' lavatories closed, she came to. Eventually she was loaded on a stretcher, wheeled to the ambulance for a $3,000 ride to the ER which was literally right across the street. Her reasoning for running to the loo was that she did not want to cause a scene.

Gin my dear, Sixteen years can be a life time that disappears in a flash.

So many triggers. I get tired of talking to myself; I know all of my punchlines.

I miss the cuddles and snuggles.

On the flip side here in the White Mtns we’re still waiting for any kind of weather other than sunny. I’ve seen frost twice this winter and our ski resort with snow making capabilities still can’t open: snow melts as fast as it’s made. Fire season is going to be a bear.

Today I get a Papa Moosie day with the grand kiddies. Having a great time and driving to the railroad park when Kenny Rogers’ “Through the Years” comes on. I had made a video for Deedo for our 25th with this song and of course now the lyrics have taken on a whole different meaning. I got rather misty and Ella (7) doesn’t miss a thing. She so softly says “I love you Papa Moosie, I miss her too.” 😭😭😭

My favorite movement from Peer Gynt. He’s captures dawn so well. Someday I’ll need to see the play. Ibsen was genius and the score by Grieg is as well. Thank you my dear Janka for another spot on share. Here my friends is another musical interpretation of my little piece of the world.

For Janka and all those who have yet to experience the wonder of Sunrise in the Grand Canyon: This is my backyard.

Today is a day where it appears that the weather missed its turn to late September, maybe early October and found itself here in Pinetop on the last Friday of December. I know I am gloating and most of you are ready to throw something but I'm in shirtsleeves, the doors and windows are open and I just returned from a wonderful, reflective seven mile stroll. Today marks month twenty-nine since my darling Deedo died. With it being the end of the year; a time most of us look both backward and forward, trying to see what worked and what didn't, I spent most of the two hours looking at the path I have been on and reflecting on what a strange journey it has been so far. As most of us have discussed, there is absolutely nothing linear, rational, logical, nor sensible about this state in which we all find ourselves. After twenty-nine months I am in a better place than a year ago and a far better place than I was in two years ago. The only positive I have of that time is that I really don't remember much of it: just endless tears, not wanting to be where I was but when I went anywhere else, I didn't want to be either. In looking back there were so many things I never anticipated. My body temperature was one. For the past two Winters I've slept with windows open, thermostat set at 55° F (12.8°C for our European friends) and I would still wake up drenched in sweat. Thankfully that has now returned to normal. I still can't sleep without assistance and even then it is restless. I eat a fraction of what I was eating four years ago and am always on the move and yet my weight stays the same. Having hiked over 5,000 miles in two years I would have thought I would have lost a couple of pounds at least. I find now that I continue to try to find ways to escape? replace? forget? deal with? cope with? accept? my grief and they all work while I'm doing them. Over the past 12 months I've spent 16 weeks traveling to places Deedo and I never went to together. It has been helpful but then I still come home and no one is there with coffee and conversation. I went back to teaching and for ten hours a day, five days a week, I am distracted. But then I come home again. This has been the year for live performances: opera, symphonies, musicals, ballet, you name it. While in Europe I was attending three events a week. Back home it's about every other week. Once more it works until I come home again. One would think that at some time one will get used to the loneliness and silence. Apparently, for me, twenty-nine months is not enough time. I've mentioned it before but I find myself seeking out others who are in a similar situation as me. And I'm finding not all who have suffered loss is in the same situation that I am in. I find myself thirsting for significant conversation. I had a couple of gals come by to deep clean the house today. I honestly felt sorry for them after they left. What a royal pain I must have been following them aroung the house yakking nonstop about anything and everything. I also find myself reading obituaries and mourning for the families of strangers. Tragedy hits harder now than ever before. But then there is always the envy as well. I've become more judgmental. It angers me to see morbidly obese people, chain smoking and abusing their bodies when Deedo took such care to take care of hers. I know I'm probably repeating myself from previous posts. But then few of my thoughts are original, just redundant. Listening to Barbra Streisand and Chris Pine singing a duet medely of "I'll Be Seeing You/I've Grown Accustomed to Your Face" so I suppose I need to end before I ruin my keyboard with the next round of tears. At least these tears are not as excruciating as many have been.

Beautiful Janka, If anything could restore my Christmas spirit it would be something like this. Thank you, Love, Brad

Beautiful version of a beautiful song. Hope it brings comfort and peace.

Thanks to La Niña we've only had a light frost two mornings. It's cold enough, just no moisture in the air. Went hiking today; 53°; just plain balmy. Last year I flew on Christmas day to Austin with my grandson so he could visit his dad. Walked into a Christmas party and was miserable. This year I decided to tough it out on my own and let the kids spend time with their in-laws. Another mistake. While I was hiking I resolved to spend next Christmas somewhere I've never been, trouble is every place I want to see celebrates Christmas so I'm afraid I'll just be taking my misery with me. I wish I knew the answer. Maybe it's time to put on my big boy pants and embrace the unembraceable.

Merry Christmas to you. I hope 2018 brings us all a little bit more peace and acceptance. Love you too. Brad

Oh so true.

My dear Janka, Here's hoping you find peace and joy this Christmas.

Winter break started Friday afternoon; I've been submerging my self in every task I can find, updating/repairing computers, developing new curriculum for a STEM program I'll be starting next year, cleaning the house even though my maid service will be here on Friday, proofing the yearbook; anything to occupy my mind and still, driving home from my lab I sobbed like I have sobbed in months and months. I've had some invitations but I just can't seem to bring myself to the point where I want to be around people, and yet I don't want to be around myself. Thirty-eight years of incredible Christmases and now I simply want to go to sleep and wake up in 2018. Hang in there folks, it's almost over.

Such a beautiful piece my dear Janka, Here is one in return. I hope it helps your feel better. I hope it helps with your missing your Jan. Love, Brad

Gwen- I don't have a landline so I don't get junk calls but it is still painful to receive mail addressed to Deedo, it happens weekly. The one that elicited a not very nice response was from the charity that had the words "Have we done something wrong?" in large print on the envelope. I'm certainly no warrior but I have switched all of my charitable donations to the American Cancer Society and to the Hope Lodge in Phoenix. They truly were there for us as we faced that horrendous battle. That being said; I won''t be sending their envelopes, not hosting local fund raisers for them. I hope all is well with your health.

I've talked with the kids and have decided to just spend it on the trails this year (also no snow!). Last year was very hard and I am not wanting to go through that again. December 26 is just two weeks away and then I can move on once more.