AB3

Butch, no words can truly bring comfort but you and your family are in my prayers.

Very true Brad and Gwenivere. I often think about this. If I had knowledge of what came to be it would have changed the dynamic of my relationship. I would have treated him different....our day to day interactions would have changed....and what kind of life would that have been. But of course I would go back and change certain things at the end if I knew. Maybe one day life won't feel so meaningless.

This is something I always ponder myself. Every day I prayed to God to heal my fiance and let him fullfill his purpose....which at the time I thought was his dreams of going further with his music. I prayed for his health and his happiness, not realizing how deeply he suffered. It took me a while to realize that God did what was best for him and that his purpose wasn't what I thought it was. He had fulfilled his purpose according to God, and God did what was best for him which was to end his pain and suffering. I can no longer question him, as he is the only one in control and only he knows what is best for us.

The things I thought were important in life aren't. I remember doing everything possible to ensure that my life was together and the way that I wanted it to be. I thought it was everything to have a job, be financially stable and have a house. Those are the things I worked so hard to accomplish especially last year. I finally thought I was getting it all together, checking a few of those things off my list. Those were supposed to bring me happiness....right?? No....I was WRONG. I spent too much time worrying about the wrong things that I missed out on valuable time with people that I love....time that I can never get back. Now here I am today....working and financially stable but it all seems meaningless to me now. Yes I have a job make my own money and all the things I wanted to do but I don't have anyone to share it all with. So everyday I go to work feeling empty...I get off feeling lonely. And now that it's too late.....I see that life is nothing without love.

I don't really think any of us thought death would enter our lives or more so the lives of the people we love the most. I know like many others here thought that there was no way that my fiance would die....that couldn't possibly happen to me....life wouldn't be that cruel. But here I am....here we all are. Life is cruel and we aren't exempted from its cruelty. I believe I was blinded by love....how can any of us not be. My fiance knew his time was limited but I didn't. He even said a few months prior that he doesn't have as much time as others.....I didn't listen or more so I didn't want to. But we all signed the invisible contract when we fell in love with our soulmates.....we agree to take the good and the bad, we agree to love someone unconditionally, and we unconsciously agree to love one another till death do us part. Death is inevitable and with love comes death at some point. It could have been us to have gone before our partners but they has to be the ones to go first. Either way we would eventually be separated. I like to believe that the partner that goes first was chosen to make us more comfortable when we go. In other words they will make our transition easier and more peaceful.

Very well put Marg, I hold on to my faith in the afterlife. A place where only peace exist. I can't blame anyone who experienced a taste of it would want to come to a world where pain exist. I think as much as my fiance wanted to live he wanted to be pain free and at peace even more.

I agree kayc it's more of a personal matter. They both probably felt it coming....I've heard that people close to death know and start acting differently. I guess that they personally had to prepare for that transition.....and I always wonder what it's like to be in that position.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to stand on your own..it's very hard and brave of you especially after losing your partner. You have to do what is best for you in the end and I'm sure if you talk to his mother about it she will understand and give you a bit of space. I havery had the opposite experience I talk to my fiancé mother and family every once in awhile so I've been standing alone dealing with my grief which can be both good and bad. I think you need to take a step back from everyone and give yourself the chance to really grieve. It sounds like even when you do that you'll still have support when you need it.

We actually talked about this in my therapy session today. My therapist said that we as humans desire to be loved and have companionship, which is true. He also stated that maybe I will have that again and I shut him down quickly. I know I'm still young but my heart will always belong to my fiance. I can't ever imagine being with anyone else the thought makes me cringe. Yes, I know it's still very early but when my mind is made up its made up. And yes it's very lonely and empty without love and companionship but since I can't have what my heart truly desires than I'm content with being by myself. But in no way do I judge others for moving on. To each it's own.

Thank you Marty but unfortunately they filled the position already, that's my fault though. So I guess it is what I stated after all (wake up, work, go to bed) I just feel so unsatisfied with life but I guess this is all there is. ....this is all it will ever be and I just have to accept that.

This may all be true. The truth is I didn't know his emotional state he kind of pulled away from me in that last month. He just wasn't himself and he admitted that to me the last time I saw him. I just feel as though I was blinded....as connected as we were why didn't I feel that something was wrong?? The only think that I know is that I couldn't have saves him.....I guess he was just meant to die.

Marty, thank you. I actually do think about ways to honor him and continue with the things he was most passionate about. The first step I took immediately after he passed was to ensure that the world could hear one of his last music projects which will be released soon. The next thing is something that was important to both of us.....giving back, helping others in anyway possible. I was so close to that opportunity today when I was called from a recovery place that I applied to. I have a degree in Human Services and always wanted to apply it somewhere and now more than ever is the right time. I turned the interview down because I already have another job offer in a totally different field that I am not passionate about. So tomorrow I'm going to call them back and see if they will still allow me to interview with them (fingers crossed, prayers sent). By being able to do that I would not only be pursuing my passion and purpose but also my fiances. I know doing that will make me feel like this life is worth holding on to.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to speak with a cardiologist over video chat and was able to get some of my questions answered. I'm not sure if I already shared this but my fiance was diagnosed with Antibody Mediated rejection of the heart a few months before he died. I didn't really understand it at the time, it's as if the doctor didn't explain it well enough. Anyways, I found out from the cardiologist what was really going on with him in relation to that. So she told me that his body was attacking his heart and all the treatments that he was given was pretty much all they could do as it is no formal treatment plan for this it's just try and go. His body literally was attacking his heart with an overload of antibodies. I have been dealing with guilt since his death, blaming myself for not reacting differently by pushing him to go to the hospital the last day I saw him. I've been thinking the whole time that maybe another heart transplant would have saved him but she told me most likely not because his body would reject the new heart and it would be a continuous cycle of pain and suffering for him. She also informed me that he did die peacefully and in no pain as his heart most likely just stopped and he died instantly. All of this information gave me a moment of ease....the guilt wasn't so heavy. But this only brought a few moments of comfort and I was right back to feeling the emptiness and sadness I feel daily. I also found out that it was likely my fiance knew he was going to die for awhile but didn't tell anyone. He didn't even tell me he was as sick as he was I found out after he passed. So it is likely that for months he had been lying to me about so much and I don't know how to get pass that. I do however think he just got tired of fighting and he didn't want to die in the hospital as he always made excuses why he didn't need to go. I guess I just have to respect his wishes because who am I to judge or find fault in how he handled everything....I wasn't the one in constant pain....I wasn't the one suffering. I've been trying to stay busy with school, finding a new job and working on artwork. I have been on a few interviews and got a job offer but not exactly where I wanted to work. Today I got a call from a place that I did want to work but turned down the interview. I feel so bad about doing so because it's a place that I feel I will be able to fulfill my purpose and wish of helping those in need. Everyday I feel so lost like whats the point of doing this or doing that but yet I'm still here doing the everyday mundane task. I miss the excitement of life....the looking forward to the future with such optomisim with my best friend. Now I don't even think about the future, most times I have trouble even looking at the present. Life is just a chore to me now, if that makes any sense. I find myself thinking of the same routine that I will be engaging in the rest of my life (wakeup, work, back to sleep) repeat. I guess this is the price we pay for falling in love.

Thank you! It's nice to have people to relate to

I agree with every word. I think about this daily.....whether there is something more after death or not I am blessed to have found such a beautiful human being who truly gave me unconditional love. Nothing could every change that not even death.

I agree with you. We all seem to have similar views. I remember before the death of my love I was so scared of dying but I also never expect that my 29 year old selfless, beautiful, happy fiance would die so young. I know that his death has changed me and my entire outlook on life. Like Kayc said, I welcome death I'm ready whenever it comes. And like Herc said, even if my beliefs aren't true about an after-life though I have a strong feeling that it is, death releases us all from the pain here on earth.

I hope you all are holding up ok or as ok as you can be in this life. Prayers for us all.

Since his death, I have thought that he is the lucky one, to be in a place where pain doesn't exist. This world feels too empty and everyday we all carry this pain. But we are all lucky that we got to experience the type of true, soulmate kind of love that most never get to have.

I can relate, I think about that all the time "being the one left behind" it's such a lonely pace to be. I always thought I would die first, actually I always felt that I would die young. Never did I think he would go before me but then again I wouldn't want him to have to experience the pain that I now carry.

Exactly how I feel. I guess we both have accepted that death is inevitable and that death means being reunited with those we love.

Is it weird that I'm no longer scared to die?? I use to be fearful of death and what it means to die but since losing my love I'm more at ease with death and dying. Everyone around me of course are very fearful but my outlook on life and death have changed. I no longer look at the future anymore I just live in the moment. Death seems so much more real now and I'm not so oblivious to it anymore. I realize that no one makes it out of this life, or out of this world alive and it can happen whenever. I also believe that we each have a purpose, something we are supposed to accomplish here before we leave and all those who have died have fulfilled their purpose even though it may not be clear to us what that was or is. I believe that death is also not the end yes, it is the end of our physical body here on earth but not the end of life. I know everyone has their own opinions and beliefs about life and death and in no way am I trying to force my beliefs on others. I have just gotten to the point (3 months out) where I realize that I'm here to fullfill my purpose and once I do I will go be with all those who have already accomplished their own. I do not fear death.

So very true....on the outside I try to act as normal as possible but inside I'm broken beyond repair.

I'm at the 3 month mark and still feel all the pain and emptiness that comes with this whole process. Most times I feel like I should be further along, getting back to a sense of normalcy, but normal no longer exists. Instead I'm stuck in love with someone I can't have. No one can understand this except for everyone here of course. I lost my entire life...my fiance, his family, and the few friends I had and everyday I feel like I'm in a totally new world living someone else's life, which is not too far fetched. On a semi brighter note...I'm taking some steps to get myself together. Still taking antidepressants which slightly takes the edge off, I'm slowly trying to get back to my art, looking for a new job (my old job was way too far and streesful) and staying busy with school. But most importantly I've been spending more time with my mom...which we use to do all the time but my fiance and I were inseparable and I lost a lot of time with her. After losing him it made me realize how important it is to spend time with her....and as we all know time is not always on our side. I just wanted to give you all an update on how I'm doing. Also, has anyone heard from Darrel? We were communicating via email but I haven't heard from him in about 2 weeks. Last time we spoke he wasn't doing that well health wise so I'm really concerned about him.

Martha Jane, I really identify with you. It will be 3 months that my fiance has been gone on March 10th. I too knew he was sick (rejection of the heart) but he always recovered in the past, he was always so strong and was able to battle all the things that was thrown his way. But this time he was much more sick than I knew....he kept alot from me in regards to how bad he felt. I guess alot of us were in a sense blinded....or hopeful....maybe a bit of both.

It's been awhile since I posted on here but not a whole has changed. I started antidepressants recently and have been going to therapy regularly. They both help to some degree but at the end of the day....it's still the same pain....it's still the same emptiness. I never felt more lost in life and lost in this world. Most days I feel like I'm wandering through life blind or in a daze. Does that make any sense?? I don't know what my purpose is or who I am. Life just feels more like a bad job, one that I hate but need in order to pay bills. But I have learned to accept this "new life" and the realization that this is all there is.....this is all it will be.