Herc

AB3, I haven't spoken with you before. I always feel a particular pain when I see someone who lost a fiancée. You were planning to start a new phase of your life, and it was replaced by this ongoing pain we all know too well. Unfair doesn't begin to explain the tragedy you have suffered, and the words I am so sorry for your loss don't begin to help with the relentless inequities of life. The daze you describe makes perfect sense, and yet it is senseless. We all know the awful haze of getting through one moment at a time, almost as if we are watching another person go through the motions of what used to be our lives. And yet we are all good, strong, caring people who don't deserve this tortured existence. There is no reason for us to be suffering so, and yet here we are. I feel lost on a daily basis. And the only purpose I have found is to go on, and try to be as caring and compassionate as I can to honor my wife. It often doesn't feel like it will be enough, and at those moments I completely understand the despair of thinking this pain is all my life will be. Your description of being stuck in a bad job in order to pay the bills is perfect. Have patience though. Don't try to think of your whole life, that will work itself out. Just get through the rough moments one at a time, however you can. Eventually we will heal, or at least the pain will fade to the point we can function and feel something else. I know it feels like a lifetime of suffering already, but we will get there, one step at a time. Hoping you find some moments of comfort, Herc

Brad, Thanks for the response and suggestions. I went on a walk for a bit, trying to just remain in the moment. It was just around our condos and the surrounding bike paths. There were a lot of memories the various places brought up. Picnics, cookouts, searching for our pets together when they got out. So I got dragged into the past a bit rather than staying centered, but that is going to happen as well. A couple of tears and smiles later I wandered back home, not entirely successful in remaining in the present, but not afraid to give it a shot. I've always been a private person, so I haven't been forcing myself to be around others. There have been a lot of offers of course, old friends wanting to catch up and get dinner and the such. I've taken a few up on it already and will eventually get to all of them, but don't really feel the need to either rush into the get togethers or avoid them. I'm definitely focusing on what I have, even when it involves what I lost. We built a beautiful life together, and though she is no longer here to share it, except in my heart, I have the opportunity and the bittersweet obligation to make the most of it. Hopefully she is watching, or at some point I will be able to share the experience with her, and if not then at least I will be happy at times which I am sure she would want. I managed to stay in the moment long enough to know I don't have to fear it. Now I'm going to give something productive a try for a bit. I think I'm going to make a batch of hot sauce. I have a new recipe I want to try out, and some people at work have been asking for a bottle or two. Regarding the coping, I'm putting in a lot of work on it, as we all do of course. It's obviously helping, and I tend to share the positives because I think they help the most, but there are some very low moments as well. I share those too, when I can't find a way through them on my own. It always helps being heard. Thanks for listening, Herc

I am feeling a little lost today. I have nothing to do, no where to go. In the past I would have looked at this as a wonderful thing, a day to spend with Christine, or just enjoy my time. Now I don't know what to do. The pleasures of the past all seem so empty without her, and the idea of starting something new that she isn't a part of is a bit frightening. I am contemplating spending the day in celebration of her life. Looking through old photos of happy times, and playing some of the CD's from her collection. I know that would bring tears, but smiles as well. The clock I got her for Christmas is ticking away the minutes hanging on the wall. This anxiety of needing to do something to fill the void isn't healthy. I will have to find a way to be comfortable in the minutes that have no purpose again. Not every minute will have a purpose, but simply letting them pass when all I wish is that she had more seems wasteful. One of our great pleasures was that we could sit, doing nothing near one another, and still be happy and content. We didn't feel the need to fill the void, because we were there to fill it for one another, even if just with our presence. I read through some of my old posts, here and elsewhere. The motivation I found isn't gone, it will return to me. It is just odd that today I am not distraught, wracked with grief, but neither am I positive and pushing forward, finding the will and means to heal and improve. Today I am just bored, with a slight ache in my heart that is asking me to do something with it, either plunge headlong into it to grapple with the emotions, or fill it with new hope and reminders of my love. Stuck, in limbo, with neither the energy to move forward, nor look fondly, but with melancholy, to the past. The cats are having a wonderful time with it, getting more attention than they have been, so I guess there are some good things coming out of the nothing I perceive. I think I will go for a walk, Christine always wanted us to exercise more. Maybe that will help raise my energy level. But I almost don't want to, at some point the long slow moments will have to be dealt with as well, or I will always be running away from them. Neither hurting nor healing at the moment, and trying to find the comfort in that as well, Herc

My positive is that I came up with what I think is a great idea for my stepdaughters birthday. It will be the first one without her mom, and I know it will be a very rough day for her. Christine was working on a quilt, hearts inside of squares, with each heart being unique. Some of the hearts are from clothing that our stepdaughter wore when she was younger, some of them were items of Christine's, and some of them were just patterns that she liked. I helped pick quite a few of those out at trips to the arts and crafts store. She had all the materials gathered, all of the hearts cut to shape, and about 1/4 of them sewed together to. She had been working on it for years, but just never found the time to really sit down and do a lot of it. I am going to take the quilt to a seamstress, and have them finish the job for our stepdaughter. The only problem I have with it is I think I should ask my stepdaughter before I do it in case she has aspirations of finishing the quilt herself. I would like it to be a surprise, but think that asking her is more important. I was wondering if anyone here had any idea on how to both make it a surprise and still get "permission"? I have thought of just getting the quote from the seamstress, and wrapping that up with the materials. I have also thought of asking if she wants to give the materials away to a relative of ours who quilts. There were several other positives as well, a light dusting of snow that was absolutely beautiful, but didn't involve any shoveling or bad roads. I got off work early, so I was able to come home and spend time talking with a friend. My stepdaughter broke out the scale, an indicator that she is getting into one of her exercise phases, which always makes her feel better. I stepped on the scale and discovered I lost 10 pounds, I could still stand to lose another 15 or so, but I'll take it, particularly considering I have been eating like a pig and not exercising any more than normal. Hoping you all find some easy positives, Herc PS - Up to page 25, The Mary's both had dishwasher disasters, Harry got a kick ass quilt, and several people took much needed and deserved rests. The community is a family, and everything is the way it is supposed to be.

Kay, We will see, I'm up to about page 10 now on this one, I got stuck at work last night and didn't have as much time to read as I would have liked. I really want to dive into the reflections and musings thread, it sounds like that one is right up my alley. One at a time though, which is always good advice. After I get those two down, we'll see about Going through Hell. I have skimmed it briefly, liked the lyrics to start GtH off, and was glad to see someone gave the nod to Churchill for the quote, you know how I like quotes. I have several positives today, two that happened yesterday. I think that will be the pattern, as I need a day to organize thoughts and reflect on things. I had a meeting with my new boss that I was dreading to a certain extent. It went much better than I expected, finding solutions and making preparations instead of pointing fingers and assigning blame. I can't get into the specifics, but it really went well. When I got home, I was able to help a friend of my stepdaughters who was critical in helping us through the initial days of the shock of losing Christine. It was amazing in those first few days the number of caring people that showed up to help. It was a real testament to how much love Christine had shared with those around her. Those selfless individuals stayed with us, foregoing their jobs, their own celebration of Christmas, their families. It was really touching. And while they have now largely gone back to their own lives, I know that I could call any of them for help at any time. So it was very nice being able to help, even if it was as simple as loaning him a drill. And the third one came from this morning as I was getting ready. My daughter fed the cats. Normally I do it in my morning routine, but she had already been up and took care of that part of it. I don't mind feeding them of course, but I want to see her more involved in some of the day to day things. She has very little structure right now, between having just graduated, so no school schedule, and waiting on starting her career until we get through a bit of this process. She has a waitress job, but the schedule is so flexible it doesn't really give her any stability. It was good to see her up early, even for something so little, and I hope she builds on it. Wishing everyone continued caring support from the important people in your lives, and a good start to the day, even if it is only the little things, Herc

Brad, I at one point was a voracious reader. I don't read that many books anymore, which may be something I pick up again soon. I can tear up a forum though. If I read all the drivel on my football board, I am sure the stories of the amazing people here will be a real page turner. I'm going to try to read the whole thing, we will see. I'm embracing the value of trying more and more these days, and learning to take as much pleasure in the effort as the results, which is another positive.

My positive for the day actually happened yesterday. I got to teach my stepdaughter how to cook a steak in a cast iron skillet last night. She was going to try it herself, but it just so happened that right as she finished sauteing the mushrooms and onions (another thing I recently taught her how to do), I walked in the door. I was able to show her how to get the perfect sear, and taught her how to tell how well done a steak is by feeling the palm of your hand and comparing it to the meat so you don't have to stick a fork in it and let the juices out. They were absolutely delicious and juicy, and best of all we got some more time to bond. Also I had enough time to read through the first six pages of this thread. The timeline from my perspective is that Queeniemary is getting back to her silver sneakers and tai chi classes; Harry is fixing up his house and planting a garden; KayC is shoveling snow, and cuddling her dog, and shoveling snow, and getting her bridge replace, and shoveling snow...well you get the picture; and KSBeachbum is taking time to smell the orange blossoms. There are also all sorts of other wonderful people doing wonderful things. It's like watching a TV show in some respects. I can't wait to check out the next few episodes. Wishing you all peace, comfort, and a mouthwatering meal, Herc

Thoughts, best wishes, and prayers for your sister George.

I get it. Christine and I had similar tastes in music so not on that front for me. For me it's TV. I am a fan of action movies and TV shows, she was always into crime documentaries and romantic comedies. I find myself binge watching things on Netflix that never would have been a thought 6 months ago.

My daughters picked this one out for the viewings after seeing how it affected me. I'll never hear it again without crying I am sure.

For me it depends on how they are feeling. My adopted daughter is in another state. She has a wonderful and supportive boyfriend/future fiancée who has been terrific throughout, but that is about her only support network in the area. Further, because she isn't a blood relative, she doesn't have a lot of outlets to the rest of the family that she talks with about her emotional state. But she is very open and emotionally expressive. With her, I get a gauge of whether she wants to talk about it, and if she does I let it all come out because I think it helps us both. If she isn't in the mood to talk about it, I usually deflect with whatever humor I can manage, and steer the conversation to more mundane topics. With my stepdaughter it is a little different. We had one emotional conversation almost immediately after Christine passed, and since then she has completely avoided any emotional conversations. She has been using avoidance as a coping mechanism on a lot of fronts, to the point she will disappear to friends houses for three or four days in a row, come home to get fresh clothes, then repeat the process. With her I tend to avoid the emotional discussions, but put feelers out every chance I get to see if she is ready to talk. I thought she was one night, but after I talked about it a little, she went to one word answers, repetitive non comital questions, and really negative body language. It couldn't have been clearer if she had been wearing a sign that said I don't want to talk about it. I guess it really breaks down to trying to figure out where the other person is in their grief and how they want to express it. I don't lie, but at the same time if they aren't ready, I can deflect and find another place to talk about what I am going through. Places like this for instance.

It is good to bring it up. As I was one of the people that mentioned they drink heavily, I appreciate the concern from both of you, truly. It is nice to have someone worry about you, even if they are relatively new people in your life, and possibly more so because of that fact. I'm aware alcohol is a depressant, and that it probably doesn't help the situation. I have also neither increased or decreased the amount I drink. This is normal for me, and for the lifestyle I had before. To change would be introducing a new factor at a time when I already have plenty of new factors. That having been said, I am trying to make positive changes in my life where I can throughout this process. The disruption to my life does give me the opportunity to change some patterns and behaviors in a positive way. But the way I view it, I am a responsible drinker. I never drink and drive, and while it is probably a bit on the heavy side as far as health concerns go, it doesn't affect my work, my relationships with family and friends, my growth as a functional caring person, or any other aspect of my life in a negative way that I am aware of. If it ever does, it will be time to take a good long hard look at it, and I encourage anyone who may think they have an issue with drinking to do so as well. But really, thank you for the concern, it is sweet, and if you ever see me typing with a slur, let me know I may have a problem.

I woke up feeling confident this morning. As I do every morning, the first thing I did was tell my honey that I love her, and that I know she loves me. Most mornings I choke up a bit when I say it, but today it was strong and left me feeling that she is with me in my heart to help me through the day. I read a bit of this thread last night and am looking forward to reading through it further at some point to get to know everyone here a bit better. I also love the concept of embracing the positive and can't wait to see some of those messages from other people's journeys. Hoping everyone finds some peace today, and if they can a little extra to help them through, Herc

Gwen, I haven't had the chance to talk to you before, so first let me say I am so sorry for your loss. Steve sounds like a wonderful, caring husband, and I am so sorry you are without him through your health issues, and indeed without him at all. I am only 45, and in good health, so I probably have many years before I have to deal with serious medical problems of my own. The prospect, and indeed likelihood that I will have to do so alone is daunting. You are an amazing person for dealing with it as you have. To continue to volunteer throughout it further proves the point. I know that volunteering is so important to you, and that not having that outlet is painful. I think someone mentioned phone volunteering, here, or in another thread. I know that many animal shelters and humane societies have phone volunteer programs now. I used to work for a shelter that had such a program. Essentially the volunteer matches lost dog reports that are called in by owners to the physical descriptions of dogs that are brought to the shelter. It may not be your cup of tea, but I thought I would mention the possibility. I don't think you are trying to stay stuck. I think that like all of us, you are having difficulty seeing any of the good things in life. Additionally the loss of your work volunteering has added another layer of grief to the whole puzzle, and a very recent one. Add in your health issues and your rut is deeper than most. I have trouble pulling myself out of the rut every day, if it were any deeper I can't imagine the strength and resolve it would take. Once again, to have dealt with it as you have shows what an amazing person you truly are. Hoping you find at least a little relief from your medical situations, and some comfort and peace in your life, Herc

Marg M, Thank you for your insights. You are one of those compassionate and caring people I mentioned. Your concern for others on this path is touching, and something I have been trying to embrace myself through this difficult time. The viking funerals you mention are something I studied for a while in my youth. In some cases, the women would board the boat before it was set to sea, and then set it ablaze once it got a good distance from shore. Until this experience, I had trouble understanding how anyone could do that, but I get it all too well now. I too though have to stay, and further find some kind of meaning in the landscape of this new life. It's going to take a long time and a lot of hard work, but I have had a few glimpses that encourage me I can get there. While I wish none of us had reason to be on a website like this, I am glad for the excellent company. Thank you again, Herc

MartyT and KayC, Thank you both for the kind words and the welcome. I'm trying to get to Marty's article, but having a very busy and stressful morning at work so haven't found the time yet. I don't know about the wise man stuff, just doing the best I can in a horrible situation, but I do appreciate the thought. I can already tell what a healing place this is, with compassionate and caring people.

Thanks KayC, good to be here doesn't apply for anyone on this site of course, but it is nice to see a friendly face.

Numb and Lost, I am sorry your relationship was so complicated. The pain of dealing with that in addition to your loss must be staggering. Your love for him shows through every word you type. No one who has felt that kind of love deserves the pain we have all felt, and I am truly sorry for your loss. I am also sorry for responding quickly to you in the searching for a way to heal thread. I should have read some of your previous posts before I spoke to you. It wouldn't have changed what I said, but it would have altered how I said it. I would have added that you don't have to let go of your love, emotions, thoughts, memories, who he was, what he meant to you, or what you built together either. You may not be able to share those things with some significant people in your life, but they are still yours. You don't have to let them go, and you never will.

That is one of the beauties of forums like this, you can vent, and there will be people who understand everything you are saying. Of course it isn't a replacement, nothing ever will be. That is the unfortunate misery that joins everyone here. I was having grief attacks on my commute home every night for a while. It was getting dangerous, and I had to find a way to stop it. I took a dozen roses to my wife's grave for Valentine's Day, and after I put them in the holder, I tucked the ribbon that had tied them together in my coat pocket. A few days later as I was preparing for my ride home, trying to relax before starting the car up I started digging through my pockets for a cigarette and felt the ribbon. It immediately brought me some peace, and focus. So I tied it around my mirror, and now whenever I feel one of those grief attacks come on while I am driving, I just touch the ribbon, tell my wife how much I love her, and that I know she still loves me. It has worked so far. I don't know if you have anything of hers that has brought you peace like that. I don't know if it would help you if you did. I don't even know if mine will continue to help me tomorrow, I am day to day. I do know I still talk to her, and even if she can't hear me, it helps, Herc

gdragon33, I am so sorry for your loss and that of your children. Losing your stepdaughter on top of it must be brutal. I hope that her biological father is aware, supportive and caring, and that you at least have frequent contact with her. I know that dealing with my daughters biological father has been challenging at times. But at least if we don't see eye to eye on most things, we both have our daughters best interests at heart. I also know the feeling of needing to be strong for your children, it is something I want to work on, because I think I may lose touch with them emotionally if I don't share my grief with them, and allow them to share theirs with me. My wife was always the one to deal with that side of things, and now I am not sure how to go about it. I know I can never fill her shoes, but my daughters do still need that parental emotional outlet. I also drink heavily, although I did that before as well. I don't think I am at the too heavily point, but I do have to keep my mind on it to make sure it doesn't get worse with time. I hope you are getting some medical help for the anxiety and blood pressure issues, our children need us now more than ever. I also hope you get some rest, peace, and comfort, Herc

Numb and Lost, I don't think that accepting and letting go are the same thing. I have accepted that my wife has passed. I have accepted that there is nothing I can do about that. I have accepted that if I am to move forward in this world, I will have to find a way to do it without her physical support. But I have not let go of her love. I have not let go of the emotions, thoughts, or memories that we shared. I have not let go of who she was, what she meant to me, or what we built together. And the part that gives me hope, and lets me be positive about some things, is that I don't have to, and I never will.

Autumn2, Thank you, and hugs to you as well. Numb and Lost, It is a process, I guess I got lucky somehow and made a large stride early on, if anyone in these horrible circumstances can be called lucky. Everyones grief is unique, as is our path through it. Do what you need to do for yourself, take it one step at a time, and eventually you will make the progress you can at the time, and at the time you need to.

Hello everyone, I've read a lot of posts on this forum, and been sharing regularly elsewhere. My wife Christine officially passed two months and two days ago. Christmas morning is the day the paramedics made the call, but I found her collapsed on the bathroom floor on Christmas eve and knew she was gone immediately. We had known one another for the past 12 years, and feel in love almost immediately. We were married for the last 6. She was 49, and though she had some serious medical conditions, we were supposed to have many years left to grow old together. We have two 22 year old children, my stepdaughter, and an unofficially adopted daughter, both of whom I consider my own. Our adopted daughter lives in Florida, where she went to college. She is planning on moving back to Maryland at the end of April. That had been the plan all along, but Christine's passing has accelerated it. My stepdaughter lives in our condo, which is now her condo. My wife and I met in the courtyard of our condo building, and throughout our relationship kept both condos. Christine needed space for her home office and home based business, and I was happy to have a whole apartment for a man cave. It was an unusual living situation, but it worked so well for us. Now I am moving back into my condo, and helping my daughters take the home that had been ours. I was at my condo wrapping a few last minute gifts for her the night she passed, so I wasn't with her in her last moments. I had some guilt about that at first, but have resolved it for the most part. I was in absolute shock until a day or two before Valentine's day. I could function normally for the most part, go to work, attending meetings with lawyers, make the arrangements, but it was all done in a daze. The moments I wasn't shuffling like a zombie, or nodding my head yes and hoping I was making good decisions, I was lost in my grief, crying almost non stop and just trying to find a way through the pain of losing half my heart. That was when I found the other forum, and started really digesting the passing of my wife. I am at a point now where I can be positive at times. I have accepted her passing and am trying to find my way forward in this harsh new world without her. It still hurts almost every minute, but I have found a few moments of comfort, and know I will find more. There are still moments where all I can do is sit, feel the pain of my loss, and cry for what should have been. But there are also moments where I know she is with me, in spirit, in my heart, or just in my memories. I can think of her and smile now, even if there are still tears in my eyes, which was all I asked for in those first few horrible weeks. I doubt I will ever heal from this loss, and I wouldn't want to. She was a part of me, and she is now gone. But I am beginning to think that I can find some kind of life after her, one that I can be proud of, and one which she will always be a part of, even if she isn't here physically. I have gotten to this point in my grieving process by sharing openly, and think that sharing here as well might be comforting. Wishing you all comfort and peace, Herc