CairnLady

I have no interest in dating or “finding someone” no matter how lonely I am because no matter who it is, they would all have the same problem. They wouldn’t be Michael. He has my love, my heart, my soul. Forever.

Sometimes I become furious and hateful towards my husband for dying on me and leaving me to suffer this way. Then I become riddled with guilt for feeling that way.

Gwen, I so agree about wanting/ needing that feeling that we mean something in this world. I loath this prison from which I cannot escape that my existence has become. It is not a life. I am also isolated, alone, lonely, desperate and filled with dread each day. No family that gives a rat’s butt, no friends. The only real peace I get is when I can manage to sleep for a few hours each night. If it weren’t for my 2 dogs, who I love with all my heart, and who love me, I doubt I would still be here.

Thank you all so much for your kind words! I’m looking forward to when things begin to bloom, so I will post more photos when that happens. Blessings to all!

Today, May 25th, is my husband Michael’s birthday, his 3rd birthday in Heaven. He would have been 57 today. I am very sad today, lots of tears (but that is my life now, isn’t it?). I’m not very good at finding the right words to express my feelings, but today I will pick distraught. Michael was everything to me. He. loved to garden and grow things. He loved nature and animals. He loved to cook, and he was an awesome one. People always liked him right off the bat. And he loved me, with all his heart. The most special gift of all. For his birthday, and as a memorial to him, I had landscapers come in (started last month) and made a butterfly garden for him, and I also planted a vegetable garden in his honor. There’s even a trestle with mature Concord grapes. All of it is for him. The plants in the butterfly garden are still young, but the variety ensures beauty starting in spring and all through summer to early fall (there’s tulips and daisy bulbs, butterfly bushes, hibiscus/ bee balm, Blazing Star, lilac, Bleeding Heart, Holly Hock, Black eyed Susan, Milk Weed, Holly hock, liriope, Milk weed, Original Lily and cone flower). Theres also a bird feeder and bird bath, a custom sign I had made and a plaque. In the vegetable garden I planted tomatoes, cucumbers, red peppers, red onions and sweet peas. I took some photos I would like share. I will always love you Michael, and will miss you every day for the rest of my life! I hope you like your garden, my love.

You have to follow your own heart on this.

George, So very sorry for your loss. This is the group no one wants to join, but you will find understanding and support from the folks here. This is a place where you can safely post all your thoughts and feelings. I lost my husband very suddenly and unexpectedly in July 2016. Almost 3 years and I still struggle with grief. One day at a time, and to borrow a saying from another member, one foot in front of the other. Sending you wishes for peace in your heart, comfort and solace.

JTP, I am truly so very sorry for your loss. I lost my beloved husband Michael suddenly in July 2016 (coming up on 3 years). I still struggle. We were married 27 years. I absolutely understand. I see myself in your words. As Dee said, I do my best to take one day at a time, otherwise my grief overwhelms me. It indeed is a monster. I am glad you have a good support system, but sometimes people says things that are callous and hurtful because they cannot begin to fathom your pain and what you are going through. Only those who have suffered this greatest and most horrible loss can understand. I send you my sincere wishes for peace in your heart, comfort and solace.

Kayc, Wishing you a speedy recovery. Rest and be extra good to yourself.

Mitch, i send you wishes for peace and solace on your birthday. I hope there is at least one thing today that brings some lightness, or perhaps even a smile for you. Bless you.

Kay, So sorry to read about your diagnosis! You will also be in my prayers that your surgery goes well and you have a complete recovery. Sending peace and blessings to you, as the “hurry up and wait” for the 10th to arrive seems a taxing time, so be extra good to yourself.

Darrel, So very, very glad for you! I can sense your feelings of solace in your words. I send blessings and peace to you!

Darrel that sounds like a great plan! i am in Kentucky now. When I was a child we would come here in the summer to visit my uncles, aunts & cousins. I loved it so much, those trips here, had the best of times, and I always loved horses (used to ride in my younger days) Of course now everyone has passed away, except for a couple of cousins. I always wanted to live in Kentucky since those days, but of course wanted Michael here too. it is bittersweet and a cruel twist of fate that I finally came to live here, under these circumstances. I am here to stay though, and my dogs are very happy here, and their happiness matters most to me now . it reminds me of “be careful what you wish for, you just might get it”

Mitch i feel I’m in the same kind of stuck place. Every morning I pray for peace in my heart. Then I tell Michael how much I love him and miss him terribly. Then I start to cry. Like others I have physical challenges and feel cheated, robbed of my future that was “supposed to be” with Michael and am very isolated and alone ( except for my dogs) when I try to think of how to make “a new life”, I simply have no answers. All I see is “empty”

Darrel Best wishes to you on your move. Hope all goes smoothly and safe. Moving is a very stressful thing, but so happy for you that you are moving towards a place that you look forward too. I have moved twice in the 2 and a half years since I lost my dear Michael. I’ll spare everyone the unhappy details, but I think part of my motivation was trying to run away from my grief and trauma. Needless to say it didn’t work, as I can’t escape from me, wherever I go, there I am. Please know I always think of “one foot in front of the other” when things are darkest for me. Thank you for that

Another one of my counselor’s pearls of wisdom she tells me is: ”It’s OK to be Ok” i find that I have to repeat that to myself like a mantra. it doesn’t always work unfortunately.

I constantly beat myself up. When my counselor tells me I need to stop doing that and being so hard on myself, my response is “But I’m so damn good at it”

Darrel, My beloved Michael was a wonderful cook and baker. Like a master chef without the formal training. He made so many delicious meals and desserts. A simple trip to the kitchen to fix myself a sandwich or the rattle of pots & pans is enough to trigger tears for me. The last thing he made for me before he died was his lasagna. I’ll never be able to eat lasagna again. I hope you had a peaceful birthday, and that some small joy, or something to let you know your dear Cookie was with you. Bless you.

Happy Birthday Peace and health be with you.

kayc Unfortunately, I do not know the original source. it was sent to me in an email from another widow who runs a widows meetup group in NJ and simply said she saw it as part of the obituary for an unknown woman’s husband some time ago.

Thought this was very beautiful and moving. As Darrel so eloquently stated, faith and hope are free..... Wet eyes alert.... Together In Heaven My dearest friends and family there are things I'd like to say: first of all I'll let you know I arrived here safe today. I am sending word from heaven where I'll dwell with God above; there are no tears and sorrow, there is only peace and love. I had to leave you as my time on earth was through; loved ones waited for me just as I will wait for you. God gave me many tasks he wishes me to do; high up on the list is watching over all of you. Don't think I do not hear you because I am out of sight; remember I am with you every morning, noon and night. When your load gets heavy don't cry too many tears; then I can whisper to you what you will need to hear. I always will be near you to guide you through each day; remember when you need me I am just a thought away. Our love will build a highway and our memories a lane; I'll walk right down from heaven and be with you again. Remember when you miss me and I am on your mind; although you will not see me I'll be just a step behind. When your life on earth is over and your soul is finally free; believe me when I tell you, you'll be coming home with me."

I too hope that 2019 is a better year for all of us. Darrel, my thoughts and prayers go out to you this day, which I know is so terribly hard for you. I too had to make that decision and sign those papers. In a few days it will be two and a half years for me. I have yet to make it through an entire day without crying an ocean of tears. My mountain of anxiety starts in the early hours each day, and soon thereafter the tsunami of grief comes and gut punches me in to the abyss where I flounder, reliving those horrible events. Some days I can climb out in a relatively short time, other days it’s an all day battle. Only in the late afternoon and evenings am I mostly ok, most likely because I am simply exhausted emotionally. It is my hope again for this year (as it was for 2018) that I can finally get to a place where I can make it through a day without tears. I didn’t make it today. Dear Lord, I pray, please help us all find peace, comfort, and the strength to carry our grief each day.

My wish for all of us is a measure of peace and solace.

Darrel, That is such a wonderful photo.

I’m so glad you’re here kayc...the years have given you an insight and wisdom that I cherish. I am still very much a cork lost in the ocean, and your words offer hope to me when I have little. Your advice on finding something good in each day is an example, and I have made it a practice for myself each day.