widow'15

Oh yes Gin, the VA benefits have also helped my son in law and my daughter's life in so many ways. My SIL served in Vietnam and after applying for disability benefits their standard of living improved greatly. Hopefully someone will be able to change his mind to at least to make that call to make an appointment to talk with the VA. Keeping you in my thoughts. Dee

Hi all: Sorry I have not been responding lately, but I have poked in off and on without signing on and have been reading some of the latest on the Grief Forum, just haven't had the brain power to compose my thoughts and feelings. This old lady has just been so worn out organizing, purging, packing, moving, telephone calls and all that stuff one has to do to move after living in a home for over 24 years and 51 years accumulation of "stuff". Like Gwen mentioned in yesterday's post when she decided to make some changes to Steve's room, or Marg opened up one of her plastic tubs full of photos and memories ....... "Why Did I Do This" ? I honestly know what drove me to make the decision to move, too much house to maintain and too much to keep clean, etc., but the actual task of completing the decision has been more than I bargained for. My kids are doing so much to help, but some of their previously made plans to help have had to be changed for different reasons. The convoluted process of dealing with the county permitting offices finally ended so that means less worry in that department. I have scheduled the moving company to move the larger items; sofa, washer, dryer, etc., on June 3 and then the monumental task of emptying and listing my present home. I am dreading that last time I walk out the front door, but it has to be. I will take all my happy memories while living here with me when I leave. That includes Bob's hat that has sat where he last placed it 6 years ago on the kitchen counter with his sunglasses atop. It will have a place with in my new home. Gin, am so sorry to read of your son's accident, surgery, and now court case. How awful he has to fight for workman's compensation. Your not knowing how he is must be so difficult. We can't stop being a Mother to our kids no matter how old they are. My doctor would not refill my BP and thyroid RX's without an office visit. Since it has has been over a year since I've been to see her I am not surprised at her request. So I did the deed and had my blood work done last week and will meet with her on Friday. Will definitely ask her to please prescribe something to get me to sleep before 3 am every morning. The brain doesn't shut down just because I'm yawning and ready to sleep. One positive thing is as I was cleaning out my medicine cabinet, I found a few more Xanax that my previous doctor of 17 years had prescribed for me when Bob passed away. She was one of those doctors that really cared how we widows needed to deal with the anxiety of being alone. When I requested a refill with this present doctor she said she would not write a RX for Xanax. Keeping my fingers crossed for something as I do need sleep to get through what's still ahead of me. Thanks for thinking of me. Will try to do better about being on line. I have missed you all. Dee s

What I am finding more and more is when I have a difficult time of day, or an upsetting day, how I head to this Forum to find visual comfort or solace that helps get me up to the next hurdle. Yes, a simple word or two can help lift up others, or to hear others getting through their struggles gives me the courage not to give in to my weaknesses. In other words, it helps to know you are there. Hugs all, Dee

Marg: Every day, I still thank God for giving me another day, but in my next breath I have to ask him why did you have to take my husband from me? I so much could use his strong shoulders to get me through these difficult times. I know the answer deep down, but I still have to ask. Good to hear your son is leaning towards changing his mind. Take care. Hugs, Dee

kayc: Yes, a gentle rain for a couple of days would be helpful over here. Not wanting to sound self centered, but last week my "Gramma House" was hydro seeded, a county permit requirement, which means watering those little seeds to keep them viable. My son has to come home after a long day of working and water in the dark. It's either feast or famine in the Pacific NW weather department. I, too, worry about the fires burning in wooded areas. It's too early to have this kind of warm weather. Yes, the wrap around sunglasses are always with me. If I work in my yard, I also wear one of those visors to tone down the sunshine glare. Only problem, sun glasses makes it really difficult to see weeds. So, I find I get more pleasure just sitting instead of weeding anymore. My yard is losing it's appeal. 😎 Dee

Yes Gwen, it was toasty in Tacoma today. Feels so good but spent only a little time out in it. The bright sun is a killer with my macular degeneration. I did sit on my deck in the shade for awhile and enjoyed the birds. Looks like we have a few more days of this kind of weather. Maybe I'll take one of my wool blankets off my bed tonight. LOL. Hope this warm weather gives your back some relief. My knees hurt less. Enjoy. Dee

Yes, I agree about the Shingrix shots. The first shot was not so bad. But, the second one really hurt and I felt really awful for about 3 days. My daughter recently had her first one and it was really tough on her as well. I hope she doesn't suffer with the second shot as well. My son, who isn't 50 years old yet, came down with shingles shortly after his Dad passed away. Not only did he have to deal with grief, he had to suffer through the discomfort and pain. Guess age has little to do with coming down with shingles. Dee

Gwen: Oh I so feel your pain where your loss of Ally is felt. I have definitely noticed how less messy my carpet is since my Maddie is gone. One of her sleeping places was up against my dark colored sofa near the hallway to the front door. The back of the dark sofa would always be coated with white dog fur and the carpet would be covered with fir needles she'd bring inside with her fluffy coat. Would give anything to have that mess again. So miss the need to be needed by a sweet, funny, lovable creature. Hugs, Dee

kayc: I would hope your minister's wife was thinking she was looking out for you, but I do understand your thinking she was interfering. I have never really enjoyed others thinking they know what is best for me, no matter what it is. Our independence is so important and we know what we can handle. The driving for me is coming more of an issue due to my vision problems and....... not too mention how awful traffic can be in my city. I think you are doing amazingly well and envy your energy. IMO being planted where we are happiest is on top of the list. Dee

Gwen: I'm sure the reason I haven't been called in for blood work is because I haven't had to change medications, plus the covid issue has surely caused oversights. My thyroid medication has remained the same for years. My blood pressure medications have also remained the same. Except, when my primary care doctor that I had seen for almost 20 years retired and I started with the new doctor........ she did drop one of my meds; a water pill medication and she wondered why my previous gp even prescribed. I couldn't provide any answer other than I thought it was to help with bp issue. Thought that was a funny comment from the new, younger doctor. Miss my previous doctor. She didn't decline a request from me for low dosage xanax after Bob passed and I was having sleep issues. New doctor won't renew. She believes it and most over the counter pain pills, advil, aleve, etc., create dementia issues. The dementia issues have already set in, I'm afraid. When I left my house to come to my son's today, I couldn't remember if I'd closed garage door. So looped around the block to check. I had closed it, but could not recall doing it. And, when I got to my son's property, I noticed I had left on the bathroom light from last weekend. LOL No, don't want any medical emergencies.......and am sorry when I read about others going through grief as well as medical problems. Dee

Gwen: My current primary care doctor was doing zoom appointments, I believe, when the shutdown was in effect. I haven't made any appointments since covid. I know there is going to be a day when she is going to have me come in for blood work in order to renew my thyroid medication. Thankfully she is only a few minutes from my present home and in a small clinic without elevators and huge parking lot. All this will change when I get myself moved. Yes, still working on getting myself moved to my son's property. I do spend most weekends there gradually settling in. I have to shame myself for being such a hoarder of clothing. Since I hate to shop I guess I thought I would eventually fit into those smaller sizes. Now, I'm having to haul them away to St. Vincent's. Was hoping the weather was going to cooperate more and had hoped to have more help from my kids. My son's trucking job does not allow days off. He put in for the day off for his birthday, which is allowed, but his manager conveniently lost the request. I guess it has been a blessing he hasn't lost any work because of covid, but it has been awfully tough on him and my moving plans. Looks like the weather is finally turning nicer and what is so amazing is how it usually rains every weekend when he is off. 🙄 My daughter came up from Oregon a few weeks back and helped some, but with her pain and other issues, she is only able to help for a couple of days. Oh well. It will all work out as it should be. kayc: Your sister sounds like me. Like I wrote above, I am dreading being called in for blood work in order to get medication refilled. Once I go in I am afraid my doctor will have me go for other appointments and it really can be a hassle for me getting to some of the appointments, so I just ignore the knee pain and continue on the best I can with over the counter pills. So far, no emergencies like Joyce is facing, or what Gwen has to endure daily. And, kayc, you are a blessing to your sister. Dee

Yes, Gwen I agree with you. I have avoided the zoom thing as long as I can. Seems it is being pushed more and more. I'm too old and stubborn to want to learn anything different anymore. Good for you, you are keeping up with the new world. I envy your drive. You deserve a pat on the back, you should be proud of yourself for not giving up. Hugs, Dee

Joyce: Good to hear from you, but am so sorry you are dealing with these health issues. The situation with the "little toe" is certainly enough, but to have to deal with a cyst, and then hip surgery to follow. Oh my goodness!!! Keeping you in my thoughts. Dee

Gwen: Thanks for update. Good to know she is home and resting. And Joyce, keeping you in our thoughts. Take care, Dee

Gwen: Oh no ! I feel your distress about your dentist retiring. I have already given the dental hygienist in my dentist's office when they moved 45 minutes away from my home instead of a brief 7 minute drive, I would follow them......which includes the dentist of course. BUT, you can not retire until I leave this earth. After moving to Oregon years ago, my daughter has been unable to find a dentist she trusts in her smallish town, so she makes appointments with our family dentist to coincide with her visits with me. Dee

Gwen: So kind of you to pay attention to all of us. I, too, hope she is well and will respond shortly. Dee

Yes, Pat it is so hard. We here understand how hard it is. Right after my husband passed I attended a weekly Grief Support Group for about three months. Of course, this was before Covid. The Group was a religious based support group and even though I wasn't a very religious person I found great comfort being in the group of others that had lost someone they loved. One of the statements I remember so clearly shared by the group leader was; when there are times when you don't know what to do, just get through the next minute, then the next hour, and finally the next day. It seems simplified but some days it is not so simple. Dee

Oh my, she is such a little "stinker". Guess there is no convincing her what is best for her. Kinda like when I'd try to give Maddie her big pills. I tried everything and she'd always drop them at my feet. You did advise the peanut butter routine at the time and that worked if the pills were small. I had to have most of her meds compounded. More costly of course. Miss my little stubborn girl so much. Just keep loving her, which I know you will. Hugs, Dee.

Pat R: In my opinion I don't think we shed "too many tears". We shed how many tears are required for us to find some temporary relief from that pain that is embedded in the center of our body. As others have already commented, Pat, you are in the beginning of your grief. Even after almost six years without my husband, I still can break into tears over a trigger; a reminder of what used to be. I have always found enjoyment working in our yard and even now when I am outside I still expect my husband to come find me to see what I was doing. Unfortunately now, my time in the yard is limited due to my aches and pains, but it does give me some satisfaction to be outside where he created so many projects for me........... such as my lawn tool shed, or the tripod for my clematis vine to climb, or the arbor for my honeysuckle to climb. It's almost like he is still out there somewhere watching over me while I work. Please know, I understand how you feel. Warm thoughts. Dee

Gwen: Exactly what I was trying to say about Mel. She loves you being her Mom even though you feel you can't do what you used to for her. I can imagine Mel being confused with that strange man with the canister. Oh, if only they could talk to us and tell us what they think. kayc: Your Kodie is also lucky to have you. You deserve him as well. Dee

Gwen: I understand your feelings where Mel is concerned. You know how difficult it was for me when I couldn't walk Maddie any longer. I was fortunate to find a dog walker who took over for me for awhile before her cancer got to the point of being in charge. From what you describe about Melody being less social than Allie it would be great if you couldn't employ a young kid to throw the ball for her. The neighborhood kids used to come down to my yard and play with Maddie every so often. She loved interacting with the kids as she was originally raised around kids before I adopted her. After Bob passed I was able to take her out for walks in the park or in the neighborhood for a few years. Then my knees gave out on me. I felt so sorry for her being owned by a broken old person. So yes, I know your guilt feelings. So sorry you feel those feelings, but she is your fur baby and you both need each other. Hugs to you both. Dee

Marg: I, too, have decided that when the time comes to give up the car keys I will do that. I realize the time will come since I have macular degeneration. Right now I have to be selective of time of day and traffic conditions before I get in my car. I would never forgive myself if I should cause an accident and hurt anyone while driving. I think it's okay to be scared about our failings. Until then, I force myself to find the will to "put one foot in front of the other" like one of our longtime Grief Forum members reminds us. Take care, Dee

Good for you Marge, slipping off on your own. I envy your bravado and good to read you enjoyed the heck out of your trip. I understand your need to continue being able to do things on your own. I am constantly telling my two kids I will ask for help when I need it. I realize they are showing their love for me by being overly concerned and am thankful for them as I know you are of your children. Independence is what we need to continue to strive for as long as we can. Dee

Pat R: Of course you don't know what to do since losing your dear wife, Rhonda. Your story of her illness and treatments had to be so difficult for her, you and your family. I wish there were not a reason for you to join this forum, but hopefully you will find some solace from members here as you begin this pathway of grief. I found this Grief Forum after losing my husband after 50+ years of marriage..... soon to be six years ago. The one piece of advice I chose to follow is to take one day at a time. I am still trying to get used to my husband not being here with me. Keeping you in my thoughts. Dee

Gwen: So glad you responded to ohsosad.......it is just what I would have said. We don't mean to offend or be offended, but unfortunately it is one of our human faults in my opinion. Dee