widow'15

😞 Feeling so badly for you Gwen. Good you can get relief by getting in your car and changing your disappointing feelings. Big caring hug for you. Dee

ECR: What comes to me as I read your question about hope to look forward to....is that beautiful baby that you and your dear wife created. As you look at your baby, I'm sure you hope what is best for her and her future. Again, as one of our long time Forum members used to say, "One Day @ a Time". Dee

Gwen: You should not feel worthless......your understanding of our feelings here on the Forum and your uplifting words have helped me so many times. As I have said previously, I wish there were some solution for your pain that would not be going into surgery. Yes, you are necessary for your sweet animals, and I know there are times they feel like a burden, but the moments they give you joy far outweigh the burdensome days. Hugs, Dee

ECR: I am so sorry to read about your tragic loss. There are no words that come to mind that could help relieve your pain at such a tragedy. Please know, we here on the Forum, understand what grief is even though each of us have experienced a different loss. After I lost my husband the best advice I learned here is to just get through one day at a time; or possibly one minute at time, and try not to look past today. It is good that you have the support of friends and a counselor's help. My thoughts are with you. Dee

Gwen and Marg, too. Even though I have never thought about keeping dying patients in an euphoric state, I have to agree that that should be the only way to lessen their struggles. My dear Mother was diagnosed with vascular dementia and was under hospice care towards the end. The drugs she was given kept her in a deep sleep. I don't think she was in pain. During her last hours, my daughter, who adored her Grandmother, held her continually and would not leave her bedside until the hospice social worker suggested I take my daughter out for a short walk. They said as long as my mother was being held in her arms she would not pass. I convinced my daughter we needed to go out for just a few minutes and we walked down the street, and by the time we returned, my Mother had passed. Dee😢

Oh Gwen how sad for you to have that in your memory. Those words brought me to tears. I can't even begin to fathom the sadness of hearing your Steve say those words to you. You seem to have some control presently maintaining your living area. Only you will know when you need to make your decision. I do carry Bob's words in my memory as he was reorganizing our investment plan after the 2008 financial crises, he asked if he were to pass away would I sell the house. My reply was, "Yes, it would be the first thing I would do since I knew I could never keep it up alone". Six years after his passing, I am finally following through on my response and hopefully moving onto an easier life. My old body and brain just can't manage it anymore as emotional as it is. We just have to do what is best for each of us. I don't think I am strong, just really tired. But, thank you for the thoughts. Dee

Gwen: I'll respond to your paragraph, even though I am not totally moved. I wish I would not have had to move but in my situation I felt I had no other choice. I would have loved to stay put in the last home Bob and I worked on and loved for many reasons. Like you, this move reminds me every minute how much I miss my husband and the life we had; the triggers are everywhere. Each box I pack, each drawer I empty has a reminder of those years we were a happy couple. As I get closer to the end of this trek, I ask God to please continue to give me the energy to keep going and not stop. I know I won't be able to fill the void of what I had, but maybe whatever happens after all is done, I hope I can settle into a quiet life with less to worry about. Silly me...... we all know that doesn't always happen. 🤔 Dee

Marg, Like Kieron I got to read your "word salad" late last night before I went to bed and as I was reading it all I could think of is how in the world could any human endure such medical treatments. I shudder to think how your poor little body survived. I am embarrassed to complain about my aches and pains after what you had to go through. Hugs to you. Dee

Gwen: I'm so in tune to what you stated about how quickly this world we have to fight alone is constantly updating and changing. My old brain can't keep up nor can my old laptop. I am happy to read confirmation on the software update. I thought I was losing my mind, cause I could not sign on. I had to try to remember which email account and password I signed on to the Forum years ago. Also, am getting nervous about ordering my groceries. The last two times I ordered pick up service from Fred Meyers, I have had to struggle. And now again this week. So, then I thought I'd try Safeway, not working there either. I have to constantly self talk myself down from wanting to scream out loud when all of these issues arrive. I am so sorry you lost Steve's voice on your telephone. I totally know how that feels. I hope your friend can retrieve the recording. I wanted to save Bob's voice on his cell phone when I deleted my cell and use his cell, but the Verizon sales agent misunderstood me and ended up cancelling his line instead of mine. Shortly after Bob passed away I had to change the landline phone with his voice, hearing his beautiful voice so early in my grief was too painful. I wished I had replaced the tape with a new tape instead.....I think I could've done that ??? I made myself go out today and do a few errands. One errand was to drop off the paperwork for a disabled parking placard. I was surprised they would be handing me a placard today. Parking in even small parking lots I have noticed, or I seem to think people are hurrying more, and not paying attention to this old lady walking slowly with her cane. My peripheral vision is not so good either so can't always tell when someone is rushing to a vacant parking spot. Dee

Tamera, beautiful words and thoughts shared by you for your Richard. My thoughts are with you as you face the year anniversary of your loss. Hugs, Dee

James, I agree with your words. I am thankful for my little family that insisted to watch over me. My husband was a great Dad for my two children and a wonderful husband leaving me much later in life than your loss at such a young age. I come to this forum like you for the warm support on those days I need to know I am not alone. I hope you will continue to search for some contentment in your life. Dee

Gwen: I don't think you are babbling. I wish I had your ability to put my feelings down in writing so beautifully like you and so many of you on this site. Your sharing your words helps in so many ways by helping guide me through those dark days. My son has been very supportive since Bob passed away, but I have to be careful how I share my sad days with him. And, due to his busy life; two children and a divorce in his past, I try not to be too involved in his free time. I feel blessed he wants me close by, but I hope once moved I can maybe find my way to a group at the senior center as well as help with my grand daughter until she is old enough to come home alone from school. Gives me something to think about. So, you keep babbling if that is what you think you're doing. Hugs, Dee

Oh kayc, wishing this bad luck streak will disappear for you quickly. You have been through enough. Your son's knowledge will hopefully give you answers. So sorry Peggy's dementia has progressed. Sending you good thoughts and hugs. Dee

Yes, Karen, as kayc said, I hope you get to take your trip with Robert. That sounds like a good change of scenery for you. And kayc, I am so envious in all that you get done. Seems like you have one foot in the road constantly. I am also envious of your little companions, your Kodie, Gwen's Mel and Karen's Marley. I do get to spend a little time with my son's elderly yellow lab. She is really old but even though she is deaf, she must have the ability to pick up my scent from across the yard. I spoil her with treats whenever I am there. Dee

That's a definite explanation of those days...... "emotional days". Seems even though the years are passing so swiftly, those days still stir deep feelings of emotions. Dee

Thank you Gwen. It was painful, but some days, as you know, are more painful than others. I managed to get through the day and had some distractions seeing how my furniture looks in my new place and spending time with son and family.. I just received this photo. The picture was taken from my new neighbors yard. That doorway is my backdoor and my kitchen window......there is a fence between my son's property, but you can't see it too well. Oh wish I had been there. Have never sent a photo before, so hope this works. As you can tell, I'm really changing my lifestyle. LOL Dee

KarenK: Oh my, what a wonderful family. You proved me wrong in my thinking there aren't families that get together weekly. Can't imagine cooking such a meal for so many people. Sounds fun, though. Thanks for sharing your story. Dee

Good you're finished with Nomadland. None of us need downers in our life since life is full of downers. I watch Blue Bloods and I have often wondered if there really are families that get together every Sunday every week of the year. When my kids were first married I tried unsuccessfully to get the family together once a month and found it an impossibility, so gave up on it. Someone was always not available. I spent the past two days purging more and more stuff that I should have thrown away years ago. The only furniture remaining are items that will have to be sold, dumped or given away which includes one bed to sleep in. My furniture has been moved to the new place and I will be spending tomorrow, the date I married Bob back in 1964, going through so many memories and reminders of a life that is now gone and no more. Gwen, I remembered you mentioned you won't have to face what I'm going through as you will have an executor take care of it. I envy you totally. I know I will get through this and I have to, since it was my idea to move. LOL kayc: Sorry you're going through so much with your sisters. I agree some families aren't ideal and right now you seem to be dealing with more than you should. But, if I went into my family details, I'm sure you'd not be willing to trade. Wishing some solution for you and your family. Dee

Gwen: Oh my, thanks for the information on this movie. I'm not into many current movies and this one sounds like a downer for sure. Maybe if I ever have my head in a different place and my life is calmer and bored with all the re-runs on TV, I might forget your synopsis of the movie and watch it. But, right now I thank you. Dee

kayc: That's sounds like a great idea. In my opinion, it sounds like she let her husband do all the taking care of her while he was alive. He must've been a saint. You do need to find others to help her for sure. It's not fair........ Good luck. Dee

Gwen: So sorry your pain is getting more intolerable. Keeping you in my thoughts. Dee

kayc: So sorry to read it is wet MD. I agree for your sake she should call senior & disabled services if it is available for her. Not knowing what her income level is can determine her ability to use disabled services. I felt fortunate to find someone to drive me once I started getting injections in both eyes. At first my friends and neighbors offered to drive, but I could see I could not continue to accept their help and hired the lady who used to walk my sweet Maddie. I will miss her service once I move. I asked if she would drive me and she said yes, but due to distance and time, the cost would be prohibitive. So I will be looking for a service closer to where I will be living plus will probably have to change retinal specialists. Also, the injections are very costly so am hoping she has a good supplemental. Depending on how her eyes react to the injection medications can also change throughout her treatments. I wonder if her dementia created an inability to remember she had MD. I don't think I have full blown dementia yet, but some days I don't want to remember what my old body needs. Losing my husband at 74, kinda late in life, as we all know, throws life into a tailspin. I am on a Facebook site, Macular Degeneration Support Group, that has helped me keep up what is to be expected of this disease. My heart goes out to you and your sister. Dee

kayc: I am surprised she hasn't gone blind. Not clear on what type of macular degeneration she has. Is it dry MD or wet MD? Will she be receiving injections? You are a blessing to her to be available to drive her. I used to be able to drive to my appointments but once I needed injections in both eyes, I had to hire a driver to take me. I hope she follows the specialist's directions so she doesn't lose her sight. Dee

Actually, my PC did ask if I'd be needing a referral. I said yes I would, but did not follow up before appointment ended. The 30 minute appointments go quickly, especially with my not seeing her since pre-covid. I will wait until I know when house is listed and sold. I will be moving an hour away which is too far and too much traffic depending on time of day or weather. My dentist is only 20 minutes from my new place, so that is doable. I had to laugh when you mentioned dentist needing help to have his teeth cleaned. Dee

Gwen, I understand your fears about being scared about not being fixable. My vision can be maintained as long as I can get to my retinal specialist for treatment, but am needing to find another RS closer to my new home. The present RS is very comforting for my squirmy feelings so not looking forward to a change. Like primary care physicians the RS all have different demeanor and touch. I finally went to my primary care doctor on Friday and after a year of no appointments I had to have an appointment in order to keep my prescriptions in force. I feel lucky I haven't had to have appointments for so long. Once I am relocated, I will also have to find another PC physician. She did prescribe some pain pills for painful knees, only 20 pills, and some sleep aide. I hinted for Xanax but could tell from her eyes over her mask as she shook her head "no". Oh my goodness. You made my day, Gwen. I have never had nitrous, but my wonderful hygienist has to deaden my whole mouth before she cleans my teeth. Needles don't bother me, the sensitivity does. I threatened her not to retire until I leave this earth. LOL. Dee