Jackie - Richard

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Johnny... ...yes my heart too is there right with you as i am absolutely dreading this coming Christmas as last Christmas i said to my Richard this Christmas i am getting a tree, a small artificial tree and we will decorate it, and so i-we did, we both very much enjoyed seeing a tree again, after not putting one up for the past x amount of years....I had said to my Richard " i want a Christmas tree this year as i dont know if this will be our last Christmas together..." well my words have come true...it was-it is, my Richard died suddenly at home sitting in his armchair 11th April of a heart blockage.. We had 20 years together, we had met in later life, Richard passed away at age 74, i am 68...oh how i keep having flashbacks to the day we first me...I remember the day like it was yesterday... even the clothes we were wearing, identical military style macs, even identical in colour, a beige..I had just parked my car, he came walking towards me.. Yes the anniversaries...same as my last Birthday, my Birthday fell on the one Saturday a well known tv and world renowned psychic was doing her one night show at our local theatre, well my Richard was never into anything like that but i bought a couple of tickets all the same, guess just for the one off experience, well she never came over to us, nor picked up on what was soon to come, yes, although i-my Richard never knew it at the time, he only had 20 more days to live... They do say the getting through the first years anniversaries are the worst...but each year there will always remain that anniversary, and we still have to get ourselves through it... Johnny, it breaks my heart that your Rene never quite made it to see her 50th.. Jackie..

Kayc... ..i guess he loves you both and feels caught in the middle...

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Kayc.. ...just wanted to add....your son wants you, it sounds like it is just her...I wouldn't leave and go, after all it is your son you go to see, not her...just block her out..

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Kayc... ...as my late father often would say..." we live and learn, girl.." re, your d-i-l's horrible text...It is things like this that would make me stronger...I hope it has the same affect on you, just concentrate on your son, let her deal with her own life..your son is more important to you than her... ..one thing i am now learning fast.." old age and illnesses creep up on us faster than we imagine." a hard lesson learnt is to cherish and make every day count, well too late, i didn't adhere to it when i was ten-twenty years younger and had my health and fitness back then...They say " time does fly.." yes far too quickly, blink and its already here..

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Oh making that decision was the hardest i have ever had to do...the comforting of our fur-baby whilst all the time knowing what we were intending to do, and not bringing our fur-baby back home with us,...the hardest part was our fur-baby not knowing this...I have had to do this twice over the past five years with two out of three of our-my dogs...I still miss all three like crazy and now crying over their losses as much as i am crying over the sudden loss of my partner of 20 years Richard...We came together in later life, i am 68 with PP-MS, and Richard was 74..I was diagnosed with MS at age 64, same date 11th April my Richard died four months ago.. Jackie..

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I know I dont like this being the only one left, the one who is still here and left all by myself... i have no clue as to why it is me as my Richard believed he would be here until his 100s...and to be honest, at those times he was saying this there was no reasons to not believe it as he had been the healthier one...

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Over these last four or so months, since losing my Richard age 74....I have also started crying more again over the losses of my three babies, my dogs-my fur-babies as well as my Richard...I am now crying over the four losses even though dog number one i lost suddenly at age 15, ten years ago , same date Richard passed 11th April, within 2 weeks of her showing signs of anything wrong, as she was a dog i thought was going to go on forever... My dog number 2, i lost after a 3 month battle with c***r ( four or so years ago ) which we knew she had already lost, i held onto her far too long before letting her go, she had just touched on age 10, she went far to young and early...Dog number 3, i-we lost within 7 months of moving to this address from Bedfordshire to Dorset, a 140 plus miles away, three years ago, he was 13 & a half after a 3 almost 4 month battle which we knew he had already lost, again all three to that dreaded word that starts with a c and ends with an r....Same as both of my parents...I was 26 when i lost my mother, 37 when i lost my father, mom was 5 years older than my father..both i lost when in their early - mid 60s...I am outliving both of them...Now do i want to be here alone, that is another question i am not sure how to answer as there are times i just want to be with my Richard... Jackie..

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Darrel... ...home is where your heart is, and that is where you are...back home where you belong... I too moved ( three plus years ago ) with my now deceased partner 11th April of ( age 74 ) and know where i am living now, i dont belong here...he is already back home, his ashes..he too did not belong here, his ashes are now with his parents and brother...a good 140 - 150 miles away.. Jackie...

Well 11 th April is one date i shall always remember and all for the wrong reasons as it was this same date i was diagnosed with PP-MS, same date Richard lost his life, same date fur baby number one lost her life...just four and ten years apart.. Yes the Nandan quote sums up our situations to a T...once we were a loving couple, now only a lonely and lost single...

I am sure if my Richard was to come back, he would find it hard to believe that i have cried over him, with him each and every day since his death...been over four months now and hand on heart not one day has gone that i have not cried, shed tears...it wont be the last either... Actually looking at todays date 11th August, it is four months...11th April i lost him... Jackie..

Gwen... ..i think we are at an age that we simply dont like change, we get used to a certain way of life, certain people, including our GP doctors...they say we get set in our ways, that can be true... ...Gwen, i hope you find your new forever GP doctor, the one you feel the most comfortable with...just a shame the best ones have to retire..as one of my previous ( back home ) GPs did...although he retired because his GP wife ( same surgery ) had been dealing with cancer... Jackie..

Be a tad wary and as Kayce states, " just go slow, " there is more to a relationship than the colour of someones hair...I wish you well on your future journey Terra...

Gwen, strange thing is, although i know he is still here with me and has been helping me, i dont actually feel his presence...the sensation of him being here with me...i only wish i did..I am still awaiting for that special sign from him...that something out of the ordinary...if only he could come back to me as showing himself to me...then i will know he came back to visit...if only to let me know he lives on... Jackie...

Gwen... ...your Steve must have been like my Richard, as my Richard too was the calm one, the one who knew how to deal with all things in a calm way...oh yes, life and circumstances can certainly make us become bitter...Ask your Steve for his help, ask him to guide you through this mess, and he will...I know my Richard is still very much helping me, especially with all this paperwork and business...he is still very much with me, that i do know, as he has already come to my aid on a few occasions... Jackie.....sending a (( hug )) your way...