Stallyn

Its been 2.5 months, I was doing okay the last week, Myrna would be upset if she saw me the way I am right, now, in life she always got on me with my health issues, and I did to keep her from stressing out, this time is different, everything seems misplaced and I don't experience happiness anymore like I did in the past, I am in the "basic survival autopilot mode" to just get by, day by day. blessings to you, William

The last week has been terrible, I can't sleep anymore, I cry every night for my Myrna, and now my body is fighting against me, The pain is everywhere, and being so tired all the time, is this what it all amounts to?? My counselor says it will get easier, I worry that my body won't hold up until a breakthrough occurs, I think how lonely it is without her, and is death going to come for me in my desolation? Am I going to die forgotten, not carrying on her memories and spirit? I feel forced to move on, wanting to go back and relive the 8 years again, to touch her, to smell her, to see her big smile in reality there is nothing I can hold onto anymore, only the memories.

That was awesome that he showed himself to you, I have myself not had anything happen till Monday I think, I saw my wife in a vision standing by the bathroom, then 2 nights ago, I was falling asleep and behind my behind I felt a indentation being pushed into the bed, perhaps a hand or something..thanks for sharing your story! Beautiful things do happen to us that suffer... William

Steven, That is a excellent idea! The meds, they always will be a problem for me since I haven't seen the Pdoc in 2 months, the pharmacy did call today to tell me the meds got approved on the 26th, its a lack of understanding of the people at the clinic that RIGHT now I need the meds to keep adjusted. I don't think I have to be dealing with it every day though. My mother in law was not in the proceeds, I am hoping and praying her son will do the right thing since my hands are tied. Karen & AnnieO, good riddance, who needs their negativity and bad vibes around you, its obvious that you ARE suffering the most and they are only seeking for personal gain and nothing else, a price tag is always attached to everything they do it seems to me.

I been trying to get my doctor to get them asap, always something gets in the way of progress, Now what happens is my mother in law has a problem with her son receiving all the ins instead of her getting a portion which she needs badly, I am worried that he will somehow find a way to neglect his duty to her, as he doesn't have any responsibilities for a 42 year old, Now she's hurt and wondering why she didn't designate her as a beneficiary, that was a stake in my heart and made my life much more painful, I don't understand human nature right now, I have enough here to worry about but she is the mother of my wife, I am sorry that Jacks children behave the way they do, I am sure he is saddened by the behavior, I hope you don't take their behavior personally, I have seen the true colors of people when things get tough, and I know Myrna has kept me from strangling some people, I now have been feeling her presence after all this time, and my prayers have been answered until now. Always a blessing to hear your encouragement Karen, Hope all is well with you, I will keep you in my prayers. William

Hello all, well, I found my self feeling lousy since the life ins was resolved, I kept telling God to bring my wife back, I don't need the money, now the reality it setting in that I am alone and have to continue living by myself, so many decisions and not wanting to make any right now, I can't continue to rent much longer, too many memories and the place is deteriorating, I feel that my wife is nudging me to move forward, I can't explain it, I made a promise to her that I will always be wise with whatever comes in my hands, at this moment I don't know what to do.. I am bipolar with predisposed tendency of "shopping" compulsively to self medicate myself, and I ran out of tranquilizers 4 days ago! And now I am worried that my mother in law is not receiving any proceeds entitled to her. When does this nightmare end????

Karen, Such powerful post, you have hit a milestone, I rarely get a "good" feeling other than knowing Myrna is no longer suffering and is with God now, but it shows me that there is not always pain forever... Blessings, William

I definitely agree, My wife and I liked the same music, however the last 2.5 months shes been gone, I have been avoiding any MP3s with ties to her like the song "love song" from Tesla, that WAS our song , to painful still, interesting topic... William

Criskz, Its ok to feel what you experience, its a way of the body/mind to mend itself, I echo your thoughts exactly, it seems no one will fill our spouses shoes.

Patti, I think we revise the definition of normal to mean we are so! I am glad you posted, always something to learn here, God bless you! William

Thank you Karen for calling me a friend, blessings to you too, always good to hear from you... William

Hi all, yes I been seeing that too, I am 40 and being told all the time I got my life ahead of me, geez, they really don't understand our lives have been turned around, I often think thats something I am going to hear someday too, that when you remarry you forsake your spouses memory, I don't know how that could be anyways, I wish to think my wife would want me to be happy with someone, well most of us are called into marriage..

There have been some touching posts here, I really know how it is to lose "friends" most of them faded away but my memory of Myrna always is with me, its still painful to think that I lost her so soon, so painfully as much I don't even call her family in Guatemala, feels awkward to do such a thing, and all her friends that meddled with us in the end, I dont get any consolation, but theres one thing I learned, not to trust everyone or give myself away like in the past, but here, I find a safe haven as most of you do, and hospice of the valley has been good to Myrna and me, I have a great therapist, which in my opinion is hard to find in Phoenix, Even with the insurance settlement I am still not happy, I would give a limb to bring her back, my heart goes out to all of you, we are the few that bear the pain and sorrow but it brings us together on a common ground, I wish there was a way to abolish the pain we have, but God only knows why we go through it, we are the Phoenix of humanity, we rise above ourselves because of what our dear spouses gave us, I like to think, I am what I am because of my wife, and her love of life and endurance of the suffering throughout her life, no matter how it makes me cry and lonely for her affection, a part of her spirit lives in me, I have to stop now, hugs to all of you

I echo alot of what you feeling, my loss is still fresh, 2 months and I had so many peaks and valleys but I felt complete sorrow when I read you guys posts, suddenly I feel more human than I did for so long, whatever the case, friends betray you, people with their lack of understanding, they aren't true friends, I had had my experiences already, with a parade of words shot at me for requesting my privacy, All I know my wife taught me how to love and stand up for myself, so a part of her is with me always, melded with our own personalities, Hope that means something.... William

Not to mention the magazines, bills in the spouses name, that hurts everytime I have to see it, and the creditors could care less..

Crisz, I understand completely where you are coming from, I lost my wife 2 months ago and the first month I felt out of my body for weeks, it does get easier, but please don't push yourself to "get out" of the zone, what you are experiencing is normal and you should adjust how ever long it takes, I found and verified with my counselor that the evenings are harder since that is the time couples spend most of their time, Lord knows its the hardest thing a person can go through, the pain is there, you will always have some for a long time, since that bond is broken. William

Indeed, I think that I hope I didn't stir up trouble with my comment on how people cope, but it turned around and became a revelation to me, on how women cope with it too, I think the genders aren't so much different as I once believed, I remember how my wife always showed love and attention to me and I didn't do much back, or I think I didn't, she was a great comforter in all the health troubles I had over the years, and now damn I miss it, I miss her words, her kindness and patience with me, I wonder do we move on from here? what is in our future as a person alone, do we move on and love another person like we loved the deceased? Can we ever love that much again? Seems its an illusion to think that bonding with another person is possible, when you give your heart to someone that dies, it dies with them, I have been sifted like sand with it. Blessings, William

Karen, the blessings you have given, may that always be a comfort to you, I didn't have a chance to say goodbye to Myrna either, I know its a very very painful thing to live with everyday, but we comfort each other and it makes it bearable, you always had nice things to say, My God heal your heart and body. William

From my derivations on the subject that men fare less, I concluded I am in error too, but I understand more now that I ever did, I found it hard myself to being a nuturing person but I guess we have our ways of showing our love, I was often rebuked by Myrna's friends not to cry around her, or show any "negative" emotions, though I was suffering the most, because of that I didn't make myself available to her as I wanted to, So in meaning they were expecting me to be "macho" according to their latino culture, so I easily thought Ok, none of them cried or expressed emotion, but I always cried around my wife through the years, I didn't have a first hand experience how it effects women, until I read these posts, Dusky, thanks for your wisdom, it has given me assurance that I did what I could with Myrna, that I was doing the best I could for her, And Steve for showing me the other side of the picture, Thanks Kay C, & Karen B for your insight, and some sensibility in my thoughts of the matter, My experiences with her friends does not echo the facts shown here. William

Steven, I suppose it could be literal since I "feel" a void, not complete anymore, I been doing the same, spend spend spend, but at the end of the day I am still unhappy and poorer, I think I might have 24 ostrich eggs by now, but it is forgotten like alot of things have been lately, I think what you are doing is a good thing, art soothes the soul, I wish I could draw William

What I read here helps, I didn't know about grief bursts, I guess 2 months I still haven't found a good coping mechanism, I only surmise that 2 years is difficult too, so far it seems its in for the long haul? Is it true that men are affected more differently by this? I read it somewhere, I guess it because its held within so much by what we were taught, I am going to go a group session too, I can't bear this alone anymore.

Unfortunately I don't have anyone that I can confide in, my friends don't understand well, and her family in Guatemala, I think they cut the cord, I don't bother calling them anyways, I been going out and shopping but that doesn't foot the bill for long,I hold it all in and a few days I burst, I think soon I should go to group and meet people there, since people where I live are not friendly, a setback for a big city, my wife was my closet ally, I been much a loner for awhile, I really don't know what to do anymore. Thanks Karen for your support William

DonaldsSeedycat, I sincerely know what you are experiencing right now, I cannot breathe a breath sometimes, when my wifes is thought of, please know you aren't alone, I often ponder if my wife misses me or thinks about me, but unfortunately we may not know right away, it seems when we seek them they do not come, but when we aren't expecting them from what my counselor told me, they manifest themselves in some way we don't expect, I believe God is merciful and loving to allow them to touch us in some way, whereas the bible is silent on the subject, But it is possible, I will be praying for all of you, William

Hi all, I just fell into the pit of despair again, I can't seem to live without my Myrna, she promised she will never leave me, I am so damn sad and angry at the same time, I cannot stop crying, Life seems at a standstill w/o hearing her voice and her touch, William

Karen, you been so kind to me, I came home and I was thinking of My wife all night, god its lonely, I know I havent seen the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is bittersweet right now, thanks for your prayers and thoughts, its nice to feel not so lonely all the time when I am here, Blessings, William