Stallyn

Yes it is very difficult but I been ill for so many years I kinda adapted somewhat, I don't self medicate though, That is my weakness, I tend to follow and trust everyone, some while back I found it to be a tendency of bipolars, I try to guard myself now, especially with Myrna gone, I am trying to find a way to meet people, I am so much a wall flower, I was happy with my wife that friends did not matter so much to me, now the hard part is starting over, Your prayers are immensely appreciated, Willia

Debating within myself, selective memory deletion, YES, I would pick the unpleasant memories of people actions done wrong to me at the final days, I would never give up anything of my wife, she would remain in my personality, soul, forever.

KayC, Such sadness came on me when I read what you wrote, I have the same experiences in such a short duration of time 3 Mos and still wonder why it conspired in such a manner, you can always think you spent the best years of his life with him, and not anyone else had that fortune William

I always took the problems head on since that was the easiest way for me to achieve a solution, I like to think I am managing the best I can, the awful days are becoming far and between, but the intensity is deep. William

Your experience helps me in this area, Bipolar and Schizophrenia are pretty close symptom wise, a few months back I was in some sort of daze, went to a car lot, and postdated a 9K check for a automobile, I called my father and somehow he thought I was really far out there and told the guy, after the sales manager threatened to sue me for breach of contract, to let it go, fortunately he did, few days later I realized I was having a mixed episode, my wife used to keep me in control when things happened, unfortunately I really don't have anyone that does the same for me, I doubt I may find a woman that will endure my quirks like Myrna did. Now I hope I can live my life without self destruction. I had my temptations to do crazy things, when I do, I think about Myrna, sad huh? William

Shelley, I am in the same situation, most of the people I knew vanished a day or two after my wifes passing, I been alone most of the time, I did hire a Grief counselor some time ago, without him it is unbearable, Would you think that would be a option for you? I think personally where you are residing is a safer place emotionally, What can I do to help? Let me know you are doing ok? your friend, William

Karen, Thanks so much, I think the medication masks my problem, Yes I think my illness is the issue, I don't know what to do with it though, I am on 4 different medications for it, she didn't complain much, I often think if I could've bring her down with my problems, I seriously wonder if I will find another companion like Myrna, I jumped on the dating pool after a month of her passing, I know it was stupid, I did some bad decisions back then that would've cost me dearly, I realized being a widower has made me vulnerable, I have had so many head games with the women online, bad checks, lies, I am starting to think to myself if I want to be married again, I feel so miserable, No one wants to associate with me, and I am happy to see alot of people parade out of my life, but finding friends is difficult where I live. I became a hermit.

Hey Guys, Some of you know my circumstances, well I thought I had a breakthrough, this afternoon I broke down while driving thinking about Myrna, The way she looked at her final days, I had such horrible guilt about the 6 months before when she was having female problems, I might think if I didn't take it seriously enough, I love her deeply, was I doing the best I could or was I in denial? Oh God I wish so much to see her again, I wanted another chance with her, I feel I didn't do enough, my mental illness got in the way, I couldn't feel anything, do anything, and now I am very angry at God for allowing this to happen to us, I am beginning to think if there is a merciful God, I think, was it because I didn't completely give my life to her that God took her away as a punishment? I feel guilt and shame, my life is so empty, I am miserable, I cannot stop moving around and try to relax, I am so damn tired, all I ever wanted to grow old with her, I wonder if I will be happy, whole again. I feel alone with my sorrow as everyone I once knew moved on. Good riddance but I miss the companionship, William

Teny, I do understand where you are coming from with the panic attacks and a unpleasant experience with that doctor,for the life of me I cannot think what is worse than the doctor thinks is nothing, good for you finding a better compassionate doctor that understands, I was also getting panic attacks the first month then it waned down, but its completely normal, you are facing many challenges and decisions, our spouses were our comfort. I give you a virtual hug, we all are here for you. William

Hill101, I am sorry to hear what happened, what you experiencing is normal and you are at a safe refuge here, I lost my wife 3 months go within weeks she was gone, I have used a grief counselor and psychotherapy has helped so much along with this site, always reach out when you need it ok? William

KayC, May the peace and joy surround you, I am praying for you! William

Teny, Karen has a good point, I am bipolar and the medications DO help immensely though you will feel some undesired emotions and loneliness, I do all the time, but remember you always need to take care of yourself, I feel empty too but I think time will deal with that in its own way.. Truly, William

Shelly, I hear you, don't put their blame on yourself, you are at a vulnerable state, and unfortunately the people we "trust" the most do the most harm, My late wife, her friends, well they dissed me and I feel sorta better somewhat but I do miss having company, I am also shy and quiet, I know how you feel...Take care always William

Hi All, I been absent for awhile, trying to deal with this "new" life somehow, some way. I always have you guys in my thoughts, I miss it here... William

Teny, I sympathize with you, you are doing the best you can, I lost my wife to cancer 3 months ago and I am still numb, I learned it doesn't get easier so soon, but what comes naturally for us as a individual is our own healing at our pace, Please always when you need to post here, we will stand by you! William

KayC. Always a big thanks for your compassion, I don't know what I would do if I didn't land here, coming to understand if neglecting myself is doing a disservice to my late wife, I was always told to do what she wants, and knowing she is watching me I don't wish to disappoint her as she did everything to keep me in a safe place, I am lost without her, forced into a life of many unknowns. I still think to this day, this should have never happened to her, my hopes and dreams with her were shattered.

I am trying, I missed 2 days of my meds somehow, I been thinking alot about what has been awesome support and advice, here and my grief counselor. It feels like I am a square peg being pushed into a round hole, the square peg being all the hurt, sorrow, betrayal, and negative experiences, out becomes a rounded person with a new essence, outlook, appreciation and apprehension of my enemies, I bear the stripes of wisdom, experience and newfound love towards my wife and those who have reached out to my broken soul. my thoughts are this; why should it matter anymore the less, they failed to see what I am through a window than a reflection of themselves on a dirt encrusted mirror? Why consort with them if they have not a single shred of who I was and am, Myrna loved me for what I am, unconditonally and without a single doubt, you are right, they were not happy with my bond with Myrna and they tried unsuccessfully in the end to destroy it, her final hours before departing to her homeland, I remember today vividly, she didn't speak english no more, I was confused and hurt she didn't communicate to me, a friend of hers I remain a friend with, translated "Take care of William" to me, several times she said that, I realized how painful it was though she was still thinking of me at her last thought, through the drugs and pain, and the process of actively dying. I now know they will never, never take my memories or dignity away, ever. P.S. I hope to lose another 80 anchors of weight Your friend, William

Karen, I am finally getting to see some doctors now, I hope to find everything in one piece, I admit I wasn't doing a bang up job taking care of my health I lost 20+ pounds and keeps going, is that normal part of the grieving process? BTW I got an emergency appt with my POC with the help of my primary physician, I guess I didn't look to good yesterday..PTL! William

KarenB, MissingCharlie,Kayc,and everyone I failed to mention; I am so sorry for such a rant, you hit a point in my soul, so deep this touches me, you are absolutely right, I am trying to force my self to move on now before this does me in, I worry about the Chrohn's a lot, it worries me that I pay pass out again with the renal failure, this time I feel I might not make it through, your rationalization on this is something I need to heed, right, why I should he and anyone one else sink me below, yesterday was so bad in itself, I was so exhausted and barely could walk, I want you guys know I love you, your compassion and understanding with me, your support has been unending and within my core of being, I wish I could somehow to convey how I feel now with your love and understanding, these mere words cannot show this is saving me from myself, I am at a loss.. Thank you sooo much from my heart... William

Sean, bless your soul, I am so sad for your loss, I lost my wife to cancer March 2, she was 37, and married 8 wonderful years; its been a long journey,my faith was shaken upside down but God will never leave you, You always will have a part of her in your child and yourself always. Please don't bear this alone, consult a grief counselor and someone available to you. You came to a wonderful support site here, Please let us know how you are doing. William

Deborah, I don't know what to say, why they throw the morality out the window, I am really sad this has to happen to you, you are in a safe place here, always remember you come first over what they demand! I do not think they have a ground to stand on making demands like that, I hid some things when my wifes 15 friends came over and ransacked our place while she was in a wheelchair oblivious to it happening, heck do they have to know?? You should do as YOU SEE fit. They are preying on your grief. Truly, William

Hi all, for some reason I didn't a notice of replies to this post, yes I had chrohn's about 5 years I think, I was hospitalized 4 times 3 years ago, then it went in slow motion since, never really quieted down to the point that I could do much even with the cocktails of drugs. Its been getting gradually worse since Myrna passed, and now I have my brother in law in Guatemala lashing out on me concerning how I was in my marriage,and my life, how I failed to care for my wife sufficiently in the last month preceding her death? Now what complicates the problem is I was on SSD before I married her,I made it known I am disabled in the beginning, She was the breadwinner, and he until now had a problem with the fact that she supported me financially and she supported him most of the time also, he knew it too, I didn't agree with it, he was older than myself, now the problem is after her passing I am the villain, I wasn't a good husband, I didn't love her?? I wasnt good enough for her. I tried my best for her, being medicated for bipolar disorder didn't help matters either, I slept most of the time, so she had a friend to help out, until the end they accuse me of infecting her with the cancer! I am constantly reminded on how "satisfied" I am now, that I to suffer alone with the thought I some how killed her! I cannot comprehend all this, and its dragging me downhill everyday, I loved her more than anything, she was my life, I never intentionally hurt her and and yet I am being vicariously attacked, when does it ever end? I have grown mentally and physically exhausted, I can't cry anymore without losing it. Thanks for your support everyone.. William

KayC, Thank you so much for your encouragement, I don't get it from my father, he blurbs, GET OVER WITH IT!, Now I am distancing myself from him now, His way of thinking is machoism, my family considered it a no-no to cry. I learning now that my support is here and the grief counselor, I hate bottling it up though, the loneliness, depression has been a burden carry everyday, some things in this world really is sad. William

Kellymarie, The first thing that comes to my mind that it perhaps a guardian angel? Love doesn't cease after death I think, feeling that they still think of us always. You are blessed! William

Thanks Karen, I feel like its been 6 months to me, time has been slow, in the past weeks I THOUGHT I made some kind of breakthrough, apparently I might have been internalizing it, I don't know what to do that doesn't cost money and accommodates my chrohns, been too tired anyways to really do anything, I should've been prepared better while Myrna was ill, I refused to see that she was dying in front of me, even thought she was coming back from Guatemala in a month, what was I thinking??? why did it put its grasp on me now? It made this thing so much harder