tattoodlb

Upon reading the sorting message from MartyT, I hate to say this, but I went through my mother's stuff within 1 week after her passing. You see, she had just moved into an apartment and was leaving a house that was on the market to be sold, and we had a time frame to get the stuff out of the house, and if we had gotten the stuff out of the apartment in a reasonable time, we could get all the money back she put down on it for funeral expenses. My mom left us with hardly anything except her items of daily living, clothes, furniture, food, no will, and no money to bury her with. I had to have a yard sale the next week to raise money for her funeral, boy was that hard!! Being cheery while strangers are picking through your mom's things is very difficult. I raised a good amount for a "down payment" for the funeral, but that left us with the rest of the bill. Her family (brothers and sisters) barely pitched in. and this still makes me angry. Do you know, my mother's brothers and sisters were upset at the day we picked for the funeral??? They decided to have their own funeral a week later when it was convenient for them. Has anyone ever heard of such a thing???!!

Hi all...it will be 2 years since my mom passed this August. I just don't know where the time went. I am sad, and still a bit angry that she is gone. She and I missed out on many things, and unlike you guys that have posted about having wonderful relationships with your mothers, I did not. My mother had issues and she liked to blame people for her problems, and I was one of those that she blamed. I tried to be a good daughter, staying away from drugs and out of trouble, always there for my mother when she needed anything, although it was not me she wanted to be with, but I was convenient for her to hang out with since I wanted to help her so much and wanted a true mother/daughter relationship. I have prayed, hoped, and wished for a good relationship with my mother for many years, and I was put off most of the time. She finally let me in the last 6 months she was alive, we went out shopping, to movies, to lunch, I helped her move and I thought that we were finally having that special relationship. Now, it is gone and I have to take what I had with her and treasure it because it is all I will ever have. I got to tell her that I loved her at least. Losing one's mother is hard, and harder when you wished for a relationship with her, now knowing that it is not going to happen. My sister never really liked my mother as a person and always chided me for wanting to hang out with her, and my reply was that, at least I know I am doing my best to be there for her and to have some type of relationship with her. I never suspected that my mom would be gone from me so soon, she died 10 months after my step father died. I still feel the grief as if it was a weight on my heart. Somehow I do not think that all the time in the world will make it any easier.

Leslie, I am sorry for your loss. My step father passed away right after Thanksgiving dinner 2002, right after the guests left, as we were pulling into the drive way, the ambulance was taking him out. My mom tried CPR, but his massive heart attack was too overwhelming to be overcome. I share your sorrow. There is always a place in your heart where your father is with you.

Hi All...guilt seems to be the topic of these last few posts...I have a ton of it...hmmm...where does one begin? My mother's life was not really anything special, except to me. I wanted desparately to have a good relationship with my mother but we were very different you see because she had a chemical dependence on prescription drugs and alcohol and I wanted to be with her and help her but I was the one with the problem.... I ended up having a neighbor who seemed to be very respectable and seemed to like the same things as my mother (minus the drugs) and he seemed like he had his life together. He also looked like Sean Connery, same dimple and blue eyes...anyhow, I introduced them. At first they really seemed to hit it off; then my mother moved in with him (right next door), then weird things started happening and before I knew it they got married and shortly after that, they were both deceased, my mom 9 months after him. If only I had not introduced them........................I should have kept my nose out of it. I will never try to play matchmaker ever again. I console myself with the thought that at least they both had some happiness, but the cost seems too great to bear sometimes.

Diamond, I can certainly relate to your "what if and when" scenario, and upon my mother's death, all of her brothers and sisters (my aunts and uncles) basically do not talk to me any more. It is quite a long story and this forum is for when your parents actually pass on, so if you want to e-mail me privately we can discuss this further. Unfortunately, death brings out the worst in people as much as it does the best, basically because people do not know how to handle it. I sympathize with you and it is good to read that you are seeing a professional for your issues, as probably I should do, in any event, it is important that you do not definitely make up your mind if you will attend a funeral or not ahead of time. I always said if my mother killed herself with drugs that I would not go to the funeral, and you know what? I was there anyway, because it is the loss of the person, the hope of a future relationship, the loss of the one who brought you into this world, that is acknowledged at a funeral, it is saying good bye whether it is good, bad, or otherwise. Somehow not saying good bye is worse than not going because you don't want to deal with everyone else's opinions, attitudes, etc. The ceremony of death is important, even if it is sad. Peace to you.

To missingyoudad: My mom committed suicide by overdosing on hundreds of pills. She did not leave a letter, and only spoke with my younger brother before she died. She did not talk to me for the week before she died. The police found her in her apartment (that she had lived in for 2 weeks) and called me. I was very angry, too. We thought she was pulling her life together(her husband died Thanksgiving 2002, right after dinner and she could not save him with CPR) so she was depressed. I spent the last 9 months of her life with her, helping her, taking her to lunch, movies, shopping, helping her with her house, etc. I am happy to have had that time with her, but the fact that she could not talk to me hurts. My mom was 55. She kept telling us she would not see my nephew's 1st birthday and she was right. She talked about death all the time and the fact that she was surprised that she has lived as long as she has. I called her doctor to tell him that she was acting funny with all the pills he gave her and he did nothing about it. A week after that, I called him to tell him that she had od'd on the pills he gave her and he denied having given her the pills, and his name is on the Rx bottles. Anyhow...I know how you feel, I'm sorry for your loss. It has been a year and a half and I still can't believe it. Peace.

Hi poobear...I'm sorry for your loss, you posted in the right place. We are all going through the loss of a parent. My mom and dad split when I was 6, and I blamed myself for a very long time, too. It is hard when you're a kid and you suddenly have no father (or mother) and of course you think it is your fault, but it is not. You can't take responsibility for your parent's happiness or future. My mom was one for placing blame but if you look at circumstances, they are all different, and there is as many sides to a story as those involved. I STILL can't believe my mom is gone, even after a year and a half. I also got THE call while I was at home working that my mom was found deceased. It is tough to receive THE call. I don't think I felt anything until after the funeral (and then it was anger), and cry? I did not really cry until last week. The whole "life and death" thing sort of snuck up on me last week and I was melancholy for a long time. I have been feeling like "why are we even here?" and I can sympathize with those who wish to "die" right along with the parent they lost...but then what? What about the family or friends that need you? Time is a great healer, and the issues you had with your dad are now a moot point. My suggestion is to write him a letter about how you felt all these years and then do what ever you want with it. I have mine in a scrap book I made "for my mom". You can bury it, burn it, shred it, frame it...anything that helps you leave these old feelings behind. Maybe you can also talk with your mom about how you felt. I wish you peace.

Thank you for sharing this poem. I shed a few tears thinking of all those that I know who now are home in heaven. My mom passed on Aug 23, 2003 and it is still hard.

Hi, I wanted to reply because you ask how to deal with your many painful feelings...I lost my mother on August 23, 2003, suddenly, we think it was suicide, but we really don't know. I know how hard it is to deal with many feelings. I, like you, was (am) angry, sad, shocked, and plain just can't believe it, even still. My best advice is to deal with one feeling at a time, feel each feeling to the fullest and either take a break, or move onto the next feeling. As far as family issues along with grief issues, again, take one at a time because all together they are overwhelming. Sometimes I put off feeling for a while; just to get through the day and then I resume feeling when I can appreciate each feeling and what it is trying to tell me. Be angry, be sad, be how you feel, that is the only way I have been able to handle what I am going through. The only thing to watch out for is that you don't take out your feelings on innocent bystanders. That is a hard one for me, but I think I can handle that one as well now. I'm no expert on handling feelings, but what I am writing here has helped me tremendously in dealing with my life without my mom. We all know that sometime our parents will pass away, but when, how, where, why are all unknown. No one can be prepared for that and when that time comes, having courage to say good bye is not easy. I dream about my mom often and I always feel happy when I wake up, like she was talking to me and giving advice, and I got to hug her and hold her hand and smell her favorite perfume while we were together. May you find peace in your memories. I hope I have helped somewhat. Take care.

I'm sorry for your loss. I have lost my mother and yet I still think she is going to call me to say HI... Missing your parent is very difficult. I also tried to squash my feelings, and that is totally not the way to go because I have found that they creep up on you when you least expect it. A girl that works in my office arrived one day with the same perfume my mom used to wear and I started bawling and in a way, it was neat because I felt like she was in the room with me....anyhow, show your feelings, talk about it, to everyone! Some people are put off by death, but you know what? That's part of life and if they can't handle it then you will know. Hardly anyone in my family talks to me anymore because I do talk about my mom's death and how much it sucks and how much I miss her. Children are especially keen on feelings and if you try to hide how you feel, they know it. Maybe you can express to them that you have a boo-boo on your heart from when your dad died and it will hurt for a long time and you need to cry now and then and if they want to hold your hand or be with you, that would be great, and if they don't, then that's OK, too. Just let them know that you love them and your heart is happy for them, but sad for your dad and when people have boo-boos, they cry sometimes. Hope this helps...

Hi, I am also honoring the 1 year anniversary of my mom's death. I don't know how she died and probably never will. She was gone from us suddenly, but she kept talking about death and how "surprised" she was that she lived for so long (she was 55 when she died). There were signs that she might have committed suicide, but really, I will never know for sure. That is the worst part. Having the police call me up to tell me that they found my mom deceased on her living room floor was probably the worst day of my life. I still feel like it was yesterday (or this morning). I can empathize with everyone that has a gigantic hurt where their heart used to be from losing a parent. We know in our minds that our parents won't live forever, but losing someone too soon is very traumatic, no matter what the circumstances. I wish I had been able to say good bye to my mom. I wish I would have been able to tell her that I loved her, but she died alone, truly alone. Not only is she gone, but it seems her brothers and sisters don't want to talk to me anymore. None of my cousins sent me a sympathy card (I have about 30 cousins) and that is just lousy to me. It makes me angry. Anyhow, I'm sending my best to all who are dealing with a 1 year anniversary ( and those of you who just lost a parent) of a parent's death. May your path lead you to peace, and your thoughts lead you to happy memories of your parent. For me, that is all I have left. I also think that my mom's doctor did not treat her properly by prescribing her over 200 psychotropic medications at 1 visit. She only had 37 left a week later. I, too am disheartened by doctors and the treatment they give to us.

A mother’s love Doesn’t end It is in the way She was there for me It is in the way she cares for me A mother’s love Goes on and on even From high above A mother’s touch Doesn’t end It is in the way She touched my heart A mother’s gaze Doesn’t end It is in the way she watched me grow A mother’s dream Doesn’t end It is in the way I love her so. To Mom: I miss you Love Dana

Dear Marty, your reply to lost32 elicited some tears...you have just captured the very magnitude of how it feels when a parent passes on to the next level in the context of a roller coaster ride. It will be a year for me since losing my mom on Aug 23, 2003 in a month and change. I still think of her every day and all the times I've tried to help her and the times I've been there for her when no one else cared. It seems that no one else cares still, and I am here remembering her. I am fighting to bring dignity to her passing as it has been nothing short of a circus since her passing. I appreciate your eloquent words and encouragement. I always find what I need here and I'm glad there is a place for us to share.

Christine, I understand where you're coming from when you speak of our health being number 1... I try to take care of myself and being bombarded by feelings that we have because we've lost someone very close and dear to us makes it all the more difficult. Having vultures for family members is also trying on ones nerves. My own sister turned against me after my mom died (she got to be administrator of the estate because there was no will and she lives in the state my mom died in), so she proceeded to take my mom's belongings away from my brother (that which she new my mom wanted him to have) and she prevented me from getting any information from the medical examiner's office regarding post-mortem samples....so I go to the gym every day and try to get myself and my mind in shape for whatever comes up. For all of our varied stories and lives, the main component is that we've lost our mother or father and we are miserable, and also faced with other issues that make mourning difficult. I think of my mom every day and how angry she would be with my sister if she knew all this stuff is going on. I think of my mom and wonder what really happened to her, I have as yet no idea how she died. That is the worst part for me. Thinking my sister might have been involved by giving her Rx pills in addition to what she had from her doctor makes me sick. My mother's brothers and sisters do not call me. Not one of my cousins sent me a sympathy card. It's like no one wants to acknowledge that my mom is gone. I guess then they would have to face their own mortality. ? Anyhow, to everyone who has posted, my thoughts and prayers are with you for peace and love, and to try to find joy in the life we have left and to remember our dearly departed with affection and warmth, that they are with us in spirit and in our hearts forever. I still have a hard time seeing things clearly... Penny, sorry for your doublely hard loss....Hugs..

Dear Janet501, I'm sorry to hear of your still fresh pain. My mom was also lost to medical malpractice, but of a slightly different kind. Her new doctor prescribed over 200 "anti-depressants" to her on her first visit!! Without checking to see if she had anything in her medical record that would indicate some type of prior detox or drug problem. When she was found in her apartment, there were only 37 pills left......This was last year, August 2003. I am very angry and you must be, too. I have come to realize that being angry is good and it helps. May your higher power be with you.

I'm sorry for your loss and all the extracurricular crap you are dealing with. I am also trying to deal with anger and grief at the same time. My mom had no will, so my sister got to act as "administrator" of my mom's estate because she lives in the state my mom died in (and lived in). The lawyer's advice (also my cousin) was bad, very bad....Well, my sister decided to do many, many horrible things to me in the name of being "in charge" and I now have a lawyer who is costing me tons of money but I don't care because I want what is right and what is fair. You should be mad! Don't hold it in! If your mom (and my mom) knew what was going on now, they'd be furious! I am trying to bring respect to my mom's passing and it seems like it is becoming a 3-ring circus! My relatives decided they didn't like the date of the funeral, so they made another one!! Can you imagine? Having 2 funerals? Ha..now I have 2 death certificates, too...and the cemetery got vandalized....this just keeps getting better.......ok, so I'm sarcastic now, but we are powerless over everything but ourselves...and sometimes dealing with this situation is hard and using sarcasm helps make it easier but not by much. I know how you feel and being angry helps us get motivated into action. Good luck.

I also lost my mom unexpectedly, I am 36. We think she committed suicide, but we really don't know. The police found her in her apartment on the floor in her living room. The medical examiner did a "toxicology" which is taking blood samples to test for drugs, alcohol, etc. Well, the med examiner's office lost her samples so we don't know. That's the worst. I didn't get to say anything to my mom as she had not contacted me for the week before she died. She called my brother the night before (Friday night), she died on Saturday morning. Aug 23, 2003. I got a call from the police. I know how you feel about unexpected death. It stinks. My mom died the week before my college semester started and that was really hard!! Trying to do school work, well I guess I just threw myself into my school work because I didn't really cry. I graduate the end of May '04 with my Associates and now I feel that I have time to cry. I put it off, and put it off...I try to keep busy so that I don't think about it. I also know how you feel about the not knowing part....that stinks, too. I don't know if I have any comforting words, but I did post another reply to another person in this discussion that tells more of my story as I don't want to be redundant. All that I can share with you on this is that you are not alone with your sorrow. I'm sure your mom misses you and your brother and dad as much as you miss her. Take care.

I'm sorry for your loss. It is truly amazing how when our parents are alive, we sort of take them for granted. I had not ever really thought about dying until I lost my mom in Aug 03, I had not thought about anyone dying at all until I lost my stepfather.... My story is way, way, way too sad, even for me sometimes. I don't know how I get through each day. I lost my stepfather on Thanksgiving 2002, right after dinner. Massive heart attack. I lost my nephew of 4 months to SMA on Christmas 2002, and then my mom. I have been asking myself "What is the point?" for many months now. Finding the reason to keep plugging away when it will end eventually. Somehow it feels like a cruel joke that we work like dogs to have money to have a decent life and then it's over. I just don't get it. Maybe I never will. I find myself sadder at this point in my life. I find that I have more sympathy for people and I stop to do more nice things than ever before. I let someone get out into traffic in front of me, I hold doors for people, I generally want to be nicer. I guess I want my life to mean something, I want to make a difference, like my mom made a difference with me. I am 36, and my mom most likely committed suicide, but we don't know because the State Medical Examiner's Office lost her blood samples...so we don't know how she really died. That really hurts the most, the not knowing. The wondering what really happened that morning that the police found her in her apartment on the floor. Only God knows I think. Grief is a funny thing, some days are OK, other days I think about my mom constantly and I am on the verge of a massive tear fest. Anyway, I know this is long and I know how you are feeling with the loss. There is a space in my heart where my mom used to stay and her memory fills it, but memories are very light; like angels and sometimes I feel her with me and sometimes I feel her angel with me so that I am not alone with this. Thank you.