WendyJ

Suzanne I am ROFLMAO again! That is too funny, what did everyone else do that saw you? I am getting a good chuckle out of this group tonight, I think sometimes we all need that. My husband Steve was such a funny man and such a joker and that is one of the things I miss in my life is all the laughter we had together. Wendy

Rolling on floor laughing my ... off ! Wendy

Erica, I too have my husbands remains at home on his dresser with some of his pictures and a picture of his precious motorcycle along with a couple of his motorcycle models. I bought a beautiful wooden creamation urn on Ebay. I decided I wanted him home with me where it was warm in winter and cool in the summer and I could talk to him whenever I wanted and he would be there to protect me. He is exactly where he would want to be...home with his loved ones. I told my daughters that when I go to have me cremated also and mix our ashes together and to have us buried together. If there was ever God forbid a fire in my house those ashes are coming with me !!! I also have a cremation necklace which is a dove with alittle of his ashes in it and my one daughter has one that is a cross and the other has one that is a heart. You do what makes you happy and don't worry about what other people say. Wendy

Karen, I am ROFLMAO !!! That story made me laugh out loud, that is so precious !!! Hugs, Wendy

What a beautiful song Walt, thanks for sharing it. We have never met but I am so glad you did not leave, I enjoy reading your posts ! Wendy

Oh Teny....what exquisite work ! I am impressed beyond words and if you weren't so far away I would have an order in right now...no kidding ! Beautiful ! Wendy

Gail this will be a very tough week for you but you will get through it. I had lost Steve the beginning of March and already had to get through Easter and my Birthday and my Daughter's Birthday and our 28th wedding anniversary and it was tough but for some reason I am dreading the holidays even more, as I know you are. Try to keep yourself busy if you can, I think we are finding we are all stronger than we thought ! Wendy

What is Mozilla Firefox? Wendy

William, I too have this problem with my medications, luckily I only have to take my pills once a day and my asthma inhalers I need to use 3x a day. When Steve and I would go to bed at night he would always get my meds for me and bring me a glass of water to take my meds. He always took good care of me. Sometimes now I fall asleep in the livingroom and don't take my meds till the next day and with Effexor that is not good. I have started since I don't have any young children keeping my pills on the bathroom sink where I can see them and take them as soon as I brush my teeth and that seems to be working out well. Suzanne isn't it something how all of us were the worriers and our spouses helped keep things in perspective or always solved the problems? Steve could always fix something or figure something out and I just have no clue ! He was my safety net and now I feel like a trapeze artist with no net under me ready to take the plunge any day. Derek I totally agree with you on the widow things (sounds like we are old people) and survivor, yes it sounds like we were in a horrible accident or freak of mother nature and we made it and they didn't ! Hey Deborah I heard it is not good to have a watch near a microwave, don't remember why though. Wendy

Kay, Thank you for your post and you are so right ! But you see it is in my personality to worry about the future and things that haven't happened yet or may not even happen. See Steve and I always complimented eachother so when he worried about something I would unworry him and vice versa and I have nobody now to do that. I have to learn to stop worrying so much and just live day to day except for things that you must think about down the road such as retirement, investments etc. I have learned now from Steve's passing that as careful as you may be you still can't prevent things from happening, I could be sitting here stressing over selling Steve's tools and get killed in a car accident on the way home today and them wasted all that time worrying for nothing. (Does that make sense?) Wendy P.S. what is guided mode at the bottom here and don't we have spell check?

Well Derek April 6th is awful close to March by my books so we all lost someone at the same time only Derek you are alittle ahead of us. William I think but I am not sure about the gesture towards my husband if you meant me, thanks ! Please don't think guys I was telling this to make myself look good or anything I just wanted to share how difficult it was for me to tell the guys to take it and try to sell it for me, that bike has such special meaning and I am so glad he got to enjoy it for a couple years. I feel like part of him is in that bike but it will do nobody any good just sitting in the barn so I must sell it. Well my friends it has been a long weekend and I am very tired and I have found if I don't get good sleep before work I get more emotional that usual so I must get into bed. I pray that I will see Steve in my dreams ! Talk to you tomorrow. Good Nite, Wendy

Derek, William and Suzanne, I feel such a closeness with you guys, I think we have all really bonded in the last few days and it is unreal that we all lost our spouces in March. Derek what month did you lose your wife? Well I think I will be selling Steve's truck after the winter, the guys I work with will replace the exhaust for me next week but they said the frame is pretty bad ( 95 Honda Passport ) They picked his motorcycle up 2 weeks ago and have detailed it and will be putting it up for sale, I could not be here when they took it. Oh, I am the Controller for Denville Bear & Body Service (auto body repair) and Black Label Choppers). I will tell you the story of my husbands bike. Steve has had motorcycles since he was a young kid, but when he became disabled because of the circulation problem with his leg it became very difficult for him to shift and he slowly gave up one of the hobbies he most treasured. One day I happened to be with him and he had to stop at the motorcycle shop for a couple parts to fix up the bike he had to sell, and he was admiring all the bikes. Well he sat on a 2005 Yamaha Road Star Limited addition (only 1600 made)and it had what is called a heal and toe shifter which is something that would be very comfortable for him and he would be able to ride again. We left the shop and I could not get out of my mind how he glowed while he was sitting on that bike. The next day at work I called up our investment firm and told them I wanted to withdraw money out and used my connections in the motorcycle world to have one of the shops have that exact bike ready that afternoon to my specifications. I made up a story to get him there and I had them but a big bow on it in the show room with a sign that said sold and our last name. He immediately walked over to the bike and said to me "This is just like the one I showed you last night only this is exactly the way I would have wanted it" so I said " Really, hmm the bike is sold look at the sold sign" Well I don't think I have ever seen my husband go so pale and he actually cried and kept saying he was dizzy. He kept thinking he was dreaming and couldn't stop hugging and kissing me. He loved that bike so so much and I am so glad I did that for him. It is breaking my heart to sell that bike but I can not ride it as it is 1600cc and way too heavy for me and I no longer ride anyway. I will be so sad when it sells and the guys at the shop are having a hard time too as they used to ride with him. Anyhow I am sorry I have rambled and I really need to get to bed. I will check in with you guys tomorrow. Enjoy the rest of your night ! Hugs, Wendy P.S. I quit smoking somehow right after losing a cousin in the World Trade Center on 9-11 and losing my boss on 9/20 and my father-in-law on 9/25. My boss died of pancratic cancer and made me promise that I would quit when he died. I no longer have a desire to go back and losing my Steve was the real test for me. If I didn't go back then I knew that was it. Hardest damn thing I ever did going cold turkey after smoking for over 30 years. I loved to smoke and when I quit had to go on Effexor as I no longer could control my stress. Still on it to this day !

Suzanne I think you and I are right at the same point. When did you lose Will again? I have been driving his truck the last few weeks as winter is approaching and it is 4-wheel drive but even though I started it here and there there are problems with it. I drive a PT Cruiser Convertable and will have problems with the big snows we get here in Jersey. What state are you in? Going through Steve's clothes and other personal things is going to be tough I know, goodness I haven't even emptied his dirty clothes hamper, but I know I will get to it in time. But the tools and stuff I know he has alot of nice things and expensive things and I don't know what is what or is worth what and don't want strangers coming her to look at these things and ripping me off. I managed to redo the mortgage in just my name, that was very hard. I know I have to take each day at a time and stop looking at the big picture but my Holidays are ruined forever, this was our favorite time of year from now thru Christmas and I just don't know what to do to get thru them. My daughter and her boyfriend have been doing the yard for me on their only day to see eachother as he lives in another state and soon there will be the leaves and then snow. I don't even know how to use the snow blower !!! Wendy

William and Suzanne, I think from this point to March is going to be the toughest ! Steve and I have always loved the fall and flea markets and rides on the Motorcyle and Halloween and then there is Thanksgiving at my sisters and Christmas at my house which I can not bear to do this year. I still have my daughter at home so I at least have to put up a tree and maybe candles in the windows. Then there is New Years and a couple weeks after that is Steve's Birthday and then 2 weeks after that is Valentines day. OMG how are we going to get through it you guys, I can't handle this ! It is too much all in a row like that! Suzanne like you, Steve and I have been in this house since 1985 and it is just filled with memories and I have a barn just filled with tools and equipment and hunting stuff and guns and remote control airplanes that I have no idea what half the stuff is or its worth ! I haven't cleaned out his dresser and closet yet never mind that stuff. I just can't bear to do it yet, how about you guys have you done that yet? Wendy

Suzanne please don't beat yourself up over this, I was thinking the same thing as you were about Duke when I first read his post. I immediately thought why is he here by reading the way he posted. You didn't know either. Wendy

Kay thank you so much for sharing those, I didn't start here until it was about 5 1/2 months since Steve's passing but if I had started sooner I know those posts would have been me. I remember thinking that I no longer wanted to be alive but I was always told that if you commit suicide you don't go to heaven and I know my husband would be in Heaven without me and I couldn't bear that thought. Wendy

Oh yes William I do experience the haze you are talking about. Sometimes I can't remember what day of the week or even what month it is because my mind is wandering. Sometimes the simplist things seems difficult and before they were so easy. My biggest problem right now is looking at Steve's pictures. I feel semi-okay and then I look at one of his pictures and my stomach drops and my eyes immediately well up with tears and I am a mess. I don't want to put his and our pictures away but looking at them is so painful. What I wouldn't give for one of his big bear hugs right now and one of his neck rubs that makes my headaches go away. William are you as scared as I am about the Holidays coming up? I don't know how I am going to do it! Just thinking about them without him is making me cry ! Wendy

Duke, I am so sorry for your losses but I myself think you should stay in school, alot of times when we take time off from things we never go back. My daughter who is 22 took a break from college as she wanted to save up more money rather than take out loans never went back and wishes now she hadn't left. I went back to work after losing my husband after 3 wks and as hard as it was I wish I had gone back sooner. If I hadn't gone back to work which forced me out of bed in the morning and got me dressed and out of the house and kept my mind off my depression over losing my soul mate, I would have gone into a deep depression. You still grieve without taking time off and yes it is hard but staying home is not the solution. It has only been 6 months for me and I am not the expert here but please think hard about this before you do it. Wendy

William that was such a romantic story ! Are you finding like me that some days you are better and you think you are finally handling things alittle better and then the next you are an absolute mess? Your Friend, Wendy

Derek, You are so right, I would not trade for one minute the memories I have with Steve and our 2 beautiful daughters ! But this hurts so much ! It just hurts too damn much ! Wendy

Deborah I am so sorry for your loss and glad someone else is as confused as me, well you know what I mean. It just doesn't make sense to me either and I don't quite know what I believe anymore either. All I know is the love of my life is gone and I am hurting so so bad. You know even if I happened to meet someone else in the future I don't know what I would do as I could not go through this again and I would be afraid of that happeneing all over again! Wendy

William I am so sorry for your loss too. You and I were grieving only 5 days apart in the beginning. Strange how even bad things bring people together isn't it? Please tell me more about Karen and how you guys met etc. I am very interested. Wendy

Thank you so much, I did find that article helpful, I especially liked the end about balance...that is so true. Thanks, Wendy

I understand there are far too many things that we do not understand but I can't imagine this hurt not going away. When I met Steve I was only 15 years old and in High School, within minutes of meeting him I turned to my girlfriend and said that is the man that I will marry someday. 6 years later on April 28th 1979 we were married. I never prayed to win the lottery or to have a mansion etc. All I ever wanted was to marry my Steve and have 2 girls and have a cute house with a white picket fence, have a dog and have enough money to be able to pay our bills and be able to put some money away for our future so that Steve and I could grow old together and enjoy all our years. Well we got married, had our 2 girls, I am still in the house with the white picket fence, have 6 little dogs (so I was off by a few)and here I am alone now. What is so fair about that? Why should my husbands brother still be here on earth when he is a horrible person that his family has disowned and is a drug addict, an alcoholic, been in and out of jail his entire life for everything imaginable, has threatened all our lives, has burned houses etc. and even has TB and had a lung removed and lives under the Golden Gate Bridge ( Nice huh? ) and yet my husband who never did any of those things and was an incredible most wonderful man had to die young. I am tired of hearing God had better plans for him....I don't buy that. He had family and friends here that loved him dearly and needed him and we still do, we are lost without him. Doesn't seem fair to me to take such a wonderful person away and devastate so many people and cause so much pain...this has entirely ruined my faith in God as I just don't understand the fairness in it all. I remember someone whom I used to work with that had a mug that said "Lifes a B*t*h and then you die". It is so true, you work so hard your entire life to struggle to get to where you want to be and then the rug is lifted from out from under you and you land flat on your a*&. It is then up to you to pick yourself up and put yourself back together again and go on. People you have known for years and friends suddenly fall out of site as they don't know what to say to you or it is like the 2 of us were a package deal and now one of us is gone. People keep telling me you have to look to the future and not dwell on the past or crying won't bring him back etc. I really as you can see don't know who to blame, I know my husband never ever would have left me and I know how he fought leaving so at no point would I ever be mad at him for leaving me alone like this but if there is so much pain and suffering and wars and death and disease in this world how are we supposed to keep the faith when the world is such a horrible place? Wendy

Hello Lori and thank you for your kind words. I am in in Jefferson Twsp on the border of Sussex and Morris County. Wendy I want to thank all of you for your kinds words and all of your support. You have made me feel very welcome here. Wendy