WendyJ

Last week I had a very bad emotional week and was crying alot. At one point I looked at Steve's picture and told him he definately had to find a way to contact me to at least let me know he is okay and that as long as I knew he was okay it would help me to heal. Well I have to tell you, I don't know why but I never really had dreams about my husband even when he was alive but this is the dream I had. He and I were walking up the very steep hill that goes up to the house he was living in before we got married with his Mom, now mind you we were together but I could not see him next to me. We for some reason had to sneak in the house as his mother had people over and they were comforting her and we did not want to be seen. I then remember being in the next room and I didn't know where Steve had gone and on 2 separate occasions someone would walk in the room but to my surprise they did not see me. I remember then trying to sneak out of the house but having to go back in as I realized my wallet was not in my purse. ?????? (weird) and then I just remember leaving the house by myself wondering where Steve was. Now his Mom no longer lives there and has only called me once since Steve's passing even though I sent her flowers for Mother's Day. I want to say I almost take this as a message telling me his Mom is grieving too but I didn't ask for him to show me that, I asked to know he was okay and watching over me. Any thoughts on this crazy dream or do you think that is all it was is a crazy dream? Wendy

Thank you so much Karen, it is nice to find a friend here. I miss him so very much and feel so lost without him after 34 years. I do not remember life without him ! I don't know how to do things without him nor do I have a desire to do anything without him. Well I am off to bed as tomorrow is another work day, again thank you Karen for your kind words and your friendship. Good Nite, Wendy

Thank You Karen for your kind words and I hope you are right about that God wouldn't give us something special and take it away forever. You see Steve was probably the most wonderful person you ever wanted to meet, and I truly mean that. He was always there for myself and my family and friends and even if you were a complete stranger. It didn't matter how much he was in pain or what he had planned if someone needed his help he was there for them. Once my hubby was retired on disability and since I still worked full time he insisted on doing the shopping and cooking the meals and would most days have dinner either ready or cooking when I got home. I would always call while I was on my way home and he would have coffee ready (oh dear here comes the waterworks) and we would sit down in the kitchen and open the mail together and talk about our day. He was a real jokester and always had me laughing and we did everything together, we truly were a match made in heaven. I just can't understand how such a wonderful man could be taken like this. I want him to know how much I love him and miss him so much and there will never ever be anyone who could come close to being the wonderful person he is. I am so torn apart as all our hopes and dreams and all we have worked for are now gone. I am too tired now to even begin to think of what I want in my future as I know he won't be in it and I must go it alone. I have wonderful friends and a wonderful family but it is not the same as having my wonderful Steve. Wendy

I have to apologize as I have posted a couple times but never properly introduced myself. My name is Wendy and I live in New Jersey and on March 7th of this year I lost my husband, my soulmate my dearest friend in the whole world Steve. His problem started many years ago with a so called simple vein stripping which caused him to get Phlebitis which in turn destroyed the valves in the main vein in his leg which is needed to pump the blood from your heart to your feet. Over the years he has had a few surgeries, a stint was put in, had to always wear a surgical stocking to improve the circulation in his leg, wear a surgical shoe, had to have a toe removed and delt with many very painful Ulcers. He had to be on blood thinners for many years but was taken off of them about 10 years ago. To make a long story alittle shorter while dealing with all this he has also been seeing a doctor for what they said was the beginning of arthritis in his joints and his one knee in particular was really bothering him so they put him on some potent pain relievers. He was also many years ago put on permanant disability as he had a hard time being on his feet without elevating his leg. Over the years he was dealing with his disability and managing it while still seeing his doctor. Well on the morning of March 7th he got up for me like he usually would to start my car for me as it was extremely cold and snowing and ice as I have asthma. He took an exceptionally long time in the bathroom and when he came out said he was dizzy and proceded to have some sort of attack and at one point I do believe he was gone, well they got him to the hospital and he came around fine and was joking and laughing and they said they would keep him overnight for observation. A few hours later they told him he could get up to go to the bathroom and had the same thing happen and they made me leave the room. At certain times I could see him looking to see where I was, swinging his arms in a panic and moaning very loudly! Next thing I knew they were yelling code blue and after an hour of trying to get him to come around they told me he was gone. I had an autopsy done, it was a blood clot that went to his heart. He was only 52 and I am 49 and we had been together since I was 15 and he was 18. We have 2 beautiful daughters, one he walked down the isle this past October and one who will now never have that luxury. I miss my husband so so much and I cry everyday and at times I don't know how I will go on. My life must now change drastically and I find I am no longer living just surviving each and every day. Will I ever wake up from this horrible nightmare? Wendy

Gail.... Kay is right. As hard as this is for all of us ( it has been 6 months for me ) the worst part is being home. I had always looked forward in the past when Steve was alive to weekends and espeically 3 day weekends and now I have a hard time with them. I am not too bad with 1 day but by the second day I am in tears and deeply depressed. At least when I finally get my butt to work it keeps me busy and that helps. If I also worked at home I would be going off the deep end by now. You really do need to get out of the house to do things as hard as that is for you. We are all hurting but we all need to be here for eachother, please keep in touch. Wendy

Okay now I am so confused, if they are shielded from the bad then why do we bother to speak to them as they are not hearing us. Like if I was upset about not knowing how to fix something or having a rough time and needed Steve to guide me or just talking to him while I am crying does that mean he doesn't hear me? If he only sees me when I am happy then he may think I am not even bothered by loosing him. If they can be around us and we can sense them then what are they seeing if they are not seeing us sitting there crying etc. Am I making any sense as I am having a hard time exlaining what I mean. Wendy

Kay, I have a question for you. You mentioned in your post that when you go to heaven there will be peace and no more pain and no more sorrow. So does that mean when I sit here day after day and cry and cry and talk to my husband and beg him to please communicate with me or to please be with me and help me to go on alone that he does not witness my pain? In other words do you feel that they can hear us and wish they could comfort us and feel bad that we are going through this? Can they look down upon us and see how much we miss them and need them? Oh dear am I making any sense? Wendy

I too start the waterworks within minutes of getting in my car to drive home from work. That was always the time of day I could start to relax till the next day after work. Once I got home, Steve would already have the coffee going and we would sit together in the kitchen with our coffee and go through the mail and talk about our day and discuss what we were doing for dinner etc. It was "our time" to unwind from our busy day and it was the best time of the day. Now when I sit in the kitchen I look over at his empty chair and even though it has only been six months it seems like years since I saw him sitting there. What was once my best time of the day is now my worst time of the day. Wendy

Hello everyone, I too am new here and I also lost my husband in March, actually on the 7th which was 6 months ago this past Friday. I am amazed that as I read alot of these posts, even though I am new that I have been doing a double take to make sure it wasn't my own post. I too wish I could age faster so it would be sooner to be with my Steve and then I think will I be with him again? DOes it really work that way? How do we know? I just know that the pain is too much and I am so tired of crying and puffy eyes and basically not living any more just surviving each and every day. Wendy

I am so jealous that I have not had any simular experience of a visitation from my husband after being together for 34 years. All I keep saying to him is "Please just let me know you are okay and finally free of pain and it will help me to go on" and nothing. At times I get so frustrated that he has not contacted me in any way, do you believe that some people are receptive to it and some aren't or do you think maybe I am trying too hard? Wendy

Karen, I certainly do agree with you ! I lost my husband Steve very unexpectedly 6 months ago Friday to a blood clot to the heart after being together 34 years, I was only 15yrs old when we met. Anyhow I have 6 Japanese Chins who are the type to cling to humans, people always say I have a little train of 6 cars that follow me. But what they do at night now, and they started this the night he died is they completely surround me while I am sleeping. It is so touching and comforting to me, I don't know what I would do without them. Wendy