WendyJ

Suzanne they have a place online for that ??? OMG I would love to have a bear too ! Please tell me where I can find this. I think since my Mom sews I would like to ask her to make a blanket for me, I was going to ask her to make it for me for Christmas but you know darn well I will ball my eyes out when she gives it to me and the Holiday will be hard enough as it is. I am so glad to have all of you too, you are all so special to me and have helped me more than you will ever know ! Love, Wendy

Karen I am worried about Suzanne too, if I were her I would go to the doctors immediately ! That blood pressure is nothing to mess with, hear us Suzanne? And while I am at it...William did you take your meds tonight??? You know me reminding William helps me to remember, and it helps me keep an eye on him too . Now Karen what is this lump you are talking about? You mean just that lump you get in your throat when your nerves kick in? I don't know if I will get yelled at for saying this but here it goes. I was just advised by a family member to sign up with something called Lifelock.com. Not only is everyone vulnerable but I know right now the last thing I would need is to get nailed with identity theft. This protects you from that and stops junk mail and stops all those pre-approved credit cards from coming in the mail. I think you should all check it out, I feel so much better knowing I am protected. Sorry Marty if I shouldn;t have said this ! Love, Wendy

Boy we are all having an emotional week huh? I was driving home tonight and I just started talking to Steve like I do alot of times and I just started blubbering. You know maybe you guys are right, maybe it is too soon for me to give away his clothes. I would really love to have someone take alot of his shirts and cut them into squares and make me a small security blanket, you know one I could keep on the back of the chair and use on chilly nights or take to bed or just use when I am feeling weepy. How would I find someone who can do that? I am not a person who sews so I wouldn;t know where to begin. Thank you everyone for your kind words and Suzanne take care of yourself, wow that is high blood pressure, girl you have us all worried about you!!! How you feeling Karen, any better tonight? Derek, thanks so much for your advice, I am definately going to wait, you are so right I really am not ready. Hugs, Wendy

Oh my dear friend William, I am sorry but now you know to keep your guard up, right? We are so vulnerable right now and it is so easy to pull one over on us, but I guarantee you won't let that happen again ! Oh dear did you send her money? You want me to go over there and beat the crap out of her? Wendy

Oh Karen I so much know what you mean. Just when I think I have made some good progress I have a time like right now where I could just cry on forever. You know what still scares me? I am not sure that I have fully accepted it, I wonder if in my mind I still think this may be temporary, I don't think so but I am not positive. Maybe that is why I have not cleaned out his stuff or even his dirty hamper ! I am actually forcing myself to get rid of his clothes because the Lupus Foundation is having a drive right now and they want clothing etc that they will sell and the funds go for research and it is tax deductable of course and right now the doctors think my Mom may have Lupus. This may be the push I need to clean house and help a good cause and they will be coming on October 8th so I better get cracking but it is going to be very hard ! You know Karen this was always my favorite time of year and the upcoming winter scares me as I have not gone through a winter yet without Steve and it has given me a huge knot in my stomach. I am in Northern New Jersey and I live on Mays Mountain. They are predicting a bad winter and if you notice the birds and especially the crows and squirrels fattening themselves up. See usually the squirrels will store food for the winter but this year they are fattening themselves up which means extreme colds and wet weather ! I will be snowbound as having had back surgery in the past and having asthma I am no match for the cold and shoveling. Then of course we know about how depressing the Holidays will be for all of us. I wish I had some words of comfort to make your pain go away but I am down tonight too, just know you are not alone my friend. Wendy

Marty, All these topics always intrigued me even before my Steve's death. One thing I have always wanted to do was to see John Edwards in person, I heard it is very expensive but I would still love to see him. I have also always loved watching shows like Ghost Hunters and we actually at one time did have a ghost in our house that would play with the very dog that I mentioned in another post that was barking and howling at me when I said I smelled Steve, which is now very strange as it is almost constant. We lost our playful ghost when we put an addition on the house. Thank you for all the information you listed I am going to check it all out. Hugs, Wendy

William that's wonderful but I have to ask how you were able to meet a woman in Russia ? Wow that is a bit of a distance, did you exchange photos too or just chat? This must be serious for her to come all the way from Russia ! I wish you all the best ! Wendy

William, So you experienced about the same thing I did. Why when you go to a church can you not just be welcomed and told of what they have going on and what they have to offer without craming it down your throat? It is so sad because I have felt each time like they were a cult trying to put a hook in me and real me in. I would love to just go to church and enjoy the service and go home, but it is like they don't want that, they want you to be more involved and then some of them want you to commit your life savings to them. My sister was going to join a certain chuch so she could get her 5 yr old twins involved in Sunday School and she changed her mind when she found out she had to commit to a certain percentage of their income. I hope I don't offend anyone either but these are true experiences and I do not believe you have to be a member of a church to pray. Wendy

Thank you William, it is so sad to see her this way, she can ask you 20 times in about a 15 min span the same question, sometimes more. Teny it is nice to hear from you again, how are you my friend? Wendy

Is that quote from Christine Duminiak? It sounds familiar. I thought about joining her prayer group for communication from passed loved ones. But am reluctant as I am not very religious and do not like being preached to at all. I do believe in God and pray in my own way in my own time and do not feel the need to be in church to do that. Anytime I tried joining a church I was turned completely off by the way they just jump on you like you were a new body to recruit. It was always join this group or join that group or I will come to your house to pray etc. it was just too much for me. I have even tried just going and sitting in the back of church trying not to be acknowledged and never got away with it. I don't mind people saying welcome and please join us again but it was never that simple. Hugs, Wendy

William, I never knew my real father as my mother divorced him when I was a year old and we lived with my Grandparents and my Great Grandparents in a lovely 2 family house. My mother was young when she had me so I was raised by mostly grandparents and so so spoiled. Steve and I had just started dating when my Grandfather passed ( Great Grandparents were long gone) and I think that brought me even closer to him. My Grandmother God love her is still alive and lives with my Mom, she is now 93 and has Dementia and Alzheimers, it is so sad. I had a wonderful, almost like a Currier and Ives type of childhood, so wonderful but I think I always had that longing for a dad which I never had. I have a step dad now, but it is not the same as growing up with a father. Hugs, Wendy

You are so welcome William, I got your back covered ! Do you know you are like the 10th person that has mentioned a humingbird? I am so shocked at this, there has to be something behind this because you don't see them that often, especially as close as everyone is saying that they come. My luck would be I would sit outside all day waiting for one by the flowers and get stung by a bee ! LOL Please tell me what you are reading on ADC if it is interesting. Wendy

John, I am so sorry for your loss of Jack. We have not met yet but I enjoyed reading what you wrote more than you know ! You really have a way with words and I wish you would post more often as you have such a touching way with your thoughts. Wendy William, You should have seen the look on his face, I didn't even know it was coming. A woman could have asked me the same question and I would have just said " Ahh life sucks" But when a man asks me I break down and lose it. I have always worked with guys mostly maybe that has something to do with it. Right now I work with 50 guys and there is only myself and 2 of the owners wives whom work part time. I have to tell you each and everyone of them was there at Steve's service to support me, I love them all, they are all like brothers to me. I haven't had any side effects from the Effexor, but I can't seem to get off of them but now after losing Steve I won't even try, not now anyway. Wendy

Derek and William, I have been on Effexor since October of 2001. In September of 2001 I lost a cousin in the World Trade Center,5 days later my boss died of pancreatic cancer and 6 days after that my father in law died. I had a yearly doctors appointment and we he asked me how I was doing I became a blubbering idiot ! He just started writing on my chart knodding his head saying "Well I know what you need". I tried a couple times to stop taking them slowly but I would resort to being kinda not so nice so I am still on them. I still grieved and still am for Steve so I know for a fact it doesn't prolong the process, I still went through hell, it just kept me from going off the deep end. You know none of us will ever be the same again, our dreams have been shattered and our world turned upside down. I hate the lonliness I see in my future, I don't want anyone else, I want Steve back. But unless somebody knows of a way, it's not going to happen so I must go on, even with a broken heart. I don't remember how to be me, all I know is how to be us. Wendy

I have a question I have been wondering about. Marty you had said that a common way for communication is in our dreams. How can we tell the difference between a communication while we are sleeping and just a dream? Wendy

You know I wonder if there is already something like that, I should check out on line and see ! Wendy William did you take your meds today? I am going right now to take mine. Hugs, Wendy

You know it is too bad we don't all live near eachother because I could help out with the cars and autoglass repair and if someone had a motorcycle. I work for an autobody collision shop and we also own Mr Auto Glass and Black Label Choppers, we also own Black Bear Paving. I actually am not as concerned about the big jobs as I am the small ones or little things that always seem to happen late at night. It seems like the little repairs are the ones you don't know who to call and most of them are too small for most people to even come out. I wish I had some money as I would start my own business and call it Rent A Spouse. It would be for Widows and Widowers who are lost and need help and for small jobs nobody would charge as they could barter for something they needed done. For larger jobs a fair price would be settled on. I could even have a 24 hr a day emergency service. I know myself knowing that help was just a phone call a way would be such a relief ! Wendy William and Suzanne I wish I had that same experience with the bed sinking, but then again maybe I did and didn't know it. I have 6 little Japanese Chin that never let me out of their site and follow me like a little train. They are so darling, so sleeping with six little bodies on my bed there is always someone moving around..... that must have been such a comfort though ! Wendy

I don't like thinking about the future because it scares me so much. I hate this William, I hate my life now it is so empty. The love of my life is gone and I am alone and lost. All my hopes and dreams are shattered and I am so scared. When will I start to live again and not just existing? Not one thing in my life has the same meaning anymore. I still 20 times a day think I have to remember to tell Steve something or ask him something etc. It scares me to think that maybe I haven't fully accepted this yet and I am going to get worse. Maybe the reason I haven't touched anything of his but the motorcycle is because I have myself convinced he may come back? Wendy

William, I believe my house was built in the 50's or 60's. I live in a lake community where most of these homes at one time were summer homes and converted to all year around. A year before Steve died we had an addition put on with a new master bedroom and a nice kitchen (the orig is now a laundry room and is so small 2 people in it is too much) and a screened porch. We took out 1 bedroom and made a much larger livingroom. But see we are on a cement slab, of course no basement so all plumbing is in the walls and in the cement floor. Alot of updates were done when the addition was put on such as taking out the ceiling panels that were sagging and putting up sheetrock. I would call a plumber or elec. if something major came up but it is the little projects that are bothering me that I have nobody. Examples...why is the vacuum making that funny noise or the door is sticking or this window is stuck or the ice maker stopped making ice etc. (just using as example) who in the heck do you call for more simple things ? I don't belong to a church group like many of you and my brother in law is useless and my step father lives in Florida now. These are the things that I am concerned about that are simple now but might not be later on, does that make sense? Winter is coming and we get alot of snow here in Jersey and not only do I not know how to use and upkeep a snow blower but with Asthma and having had back surgery 10 years ago I can't use the snow blower or shovel or even stay outside long enough to clean off my car without my asthma kicking in. I better stop now because I will just get myself in a tizzy with worry...help William what do I do ? Wendy

Some of these things that need to be done are not something I can do though like putting up fence or fixing a door frame etc. or even doing electrical things. I just have this fear of something happening late at night like a pipe leaking or thinking I smell something electrical burning etc. where before I could just say "Honey could you look at this or fix that" etc and now nobody is there. And forget the promises my brother in law made to be there for me. My sister is lucky if she can get him to do projects ! I feel so lost !!! Wendy

William of course I have not been through this long enough to advise you but Steve has only been gone 7 months and I swear to you it seems like I have not seen him in years ! It is almost to me like it was a different lifetime. Gosh I miss him so much ! Wendy

Thanks everyone for your responses, it is nice to know I am not the only one who has experienced these things. Today was just one of those days that started off okay and ended horribly. I had some workers here who just don't understand much English that screwed a few things up that I wanted them to do and my cousins husband was to come and fix some electical things and change the plugs on my 2 vacuums as they both went (so much for Oreck) and change a phone jack etc. He brought the wrong thermostat and forgot the plugs ! Mind you I have 6 little long haired dogs...I need my vacuum. Well of course after everyone left I had one of my breakdowns as when I had Steve he fixed everything. I never had to rely on other people and pay them or have them botch things up or forget things etc. I am hating every minute of this. Besides missing him so so much my next worst thing is the things around the house that he would take care of that I have no clue ! I feel so vulnerable and helpless and I never had to feel this way before because Steve would take care of it. Is anyone else as scared as I am no longer having a man in the house? Wendy

Oh dear you are all going to probably think I am going crazy here. I was sitting there tonight watching Survivor and all of a sudden out of nowhere I swear I could smell Steve. It is now 11pm and I am telling you it is still happening on and off, could it just be something else that reminds me of him? I swear as soon as I smelled it this feeling came over me and I felt this sense of comfort. My tiniest dog was also looking at me and barking and howling like something was there or he wanted something. Is it possible that Steve was here or am I just putting a scent with what I would like it to be ? Wendy

Erica, I am at 6 1/2 months and I have to tell you I have been back and forth but about 3 weeks ago I was feeling pretty good thinking the worst was over, still having a few set backs here and there and then BAM !!! 2 weeks ago I got hit like a Mack Truck ! It was literally as bad as the first week I lost him, it was the week from Hell ! Last week I was alittle better and this week so far I am better, with bouts of crying and sadness but I know it is going to hit me again at some point. I know it will go on forever as I just can't cut the emotions from the extreme love I had for my precious Steve for 34 years ! I just can't believe that I am a widow at 49 years of age, I can't believe the man I have loved since High School is gone forever, I can't believe my younger daughter when the time comes will not have a father to walk her down the isle, I can't believe I have to spend the rest of my life alone, without him to make me laugh. Oh I could go on and on, but you know life is just not fair like I have said before, we can send men to the moon but we have not done enough for the medical field, we can waste alot of money on tv shows and commercials etc yet there are diseases that still do not have a cure. We can pay athletes millions of dollars yet there is still no cure for the common cold. It just isn't right ! Wendy

Lori, You and I need to find out if there are any other members near where we are as you are only about an hour and a half from me. Anyone else out there in the area of New Jersey? Wendy