WendyJ

I have a question for those of you who are much more religious than I am. What says we will see our loved ones again? Where did that belief start, is that just wishful thinking or does this really happen do you believe? I know once when I was very sick from the flu when I was younger I passed out and actually saw my life pass before my eyes and saw relatives I had not seen in years but my Mom said I was out for only about 10 seconds. COuld this be what is mistaken as seeing our loved ones again? I hope it is true that we do but I wonder how they know this. Love, Wendy

Oh believe me I know I am right where you are. I started to type a reply to another post and as I was typing "Steve no longer exists" I did it in slow motion, it was so weird it was like I was telling myself for the first time...he is no longer here and never will be again and I lost it and erased the whole post. I have this strange feeling I have been lying to myself and leading myself to believe that this is just temporary. I am afraid that one day I am going to snap, does anyone else fell this way? Love, Wendy

Derek, I do not know what you mean about living a godly life but my husband never went to church and believed that if he did lightning was going to strike him. ( I swear he did ) I do believe in God and I do pray when the need arises but I do not go to church as I have chosen not to which I explained my experiences in previous posts. So I do not believe my husband died before his horrible brother because of that reason. I still believe in Billy Joels song though "Only the Good Die Young" because they didn't come and better than my husband. Love, Wendy

I too reached 7 months yesterday, gosh I miss him so much. Life is so unfair and cruel, I hope I never get reincarnated I couldn't go through this again ! Wendy

William, if you look back on a previous post of mine I said something very simular. Steve's younger brother Alan is a poor excuse for a human being yet he is still here and Steve isn't. His brother has never held a job more than a short period of time in his life, is on drugs, abuses alcohol has been in and out of prison since his teens, not a tooth in his mouth, has threatened our families lives for money many many times, lives under the Golden Gate Bridge, has burned houses down when he was told he would be evicted for non payment of rent and is just all around scum, smokes like 3 packs a day and has TB and already had 1 lung removed. My husband never took drugs, never abused alcohol and was the sweetest most caring person I have known in my entire life. Why would God take my husband who had so much to look forward to in his future with retirement, finally having an addition put on our house, seeing his other daughter get married and seeing Grandchildren being born and a wife who loved him so so much ? Why would God take him instead of someone like Alan? Actually maybe I do know when it comes to his brother, they say you can't kill the devil ! Wendy P.S. I can't tell you guys also how often I prayed that I would just die too so I could be with Steve and be happy again, cause it is so painful being left behind so I understand what you are saying !

Good Afternoon everyone. Well my Mom is home, they found something very suspicious in her PET scan so I believe they are going to want to do a biopsy some day this week. They are not sure if it is cancerous or if it is just inflamation. I just hope she doesn't get too stressed by my Grandmother's never ending questions and silly things she does with her Alzheimers, it can get very trying to handle. If you can please keep her in mind with your prayers, I would really appreciate it. Love, Wendy

Oh Thank You Lori, you are too sweet. I was wondering where you were, are you done with Jury Duty now? What a beautiful day we are having here in Jersey. Besides being in court all week how are you doing? Love, Wendy

Thanks so much William, I would love a hug today on this anniversary and I have been busy trying to keep my mind off of what day it is. I am glad you are remembering your meds, I have been too but not always right on time but I am getting better. Sometimes reminding you helps me remind myself ! Love, Wendy

Gail I guess we are both tired already of saying I instead of we. You know another thing that bothers me is I feel that even though Steve is no longer alive that he is still my husband and nobody can take that away from me. I was watching a show the other day and two people were getting married and repeating their vows and they said " Till Death do us part", and I lost it. I took a vow that said that Steve was my husband and that I would be married to him till he died, and since he did die that means I am no longer married and he is no longer my husband, and that hurts me alot. As I am typing this I am looking down at my wedding rings and realizing that I am no longer married. Why is life so unfair? Love, Wendy

Hey guys, just got home alittle while ago from sitting with my 93 year old Grandmother. She lives with my Mom so we have been taking turns sitting with her and sleeping there as she can't be alone for prolonged periods of time as she has dementia and Alzheimers. They might let my Mom go home tomorrow, but they still don't have all the results back, we do know she does have Lupus but they still have suspicions there may be cancer too, the pet scan should show more. I do not know how she is going to go home, she gets so winded from just alittle walking and my grandmother will ask the same questions 100 times in an hour which will drive my mothers blood pressure through the roof ! Any how it is after midnight which means it is the 7th, and that makes it 7 months since Steve passed. I need a hug tonight too guys, and a tissue, I miss my Steve, I miss my life the way it was, I am dreading all the firsts that are coming up etc. just like some of you. Has anyone figured out how to wake up this this horrible dream we are all having together ? Love, Wendy P.S. Oh geez I forgot my meds, I wonder if someone else out there took his? Hint hint hint !!!

William, I see they kept you in line for me...I am so glad cause they knew I'd kick your butt ! LOL How are you feeling my friend, I think yesterday was your 7 months? And I know Suzaane is right at that point too I believe. My Steve's 7 months is Sunday. Gosh you guys 7 months, is that possible? Why do I feel that it has been years though since I have seen him? Love, Wendy P.S. William did you take your meds ? Hey wait...I didn't take mine ! Thanks to all of you for your prayers and keeping William in line with his meds. I am very tired now as it is tough trying to work fulltime and visit my Mom and take care of a house and 6 little puppies ! So I will sign off now and say "Good nite John Boy" Love, Wendy

She said at one point in this movie “I miss what I was with him – and all that’s left is this stranger to go on”. John I broke into tears when I read this as this is exactly how I feel. I am 49 now and I had been with Steve since I was 15 yrs old. I am a stranger to myself as I only knew "WE" and "US" as we came as a package, never alone and never without eachother and now it is just "ME" and I do not know who I am. Love, Wendy

I have a hard time listening to music and people are so surprised as music means alot to me and I love to sing. It seems that every song brings back memories and make me cry, someday I will listen to it again. The song that means the most is by Bette Midler...You are the Wind Beneath my Wings, from the minute I heard that song for the first time, I knew that song was written for my Steve. I had my daughter do a beautiful printing of it off the internet with doves around it and had it framed along with our wedding picture in a diamond picture frame for his service. I now have a dove pendant that I wear around my neck with some of his ashes in it so as he is always with me wherever I go. Love, Wendy

Hey there my friends. Well I just got back from visiting with my Mom, when I walked in she was sitting up doing a crossword puzzle ! Yeah ! She is still on Oxygen and gets winded very easily and we still do not have the results. Yes she does have Lupus, but is this all from the Lupus or is there also Lymphoma? They are sending her by ambulance on Friday to another nearby Hospital for a PET SCAN, it is almost like, but safer than a full body scan where they inject a die that goes to all your vital organs and they look like they glow and you can see everything going on. When we will have the results from that...who knows ! I know all your prayers has helped her and you have no idea how much I appreciate that and value you all as my good friends. I hope soon my Mom will be home and better and I can get back to dealing with my grief from losing Steve as this is keeping me occupied but not in a positive way. It is so strange how the littlest things can set you off. I was driving home from the Hospital, and as I was sitting at a light, I had my car window open and I could hear the crckets and the cicada's and peeper frogs in the distance and I started to cry thinking how lovely it sounded and that Steve was not there to be with me at that moment. When did I go from a vibrant 40 something woman with everything she wanted to a lonely old widow , cause that is exactly how I feel now. Just in the 7 months since he has been gone I feel like I aged many years. Does anyone else like that? ANd gosh it is so lonely and quiet in this house not to have him to talk to and joke around with. Can you tell I feel alittle weepy tonight? LOL Love, Wendy

Thanks Derek you are such a good friend and you are right, I need to go to bed so I will check the rest of these posts tomorrow, I went back to work today and need to be in early tomorrow and I am so tired. I miss you ! Love, Wendy Nite Nite

William, Yes I do care, very much. You and I are very close on our anniversary of our losses and we seem to have many of the same feelings. Alot of us here have made some special friendships I believe that hopefully will last and I get nervous when we don't hear from eachother that is why even if I can only post a quick message I make sure I post something. You are my friend as are alot of people here and are always in my thoughts and prayers. My Mom is alittle better today but still very weak, no diagnosis yet, they are having a hard time pin pointing a cause, talk more tomorrow my friends ! William I took my meds, did you? Love you all, Wendy Karen thanks so much my friend, I told my mother and she was so touched a tear ran down her cheek. You are all such wonderful friends and I pray I will have better news real soon. Love, Wendy P.S. Corrine thanks for reminding WIlliam about his meds while I am busy.

Hey everyone, just a quick note, just back from the Hospital and need to eat dinner (12 midnight no less) and then I am going to bed. They drained 2 1/4 liters of fluid tonight from around her lungs ! They should have a cause tomorrow but the doctors still suspect it will either be Lymphoma or Lupus. Please keep the prayers coming for her (Marcia)I am so tired and so drained sometimes I go to bed and forget to pray ! Hehehe Yes I can be a toughie when it comes to men, don't forget I am the only woman that works with 50 guys so I am used to it. They are there for me in a heartbeat when I need them but watch out if they don't do something important, I let them have it. With William we just care too much and he makes us worry ( bad boy). Speaking of which William take your meds ! Till tomorrow....... Love You, Wendy

Hey my wonderful friends I am just giving a quick report for the night and then taking a shower and getting some sleep. SHe was doing better this afternoon but tonight, not so much. They made her sit in a chair and walk to the bathroom to make her lungs do some work and I think it really pooped her out. They took out some of the tubes but she is still having alot of chest pain. Probably either tomorrow or Weds they will have her results, please pray that it is not as serious as it could be for me ? I really love you guys and miss you alot ! WILLIAM !!! I am very upset with you my dear friend. Look, you and I are approaching 7 months, and we are both going thru hell and we miss our spouses very much but I am going thru another hell right now and the least you can do is take your meds and write to this group when you are feeling down instead of disapearing and making us worry ! We all perfectly understand what you are feeling and I for one have to remember my meds too, but I have realized that if I do, I feel even worse and can't handle things as well as with my meds. Believe me I have been taking extra meds the last week just to get through almost losing my Mom. Now young man you start behaving or I am getting on a plane and coming out to Arizona and kick your butt. ( then again you guys like that sort of stuff...hehehe) Really my friend you be good okay? Ilove you guys, Wendy

Good Evening my dear friends, you have no idea how much I miss you all ! Please keep your prayers coming, they do seem to be helping. Tonight they took her out of CCU and took her to PCU which means they think she is improving some. Then again who knows maybe the insurance company insisted on it, you know how they can be ! She seemed alittle better tonight, when I left she was having some pain in her heart but they believe it is because they drained all the fluid from around her heart which gave it some cushioning. They are still waiting for results to find out what is causing this all, but at least for now she is somewhat stable. Well I need to get some sleep as I am so afraid of that phone ringing during the night. Please remember I love you all and will keep you informed. Oh and thanks for reminding William to take his meds ! Love, Wendy P.S. William it is 12:00....did you take your meds today???

Oh my dear friends thank you so much for all your prayers, please keep them coming. She is in CCU now, they drained the fluid and blood from around her heart today and they put an umbrella type device in to keep any more clots from going to her lungs. We are waiting on results but they are now thinking Lymphoma. I have never seen my mother like this, and I am struggling through this but so far I have been stronger than I thought and I know it is from all the love and prayers from you my dear friends. I miss you all and will keep in touch as soon as I can. I love you my friends, Wendy P.S. Someone please reming William to take his meds while I am gone !

Hello my friends, I am so stressed and scared beyond belief. My mother was taken into the hospital yesterday and to make a long story short she has multiple blood clots in her lungs, a swollen lymph node and fluid around her heart. She will be undergoing surgery at 7:30 am to try to remove some of the fluid. I wish you guys could be with me for support, guys I cant handle this so soon after losing my Steve, it's only been 6 months, I can't take much more. I am so scared I will lose her too! Please say a prayer for her (Marcia) that God will keep her in his hands and protect her and make her better. I am so scared my friends ! Love You guys, Wendy

Lori I know exactly what you mean about the music, I can not handle it either. I have always been one to really enjoy my music and learn all the lyrics so I am staying away from that for quite awhile. No sad songs for me until I can better handle them. Love, Wendy

William you are not a loser, you were just taken advantage of. Do you seriously think we all haven't been taken advantage of at one time or another? Don't forget you are vulnerable right now and that worked to their advantage. We all need to be careful right now as our thinking isn't as clear as it should be. Love, Wendy P.S. I don't know about teaching them a lesson the practical way, they need a good swift kick...well you know.

Sorry guys I got sidetracked by a phone call. Nite nite Suzanne, I hope that tomorrow will seem just alittle brighter for you. I know some of my days are better than others, I usually judge them on if I got anything accomplished and how much I cried. All I know is every time I look at a picture of Steve I swear he sees me and is looking right back and I cry every time ! Like you Suzanne I miss my husband more than anyone could ever imagine and would give anything to have things back the way they were, and if that were possible I would be a better wife, a better mother and a better person. None of us are perfect but this has caused me to look back on my past and see where I could have made some improvements. I found one website here in Jersey, not sure if that is the one but she is pretty pricey, I know it would be worth it but whew ! Gotta think about that for a bit. Love, Wendy P.S. Where is my buddy William tonight ?

Karen, Can you call Heaven with your computer? Wishful thinking ! Love, Wendy