leeann

Racheli Thanks so very much for sharing this with us. I'm glad in a way that you "froze" long enough to make this documentary. And I agree it can help us all in ways great and small. Many times as I watched..your, your family's and Shai's friend's words were echoes of thoughts in my own head. To lose a brother at such a young age must have been very difficult. And to lose him so violently & suddenly made it very much challenging I'm sure. I am so glad you took that time before your marriage to seek help and walk your grief journey. Facing a loved ones death is a monumental & painful task. And you seem to have done very well. A few things, well more than a few things, in your film touched me. But I will mention just a few. Your Mom saying "There is less light." A beautiful way to put it. And it is undeniable. The lil girl on your Dad's lap talking about how Shai would want you all to move on and live your lives... Of course.. she's right. Wisdom from small lips. Yet all through out the film..I felt the push to move on forward and the pull back to remember. That push and pull... is also undeniable and makes this film's title so very apt. Pain doesn't have a tomorrow.. it just is. The light that went out with Shai's passing... I think it glows a bit.. still.. on the horizon.. and it always will. It also lives within each of you. And maybe... glows a bit brighter because of your film. Many blessing to you and your family and friends and of course to Shai. Thank you for sharing this with us. (I will probably be responsible for several hits on all 5 Chapters on YouTube.. because I am sure I can learn more from this wonderful film as I walk my journey here.) PS I never said.. how very sorry I am that you lost your brother. Please accept my sympathy. leeann

You will be able to let go of the past when you are ready to Wilma. And then you can start on what you want to do in the future. It helps me to remember that I may feel like I am going backwards.. but the fact is, I am indeed moving forward. leeann

Well those type of things happen sometimes to everyone. It is all how we choose to think about those things, isn't it? leeann

Mariah was thinking of you today and hoping the meeting went well for all of you. leeann

Not totally sure that is true Shelley. I still think on some level you needed to go back there and .. you bravely did. Was it "fun"?.. Probably not really. But what was the purpose of the trip? From what you have posted.. I don't think "fun" was your top priority. However, I think you have accomplished something good for you by going there. Negative thinking leads to more negative thinking and feelings. Positive thinking leads to more positive thinking and feelings. It our choice to think positively. I hope you can see the positives about your trip soon. Also.. I have had some years after a signifcant loss that have hit me harder than others. The amount of pain I felt at say year three afterwards sometimes was harder than year 2.. Or year 7 turned out to hurt differently than the previous three holidays. Just depends.. for me at least anyway. I have learned not to be surprised by the depth of my feelings "x" number of years after a loss. I try not to expect to be "over it" in any specific time frame because I think that is an unrealistic expectation for me to have for myself. My feelings are what they are... whatever year it is. And they are "ok". I have learned not to judge myself or set unrealistic expectations for myself. leeann

Yup the trip is over and it sounds like it could have been better. But it is in the past now and you should pat yourself on the back for facing some fears & going anyway. We probably all had some serious crying sessions over our Moms this weekend.. so you weren't alone. Check with someone about the taxes though so you can avoid a bill like this next year hopefully. Glad your brother will be able to take you in while the spraying is going on at your place. Every human has some challenges put in front of them over the span of their lives. Just because we are grieving doesn't mean we get exempted from those challenges. Life and problems go right on. They will still occur. It is how we think about them & life that matters. I've learned, somehow things/problems/challenges have a habit of working out whether I worry about them or not. So .. I choose not to worry about them and just do the best I can to manage/solve/meet them. That's all any of us can do...our best. And that's all I think we should expect of ourselves. leeann

Gamer I'm glad...you will still be checking in here. We all need help from time to time and I think it helps us to give help from time to time too. So.. I think you sticking around is a good thing. Glad you reconsidered. leeann

I'm glad your travel was safe. But it is too bad you weren't able to enjoy the trip. What happened Shelley? leeann

Deb sorry to hear about your Grandmother not doing too well. I have learned that I am stronger than I think. And that I can survive things I would never have thought possible. leeann

((((Deb)))) I usually get those "signs" precisely when I'm not looking for them. My beliefs are a bit different than yours. I believe they are in a heaven of sorts.. whatever you want to call it.. I believe it is better than here. Hard day for sure... but better ones are coming. leeann

((((((Kathy))))))

This is a very raw feeling. Like all of my nerves are exposed. I know it will pass. But I need to acknowledge that it hurts. I'll get through it though. Please know I'll be thinking of you all very much tomorrow. leeann

Ok.. Maybe my timing was less than great... but today I got done with going through ALL of the paperwork. The things I needed to save are packed neatly away. There are no more boxes in the spare room! Yup I cried some and I will cry some more. But... I did it! I have some paint samples to look at so we can re-do that room as a hang out zone for the kids when they have a friend over. I can't wait to start that now. So I consider my efforts as my Mother's Day gift to them and... myself. leeann

Those links Marty gave you there are great ones. Be assured you are no where near alone in your thoughts or feelings. It is very hard in the beginning... very painful. But I found it does indeed ease over time. You will, in time, be able to see that what you did for Chewy was a blessing. Just go easy with yourself and I must say I am so very grateful that you were able to have Chewy as your beloved pet. She must have been a special one, no doubt. (((don))) leeann

No Kathy I wouldn't dismiss this. I do think it is a profound enlightenment. It is to me and I know it will help me.. so I thank you very much for sharing this. When I first read it .. all I could think of was "Yeah! Exactly!". Even though are losses are different.. I think that I am doing the same as you are. Thanks so much. leeann

Shauna I can definitely identify with the feeling of not wanting a whole lot of human contact. Sometimes I just need to hibernate here & there and just chill by myself. Your plan for the Thank You gifts sounds great. I think you have made a good choice there and one that will work well for you. As far as this weekend goes.. if you have prescribed medication ... and if you need it... there is no shame or weakness in taking it. The walk sounds like a good idea and so does the cleaning.. believe it or not.. I find that cleaning can distract me very well. So make it about treating you to some peace this weekend maybe. You surely have earned that! You know I'll be thinking of you and everyone here this weekend. leeann

Mariah, Sounds like you have a good plan for dealing with this. Yes.. most definitely see if a final decision can be done after the meeting and not during the meeting, once you two have had a chance to discuss their ideas. Sometimes space availability may preclude that, but ask them for at least 24 hours. That they should be able to accomodate. Yeah my body is sabotaging me this week too on top of the emotional fallout from Mother's Day. All I can think is... better days are coming for us, right? I'll be holding you and all of the people here close in my heart & thoughts on Sunday. It does help me to know that I won't be struggling through on my own. Hope you and your bro have a good conversations this weekend and that your Mom can somehow enjoy Mother's Day a bit too. leeann

Yup you are right it is an important decision. If the MH worker is recommending that your Mom be placed at a supervised location... that worker has an awfully good reason for suggesting this. (I have a family member who is a MH professional.) Spots in these places are hard to come by here where I live. And keeping folks/clients in their own homes is usually a top priority of course as many clients do much better in their own homes. However... if the client is in serious need of placement in their professional opinion... MH workers will move heaven and earth to find a slot. Suggestions for out of home placements aren't done lightly. So the fact that they are recommending this to you and your brother is something noteworthy and something I would take into serious consideration. Just a thought.. but communication is key with these kind of important familial decisions.. so why not have a chat with your brother about all of this before the meeting. If your Mom ultimately ends up in this supervised living arrangement.. yes.. everything will have changed for you in a short time. Not only have you lost your Dad but now your Mother will no longer be in the house as well. That's a lot of change and I don't doubt that you feel daunted by this... I think anyone would. But try to think about what is best for Mom right now and what limitations you and your brother may have regarding taking care of her. Be brutally honest. The changes that may occur in your life if she is placed are large for you. However.. Changes we can always adjust to in time. Think about how you would feel if something happened with Mom in the house when you couldn't be there to supervise. And having to be available as a care taker 24/7 is a huge burden for anyone. So weigh all of this out and keep the lines of communication open between you and your brother. I'm sure you will arrive at the best decision for all of you. leeann PS thanks for asking.. but well.. I'll tell ya.. I've had better weeks.

Mariah, Maybe she would like to attend just as a support to your brother? I don't know. Did you ask him why she wants to attend? Expressing the worries/concerns you have about her attending the meeting to your brother might help. leeann

Sounds like have made a good plan for yourself Roseanne. Yup the TV commercials..some of them are so over the top though and rarely resemble the Mother's Days I was bless to have with my Mom that they seem almost ridiculous. I just try to shut all of the commercialism out and distract myself away from the displays in the store, the TV/newspaper ads etc. I am hoping that you can find some peace being with your friend and that your visit to the cemetery is peaceful and healing as well. Hopefully your brother's can join you.. but if they aren't up to that.. that's ok. Not everyone is comfortable going to the cemetery. I know I can't always go myself. Some days that is easier than others. I'm sure your arrangement will honor your Mom beautifully, especially so since you have crafted it yourself. leeann

Gamer Wish you all the very best as you continue on your journey. Don't feel you have to be a stranger though.. you could always pop back in if you want or the need arises. But I know what you are saying and that you feel you want to move on. And I couldn't be happier for you. Thank you for your support too. leeann

Shauna.. just talk to her and let her know you appreciate her support but are not up to shopping or much celebrating of Mother's Day this year. I bet she will understand. And go ahead.... break down and cry.. it will probably make you feel better in the long run. Don't judge those tears.. just let the tears come and go as you feel them. I find not thinking too much about how I grieve to be helpful. When the feelings come.. I feel them, express them and then keep going til I feel them again. ((((Hugs)))) leeann

Shelley I don't know what kind of spraying takes two weeks.. but... perhaps you can bunk in with your sis and split expenses?? The income tax.. yup it happens. We got a bill this year from the IRS for my FIL's last income tax return from 2004. (Hub was executor. He had filed the return and we did have an attorney helping us probate the estate.. but somehow we all must have missed something. He closed out everything by 12/31/04 & settled everything with his siblings by then as well. Seems the IRS takes a bit of time to get to these huh? We just paid the bill on our own.. what can ya do?) Perhaps talk to your employer or an accountant and make sure enough is being taken out of your paychecks. This way maybe you can avoid a bill next year. Maybe you will get lucky in Vegas?? Ya never know. Think positive. leeann

And Peace to you too Joe. You are an awesome Dad. leeann

Oh No Don.. you didn't fail her at all. You did the tough thing, but that was a gift to her. You freed her from pain. And now.. she runs with the Angels. Don we had a dog go that long too. It was very hard to put her down... but.. the poor thing was suffering as I'm sure your lil one was too. Really? There was no choice. If we had done any extraordinary means to extend her life... I doubt she would have been completely pain-free, or would have enjoyed any quality time in her life. And ultimately? We would only have been selfishly putting off the inevitable just to save ourselves from the grief. And at what cost??, more sufferring for her? Couldn't do that. It is so hard when we lose our beloved companions. But we really are doing them the ultimate favor. It has only been two weeks for you. That is still a very recent loss for one who is literally family to us. It is my belief that when we pass.. our beautiful pets are there to greet us. You know.. years after we had to put that 16 yr old down.. I sensed her around me. I'm talking maybe 5 years after she passed. I was sitting at the kitchen table doing paperwork and all of a sudden I had the feeling she was with me. I know that sounds nuts.. but.. I just kinda "felt" her presence somewhere near. And almost immediately after I had that feeling... my phone rang. I got up to answer it and literally stepped over her on my way. I automatically stepped over a dog that wasn't "there". But I swear.. somehow.. she must have been. For me? Pets, especially dogs, cats and some horses even show us unconditional love. They are like our own personal unconditional love teachers. And we love them right back. So.. in my mind.. it stands to reason.. if I feel my passed human loved ones' love still.. I would probably still feel the love from a passed pet. Love truly doesn't die.. not even for our wonderful pets. I'm so sorry you had to put her down.. but Don I really think.. you did the best, most loving, selfless and toughest thing for her and despite the circumstances, it was a blessing to her. In time I was able to remember this dog when she was young and healthy and silly. Those memories returned... after awhile. She, like your pet, was with us a long time. So it took some time to adjust to life without her physically here with us. But today I have very fond memories and once in awhile, I still sense her around me, usually, exactly when I could use some unconditional loving. Be patient with yourself Don and try to remember.. our pets are really like family, so your grief for this wonderful pet will be very much similiar to that after losing a family member. leeann