leeann

Joe, So sorry about the loss of your beloved. I think it will great for all of you to be together. It probably will be tough for all of you at times.. but my sincere hope for you all is that the tough moments are made a bit easier by being together. I wish you a blessed Birthday celebration with your kids. And I bet your beloved will indeed be celebrating with you and watching over all of you. Safe trip Joe! leeann

Thanks for sharing that Shauna. Deb.. I've had many as well. Though I find they are little signs and ya have to be paying attention to see them. For instance.. Just one example.. The first time I had to enter my Mom's house by myself, just two days after burying her I was feeling pretty bad. I had found her dead on the floor in that house and was having flashbacks big time. The night I found her there was blood etc that I had to later clean up. So here I am about to enter the house for the first time alone. Of course my Mom was on my mind. As I stuck my key in the door.. my cell phone rang. I looked at it and it was my sister. She had returned home, several states away, after the funeral the evening before. And here she was on my phone checking on me! So technically I didn't enter the house on my own. Sis was with me on the phone as I turned the key and went in. I think my Mom may have put a bug in my sis's ear to give me a call right then! And if that wasn't enough... Mom must have wanted to make doubly sure I knew she also was with me. Because after I went in and chatted with sis for a few minutes.. I hung up the phone and went to put my coat on the bed in her bedroom. That's where everyone always put their coats when visiting, on Mom's bed. And of course we had had many relatives and friends in that house the few days before because of the wake and funeral. But as I was about to lay my coat down, I glanced at her pillow and right in front of it was a Celtic Cross that had somehow fallen off my key ring over the course of the last few days. I hadn't even noticed it was missing off my key ring! But I had my keyes in pocket, pulled them out and yeah.. it wasn't there. It was right by Mom's pillow... kinda where she knew I would see it. Also.. Mom was with me when I bought that key ring a year before. Those are the types of signs I seem to get. They are small signs and usually there isn't any other explanation for the timing of certain things happening other than.. those that have passed having something to do with it. I have learned.. there truly are no coincidences. So keep your heart and mind open Deb and maybe you will see that you may have already had a sign or you will soon enough. leeann

Marty thanks so much for re-posting that. I never knew about this carnation tradition. I'm going to share this with my family. Shauna, yes.. I'm hoping the pansies become a tradition of sorts here for us. I went out front yesterday to trim back some bushes so I could showcase them a bit. I went around to the side yard to se what else needed trimming while hub was mowing the lawn. And there peeking from behind our recycle bin was a flat of pansies. Didn't waste much time did he? lol I'm glad I let the sadness sweep over me and I am glad I talked to my hub about how I was feeling. I think this in the end will make a very bitter, but sweet day too, a bit easier. Welcome mfm Glad you found us but sorry you had to. So sorry to hear you have lost your Mom too. I'm just a very few years behind you age-wise and I feel the same sometimes. I don't think age matters with this.... our Moms were.. our Moms. Very special people with whom one has a very special connection & love. I was feeling heartbroken and so very sad too. It did help to express it some and talk about it. If you have a spouse or kids or siblings.. try talking to them about how you feel. They may be able to help you come up with some special way to remember Mom. Just talking to my hub took some of the "dread" out of it for me. Also, the fact that you are having a real hard time seems kinda normal to me. It hasn't been all that long. I have found sharing & reading here has helped me very much. leeann

My Mom passed 15 months ago. I don't have much good recall of many of the details over that time. I remember the big stuff.. but that's about it. Smaller stuff?? Forget it. I was too busy trying to survive one day at a time and I have to rely on others's recall for lots of things. To be honest.. not much I want to recall though. Pretty dark days and a tough time... one of my life's toughest times. leeann

Um... I don't know... cuz I'm still right there being dizzy with ya. lol I keep trying to blame my "age" but.. ya know.. I don't think that is it really. (I'm still on the right side of 50) It's probably just grief. Look Wilma, I can say thank you too... because every time you share something.. I'm getting affirmed too! So, thank YOU too! You know it's bad when you are back at the store three days in a row to get things you had somehow miraculously remembered to write on a list the first day.. but yet somehow left the store twice without buying. Oh boy... (Yes... this happened.. this week!) I know exactly what you mean by having no equilibrium. Yup.. tis gone. Will it return??... probably.. at some point. Or maybe, I will get used to not having any.. either one. lol There is no center to me it seems. Like Mom took it with her. I'm hoping she returns it soon. lol If not I'm doomed - *to write lists for like... ever; *to check & re-check things a ridiculous amount of times (ie: patting my pocket frequently to make sure I have the car keys in there); *to go up & down the stairs several times before remembering what I was going up or down for; *to keep telling myself where I am going while I am driving; *to treating my pocket calendar like it was my engagement ring; (I do get some points for not forgetting to pick up either of my kids though... haven't done that.. yet it wouldn't surprise me if I did.) So I have no idea when that balance returns... or if it returns. I had this for awhile after my other significant deaths, like my Dad's. But it seemed like it passed a whole lot quicker those times than this time. Everything seems so much different with Mom's passing. She actually passed away in Jan. 07. But I had delayed my grief to handle the estate business; like prepping, listing and selling the house. Also my husband had very serious surgery June 07. He was recovering all summer & had additional surgery from complications from the 1st surgery in Sept. 07. Then he had a completely different health scare in December around the holidays. He's ok Thank God. So after all of that.. I don't think I really started grieving Mom proper til February this year. So yeah I feel like I'm totally out of sync with everything & everyone around me.. unless they have gone through this.. like all of the people here. So right now.. I'm trying to not judge myself & laugh at my dizziness instead. And try not to take life so seriously. I mean, I have enough sad feelings.. it would be better to laugh at this stuff than get angry or inpatient with myself I think. I have tried to stay involved in my kid's activities and keep up with them as much as possible. But I remember last Fall another parent asked me to do something... and I must have responded with my now famous confused.. "Um.. Huh??" faces and the woman just turned to my daughter and said, "You understand right? So help her." And then I just laughed and counted on my daughter to help me "get it". And she did. LOL Yes.. it most definitely feels like I have been on another planet in another galaxy sometimes. Well.. often times. But I guess this is just part of it. So Wilma.. let's stumble through together and smile when we can. leeann

Thanks Ladies Last year we all kind of tried to distract ourselves. No one was up for it.. not the kids, nor my hub or me. (This is hard for my hub too... He considered my Mom more of a Mom to him than his own.) This year.. I kinda of thought we ought to try to acknowledge the day somehow. Mostly for our kids' benefit, ya know? (Plus the kids keep asking me for gift ideas... so I figured they wanted to celebrate it this year.) So we will have to make up something of a celebration of this holiday this year. Sure if it was just hub & I, my tendency this year would be to ignore it too.. but I can't ignore the fact the I'm a Mom too. Wouldn't be right for the kids. Unfortunately there isn't anyone who I can honor that day in lieu of my Mom. I do not have anyone else in my life that is kind of maternal with me. They have all passed on now. I talked to hub about how I was feeling already. And he admitted he was feeling it too. But ya know... I'm thinking.. I'm gonna let him and the kids decide what to do that day. I'm going to stay out of it and let them take the lead on this. And whatever they come up with.. I'm sure I'll be fine and probably feel good about the day in the end. But I must admit I miss shopping for my Mom. I'm not big on shopping for myself.... but I like shopping for others and I especially liked treating my Mom. Picking out something she would never have splurged on for herself.. I really liked doing that for her. And I just miss that. Miss loving her that way, ya know? My sis kind of did her own thing already.. she planted a bunch of pansies in her yard. They were Mom's favorite. I might get a bunch and plant them here too. Ya know.. just had a thought... I finally thought of a gift idea! I can ask the kids to get me some pansies... right? That's 'killing two birds with one stone'... My Mom used that expression all the time. Hopefully that will be enough of a gift idea for them (I so stink at giving them gift ideas... always have.) But part of that gift may be them helping me get them into the ground... I don't think I wanna do that by myself. But the rest of that day?? I'm just gonna let them take care of it. I'll do my crying now so I won't be a blubbery mess that day. leeann

I'm already feelin it and...feelin it bad. I just ignored it last year and asked my kids & hub to skip it for me too. And I got through the day. Now?? Just hurts already. I know it isn't for a bit yet but.. my heart doesn't seem to care. I'm a snotty mess. Anyone want to join me??? leeann

You'll get there Mariah.. just keep working at it. And one day you will be ready to move forward.. really.. you will. In the meantime.. go easy on yourself. (((((Mariah))))) leeann

I dunno.. maybe because you are putting it there?? Something to think about, maybe?? No one else is putting there. It simply isn't true that you are to blame or are responsible. And others, with clear knowledge of the situation, have told you as much. Why not believe them? I find if I keep looking back... I can't get to moving forward. ((((Mariah)))) leeann

Oh Cristina ((((hugs)))) for you hon. I'm so sorry for the loss of both of your parents, so close together and you so young still. This must be so very difficult. I don't think anyone imagines that something like this could happen to them. Yes it will indeed get better, your life will definitely go on. But grief takes time and attention and believe it or not.. work. And you will be very sad for a bit. I know it seems like it has already been awhile.. but.. it really hasn't been all that long. I have found that over time, eventually had a decent day and then maybe a a string of bad ones. But after a while... there are more better days than worst days. It is just a slow process and I must remember to be patient with myself and not judge my grief or compare it to others' grief. I have to be bold and fearless and let it wash over me... let the tears fall when I need to because I found the harder I fight against them.. the worse I feel. Yes it must be quite appalling to you that they will not physically be with you at future milestones in your life. But I believe that my folks are still with me and always will be. But I too miss the tangibles... the chats, the hugs etc. I will always miss those. But I know their love survives and that I am really never truly alone. I have found though when I needed advice or help that I normally would have gone to my parents for... somehow.. someone appears to help me out just when I need it the most. And I pray that you find that as well. Cristina do you have any siblings or Aunts or Uncles around or perhaps even friends of your parents? Going to them for some help might be something to consider. I know.. it isn't the same as Mom or Dad being there... but it would be someone who knew them and knows you pretty well. They could be a comfort to you. Please feel free to share here or vent or whatever. This is a kind and caring place and I have felt very comforted here. You are waaay not alone here! leeann

Marny, Welcome.. Glad you found us. I'm so sorry about the loss of your Mom. Sounds like you had been helping your Dad take care of her for quite awhile. And I know what you mean when you say "I never thought it would happen." With one of my significant losses, I knew he was eventually going to pass away.. but I was so wrapped up in helping him.. I was just living day by day ... minute by minute. And when he eventually passed I was almost stunned. I know that sounds nuts but.. that's what I felt. The demands of caring for one so ill can be extraordinary and I think we forget that. So when the time comes... we are almost sitting there thinking "What? I'm not ready! Not yet!" As far as wishing you had told her what she really meant to you.. Ya know, it helps me to talk to my loved ones that have passed. And I believe they hear me. Their bodies may die but I believe Love never does. So it might help you if you talk to her now or write her a letter.. etc. What to do with your time... I bet you haven't had much time for yourself in a long time. How about pampering you a bit with your spare time. I try to take more time for myself now. I'm trying to heal from my loss and I need to just take short breaks for a walk.. listen to some music.. watch a movie.. read a book etc. Nothing fancy.. but it is almost like my soul is kinda tired.. so I look for ways to re-juice it. If you have been neglectful of yourself due to the demands of caring for Mom (and Dad)... you may be out of practice of doing something just for you. But you might find that focusing a bit on doing some things to soothe your soul helps you. The big hole in the heart.. yup I hear ya on that one. Here's my theory on those: I was loved really well and I loved really well in return. Then one day one they passed and took some of my heart with them, leaving me with a hole in my heart. In time.. that hole forms a scab... and from time to time that scab breaks open here & there and bleeds some more. And... it hurts. But in some more time... that scab heals up and begins to shrink. Eventually I'm left with a scar on my heart. But I got that scar from loving and being loved and I earned every inch of it. And in the end... I'm blessed to have it. So I carry it feeling blessed and knowing that it means something sad yes, but it also means I was given the gift of that person in my life. And I'm grateful. So the hole heals... but leaves a scar. Please know these are early days for you yet. It hasn't been that long. So please be patient with yourself. I have learned grief takes some serious time and.. that's ok. Do come on back here and keep us posted on how you are faring. I have found the folks here to be really caring and very helpful. leeann

You are a good Mom Sam. Your Mom must have been an awesome example for you. ((((Hugs)))) leeann

Mariah, Feelings of helplessness.... yup. Not real comfortable. I had those more when I first found out my Dad had cancer. But I knew.. for him?? this was the end. He had so many other health issues cooking on different burners simultaneously.. that the cancer was gonna put the whole stove out. And I also sensed .. correctly.. he was ready to go. I may not have been ready for him to go.. but.. again.. it wasn't about me then. So.. I had to let the helplessness go. Focus on what I could do to help make his time remaining here as good as it could be. For my other significant death that was from cancer.. He was younger and not ready to go yet. This was tougher in a way because of that. This guy was like a second Dad for me. Yet the helplessness was again brief for me because I just got focused on trying to fill whatever needs he had as best I could. I got busy helping him weather the storm of illness & treatment and then, when the time came.. I helped him let go and die. Figured, yeah it was a tough thing for me to do.. very tough. But.. ya know.. he had loved me so well.. I wanted to do it. I figured I would have plenty of time after they were gone to focus on my grief. But in the moments of their dying.. I was so focused on them. I stole moments away from them to cry. I screamed in the car on the way home from seeing them "NOOOOOOOOOO! I'm not ready yet!!" And I guess it helped to get that out of me so I could again re-focus on them.. til their time came. I have learned that, sometimes, the "Why's?" have no real answer. And it isn't productive for me to rehash any treatment choices or decisions. That is in the past.. can't do anything about it. All I can do is express emotions from the past that I had to put off expressing until after they passed. But that's it. The past is gone and is what it is. Yup, anger is part of it... expressing your anger healthfully is a good thing. I usually end up expressing it via tears... this way I am less likely to take it out on my poor hub or kids. Course taking a sledge hammer to something that needs sledge hammering.. is good too. Or I express it by doing "extreme" vacuuming... or "power" lawn mowing... or "super" scrubbing of anything needing scrubbing. Funny though.. I didn't seem to get angry "at" anyone. I was just mad.. period. I didn't put it on anyone or myself.... just felt mad... and expressed it. Knew this was just part of grief. Well.. I hope, in time, that it is only the memory of those feelings that you will recall. To me.. at this point.. nope.. not strange anymore. I have come to a different perspective of life. I get challenges thrown in front of me on my life's journey, for a reason. Life is full of loads of challenges that we don't ever imagine happening to us like illness, deaths, accidents, injuries, divorces, job changes... etc but they do indeed happen to us. That's just life. (And I am not special... everyone gets challenges thrown in front of them.) However.. I have learned when those challenges come along.. to keep my eyes, mind and heart sharp... for I am about to learn something I must need to learn. Mariah I know you miss Dad alot. The missing of my loved ones will always be.. but the intensity has dropped off a bit over time. Will I cry about missing them for the rest of my life from time to time... yeah.... probably.. and... so what? That's ok.. it is ok to have those feelings IMO. Missing and crying about it doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong with me.. Just means I was loved well. Yeah in the beginning it feels that way for sure. But I bet you find this will pass too. Because, you know, of course, that other things in your life do matter. Just right now, they pale in comparison to this loss. But I found that my perspective balanced that back out again in time. I bet you will find that too. I hope all goes well with your meeting about Mom next week. But I might caution you to be careful about how much you are up for right now as far as her care is concerned. Be honest with yourself about how much you can healthfully do for her at the moment. Hear ALL the options and ask any questions you may have while considering your options. Use that MH worker as a resource for you all three of you. As the decisions made effect all three of you. The MH worker can help you greatly with your options and choices. Don't be afraid to say.. "Can we think about it all and get back to you?" And then take your time in discussions with your brother before you make any decisions. Keep us posted. ((((hugs)))) leeann

Sure I would think it is Joy. In the early days I found I was almost numb and then kind of in shock and simultaneously extremely busy with loads of details and estate stuff to take care of. Sadness was there of course... but the intensity of it seemed to wax and wane... kind of erractically depending on what else was going on etc. It took my breath away sometimes... and I was shocked by the intensity. But it kept on happening.. feel not so terrible for a while and then feel absolutely awful.. like in cycles almost; but seemingly without rhyme or reason. Eventually I saw.. this is just how it goes. I found that I should learn to just expect 'hills and valleys'. It's painful and I found that pain can increase and subltly decrease and then increase again and so forth. So you might find that you may feel this way for a bit and then feel a bit better and then a couple of bad days may come along again and then a couple good ones. I wouldn't worry about it. I find I shouldn't worry about "how" I grieve.. I feel better without trying to judge my grief or compare it to others' grief. Hope you are feeling a bit better soon. leeann

Oh boy Wilma... me too. I hate to say it.. but with each significant death I have gotten slower and slower.. lol But.. I've learned a whole lot too. And maybe one thing I had to learn was to slow way down. The hardest for me was to just accept me as I was, in whatever state I was in. The expectations I set for myself in life were way higher than anyone else could have set for me. I was tougher on me than I would ever be to anyone else. And not surprising.. I also learned how to be a bit more humble. (((((((Wilma))))))) Take your time... all the time you need. leeann

Mariah, You will make it. Just keep employing the things Marty listed there and seeing your counselor. You will be able to let this go in time. leeann

Is it wrong that you aren't ready yet to write that lettter??? Oh no Wilma.. NOT at all. You just take your time. I just thought it was a great idea for when you are ready. And if you are not ever ready.. that's ok too. Ya know I talk to my Mom and I find that is easier for me than taking up paper and pen. You might try that as well if it's easier for you. BUT only when you are ready. You are the expert on your grief. The "was I good enough?" thoughts.. yup done those too. And then... I thought about what my Mom would have said in answer to that question when she was here and not feeling ill. And.. I think she would have said "Of course!" and thought me silly for even asking! Think about what your Mom would have said to answer that when she was feeling good.... ((((Wilma)))) hugs for you. leeann

Welcome Shauna.. Glad you found us. I'm so sorry for the loss of your parents. It must be tough to be without them at such a young age. However, I'm very happy that you have what sounds like a great Godfather to be around to support you. I also found/find attending church very difficult as well. Right now it is too difficult and I do my worhsip outside the "building" kinda anywhere. I was becoming so emotional during services that it became all about that instead of feeding my faith & worhsip. So I practice differently now and look for other ways to feed myself spiritually. Glad you will be able to wrap the estate business soon. For me, it helped to be finished with all of that. Hope the same for you. leeann

I find replacing those negative thoughts with a positive one each time they crop up and as soon as possible helps me tremendously. Doing this ahead of time.. like planning for those negative thoughts when I'm not feeling overly emotional makes it easier for me to just 'grab' a positive response when I need it. WE are in control of our thoughts. We have the power to change them. Not vice versa. Negative thoughts have exactly the power WE give them. If we choose not to give them any.. then they don't have any power. That is within our control. I also have found that sometimes it helps me to separate the facts from the emotions. What are the facts? What is true? Being brutally honest with myself by looking at just the facts helps put things into perspective. But the bottom line to me during their illnesses, dying & deaths was... "I'm not in control." Something bigger than me is in control. I don't possess "power" to change anything or anyone but myself. Treatment decisions for my loved ones were theirs to make.. not mine. My "job" was to just love them and help them any way I could. But I had no real control over treatment and for sure, no control over their respective diseases. When I was honest with myself, I had trouble even asking myself what I would have done differently because.. simply put, I wasn't the person that should have been making decisions for them. Those decisions were theirs and their Doc's. Not mine. Their illnesses and deaths were all about them.. not me. I'll have my turn someday.. but I really felt their illnesses, dying, and their eventual deaths were ALL about them. All I had to do really?? was love them and support them as best I could. And when I asked myself if I had honestly done that... I could say "Yes I did"... I did the very best I could. It wasn't about me.. it was all about loving them through it all. leeann

Mariah I just chalk it up to part of the grieving process at this point. Just another thing that happens when we lose someone. Literally part of grief itself. I find the less I worry or about grief itself.. and the less I judge my feelings... the better I do. I found judging myself and my feelings to actually stunt my progression through this process. It's almost a distraction away from forward progression for me. So I think less and try to feel more, even though initially that is more painful than judging myself. But I found I can fairly easily distract myself away from moving forward when I get hung up on "How I am doing" grief instead of just feeling it and expressing it. So I have to be pretty diligent about what thoughts are going through my head. If I hear those negative type thoughts of "What if's" I try to replace them with the positive self talk of "I did the best I could and they love me and will always." That allows me to move forward. leeann

Matthew, Oh the missing.. yup. Me too. Just wanna pick up the phone or hop in the car to see her and... well.. on some level.. I just don't think the missing ever "goes away". I think the intensity of the feelings may lessen over time. But plain old missing them... yeah, I think that will always be. So I can relate and commiserate. I am definitely now beginning to think this feeling of guilt is somehow "normal" for all us. In the very beginning, I too questioned what I could have done. What if I had called her earlier? What if I had pushed her more to replace that 11 yr old aortic tissue valve replacement?? (Even though she had said "No" to her Docs and us several times in the past and she also had a no code "DNR" order in place. I like you respected her choice and told her so.. it was a choice only she could make and we would support her in it.) And I STILL had these "What if" questions after the EMT's had told me the night we found her, that she was gone before she hit the floor and had I been standing right there when she fell, there wouldn't have been anything I could have done. It was tough knowing that she had been laying there dead for two days by the time I found her. She passed about an hour and a half after I had last spoken to her. It was so sudden... But I didn't stay in that place of guilt for very long. I had to let that go because I could see, even in those dark and exhausting days, that I could easily drive myself crazy and to illness if I kept thinking that way. I saw that it wasn't productive for me to "What if" and it surely didn't make me feel any better. Then too there was my Mom's voice ringing in my head to NOT feel guilty and to "Stop that". lol That 'Mom voice/tone'.. you know... I bet you can still hear your Mom's yourself. However.. upon thinking about this whole "guilt" thing I am now wondering if it isn't just part of us trying to literally "accept" that they aren't here anymore. It seems to be so common for most of us. Maybe these feelings are just us trying to get our heads around the fact that in body... the people we loved are just not in our lives here anymore. We kinda want to "put them back" in their bodies and lives and into our lives. We logically know this isn't possible but maybe the guilt thing is our attempt to take control back even though we all know on some level.. that it isn't possible. So maybe we all need to go through this to really see & accept that their lives here are over. But in any event people sharing here that they have these feelings & the seeming commonality of this thinking in a way helps me let go for good any of this guilt. I want to chalk it up to just part of the whole process of grieving and healing. Hope you feel a bit better soon. leeann

Wilma that letter writing sounds like a real good idea! Try it.. it may indeed be just what you need and make you feel much better and make the "what if's" scram. I talk to my past loved ones frequently. Even ones that have been gone quite some time now. Ya know.. even through everything... I find it's true that Love itself.. never really dies. And I can feel that love pass between and among us still. Keep us posted. leeann

Brenda so very sorry for the loss of your Mom. I'm glad you were able to be there for her right to the end. Matthew gave you some great ideas there. I found what he said to be true as well. We all grieve differently and sometimes we may need to seek help with our grief from people other than our family members. I'm sure many people's families aren't necessarily confortable with how they are expressing their grief. So seeking support elsewhere is always a great alternative. And yes here IS a great place to express our feelings. So do feel free to come on back and let us know how you are faring or to share your feelings. I also found that by simply reading many of the posts on here I have learned quite a bit. So poke around a bit and read any posts that appeal to you. leeann

Annie so glad it went so well for you both. I'm glad you went too. I understood your therapist's concern, yet it seemed that you were in a good frame of mind about seeing him. And to have that confirmation & affrimation right there on the radio! Well that takes the cake! Good for you! leeann

Wilma I'm not sure that is possible Wilma... maybe it was just her time. Keep saying to yourself that you did the best you could and that everything you did for her was motivated by your love for her. Those fears you are feeling will go. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to be feeling so badly about this now. As I have said before.. none of this would hurt so bad if we weren't loved very well and loved them well in return. That disconnect between logic & emotions will wane over time. Don't worry about it. Just tell yourself it is all part of grief. No equilibrium.. oh yeah... I can sure identify with that. That too does come back in time though. It IS very early days yet for you Wilma. I know you are miserable hon and I hate to say it.. but that's kinda normal for right now. Please know.. we do so understand and know how bad this hurts. So normal for now IS painful. But continue to share and express things here in this warm and caring environment. We do "get it". Any caring of others seems so overwhelming at times especially so in the beginning. So I asked for help...and I still do. I learned to say "No, I'm sorry I can't do that right now; I'm just not feeling up to that." I had to slow down on the helping of others and give myself more time. So maybe your sisters and brothers may be able to help you out a bit more now or at least ask a bit less of you. But do not be afraid to state your limitations, because grief causes loads of limitations. We literally have to learn to live life without our loved one. And that is a tall order. So be stingy with yourself and your time a bit. It helps I find to go easy.... very easy with my time and energy. I am very careful how I spend those right now.. because I need to be. I'm grieving and healing. I put others first for a real long time because of other things that happened right after we found my Mom dead and now... I gotta get myself a priority or I will indeed be no good to anyone at all. It's all a balance and that balance can change everyday... It's kinda like trying to keep your balance while walking on golf balls. So I try to keep an open mind, be patient with myself (which helps me be more patient with others), take my time during the day, (ie: walk through the day instead of running),listen to my heart and find some healthy ways to express my feelings. Each day is different it seems. Some easier than others. So I just try to accept that is all just part of it. Things will indeed get better Wilma... but try to be patient with yourself. Grief takes some serious time and attention. Keep us posted on how you are doing. leeann