leeann

I have learned grief isn't a one way journey. It goes forward, backward.. sideways... ALL ways. Trying to predict how a day will be??? Honestly?? I don't bother. I just think..today will be whatever it is, along my journey. Just one day.. today. Triggers for tears??? I don't know... those are really hard for me to predict. After crying over the meat counter in a food store... I gave up trying to figure out when I might feel tears come and just made sure I had sunglasses with me at all times. I mean obviously leading up to an anniversary, birthday or a holiday.. yeah I know I could be feeling it. But other than that?? No, I have no idea. A trigger could be a glimpse of a bird.. or a sunset ... or the look in one of my kid's eyes. I have no idea and I don't bother to think or worry about it anymore. Hmm you got me thinking here... the term "bad day": Just because I'm feeling sad or grieving doesn't necessarily mean that's a "bad" day. It just the day I'm having. Maybe I shouldn't think of my journey as filled with "bad" or "good" days. Maybe I should use the term 'easier' and 'tougher' days instead of 'bad' & 'good'. They are just the days I have been given to do the best I can with and to learn what I can during it.. AND some are easier than others. I do not want to judge a teary day as "bad"...that would make it much too easy for me to slide into judging my grief I think. Can I control tears when they well up?? Well sometimes I can hold them off til I'm by myself... other times.. no. Depends on the situation. If I'm by myself.. I don't care.. I let them rip. If I'm with others...and they well up... depends on who the other's are sometimes. If I feel safe around them.. sure.. the tears may fall. If I don't feel too safe around them.. my tendency is to concentrate on the other person or something else til I can get some privacy to let the tears roll. And yes I have on more than one occasion said "I'll be right back" and I hit the restroom to just like "breathe" or let a few tears go or get a positive thought going on in my head. (And yes somedays I'm in the restroom alot. lol) Simple things like getting enough sleep and rest, eating properly and getting some exercise can help us. But beyond that stuff... I don't know. All I can say is grief is one wild ride.. so I try to just hang on and realize that this, maybe, is one of those times in life when flexibility really is the key to success. And I also have to remind myself of that old adage... "Man plans.. and God Laughs".. somedays?? I'm just a snotty mess and others.. I'm not. It is just the way it is. And all I gotta do is make sure my hiking boots are on right and I have all my gear for this journey.. ya know? leeann

((((Wendy)))) I'm not sure it is even possible for you to erase the memories of Steve.. no matter what you do or don't do. Forgive me, but the first part of that sentence sounds a bit self judgemental Wendy. I think you don't deserve that judgement. You have been very busy letting go... very busy letting go of him not being here. His "things" around you may indeed be helping you let go. When you no longer need or want some of those things.... you will deal with them and but not a minute before you are ready. Try hard not to compare yourself with others' processes of grief or what "society" may say is an 'appropriate time' to go through their things. The love you two shared is, in fact, totally unique. So therefore your grief will be as well. There is no use or value in rushing this.. so please take your time. Your time. The second half of that sentence... Ya really think so??? I seriously doubt that you are refusing to accept that he isn't here anymore. And I doubt it because.. you are hurting. You wouldn't be hurting this badly if you were refusing to accept his loss. You are accepting it.. the pain and weight in your heart testifies to this. So Wendy.. please.. don't judge you. You wouldn't judge us or our journeys... so treat you like you treat us. XO leeann

Mariah so glad you got to vent it out with your long term client. And yes you both probably helped each other out! So I guess it was good to get some of that out. When I let the tears come.. I find.. everytime.. I feel better. Fighting them makes it so much harder for me. Just hard to do that in public though, I know. Yeah sync.. no way getting around it is there? In our faces today isn't it? All the hardware store ads... man. Dad liked to go to the hardware store... like most every Saturday for awhile there when I was young. He mostly just looked and I think now looking back... he was trying to learn things too probably. My sis was bored to tears with these trips so once she got old enough.. she stayed home. (My Mom worked on Saturdays) But me?? Nope.. in for an inch in for a mile.. I went with him every week. (And I learned some things too. lol My hub thinks I am the better spackler.... However SOMEthing must have rubbed off on sis because now she is an awesome gardener! lol) But today, whenever I even sniff fertilizer.. I think of Dad. (Not real pleasant an odor to remember someone by.. but real nonetheless for me.) So all of the ads of the hardware stores do to get to me after a while because of that. One of the best ways I know of to honor my Dad is to try to be the best parent I can. And to try to laugh at troubles like he used to would honor him as well. And to always see the glass as half full... that would honor him too. So all I can do is keep trying. leeann

Wendy just wanted to pop in here and give you a (((((Hug))))). I agree with what the other's have said. And when you are ready you will deal with the "stuff". Some of it may end up staying and some may not.. but you are in charge and you alone. It is in your own time and in your own way. This is your grief. So go with your gut feelings.. can't go wrong there. XO leeann

(((((((((((Rosanne))))))))))) Hope you got through yesterday ok. You were in my thoughts. leeann

Thank you so much Lori. Those are some great ideas. If you don't mind.. I'll post a wee memory right here. I think I was 8 or 9 and probably President Nixon had just made Father's Day official. (Yet I recall celebrating it before this) But Mom wanted to do something real special for Dad. Money was tight.. so I'm not sure what if any gifts we had to give him. So, she helped my sister & I make Dad a crown and sceptor out of cardboard so he could be "King" for the day. We then covered both items in Aluminum foil with a ball of foil at the tip of the sceptor. It was just "gorgeous"... as you can imagine. LOL I can still see Dad graciously sitting in the lawn chair outside in the backyard, wearing his crown proudly while we were giving him snacks & iced tea. This HAD to be worse than a bad tie. LOL But he did wear it and played along for my sis and I. He was such a good sport about it. Hope you all have some fond memories too. I miss his laughter the most sometimes. leeann

Thanks very much for sharing this with us Whiteswan.. It is a comfort to me. leeann

Well Sync, maybe you weren't ready before now. It's ok. We all do this in our own way and in our own time. leeann

Well Don.. it was out of your control... unless you have discovered some sort of secret fountain of youth for pups. I think I know what you mean though when you say it seemed to happen so fast. Could it be that maybe that is what is bothering you more than the guilt of having her put to sleep? Like was it done fairly quickly ... in the same office visit? Like when you left your house that day with Chewy to go to the vet... while you were driving over there, were you thinking that you wouldn't come home with her? That perhaps that was a serious possibility? Or didn't you have those thoughts until after you were already IN the office visit? Because that may be why you are feeling like it was so rushed. I mean it wouldn't have changed the facts of her condition nor probably the out come if you had had those thoughts beforehand... but it certainly makes it understandable why you are struggling with that particular aspect of it. If this is the case... I'm sure no doubt it felt like it was all over too quickly. But even if you weren't having conscious thoughts that that day could be it for Chewy... I'll bet somewhere inside you you had an idea that the time was approaching. But feeling like it was rushed could certainly make this passing a bit more traumatic for you. So what you are feeling... even though I know it hurts.. is probably "normal". Ya know Don... maybe talking to the vet might help you. Let the vet know what you are feeling about that day. For one.. it could help him or her in the future with other clients. And for two .. he/she may be able to explain things a bit more in detail for you as far as Chewy's condition & passing goes. They may be able to affirm you in that you made the right choice for Chewy. I'm glad you are feeling a bit better at times though. But still having those horrible thoughts of ending her life from time to time... I dunno Don. But I wouldn't call that a "regression". I think that grief doesn't only go in one direction. One can have a few good days and then feel absolutely horrible for a bit. Then that passes and one feels reasonably good again for a few... and then maybe a few more rough days come. Grief isn't necessarily "one way", you know what I mean. I have found that the string of good days just gets a wee bit longer over time. And there is more space in between the tougher days. So still think positively about your progress.. because I do indeed think you are making some. And keep us posted. leeann

Sync, You made me smile.. Nope I have NO idea at all why you can't sleep. LOL Yeah I remember sitting at the Doc's office trying to explain to him how I was feeling. I told him I had this inner racing going on and that I couldn't seem to get my heart rate below 100. And I was puzzled as to what was wrong with me. And he's looking at me like with this "Oooookkkkk" look on his face. LOL He knew of course that I had just weeks previously found my Mom dead and the circumstances surrounding me finding her etc. He probably thought I had a screw or two loose! Nope.. I couldn't imaaaaagine what was wrong with me. Man.. it's funny now.. but then.. I seriously couldn't see the forest for the trees. So yeah.. talk about him some more.. Tell your intended (Congrats by the way on the upcoming nuptials) all about your Dad. Let her in on your grief if you haven't already. She's about to walk your life journey with you.. so no time like the present to grab her hand and take those first steps. And your sis sounds like someone else you could talk to as well. You may not feel like you are doing ok... but you are handling this very well IMO. You are being proactive about your grief and seeking resources to help you. And I think you are an inspiration to us. So keep going and keep us posted on how you are doing. leeann

Welcome sync So sorry about the loss of your Dad. Very tough for you to have to adjust to the quick change in his condition I imagine. KathyG gave you many great ideas. And yes I agree you probably are experiencing delayed grief. You asked: You have. You have already started your journey by coming here and telling us about your beloved Dad and his passing. You are on your way. You are talking about it. And you are feeling it. Many of us here have had trouble sleeping.. many. And we also have sought out our Doc's to help us. So you aren't alone there. (And 'good on ya' for going to see your Doc!) You are in good company. Talking about it as Kathy said is good. And one way you are doing that is by sharing with us here. And she gave you suggestions for finding additional ways to share your feelings and experiences. Well I found that by just sharing here I was able to express some of the emotions. I also found that by just reading other people's posts here helped me release some of my emotions. But the biggest thing probably I did to help myself express the emotions was to avoid judging myself or my grief. I tried really hard to just accept that this was going to hurt. I finally let the shoulders down.. and let the tears rip. I stopped fighting the expressing of the emotions. I thought Why am I fighting this? It hurts.. period. I am only human and I was a well loved human.. so.. I miss them awful and I'm going to just allow myself to Feel that missing. And I let the tears be what they were.. I didn't judge them. It is INtense sometimes, but I was affirmed here that was ALL normal. And that the intenisty will wane over time. But.. it smarts pretty bad. I learned I had to actually sloooow down & make some time to be by myself to just think and remember those I had lost. I needed time to just plain figure out what I was feeling and then try to express those feelings. I still find the more I ignore my feelings .... and refrain from expressing them.. the worse I feel, the harder it is to fall asleep.. etc>>> That file.. someday... when you are ready to open it, you will make the time to do that. And I bet when you need to find that disc... it will be right there... where you left it last. And you again will make some time to look at the pics... but again...only when you are ready. This is your journey and you are in charge of it. You call the shots. The memories you are having now from those last precious few days... I bet they are vivid for you now. Mine were very vivid too when I started this journey in earnest. (I too experienced some delayed grief with my Mom's passing.) There was some trauma and I also had some anxiety that my Doc helped me cope with for a brief two months on an anti-anxiety med. In time though now I notice.. yes.. of course I still remember what the scene was like when I found her on the kitchen floor.. but the !!!!!!! feelings & the flashbacks I had when I first started to think about that night have softened and are no where as intense as they were at first. But.. I think I still needed to go through that !!!!!! part to get to where I am now. If you know what I mean. I have more focus on the other more postive memories now rather than just that night. I think talking about it or writing about it helped me get to feeling more calm about it all the quickest. It was like a mini burden lift each time I spoke or wrote about it. It didn't take the weight completely off of me.. but kind of lightened it for me .. at least temporarily. So I hope you can find someone you can share with a bit too. Or another outlet to express it all within. If not.. we're here for ya for sure. I talked to my spouse and two really good friends and occasionally my sister. Yeah.. I can relate to that realization and the sensations & feelings it brings up within me. There's this ache... there is at times an emptiness.. and sometimes it is an achy emptiness. And sometimes.. it throbs. But I have learned that whatever it is.. it is what it is and it is mine to feel and express in a way that I am comfortable with. I had to learn to just accpet wherever I was along the way on this journey. Inside and out I bet. The Sun is still out there though... and it will shine upon your path soon enough. You are on your way and we here hold out our hands to help you along. (((((Hugs))))) leeann

Oh ((((Midnight)))) A Super Round of Applause for you! I know seeing your Doc about this must have been one of the hardest things you have had to do. But I can't say how proud I am of you! And I agree your Doc was so good to treat you like he did and to give you such a great referral for someone who he will work closely with. This is great news! Yes I agree as well that this will be a struggle for you at times. And you might find yourself smarting & hurting to the quick sometimes but hang in there with this. I think you are correct in thinking it will be work. But I'm sure that kind of work will be way worth it all in the end. Keep communicating with both your Doc and the Psychologist. And don't give up! Make your healing a priority.. you deserve that. And I think you are right again.. things WILL get better and you WILL be feeling probably much better than you have for a very long time. You are one courageous woman and I'm thinking of you! leeann

SM Glad you are feeling a bit better too and that you have indeed found some support from your family and friends. Very good news. As I have seen Marty post from time to time... just because no has responded to one's posts doesn't mean that no one cares. Sometimes I find I can't respond to certain posts because I care too much. And am very moved by what I have read. (Don't forget we are all here grieving someone or something and are in a tender way ourselves. We all have good days and bad and sometimes we are just unable to post at the moment.) When I just can't respond to someone... I sure do send them good thoughts and prayers though. So there's your "osmosis" I guess right? But we all do care here, we just may not have the words to necessarily respond & say so. Also I like to keep in mind that as I may be pouring my heart out here in a post.. or venting.. I may simultaneously be helping someone else 'out there' by affirming their own feelings. But I know when I post.. that many are reading and probably helping me along with their good thoughts even though they may not have responded. So it is all good here. And I am super grateful for this site. So how have you been managing? Are you still experiencing the physical symptoms?? If so.. maybe a call to your Doctor might be in order. Again, as I have stated before, our Doctors can really be a good resource for us at time like these. Many of us here have sought some help from our Doctors. In any event I hope you are feeling a bit better. leeann

Lnette I'm so glad you are feeling a bit better. Yes.. I think that is true. But I also think I was forever changed by my pets' lives, not only their deaths. I learned quite a bit from these wonderful animals. Exactly how much and when are all up to you & for you to do in your own time & way. But yeah, I agree, hugging family is always good, isn't it? Hope you all have a good weekend. leeann

(((((Lnette)))) Yup coming home afterwards and for awhile is tough. I know exactly what you mean. I would feel like the day went pretty well and then walk in the door and it hits again...right in the pit of your stomach. And yeah the tears would flow and .. well.. they should, right? But only for awhile in the beginning did I experience this. Like I said in other posts on this forum.. I trie dto keep focusing on my dog as once again healthy & happy; running around again and playing. No longer trapped in a body that didn't work. And slowly, over time...yes I thought of it the instant I came through the door.. but the tears would no longer instantly come.. A wistful feeling might be there and then I would immediately try to visualize her whole and healthy once again and think that she was definitely better now. All throughout our pets lives I had to keep in mind what was best for them... and as we all know, that wasn't necessarily what I always wanted or needed. Would I laugh when they got up for food ont he table and not reprimand them? No, of course not, they'd steal food and be overweight if I allowed that. Would I let them run around the neighborhood at will, No. Even though that is what they may have preferred I knew they could be hit by a car or other bad things could happen if I allowed that. In other words.. I had to set limits even though sometimes... it would have been easier to just allow them to do what they wanted. (I mean I'm sure we all would rather just ignore some behavior because it is just easier at times. We're tired or had a long day.. who wants to chase after a creative escape artist? But.. I did it.. because it was my responsibility to keep them safe. I had to BE the human. I was the human and their caretaker. I considered being their human a serious responsiblity. What I have learned is I had to extend that thinking as well to when it was time to put them to sleep and after as well. I still had to think.. I did the responsible thing and the best thing for them. Was it the best for me?? Heck no. It hurts awful to lose a loving & special companion. But.. it was the best thing for them. The last loving and caretaking task I would ever do for them. Pet owning, in my opinion can't be ONLY about the human. It also has to be about the pet and meeting that pet needs as an animal living in the world of a human. I did what I had to for that pet in the end, knowing full well.. it was gonna hurt me badly. But I did it for them. Not for me. If it was up to me... they'd all live with us forever. LOL But.. I have learned also... clearly.. it isn't up to me. That thinking.. I think.. helped me avoid many of the guilty feelings afterwards and helped me realize.. the end itself was just a small part of that relationship we shared. They were counting on me to live up to my responsibilities.. right to the end... and I didn't fail them. But our relationship was so much more than just the end and I was really very blessed to have that beautiful creature in my life and I know they appreciated me and our family & were blessed to have us too. leeann

Oh lnette.. what a beautiful cat! She was just gorgeous. And keep hanging on to what Margaret said.. because it is absolutely true. You gave her a so much love over the years... and I bet she returned it too. leeann

Our friends have made out really well. They did indeed adopt another dog in time. (I'm thinking now.. maybe there was about a 3 month gap in between. Which.. mind you, everyone is different and every loss is different, may not seem like long enough to some folks. But for them.. it was right. They had known for about 4.5 months before they had to put her to sleep that the she was terminal. But like I said.. we are all different and you will know when or if it is time to get another companion.) This new dog of theirs has a completley different temperment and personality... which I think is kinda helpful. This one is a nut for sure. lol (Deathly afraid of house flies apparently. But finds bull frogs fascinating and wants to swim in the pond with them. She is a stitch to watch!) My husband calls her the "Reindog" cause she runs like .. run, run, run, LEAP! run, run run, LEAP!. The differences in the two pooches are good. We can easily preserve our memories of her beloved lost 5 yr old. And this new one made/makes us all laugh when we needed to. Don you telling us how Chewy had to avoid the tile floors reminds me that my sis may be about to go through all of this too. Her 10 yr old Golden Ret. has been being treated for hip dysplasia for at least the last 4 yrs. She has had two strokes as well. The strokes she has managed to recover from nicely. But her hips... the poor thing. My sis says she doesn't even get up with her husband in the morning anymore (which used to be one of her favorite things and one of her most exuberant times). And she says she limps through the day quite frequently now... even on the meds from the vet. My sis has no desire to see any animal suffer.. so she has told me she is thinking that the time may be approaching soon for this Golden. They adopted this Golden a few months before they had to put their other older pet dog to sleep. (Again for whatever reason... the personalities of the older dog and their Golden were vastly different.) And sis is now already looking for another dog. So she is preparing. That's the way they handle it.. They have a newer dog in the house for several months before the older one goes. For them & their daughter.. this way seems to work. But soon her heart will be heavy too with the loss. They have had to make certain changes in their house too to accomodate this older retriever. I'm hoping the poor thing can be kept comfortable for awhile still though. Pets are just part of our families to me. They enhance & challenge our ability & capacity to love. I remember my Dad telling me it was so important for children to have a pet so they could witness, as much as any human can witness, unconditional love. And I think he was right. The dog we have now, we adopted shortly after finding out that our friend's dog was terminal. And our kids witnessed first hand what the loss will be like when the time comes for us to help her into eternal rest. (Edited just to add that the dog we have now is very much like the dog I had growing up in personality. I guess we all end up with what we are supposed to huh? ) And both of our kids have stated.. it is way worth having the pet to love even though it is going to hurt bad when they pass. And I think they are right too. Hope you are doing ok Don and know I'm keeping you in my thoughts. leeann

((((Lnette)))) I'm so sorry about your kitty. Of course I'll be thinking of you both. Passings can be so hard sometimes ... even the planned ones. The guilt feelings are kinda normal but keep in mind that what happened.. was probably not something you can claim direct responsibility for. And I'm sure the long evening before of a beautiful good bye was more important to your kitty than those last few seconds. And the evening was something you can always go back to as a warm memory. When I have lost pets, I tried to keep focused on the fact that my pet was now out of pain and no longer suffering. I tried to keep my focus on that. The last few days and the memories of suffering faded after a bit and now.. I too have warm memories and rarely recall the more negative aspects of their illnesses and passings. And that is my hope for you too. leeann

(((((Hugs))))) for you hon. I'm so sorry you lost Mom that way and so suddenly. You have my sympathy. And I can tell you.. many of us here understand exactly what you are feeling. You have had a whole lot to deal with in a short time. Death and birth... one very sad and stressful and one very happy yet stressful as well. Of course you are feeling the entire gamut and range of feelings from anger to sadness to frustration to "emotional auto pilot". I disagree... Hon you ARE coping. You are doing as well as anyone could expect. It just that this hurts unlike any other pain. Your baby is healthy and doing well and I gather your older son is as well. You are still doing life on life's terms. You just aren't used to doing it in this much pain. And the pain.. is absolutely normal. The intensity will wane in time.. but I think we all will miss our loved ones always. There is nothing to be afraid of... tears and all of your others feelings are all "normal" and to be expected. No one likes feeling out of control... and if that is what is making you feel frightened.. worry not. Everyone here has felt that way at one time or another. But...acknowledging my lossses and feeling & expressing my feelings helped me feel like I was in more control. The less I fought my feelings.. the better I felt. The less I judged my grief.. the better I felt. The more I shared and read here and realized.. I was "normal"... the better I felt. The more I do the work of grief... the better I feel. I discovered... for me?? There is no getting away from this. So I just tried to stand as tall as I could and let the pain wash right over me... and I felt it to my bones. And slowly I realized... I was still ok after the wave passed and I could then handle the next wave and all the waves that will come. You will get there hon. In your own way and in your own time. And I also want to say Congratulations on the birth of your new baby. Nanny will be watching over both of them. And my belief is.. she isn't that far away. Our kids don't really have any grandparents left.. however... I have found.. grandparent like people have shown up in their lives.... just when they need them to. Is it the same?? No. But.. somehow we are all ok and I believe will be ok. And we are grateful for the people that end up in our lives for one reason or another. It really is literally the best of both worlds. Granparent-like folks here and their true grandparents watching over them from there. I'm so glad you shared with us here and please do keep us posted on how you are feeling. There is nothing wrong with you hon, so have no fear. It just feels this bad in the beginning (which you are still in the beginning). In time.. you might want to reconsider a grief group near you. But know that for now, we are here for you and we do indeed "get it". leeann

Oh Kay I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend. That's all you can do is be there for Virgie and you are an awesome friend to allow her to do things in her own way and time. Take care of you too in all of this and don't forget to make some time for your own grief. leeann

I have had a few white dove visits over the years that I associate with my Dad and also have felt that peaceful feeling afterward. My daughter also had one as she was just about to undergo a dental procedure she was a bit uneasy about. While sitting in the waiting room with a view through a small window to the one bush we could see, a white dove suddenly landed on a teensy branch of this bush. She immediately saw it and exclaimed "That's Grandpa telling me not to worry." So she too got some peace. I agree with Dusky & Kay that I am very happy you had this wonderful experience and I look at them as gifts too. leeann

SM (((Hugs))) I'm so sorry you have lost dear Spirit. What a wonderful companion he was! And what a beautiful send off you gave him. I know you are feeling angry at the lack of sympathy coming from your friends and relatives. You ask if they know how much you are hurting... some may know if they have lost a family member or a beloved pet. And perhaps trying to help you raises fears in them of their own feelings of grief & loss. Others may have absolutely no clue hoe you are feeling or what to say to you. I think if you read here on the other forums.. you will indeed discover that many of us have been surprised (and hurt also) by the lack of sympathy and support coming from those we thought would extend us that while we grieve. I think you will also see that some of us have found support in unlikely places and many of us count on each other here for most of our support and understanding. Check out these threads on some of the other forums here: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=3178 http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=3171 The fact is..... most people do not want to deal with grief and loss and avoid those subjects. It is the rare person that will sit and just listen to us. And those are losses of people... so you can imagine how there might be even less people wanting or able to sit down and listen to someone who has lost a beloved pet. I can affirm for you that it is not surprising that there seems to be a lack of folks in our lives that are willing to support us through grief. So you aren't alone, if that's any comfort. I do not know where you are but you may find in person pet loss support near where you live. I see on this web site http://www.pet-loss.net/ that they have suggested contacting local humane societies or vets offices for referrals. So that may help you find in person support. (It also seems to have loads of good info about healing the loss of a beloved pet.) But for cyber support... please know we are here for you. And no.. really you aren't losing it.. what you are experiencing is kind of normal for loss. You took such good care of him... so I know you are a good care taker. So... how about your turn some of that care onto yourself? Do whatever you find that helps you to begin healing, whatever gives you peace. It is tough that you work from home. Some folks find that going to work offers a distraction away from the pain for a bit. But you work where Spirit lived. So you might have to get more creative about making time for distractions. You could try taking regular breaks.. take a regular lunch time. Try to get out a bit during those times if the weather allows. Take a walk or run a quick errand.. etc. Or if you can't leave.. then take some breaks with music... use your ipod if you have one or a CD player and pick music that soothes you. Just turning on a radio might be counter productive if a special song comes on. So choosing your "break" music specifically might help. I know I have a few instrumental pieces that soothe me and I find that with songs without words... sometimes I do better, ya know? But pamper yourself a bit now. Take care of you as well as you took care of Spirit. And if you find you need some more sessions with your counsellor by all means do that! Anything that helps is good. Keep us posted on how you are doing. leeann

DoubleJ I agree with much of what has been stated already. But I just wanted to tell you I think it is perfectly understandable that her behavior touched a nerve for you. I'm sorry she couldn't 'be there' for you as you were for her. But...Keep your eyes peeled.. like I said in Kathy's thread...sometimes help comes from unexpected places. leeann

Oh Golda (((((Hugs)))) for you. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your lovely Beck. How terribly sudden and awful this must have been for you all. I can't even imagine a loss like this. My losses are different from yours but there are some common things that we all experience with grief itself. The feeling of not being able to cope is common among us all in the early days unfortunately. (And yes it is still early days for you.) We all feel that searing pain of emptiness as well. And I agree the pain does in fact feel physical at times. Like a constant throb in the chest. And yes... somedays.. it certainly isvery hard to put feet on the floor and keep going. I can tell you that the intensity of these feelings will pass. But a loss especially an unexpected one like yours hurts like the dickens for awhile. And the tears and things you are experiencing... are kinda "normal". So know for sure you have plenty of company here. About the questions you have surrounding her passing.. Is there anyway you could talk to your own Doctor about it? I mean he/she may have some ideas to explain what happened and some answers that may help you. And also the Doc may be able to help you with your own sleep issues etc. Going on a medication for a short time may make a big difference in how you feel. And getting some more sleep may increase your appetite some too. Many of us have had to use medication for awhile to help us. I would definitely give your Doctor a call. They are a great resource for us at times like these. Please know that you have my prayers and my sympathy. I'm very glad you found us here but so very sorry you had to. And keep us posted on how you are doing. leeann

(((shauna))) That's a milestone for sure. I'm glad it is behind you now. It certainly was a weight lifted for me too. Take it easy with you now for a bit. See if you can pamper yourself a bit. Do whatever is healing to you. But also.. acknowledge your efforts... it isn't easy to get through the "estate/probate" process. So pat yourself on the back a bit. leeann