leeann

(((((((((((Mariah))))))))))) I'm so sorry for your loss. Three weeks isn't too long and I'm not surprised you are crying everyday... I kinda think that is normal. I have learned losing someone I love and that loved me well IS a hard thing and I will probably have a hard time for a bit. But I also learned that there is nothing wrong with that. It's natural.. a process that takes time. And you have had precious little time since he passed. I do not think that there was anything more you could have done. You and your brother.. God Bless you! You were so very faithful in being there for him! What strength and.. what Love you gave to him! That is something that you really gave as a gift... you gave yourself.. your time... your love. Really.. what more does someone need? You gave it all. So I think you are safe to stop any blame of yourself. I would urge you to let that go. I know that might be hard to do... but I bet.. if you polled us all... we would say we ALL have felt that somewhat too. No matter HOW much we did before they passed. So I think the feeling of "should I have", "could I have", "what if I had" __________(fill in the blank) is kinda of a normal feeling and thought. I think it is just part of the grieving process. I felt that for a bit as many of us probably have.. but.. I knew.. realistically?? No there really wasn't anything else I could have done. So it's a normal feeling I had.. but I felt it.. thought about it some and then let that thought go.. cuz I kinda knew it wasn't true. Try to think about how much you & your brother were there for him... focus on how much of yourselves you gave to him. If things had been reversed.... wouldn't you have felt blessed to have two kids so caring, loving and devoted? I was grateful to be there for my Dad when he passed. No matter the miles I put on the car everyday running back & forth.. no matter how many hours I spent there.. no matter the exhaustion and running around... I would do it all again. And I'm grateful I was able to be there and have that time with him. And I think he was too. My Mom passed very suddenly.. I spoke to her about and hour and a half before she passed and she was fine. But I didn't find her til 48 hrs later. So I didn't have any time with her like I had with my Dad. It was a quick passing for her and she didn't suffer like my Dad had to. So I try to look at that as a blessing. You will most definitely get through this... I can say that.. because I have now experienced several significant losses and... I'm still here. I have felt awful and raw with each one for a time.. I think we all do. But little by little & in time... the pain gets a bit less intense. "Breaking down"?? Normal.. and healthy in my opinion. Think about it Mariah.. what you went through was months and months of stress, anxiety, sadness and yes.... trauma. ANYone needs to recover from that and tears are therapeutic and help to heal us. So I try to let my tears rip and not judge them. I try to keep in mind.. there is no timetable and I won't "get over it" but I will learn to live without them physically here anymore... in time. I would urge you to keep stopping by here and sharing with us.. This forum has helped me very much and others here have said the same. So, Welcome! Sorry you have had to join us but glad you found us. And yes.... by ALL means.. it does it get easier in time. leeann

I'm back again... I got through some more "stuff" today. This time it was the garage stuff. I was able to reduce 6 boxes to 4 and maybe 3 by the end of tomorrow. I tried not to think too much and to be realistic. Some things.. especially kitchen stuff I thought might not be safe for today's use. Some of the casserole dishes were made before I was born and I doubt are dishwasher (Mom never di have any other dishwasher but her two hands and ours..lol) or microwave safe. Out they went... So I was thinking but.. not over thinking things too much... I hope. I had a few tough moments... One was opening a box and unwrapping a jar candle. It was a rude surprise as I remember lighting that particular candle the night I found her dead in an attempt to get "the smell" out of the house. It was like being slapped in the face without warning when I opened it up. But.. here's the not thinking too much part.. I just thought.. hey we had simliar tastes as far scents went and I love the scent of that candle... So I kept it and put it with other ones I have. I figured.. instead of that candle leaving a negative and sad impression forever on me... that perhaps in the near future I will be able to look at it as something Mom and I shared in common. A good memory of something we shared. Yeah whenever I see that candle I could choose to focus on it's last use.. OR I can ALSO choose to look at it as a lovely connection I shared with Mom. So it will get used in this house and I will try to look at it as something good not bad... something that reminds me of her in a postive way... That candle was lit when we went to visit her last before she died.. only a week before and we had a great visit as usual... and I choose to focus on that.. instead of the sadness and trauma of that night I found her. I have choices...I have choices about how I think about things & "stuff". leeann

(((((((((((Cindi)))))))))))

((((((Joy))))))) <Big hug for you. I am so sorry for your loss. This is so very recent for you and the fact that it was so sudden I'm sure is contributing to your pain right now. I must tell you it does hurt very badly at times. And yes... that is normal and you will indeed in time feel less overwhelmed. In my experiences, the pain's intensity lessens. The missing.. well, I think that goes on always. I know it is important not to judge ourselves or our grief. It is just important that we feel it. Cry when we need to.. as those tears are healing. And be patient with ourselves as we are trying to get used to life without that person physically here we us anymore. As I have said before... we wouldn't hurt so badly if we weren't loved so well or loved well in return. So I try to be grateful through my tears. I can imagine you must be feeling so very raw and fragile at the moment... I mean sometimes we all,no matter how old we are, just wanna curl up in a ball and wail that we want them back. And I have found the best I can do sometimes is to curl up and wail. As far as "getting over it" goes... I'm not sure one can "get over it". I think one just learns to live our lives without that person here. I think we assume that loss within our lives in time and continue on our journey here. But take confidence in that we all know what this is like and you are indeed in good company. I think you will find the folks here helpful and understanding as I have. I'm very glad you found us! So do keep us posted as to how you are doing. And poke around the site here. I have found reading other's posts can really help me along. leeann

Thanks so much shell. I have gotten even further along. I emptied three boxes of stuff and was able to put the remaining things into one. I also started going through some old paperwork. And currently I have one box of that done. I separated things out that had to be shredded and threw the rest away. (It was amazing to me how many older documents have SS#'s on them!) And I think you are right shell.. not thinking too long about each thing helps. I followed my gut and kept going thing by thing. Sure I cried... but I kept going while I was crying. Once I got done with the stuff.. I moved onto the paperwork thinking I was doing well and the tough stuff & tears were behind me... turns out.. not quite. I was doing great til I found a simple grocery store receipt amongst bank statements. The grocery store went out of business years ago. And I knew that they had touched it and which parent had bought what was on it. And would you believe, that silly little receipt set me off crying again. It IS the little stuff sometimes that takes you by surprise. But I just kept working while I cried. Before I was thinking that crying was a signal to stop working on it and ya know.. it doesn't have to be. I'm not finished.. and I still have the garage to get through.. but that spare room looks a whole lot better already. Thanks for the support. leeann

OK.. call me brave or give me a round of applause.. or something.. I was able to throw it out. I emptied it of the remaining stuff... and saved that stuff to go through another day. Then... I threw out the purse. big sigh.

I'm not throwing the purse out. Can't.. not yet. One can see more of the floor in that room now... but.. still miles to go..... leeann

Deb, All those years of Happy Birthday singing... wow. My teens cringe now when I sing it to them.. (and I don't think I sing THAT badly... ) Many years of fond birthday memories for you I bet though. I'm glad you heard from all of your siblings too. That's sweet. Ya know what I found though?? I thought the same as you initially.. that I didn't want to share my grief about my loss with my siblings or close cousins either for fear of increasing their pain. When I finally did mention how awful I felt one day in desperation ... I was stunned to learn that they were hesitating to share with me for the same reason and were extremely glad I brought it up. We both had a good cry together on the phone and we both agreed we felt much better. So sometimes... grief shared is a burden shared. As far as signs go.. I have had them in various forms from all the significant losses I have had. Not always right away.. sometimes months.. years after. But eventually, I guess when the time was right.. I got signs from all of them. I got one extraordinary one in a dream. The rest.. well.. they kinda snuck up on me when I wasn't necessarily looking for them. But they were plain as day when they did come. I'd like to think that my passed loved ones are having a blast with each other and others where they are and enjoying what has come next for them. I have just assumed they are alright. And I assume there are actually better than they have been for a really long time. I know they are there if I need them and I talk to them all the time. And in the silences in between... I can hear them still.. in my heart. Yes maybe a recording would be nice.. but I bet you can still hear your Mom singing right in your own heart and head. I'd like to think those memories will always be there for us and how blessed are we to have them. leeann

(((((((((((shubom)))))))) I think you are making good choices for yourself. Most people understand and if they don't.. someday.. they will. But worry not about them. Go ever so gently with yourself and talk to Mom & your Great Aunt; that may help ease your intense missing feelings.I'm sure they are right proud of you. Take things one at a time and go slowly. Thinking of you. leeann

Ok.. this is kinda maddening.. There are loads of sites offering info on "How To" administrate a will, the probate process (which varies from state to state and country to country...) executorship.. etc., but very little info on what to save after said administration and probate is complete. (I'm beginning to think.. no one really knows or those who do... don't wanna tell us. lol We've already been through some of the worst.. I think we can take this. So they should just Tell us already!) I will plop links in here from time to time, as I find them, in regards to what to save document wise. Also if there are any general sites that cover loads of ground as far as estate administration and probate I will post those too. My first one here has a link to each of the 50 US states' Laws regarding Estates & Probates: http://estate.findlaw.com/estate-planning/...te-probate.html This is the FAQ page from the IRS regarding Estate Taxes: (don't forget to check out the "References and Related Topics" links at the bottom of the page.) http://estate.findlaw.com/estate-planning/...te-probate.html This is an excellent, in plain English, guide book of sorts for Executors. "So You've Been Appointed Executor" by Tom Carter BA,MA, LLB from the Self Counsel Press. (This is in PDF.. but it is all there..) http://www.self-counsel.com/samples/9781551803883.pdf The HTML version for those of you that don't have Acrobat Reader: http://www.google.com/search?q=cache:RRo0I...&gl=us&ie=UTF-8 So those links I posted above here are good for when your are in the midst of probate & administrating an estate. For afterwards??? I can't find anything "official" just yet.. but I will keep looking when I get a chance. But I will offer you my own 2 cents as far as what seems logical to save afterwards.. if ya want it.. lol If ya don't.. skip the following. Ok most obviously.. 1) Death Certificates (raised seal originals) If you have given them all away in the process of probate, contact your Funeral Home and ask them to get you another raised seal copy. Most will do this gratis.. otherwise there may be a small fee. But it is worth it.. so definitely obtain and retain a raised seal death certificate. 2)"Letters Testamentary" sometimes referred to as "Surrogate's Papers" etc. (again must have a raised seal. I think very few if any people want an original raised seal of this document and a xeroxed copy usually suffices. But make sure you have at least one raised seal for yourself. I think I had to use two or three raised seals plus I needed one to keep for myself. I think the Surrogate's office charged $5 per raised seal original.) This is a legal document from a Probate Court informing you of your appointment as executor/executrix of his or her appointment and empowering the executor/trix to discharge the appointed responsibilites. 3)A copy of the Will itself. (I think.. don't quote me.. but I think I had to surrender the original of the Will at the end of Probate.. or the beginning.. sometime during the process. In any event, the County Surrogate's office or Probate office would have an original on file at the end of the process. But make sure you have a xeroxed copy for yourself in the end. Our Surrogate officer was wonderful and offered to make copies right there for us. In general, I found these people to be very nice.) 4)Deeds: To any estate property still in your possesion and of course to any cemetary plots. 5) Vehicle Titles of those from the estate still in your possesion. (We donated Mom's car.. So the people we donated it to got the Title and I got a receipt. So I am keeping that receipt as well as the receipt for the License Plates we turned in to the Motor Vehicle agency.) Ok now.. maybe Not so obviously what to save: 6) The decedents income tax return copies for, at the least 3 years and at the most 7??? I'm guessing here... 7)Their bank statements for at least 3 years. (My hub thought this made sense to keep if we ever needed to show that Mom didn't gift us anything.) 8)The Estate Account statements.... for like ever.. I think.. I dunno. lol Depends on how easily the estate/probate went I think. If you have some angst or questions in your family.. I would just hold on to them indefinitely. As that is an easy way to show your accounting & administration of the Estate funds. 9)Utility bills of the decedent: I would save those until you have closed out their accounts with each utility. Then I would only save the "closeout" bill or statements. 10)I would keep their Social Security cards for at least three years as well. Well, that's all my poor brain can think of right now. But if I do find any more official articles or any good info on what to save.. I'll post them. Hope this helps leeann

(((((((((((((((((((((((Deb)))))))))))))))))))) Hold on to us hon... Everything you are feeling .... however deeply painful... is normal. (I can't believe I typed that.. but I did.. only cuz it is what I know to be true. We are here... and no.. there isn't a whole bunch we can "say".. but we're here with our cyber arms open and we know exactly what you are talking about. Hole in your chest.. yup. I got it too. We all have at least one. But my "theory" on holes in hearts is... At first... they are bleeding... just bleeding and hurting... like no other wound has hurt us before. The reason it hurts SO bad.. is we were loved.. very well and loved very well in return. Eventually the bleeding slows down some.. and then stops. The pain lessens a bit in intensity. And a scab covers the wound. It still hurts.. when we are moved... but not as 'to the quick' as it was in the beginning. Then...eventually... a scar forms. A scar we have so earned with our love and their loving of us. But truly... it is a love scar. And those scars are ours forever... because we were blessed enough to be loved so well. So my wish... for all of us.. is that when it is our turn to go... we will leave with well scarred hearts. Because after all... it is all about love. Deb.. please believe us when we say.. "It will get better.". It does.. really it does get better. But the pain.. we can affirm for you that it does indeed exist and it does indeed feel this bad. We have all had it and.. yet... we are still here. It is soooo early for you yet. Your grief (wound) is super intense right now because it is so very fresh and new. It will get easier to live life without that person we loved so dearly. We just need time to learn how to do that. But it can indeed be done. The missing..??? Yes.. I think that will continue as long as we live. But it won't be nearly as intense as it feels to you right now. So don't worry.. we're here. And believe it or not.. I think you are doing ok! You are expressing your grief and that expression helps us process our losses. So please.. come on in here and keep us posted on how you are doing. And know.. we're walking right beside you. leeann

Hey Drew.. I have an idea.. I'll help you and you help me. How about that? LOL And we'll eventually "git 'er done". Ya know though... I wouldn't be shy about maybe asking your Mom's friend to help you a bit when the time comes. My sis actually brought a friend down with her one time and she was great. She asked about everything before she touched it. Plus we just kept giving her tasks and she just did them quietly. I remember when we moved into this house we are in now,I had help unpacking from some cousins and friends. It was only about 6 months after my Dad had passed. And my one cousin picked up something to unpack and said "Why on earth did you save this?!" And I'll tell ya.. I just blurted out that my Dad had given me that and I wasn't ready to part with it yet. The tears instantly fell down my face and she apologized and hugged me. She just wasn't thinking... BUT she did for the rest of that day! So speak up if you have help. The best thing might be for you to think about particular jobs you are comfortable with her handling ahead of time... like packing up not often used glassware or other stuff that isn't so personal. I think helpers do better and we do better with them when we kind of assign them specific stuff to do. I think if I had been you, I too would have kept the lock of her hair. You might want to keep it someplace special or even put it in something nice later on. I'll keep ya posted on how I am doing then Marty. And Shell.. I know I have found a few websites about paperwork.. so I'll try to find them and post the links for you. **Update** (See this thread for those links: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=2936 ) This task of going through stuff is just different. I can't focus soley on someone or something else like I could with the house sale (like keeping the young couple buying it on my mind)or I do with the paperwork. This is mine and it is emotional. I did accomplish something. I just put things that I decided to keep and use right where I keep similiar things in my house. For example we used her steak knives at dinner etc. (I apparently have used ours as screwdrivers one too many times and the tips were all broken.. lol) But Mom would have liked that. She was into things having a purpose and really using them.. not just displaying them or packing them away as something too good to use. So I feel I have actually accomplished somethings. But 'miles to go before I sleep'. But I think it is important somehow to think about what I have already been able to do. Maybe that will help me press on as Drew said. This is my grief and I guess I better own it and one way I can do that is to go through this stuff. Thanks leeann

(((((Shubom))))) I don't think it is weird that you feel all upset by these events at all. It can be scary, sad and stressful. Course that probably doesn't make you feel much better. But if it is any consolation to you.. I know how one death or a pending death can bring up all kinds of emotions about our own past significant losses. And I also know how sometimes.. for whatever reason.. there seems to be many deaths going on all at once in our lives. It can feel very emotionally draining to attend all of the wakes and funerals that seem to pile up on us at certain points in our lives. In the summer and fall of '06 we experienced one those points. We had 9 deaths in our circle of family and friends. I remember going to two wakes two evenings in a row one week. It was a hard time. Then we seemed to catch a break for about 2 and a half months where no one died! Then I found my Mom dead. Overwhelmed?? Had enough of death?? You bet. I know you are thinking about losing your Grand Aunt right now and also thinking about perhaps the future losses of some others. When I get into a time like that.. I try to stay in ONE day.. or else I would be a mess. What do I want and need to do ..just today. I can't think about more than one 24 hour period at a time. I literally can't "go there" to the future. That can really help me cope. Also during the course of a few of those 9 deaths.. I decided... I need to just send a note & card and skip the wake and funeral. Or sometimes.. just skip the wake and attend the funeral, or vice versa. And know I could always catch up with those folks later on. Everyone has their limit. Obviously with some of the deaths it wasn't possible for me to skip them. But with some of them... I knew.. the best thing for me (and our kids)was to stay home.. pray for those that lost someone and leave them in Someone else's capable hands. So that is always another option if the need arises. People understand. As you well know.. sometimes we need all of those people that attended the events weeks and months later more than we needed them at the wake or funeral. But what helped me most I think was just staying in one day at a time. I focused on today and let "tomorrow take care of itself" as my Gram used to say. So if you feel like you are freaking out.. as I too felt.. I found that taking a wee break from it all helped. Doing something completely different from dealing with all of the sadness refreshed me a bit. So maybe think about taking yourself on a walk.. to the mall to window shop.. soak in a tub with some good tunes going.. whatever little gift of time and activity you can give to yourself to take a respite from the sadness may help. But truly.. I do not think what you are feeling is odd... quite normal I would think. Things are stressful right now... so take some time to refresh yourself a bit.

(((((((((((((((Deb))))))))))))) a hug for you. I'm so sorry for your loss. I am glad you could be there with her and that she passed so peacefully. I lost my Mom a bit over a year ago and I'm still trying to figure out how I go about life without her. So.. there's no rushing this figuring for me. I talk to her. I cry. It is early days for you... real recent still. So you might be feeling a bit stunned and raw. There's no timetable and everybody walks this grief path differently. Me?I just keep trying to put one foot in front of the other. (I have two teenagers and I'm trying to keep up with them so sometimes it's busy and it's real hard. Not easy to sit in the orthodontists' office waiting room with tears rolling down one's face while Ellen Degeneres in on their TV. etc..) Everyday life .. doesn't seem like everyday life any more... because there is a person missing. And Mom's leave a big hole somehow. There are days when I feel physically "hurt" almost and other days when it isn't quite as intense. I laugh still... have to. Maybe in the mornings.. you could sit down and have a chat with her? I tell my Mom all kinds of things and I cry. And I am very grateful for her having loved me so well that I hurt like the dickens right now. I'm pretty new here myself but I find the folks here do "get it" and are very helpful. So know for sure you aren't alone. And be gentle with yourself. My Mom was about 10 years younger than your Mom. And I know people will say.. "Oh they had a full life" and all of that.. but.. still.. It's our Moms. But..once a Mom.. always a Mom. And ya know.. I think they mother us still from there. Glad you posted and welcome.

Thanks Ladies. Well, I really do not want to "store" anymore than is already "stored" in the basement, garage.. etc. I have already given things to people who were close to her. So what I am talking about is the stuff that is left. We tried to go through things a bit at a time at the house while it was still listed on the market. We figured the furniture had to stay while it was for sale.. but we decided it could be "empty" furniture.. so we got to it. It was difficult in a way because my sibling lives hundreds of miles away. I did as much as I could on my own and took digital photos of things and we emailed alot back & forth. When she could come down.. we squeezed as much sorting as we could into the time we had. By the time all was said & done with the closing.. we had split up the stuff she wanted and the stuff I wanted.. (without any angst or anything.. we did real good there). Now each of my kids has storage containers with stuff they wanted for their future households and those are stored away in the basement. And she literally did rent a storage space for her stuff. We can't afford that though. So this stuff is just what is left... plus a few things my sibling wasn't quite ready to decide on just yet. Those things I found yesterday and put all together in a smaller box. That I will store. The rest of it...I dunno. Marty those links you offered... I actually had the thought yesterday while in that room.. "Maybe I should make something out of ALL of these hankerchiefs." There are MANY... and some are very pretty and look brand new. Maybe I can make something up for the kids with them. And the "Sorting" piece you posted: The fact that it takes so long.. that I identified with! But,I get into a different mind set when it is the paperwork. I don't tend to get emotional when I'm dealing with that. It's kinda like a "job" to me that has to be done. I close all of that emotional stuff out I guess when I'm working on it.. otherwise.. I couldn't think. And I have to be able to think. The paperwork is easier in that way to me. There is no emotion attached to it. So that's why I think I'm having a harder time with the stuff.. because that I have emotions with. I figured it would be harder so that is why I chose to do the 'stuff' first. And Shell.. the line from the movie you saw IS helpful. And I know I will recall that over & over again while I'm at this task.. so thanks. For example: No.. Mom doesn't need her purse anymore. I bought that purse for her as a gift. And now one would think it was something offensive. I just look at it and try not to touch it.. weird. I had to go through it right after she passed to get out things like her appointment cards so I could cancel all of her Doc appts. and I needed other things out of it obviously too.. but I related that to "paperwork" and just did what I had to. I was "in the zone" of being all responsible for all of the official tasks. All of that official stuff is now over. And.. the purse is empty and just sitting there. I "should" throw it out... which would definitely entail me laying a hand on it. Sounds silly I guess. But I'm not "in the zone" of responsibility anymore. I have done that and did it well as far as I can tell. Now it seems I'm just in the "emotional & painful zone". And I'd rather be "sailing".. or something.. anything else... I finally have the time for the emotions and now I don't want them. It is paralyzing..and almost humorous. I just stare at a box... I gingerly lift it's lid and literally peek in there, like whatever is in it is about to attack me. lol So I have to weigh how much I don't want to store this stuff against how much emotion I can and am willing to spend right now. But the bottom line I think is.. I want this portion of the loss "over" and.. what I think you are saying is.. and I already knew I suppose.. I can't treat this like it was "paperwork" and just plow through it emotionally unscathed. I'm gonna be scathed. No getting around that.. I'll let you know how I make out if you want. Thanks

What to do with it?? (Don't get me wrong.. loads of it has already been donated.. and it has been culled through.. and this is the stuff I didn't donate or toss. This is the stuff I saved.... heaven help me.) I need to take our spare room back.... but Mom's & some of Dad's stuff is in there... still. (We won't even talk about the garage....yet.) Since closing on the house in late Oct.... the holidays were right there and I still was working on the paperwork and nuts & bolts of the estate.. right up until late Dec. And all the while.. I just kept closing the door to the room. If I needed anything in there... I ran in.. got it.. ran out.. closed the door. I really need and the kids really need that room back. Can I just say I don't wanna??? How can I throw something out and not feel a twinge of guilt?? How can I say "Why did I save this???!!" and not feel a twinge of guilt?? Today was the first day I walked in there, with the purpose of starting to clean it up. I mean I'm unpacking boxes... going through.. tossing again... saving again... re-wrapping in newspaper.. putting "stuff" in smaller boxes.... I feel like I didn't get anywhere. And..It's overwhelming. And this is the STUFF... I haven't even started on the paperwork yet! (Paperwork>>> ugh...I'm not totally sure what to save and what not to save as far as that goes.. I've checked out some sites.. but truly.. I haven't found a whole lot of info out there on what to save from an estate. But I know I can't save it all...) I have a real strong urge to shut the door and pretend it all isn't in there... But it has been almost 13 months.. and well... I gotta do it. Is there an easier way?? Any tricks???? Can someone write me a note to excuse me from this???

Cindi.. What a beautiful thing to say. I mean I just kinda started here but I was overwhelmed by your post.. ( in a good way) Also.. it gives me some hope & confidence that this is indeed a good place. So thanks very much. leeann

(((((((((((((allaone)))))))))))) Ok I'm a year older and I feel the same sometimes. I don't know what that makes us.. but I'm willing to go out on a limb here and declare that maybe it makes us normal people who were loved really well. I hope so anyway. I feel stupid too at times and like I'm pitying myself... yet.. I know better. I know tears are therapeutic (literally) and necessary to help heal and process the loss. I'd rather scream at the walls than other people. My teeth... I dunno about the gnashing.. I think I need another root canal done.. so I'll skip that one. And yeah.. the hair, although now white.. is kinda thick so maybe I can afford to yank a few out. So.. I'll join ya in everything but the teeth gnashing. What a sweet young man you work with. You didn't see any Angel wings on him by any chance, did ya? Sure sounds like he could be one. There's a thing for the old gratitude list. I'm glad he was there for you today. And glad your Mom helped you with your daughter today too. Valentines Day is all about love... all kinds of love. And all things being considered... I think we were loved pretty good today, huh? Wishing you sweet dreams. Leeann

Thanks so much guys. Made it through the day.. again... amazing huh? I felt like I really didn't do a great job, maybe just a so-so job of this holiday for the kids or my hub. But at least I didn't burn dinner. Just gotta keep my feet moving forward I guess.. I'm feeling fragile which, if you knew me.. is kinda odd for me and I kinda don't like it. But.. the truth is, fragility is just part of this I guess. But it is something I'm not used to feeling at all. And like vulnerability...it is just uncomfortable to me. Hah.. I can fix a mulitude of problems.. but there is no fixing this... Just feeling every excruciating minute of it. AnnieO.. you sure had a year there too. It wasn't just raining or pouring.. it was deluging for ya there. I get the blur feeling.. everyday feels like that. Like I'm walking in some deep fog or... some other world from everyone else. But it is good to know you are feeling better than that now. And Drew... You are doing some real hard stuff right now. College alone is huge, let alone trying to manage/maintain the house(s). You might feel better about starting to go through the house & Mom's things once the pressure of school calms down a bit. After awhile I found it painful to be in my parent's house. As soon as I listed it, things changed... the realtor thought we needed to move furniture so it would "show" better.. etc.. The poor guy had no idea how painful it was to me (and our kids) to have the house "different". But.. we just sucked it up and in and did it.. cuz we had to. However.. if you have some luxury as far as time goes.. I'd use it if I were you. Take your time if there is no rush. But I have to tell you there did indeed come a time when I wanted it all over and done. I needed it to be over and done. We ended up dropping the daylights out of the price (with probably everyone else in the USA who had a house listed and sold last year) and letting it go to a very young couple who.. really needed us to drop the price. And truth be told... I think my parents hand picked this couple from heaven. They were exactly the type of people who my parents would have been very pleased to have the house. So it did all work out. Painful... oh yeah. I sat on the floor of my old bedroom and just sobbed to the bare walls one day. But I had other real pressing concerns that made it almost necessary to be out from under the burden of care & maintenance of another household. (And also... I'd be lying if I wasn't concerned about losing my husband during that surgery and having to process two very signifcant deaths simultaneously, while maintaining both homes.. taking care of the kids.. etc.) By the time hub came through both surgeries ok.. I was about d-o-n-e with dealing with the house. I was running out of gas by then.. so we ended up dropping the price, getting those buyers & closing on it in late Oct. Tough.. tough stuff to go through every nick & cranny.. and do the "give to", "save", "toss" and "donate" piles over and over. But ya know what helped me then?? I kept focused on the new couple buying the house. How can I make it better or easier for them?? I remembered back to what it was like to be just starting out and tried my best to give them a good start in that house. (Yes it was cleaned to within an inch of it's life.) I also wanted to hand it over to them in the condition & in a manner that would honor my parents. And.. I think I did that. But your situation is different.. and I bet Mom would want you to focus on school first. (I have NO idea how I would know that.... <wink, wink> ) So.. Drew... don't worry.. you'll know when the time is right. So.. take your time if you can. Your birthday... I suggest you do something just for you that day. And/Or as I saw in another thread here about dealing with B'days.. you could.. get a baloon and let it go on up to Mom.. cuz.. afterall.. you wouldn't have had a B'day without her and this way you can kind of spend a bit of it with her. Then.... eat some ridiculously caloric desert. You'll figure out what to do or not to do. But definitely be good to yourself that day. Cindi.. Yeah I'd say you were gifted in the inner strength dept. Wow. But ya know, I'm starting to think maybe.... grief needs a different strength than the one you used then and the one I used to get through many things and last year. Maybe.. grief is something that teaches us how to be weak, vulnerable, frail and humble. Cuz I guess those things are just part of being human. So maybe, afterward, the inner strength has a different breadth, width & depth. And the human becomes a better human. Well I hope so anyway. Love & ((((hugs)))) to all and many thanks Leeann

Every little or big holiday is hitting me... Half of me thinks I'm nuts... and the other half is sure that I am. But thought I'd wish you all & send you all some love on this holiday...anyway. I feel like .... I dunno.. rudderless??? I wish I had had the time, attention and "Magical powers" I guess to do some of this grieving last year. Mom passed in Jan 07 and as I posted in another thread... last year just warped into one crisis after another for me to deal with. Big stuff.. husband had a huge surgical procedure.. with complications that required another trip to the Operating Room a mere 3 months after the first surgery. Then he had an additional completely different health scare... but we had to get the appt with a specialist.. (right before Christmas) get an appt for a biopsy (After Christmas...which made Christmas even more awful than it already was)... get the biopsy done and then wait... for results.. which were negative.. Thank God.. beacause I tell you truly.. I don't think I could have handled that. While all of that was going on I had to list my parents house; (Dad passed in 2002)process ALL things for the estate; maintain my own house, taking over some of hub's normal duties because he just couldn't do them,in addition to maintaining theirs; and somehow make sure our kids (1 in HS and 1 in MS) were ok during all of this. I didn't have anything left for grieving.. no time.. no attention. I know it sounds awful.. but I just didn't have the capacity to make grieving a priority .. at all. I just couldn't. I had a fire in front of me that needed to be put out.. like constantly. There was no "break" for me to 'get to' the grieving.. You know what I mean? So now.... here I sit...like some truck hit me and I'm wandering around.. just stunned or something. And feeling like I'm way behind in the grief and out of sync with everyone else impacted by Mom's passing. Like they are ahead of me and well, I don't know? I'm out here by myself drifting with no sail or rudder.. well.. none that I can find. Also... I find I'm still grieving Dad?? I mean, who knew?? I thought I had done a pretty good job of processing his loss... now.. I don't know. Maybe it is just different when both of them are gone? Maybe them living in the same house for 50 yrs.. the only "home" I ever knew.. and now it is gone and I have no reason to even go to that town anymore.. I dunno. I cry.. ALOT, well it seems like alot to me... maybe it's a "normal amount" whatever that is...??? I can't focus on anything without an extreme effort. In short.. I feel awful. I'm a mess. And I can't understand it.. I handled everything thrown at me last year pretty well if I don't say so myself. And now?? Whoo boy.. For a small example: I can't make a grocery store list with any ease.. Can't manage to get the things I actually DO write on the darn thing (always forget something..even though it's ON the list) and then I haven't the slightest clue as to where the car is in the parking lot once I manage to get out of there! Yup.. I'm a mess and I know I can do better than this but.. I literally right now.. don't know how. BUT it's Valentines Day... so... feel loved.. cause I'm trying to send ya some... anyway. PS Special (((((Hug))))) to allalone, for today would have been her Mom's Birthday.

Roseann, In answer to your original question... I felt support from my own hub & kids and my sibling and her family.. but.. any others??? Not really. It's like one has the plague and people stay well back. And for the record.. yeah I felt like smacking Andy Williams, more than once, when I heard "It's the most wonderful time of the year." I'm kinda used to people backing away from me when there's 'trouble' (like grief or other big things) going on.. so I wasn't all that disappointed. My expectations were kind of realistic.. so at least the difficulty of surviving the holidays wasn't compounded by disappointment. I think it is just part of some human's nature to avoid things unpleasant... especially folks who have yet to experience a signifcant loss/illness/crisis/...etc. To all of those who posted above me here about DNR issues.. my heart goes out to you all. I'm sure that must have been very difficult. My Mom spared us all that by literally dropping dead. I found her and I know that was real hard for me... but a definite blessing for her and in a way for me too. She once told me that if she could have, she would have had "DNR" tatooed on her chest. (And I bet you won't be surprised to learn she was a nurse.) Drew.. your experience and how you handled it ... heart breaking and awesome .. respectively. You are well beyond your years hon and an inspiration, truly. I know though.. you'd give that back in a minute to have your Mom with you now. (((((Drew)))))) You did well.. so well. I'd like to think all of our Moms are 'living large' right now..... And I'm real glad the holidays are over!

(((((((((((((Cindi))))))))))))) <hug for ya there. You aren't alone. I miss my Mom too. And I do so get it. This is my first post on this forum. I have read here though for a couple months. Two weeks ago my Mom was dead a year. And it has been quite a year. Lots of my grief was delayed by other things.. like handling the estate, my husband had major surgery and another follow up procedure and yet another health scare that only resolved three weeks ago. It's been a teensy stressful to say the least. So now??? Whoo boy.. I'm feelin it... bad. Fortunately or unfortunately.. this isn't my first significant loss. And I know that what Lori responded to you here is true without doubt. But.. I also know there is no timetable. And we are all different. And some days.. one can ache down to one's soul. I know there is NO getting over it... only learning to live again without that person physically here with me. I know there's nothing I can say that will make you feel better.. but perhaps I can help you feel like you have some company anyway. Know this.. for sure... you are no where near alone. Others are walking this path at the moment too. And for me at least, knowing that I'm not alone.. makes me feel just a bit less raw. So your post here.. actually helped me and I thank you. Cindi another thing that I try to remember is, I wouldn't hurt so bad if I wasn't loved so well. So I try to be grateful with my tears too.

Marty Thanks for posting this. It really helped me. Well, is still helping me. The worst for me I think is getting past my own high expectations for myself. Yes it is hard to hear some comments from some people.. who probably mean well.. but.. Those things I can let roll most of the time because most of them have their hearts in the right place and aren't anywhere near walking in my shoes. So ... I know they really can't understand. I'm trying to let go of my own usual expectations, grab new more reasonable ones... go with the flow... or hunch or whathaveyou. I'm feeling like I am totalling "winging" this holiday; But "winging it" is not something I am accustomed to. This is something new. Yet.. everything is new... everything has changed.. so why shouldn't my expectations of me? Things that used to be so important as far as "customs" go.. don't seem so anymore. Things that are totally new & different... somehow feel better than the old reliables sometimes. Small things of the past we will include... but I can't handle too much more than that. Nothing feels "good"... like it used to. But I guess that is to be expected. I'm not huddled under a blanket with eyes shut tight wishing my way into next year... so I guess that's good. But much of this post helps me get through it all. So I thank you.