leeann

Shauna No it isn't you and it isn't out of context. It is your experience that is all and my experience is different. Unfortunately we have had quite a few young people pass in car wrecks near where I am. And honest to goodness.. there really weren't a whole bunch of strangers gathering at the roadside. Honest.. there were no "gawkers", as you say or folks trying to make it about themselves when they had no connection to anyone lost. And I'm heart sorry you must have them where you are. That would turn anyone's stomach I think. And you are right.. how could ANYone ever "get over" such a tragedy. leeann

Shauna, Of course you wouldn't have wanted complete strangers coming through the room you Mom died in. The deaths in this article and the deaths that usually prompt the type of memorials described in the article happened under much different circumstances. These young people weren't surrounded by their loved ones in a nice quiet environment when they passed. They weren't suffering from a long term illness. They passed under MUCH different conditions than your Mom. I'm sure the families of these people did the ritual wakes or shivas and had their closer loved ones and friends about. But.. with young people..things can be very different. What about the kid whose locker happened to be next to one of the kids' who perished? Maybe they weren't close friends.. but they spoke probably and saw each other everyday. When you are 16 or 17 and the next day you go to your locker & that person is gone.. ?? No time to think about perhaps them not being here anymore. No time to think that they might get better. No time.... period. Just.. they are instantly.. gone. That student is going to experience the loss. And they are going to need to express the feelings that go along with that. Actually the kids who passed in the accident..were healthy and happy one second and the next.. they were dead... in a car.. With no loved ones around. An ambulance was called. Cops arrived.(and probably instantly knew there were some more parents they would now have to notify with the most awful news.) EMT's glance at the wreck while grabbing equipment.. trying to ascertain as quickly as possible what if anything they can do to try to preserve the life. Then they went to work & tried their best. To no avail. These young people died.. just like that. They were young. They will be forever young. Their peers have probably never experienced a significant loss let alone thought much about their own mortality. All of these feelings have descended upon them in a flash. That's ALOT for adults to handle.. let alone young people. These peers need to gather somewhere.. and feel the feelings and express them too... and remember. That grief can't be private for them.. they feel it together and want to express it together. And that is a good a spot as any probably at that point. They need their friends not to be forgotten and these roadside memorials are one way to do that. It is a healthy expression, in my opinion. They also serve as a warning & wake up call to others.. 'life can change and end.. in an instant... so drive carefully, because someone loves you.' Frequently, unfortunately, I drive by a roadside memorial. Three crosses.. and ya know... everytime I pass that.. I pray for the family of those that were lost. It is a reminder to me that there is someone out there that has lost and will always miss, someone forever young. It also reminds me that I am blessed to have my young ones here still. And yeah it reminds me I should maybe bite my tongue when I'd rather yell; to be more patient. It reminds me to hug them a little tighter... cause ya never know. It reminds me that 'but for the Grace of God go I.' In my experience.. these spontaneous roadside memorials are frequented and visited by the peers of those that have been killed. And also by those who are trying to support those peers, not complete strangers. For most of these peers there is no place else to go. But they do indeed need to gather and be with each other then.. very much so. They serve a good & healthy purpose in my opinion if the site can be visited safely that is. (A local police dept here actually arranged for a safer spot for the peers to gather and set their memorials. Even they understood the need.) If roadside memorials or "My Space" memorial pages bother people.. I would say to them.. 'Well, don't look at them then.' But for me... it's a reminder of how very precious life is and how grateful I am to be very blessed with the life I have. Just my 2 cents. leeann PS As for the few strangers that do come.. they must have some need to be there. I don't think a public memorial is something that they should avoid if they have a need to stop at it. IMO, they aren't intruding. And in some way it may help them as well. And also, if nothing else.. strangers stopping by are in some way showing some support for those who are grieving. And.. is that a bad thing really?

(((roseanne))) I think that the anticipation of the day was worse for me than the actual day. I found it helped me to just do what I felt like doing that day.. when the feelings came.. I let them and felt them and expressed them. How will you get through this?? I don't know. But I'm sure you will find a way and you will indeed survive. Do what feels right to you. Do what feels most comfortable on an uncomfortable day. I can imagine going to work would seem to be difficult especially since you worked with Mom. But.. ya never know.. some people may choose to go to work because they felt closer to that person. On some anniversaries it helped me to be super busy.. on others.. it didn't. Taking a "time out" day for reflection felt like the right thing. It just depended on where I was at. I just tried not to judge me and I tried not to put myself into a situation where others might be tempted to judge me. Because I knew the last thing I needed was judgement. But.. that's me. We are all different... so just be patient with you, and gentle with you. And be confident that you will indeed find a way to get through the day. (If nothing else.. think about it.. statistics are good that you will make it through that day if the folks here are any indication. Many of us have gone through this. Painful.. yup for some very.. and others were surprised that it wasn't as awful as they thought it would be.) See what feels like a good idea as you get closer to the actual day. And remember... you can always change your mind... after all.. for me at least.. almost everyday is different. Who knows how you will feel that day? Some days I hold myself together really well.. other days.. I blubber through. ??? I can't predict how I will feel or respond... so I just try to do what I can. I try to be flexible and generally plan for a day that makes things as easy as possible for me if I think the day might be difficult. Go with your gut.... and be careful with you... it's a tough, tough time. Keep us posted on how you are doing. leeann

Kathy I'm so sorry you didn't get much support from your family members. Unfortunately that doesn't surprise me. Most folks, as others have said, avoid the subject of death & grief. And I sometimes find that my family, with only a few exceptions, does the same. What exists in the general population also exists in our families. Most people.. avoid these subjects. My family is no different. Yet like Joe said, I too have found support in unexpected places. And I no longer harbor expectations that my family or most people will understand what I am feeling. And like Joe said again.. I don't spend much time or energy worrying about who doesn't understand and why they don't. I just seek what is supportive at the moment. I don't have room in my heart or life right now for resentment. I'm drained enough.. just grieving. So I seek what works for me and I don't worry about what doesn't. I'm glad you have a few people though that you can count on and awfully glad also that this board exists for you and all of us. leeann

Louise That's the only thing I can think of... this author must never have experienced a 'significant loss'. Or if she has lost someone close, and this is awful to even contemplate, perhaps she never fully ventured into that relationship with her whole self.. heart wide open.. loving freely and accepting love freely. Perhaps she simply has never fully 'loved' another. And I can't imagine what she thinks of herself... or of life itself. I can't understand her thinking at all. She would prefer to go back to the 'dark ages' of the darkness of grief? This literally doesn't make sense to me. I'm glad it is somewhat more acceptable today to express grief. I am happy there is a groundswelling of opinion that one simply can't "get over it". I am relieved there are some efforts in some communities to help the bereaved. (I wish there were more communities offering some help.. but at least some exist.) I don't know how one can have a full appreciation for life when one virtually ignores death and the pain of loss. I feel sorry for this author. leeann

Oh (((((Louise))))) You GO girl! The author of that article was waaay out of line, IMHO. I can't believe they even published that article! Your letter?? Beautiful response. I'll comment more.. but I must admit I'm a bit 'hot' over that article right now. So I'm gonna come back here when I'm more calmed down. But in a nut shell?? I agree with you wholeheartedly. leeann

Rochelle ((((((Hugs))))) for you. I'm so sorry about the death and loss of your Mom. Losing someone this way is horrendous. I'm totally guessing, but I think it is entirely possible that some of the nastiness you experienced coming from her the last months of her life may have been coming from her own fears, her pain and her own anger (perhaps with herself) and her disease itself, rather from anything you were doing or not doing. I'm glad in a way that you can see that she was the type of person she was. If she expected perfection from you... I can only imagine the havoc that can cause trying to grow up as a human. I can also imagine/guess that if she expected that from you, she doubly expected it from herself. She must have been mighty tough on herself and you. That alone is something I would think would be traumatic enough to require healing within you. I am also thinking it may provoke some ambivalent & confusing feelings as far as the loss of her goes. She said some rather awful things to you. If it had happened to me, I think I would have to heal that inside too.. in time. I would need to express some feelings about those things for sure. I can understand how difficult it must be for you to express your emotions because of this. However.. expressing emotions.. is kinda required for health in mind, body and soul. I really find that the harder I fight my emotions.. the worse I feel. I find I do indeed feel better after allowing myself to feel the pain, anger, disappointment etc and let the tears roll when they come. I used to think that I was losing control by doing that. But I have learned by expressing my emotions I actually feel much more in control and I feel better about me and my life. I have learned expression of feelings is just part of processing & walking our life journey & our various grief journeys too. Part of just simply what makes us human. It also helps me behave more humanly to those that I love dearly. If I don't take the time for me to feel the pain or anger or whathaveyou.. and express it either in tears, work, exercise, writing, listening to music, screaming in the car by myself, talking to others etc... things can easily build up and I become overwhelmed. And unfortunately.. that can then lead me to take things out on those around me. So, if I could offer any quick suggestion it would be to express yourself away Rochelle! Be creative... whatever works for you.. a walk.. a run.. an aerobics or pilates DVD, writing, singing..reading, watching a movie, talking to your husband or a friend, etc whatever helps you express your feelings.. do it. You have been through quite a bit in a short time. So much that anyone would feel as you do. You could need some extra help processing all of this.. and that's ok. Of course only you can tell that for sure yourself. But truly if you feel you need it.. by all means.. reach out for it. Your Dr. could be a good resource. After all, he/she helped you with the post-partum, so maybe they could also guide you with this as well. There are individual counsellors or groups that meet for the bereaved. They may know what is available in your area. But talking to your Dr. about all of this could allow you to find a haven for you to express your feelings to others who will listen and understand. But take your time, talk to your husband and see how you feel. Of course we are here for you too. But I know sometimes it might take more than just us. (However great a group we are.. if I do say so myself! ) Just FYI on the parenting advice; I myself took advantage of a Parenting Class that was held at our Community Adult School that met in the evenings. It was a godsend for advice and led to more parenting resources. It really helped us tremendously. And I actually went when our son was about 18 months old. So you two might look into that for yourselves. I can tell you are so concerned that you do well for your lil one. That desire alone is very special and warms my heart. I bet you two do just fine. Also just because your Dad or perhaps other family members seem to be moving on.. doesn't mean that you aren't progressing yourself. We all grieve differently. Each relationship is different so each grief will be different. Even if two people are grieving the same person.. the grief will be different. I found it is best if I don't compare my grief process or healing with others' grieving processes. Everyone has their own pace. And your own is just right. It is hard.. but I have learned to just accept myself wherever I am at in this. I'm very glad you found us here but so sorry you had to. Keep us posted on how you are feeling. leeann

((((Datoout)))) I'm so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. This must have been a nightmare experience for you and your family. Yes, I imagine you are still feeling traumatized .. I think anyone would! And I imagine your feelings of guilt are overwhelming at times for you. Many of us have similiar feelings as well. You say you don't want to live... the pain of loss can make one feel like it is too hard to go on. But we all must go on, even though 'now' is so painful. You have another lil one who needs & is counting on you too. As we also have other people counting on us as well. So.. what to do? We can share here. We can get some counselling. We can write out our feelings as express them in other creative ways. It is a hard.. a terribly hard walk. But.. we don't do it alone. We have each other here and others. We just need to take the time and emotions to process and heal our losses. And it takes time.. & patience mostly with ourselves and lots of it. It takes literally learning to do life without that precious one by our sides. And that is very difficult for some of us. Some of us have sought help here of course and also with our Doctors and other professionals like counsellors and also in grief groups in our communities. Everyone is different and will have different needs. But I have learned if I seek to fill those needs... instead of burying them or trying to ignore them.. I do much better. Painful.. yes.. very.. but I have learned also.. I'm tougher than I thought. And I have also learned that I'm more vulnerable than I thought too. And I have limitations right now and perhaps forever. But I can still be here and do what I can and what I need & want to do... even though.. it hurts bad sometimes. First, I learned to walk through the day in pain. I wasn't used to doing that. I had to learn that I can cry at the gas station and at the meat counter. And yeah.. I can wear sunglasses in January... to hide those swollen eyes. But I can still get gasoline and I can still grocery shop.... in pain. Do I want to?? No.. not all the time. But I learned to just keep putting one in front of the other..painfully. "Don't think - just do"... was/is my mantra still sometimes. We are ALL doing it somehow. And we are all different.. so what works for one may not work for another.. but we just keep trying and sometimes we share what has worked for us here. I have hope... much hope for the future.. I have to. I won't allow myself not to. I have to be stubborn with me sometimes. And I force myself to do things... but I have hope.. that someday... it won't take such an extreme & supreme effort to do the small things sometimes. I have hope that better days are coming. I look for things to be grateful for.. forcing myself to look at what I do indeed have and not focus entirely on what I have lost. And... I try to just be brave.. and let the grief wash over me. And each time I do let that wave rush through me, I see I am still standing after it has passed and.. that gives me hope & the strength that I can take the next wave and the next one after that and ALL of them. I have hope that not all days will be dark... there is light ahead of me. (((((Datoout))))) You aren't alone. We're here and I'm sure you may even find some local help near you in a Chapter of Compassionate Friends. Here's their website: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/ (You can find a Chapter Locator on the left hand side of their homepage.) I'm awfully sorry you have had to join us here... but I'm glad you found us. leeann

(((((Hugs)))) To all of you. Yes, my loss is different from yours, but it also has been dampening my spirits as well all of this week. I am recalling all of the picnics (rain or shine), parades and fun with my lost loved ones. I miss that terribly too. Yes.. I have my husband and kids.. but clearly ... things are not the way they used to be and .. I miss that. I think last year.. I was just in a fog and didn't celebrate much of any holiday.. and this year.. I kinda have to for my kids' sake and my hub's too. We have to go on. But my heart will be less than in it as well. But I'll 'fake it til I make it' as best I can. But.. for you all... I was just going to suggest that perhaps.. if you all could.. maybe come on back here and have a 'BBQ Post' instead of a roast. Why not start a thread tomorrow night and post some stories right here? I'm so sorry for all of your losses. And please know I keep you all close in my thoughts too. leeann

((((((((((((Rena))))))))))))) Oh that must have been so hard for you. And so sudden! Of course you would think that Sherry was ok. Just maybe a bit sad over the loss of her companion Daisy. She was younger for one. And yes we humans sometimes eat to relieve stress etc. So why wouldn't you think that? Maybe, in the 'grand plan' (whatever that is), she just needed to be Daisy. And now she is. Blaming yourself will not accomplish much but more pain I think. So I wouldn't linger there for long.. What you are feeling is extremely common however so you are in good complany. Marty posted a link to an article called "Loss and the Burden of Guilt" for one of our other memembers that was feeling like you. Here take a read and maybe it will help you too. Just click here for it: http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-a...en-of-guilt.htm I am so sorry for your dual losses of your Daisy and Sherry. Please keep us posted on how you are faring. leeann

Kim Certainly you have my prayers for her (and for yourself too). May she be feeling much better real soon. And may this clinical trial be successful! leeann

Of course I do not your siblings. And I know we can't choose them. And we kind of have to either accept them as they are, especially since, we would like them to accept us as we are. I have learned trying to walk a mile in someone else's shoes helps me to understand their thinking and motivations. It doesn't necessarily make me agree with them. Just helps me to understand them and ultimately accept them and helps me forgive any of their behavior that may have hurt me. I can't change them. I can only change my thinking about them. But I can change me and my thinking. I know everyone needs & deserves to be understood... including folks that we don't necessarily agree with. I have learned resentment hurts only me. And it isn't worthy of me or my time and emotions. It stops me from moving forward on my journey. Author Gary Zukav's work has helped me many times. His book "Seat of the Soul" is a great resource to help me on my journey here. Here's a quote I found from it that helped me learn about forgiveness. He says what I am trying to say.. really MUCH better than I ever could! So here it is.. and I hope it helps you too. "Forgiveness is not about condoning another's hurtful actions, it is about releasing your negative emotions and perceptions about the painful events. Otherwise you keep yourself chained to those events or people - you keep it alive within you - and you carry it with you where-ever you go. It is a very heavy burden to carry around and you end up crippling yourself emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. Holding on to anger, resentment, etc. keeps you in 'victim' mode - powerless. It means you are letting those people who have hurt you in the past dictate who you are in the present moment. You can take your power back by releasing these negative emotions and no longer let them hold sway over your thoughts, feelings and actions. Only you are responsible for what you do, think and feel. You can choose to hold on to painful events, like a weight around your neck, or you can choose to remove that burden by releasing it (giving it no more emotional energy and therefore power) and living a happier life despite past circumstances. In other words... let the past be in the past, and live in the now moment. You can't change what happened in the past, but you have choice over how you live now. When you assume responsibility for what you experience and share what you experience in a spirit of companionship, that is the same as forgiveness. When you hold someone responsible for what you experience, you lose power." ((((Shelley)))) leeann

I second everything Marty said. Especially the part about you deserving help. (((((Midnight))))) But truly.. your flashbacks are a normal response to an abnormal (abusive) situation. And the meds may have allowed you to open a door that any human would need help opening and in time... closing. You are very worthy of any help. And I'm sure your Doc will have some good ideas on help for you. I'll be thinking of you. And keep us posted on how you are doing. leeann

Hmmm it is odd how we are all different. See for me?? I was happy to see others get use of the things we couldn't use or had no room for. And I know my folks would have been very pleased that their things were still needed and now still being used by others. My folks had the same thinking as I do about stuff too. They knew it/stuff wasn't the most important thing in life. Of course there were a some things that I knew meant very much to them here, while they were with us, that I had no choice but to discard. And yes I felt badly having to throw those things out. Now though.. I try to look back on that with the thinking that Shell shared on the first page of this thread. "They don't need it anymore." And no they don't need those things anymore where they are now. And I believe they now don't even concern themselves with things they left behind here. And that is how I choose to think about their things now. But, again, I'm choosing to focus on the positives. The things I was able to donate or give to others makes me feel good and I know it would have made them feel good. I choose not to focus my attention only on the negatives. Reality dictates one can only possess so much stuff. We can't save everything. Nor do I think it is healthy to save more than what one can easily store. For me hanging onto their things that I couldn't use or store would have been/was burdensome and it would/was creating some negatives in my life. So... I worked on sorting it and donating or giving as much as was possible away. And that made me feel good about it all. I gained so much by getting rid of it in a manner that I know they would have been pleased with. And I know they would understand why I tossed what I did. In a way, I look at your family as a bit lucky in that they were able to accomplish the selling of the house in a short time. It is very hard to try to fully maintain more than your own household. Things break, service people have to be hired to attend to them and one has to be there to supervise any work being done. Lawns need to be mowed, leaves raked, sidewalks and driveways shovelled etc. It is a LOT of work. A true burden when one doesn't & can't live there. Double the workload when one has their own house and property to maintain. The longer the double workload goes on... the more waring and exhausting the whole process is. Plus.. I found...having the house on the market and hanging over my head can hold up the processing of probate. Which in turn can hold up the grieving. And grieving has to be done ... has to be... and the sooner the better I think. So I look at it that yes.. of course it was sad to have to throw some things out and sell the house ( I only wish we could have sold in the time your family was able to!) But it was a very heavy weight for me and I was glad to have it finally lifted. Your siblings probably did the best they could. And they & you were lucky & blessed to have each other. People who are trying to do something like that on their own must be so overwhelmed. I had my sis helping me.. but she lived hundreds of miles away. She exhausted herself going back & forth as much as she did. Most of everything did fall to me. But I knew that was bothering her too. She would have loved to be able to be with me through every step. But.. that just wasn't possible. So it was a relief to her and me when we finally closed on the house. We needed that to move on and forward. We needed to focus on the future and more positive things. Simply.. it was time.. that's it. Life and death... on life and death terms. No way one can avoid that. I'm sorry you seem so very upset with your siblings.. but maybe try seeing things from their perspective.. It may help you feel better and move forward more easily yourself. leeann

Midnight, I'm so sorry you are going through this now. It must be so frustrating, to say the least,for you. ((((Hugs)))) Ya get one problem managed and another crops up. If I were you... I would definitely call your Doc and discuss what is going on with you right now. I found coming completely clean with my Doc about things only helps him help me. You certainly don't sound like you are a "danger to yourself or others" at this time. And that is usually the criteria for committment.. so I wouldn't worry about that. Your Doc may suggest therapy or counselling though. No one can go through what you have gone through in the past and not have have lingering effects that they need help with. Now, maybe you thought "Well, I dealt with that." Ok.. maybe true you have if you had some professional help earlier in your life for the abuse you experienced. And it may be just that this new med is soley responsible for those flashbacks. Or you could have some unresolved issues stemming from that abuse is all. But I would not wait for the next scheduled appointment because I am sure he can help you out with what you are experiencing now. It could very well be a 'side-effect' of sorts of the med you are on or some other reason that he could educate you about. This may be as simple as changing the med you are on. You won't know til you talk to him though. So...Please don't suffer... you've been through enough.. no? Let the Doc help you sort this out. All the best. Keep us posted. leeann

Shelley I hear what you are saying.. but I have learned.. "stuff" is just that and none of us can take it with us. I find what is most important is 'stored' in my heart. leeann

SingleD2 ((((hugs)))) for you. I must say.. with ALL of that going on... you ARE doing so well. I know you don't feel that way.. but from where I sit.. you are managing it real well despite the awful pain. And are one awesome Dad. I'll be keeping you and the kids in my thoughts. leeann

The spare room.... Wallpaper is down... spackle is up and some painter's tape is up... Today was my Birthday. They didn't forget.... I felt them near me as soon as I awoke. That was the best gift & I needed it &... they knew that. Amazing and sad all at the same time... But I'm grateful. leeann

Don, you will... in time. It all takes time. Sounds like Chewy was an awesome companion. The thoughts you are having about her last moments are natural and will ease off with time too. I think putting a dog to sleep IS traumatic. And your feelings, in my thinking, are normal given that trauma. I accompanied a really good friend who had to put her 5 yr old dog to sleep. This was tragic really. Only 5 years old and with cancer. I remembered she fit in my hand when they first brought her home! Cute lil black thing all curled up. So obedient.. food was safe at nose level on a coffee table! When she was teething.. my friend and I were working on something for the PTA on the computer and there she was nibbling a corner off my flip flop. So gentle... I barely felt her. And I watched her grow up to be an 80lb'er as gentle as you please. She was a special pooch. They kept her as comfortable as they could for a time after the diagnosis. And they told their kids about it and how it would eventually end tried to prepare them as best as was possible. Well, that day...we were all a mess.. I was crying, my friend was crying.. and yes.. even the vet was crying too. The vet was attempting to give her a sedative to calm her but I eventually had to leave the room because she wanted to greet me and play with me! (So lovable til the very end.) Her face was all misshapen from tumors and blood was issuing from her noise with every breath by that point. I kid you not.. I sat on the floor outside the closed door of the room praying for my friend and the dog until it was over. And the vet came out first. I let my friend be for a few moments by herself and then I went in. Well... you can imagine. We just sobbed. But... she was peaceful then and we knew.. as hard as it had been to put a 5 yr old dog down... it was a blessing to her. But Don... that was 6 years ago... and ya know... I still have those flip flops with the munched out corner. I still wear them around the house.. and I doubt I will ever toss them out. And this wasn't even my dog! Of course I look back on her with the warmest loving feeling today and I visualize her pretty face & eyes all back to normal and her running with the Angels. But in the beginning.. it was real rough for my friend and her family and I mourned her also. So.. yeah I would expect to be thrown completely off kilter by the loss of dear Chewy for a bit. Try real hard not to judge yourself and just allow the feelings to come up when you feel the need. This is painful, no question. We're here for ya. leeann

Kathy ((((Hugs)))) In my humble opinion.. I think there is nothing is wrong with you. It has only been 4 weeks. I still occasionally reach for the phone to call my loved ones who have been gone years now. I would think what you are doing falls well within "normal". But.. you are in fact doing it. It hurts though.. but yet... you are indeed 'doing it hurt'. You are living one day at a time.. despite the pain. But I really don't think there is a thing wrong with you. You just loved Joel really well and he loved you really well too. And this just hurts like the dickens. I hope the pain eases just a bit for you so you can catch your breath a bit. leeann

((((Deb)))) You know.. I had a similiar situation.. but here's what I learned from it. I ended up being better off talking to the person I thought I had no right to talk to and they ended up being grateful I had brought it up! So now.. I just share with them. And each time I do, I feel better and they do too. So Deb.. you may actually be helping Mom by talking to her about your feelings. It may help her share hers! leeann

Mariah.. Another thing to think about... By having your Mother placed in a supervised accomodation, you are indeed probably taking even better care of her than you and your brother are able to do now. Arranging 24/7 observation, care and help available to your Mom IS taking excellent care of her. I doubt your estranged family members would ever see it that way.. but I really think you should look at it with that perspective. I know this is a very hard time for you so I will be keeping you in my thoughts. leeann

((((Mariah)))) Sounds like you handled a very challenging and emotionally charged situation beautifully. I'm grateful your brother has been so supportive and helpful to you. I'm sure you will be able to find the best accomodation for your mother in time. Sometimes the truth is harsh. They haven't walked a mile in your or your brother's shoes, now have they? I agree with you 100%. Just keep that phone machine on... Keep close communicaiton open with your brother and ask the MH worker for help with talking to Mom about any arrangements. I think you did extremely well with a very challenging day. Take a second to let that sink in. I think you both did really well. leeann

No.. thank you Racheli for your courage in making and sharing this film. Shared pain is a lighter burden to carry, no? ((((Hugs))))

Oh No Shelley I think you must have misunderstood what I was trying to say. Let me try again. "Think positive" is not quite what I meant. Sure some negative things happened on your trip. And yes that does indeed happen to everyone once in awhile. But what I was trying to say is.. I think some positive things happened also, yes? Like the Eiffel Tower and the show you attended. Focusing on those positives is what I meant. Picking those particular things out and holding them up in your mind's eye & your heart is choosing to think positively. Focusing only on the problems of the trip or life in general is choosing to think negatively. You see what I mean now? And Deb about those signs you want from your Mom. I don't know.. it is a hard thing to describe these things with just words over the internet.. but I'll give it another shot. When I say I wasn't looking for them.. I literally wasn't. However... as soon as I saw them or realized something may be more than a coincidence, I paid attention to my thoughts and feelings. Where/who did my thoughts/feelings immediately go to? This happening had to do with what?? What or Who did it remind me of? And sometimes I realized my thoughts would go to my Mom or my Dad or other loved ones that had passed. I would just think.. 'Oh, that was Dad.' Or Mom etc. They must be with me. Other times they didn't go to anyone. But I had the thought.. "I should remember this." And I would. And perhaps a few days later I would be speaking to someone and I would recall something about that happening and then realize.. 'Oh.. THAT is what that happening was about.' Usually it would be something helpful or a warning of sorts. I know I must have sounded confusing when I said.. 'I wasn't looking for the signs' and then I said 'pay attention'. So I hope you know now I meant don't look for the signs necessarily... but pay attention to your thoughts and use your intuition. Trust them. Signs can be very subtle I find. Nothing like the huge billboards in neon that I know I would like.. but they are there if we feel our feelings and trust them. Wherever our loved ones go after they pass.. I truly believe that their love doesn't die. That goes on forever and I believe they can love us from wherever they are... always. Hope this helps. leeann