Charlie

To Waltc & son, I was away from the site for awhile and just today read this post. My prayers are with you and Walt for a safe speedy recovery. Walt is such a valubable person on this site, his kind words and replies help us heal. We are all praying for him to return to his old self. God bless Grace

To all of the lonely people. Grief is such a horrible feeling. I never knew such pain in my life before I lost my husband of 46 years. Everyone here knows of this pain because you must experience it before you could ever tell someone what it feels like. All of us here support each other and are here for anyone who just wants to vent, I know I have come here many times when the pain and loneliness gets too much to bear. Please know we are here and we will listen, and we will understand. God bless all of you in this terrible jouney. Grace

Dear John, I am so sorry that you are again dealing with grief of a dear friend. Our hearts and prayers are with you. You have always been there for all of us when we needed support so I hope you know we all are so very sorry you must go thru this again. Hang in there friend. Grace

Mzzbutterfly I come to this site every morning, sometimes I post, sometime I just read. It has helped me get thru the day. I am at 21 months now, 2nd anniversary just around the corner. I wish I could tell you it gets easier, it just gets more tolerable. You know this is how your life will be from now on and you try very hard to accept that. I am so sorry you had to meet all these wonderful people on this forum. But come here often, you will fully understand the support after you have gotten thru the very rough first months. Everyone of us know your pain because the loss of a loved one is such a raw emotion it takes another lost soul to understand and we are here for you. So many times I felt so desperate and I came to this site and poured out my soul and such wonderful heartfelt responses kept me going. We are here for you, we understand. God bless you Grace

waltc, Thank you for sending us the words to starry starry night. I was so touched by that song because even though my sweet Charlie spent his entire working life as a firefighter, his true love and what he always wanted to do since I knew him as a teenager was to be an artist. He had such talent and painted such beautiful pictures and he loved the beauty of this earth. He could see such beauty in a stream, a bird, a flower, anything that nature produced he loved to put on the canvas. We married young and started a family and those responsibities kept him from his dream of pursuing a career in painting. Starry Starry night were words that made me understand what he saw and felt about life, pain, and how others, including myself did not see it so clearly as he did. "Now I understand what he tried to say to me" and I feel this world was "Never meant for one as beautiful as you" My Charlie. Funny how you listen now ! Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04

kellymarie, I am glad our words have given you some strength, but the inspiration came from them, from the men we loved and how we felt that love come thru every day. I cheerished every day I spent with my Charlie, he made life fun, he made life worth it all. His inner strength gave me strength, never really knew that when he was alive, but now that he is gone, I understand. Words from a beautiful song by Josh Groban I heard just recently took on new meaning. Its about how a loved one looked at life and you could not see it until they were gone. His words "They would not listen they did not know how, perhaps they will listen now". Kinda of how I was about life, always took it for granted until I lost him, but he always understood the value of life and looked passed the daily struggles. I hope someday to find that inner strength he had, and I hope you find it too. God bless you in your struggles to ease this pain Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04

kayc & kelly, Its not about the years, its about the love, the loss, the pain, the emptiness. we are all so fortunate that we had that kind of love that has left its mark. There are so many people I have seen thru the years that never experienced that kind of love and I feel so sorry for them for what they have missed. Even though we are so lost without them, we should count our blessings. God bless you both Grace

kayc I am so sorry you had to again experience this pain of death. We are never ready for these horrible life experiences. My prayers are with you. Grace

kayc I wonder too what loss is greater, to have lost someone you have spent your entire adult life with or be cheated out of all those years of happiness. I do feel in some way so very fortunate to have had such a wonderful husband, father, soul mate and friend for so many years and I am very grateful for that, but I was not ready to give it up and I really do not know what life really is without someone I started out with so very young. I am trying to adjust to a whole new life, I am a different person now and I really do not know this person I have become. So dependant, so vulnerable, so sad. This is not who I was when Charlie was by my side. I am so sorry that you did not have very many years with the one you loved, but each day, each year left its mark on your soul and you will carry that love however short lived with you forever. I know they are watching over us till we join them Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04

LoriW, Please come here often, you are indeed feeling great pain too and we are all here for you. I have 3 daughters and when ever I talk about their father I see the pain on their faces. We too were childhood sweethearts since we were 5 years old, dated in high school and married at 17 & 19. We were married 46 years when cancer took him from me, so I really understand the pain your father feels inside losing someone who has been a part of his life for so many years. The only advice I can give you is to be their for him because his life is so lonely and desperate now and he probably does not feel like he is part of lfe itself anymore. I am sure he is feeling so much more pain inside than you will ever imagine, I do not let my 3 daughters or my son really know how I get thru each day because I do not want to add to their pain. All I can tell you is that the love of family is what gets me to go on despite the emptiness. Come here often, just to let out your feelings, it helps, and we all understand. God bless you Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04

July 1st, well that day was a sad one. My grandaughter's birthday too so we had to celebrate it without her beloved "PaPa". We used to have a double birthday party for her and grandpa, but now the cake only had candles for her. We sang happy birthday and as much as I tried to hold back the tears they silently rolled down my face remembering all the birthdays we had together, and all the ones we will never celebrate, but my Charlie will always be in my heart every July 1st. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 - 10/20/04

Dear Walt, your Jeannie was so deeply loved and her smile shows us all that your love will continue on. So wonderful to find that special someone in your life that makes you a whole person. Even though we all feel this void now we were so very lucky to have had that person in our lives. Thank you for showing us that love, it brought tears to my eyes. God bless you Grace

Kayc I think about that too, "I am so glad he did not have to face this" I would not have ever wanted my Charlie to face this pain of losing me. This is something only someone who has gone thru it can really understand. People still say " I can imagine how you must feel" NO THEY CANNOT. I had a dear friend who lost her husband 6 years ago and thought that must be terrible to go thru that, little did I know back then what it really felt like to lose the love of your life, your whole purpose for living, your future, your only real reason to exist. I am so gratful for everyone here on this site because when I write how I feel inside you all REALLY understand. So happy that he did not have to suffer this pain, he suffered enough knowing he was going to die. Thank to all you for being there. Grace

kayc Our pets are an extension of us and we love them like part of the family. Thru the years Charlie and I had many dogs, cats, & birds. When they passed we were so sad. Our dog the one Charlie loved so much and (Max the dog) loved him too passed away this past March. He really was never the same after Charlie died, he was always looking out the window wondering when his master would come home. We had Max for 16 years and found him dead one morning. I know he is again at Charlie's side. I am so sorry that you had to suffer that pain too and then to lose a close friend, life sometimes sure throws some curves at us. Grace

Walt Thank you for your kind words and those words " I never thought I could go on living when you died, but I did " Like you I was married for many years and knew my husband my entire life so change is so very hard for me. I do not know how to be a single person making decisions on my own. We were a team and now going it alone is so different for me. I thank you for all your supportive words to everyone on this site Just to know someone else feels this pain and understands makes it a little more bearable. Thank you Grace

Hi all, I am feeling so desperatly sad, July 1st would have been his 68th birthday. I always looked forward to it so I could surprise him with something he liked. My Charlie loved to make things from wood so a new woodworking tool was always a good choice. It has been 21 months now so close to 2 years I cannot believe I have survived this long without him. I thouhgt by now I would be so much better at handling this but lately I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into depression and sadness that I wonder if I will get thru another day. Right now as I type these words I cannot control my tears and i wonder if I will survive another day. I am trying so hard to build a life without him but nothing seems to bring me any happiness and my salvation somtimes is sitting here pouring out my heart to strangers who understand the pain. Thank you for being there. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38-10/20/04

Turquoise Your post was beautiful, welcome to this site, we need your uplifting spirit, your words brought me new hope that I can find happiness again. I too had a wonderful married life for 46 years and my self pity of asking myself how can I go on without him after all those years together has prolonged my grief now at 20 months without him. I will read your post again and again to give me strength. Thank You Grace

Dusky, I am so sorry you are going thru this intense painful time. My year was Oct 20,2005 and getting thru that day was really painful. I relived those horrible moments when he took his last breath and I knew I had lost him forever. Loving someone so deep and losing them takes a part of you too that you can never replace. Memories, thats what keeps me going, all the wonderful memories of how much we loved each other. Jack would be so proud that you did such a wonderful thing to honor him and I know he is watching over you. Stay strong, we are all here for you. Grace

Derek is so right, you have given a lot to those childen and the world, don't sell yourself short. Everyone touches someone in their life that will make a difference. My husband also thought he did not make his mark, but my children and I know he did. He was a firefighter, paramedic and saved many lives and property in his 38 year career and we were so very proud of him. We know there are people out there in this world alive and happy today because my husband passed their path on this earth, so you feel proud of the things you did and the people you touched for their lives are better because you were here. When my husband was dying I met another women on a grief website who had just lost her husband to the same type of cancer that took my husband and her words of support and caring helped me thru the last terrible months. I will be forever gratful for her words, she touched my life. My prayers are with you, stay strong, and show your family how much you love them by letting them share your pain. They will be forever gratful that they had some special time with you. I will keep you in my prayers Grace

I can feel the pain in your words, because as my husband was dying when asked by the Hospice nurse if he was scared to die his only fear was what would become of me, how would I handle being alone after 48 years together, married 46 of them. He was so worried how I would cope and go on without him. It has been 20 months now and I miss him deeply and still cry a lot. But you do go on, he still lives so deep in my heart that I will never forget the love we shared. My 4 grown children miss their father so very much and talking about him brings us closer to him. I know your family will always think about you and love you so be strong for them by telling them what is happening, they need to have these last few days, months, or years to show their love and be there for you. They need to be able to say goodbye. While I hated the fact that my husband knew he was dying and the suffering he had to endure I am so grateful that we had the time to say all the things that needed to be said and we were able to say goodbye. Do this for your family, let them know, let them be there for you. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 - 10/20/04

Waltc You always find the right songs or inspirational things to send us. Of course this one really tugged at my heart and the tears came on like a flood. Just when you think you are doing so much better and maybe just maybe this horrible pain will somehow go away you are reminded again what you have lost. I am trying so hard to go on without my beloved Charlie but after 19 months I still miss him so much. I come to this site and read it every day, I think it is my salvation because people like you so understand this pain. Thank you

Dear Chrissy, So very young to have your life end. I have children older than your husband when he died and I cannot imagine losing them. Keep his memory with you always and never let your daughter forget she once had a dad. I am so sorry for your loss. You always think you had it bad until you hear another person grief. I was lucky I guess, I had my Charlie for 46 years and I cherish every moment we had. He was a wonderful father and husband and he got to see his kids grow up and marry. I am so sorry that this did not happen for you, but remember always that the love you shared will live on in you. Come here often and say whatever you feel, we are here for you, we will listen, we understand. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04

Hi All, I also feel the way you all do, so isolated from the people and things I use to do. I just do no fit in anymore and feel like I am on the outside looking in at the world now. I do not feel part of it and everyone around me acts differently. I met another widow on another web site and we have become good friends sharing our grief and her and I feel like no one understands except the two of us how alone and vulnerable we feel. Life does not hold any excitement or promise anymore and as I watch my children, co-workers, and strangers just going on with their lives, making plans, looking forward to the future i sit back and watch like I am not part of that world anymore. I am sure all the rest of you here know exactly what I am saying, any advice ???? I have went back to work, in the process of selling my home, going on a cruise, buying a new home, but nothing seems to fulllfill my empty spot. I cannot get excited about any of these things, I just live without a purpose. For 46 years I had a plan and now I have nothing. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 - 10/20/04

Dear Walt My heart goes out to you on this very special day. I know your Jeannie is watching over you and knowing how much you loved her. I know the pain of an anniversary, birthday and those special days make our lost so much more painful. Just know that we can all feel your loss this day and we are here for you. You have been a great support to many of us here during this terrible journey and so I hope just a small word or thought that we do care about you and what you are going thru today might help ease your pain. God Bless, Grace

WaltC Yes you are an inspiration to all of us. I read yours and John's posts and it keeps me sane. You always send us a song, I look forward to because the words always fit into the pain we all feel. Don't despair, we all need you here to lighten our load and in doing that you are also helping yourself to get thru your own personal grief. It has been almost 18 months for me and it still hurts, but this website and your posts help ease the pain. Thank You, Grace