Charlie

Kayc, Your reply to Walt hit home for me. Learning to grieve and help others has come home to us. When my husband died a year ago my youngest daughter did all she could for me to help me get thru this loss we both endured. Now her husband has told her he does not love her anymore and wants out of their marriage. She loves him dearly and is suffering a lot of pain. I am doing all I can for her to help her thru this just like she was there for me a year ago. She said to me " Maybe Gods work we do not understand at first, because I could not believe he took my wonderful dad, but now that I am suffering a different kind of loss, you are able to help me in a way no one else could ever understand, maybe that was Gods plan" I was so taken back by her words because she never looked to God like this before. Gave me a lot of faith. Just wanted to share that with you all. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 - 10/20/04

MartyT, Thank you for your reply to WaltC post. I never really thought about it that way, losing a limb or accepting this loss. I do not accept it and I know I never will, you just move on with your life without them and try to make each day as meaningful as you can. It has been 1 year for me but the pain is still so fresh and I refuse accept this loss, I just deal with it and know it will be a part of me for the rest of my life. I try now to look back on our life together and remember all the good and happy times and feel so forever gratful that I was lucky enough to have such a good man and husband for all of 46 years. This gives me peace and just knowing he would not want me to forever grieve makes me take each day, one day at a time. Grace

Well I attended the wonderful ceremony that Hospice of the Valley put on. It was a great tribute for our loved ones. Pictures of them were projected onto a large screen in a beautiful, serene park here in Phoenix, while music played. I could have not been more proud to see the picture of my beloved husband on that screen, and of course my children and I cried when we saw him. All the people there suffering with their losses, we felt for them and watched as each picture appeared knowing that person was someone who was dearly loved. It was an inspiring place to be and we plan on attending each every year to honor the memory of my husband and my childrens father. I want to personally thank Hospice of the Valley for the kind and caring treatment they gave my husband during his last days. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04

Hospice of the Valley's Light up a life event, is anyone on this site going to attend?? We sent in my husbands picture and will be attending the photographic tribute this coming Nov 20 at 6:00 pm at Steele Indian School Park. Just wondered if anyone who visits this site is going. I would not miss it, to celebrate my loved ones life. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04

Let me add my thank you's to Waltc also. Your post help us all to get thru this agony we all share. Sharing is what we are all doing, sharing our grief so it is not so painfull all alone on this journey. None of us want to be here, but if we have to then being here for each other on the bad days, and there are many, helps us to cope. Deb, I too have a voice from the grave that I play over an over in my car. We have on the visor a small recorder that you can leave short messages on. A few weeks before he died, my charlie reached over as I was driving and spoke into it. He said "Grace, I love you, bye" I think he knew it would bring comfort to me, thats why he did it then. When I am driving and feeling especially lonely and sad I press that recorder and listen to his voice. I know he is with me at that moment and it gives me peace. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04

Dear Deb, I feel your pain. I lost my beloved husband 1 year ago on Oct 20, 2004 and the first couple of weeks you are so numb you can't believe what has just happened to your life. We are here for you, all of us on this site have lost a loved one and know what that agonizing pain really is. It will get easier to bear the months ahead but only you can know your own personal pain. Like Waltc has said, take one breath at a time, one hour, one day and with each breath you will get thru this. I am so sorry that you had to come to this site, like all of us here, none of us want to be here, but we are here for each other to help ease some of this horrible pain that is sometimes so unbearable. Many times I came here in so much pain I thought I would not get thru the day, but the great people who visit and post here are so caring and kind, you are not alone. We are here for you. Hugs to you, Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04

Dear Walt c I come to this board to read your thoughts. You always inspire and give us hope. I really feel truly blessed that I had 46 wonderful years with my husband and each and every one of them were happy beyond compare. I am trying to remember that when I get sad and lonely and it helps to get me out of my depression. Your words of hope for the future help to get thru the day. One day at a time. Your Jeannie was a very fortunate woman to have such a caring man. Thank you again for your words of encouragement. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38-10/20/04

Oct 20, 2004, that was the day I lost him and my life ended. I am sitting here tonight wondering how I will get thru tomorrow, remebering each horrible momment as I watched him take his last breath and enter a whole other world without me. How does this time pass and I still cannot believe that I am going it alone. I am scared to enter another year still alone, still trying to understand what has happened, still in so much pain. As I enter into this second year I pray it will get easier. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04

WaltC That wonderful song was played at my brothers funeral 5 years ago. He was a trucker and his sons worked for him. His son played that song for his dad because my brother was an outgoing, funloving guy and his son was so glad they did not know he would die so suddenly. He was driving his 18wheeler on a road outside Michigan when he had his fatal heart attack. He pulled his rig off the highway so he would not take other lives and ended up in a ditch. Your posting of that song brought back that day and reminded me of how we should live our life today because we never know when our time will come. We should live our life like it is our last day on earth.

Dear Kayc Do not feel that anything you said made me lose faith, I am like you unsure of my feelings and beliefs these days. I guess because I had so many wonderful years with a very loving, caring man and losing him has caused me to wonder about Gods reasons why he takes some people. Losing my husband was the most terrible thing that has ever happened in my life and then to lose that poor little innocent puppy that didn't even have a chance at life was very unnerving for me. I never really ever thought about life without my husband, I thought we would grow old together and I ask God alot "Why did you take him from me" I try to think that God felt he had done all he needed to do in this life. Many times my husband used to say "all the things and places we moved in our life was for a purpose, so our kids could meet their future husbands and the future grandkids would be born and now that is done what does he have in store for us" Little did we know that after all that was done, there would be no us and God would take him. Those words he used to say are in my head while my heart is broken. Please do not feel anything you said made me wonder about God, those feelings were already inside.

Kayc, Your words "does God hate me or something" hit me like a bolt of lightning. I ask myself that every day and then this weekend I really started to believe it. I bought myself a little toy poodle 3 weeks ago, just wanted something to love and hold beside me. She got very sick on Friday and I took her to the Vet Saturday morning, she died Sunday night of a virus her little body just could not fight. I buried her this morning, just a month short of a year that I buried my husband. I am afraid to love anything, is God punishing me, why is he taking away the things I love. The vet told me Sunday night to take her home, there was nothing they could do to save her. I wrapped her little 1lb body in a blanket and held her in my arms until she took her last breath. The same feelings of lost and despair flooded me watching her die the way I watched my sweet husband take his last breath in my arms. How could this God be so cruel. Why does he take the lives of the good and inocent. I am wondering as you are "DOES GOD HATE ME" Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04

I really agree with you that moving on is not what we all want to do. There will never be closure for me, acceptance maybe, but I will never move on because my life stopped the day he took his last breath. I really never knew what real pain was. I had a wonderful marriage for 46 years, 4 wonderful children who gave my life purpose and put so much joy into my life. I really never knew heartache until now and this pain is so unrelentless that I wonder how long l can hold out. I wish I could have some acceptance of his death, but I still find my self crying out "I want my life back" " I want it the way it was" Deep down inside I know that will never happen, so to talk about closure for me is unacceptable. Closure will come for me when I take my last breath and join him. I live by a phrase in a song by Vince Gill "Trying to get over you, it will take dying to get it done" My LIfe, MY love, My everything, You are just a breath away Only you 7/1/38- 10/20/04 Grace

We have a lot in common, my husband was a firefighter/paramedic most of his adult life and he also died in Oct, 2004. My son-in-law is the fire chief of a city here in Arizona and he had prepared for me a fire fighters funeral for my husband. Bag pipes, last bell and all. He would have been so proud to see so many of his fireman friends and coworkers come to say their goodbys. Even though cancer took him he was always the hero to me and my children and he loved being a fireman and helping people. That is why our last tribute to him was to give him this honarable farewell. Not a day goes by that I do not miss him with all my heart. My husband was just 66 when life was cut short for him. He never really had the time to enjoy retirement as the cancer took him down. I will miss him forever. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04

kayc I truly agree, there is no other man on this earth that could ever take the place of my wonderful husband. He was kind, caring, and would do anything for me to make me happy for over 46 years. I will never stop loving him until the day I die and join him. I am happy for others who can go on with their lives and rebuild another life, but I would not and could not ever rebuild without him. When he was ill he always said you will move on and start a new life without me, he was so wrong. My life was him, now I just go thru the motions of having a life and really only look forward to when God feels it is time for me to join him. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04

kayc All your words are so true. That is exactly how I am feeling these days, and like you my grown son is missing his dad more each day. It will be 9 months now and the year date of his death is fast approaching and I wonder how me and my children are going to deal with it. This empty feeling inside never goes away. I feel your pain because I have the same feeling of loss. My prayers are with you Grace

Dear Kayc It has been 9 months for me now and the pain and emptiness still haunts me at times. I decided to go back to work, part time at first but now I am working a full time job, 80 hours a week and my mind is busy with other things and I only have moments during the working day where it all comes home to me again. This job was a godsend because before I started working the whole entire day was filled with grief. I am at a new job where no one knew me before and that makes it easier because they do not relate to me as a married person so it sometimes is easier to deal with being alone now. My suggestion is to keep busy, keep your mind busy and when the pain hits, and it will, it won't be such a constant thing. I try to get thru each day, one day at a time and not worry anymore about tomorrow. Maybe working or volunteering might be the answer for you also. Just a thought. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 01/20/04

Kay C, Your post hits home. Those are my feeling too. My whole life was my husband. We were very private people who enjoyed each others company and now here alone without him life really has no meaning anymore. I would not wish this pain on anyone. My husband would not have been the kind to write down his feeling he would have kept them all inside and endure the pain all to himself. I would not have wanted that for him. It has been 9 months for me since that terrible day and I am so afraid for the anniversary of his passing, how will I ever get thru that day? I guess you just do it and try to take another day under your belt. But each day now just melts into the next with no purpose to go on except I do not wish any more pain on my children. Your words spoke for so many of us.

Wow, that was a tear jerker, starting crying half way thru it. Thanks to much for sharing

Dear Walt, We all feel your pain. I lost my husband of 46 years on Oct 20, 2004 to cancer. I cannot tell you it will get better, I can only tell you we go on. Fathers day was especially painful for my children and July 1 would have been my husbands 67 birthday. I am dreading that day. I try to take it one day at a time, but often wonder were my life is going now and how do I continue this thing alone. We just do it, so hang in there, we understand your grief. Your friend on this journey Grace

ERin & Spela, you said it all. I have had so many people say to me"You look great, you lost weight, how did you do it" !!! Well lose the love of your life for 46 years and believe me food and the thought of food makes you sick to your stomach. I too lost over 35 lbs and I am not OKAY. Why do people ask you how are you doing? You are grieveing and in lot of pain, thats how your doing. And dating, how could I ever think of dating, I was 15 years old when we met, married at 17 and had a wonderful life together, no one on this earth could ever take his place, no one would care about me and do anything to make my life better than my Charlie. When you meet and marry your soul mate it is forever, at least for me. LIke you said, you cannot pack away those memeories like an old sweater, they haunt you daily and you cry out to have them back. Still now after 7 months I cannot believe I will ever see his face, touch him or hear his voice again, I sometimes cry out his name in hopes he will answer, but the room is silent and I am so aware that I am alone now forever. Who will hold me when I am sad, who will comfort me when I am ill and who will be there when I am lying on my death bed, those thoughts are with me always.

Hi Grace, I am a Grace too. My husband will be gone 6 months this coming April 20th. I still cry a lot and miss his terribly. Us who are grieving will grieve as long as it takes to heal. Don no let anyone tell you when it is time to stop, you will know. I really don't think we will ever get over our loss, just learn to deal with it a little better than in in beginning. I know there are day I am so much better and then a day will come along and I am a pitiful mess again. Take care of yourself and my heart goes out to you. Hugs, Charlie's Grace

As I read all your posts I wonder how we all can experience this same painfull feelings and yet each and every one of us are experiencing our own special grief and the special relationship we had with our loved one. My heart goes out to all of you, no one can even remotely understand what happens to you inside when you lose a special person you share your life with until it happens to them. I've read all the books on grief and have spoke to many on these web sites and they are so very helpful to me to understand that I am not alone. We are not alone, even though life seems to be a very lonely place these days. I am approaching the 6 month point and the missing him, gone to long phase is setting in. I knew for a year he was going to die and watching it slowly happen was devastating, but now that he is really gone and the shock has subsided I find myself wondering what my life will be like until I join him. I try to remind myself, If God brings you to it, he will bring you thru it. Hugs to you all Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04 MY life, My love, My everything, you are just a breath away

I think thats what we all want to believe, this is just a bad dream. I am going to wake up and he will still be here, comforting me and telling me I just had a bad dream, thats all it was. How and when do we wake up and know this is what life is now. You are alone forever and he is not coming back. Friends say with time you will heal and it won't hurt so much. I cannot imagine that I will ever not feel this loss and pain. I write to my husband every day in a journal and tell him how much I miss him and how my day went. It makes me feel closer to him and if he is still here and we are discussing our day at the dinner table like we used to do. Nights are the worst, going to bed alone, looking at his side of the bed and knowing he will not be lay there and I will not see him when I awake. A lifetime just wasn't enough. Hugs to you anne, Yes, I do know how you are feeling. Grace

Identity crisis, thats what I feel, thanks for the explanation. I do not know who I am anymore, I was always Grace, in the Charlie & Grace of life. Now I am no one. I am just a lonely, lost, vulnerable, sole, wondering what life is all about and where mine is going these days. I feel no purpose, no reason to go on or even enjoy little things anymore. After 5 months of having him gone I thought I would be bettter adjusted, but I feel more pain now then when I lost him. I cry now most every night and try to put on this brave front for my children and co-workers, they all tell me how good I am doing, they should only know what I am like when I am alone with my thoughts. I have no identity anymore. Who am I and where am I going??? Thanks for listening Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04 My life, My love, My everything, you are just a breath away

I can really related to what you are saying. I have 4 grown children and they try to make things better for me in any way they can, but it will never be the same as having the one you have shared your life with, for me 46 year. I miss my husband every day and wish so much to have him back. I lost him this past OCt, 2004 after fighting prostate cancer for the past 7 years. I never ever thought I would really lose him, I just knew they would get it under control and we would have many years left together. when he died I could not believe it really happened. I still have a hard time realizing he is gone from my life forever. I am so lonely and empty inside. writing down my feelings to others who share this grief in their lives helps me to get thru these times. I feel and understand your pain and what to be there for all of you like you are there for me. God Bless Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 - 10/20/04 My LIfe, My Love, My Everything, You are just a breath away