Charlie

Thank you John, Everyone one of those statements I can relate to and I have printed them and put them in my journal where I write to Charlie when the need to speak to him gets so unbearable I need to put my feelings down on paper. Someday when I am gone my children can read my words and know how much I loved their father. Grace

Kayc. Walt, Dusky, Bebekat, and all of you on this website, Thank you all for your wonderful decriptions of our pain. Kayc when I read this last post you put into words that I feel in my heart. Walt your wonderful songs you send us and Dusky your special popcorn seed, oh how that left me breathless. I look around my home at things that belonged to my husband and know he sat in that chair, read that book , held it in his hands and I know I was so blessed to have him. I will cheerish his memory until I join him. Thank you all for your insight, how you put these thoughts into such meaningful words. Grace

Dear Deborah, I am so sorry for all your pain. I know what you feel. I have been widowed for 17 months now and the pain will ease somewhat. The first few months are horrible and you wonder how you will get thru another moment without the one you love. You now longer feel safe in this world, but you will, and you will be able to cope better as each day goes by. When I was in your place I thought this time would never come that I could be telling someone else that time does heal you somewhat. Just breath and try to remember how lucky you were to have had that someone special in your life for whatever time you had it was precious so hold on to that and your love with help you withstand this pain. My heart goes out to this day, my prayers are with you. Grace

Vivian, I fully understand what you are saying. I lost my father when I was 23 and my mom passed away 5 years ago at age 94, I was then in my late 50's. Then I lost my husband of 46 years Oct 2004, and my life drastically changed. He was my other half. I loved my parents deeply but their passing did not change my lifestyle, I grieved and then went on with my day to day life like my 4 grown children are doing now which is the right thing to do, but my life is forever different now, my whole purpose and looking to the future are gone, I just exist now and try to be whole again. Losing a parent although is also a painful journey, unless you suffer the loss of the love of your life you cannot really know that pain and emptiness. Until you have walked in our shoes you do not know !! Grace

Walt, You always send everyone here such heartfelt songs. Everyone I listen to hits home with every word. I can feel your grief in each and every sentence. Losing a spouse who you love with all your heart just tears at your inner soul with more pain than anyone could imagine. Just thinking about my sweet Charlie brings tears to my eyes. People say it will get better with time, but it has been 17 months since I lost the only person in my life that made me whole and I still feel such pain like it was only yesterday. I sense that you are going thru that same pain in the songs you send us. Even though they bring tears and sorrow the words take on such new meaning today. From the BeeGees album "Words, just words, they take your heart away." Thank you for sharing, Grace ONLY YOU (OUR SONG) 7/1/38 - 10/20/04

John, Thank you for sharing this with us, it is so true and we must try as hard as it may be to understand the meaning of life and death. I think our sorrow takes over and the real meaning of life is lost in the pain. I know just hanging on to the wonderful memories I have has kept me afloat. Yes, healing is a way of trusting again. Trusting that your life does go on and maybe in some small way their death did have a purpose. I try to look for that purpose every day and sometimes in small ways I do see it. Thank you again for sharing Grace

Feb 22, 1958, our wedding day. Seems like only yesterday we were young kids in love looking forward to that special day. Little did I know after all those wonderful years together that I would be here, on a grief website, pouring my heart out to warm, kind, strangers who feel my pain. I had a wonderful married life with a man whos only joy in life was to make me happy. He was a wonderful dad to our 4 children and the best friend a person could have. He never asked for much, just always was there for me and our children. We always talked about what we would do on our 50th wedding anniversary, little did I know that I would be alone, without him when the time came. 48 years ago we vowed to love, honor and cherish till death do us part and even though he is gone from my life, I still love, honor and cherish him and will until my life is over and I am with him again. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04

John, Your pain is so very deep at this stage of your grief, now you are really starting to feel the realization that they are never coming back. I know at 6 months I had a hard time facing each day. I am at 16 months now without the love of my life and I wish I could tell you the pain will be gone, but that will not happen, all I can tell you as the days go by handling the pain does get a little easier. My heart goes out to you and hang in there we are all here for you Grace

What a wonderful Valentines day it was for me. My son who loved his father with all his heart had a dream the night before valentines day that he saw his dad walking with a handful of roses. My son felt it was a message from his father to get me flowers for Valentines day. My son has never given me flowers, he has said happy valentines day or given me a card but never flowers. He has a girlfriend that he plans to marry and his valentines day was all about her this year, but the dream made him feel like dad told him to do this. I came home from work and there on my kitchen counter was a beautiful vase with a dozen red roses in it, something my husband would have done like he always did on valentines day, send me flowers while he was at work he would call and order them and have them sent to wherever I was that day. We both think this was a message from his dad. Needless to say when I saw the flowers I broke out in tears from the memories of the past. Just thought I would share this with you all, they are still watching over us. Grace

Things keep changing to a different life. My husband beloved dog we had for 17 years died this past Sunday. It was expected since he was so old but still very playful. He was my husbands companion. When he would work out in the yard or in his garage the dog would always be at his side following him around and when my husband died Max was always looking in the yard running around wondering where he was. Now another part of my husbands life is gone, I feel like as each day goes by another part of him drifts so far away. I am starting to feel like I am losing touch with that other part of my life and it makes me so sad to know that as the years pass without him more and more of what was his life will be gone from me. That hurts just to think this.

Dusky, I read your poem and the tears really came. It was a lovely tribute to the person you loved so deeply. Even though they are gone we still hold them near to us in our hearts and they will always be a part of us. Thank you for your wonderful words, you are truly gifted to be able to put into words what we all feel inside. Grace

Dusky, Reading your post made me think of the last thing that made me and my children smile 3 days before my husband died. My husband was a firefighter most of his working life so my son in law, being the fire chief of Casa Grande wanted to give his father in law who he loved dearly a firemans funeral. On his death bed I leaned over and whispered in my Charlies ear "We are going to give you a firemans send off" He whispered back to me with all the strength left in him " I am no hero, God is going to be so (excuse the language) pissed off at me if you do that" We all had to smile because he never thought of himself as a hero, but we always did and we wanted to give him this last special gift and he made us humble that he felt he did not deserve it, even though he was always our hero. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04

I think we all feel like a puzzle with missing pieces. I know I feel a part of me died when my dear husband passed away. It has been 15 months now and I still cannot put my life together as it was. There are to many missing pieces to my life now, I hope someday some new pieces will fit into this puzzle of my life.

Dusky, I can so relate to what you are saying. My husband died 15 months ago from cancer and my second oldest daughter and her partner are still grieving. My daughter's partner asked me when my husband was dying, if my daughter died would she still be part of our family. Her mother and father have already passed away and I am the only mother she has now. I love her and my husband loved her like she was our own daughter and she has made my daughter more happy in her life now than she has ever been. They have been together for 12 years and she will always be part of my life. I cannot understand why when someone dies the one who is left is pushed away. That is when they need support. Grace

I agree with you so much about the pain being part of your life now. You do take it with you wherever you go. It is part of your daily life to carry this pain inside. Whatever I am doing or talking with others there is always this emptiness inside that haunts me. I never ever feel completely at ease or happy and there is always this nagging pain like a toothache or headache that you can tolerate and do you daily chores, but it just never goes away and it is a constantly reminder of what you have lost. Maybe someday it will ease for all of us. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 10/20/04

Dear Waterbird, I am so sorry for your loss and that you have to be here with us on this horrible journey. Your pain is so new and disbelieving, but we are all here for you because we understand your pain. The first few months you are numb until reality sets in you think this must be a bad dream and you will awake soon. Please visit this site often and pour out your heart, we all have been where you are now and we are still trying to make sense of what has happened in our lives. Even though we all are grieving each one of us has our own special grief for the one we loved, hold on to your memories they will help you thru this. Grace

To Bebkat, You could have been writing about my life. We were together 48 years and have a lovely cabin in the mountains and each Christmas or New Years we would go up there, light a fire in the fireplace, cozy up in front of the TV with some wine and watch the ball drop. Oh how I miss those days. This year I sat alone watched the ball drop in New York, still 2 hours away from New Years here in Phoenix, and then I went to bed and cried for 3 hours. Does not really matter what time of the year it is, the pain never ceases. I also work at Mayo hospital here in Phoenix along with my daughter who is an RN, she cared for his father his last few weeks, dying of prostate cancer, so going to work each day watching death is so very painful bringing back such memories. I work as a telephone operator at Mayo, so when people call looking to Mayo for hope when all other avenues are failing, my heart goes out to them because all hope ended when my dear husband passed. When they say maybe Mayo can save them my heart just breaks. Starting another year without him, he died Oct, 2004, seems unreal, how could he be gone so long when we planned on growing old together. Now I just try to get thru one day at a time. Hope 2006 gives us all some peace. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38-10/20/04

To all of my friends here on this site, I want to thank all of you for listening and reply to my posts, just to know that someone else is out there and understands your pain and loss brings such comfort. I would like to believe the words of Hellen Keller "When one door of happiness closes, another opens" I hope this for all of us that 2006 might bring a little happiness into our sad world. May God bless you all Grace

THANK YOU WALTC, THAT IS BEAUTIFUL

Dear Grace, We share the same name, as if there was any Grace left in our lives !!! I know your feelings of where am I going in life. I started a new job in Jan, 2005, 3 months after my Charlie died, just so I would have something to do and not sit around and cry all the time. This job is something I never did before and I really love it. Totally out of the career I once had. A job very demanding hourly, working weekends, holidays, etc so I am really busy. Hospitals do not close on weekends and holidays. I would have never taken a job like this when my husband was alive because I would have been away from him too much, but now it is good therapy for me. I had already been retired for 3 1/2 years so going back to work got a little getting used to. What I am trying to relay to you is go back out there in the work force, find something new and exciting and try to make a new life for yourself. Sounds easy, it is not, but staying in that lonley, sad place of grief will eat you up inside and then you become a victim too of the illness or circumstances that took your loved one. I hope you find your way out of this lonely place and find purpose again. Grace

Yes indeed, you feel like your heart will litterly break in two. I never thought your heart could hurt and to breath would be so hard until I lost my dear sweet husband of 46 years last Oct, 2004. This is a pain only one who has lost their other half can understand. We here understand your pain and your deep feelings of depair. All of us have been or are experienceing this or we would not be on this site. Please come often and pour out your pain, we are here to help comfort you because we have been there. I still wonder how I have gotten thru this past year without going crazy, I still at times wonder if I am losing my mind when something sets off the tears and for a few hours again I am a basket case. What keeps me going is my children and people on these website who helped me thru the grief. Please let us comfort you. Grace

Dear Patti, I would love to meet with you and other widows and widowers. This is such a lonely place we live in now, it helps to have friends who know the hurt first hand. My daughter lives just off Camelback and 32nd St, so I know the area well. You can email me at the address below if you would like to talk further, and I will make a point to try and come to the lunch. Grace geb@direcway.com

Patti, I chose the name Charlie for my log in name because my Charlie was the love of my life and using his name still makes him a small part of me. Like you last year was a fog, he passed away Oct 20, 2004 and I cannot believe that now another Christmas is here without him. So sorry that you lost your husband so young, My Charlie was 66 and I thought he was being cheated out of life dying so young, but 46, how awful. I pray that we get thru this year and the pain get less. Grace

I am now entering the second year without my wonderful Charlie. Last year after losing him in October, I was still in a fog and numb. This year it is more real, the not shopping together, putting up the tree, and wondering what the grandkids wanted. He always decorated the house outside and I did the inside, we would drink eggnog and talk about when our kids were little ones and look back on all those happy christmases. Now without him Christmas has no joy, no meaning, just a holiday for happy people. When I was 23 I lost my dad 3 days before christmas and buried him on christmas eve, so christmas has always been a little hard, but now with my husband gone too, I have written christmas out of my life. I guess this is where the word scrooge comes from. Sorry to be so down, but now another loss to bear, my daughter, married to her husband for 18 years, now at the holiday time, has told her he does not love her anymore and wants a divorce. She will be suffering a different but the same kind of loss and here we go again, another painful year. She was just starting to feel like she could laugh again after losing her wonderful dad and now the pain starts again. We are asking ourselves, what is Gods plan?

Dusky, Only us people who have lost someone so deep within our soul can they understand your words. I was so touched when I read it. That is how I feel right now, others, especially my co-workers think I am handling my loss so gooD, I always come to work, smile, and do my job, but inside where no one sees, I am so empty and torn apart, just like those missing wires and plumbling you spoke of, my insides are in a shambles and I wonder if I can ever be fixed whole again. Thank you for your wonderful insight into what we feel. Grace ONLY YOU (OUR SONG) 7/1/38 -10/20/04