Jan Thurman

Thank you all for your replies. I just wanted to let you know I slept in the bed last nite. What I did was rearrange my bedroom and put the bed back in a position that my husband never liked. When we bought this house after his mother died I built a headboard onto one of the walls in the bedroom. But we didn't sleep with it that way for long as my husband complained that there wasn't enough room for him to get in and out of bed. They are small rooms because they are 1935 farm houses. So even though my headboard was built on the wall I moved the bed to where he had more room. I always liked it the other way so I put it back. Our dog sleeps on his side so I didn't want to get her all confused by moving her. Also, Teny I hope that you can find some kind of happiness soon. It was wonderful to hear from a lady in Greece. Jan

Did any of you rearrange the bed to a different place in the room. I didn't know if that would help. Thank you for your answers. Jan

Has anyone else had this problem. After my husband passed away I did not sleep at my house or hardly go there for 5 weeks. Then when I did go home I slept in a recliner all the time. Then I started sleeping in our bed. I have changed our bedroom around so it is not exactly the same as it was but I'm still having a hard time sleeping in there. I still sleep more in the recliner than in the bedroom. Why am I going back and forth. It has been 5 months. My husband did not die at home. Jan

It seems like everyone has the same feeling. At the time that this all happened everyone says anything you want done we'll do it, just call. But being that you never here from these people again (and they are relatives of my late husbands) you do not feel like calling and asking them to do anything. His sister lives across the road from me and has never come over to see how I am doing. My husbands brother and wife who we always had to dinner and went over their place to dinner and also out with them to different places have never invited me over for dinner. I have seen them once in the 5 months he has been gone. They live about 15 minutes away. They do call, but I can't understand why I don't see them. They are retired and I work so they have more time than I do to stop by. Also my husbands cousin and husband live down the street and they would stop by when my husband was alive have never stopped by or called. His other cousin and his wife that we used to go out with have never called or stopped by to see how I'm doing. If it wasn't for my daughter and family living on the next property I think I would be totally alone accept for my support group and this web page. The people that I do hear from that live in California, whereas I live in Oregon, are my husbands children who I have always been very close to and his ex-wife. We stayed friends as he had 4 chhildren at the time of his divorce and I always wanted him to stay close to them. They all live in the same town in California so it made it easy to always see all of them when we visited. His ex-wife and I are always e-mailing each other and so are the children. At the time this happened they were all here for me for 2 weeks and thanked me for giving their dad a great life. So I guess this happens to everyone for some reason so we shouldn't take it too personal. Jan

I want to thank you all for your replies. They have made me feel much better. I start my support group again tonite. Also, thank you for the list I will print it out and post it on my wall at work. Jan

This month has felt like it has been worse and not better. Could it be that it is my anniversary month. It was 5 months August 4th. Some people I talk to seem so surprised that I'm still having a hard time at 5 months. How can you get over being married for 40 years and talking to that person every day and being with that person every day in 5 months. I just don't get it. Sometimes I feel like screaming at the person. Even my mother who has been through 2 husbands passing away says you shouldn't still be crying. Thank god I have a wonderful daughter that lives on the next property that will sit and listen to me. I cried and talked to her the other day for 2 hours. Even though she is grieving she says I can't imagine how you must feel because it is different. That is so true. My support group starts up again tomorrow and I am so thankful for that but I am glad that I found this web page. Thanks for listening. Jan

Hi Teny and Lily, I don't know you and I recently joined but I do know exactly how you both are feeling. It could be a mirror of myself. I was married 40 years and this month is our anniversary month. I thought it would just be the day that would be hard which isn't until August 28th but it seems to be the whole month. I am having a very hard time and crying more than I have been. It was 5 months August 4th. I too Lily am gardening and doing what I feel should be done and what I know he would have wanted to get done. But it is exhausting even though I used to do most of it myself anyway, there is not the joy that there was. I hope it will eventually come back. I am mostly working on my memorial garden for my husband. That is giving me more pleasure. My support group starts up again next week and I can't wait to go. But this website has truly helped me. I do hope time will make it better for all of us. Thanks for listening. Jan

Hi everyone, I surely know how everyone feels. Yesterday was 5 months for me. I finally removed all of my husbands (Dale) possessions from our bathroom. It was hard. My support group starts again next week and I am thankful for that because this month is our wedding anniversary month. That will be hard. There are still times that I drive home from work and think that he will be there cooking my dinner and even though I was never late he would always say "well it's about time". Again, I am thankful that I have such a wonderful daughter and grandson who live on the next property who makes sure that I am okay. I work, and when I go home I do keep myself very busy. But there is no way that you can get over 40 years in 5 months. Some people seem to think you can and should but I don't listen to them anymore. Thank you for listening. Jan

That is what haunts me the most that when I walked out the door that day to go to work my husband was fine. I would have never in a million years thought that he would have passed away at 1:20 pm that day. It is very hard after almost 40 years not to get to say goodbye and thank you. But we can't beat ourselves up about it or we will never move on. I guess there was a reason but I have not found it yet. Jan

Mike, it is amazing that not one of us knows each other personally but we all have that one bond. We all go through the same motions and feelings. I know exactly how you feel at 5 weeks just like other people on this web site do. It will be 5 months for me on August 9, 2008. My husband died of a cardiac arrest. I said goodbye to him and went to work and that was the last words that we spoke. We were married almost 40 years. I did not think that I could ever smile again. I have worn black for the past 5 months because that is how I have felt inside. I have now started wearing some colors. I went to a support group which did wonders for me. They took a break for July and will be starting up next month. I can't wait to go back. It helped me so much. There are still days when I cry so hard but there are also days when I can laugh now. I also write letters in a journal to my husband that my support group told me to do and I didn't think it would help the way that it has. I also find that people do not like to speak about it to you so no one actually says anything to me at work. I am just lucky that I have a wonderful daughter that works with me and lives on the next property to me. I have kept busy my doing all the things that I knew my husband had wanted to get done this year. We started putting up a new fence around our property and my goal is to get it finished. I like doing things like that but it also makes me feel good to get them accomplished for my husband. I built a memorial garden to him and that was a great feeling. Well I will quite babbling on. Take care and keep coming to this web site. It has helped me alot. Your friend from afar. Janet

Hi Mary Linda, I am very sorry for your loss. My husband passed away March 9, 2008 and I had a bad weekend. My support group took July off and are going to start August 5th. I can't wait to go back. We were married right on 40 years. I started to have a meltdown again last nite. So I did what my support group said. I took out my journal and wrote my husband a letter. It really helped make me feel better. I'm sure your support group is telling you the same thing. Just wanted to send you a hug. Take care. Jan

I know how you feel. When this happened to my husband I was given ativan because I couldn't deal with what was happening. I don't even remember the week in the hospital or the week after. Once they new that he had permanent brain damage and would not come out of the coma they took him off life support and moved him upstairs to die. I don't remember any of this. My daughter and all his 4 children were there and his brother and sister. I was completely oblivious to what was going on. I have never been so drugged in all my life. But my daughter said I had to be because I would have ended up in a hospital bed. I did not go upstairs and be with him while he passed away and the other day the guilt that I felt overwhelmed me. But my daughter said that he didn't know anything. He had actually died 5 days before but was just being kept alive on life support while they tried to see how much brain damage there was. His brother was with him so at least he wasn't alone. I didn't even remember my daughter coming and telling me that he had passed away. So everone has to do what they have to do at a time like that. It is the most stressful time of our lives. Take care. Jan

Thank you so much for all your replies. I am so glad that I found this website. I am so very sorry for all of you that have had recent losses. I know exactly what you are all going through. It will be 5 months August 9th. It is a tough road. But with the help of everyone on this website it makes it a little easier. Jan

I was getting ready for work this morning and we only have a small bathroom and I was wondering when is the right time to remove my husbands things from our bathroom. It will be 5 months in August but it is a hard decision. Thanks. Jan

Hi Jlynn, my husband died very suddedly also. I said good by when I went to work and those were the last words I spoke to him. Glad you found the site. It has been helpful for me. Mine passed away on March 9, 2008. What is great about the people here they all understand your feelings because they have or are still going through them. Take care. Jan

Sherry, thank you for your return email. I feel for you as you were the one that found him. If my husband had not gone to visit the guys where he used to work I would have also found him and I don't know what I would have done. Yes, friends seem to disappear. Even my husbands brother and wife who moved here a couple of years ago as he wanted to be with the family is thinking about moving now that my husband has died. But I'm still here and would like there company. I have a wonderful daughter who lives on the next property to mine. In fact she works part time where I work. We are very close. She has been so great through all of this. He was her stepdad but he adopted her when she was 6 years old. We got married when she was 2. I know people don't where black so much these days for mourning but for some reason I can't seem to wear another color. My daughter took me out this past weekend clothes shopping as I have lost 30 pounds since this happened. We had a nice day but it is still very hard to go to stores and see other people holding hands going about there daily lives laughing like I once did. She made me buy nice colors and what did I put on this morning - black. I guess I am going to have to take the plung and start wearing colors. It has been almost 5 months. I also have my grandson who is 10 that I have fun with. My husband had been retirned for 5 years because he had had a heart attack 5 years ago. So he had been able to do some fishing and putter around our place and enjoy not working for a while. He was 7 years older than me so I still worked. I said to my daughter last nite that you put all those years working at a marriage and making the best you can and then poof is over in an instant. Yesterday I seemed to cry all day but feel better today. It is so exhausting. Well I have rambled on enough and had better get to work. Write me anytime. They say that grief is harder when it is sudden and you can't say goodbye. It definitely is as I would have love to have told him thank you for 40 great years. I hope he knows. Janet

Lily, I have only written on here once before but I am feeling the same way. My husband passed away on March 9th. I didn't get to say goodbye. If it wasn't for my daughter I would be so lost. She is wonderful to me. She will listen to me for however long I want to talk. She will listen to me cry for however long I want to cry. But no one at work even asks me how am I doing. I think they are afraid I may tell them. I cry at my desk and no one says anything. Even a friend that I have been emailing to for 3 years+ said I can't talk to you anymore you have changed and I can't deal with it. Of course, I've changed my whole world died but I can't talk to her about it. My boss's wife is a grief counselor and she calls in and asks how I'm doing. I say lousy and she says good that's just how you are supposed to feel. I said I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life now and she said you're not supposed to do anything right now but grieve - which will probably be about a year - then once you know it has come to an end then you decide what you are meant to do. I have found that working in my yard is great therapy and doing all the things that my husband wanted to get done this year I am trying to do. Well, I had better quit rambling on for now but just wanted to let you know that I have the same feelings as you. Very sorry for your loss also. Janet

Hello, it has been 3 months for me. I am doing the same thing you are going to work, coming home to an empty house and working on projects that we had talked about doing this year. One good thing with me is that my daughter and grandson live on the next property and my 90 year old mother lives on the next property so I can just go over there if I am feeling down and play with my grandson or go talk to my mom. I go to a support group which I really like to do once a week. But this is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. How long were you married. Write me if you would like. Where do you live. Jan

I'm so sorry. How long were you married to George. I am not a real estate agent I am the office manager/bookkeeper. It will be 4 months for me on July 4th. I will definitely not feel like celebrating that day. Dale was also the love of my life. He was 7 years older than me. When we got married I was 23 and he was 30. Back then they said he was robbing the cradle. My thoughts are with you. Jan

Hello, I work at Western Properties Commercial Real Estate in Eugene. It is right on the river. Lovely view. I have been here going on 11 years. Yes, I am glad I have a job. It is hard enough on weekends even though I keep busy working in our yard. We have 1.5 acres. But I enjoy it. We used to work together in it so that is hard. Sometimes I think he is another part of the yard but then remember otherwise. I live in the front house on 1.5 acres which used to be my husbands parents house. Thank goodness we got most of the remodeling done before this happened. My daughter lives down the lane on 1 acre next to me and my 90 year old mother lives in a cottage next to my daughter. So I am lucky that they are close if I just want to go down and talk or play with my grandson. We used to go up to Oakridge fishing I think sometimes. Well I had better get back to work. Thank you for answering. Jan

I think I told you we lived in Redwood City and Santa Rosa. We used to go down your way quite alot camping. I am very sorry about your loss. Especially, because you are still waiting to see what has happened. As you, what I find hard is that I kissed him goodbye and said see you later and he said becareful and I said you to and those were the last words we spoke. He went to visit his friends where he used to work - he would do this from time to time - and he had a cardiac arrest. If he hadn't done that I would have found him when I came home from work. He was 67. I am 61. We were married for 38 years. I am on medication as it is too hard to do without it at the moment. Another problem that arose is that the digitek recall that they had right after my husband died is the digitek that he was on for 2 weeks that was making people deathly ill or die. So was it that or just a coincidence. So now I have an attorney working on the case. I go to a support group once a week and find that it is helping. This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to cope with. I am so glad for my daughter. She is so wonderful to me. Plus I have a grandson that I spend alot of time with. It is definitely a roller coaster ride that is for sure. You take care and write whenever you feel like it. I know your pain. My husband died March 9th, 2008. Jan

I'm not sure if you got my email response the first time. I am new and wasn't sure what to do. I lost my husband March 9th, 2008 unexpectedly. I know how you are feeling. I am on a roller coaster. Answer if you want to. I did ask you where in California do you live. Jan

So good, I finally got the hang of replying. I have been reading some of the postings on here and finally know that I am not going crazy. I do go to a support group once a week which really helps but I felt that I needed something more. The thing that is bothering me the most is that it was unexpected. Usual morning rituals, fixed me my coffee to take to work with me, kissed him goodbye, he said be careful, I said you too. That was the last words we spoke. Then the call that I can't seem to get out of my ears "your husband has collapsed". The only good thing is that he went to visit a trucking plant that he used to work at or he would've been at home and I would've found him. I would've like to thank him for all the years we were married (38) and for all the good times we shared. But I couldn't and it hurts so bad. I'm sitting at work now writing this crying. But the crying helps. I don't hide it I do it whenever I feel it coming on because it makes me feel better. Thank you for your kind words. Jan

I still don't know if I'm doing this right. Thank you for answering. I live in Elmira, OR on the way to Florance. My husband was born and raised there. Jan Thurman

I am new at this so not sure if I messed up my reply. I know exacly how you feel. I lost my husband of 38 years on March 9. He was visiting where he used to work and collapsed and died. I never got to speak to him again. I am going to a support group that is really helping me. But it is such a roller coaster. I feel that I am never going to get over this even though people say it gets better. I will keep this short as I don't even know if this will get to you. Whereabouts in California do you live. We lived first in Redwood City then Santa Rosa then moved back to where he was born in Oregon. Take care and reply if you would like. Jan Thurman