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Ten weeks tomorrow my love...Gene how can you be gone? Why can't I float in all the good memories we made together? Everytime I remember our special times my mind switches back to all the bad days you had to endure. Your looks of panic, despair, anquish, your tears.......they crowd every minute in my mind and won't let me get to the good memories. I know your suffering is over but I just can't get it out of my mind. I need to remember all the joy, all the love we share because it's all beautiful, so special. I've not dreamed once since you left.......why? I can't do things we used to do together...it hurts too much. I'm so lost without you here. It's not living..it's just existing. I love you Gene! Always Gene! Always!

Walt, I grieve along with you on this day. One day there will be no tomorrow's ....just eternity for you and Jeannie...for me and Gene. I truly wish I would just stop breathing. Always Gene! Always!

I just returned today after spending several days with my DAD who's 81. I have to make the 3 hr drive to visit the grave...to visit my love and my mother as they lay next to each other. It's been 5 months since my mother passed away and grieving for them both is terrible. My poor father would wish me to fill in the void in his life...be company for him. And all I can do is rush back home. He doesn't understand that I have to be here. I feel closest to Gene here. I have to grieve alone. I want to be alone with my memories. This grief is all I feel inside. Whatever is left is nothing...no feelings....emptiness. I thank God my brother is near by to watch out for my father as I just cannot help him now. I don't know how to help myself. I've always been the responsible oldest daugher. I just can't be now. Gene is all that fills my mind, he's every breathe I take. KayC, as I stood with my father and arranged the flowers I brought thoughts ran through me that were exactly what you posted. My father won't have long to join my mother. But I could have years ahead to wait and I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do tomorrow. I really don't care about tomorrow or really anything. My name is engraved under Gene's with my birthdate awaiting my last date. And all I could think when I starred was.."How can this be real?" I'LL BE WITH YOU AGAIN GENE SOON AS I CAN. I miss you. Always Gene! Always!

A song that speaks the words of my soul........for all of us left behind.

I tried to reply last night but just couldn't. All I could think about is if we all could have just five more minutes....the five minutes I was not there to say goodbye. Just five more minutes, five more hours, five more days, months, years. I could have had a 100 years to say "I love you" and it would not have been enough. Those words never could say what was in my soul....there are no words. I live with the unresolved issues...not because I want to....just because. Just as my heart beats and I don't know why. Some days I don't dwell long on all I could have done differently. But at night, everynight, when I say good night to Gene EVERYTHING IS THERE! All there like yesterday instead of 8 weeks ago. I shed my tears, close my eyes, hope to go to sleep quickly, and know that tomorrow will be the same...He's not going to be there to greet the morning with me. And each day as I go through 28 years of pictures I know Gene knows how I love him....how we two are ONE! Oh, I miss you so much Gene! Always Gene! Always!

Walt, you could no more replace Jean than you could the sun. If we could just get to the point where days are filled with nothing but beautiful memories.......that's all it would take to make me happy. What Gene and I have...what you and Jean have.......it's a once in a life time....it's forever. There just has to be a reason we are still here. If I could just find a purpose. I have to find the courage to be in the world. I'm so tired of people saying "I know you miss him". They don't understand it's more than that.......no words can speak my broken heart. Our loves don't expect anything of us beyond going on to the next day. Jean would not wish misery in your life Walt. Gene left in peace....I know that's what he wants for me.....peace. Always Gene! Always!

KayC, how wonderful that you are able to begin to turn this grief toward a positive direction. I wish I could. 7 1/2 weeks and I still can't move. I don't cry all day every day anymore but I just can't seem to move forward. I know I have to at some point. I know that's what Gene would expect of me. I just can't seem to get beyond thinking. I don't want to hear the word "widow". Then there's all this "business" that I have to take care of...phone calls...forms to fill out with the two dreaded check boxes..."single/married". I couldn't even make it through my dental appt yesterday without falling apart. How am I suppose to hold myself together to be able to get out and face life? I've made plans in my head....volunteer at the humane society.....go find a little part time job to start with....ways to get back into the world. I just can't take that first step now. I really don't know how my days go by between sunup and sundown. They just go. Perhaps soon I'll find the courage to do something. KayC, it is good that you have found your path and are beginning the next journey. I pray that God and Gene help me as I can't do this alone right now. I hope I know when the "time is right" as people say. Gene is my world and he's not coming down the hall this morning to smile and give me a hug...to share a day with me. So I spend my day waiting....on what I do not know. I'm so sorry I can't put out a postive note this day. But I am hopeful knowing that you are encouraged by your days. I miss you Gene, Always!

You are right WaltC. None of us would wish this pain on anyone. I know Gene and Jean , all our loves want for nothing....no pain....no unhappiness....surrounded by joy and love. The only thing I am sure of is the day will come when WE are no longer in pain and can be with our loves again. Today was one really bad day. WaltC, I guess I just needed to be reminded.....they are not in pain. Today all I could see were the tears Gene shed that last day when pain did come. Your reminder WaltC stopped my tears for today...thank you. This miracle of love you and Jean share goes on...Gene and I go.........into eternity........no more pain. Time is a barrier only for us left behind. Jean is watching...she'll be there to wrap her arms around you. Thank you WaltC. Always Gene! Always!

Oh Spela, sounds like my weekend. I wish today a better day for both of us....for all of us. I have no choice today but to contact the outside world...car problems. The tears will never stop. The heartache is always there. I don't work. I used to work. Gene needed me...needed to take care of him for the past 2 yrs. We moved to a "retirement" area he wanted to and then the day the movers arrived I had him in the emergency room. Managed to get him retired at 59....and we never had a chance. This so-called life just isn't fair. So no friends around, not close to where our children are, not closer than 3 hrs from any family....just me and a little dog I got for Gene last Valentine's Day to try and lift his spirits. I need a prescription filled last week. Went through the phone book....all I could see is that we were in contact with most of the doctors in the area looking for answers. I can't bring myself to go to a doctor's office....anywhere close to the two hospitals in town. It hurts too much...brings back anger and emotions I don't need right now. I still have days that all I can do is pace and sleep. There is a managable day every once and a while. I have to trust through this site....through others....that there will be more managable days. I don't see happy days ever again. I have to believe there is a reason I am still here, that we are here. Gene never wanted me to be unhappy ever. A better tomorrow for all of us. kind regards Always Gene! Always!

kayc, I'm still here. You are not alone in this journey. Sometimes it's hard to even explain feelings...this pain. Facing each day is a battle for all of us left behind. But you are not alone. Do not let anyone tell you how to grieve. Whatever brings comfort is right. I sleep with my love's picture. My sister called last week. Her words "I understand". For the first time I said "no you don't...and I do not wish this pain on anyone". This is my sister who had to answer her cell phone at the cemetary as we are laying Gene to rest.....actually walked away to have a conversation. I've forgiven her because nothing is going to keep me from being with Gene when I finally am free of this grief. It's Sunday and I am trying to find the strength to go to church for the first time since my world ended 7 weeks ago. I think I can make it. I would rather just stay here in the dark. May memories of George comfort you..........the love you two share is forever. No one else shares the love....no one else knows your pain....no one can tell you how to grieve....no one can tell you how to hang on to what makes you feel close to your love. No one has a right into my world right now...to tell me what to do. Everyone here has given me the strength to know I'll go on...never to be the same but I'll go on. We'll all go on somehow. We all are alone but not alone here at this site. George wraps his love around you! Always Gene! Always

Thank you Walt. The only light you and I look to is the light that Jean and Gene shine on us both. Jean and Gene still are our reason for being. And I know the light they give is bright, blinding, beautiful....two wonderful souls watching out for us....waiting of us. May Jean's light comfort you. I know she is a wonderful partner...the most beautiful part of your life.....she is your wife...your love forever. Gene is Always! Always my love! A friend wishes you less pain...comforting memories, and the joy of knowing that LOVE is forever...eternal.

I tried this week to start doing something, anything with what's called "life" that I have left. It isn't life...it's barely existance. It's nothing without Gene. I tried to do things he loved but couldn't do for the last 2 years of his life. All I found was nothing...emptiness. I even spent one day cooking this big meal I knew he would have enjoyed so much only to find I could not swallow. Nothing has meaning. I guess I had a couple of what someone might call good days....days I did not cry most of the day. But they were days that were filled with emptiness...being numb....like walking around in a fog totally lost. The pain is always there. All there is to look forward to is passing the day, months, years...whatever is ahead until I can be with Gene again. He is all my life.......everything......my only reason for breathing. I bring up his pictures on the pc and blow them up. I try and touch him. I tell myself that so little seperates us now....just a little veil. All I can do is look deep into those beautiful green eyes and see them sparkle. I can't hear his voice. I keep telling myself that God needed him more than I needed him. God watch out for all of us left behind. None of us can do this alone! The pain is so hard to bare. Why am I still here without Gene?

WaltC.......so beautiful a poem. Tonight I'm too empty to write.

Memories and putting one foot in front of the other each day is the only way I get through right now. I go through the motions just like the sun comes up and goes down. 6 weeks and at least when I open my eyes my mind isn't screaming. All of us left behind hold all the wonderful memories that no one else has. I don't know what I'll do today or tomorrow. I know I am here for a reason just don't know why. I know that I am not ready for the world. I spend my days looking at pictures through tears. And I can see he was happy in each of those pictures. He was my reason for "being". It would not have been long enough if it had been a thousand years. All of us are blessed to have found our soulmates. As I read I know there are so many of us in pain. I have faith that I'll find some sort of peace as I can also read that.....so there's hope. I wrap myself up in Gene's love each day just to get through another day. KayC, hold on to the wonderful memories. Know that the love you share with George is like no other in the world. I try and fill the emptiness with all those memories.........all that love. It doesn't take the pain away. It reaffirms that I was blessed. If this pain was the price to pay for the years of love then I'll walk with this. I know the love between me and Gene is still there...it's forever. The pain will not follow me when I am with him again so I know it will end. Be gentle to yourself. This is so hard.

KayC, I talk to Gene. I'm still trying to resolve the fact that after being there holding his hand for over 12 hrs that last day, I walked out for a couple minutes (bathroom) and missed the last breathes he took. Our oldest daughter was with him and his last words were "Where's Evelyn". It haunts me. I'll never know if he needed me or was waiting until I was gone to leave. It will always haunt me but I know Gene knows how no one loves him as deeply as I do. Gene talked about facing reality a month before he was hospitalized....trying to tell me something? I don't know. But facing reality and living with it are two different things. It's so hard to go on each day. I try and wipe away unresolved issues with memories........so many wonderful memories. And I know he was/is happy......we were happy....we were meant to be. KayC, you hang on to all those wonderful moments the two of you shared. And talk to your love........he's all around you. He hears you. You trusted that love when you could touch him....trust in that love now when you need him more than ever. Always Gene.......Always!

WaltC, I too wish the world would go on without me. Time is like an enemy. But the love you and I have with Gene and Jeanne is not bound by time. That love is endless. I really don't like waiting but we have no choice. My soul will soar to Gene when time is gone. I know Gene and Jeanne are watching us...looking out for us. I would not have wished Gene to have been left behind to endure this heartache. I love him too much. I wish for a better tomorrow for all of us.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop the clock ticking on Saturday nights. The closer it gets to 7:48 the more I want to run but can't run into his arms so there's nowhere to go. I don't know how my heart keeps on beating when it is so broken. The world goes on all around me.....I'm frozen in time. Always Gene....Always! Peace to all of us Left Behind full of love holding on to precious memories while in pain.

KayC, I understand how two souls can share a life time in such a brief time as you and George did. As you, I knew the moment I met Gene that it was meant to be....all started with a cup of coffee...an arrangement made by a mutal friend. She lost her husband 13 years ago. All four of us were friends...now there are two of us left. I know through her that this journey will not be easy...and it will not ever take away the longing for our soulmates. But we can hold on to the memories.......I know how lucky I am to have met the special man in my life. I too have gone through the anger stage at a doctor. I know mistakes were made but it won't change anything. I was more disappointed that this doctor would not talk to me in the hospital....would actually leave ICU as soon as I walked in the room. Would not let me asks questions.....showed no compassion. I was grateful for an ICU staff of nurses that treated Gene with dignity, compassion, and all the care they could pour out. Funny about being the one left behind. I have had the same thoughts. I take this pain of grief rather than have wished Gene to have suffered such heartache. I would not wish this pain for anyone....no one. It will be six weeks tonight. I've prayed for help from God. I've talked to my darling to help me find a way to deal with this pain. This morning I woke up with a strange feeling of some kind of peace. I can't explain it and feel guilty that I did not greet the morning with unending tears and despair. Tears are always there through the day like Spring showers. I've not had to take pills to get through 2 days now. I wish you and all of us left behind some sort of peace. A place where memories of being happy fill our days. I look at Gene's pictures and I know he was happy. I lost that feeling with him........happy I don't think will ever come again until the day of joy arrives when I can be with Gene. Peace to everyone out there hurting and struggling just to get through one more day.

I'm so sorry anyone has to walk this "trail of pain". All the broken hearts. Tamile, you write about your husband........write his name, scream his name, talk about him and to him all the time. He's still with you. I woke up this morning and soon as my eyes opened my mind screamed out "Gene"! I don't have friends or family near me where I live but someone calls everyday. Some are having a hard time saying my love's name. I know they are only trying to support me and help me but his name doesn't hurt me. It's a celebration of the blessing God gave to me 28 years ago. Children and grandchildren..........you'll look at them and see pieces of your husband in each of them.....a smile, a glimmer in the way their eyes sparkle, the way they walk or talk......their personalities. My grandchildren will always know how wonderful a man Gene is. All of us are in pain. But write. This site helps me keep my sanity. There is so much love out in there. Can't seperate the love and pain........they are the same thing for now. But we are not alone. To everyone in pain I only hope we get through just one more day without our loves here to touch and talk to. To everyone in pain I suffer through this day along with you. I do not look forward to tomorrow......I do not look forward to today. I just exist the best way I know how to. Always Gene......Always!

I managed to survive another Sat night. My heart aches so badly....I know this will never go away. I heard Gene whisper my name yesterday. I wish I could just touch him. I asked for him to help me this week........he did. All the signs were there. I've been rushing around since June 11th like I've been caught up in a tornado. The busier I was the less time I would have to think. I packed up my house and put it up for sale. Then this week a short visit to my family made me realize that running was not going to make my heart heal. I took my house off the market. This is where I belong.......here with my memories. Here with time alone with my Gene. Here is where I can cry, talk to my love, be in the footsteps he left behind. And this Sat night was filled with memories....all the happy memories. It's been so hard to get through a Sat night without the remembering that Gene left that night 5 weeks ago. I still watch the clock for 7:48 and it's still overwhelming but I can now let myself remember all the beautiful moments, the precious moments Gene and I share. This wonderful man filled my heart and mind with a lifetime of happiness.......enough to get me through until we are together again. He can't wipe away my tears but he holds my heart and leads me. Gene fought so hard to stay with me as long as he could. All there is between us is a thin veil. Gene can't protect me from grieving, can't stop me from needing him in my life, can't stop this unending heartache, yearning for his arms around me, seeing his smile always. He'll be there when I walk through that veil and we'll never be apart again. These rings I wear are unending circles of love........our love. I just want to feel the touch of his hand holding mine. My days are filled with memories. I miss him so much. This pain will never go away. Our love is forever.......Always Gene.....Always my love.

Walt, now I know that when I wake in the mornings and my mind floods with thoughts of my Gene that you too have Jean waking with you. The rush of thoughts is so overwhelming......another day that I can't have my soul-mate walk down the hall smiling headed for his good morning kiss to start our day off. Both of our loves fought hard to give us each another day to share with them. And I know what your Jean went through as Gene had CHF complicated by liver damage and kidney damage from all the medicines over the years. Gene and I fought for 18 years.........you and Jean fought for 20......it really doesn't feel like it was that long. And on all the good days, we spent making wonderful memories. I can't physically embrace my one true love. But he is always with me and that's all I need for the rest of my life. My heart is filled with Gene. Our children watched us showing our affection for each other all the days we had together... our friends watched....our family watched. They all know that the miracle of our love was a blessed once-in-a lifetime. I will go on but only to wait for the day Gene reaches out to hold my hand once more. Our rings are circles that have no end.........and it will never end.......never. The pain will never end. I will never stop missing his touch, his smile, his beautiful green eyes, his voice, his strength, his kindness, his gentleness, his courage. I am proud to be his wife. I know you also are blessed to share a life with your Jean. The world doesn't even know how less of a place it is without Gene & Jean. Thank you for letting me share my pain as you still walk with yours. I truly know what you and Jean share.........will always share. I miss him so much. Another day of putting one foot in front of the other but trying to figure how. Gene leaves me with a legacy of 4 wonderful children and 6 wonderful grandchildren. I go on making sure they know that they are who they are because of one wonderful man.....their Dad and Grandfather. And I see bits of Gene in each of them. My heart aches . Gene and Jean wrap their love around us each day......I know that.......I feel that. Wishing you a gentle day of memories.

Walt, thank you for your responses. Today is the beginning of a new week for all of us. Your wife's name? Seems like some people around me are "afraid" to mention Gene's name. I'll also be remembering that Sat is not only a bad day for me but for you also. Someone else is in pain. On Sunday's I start a new week knowing I am priviledged to love this wonderful man.....to have shared a life with him....to carry this love for the rest of my life. I know what Gene and I share is magical. I know that what you and your wife share is magical. I am busy packing up a house to sell so I can move.........to where my Gene rests next to my Mother. Gene and I knew this was the plan, we had talked about it. My mother passed away in March. So my 81 year old father and I will lean on each other everyday. He visits them everday to say good nite until I get there. I have the need to be there now but have to build up my strength to drive the 3 hours there. I still need this time alone to grieve my way......to walk with this pain in my heart that is so hard to bare. I miss him so much. Walt know that in this brief moment of "no tears" someone feels your pain. I understand what you and your wife share, what each moment is like without the voice you yearn to hear, the face you yearn to touch. For this moment I know I will go on, not because I want to but because I have to. I end each nite saying " ALWAYS GENE, ALWAYS MY LOVE". I touch our rings and cry myself to sleep. ALWAYS IS FOREVER!

All my days are bad but Saturday's are worse. I wake up in the morning hearing the clock tick away. I'm emotionally paralized, can't function, can't think. And the nearer it gets to the evening the pain gets worse. My heart aches as I look at Gene's pictures and down at his ring that I took off and placed on my finger. All of my days have tears but Saturday's are non-ending despair.......I miss him so much. God give me the strenght to get through one more Sat night......the day my world ended. The day Gene left. The day my shared heart and soul broke forever. I knew he couldn't fight it any longer and I told him it was ok to go. He had suffered long enough and I had to let him go that night. But don't know how to truely let go.....I'll never let go. We held hands through all of life's battles and all I'll do the rest of my life is wait for him to reach out his hand to me. 6 more minutes until 7:48.

On June 11 my husband, Gene, lost his long battle with CHF. We knew this would happen one day...I would be left behind without him. We talked about it, facing reality but continued to fight together for every extra day. My heart aches...my soul aches....I miss him so much. We had 28 wonderful, beautiful years of experiences walking though life hand and hand. And all I want is just one more day with him. We spent that last 12 hrs sharing memories, sharing kisses from under the oxygen mask, holding hands, just being together. During the moments when he slipped into a dream he'd reach out into the air....said he was picking yellow flowers for his baby.....he picked me a life-time of yellow flowers that last day. I force myself each day to get up and put one foot in front of the other. Not because I want to but because he knew what I would have to do. Each day is so full of pain. I've lost a child....lost my mother this March....but THIS pain is so much deeper. I start out each day reliving that last day.....wanting more time. And also reliving the struggle he put up that last day. I live with the guilt of walking out for just a moment to think about a decision and loosing him in that couple of minutes. He asked for me and I wasn't there....we were 4 breathes away from each other after 12 hrs. I'm so tired of everyone saying how strong I am and that will get me through this. I'm tired of "being strong". I'm so lost and I miss him.