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WaltC...just got back from attending church with my Dad. All I did was ask this all through the service. I need an answer just as we all do. Each day is just going through the motions. It's not being lonely...I'm not...it's being alone without Gene ...you without Jean. I just got back into town yesterday and "I DO BELIEVE". I've only learned one new thing....whatever I feel, anytime, anywhere is ok and I don't give a dern what anyone thinks. No one understands like we here at this site. WaltC...I hope the sun shines tomorrow. I look at the stars at night and think of Gene and remember that all the little twinkling lights must be lit for all our angels looking after us. I know in my heart that we are all loved and being watched after. Forever goes to eternity. For now each day is empty..just time passing. Sometimes passing with a little ease....sometimes passing long and dark. God give us strength to pass one more day. Always Gene! Always!

I haven't abandoned this site. It's just been a hard week. Can't find comfort anywhere. Even in church this morning it felt as if God had disappeared. It's no good saying what I want....I can't have my Gene. This emptiness consumes every minute. All I want is to go to sleep and just not wake up. At least that would be peace. Time is so curel without......! I've smoked too much this week. I've paced the floors all week. I even bought all sorts of sweets....boy, that was stupid thinking I could get something out of that. Neighbors drop by and all I can do is wait for them to leave...don't want to be around anyone. People call and soon as the tears start they don't know what to do and then they cut it short. I don't want to talk anyway. His scent is gone so I pull out his aftershave. So much for two steps back........the pain is always. I can see the world going on out my window and I just don't want any part of it. Maybe this week I'll be able to take one step forward again. I've been thinking of all of you this week hoping no one else is journeying backwards. Wishing Serenity for all of you wonderful people. I miss you Gene! I love you Gene! Always my love! Always!

How beautiful WaltC.

I too haven't been able to be of much support lately. Haven't wanted to even talk much to anyone around me or on the phone. It's been a week of non-functioning, paralized, can't make decisions, can barely get out of the house. Last week I had planned out a trip to go visit my two daughters (5 hrs and 9 hrs away). This week I can barely get myself out to check the mail. As I looked at pictures over the past few days I wished Gene back...not during the times he was sick but for the times he was healthy and happy...when we were happy. And Why!..kept running through my head. I wish I could make one phone call to Heaven just to hear his voice...just once more. I love you Gene! I miss you Gene! Always Gene! Always!

Oh WaltC, I'm so sorry. I'm at a loss for words. But I am thinking about you as we all are.

WaltC..it's good to know you also are making strides. It's not easy "making" them. I've been to one movie and have not been again. Perhaps I should try once more. I'll look for the butterflies and think of your Jeannie. Always Gene! Always!

Trisha...nothing you feel is "crazy". I've been all over the place with emotions...some I never knew existed. All I know is I "survived" Gene's birthday. Actually that for me was the day that I finally starting remembering the good times...the happy times rather than the tortureous last few days my love was here. I have learned here that nothing any of us feel is wrong...it's part of the journey. I actually had 5 "better" days this week until this morning. I knew it was coming...as someone said..the Grief Monster....the emptiness...the pounding and hurting of my heart. But I do know a "better" day will come again....days with some sort of functioning. I've learned to be kind to myself on bad days. I hope Thusday is a day of good memories for you Trisha. Lots of firsts are ahead...I don't look to them...I just do this day to day...moment by moment. And someone is always here to listen. Here no one does this journey alone..no one judges...everyone listens and truley understands all you are going through. Peace Trisha Always Gene! Always!

Trisha, I am so sorry to find you here but you will find support here. My Gene left June 11. Nothing...no one could have prepared any of us for this pain. Everyone here lives with this pain so we understand anything you feel. My heart aches...actually hurts as yours does. I also was a caregiver and would gladly be taking care of my Gene if God had left him here with me longer. His suffering is over but mine will linger on. My reason for being is not with me. I don't think happy is something I'll ever know again until I'm with my love again, my best friend, my strength, my husband..the half of my heart and soul that is not beside me. Trisha, be as gentle with yourself as you are able. And when you can not there are many here who are listening. We are all broken and trying to figure out how to put the pieces together somehow...just getting through one moment at a time. It is so hard. And I am sorry for your loss. I wish peace in the stillness for all of us left behind. Always Gene! Always!

KayC, for all of us it would not have been long enough if our loves could have stayed for a million years. I don't think it's time....it's the quality...the special bond...the neverending love that two people share....that something special...the once-in-a-lifetime. It's what you and George share....if it wasn't then the pain would not be so great. The empty days are hard. What we share with our loves can't be replaced...can't be erased...ours to hold on to forever...ours to know we'll share past the veil. I've read all you've written about George and I've thought...I know what the two of you shared....how special every moment. Thanks for letting me write so much about Gene. And the more I read the more I realize how many special people I missed through life....how many special people are "left behind". I never said goodbye. I'll never say goodbye. IT'S NOT OVER! Always Gene! Always!

Makes me angry too!

I don't know if I have all the words. Husband...Not one day without saying "I love you" with all the depth his heart could utter followed by a kiss. He never took our love for granted. Years before we met I thought love was something that faded but it never did. It grew stronger, Gene never took love for granted...I never took it for granted. I knew I was blessed to have this wonderful man in my life. Tender...never let a special day go by without showing his love...little gifts out of nowhere...simple things like little notes...a Hershey Kiss on my pillow out of nowhere. Yellow roses for birthdays and anniversaries and "just because" days. A wildflower when he found one. The last gift was a silk orchid he ordered on the internet when he couldn't drive and shop anymore....May 6th..our anniversary. Simple...got the most joy out of simple things...watching the stars together, camping, fishing, walking through the woods, a simple weenie roast, a long ride to nowhere just talking, watching rainbows with amazement, playing with his dogs, watching the hummingbirds for hours. My friend...always there to lean on, to listen, to be strong for me when I needed it. We could finish each other's sentences...we would meet halfway in the hall with the same spontaneous idea. Father...we had "yours, mine, & ours"..they are all OURS. The 4 children are who they are because of Gene...teacher, guideance counselor, clown, coach. All the wrestling on the floor with kids, rubber band fights, water fights. Once he got the kids good. Actually ran a hose from the front door through the house to the back door to do a "gotchya" with the kids. As adults it turned into a personal challange at cards...Daddy against the kids. They all have the word "can't" branded in their minds....Daddy said "can't" is not a good word...you have to try. Peacemaker....the hub of his family. His brothers called him to bounce off of...relying on Gene to listen...to keep the family together...to do the right thing in a family crisis. His brothers call me now...did this week. Family First...always...no matter what. Grandfather...oh, that was special to Gene. And he never got to teach them all to fish...he wanted to be the one to teach them. He settled for just putting them in his boat under the carport and letting them steer and play while he watched. Santa......all year long he'd shop for the little ones for Christmas. And then he played Santa handing out gifts when they came. One of our girls a couple weeks, remembering, quoted Gene as if the words and expressions were exactly his as he handed out each present and watched the little ones. I don't know how we are going to do Christmas without him there to give out the gifts. I don't know how I'll do today. I know he's still with me but all the joy in my life is gone. All the special things are gone. All the sunshine and rainbows are gone. Gene made everything special...all the little things...all the big things. I miss you Gene! Always Gene! Always my love!

Same as everyone else...I paniced. I appreciate all my friends here. Thank you WaltC...the hugs are appreciated and given back 10 fold. WaltC...I know it's late.....Happy Birthday. I'm so sorry it's two hard "firsts" for you. Always Gene! Always!

Perhaps today will be the day that brings a glimmer of a smile to some of us. It's been nearly 15 weeks that my heart is empty. I get up tired...I go to bed tired. I can't find anything to enjoy since the only joy I had were the days Gene was not "as sick". I can't find a reason to do anything even though I know I need to find something to do. Rep1...I also signed a contract on my home. Was a bad decision but I just took house off market and contract will end in Dec. After that I realized I just don't need to make decisions right now. I packed and unpacked a house in 28 days...trying to run away from the pain. Jeepguy, Robbity, and Rep1right....everyone listens here. I am sorry for all of our losses. Spela and Kayc...your insights give me hope that I can find the courage to at least focus on something. If I could just figure out who "me" is. All I want is "us" and I can't have that anymore in this life. But I know there is another life with Gene waiting. I go to bed and say "one more day closer to you Gene". For now that's all the days are. Thank you everyone for sharing.......I know I'm not truly alone. I wish none of us had a need to be here. We journey together....it is so hard. Always Gene! Always!

As I woke to another day without Gene's smile, I sat down in front of my pc as I do each day. I can not explain the panic as I saw the site down. To everyone here...THANK YOU. I would loose my mind but for all here and so saddened by the pain that connects us all. Somehow I survived Gene's birthday on Thursday. I did as my sister suggested...honored my love. I sat outside early before the sun came up and stared at the big sky of stars. It was what Gene and I did for years...marveled at the beauty of the stars. And as I watched a cluster of stars twinkling by themselves I knew Gene was watching too. I know he was not watching through tears as I was. I wish it had stayed dark all day. The stars left that day just as Gene left June 11. But I wish they had stayed a little longer. I love you Gene. I miss you Gene. Always Gene! Always!

Goldsunshine....I lost my wonderful husband, my heart and soul on June 11, 2005. I do not know what moving on is nor do I know if I really want to. All of us here "left behind" just try and make it through one day at a time. And we all need to pour out our feelings...get through the pain each day. So you will find us here to listen.......I don't know what I would have done without the people at this site. I am sorry for your loss. WaltC...my thoughts are with you and Jeannie. Always Gene! Always!

WaltC, You and Jeannie will be in my thoughts near my heart on Monday. I hope along with the grief, the tears, you have moments of special wonderful memories. The good memories of his smiles is all that got me through on Thursday. It will always be lonely without our loves. LOVE IS FOREVER. I will be thinking of you and Jean. Always Gene! Always!

I am so sorry that "we" are finding ourselves at this site. I am so very grateful for all the sharing that we find here...sharing has saved my sanity. We all share the deep hole left in our hearts. The ups and downs of day to day are so draining. I did not think I would survive Thursday...Gene's birthday....the first that we are not in each others arms. Again it was not through will that the day passed....it just did. Happiness does not reside in this house but I do feel surrounded by Gene's love....I can feel it wrapped around me. Nothing else matters except that feeling. I do not know if better is something I'll ever get to. I do not even know what better is. I could not have endured the past 3 months without the support I have found here, the wonderful people, all of us in pain...our worlds are empty. I am grateful for the support and hope in some way at some time I've been able to give back the support. All any of us can do is take "today" as it comes and we have more days of tears and heartache that never goes away. KayC...for the first time I've been able to reach deep beyond the pain to get to the good memories. Barb- cry, yell, scream, vent...whatever you need to do we are here and we do not go through this alone at this site. Bad days, worse days, empty days, we all understand each others pain. And each day is different..some harder..some easier. I miss you Gene! Always Gene! Always!

WALTC, I WISH I HAD THE COURAGE AND STRENGTH YOU HAVE TODAY TO ATTEND THIS MEMORIAL SERVICE. I KNOW JEANNIE IS WITH YOU AND PROUD OF YOU. I HAVE GROWN TO KNOW JEANNIE THROUGH YOUR WRITINGS AND HER WILL IS STILL SO STRONG IN YOU. I KNOW IN MY HEART THAT PEOPLE HAVE SURVIVED THIS JOURNEY SINCE GOD CREATED MAN. I HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT HOW YET. NOT ONE DAY IN OURS LIVES DID GENE EVER TELL ME WHAT TO DO...I NEVER TOLD HIM WHAT TO DO....WE HAD A DEEP RESPECT FOR EACH OTHER. I NEED HIM NOW TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO. I'M SO TIRED OF MY HEAD TELLING ME TO DO THINGS AND MY HEART IS TOO BROKEN TO DO ANYTHING MOST DAYS. I ADMIRE YOUR COURAGE WALT AND YOUR TENDERNESS IN HONORING JEANNIE. LOVE IS FOREVER FOR ALL OF US LEFT BEHIND. HAPPY BIRTHDAY WALT. I'M PACKING UP AFTER I SEND THIS. I CAN HONOR MY MOTHER AND GENE BY GIVING MY DAD WHAT HE NEEDS RIGHT NOW. AND PERHAPS I'LL FIND SOMETHING I NEED ALSO. FOR YOU MAMA FOR YOU GENE ALWAYS GENE! ALWAYS!

How cruel for anyone to assume any of us would be "relieved" that we don't have Gene, Jean, and George with us. One woman last week told me she understood what I was going through that she lost her husband years ago but remarried at age 70. I am happy for her.........it will not be for me. I am married now. Gene is always my husband. Gene is the love of my life. Gene is my life. My life left June 11.....what's left is breathing...putting one foot in front of the other each day and going nowhere. It doesn't matter what other people say. No one can understand the love we share with Gene, Jeannie, and George. No one understands the JOY in our life isn't here to greet each day with us. Peace for all of us. Always Gene! Always!

I've tried several times this week to post but could not bring myself to do anything that would hurt anyone here. It's been a week of unending tears. I can't seem to get anything started, can't follow through on even the simplest of chores around the house. I thought I had found something to focus on...something I could contribute to. I volunteered at a Red Cross center for evacuees of Katrina. And for a few days felt like I was doing something with a purpose. Then as I went one day I ran into one of the ICU nurses that was with Gene his last week. This man...the nurse...had lost his wife to cancer 3 months before Gene left. We hugged and talked for a little while and then the "wave" knocked me down. I was no longer any good to anyone. I turned around and came home and have not been able to function since. And this week....I have to get through this week. Wed is my Mom & Dad's anniversary...the first they are not together. Thursday is Gene's birthday.......I just don't know. And then I'm 3 hrs away from my Dad. And then there's the congested highway of evacuees between where I am and where my Dad is. And really all I want to do is close myself up in our home and not answer the phone or open the door. And then the tug of guilt when I hear my Dad's voice nearly pleading for me to be with him this week. ...he's 81 yrs old. All I want to do is crawl into some big hole and let the world go by. It goes by anyway......I'm frozen here in this pain. I just want to be alone with my tears for now. This grief shuts everyone off in my life. Gene was my anchor...family was first in his life. I know what I should do...what my obligation is. I just can't get myself out of my ring of grief long enough to help anyone even my Dad. Grief and guilt will keep me company this week. Gene will be 62 on Thursday. This wonderful, tender, kind man won't be here with me so I can surprise him with something special. I won't be preparing his "special" breakfast. No coconut cake. No candles to blow out. I can't do all the little extra things to try and show Gene how much I love him, how truly special he is. How do I get through this week...my Mom and Gene. Gene tell my what to do. I don't have the strength to do anything. I miss you so much. I love you so much. I exist...I don't live. Always Gene! Always! HAPPY BRITHDAY BABY!

Oh, Walt none of us would have missed a day. It's back to days of tears for me. The words of this song are words I've said in a way looking at our wedding pictures. So happy....so in love....the beginning of a bond I could not have imagined two people could share. We could not see the future to be cut so short. We finally reached the time of our lives that was supposed to be the "best is yet to come". I knew 18 years ago it would not be for me and Gene.......a long future together. I know all of us wanted just a little more time. This pain hurts so much but I would not trade it for the love I carry. I would not have missed the dance. Always Gene! Always!

Walt, Jeannie's love is forever...what you have is forever. I don't think it's moving on. I think it's the torment that is easing. I am trying to do what Jeannie's prayer says. I can accept it because I have to but I don't think I'll ever move on. I'll find some way to function. I feel I know your Jeannie so well. The days are long but you are loved so deeply by Jeannie. Gene still listens to me with all his love. Always Gene! Always!

Is it "learning?" Is it "life trying to go on?" It feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from. KayC, I'm where you are right now. Have been for a day or two and it brings along with it guilt. The tears are there everyday...they come from nowhere and then they go. I talk to Gene everyday, all day.....kiss his picture...run my fingers over his picture trying to touch him. I cannot go to sleep without his picture on the pillow next to me. Memories are replacing the pain. I am accepting what I cannot change...I guess none of us have a choice. I do not torment myself with the "what if's" anymore. As Gene's older brother sternly said...no one loved Gene as much as I did. I always will. I just wish we had had a little longer. Nearly everyday I find something Gene taught me or did to prepare for me to be left-behind...he's still taking care of me. It hurts but I thank him everyday for loving me. I'm still lost but I'll figure out what to do with the days ahead of me. I will always have this empty place in my heart and soul...the part that left with Gene. It's hard to explain........it's like a black hole.....my heart beats but it doesn't feel except for the ache when I can't touch him. I know there are plenty of days of pain ahead but for now there are a few not so painful. KayC, knowing I am not alone in the journey, knowing what I feel from day to day is what someone else feels reassures me that I am not crazy. I know I have to take what today is...I do not know what tomorrow will be like. Your words at this post today.........it's just where I am. And reading your words makes me realize I do not have to feel guilty about not being in despair every minute for today. Thank you for sharing KayC. I miss you Gene! Always Gene! Always!

Oh Spela, I hope the pain eases for today. There never is a completely "ok" day...just little bits of the day. There are days when none of us can put that one foot forward. I too am taking steps backwards, asking why, replaying moments, wishing I could have just more minutes with Gene. All our plans gone in an instant. A future I don't want to be in. What am I supposed to do with a day that starts out at 3:00 in the morning because I can't get pictures of his last day out of my mind, of all the things I could have done differently. I have to keep telling myself how blessed I am to have this love in my life even if the pain is unbearable at times...most of the time. Spela, I wish you and all of us left behind a better day than yesterday. Our angels are with us all. Always Gene! Always!

I am so sorry if I cause anyone one a second of pain with my outbursts. WaltC, your writings always bring me back to a "sane" place. KayC, sharing does confirm that no one at this site is alone at any given point in this journey. I'm still stuck in Gene's suffering....hoping that will pass. I've been in an obsession mode creating an album entirely made up on Gene's pictures...from baby pictures throughout his life. And going through them brought wonderful memories but then I reached the time when sickness became the unwanted part of our lives. And I've not been able to get passed it yet. I realized Gene's heart gave out but then I realized how much of his body was ravaged over the past years. How with each new diagnosis Gene fought so hard to stay with me...with his family he loved so much. Our oldest daughter was having a "bad" week last week and when she said..."Why did Daddy have to have so many things wrong?" it's just lingered in my mind...blocks everthing else out. I look at our wedding pictures and I can remember how happy that day was. And the love never quivered from that day...never faded...grew stronger through the years...through all the battles...and this wonderful man continued to give out his love to everyone around him. I was blessed...everyone around him was blessed to know him...he left a legacy of wonderful children and grandchildren who are who they are because of him. God could not have given me more.........I just wish. All of us left behind wish. I truly do not know how any of us survive this pain. I just know I wake up in the morning and start another day without my reason for being here. I wake up and think about all of us left behind trying to start another day....so many of us. And I hope this day brings us all another day closer to peace. So many wonderful people left behind, broken. Thank you Gene for loving me I miss you so much. Always Gene! Always!