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WaltC, I will never look at a butterfly without thinking about your Jeannie...without remembering your heart is broken. It still is lonely with angels watching....our special angels. Always Gene! Always!

John, I am so sorry you are caught in a wave of deep pain. You have been such a friend here. The pain is always there beneath waiting to well up and try and consume our every waking moment. It's like quicksand beneath our feet. I know 6 months was a crossroad for me and for many others. Each day is a crossroad between pain and existance. But Feb is 8 months and I'm just now pulling myself out of the pit after over 2 weeks. I don't dream much but three days ago I heard Gene in my dreams and managed to pull out of this nosedive I was in. I know it's hard but to have your beloved Jack come to you in your dreams is so wonderful. Jack is not far away. This morning as I sat outside remembering and talking to Gene. I told him I know he's no longer in pain..no anguish.. that I love him always. For a moment I told myself that "life is worth living" is just a lie. Just for a moment and then something hit my thoughts. If it had not been for life I would not have met my wonderful husband and shared my heart and soul with him..bonded together now for eternity. Hang on John. Let Jack whisper his love to you in your dreams. Though you suffer the pain today perhaps tomorrow will bring sweet memories and a smile to your heart. We will all carry the longing for the rest of our lives. It is so hard to just make it through one more day. Yesterday I remembered and thought about everyone here. Always Gene! Always!

Happy Valentines my love. My heart beats for both of us and holds the love so tight. I love you Gene. Thank you for loving me. The wonder of you fills my every waking moment. I'm trying to go on hearing you telling me what to do but I've not yet found the strength to join the world again. I miss you darling. Always Gene! Always!

John...the words "indecisive attitude". It describes my days from sun up to sun down. I thought perhaps it was just me. How can it be that all of us were so strong. We all had to make decisions...the best we could to do every little thing we could for our loved ones. All the educating myself about every little aspect of Gene's health..finding doctors, watching and questioning everything during hospital stays, questioning doctors, creating diets, measuring sodium, calcium, protien, potassium...everything that I prepared...investigating medicines..making sure no combination of doctors prescribed interacting drugs. Making decisions for so many years and yet now I can't decide when to open up the blinds and let the sun in. I was vicious about Gene's health and how he was treated. Now I just don't care about anything. Eight months into this mystery I truly was beginning to believe something was wrong with "me" because I just can't make any decision about anything. Today all I wanted from the time I woke was for darkness to come so I could go to sleep and put another day past me. And all the little losses along the way...little four legged companions. It is like everything was taken. I'm sorry you lost Dusky. I know how your heart ached to tell your dear Jack. I do have one little dog left...the one I bought for Gene last year for Valentines to try give him something to focus on besides being ill. I wanted to give her away after Gene lost his Buddy but Gene said no..I needed to keep her because I would need her. That was two weeks before I lost Gene...I guess he knew somehow and did not want me to be totally alone. She still looks for him. My soul searches for Gene's touch. We all have been given and hold on to a love that I really believe few people know. Along with the heartache I can read about so many great love stories here. And the love goes on..we're only one breathe away. Always Gene! Always!

KayC, I'm so sorry you are going through a rough period. I don't know if the waves will ever calm. And each is as painful as the one before it. Memories...it's memories you and George made together. It's the little things you two shared that no one else shared with George. It's the shattered dreams we all "left behind" are haunted by. I walk around this empty place still asking WHY? For today I know only that the love is real, is still there. I never look to tomorrow. Today I'll survive without Gene here to hold me. I can only hope the next day will bring the strength to get through another day for all of us. KayC...those labels...they validate that George shared his life with you as no one else could know. They show the joy and love two souls can share from just the littlest of things. I know the pain as all here do. Know that I am thinking about you and everyone else. I wish I could wash away the pain so that the memories were all joyfull rather than heartache. I try and tuck away my little memories in my heart knowing no one else has those memories...no one else has the love Gene and I share. No one else shares my memories and no one can take them away. George hears you..loves you still...always will. I would not wish this pain on anyone. My prayers are with you today. My heart aches for all of us. Always Gene! Always!

Oh, Charlie I'm so sorry you've suffered another loss. I know what you mean about loosing you husband's "buddy". My husband's loss of his faithful dog two weekds before he passed was heartbreaking for him. I'm quite sure that was when he suffered his last heart attack leaving only 5% of a functioning heart. I remember the fear as I took the call from the vet and knew somehow that telling Gene would likely mean he would not win his battle this time....I knew deep inside but still hoped. I knew my world was slipping away and I could not stop it. I still try and tell myself that somewhere in heaven Gene and his dog have all the little tennis balls they need to be happy. I understand holding on to those precious connections...all the things that brought joy to our loved ones. But I know in time it will all go away and it breaks my heart to think about it. But the love will always be there. Love is the one thing time cannot take away from any of us. It's my connection...no one else shares this love with Gene...it's mine and it's forever. The love is you and your husband. Nothing can take that away. Life just isn't fair...it's cruel. Hang on to the memories....hang on to the love. Always Gene! Always!

The world may have a new title for me but I'm still Gene's wife and proud to be! I finally got the courage up today to go to the local VA office and order Gene's militay memorial plaque. So of course forms to be filled and as the man went through each blank he got to "relationship". I said wife...he said widow. It was like a train had hit me. Yes, the love of my life is not physically here with me but I'm still HIS WIFE. And I still will be when it's my time to join Gene! Then there's those tax papers that had to be done. I've put that off but decided today since I was already upset I might as well finish that too...write "deceased" next to Gene's name like he's being wiped away. The world may try and wipe his memory away but as long as I am here...as long as children and grandchildren are here...Gene's love will always be here...he'll still touch the world. Just had to vent tonight. Perhaps before I go to sleep I'll find my way to somewhere between tears and anger. I've bounced between both all day today. I don't care about the world Gene....I just LOVE YOU! Always Gene! Always!

I am so sorry about your loss and pain. For me it has been nearly 8 months. You do what brings you comfort and makes your day special. You shared so many days with Carol...it is your choice to share your birthday honoring your love....the wonderful woman that still holds your love. I've found that as time goes on many friends fade away. They don't understand. Today is as real for me as the day my world died. Right now all that matters is what you want to do! A gentle day of peace for all of us. Always Gene! Always!

It's a powerful quote but so hard to do. Tears falling as I reread over and over. My mind knows but my heart just keeps me frozen. I ran away last week....a low I could not seem to pull myself out off. And this time when I returned home there was little comfort. I really don't know where I belong without Gene. I am so sorry so many of us are lost. I can hear Gene telling me what I should do but without him I just can't make any decisions. My strength left the day Gene left. I too am trying. I pray Gene and Jeannie can find a way to lead us on this journey. I do know Gene and Jeannie do not want us to be in pain and they are beside us every moment...walking with us. I just can't see how to find my way...it is easier just to stay in this fog of grief. Maybe one night as I look at Gene's star in the night sky he'll find a way to lead me on. The Love Is Forever! This is the one thing I know for SURE. Always Gene! Always!

KayC...you are so right about living in the moment. It's a big part of my survival. I don't look or even think about tomorrow. I just get up and do "today". It hurts too much to think about tomorrow so I quit. I still have trouble just finishing anything I start to do on any given day. I just don't see the point anymore. I used to be an organized person but I'm not that same person anymore....I never will be. My purpose, my happiness, ME...it all went away with Gene. Each day is just a picture frame filled with memories....such loving memories of the wonder of Gene's love. Tomorrow I'll take those memories with me..take the love with me...take Gene with me. We all carry incredible love with us each moment. Always Gene! Always!

Suze, I am so sorry for your loss. At three months I think I was just coming out of the shock and making my way to acceptance. Bud is with you...always will be. Making our way through this journey is so hard without the touch of our loved ones. As the waves hit and the roller coaster goes up and down with our emotions, you are not alone. There is so much support here. When you feel like you are falling there will always be someone here to lift you up. Write about Bud. Write to Bud. Our hearts are all broken and empty but we survive one day at a time...but not alone. It's been 7 1/2 months for me, living without Gene's arms around me but he is with me always....walking with me. And I take Gene and his love wherever I am. Strength and peace to you Suze. Always Gene! Always!

Oh WaltC, it does feel like yesterday..not months ago. I realized today that last year at this time Gene and I had hope still. We had won the critical battle once months before. I feared I would loose Gene in October, 2004. And then a miracle turn around. In Feb, 2005 the battle began again. I can still see the look in Gene's eyes when he told me the symptoms that day. Days and days of watching his agony. Dadys and days of doctor's appts, hospital stays, tests, ER visits, and on and on. I kept bags packed always and in the car. And then Gene's body could not fight any longer. June 11...does still feel like yesterday. I could be selfish and wish....but I would not bring back the suffering for Gene. Today for the first time in a long time a friend asked me about Gene...said his name and let me talk...someone who did not get to know him. I can't explain the feeling of comfort...being able to talk about the wonderful loving man I shared 28 years with...the soul that waits for me. Gene and Jean do not have to deal with time. It is a burden all of us left behind have to bear but only for a while. WaltC, thank you for sharing your wonderful Jean with all of us. I hope all the loving memories of Jean sweeten your dreams every night. The love is FOREVER! Always Gene! Always!

I do not know how I've arrived at today...how 7 months has gone by since my darling Gene had to leave. I feel him around me everyday but not even his spirit can make the fog go away. Nothing I do seems to be real anymore. I've gotten accustomed to facing meals alone and talking without expecting an answer. I don't look down the hall for Gene to come into the room with a big smile and hug and a "good morning darling". It would be so easy to not take that "one step" and just sit still in the fog and just wait letting those waves of grief take me over. Ok, so I've just spent a week closing the world out reliving those last moments. Now I'm digging myself out again taking that one step again. So many here have shown the courage and strength to continue. You all are my beacon in the fog. Today I start again walking forward taking Gene's love with me as he walks with me. I am so sorry to see so many more finding themselves at this site...so sorry for all the losses and the pain. It is a hard journey and we each do it our own way. But everyone here understands it all. Thank you all for the support. I miss you Gene! I Love YOU! Always Gene! Always!

Oh KayC, I know it was hard for you to pour out your feelings. I've never had to deal with an adiction directly but it was a "sickness", something your George could not control, something he could not go to you with. And I'm sure it was because he did not want to bring you pain. None of it means that the love you share is not real. I am sorry you have to struggle now harder. Hold on to the memories of the love you and George have. If he had been sick for a long time and medical bills had mounted would you not still have the love? George gave you his love freely and totally. The rest was an illness he could not control and he could not share with you. You have the strength to continue...George goes with you. One day at a time for all of us "left behind". Special hug for KayC. Always Gene! Always!

Me too! Always Gene! Always!

"They want you to go on with you life". I think what people want is for us to move away from the pain. They don't understand that the pain is part of us "left behind". I lost my husband, Gene, June 11,2005. Everything we did for 28 we did together...we planned for a future together. It's all fresh from you now Deborah..Nov. 16...the day your world changed. You will go through your journey at your own pace. You are not the same person as you were before Nov. 16. It is hard...no one knows except for those that have to live with memories...live with the emptiness. I miss the love of my life every moment. I have reached a point now that the pain is a companion I travel with. Panic attacks are just about managable. No matter what is ahead of me I take Gene with me. Deborah, take you time, at your own pace. We all will find our way. And your love will be walking besides you always. You are not alone here at this site. Everyone who is here knows what you are going through. We listen, we cry together, we try and lift up each other, and we KNOW. One moment at a time...with hope of peace Always Gene! Always!

I am so sorry to find you here...so sorry for your loss. All here know your pain. It is so hard. No one understands except those of us "left behind". I lost my husband, Gene on June 11th this year. This wonderful man was my reason for living and I have learned to survive somehow. For 18 or the 28 years we had together he had heart problems. The last 2 years it developed into CHF. We fought a long battle together but his heart and body could not fight longer. I lost him once 18 years ago and God gave him back to me. I lost him June 10th while standing outside the ICU doors and God gave him back to me. June 11th we shared nearly 14 hours reliving special times, sharing kisses, professing our love to each other. Gene knew this was his last day on Earth...he told me...he was ready...he had a glimpse of "the other side". At 7:30 that night while the nurses were changing shifts I left our daughter there besides Gene to use the ladies room. And to talk to my husband's brother about just taking him home...I would need help to argue with the staff. I was out of his room for about 4 minutes,Gene asked our daughter where I was, he took four breathes, and he left while I was gone. The first two months alone I thought I would go insane. The guilt of letting go of his hand that night was unbearable. People here saved my sanity. I've had to deal with the feeling of guilt for so many things...but they all were things out of my control. Guilt feeling is just one part of this journey. The support here has gotten me through all the emotions I have gone through and continue to go through. For our loves...we all did all we could...we did the best we could...we did not make the choice for them to leave. The pain "we left behind" journey with would not be so great if the love was not so true and deep. I have learned to resolve some of my emotions. And am still learning. Sharing and knowing that everything I feel is part of this. Knowing I am not alone when I need to scream, vent, cry...knowing that "my way" is ok does get me through many days. Pain is a companion now. In the beginning it was the tormentor. I go on one day at a time..one moment at a time...but Gene walks with me...his love gets me through the moments. Be kind to yourself. Love does not die. We all are only a breathe away. Write and visit...someone is always here who understands. Always Gene! Always!

WaltC, KayC, Spela, Dusky, Charlie, and all who are here.... There are no words for us to ease the passing of this season. I think of all of you with each ache in my heart. I wish for all of us a few moments of peace. I wish for a few moments of wonderful memories that might bring a warm feeling to our souls. I wish I could just feel more than this emptiness. Thank you all for the caring, sharing, and support. I do wish we were not here........if I could only turn back time. Always Gene! Always!

Spela You are a dear friend to all of us. Peace is all I wish for all of us. Always Gene! Always!

I'm am so sorry there are so many of us suffering through this holiday season. It's been 6 months and 4 days since Gene lost his battle with CHF. And I too am so lost...so without purpose....so empty inside. I lost my Mother suddenly in March this year and then Gene in June. They lay next to each other. My youngest son (34) drove home the day after his Father's funeral for 17 hrs straight only to discover his wife was leaving him the moment they drove into the driveway. I have 4 children but this son and I have had to lean and support each other daily. We've cried together a lot but we will go on. Family was first for Gene always. He knew he left a family behind that would hold on to each other...support each other...get through the bad times together. I know your pain and how hard it is to see your child hurting when you are trying to cope with your own deep loss. I don't know how but somehow we are living through it. I've decided life is cruel sometimes. I'm shedding tears everyday and the anxiety gets worse as the clock ticks closer to Christmas. But Gene and I have grandchildren...little ones. Gene won't be Santa this year but I will find the strenght to take his place...for his little ones he'll never have the chance to teach to fish and love life as he did. I am so sorry for your loss. I am so sorry for your daughter. Hang on to each other. It is a reason for you to be here. It doesn't fill the emptiness but your daughter needs you as much as you need her. Christmas doesn't really matter. The fabric of your family is all that matters. It's your Charlie's legacy......his and your family. You and your daugher hold on to each other tightly. I wish you a moment of Peace. Always Gene! Always!

Walt, For children, for grandchildren, for Jeannie, for Gene I will try my hardest to find the spirit of the holiday. It was a special holiday for Jeannie. It was Gene's favoite holiday. The children still remember Gene walking around during Christmas with candy canes hanging from his glasses. The light won't be shinning so brightly on top of the tree this year but I will try. I have but one thing left to do.....write my love a special Christmas Card. It is the only one I do this year. And I know Gene is watching wanting me to go on to the next day. Maybe when I finally turn on the lights to the tree I'll find some joy in knowing Gene is smiling. And as Angels sing this year the choir is louder with Gene and Jeannie. My only gift my darling is my love, it was yours always and it goes on forever. Always Gene! Always!

Dec 11......six months since Gene followed God's light. I crawled up into a ball for 4 days trying to understand how I could still be living without Gene for HALF A YEAR. The longest we ever were apart was for 6 weeks, just once, and we were on the phone talking each of those days, two or three times a day. It'll be more than a "Blue Christmas Without You" this year Gene. I love you Gene! I miss you! Always Gene! Always!

Very beautiful Walt. Something to remember. Always Gene! Always!

I can't avoid the lights everywhere at night. Yet the darkness is underneath all of it. But today a little light came through. I was cleaning out a box looking for something and ran across a camcorder cassett of Gene's little dog, his buddy that died three weeks before Gene passed to a new world. As Gene suffered he also had to loose this little dog that brought him so much joy. I started to throw the tape out but decided to watch it one more time. And there was this "gift". It wasn't just the dog...it was an hour of Gene and his dog. I watched...for an hour I could see him happy...hear his voice...I can remember.......HE WAS HAPPY. I had forgotten about our times at the lake, in the mountains, walking the plataus, camping, playing in the snow, watching the elk and the deer. I guess I hadn't forgotten....I just haven't been able to get to those memories. And then there was a second tape. One of Gene and my Mother. Both laughing and so real. Both gone this year behind each other. I can't explain what the tapes did....it's like finding a little piece of Gene...a little piece of my Mother. I can hear him call me by name...hear him call me darling, hear him laughing. I was so afraid I would forget his voice...the tender, gentle way he spoke. How could I let the last two years of his biggest battle overshadow all the happy times? We spent 28 years of doing EVERYTHING together....I had to be reminded. There were wonderful times...happy times before his heart would no longer let him enjoy the world he loved so much. Gene's heart was damaged for 18 years but we lived as fully as we could for as long as we had together. I'm so thankful for this gift. I needed to remember. I wish something special for everyone here. Special dreams, special memories to fill some of the emptiness. I wish just one little light for everyone. I love you Gene! I miss you so much! Always Gene! Always! I love you Mama!

Feeling the same way Walt. I really don't want to be around people right now. It feels like I'm walking towards the edge of a cliff as the days go by towards Dec. 25. I'll be better when my children/grandchildren start to arrive in another week. I guess mysery loves company. Peace on Earth to all here. Always Gene! Always!