ustwo

Mrs.Charley, I am so sorry to find you joining our little family at this site but am happy you found your way here. I wish no one had to go through this pain. And then to have to deal with the "mistakes" leading to your loss of your husband. I am so sorry. You do what you need to do...you fight with all your strength. I am familiar with the GOB atmosphere. It will not change anything but you can bring them to their knees and perhaps save someonelse. I am 16 months into this journey. I have second guessed moving here and the events that followed..having Gene in an emergency room the night we moved. All the people who ignored his medical records that I brought with us...a staggering tower of papers. And all the doctors who lied...using the good old saying "oh, you moved and your body is responding to the move". No one listened to "heart condition". The doctor who would not talk to me when I asked if I needed to call in our children will haunt me forever. The mistakes that I could write a book on will haunt me. And I thought about finding a lawyer in the end. But I decided personally to let God deal with the doctor who lost his humanity and lied so much. I did not have the strength to fight anything anylonger after Gene was gone. I wish you well on this fight...go get them all. And you will find support here always. We all know your pain...and your anger. I wish peace for all of us left behind. Always Gene! Always!

WaltC..as always what you find in songs expesses what my heart and soul feel. I am happy to know you are still recovering from surgery and wish you well. Gene was the music lover...a poet at heart. I know you miss Jeannie. Your love for her shines so bright. I am remined of Jeannie every time I see a butterfly and my heart aches for a friend in pain. Always Gene! Always

"You're doing so good" That one gets to me the most as I hear it the most....GOOD?? What's that supposed to mean? Because I'm still breathing? People would be horrified if they could look inside of us and see the pain we carry.

dlongo, I'm am so sorry to find you joining us but know that this sanctuary is a family that understands. Perhaps you can store things rather than get rid of them. I tried once to sell my home but took it off the market...I still don't have the courage to move and don't know that I ever will. It took me a long time to forgive myself for walking out for ten minutes and not being there when my husband left. We had been up and down fighting his heart problems for 18 years. On that last day I stayed holding his hand for 12 1/2 hours only to walk out for a moment and then he was gone. I let his hand go for a brief moment and he was gone. Remembering that we knew we loved each other is what got me through the guilt. There were times during all the hospital stays that I could have stayed longer but did not. A caregiver gets worn down at times. I remember Gene saying he wanted to ask me to stay one day but he knew I needed to rest. I wish I had stayed...all the moments I wish I had stayed. I slept in my car one night while Gene was in a hospital that would not let me stay in his room or in the waiting room overnight. I love him dearly and he knew that..and the love goes on. I think guilt is a stage of grief. It no longer haunts me. I no longer ask the "what if" questions nearly 16 months into this lonely journey. dlongo, I am so sorry you are in such pain. So many in pain. Do what you need to do for yourself. And be gentle to yourself. I wish you peace. This is a long journey we all walk. Always Gene! Always!

Chrissy, congrats on the arrival of Jason. Thank you for letting us be a part of this blessed joy. It brought a smile to start out my day. May God continue to kiss the sweet face of your baby boy.

Oh Jamie, I am so sorry to find you here but you'll find we are all-understanding here...we all walk the same path in our own lonely way. People who have not had to cope in this mysery can not know that there never will be a getting over it. Moving on??? I'm still trying to figure out what the heck that means. I read a fortune in a cookie today..."There are 365 days in a year and hope you have 365 days of your dreams come true". That's all it took for me today....what dreams?? My dreams left June 11, 2005...my life left that day with Gene. The clock keeps ticking away time but for me it stopped that day. Time has dulled the searing pain that it was the first three months but nothing fills the emptiness. And when the grief wave hits its as deep as it was in June. I don't talk much to many people any more. They just don't know. And I too get tired of hearing time will heal....I just hope time holds some sort of comfort in the future. Time can't wipe away the love Gene and I share...time can't bring back happiness in my life...I don't dream anymore. I am waiting on time to just bring peace in what's left of my life. Maybe that's what the healing is suppose to be...just peace. Jamie, you're not crazy...you are grieving and those who don't understand now will unfortunately understand later. I get up everyday wanting to turn back time but I can't so I pace the day away waiting for the sun to go down again so I can watch the stars and talk to Gene as we did so many nights under the stars. Jamie I know it doesn't fill the emptiness but you are not alone...we all cry in the dark. You two fought until he could no longer hold on. He would not have left if he could have stayed. Look for your husband in your grandchildren...you will see him there in the smallest of ways..for me it's a smile, a sneeze, an attitude, being left-handed, a look, a walk, something said, the green eyes. Jamie, what's you husband's name? It's the one thing people I know seem to be afraid to speak out...my husband's name. There is nothing you need to be scared of writing here. We all listen and we try and hold on to each other to get through just one day at a time. No one is crazy here...we're all just hurting trying to take one more step forward in a world where so many just have no idea what real pain is. There is understanding here, hope here, and encouragement here. A wish for peace for all of us. Always Gene! Always!

Benita, my heart aches knowing your pain. I wish I could tell you that this pain will ease quickly but it will not. As Kelly said it only intensified once the shock wore off for me. It has been nearly 16 months that I have been traveling with this grief. Time does change the pain. At first it's an open wound then the healing will begin but I've learned the healing will always leave a scar. I sat alone the first 3 months after Gene left. 3 months that I didn't want to talk to anyone, see anyone...only went out for bare essentials and only early mornings when few people were around...and only when I absolutely had to like when my little dog needed food. I could have cared less about myself or the world outside. Nothing mattered anymore. My children respected my wishes (they all live away from me) and told me to do what I wanted to do whatever I needed to and if that meant sitting in the dark crying it was ok. I was emotionally paralized the first three months. I could not make a decision about anything from moment to moment. At 4 months they began gently to encourage me to get in my car and visit them. I gathered up my courage and made the first 4 hour leg of a trip to my oldest daughter. It was so hard and I had to pull off the road a couple times to dry my tears so I could see the road. The second leg of the trip was another 6 hours away and then back home...9 1/2 hrs straight. For me I guess it was the first thing I did to prove to myself that I COULD. It didn't mean I wanted to but I realized I needed to wrap my arms around those children/grandchildren so we could all cry as long as we needed to. And they needed to know that I would still be there and they would not loose another parent. I am getting better at making decisions but it still is an effort. Everything you do now will take a lot of effort. But only do what you feel you can and when you feel you have the strength. Be gentle with youself. When you find you need strenght beyond yourself come here and you will find many who will walk with you. I wish none of us were on this journey but I am grateful for all those who help as the traveling goes on. Benita, we all know your pain...we are always here for you...for each other. Moments of peace for everyone. Always Gene! Always!

Derek, this will be my second holiday season without my Gene and my mother. My mother passed Mar/05 and My husband June/05. Last year I created picture ornaments of my husband and my mother and hung them on the tree I put up for my grandchildren. It brought tears but the ornaments will always be there on the tree with all my love. I wrote Gene a letter and sealed it and hung it on the tree...a tradition I intend to keep every year. The letters will collect in a special box. Christmas was Gene's special time...he loved to give surprises. It brought him so much joy. Holidays will no longer hold the joy they once held but they will be a time of relection and of memories of the 28 special holiday seasons I was blessed to share with this wonderful man...my Gene. Winter tears will fall instead of snow but I will remember Gene's smile, his anticipation, his joy. I wish comfort and peace to all who are on this journey of grief. It is so hard and so lonely...longing for those who made us whole. Always Gene! Always!

My prayers and good wishes are with you KayC!

Terry, I am so sorry to meet you at this site...so sorry for your loss. No one can guide you through this journey but all here will walk along side of you as you travel. This is the hardest pain to survive. We are all at different stages in time...for me it's been 15 months. Come here and write...cry...scream....someone will always be listening. I found myself here at 4 weeks and the people here were and are my life-line. It is truely a trail of tears but one we all understand. If we had not loved so deeply the pain would not be so searing. Steve will always have your love as you will always have his. Hang on to the life-raft this site is...we understand. My heart aches along with yours and so many more. Always Gene! Always!

I can remember the first birthday gift I ever gave you and the smile on your face that day. I will pass that gift on to a grandchild or perhaps a great grandchild when one grows old enough to understand what that gift meant to you. Today I give you what you have always had and always will have....my love...my heart though it's broken now and always will be as long as I live. Living is such a hard thing to do without you here with me. 15 months and it's still an effort to convince myself that living is worth the effort. Today I will find a way to celebrate the day you came into this world. Such a gentle child...such a gentle human being, special from the moment you came into the world. Today I wish you a choir of angels singing, celebrating your precious soul. I wish I was part of that choir. I wish I could see your beautiful smile once more. I still see you everywhere I turn....I can still hear your voice and see the twinkle in you eyes...those beautiful green eyes. Could you hear me whispering under the stars last night? Happy Birhtday my darling Gene. I bear this pain in your honor. Our love was sweet honey when you were here. Now it's honey and tears...the sweet memories...the bitter emptiness of my life without you here. I love you as much as that first day we met. My love for you shines like the sun.......can you see? Always Gene! Always! I miss you so much. I love you so much.

Deep in our hearts...every minute of every day..with every breathe Always Gene! Always!

KayC...stircrazy...depressed, your words describe exactly what my weekend is. 14 1/2 months into this lonely journey it's caught me off guard and I guess I'll continue pacing my way through it. Gene should be cooking his famous hamburgers and then settling in to watch football. I still want to know why...all I'm left with is this pain, longing for my Gene, and the smell of his colonge. It's Sunday again so guess I'll force my way to church and ask again. Always Gene! Always!

WaltC, happy to know you are recovering from surgery. You are always in our thoughts. And your statement said it all.."what an idiot!".

William, Chrissy...I am so sorry to find more broken hearts and spirits here. This became my runaway place...where I could hang on to my sanity. I have become more of a reader than a writer at my 14th month on this journey. I think I have exhausted every emotion possible...some I knew were there and some I never could have imagined. Here everyone understands and here someone will always reach out to help you through the darkest of times. In the beginning I also just wanted to runaway. I found different ways to do that but realized that I could not run from the pain. I nearly sold my home two weeks after Gene passed from CHF and then realized that I had to be here..here where I could be alone with my memories. For me it is where I feel safe from the world that doesn't understand this pain. I know very few people here since this was an early retirement move...I didn't have to face people I knew everyday. So William..I understand running away and why. Chrizzy, when you get ready you'll make that trip to Texas. All those first steps are so hard...I force myself...I know it's part of healing..what Gene would want me to do. My first trip was heart-wrenching...a trip back to Gene's home town. I had to pull off the road several times to give my heart time to calm down and to let the tears fall but I did it. Someone wise told me it is ok to do what I feel the need to do or not do. And for months I gave myself permission to do nothing for every day...I was too emotionally paralized. Take a deep breathe in the moment and remember you don't have to decide about anything unless you want to. And whatever you do or not do, it's ok for you. I still runaway sometimes but not as often. I count months now instead of listening to the ticking clock as time passed by the minute. William, I hope you find peace in Roswell. For years Gene and I traveled through Roswell. We're all trying to find our way...some in new places...some in familiar places. We're here because we are on a journey...none of us wanted it. Our love and memories are in our hearts and travel with us always. Write when you need to...we listen and understand. Chrissy, you are never alone when you are at this site. I don't know if we'll ever heal completely but you will find strength to take baby steps. And someone will be here to help you along the way. Moments of peace for everyone. Always Gene! Always!

Oh, WaltC...I am so happy to know that you are home and recovering. I am well familiar with bypass surgery recovery so take your time. Your "site family" will be here thinking about you. Wishing you a speedy recovery process. Always Gene! Always!

KayC, you are not alone in this. To do life without our "cheerleader", our "mountain" just doesn't seem possible anymore. I've been out for an interview twice. The first shook me to my core. The second I got dressed, prepared, and just drove by and came back home. I've worked most of my life, the goal to get Gene retired early. I quit to enjoy retirement with Gene when he turned 59. Little did I know I would be fighting along with him for his life for 2 years. I am grateful I was able to stay home and care of Gene. I know somewhere I have to pick up the pieces and do what I must but my heart just isn't in it...my confidence is gone...everything is gone. I know that I have another year before I will be in the position where I have no choice and I keep putting it off. Finding a job, going to work never has been a problem for me. Before there was a reason. I was part of a team working for "us". "Me" just doesn't translate into a reason. I guess I'm just waiting for life to force me. I had a little car problem this weekend. It took me 6 1/2 hrs to do what Gene could have done in 30 minutes. I knew what to do but I did a lot of crying to get it done. Then I thought how proud Gene would be that I learned from him and got it done. I know once I get a job Gene will be proud of me too. I just need a reason. KayC, you're a talented, wonderful person and I know you will find your way just as I know somehow I will find mine. And when we do George and Gene will be smiling....they both know us better than anyone. Finding the will to continue is so hard. The pain is not as sharp but it will always be there. Go for that interview and make George proud. I'll be praying for you KayC. Thank you for being my friend. Always Gene! Always!

John, it saddens me to hear you have lost a dear friend. Know that you are always in my thoughts. It's hard to believe that I've journeyed so long with so many. Just remember you are not alone here. You are a dear friend to all of us. Your love for Jack is unending and beautiful. Always Gene! Always!

Dear Waltc's son, My thoughts and prayers will be with all of you. WaltC is such a special person to all of us. Pleast let him know we all care so very much.

Deborah, I am so sorry. I know they are just words but I do know your pain. Larry did give you the gift of his love. Remember you gave him the gift of your total love. Larry was loved truely....Larry is loved and will always be loved as long as you take breathe and beyond. It hurts so much because of the depth of that love. I will always wish we had more time. All I hang on to now is knowing Gene and I were happy...he was happy and it's not over. You made Larry's life full and happy. Our soulmates completed us, made us whole. Life is so hard just watching the sun come up. You carry Larry's love as no one else can know. Always Gene! Always!

I've not posted in a while and it breaks my heart to see many new people join this group. As I read somewhere.."I've been thinking in the dark". Having passed the year mark in June, it's where I've become comfortable..just me and Gene, talking to him in the dark. Spela, your wish list...it's says everything I want to tell everyone I know. My darling Gene touched so many lives and now his name evokes a change of subject when I talk to someone. So I've given up contact with a lot of people. I know I make people we knew uncomfortable being the "widow". And I'm sure it's because I'm now a reminder of their own mortality. I've decided I don't need anyone. Our children and grandchildren are enough as we are traveling through grief together. I could be standing in a sea of people and still would feel alone but I'm alone with Gene in my heart. I would crawl into the pictures to be with Gene if I could. As I watch the few video clips I have of Gene I remind myself of how happy we were and I yearn to replay our life together. I wish I could turn back time for all of us. To all new on this journey we do not want I am so sorry for your loss and pain. Here are wonderful people brokenhearted reaching out through the pain to lend a hand when you feel you cannot take another breathe. To all that have traveled along with me I amy very grateful for your support and there is not a day I do not think about all of you. Wishing peace for all of us. Always Gene! Always!

I don't think there is a "getting over it". I've accepted the pain as a shadow...a part of me now. Instead of wishing the sun did not rise in the mornings I accept that it is going to rise and I'll deal with the day as it comes. July 4th, 2005...my first attempt to try and step out of my house. I made it until the first firework went off and then in tears ran back to curl up in my pain and tears. Oh, my darling Gene I miss you so much. Only you made me happy...just seeing your face, your smile, hearing your sweet voice made my days shine. Days are just time going by without you...they hold no meaning. I love you darling! Always Gene! Always!

WaltC, thank you for sharing your beautiful Jeannie with all of us. Such a beautiful smile filled with love and joy. You honor Jeannie with all your heart....with all your love. Always Gene! Always!

I feel as you do KayC....God has our pets in heaven. Gene lost his buddy, Bart, 3 weeks before he passed away. I had always feared if our little dog died then Gene would not survive his battle. I bought him another the year before for Valentines...something new for Gene to focus on besides his illnesses and because something inside of me told me that Gene would loose his dog. Gene told me to keep her, that I would need her and he was right. I often think that heaven has all the tennis balls Gene and Bart could ever want. And I spoil this little dog left behind with me just as Gene would have spoiled her. Now I only put one bowl out in the mornings instead of two. I can still look out my window and see Gene throwing balls to his dog. And I watch the cycle of life continuing around me but it has little meaning for me anymore. There are no longer any celebrations...just the waiting. Kayc, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend and your pet. It seems life just keeps throwing daggers into our hearts. What is left is memories.....Death can not take the good memories from us left behind. It can not take the love we carry. Thank you for being such a good friend to all of us KayC. Always Gene! Always!

WaltC...as I passed the year mark and Father's Day I counted my blessing to have shared this life with Gene...so much love...so much living...so much happiness. Though I return to an empty house after two weeks, I still feel Gene's presence with me as though I could walk into the picture at my desk and sit beside him. Now I find some sort of peace when I look upon his name etched in marble because mine is below his awaiting a final date. And it will be a joyous day to touch his sweet face again. Happiness and love wait for us on the other side of the veil...Jeannie waits and Gene waits. Always Gene! Always!