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Dusky (John), I am so sorry you are in such pain and sorrow. Hang on to the love only you and Jack know. For me today passes as a gentle breeze of sorrow as I am at the last of the "firsts"...the year mark. The clock ticking by moment to moment and reliving each today is mingled with the knowledge that I know Gene was happy through his life...we lived life completely, savoring all the little moments and we lived this life in love...true love and I know that it goes on. The tears do not fall today like daggers through my heart they were a year ago. Through my tears today I can hear Gene telling me as he always did "I love you darling". The emptiness will always be there...I want to be with Gene but I can not yet. The next wave will come but now I know to expect it and to let it pass through me...when it passes I now hold on to the memories...the love is my liferaft. I visited a couple today..friends in their 80's who are a glimse of what could have been...what Gene and I would have been in our 80's. I tell myself as the tears fall that Gene's tenderness, his love, his courage, all that goodness... I carry for Gene now with him watching. I do not know where a year has gone. I do not know how I have survived this long without Gene. I do not look beyond now. But I do know that as tomorrow comes Gene is always with me, in my heart and with every breathe I take. The next wave will come and it will pass through me but it will not take my love for Gene. It will bring the warm memories with it. John hang on to the love Jack gave to you. His love and courage will get you through. You honor Jack's love so tenderley in so many ways. Jack's love is etched in your heart. Always Gene! Always my love!

WaltC..I know in your dream your heart was soring to be with Jeannie. Insane?...I think not. I truely believe. I wish we could all dream every night...every moment of the day. Through this terrible journey we share the dreams affirm the love is always there...Jeannie is there always. Your love is FOREVER! Oh Walt...I wish you tender dreams where you and Jeannie are together. I know it is real. You know it is real. Always Gene! Always!

I am so sorry your pain is so searing. I can not remember 6 months. In three weeks I will cross the year mark. I can not remember last week. Living in the moment has become my new life that I did not want. And the moments are empty. I no longer wish for what was because it can not be. I only wish for peace and direction until I can be with Gene once more. I've always turned to God when I could not carry a burden. Now I search for God as I do Gene. Grief and pain are my only companions but I still hope. I would have gone with Gene if God had let me. I had a really bad week last week and met this little lady at a birthday party for a friend who turned 80. Everyone was talking about grand-chldren and I asked how many children she had. She said she had never married and giggled that she had been told she was lucky to have never had a husband. At that moment memories flooded my mind. How truely blessed I have been to have Gene's love. I am in pain but I am loved. It never would have been long enough but it's not over. Hold on....you alone have Larry's love....you alone have the memories no one else shares. Nothing else matters but you and Larry. You travel with your grief your way. When others don't want to listen anymore or have some insentive insight about how you are to live your life, where they think you should be at this stage, we will be here to listen and understand. We are all tired and worn down and I suspect most of us are still unable to decide if it's worth it to get out of bed in the morning. I talk to Gene all day and pray God let's Gene feel my love always. It is lonely but you carry Larry with you. You are loved! Always Gene! Always!

Lane, I know the words are hollow but I am so sorry for your loss. Finding my way to this site has helped through this lonely journey. My husband passed away June 11, 2005 loosing the final battle for his life and I still have a hard time believing I have survived this long without him. You are not going to be truely alone here. Your loss is so fresh and there are so many emotions ahead to try and deal with. There will always be someone here reading, understanding, and answering when there is the strength to do so. What is your husband's name? Here it is safe to write what your heart and soul feel. It may be quiet at times here but I know for me there are times I need the solitude but I know that I am not alone here. When you need to reach out there will be a hand to stretch out and hold on to. For now you will continue moment to moment. In time you will live hour to hour, and then day to day. I can still hear my Gene telling me "you have to face reality". It is the hardest things I've ever had to try and do. Grief is such a hard journey and no one understands except for all of us "left behind". Everyone here understands the tears that flow, the near insanity, the disbelief, the emptiness, and the pain. Writing does help....there are truely wonderful people here who do not judge and understand. Hold on to people here when you can not hold on to yourself. A wish for peaceful moments for everyone. Always Gene! Always!

I lost both my husband and mother last year. First my Mother and then 3 months later Gene. The anxiety was bad all week last week. I awoke to the same empty house yesterday morning. Gene would have had flowers and a big breakfast all planned out that he would have fixed with a big smile on his face and that special twinkle in his eyes. A card would have been waiting for me with my name written in his beautiful handwriting. And no Mother to call on Mother's Day. My Mother and Gene loved each other...there was a special connection between the two of them. I had a special friend in Gene's Mother who passed away 13 years ago. She said once to me "I know you will always take care of Gene for me". Now she takes care of him again, holding him for me. I wore my Mother's rings, my mother-in-law's ring, and wore the little hummingbird necklace Gene gave me for a Mother's Day. I hope my darling that it brought a smile to you. I miss all of you. I love you Gene! I miss you so much! Always Gene! Always!

OH WALT THAT IS BEAUTIFUL! Always Gene! Always!

I tried to not let this day be a "day of tears".... Not a day of what I wish for but a day to remember when we were joined as one. As I looked up this morning I saw the gift you gave me last year. You never forgot one anniversary. So determined to make May 6th special. To get that very special perfect gift. Having you was all I ever needed. I drank my first cup of coffee this morning remembering how our eyes met the first time, over a cup of coffee. Even though Joanne and Vernon arranged for that first cup of coffee between us how could they have known it would be the beginning of our world. I remember looking at you across the table and telling myself "he's too good to be true". But you were Gene...more than I ever could have dreamed of. I think of how you took me by the hand 5 months later and pointed to the calendar and asked if this would be a good day for us to be married. I don't know how the time went so quickly but I do know we lived it to the fullest hand and hand. I treasured every moment as much as you did. You made the sun rise every morning for me. Your sweet face brought a smile to my face every moment. I was so safe and secure and loved in your arms. I know time changes things but our love never changed except to grow stronger. Thank you Darling for loving me and always letting me know through the years. I was so blessed when we met. All I want is to see you sweet smile again. My Loving, Gentle, Sweet, Brave Gene........I LOVE YOU! Happy Anniversary My Love! Always Gene! Always!

Bebekat, What a beautiful way to bring Tom into the celebration of this marriage...to honor him...to say I love you. I do not have the words to comfort you at the "year" as I approach the same in five weeks. Each day I can not understand..how can this be? Take care of yourself Bebekat...you are important and special to all of us. No one can take the love you have with Tom. It is the gift Tom gave to you on your wedding day...it is yours FOREVER! Always Gene! Always!

Happy Anniversay Darling. If I can't have you here with me I'll take you in my dreams. The first time you came to me in my dreams it felt as if you were telling me it would be ok. And I longed for another dream. Today, two days before our anninversary here you were in my dreams. I asked you how this could be when you walked through a veil and you said you did not know. I said I did not care how and we put our arms around each other. I could see your smile and hear you laugh. I could see you happy and for that brief dream I was happy again. In my dream I had you back with me. I heard someone say that you had been through a lot in your life and saw a wound but you turned and said you were alright now and you looked at me and smiled. Then I awoke to tears and the sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach, the emptiness without you. I'll meet you in my dreams darling. Our love and life together, more than a dream come true. If I have to live without you here, I'll live with you in my dreams. I love you Gene! Always Gene! Always!

Oh Walt...hang on. The last wave took me a month to get past. I really don't think time will heal this wound...it'll just dull the pain. Gene was the music lover. I've not been able to listen to any of his favorites yet but for one...Johnny Mathis...The Twelveth of Never. It's how long our love will be...FOREVER! Sometimes I feel God has abandoned me but I know Gene has not. I know Gene and Jeannie keep their love wrapped around us. I know they want us happy again but I can not see how that is possible. I can't seperate the love and the pain. Maybe that's what time will do...slowly fade the pain. Hang on Walt...JEANNIE AND WALT FOREVER! Always Gene! Always!

I ask God to fill my heart and soul with something...just to feel again. I've not been able to find any joy in God's world but I've not given up. Sometimes it feels like God locked the gates when he took Gene and left me completely empty and abandoned. Always Gene! Always!

I've been gone for a while and am so sorry to have returned to find so many more broken hearts. It will soon be 11 months since the love of my life, Gene had to leave. CHF, cirrohis, and finally kidney failure was too much for his body to fight. It is the most painful journey we are thrown into. I've realized the pain will ease but will never go completely. I will always love this wonderful man and the heartache will always be there. So many here are at different stages of grief. Someone is always here pushing past their pain to lend courage "to take a little step forward". This is a safe place to put to words all that needs to pour out of our hearts and souls. There is pain here, there is courage here, there is hope here. I am so sorry for everyone's loss but no one here is alone in this journey. As KayC has said, I have learned to live with this pain. I have learned to let the waves of intense grief wash over me. In the beginning is shock, then the fog, then trying to accept, then trying to cope with the waves that come at any moment. The gut-wrenching pain will ease some with time. We are only half of what we once were. I don't know if the hole in my heart and soul will ever heal but I do know I am blessed to have the love of this wonderful man. Our love is FOREVER! I know Gene sees my tears and would wipe them away if he could. He holds my heart. I wish moments of peace for all of us. No one who finds their way here is alone. Always Gene! Always!

KayC, I wish I knew how to survive this. There seems to be little point in just getting up in the mornings anymore. Back to not sleeping and thoughts of Gene's last day. I don't know how to pull out of this fog again. Knowing I'm not the only one does at least let me know I'm not alone. Wish we all could find some peace somehow. Only you and the others here know what I can't even explain to my children. Always Gene! Always!

I guess I should feel lucky as my close friends and family, mine and Gene's are still there for me. What's changed is the deafening silence when I mention his name. Our children are the only ones I can seem to talk to about Gene. I am grateful to still be considered part of Gene's family but why can we not talk about Gene? The couple of close friends call but mostly to talk about their problems. Yes, in the past I always had a shoulder big enough to hold all their problems but I just don't have the strength to listen to what I consider the trivial problems in their lives. They have no idea what's ahead. Gene touched so many lives. GENE STILL MATTERS! I miss him so much. I just want to be alone with my memories. I will never forget...I will never let go. My heart beats with Gene's love. Always you and me Gene! Always!

Parrotlover, Linda...anyone new here. I am so sorry for your loss. I am a little more than 10 months into this lonely journey. You are in a site that you will find so much understanding, compassion, and support traveling with so many dealing with their loss and pain. This grief and loss is so hard and there are times I need to deal with it all alone and times I need to reach out. When I can't bare it alone there is always someone here to listen...to let me know what I feel in the moment is ok. Here I can talk about Gene when people around me have assumed I've gone on without him and it would be too hard to even mention his name. For me I get so tired of people saying "you're really doing good". They have no idea...no one knows but we "left behind" what it is like when we are all alone with our thoughts...within our world where we are alone crying. Here no one has to put on a "good face". My real world is this site...outside my door it's a world that goes on without a clue. Join us all here. This pain is too hard to do it alone. There are so many wonderful people here who all understand and know. It would be so easy to shut the door and never walk out into the world. Little hard steps forward is all we take and when we take steps backwards someone is always here to take our hand and encourage us to take one baby step forward again. It's ok to reach out, to vent, cry, scream, talk about your love...it is a hard, long journey we all travel. Always Gene! Always!

As my eyes opened this morning my thoughts were with you Walt. And the tears I shed when I listened to your song to Jeannie were for your heartache. Because of you we've all been given the privilege of knowing the wonderful, brave woman you share your heart and soul with. Let us carry you for a while Walt if you are not sure you can take that next little step forward...one little step toward the sunrise tomorrow....one more day to honor Jeannie's love. Jeannie and Walt FOREVER! Always Gene! Always!

WaltC, I send you my strenght this week in hopes that somehow it helps you as you cross through this week. I've had you and Jeannie in my thoughts for several weeks as I watched the calendar days pass. I know it is of little comfort right now but you are not alone. Always Gene! Always!

Vic, I am so sorry for your loss...so sorry to find you here where we all share our pain. Your journey has just begun and you're probably still in shock. Many of us have watched our loved-ones suffer before the battle was lost. But knowing and facing reality are so different. You will grieve and go through emotions you've never known. Here among "us left behind" you can shed tears, scream, vent, tell us about your wife, say whatever you need to say...we all listen...we all understand. It has been nearly 10 months since my beloved husband had to leave. People here push through their grief to reach out to everyone who needs support...just a voice in the night sometimes. For now you will live your life one moment at a time and sometimes it will feel like existing, not living. I truely am so sorry. There is always someone here for you to lean on. There is nothing you can say that is not understood here. There are no warning signs...we each travel this road differently...we all have the common pain of loss. My sincere wish for peace and good memories are with you. Always Gene! Always!

WaltC...I wish I had the gift of "words" to help you as much as you have helped me and others as we try and find our way. You were my first connection at this site when I was unable to do anything but put my grief to type. Your "yellow roses" sit on my desktop...a beautiful gift to me and Gene...that I still go to when I am at my lowest points. Your love for Jeannie made me notice butterflies again...they all are Jeannie's butterflies in my world and I will never look at another without remembering "WaltC and Jeannie"..."LOVE IS FOREVER" This site where we show our pain and grief does not burden anyone. We've shared here, we understand here, and we shed tears together. I have not posted much lately as I look more to the calendar as if there is some line in the sand approaching that I must cross. WaltC..let Jeannie's footsteps guide you. WE all here care in this place where we share our heartaches. You have lifed many of us up...we're here for you! Thank you WaltC. Always Gene! Always!

I'm so sorry little "peeps" could bring so many tears. Precious memories come..the special little things we all share with our loves. Two fruit trees Gene planted bloomed and will bear fruit this year. Two trees he tenderly cared for.. waiting. This will be the first year they bear fruit. One flowering shrub he planted just for me as I had wanted one for years....it's already blooming for the first time. All this around me and Gene's not with me. Spring was Gene's best season and now it all blooms with pieces of his soul all around me. Precious memories. Always Gene! Always!

If the tears are healing then this weekend I tried to heal a lot. Friday marked the one-year of my mother's passing. Little did I know that three months later I would loose Gene, my world. And Walt, I shed tears for Jeannie and you. I know that everyday is hard...next month....how can it be that so many of us are approaching a year of this devistation? And yet we survive somehow, trying to find our way through this journey. You've been an amazing source of inspiration and hope. It is a beautiful thing....the love you and Jeannie share....the love we all share with our soul mates seperated from us right now....only for now...more is to come for all of us. Thank you Walt! Always Gene! Always!

Oh John...25 sentences of truth. How fitting that No. 25 is the last you listed...it's how we all feel! Always Gene! Always!

So many wonderful people here in pain. Your words, your music most times is all that gets me through the unending days of emptiness. Your moments of strength put to paper give me strength. The music gives me hope. Gene was the part of "us" that could use words of expression so eloquently. There is little most times to be thankful for but I am thankful for all my friends here. I wish we could have all met when life was happy for all of us. For everyone freshly finding their way to this site....we all are here...we all understand...we read...we listen...we all share the pain. We are here when it seems everyone else has abandoned us...when no one close wants to listen...when no one understands. There is support and hope here....so many special people. Always Gene! Always!

Deborah, I am so sorry that you find yourself here and so filled with pain. It's been 9 months since Gene lost his final battle with CHF. We all support each other here but travel the journey of grief our own way. I find some hope in those who have been on this weary road longer. At 4 months the pain was still so sharp and devistating....I know your pain right now. With time the pain will lessen...it's always there. The memories, the awful ones, they will start to give way to good memories....all the love you share with Larry. You alone know a depth of his love as no one else could ever know...hold on to that...it will get you beyond today. I still only go through the motions everyday...now I call it "continuing" because I cannot say it's living. There are and stil will be bad days and somewhat better days. The pain and emptiness is always there. Gene's love keeps me going...I carry it with me each moment. There are still days that living doesn't see worth it anymore. We left behind will cry tears of love forever. Everyone here understands and listens. Larry watches over you. No one who does not walk in these footsteps can ever understand. I miss you Gene! I love you Gene! Always Gene! Always!

Vivian, I have not posted for a while on this site but felt I had to respond to your post. I am 10 months into this journey. I also lost my mother three months before my beloved Gene. I have finally gotten to a point where it no longer angers me when someone says they know how I feel because of the loss of a parent. I miss my mother but never really had the time to mourn loosing her. My husband was fighting for his life even as he was at her funeral. I remember my Mother's gentle smile but have not shed many tears for her. I also lost a child 39 years ago...a loss that tore into my heart. Loosing Gene to CHF ripped out my heart and soul, my being. I know just as there are different kinds of love there are different depths of loss. For me as for you loosing my husband is more pain than I ever could have conceived was possible. Gene was always there to catch me and stop me from falling....my soft spot to land...his love healed all my heartaches. Loosing Gene is not a heartache...it ripped my heart and soul out of my life. All that's left is this incredible hurt..this emptiness day after day...this longing for Gene. I am sorry to find anyone here who has any loss in their lives. I simply wanted to let you know Vivian that I know exactly how "you" feel right now. And I came to realize what Marty posted a few months ago: I Need Your Help with a Question For everyone hurting from loss, I wish a day of peace. Always Gene! Always!